Why I Would Never Marry A Woman

July 2, 2015 — 101 Comments

lesbian-wedding-cake-ideas

 

I don’t care if they legalize gay marriage throughout the galaxy, two women together is an anathema.

It’s no secret that I was seriously involved with two in my lifetime:

Debby, who I met when I was a phone girl in a whore house, and Nicolette, my beautiful, impossibly bitchy lesbian girlfriend.

 

For the record, I don’t identify as bisexual, or pan sexual, (someone sexually attracted to pancakes) or gender fluid, (like transmission fluid, only more difficult to find at Home Depot) or polysexual, or any of that crap.

If I had to say which gender I’ve been in love with and had relationships with more, it would be men. But my attraction to women has existed for as long as my sexuality has.

When I fall in love, or lust, I don’t hold anyone’s gender against them.

 

Ahem.

Well. Actually, when possible, I try to avoid falling in love with women. Bitches be crazy.

 

I’m a woman, and even I will admit that women are a complete mystery. Like quantum physics, or how Stephen Tyler can get his mouth open so wide.

 

In a recent study done at John Hopkins which I made up, 99% of all women were prone to saying “Fine” when, in fact, they were very NOT fine.

And I’m as ill-equipped as a man to answer those carefully constructed impossible questions where there is only one “right” answer. The kind that if you don’t get right, you’d better prepare for an epic tantrum to come steaming towards you like a fully loaded freight train.

 

Women’s hormones run amuck every month. When two women live together, their cycles gradually adjust until the two of them are in menstrual sync. Do you understand what a crap fest it is to have shark week in tamden? It’s a week of wild accusations and random crying and way too much chocolate.

 

And the talking. I sometimes talk so much I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly. Put two women together? So. Much.Talking.

Communication is an important part of any relationship but for lesbians, talking is like breathing. Her constant questions make me feel as if I’m getting drained like a vampire, getting weaker every minute. They need to fill every moment with conversation, even if it’s the 5th time you’ve heard about that time she stole Paris Hilton’s birthday cake and gave it to the the homeless.

Lesbians get serious quickly, and I mean by the third date they’re driving their U-Haul to your house. One minute, you’re exploring whether or not she’s the right height to make scissoring work, the next you’re surrounded by her vegan cookbooks and flannel shirts and her goddamn CAT.

When I date a man, he’s usually just your garden variety man.

But lesbians are grouped by category. Oh, she’s Butch? But is she a Stone Butch or a Soft Butch? Is she a Sport Dyke or actually a Chapstick Lesbian? Oh she’s Femme? But is she a Blue Jean Femme? Is she a Stone Femme? What if she’s a Lipstick Lesbian? It’s mind-boggling.

 

 

Just because I’m a woman, doesn’t mean that I have a high tolerance for irrational behavior. I’m just as lost as any man when it comes to mysterious female behavior.

When I ask her what’s wrong, why does she say “nothing” and act cold?

Why do I have to go to the bathroom with her, or with any woman?

Why is she asking for my opinion when she just wants me to agree with her?

Why is she flapping the fuck out if I don’t answer her text messages?

Why do I have to sit there for half an hour while she decides what to order?

Why, for the love of all that is HOLY, does she beat a subject to death, pick it up again, kill it again, then burn it, gather all the ashes and beat it again?

 

Trying to figure out a woman – I might as well try to wrap my brain around God or Time or the Infinite Universe.

When you’re a woman who dates other women, it’s all just a writhing mass of mutual need.

 

Don’t get me wrong, though. I love women.

I love how smooth their skin is, how silky their hair feels, the way they smell, they way their lips are so much softer then a man’s, their soft squishy boobs…

 

Wait, what was I saying?

Right! Dating women.

At least when you’re dating a woman you can act as crazy as you feel.

 

But I’m allergic to cats, I don’t want to be forced to see Tegan and Sara and I refuse to drive a Subaru Outback. Don’t roll your eyes. These stereotypes exist for a reason.

 

 

I’m grateful that gay marriage has been made legal in all 50 states. I just don’t support any marriage.

 

But I will continue to be attracted to, and date, both genders. As a matter of fact, I’m eating a popsicle right now.  And I can both lick AND suck it.

That’s to remind me that I can keep my options open.

 

Have you ever felt like women were impossible to understand? Even if you are one?
Does two women married sound as nightmarish to you as it does to me?
Talk to me. I’m listening.

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101 responses to Why I Would Never Marry A Woman

  1. 

    I love you. But not in that way. HAHAH.

    I never answer ‘fine’ when I am not fine. I always explain in great detail why I am not fine…

    I think we’d be good together. You know, in separate houses.

  2. 

    Oh fuck yes. I went through that phase when most of my best friends were dudes because women were so batshit crazy. But I love being a part of a group of women. I love that women understand me. I could never marry one. Honestly, I probably couldn’t even date one, because there’s only enough room for so much crazy in one’s relationship, and I monopolize a lot of the crazy.

