I don’t care if they legalize gay marriage throughout the galaxy, two women together is an anathema.
It’s no secret that I was seriously involved with two in my lifetime:
Debby, who I met when I was a phone girl in a whore house, and Nicolette, my beautiful, impossibly bitchy lesbian girlfriend.
For the record, I don’t identify as bisexual, or pan sexual, (someone sexually attracted to pancakes) or gender fluid, (like transmission fluid, only more difficult to find at Home Depot) or polysexual, or any of that crap.
If I had to say which gender I’ve been in love with and had relationships with more, it would be men. But my attraction to women has existed for as long as my sexuality has.
When I fall in love, or lust, I don’t hold anyone’s gender against them.
Well. Actually, when possible, I try to avoid falling in love with women. Bitches be crazy.
I’m a woman, and even I will admit that women are a complete mystery. Like quantum physics, or how Stephen Tyler can get his mouth open so wide.
In a recent study done at John Hopkins which I made up, 99% of all women were prone to saying “Fine” when, in fact, they were very NOT fine.
And I’m as ill-equipped as a man to answer those carefully constructed impossible questions where there is only one “right” answer. The kind that if you don’t get right, you’d better prepare for an epic tantrum to come steaming towards you like a fully loaded freight train.
Women’s hormones run amuck every month. When two women live together, their cycles gradually adjust until the two of them are in menstrual sync. Do you understand what a crap fest it is to have shark week in tamden? It’s a week of wild accusations and random crying and way too much chocolate.
And the talking. I sometimes talk so much I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly. Put two women together? So. Much.Talking.
Communication is an important part of any relationship but for lesbians, talking is like breathing. Her constant questions make me feel as if I’m getting drained like a vampire, getting weaker every minute. They need to fill every moment with conversation, even if it’s the 5th time you’ve heard about that time she stole Paris Hilton’s birthday cake and gave it to the the homeless.
Lesbians get serious quickly, and I mean by the third date they’re driving their U-Haul to your house. One minute, you’re exploring whether or not she’s the right height to make scissoring work, the next you’re surrounded by her vegan cookbooks and flannel shirts and her goddamn CAT.
When I date a man, he’s usually just your garden variety man.
But lesbians are grouped by category. Oh, she’s Butch? But is she a Stone Butch or a Soft Butch? Is she a Sport Dyke or actually a Chapstick Lesbian? Oh she’s Femme? But is she a Blue Jean Femme? Is she a Stone Femme? What if she’s a Lipstick Lesbian? It’s mind-boggling.
Just because I’m a woman, doesn’t mean that I have a high tolerance for irrational behavior. I’m just as lost as any man when it comes to mysterious female behavior.
When I ask her what’s wrong, why does she say “nothing” and act cold?
Why do I have to go to the bathroom with her, or with any woman?
Why is she asking for my opinion when she just wants me to agree with her?
Why is she flapping the fuck out if I don’t answer her text messages?
Why do I have to sit there for half an hour while she decides what to order?
Why, for the love of all that is HOLY, does she beat a subject to death, pick it up again, kill it again, then burn it, gather all the ashes and beat it again?
Trying to figure out a woman – I might as well try to wrap my brain around God or Time or the Infinite Universe.
When you’re a woman who dates other women, it’s all just a writhing mass of mutual need.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I love women.
I love how smooth their skin is, how silky their hair feels, the way they smell, they way their lips are so much softer then a man’s, their soft squishy boobs…
Wait, what was I saying?
Right! Dating women.
At least when you’re dating a woman you can act as crazy as you feel.
But I’m allergic to cats, I don’t want to be forced to see Tegan and Sara and I refuse to drive a Subaru Outback. Don’t roll your eyes. These stereotypes exist for a reason.
I’m grateful that gay marriage has been made legal in all 50 states. I just don’t support any marriage.
But I will continue to be attracted to, and date, both genders. As a matter of fact, I’m eating a popsicle right now. And I can both lick AND suck it.
That’s to remind me that I can keep my options open.
Have you ever felt like women were impossible to understand? Even if you are one?
Does two women married sound as nightmarish to you as it does to me?
Talk to me. I’m listening.