  3. 

    Well, I would ONLY be in a relationship with a woman, so it’s nice know there’d be one less person to compete against for their attention if I ever ended up single again.

  4. 

    Ever since watching HBO’s “Big Love,” I always thought suburbanized polygamy looked hot. It’s sort of the ultimate “have it all” scenario. You get to be a veiled, quasi-accepted man-whore instead of an out-in-the-open one everyone hates.

    So, like, three wives, with the option to date and court more if the mood strikes. Ahem, Sisterwives, if you will.

    But something tells me the dynamics you brilliantly discuss here would also affect this type of arrangement, and that suicidal tendencies during monthly Shark Week may, in the end, prove too powerful to stave off.

    • 

      Okay, now that’s a TV reference I can finally understand, because I actually have watched that show! It looks like a great set up to me. I just don’t know if I’d be the older wife he keeps trading in for younger models, or the middle one that racks up all the credit card debt…

      I think having a man in there balances some of crazy off, so in theory, it looks like the perfect set up. He might die at 50, but he would die happy.

  5. 

    You plant the seed of ‘scissoring’ in my head, and then at the end you ask me how the thought of two women together makes me feel… yeah, bitches be cray cray.

  6. 

    *snorks* I feel like I suddenly have a lot of irrational behaviour I need to change.

    I’m glad they legalised gay marriage (or, as it should be known, ‘marriage’) and I’m glad that people who love each other and want to commit, get to.

    I might commit, one day. But so far I tried t and it hurt me.

    • 

      That’s why we’re going to end up old book ladies together. It’s destiny! Plus, we both cook! It will be glorious. Can we live near the ocean?

      • 

        YES! I’m working on that already, with my trans hostel idea in the city by the sea. It’s a BEAUTIFUL city, Brighton – you’d love it. So full of character and wonderful people. It’s the friendliest city I know.

        (p.s. if we end up old book ladies together, we still might drive each other nutty with our irrationality…)

  7. 

    Ha! It finally occurred to me why my husband couldn’t relate to my drama. Because he’s a MAN! It was quite the revelation after being married for 28 years. I thought there was something wrong with me since I was thinking emotionally. 🙂

    • 

      Women and men just don’t think the same way, and never will. There are some really good books out there to help men navigate this – basically, just DO WHATEVER IT IS SHE WANTS IF ITS NO BIG DEAL, okay guys? Stop arguing about WHY the stuff on the floor bugs her and just PICK IT UP! hahahaha

  8. 

    See, I have this thing for men. I love men. I love manly men and hairy chests and big strong hands all things masculine. And I love their collarbones… *shiver*… Anyways, um, sorry.

    But there have been many times in my life that I have longed to be attracted to women. Out of frustration or irritation, I have lamented my non-attraction to my own gender. But now that I read this, yeah. I don’t think I could handle it. I guess it’s a case of the grass is always greener… hahahahaha! But I have had girl crushes. Women who I think are hilarious and smart and beautiful. I don’t want to make out with them but I just want to be around them and soak them up. What does that make me? A celibate closet lesbian?

  9. 

    Hilarious. It’s all fun and games till Menpoause hits. Watch out bitches.

  10. 

    When you write about one hot lady kissing another hot lady I think to myself: What a great time to be alive!
    Love this post.

  11. 

    At one point, our home had three women all living under the same roof and sharing the same Shark Week cycle. Or as I liked to call it, “Dad’s week of working late.”

  12. 

    Cray cray, perhaps. But, worth it.
    Because love wins.
    Because… wait… did you say scissoring…

  13. 

    Do you know what I love? I love that you refuse to wrap yourself in a pre-packaged, tiny little box that defines you. You cast off labels that a lot of groups demand be worn. That’s power.

    I don’t care what you say. Women are the BEST. I get along with the sisterhood much better than the brotherhood. I’m glad I had daughters. More power to my gay brothers and sisters, but kissing a dude makes my flesh crawl a bit. I wish it hadn’t been like that. I’d have had a WAY more interesting time in my singledom. It’s not like I didn’t get any offers. I got PLENTY. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept any of them.

    Women love discussing the relationship and taking things to the next level and feelings, and what am I thinking, etc., etc. It can get downright exhausting at times.

    I drive a Subaru Outback. I was unaware of the implications when I bought it. When I lived in the city, I had two Siamese cats. A gay friend said, “Oh, you have the gay cat.” Really?! I wish they’d publish a newsletter letting society know what they’ve claimed as their own. Yes, Barbara Strisand. We know. What else?

    • 

      Track lighting, skinny jeans, flip flops, Frappucinos, Top 40 music…

      When it comes to being friends, I ADORE women. Power to the sisterhood! But for me, romantically, nope. Nuh uh.

      I’m sure you DID get quite a few offers. Probably still would. Don’t you go to a lot of art galleries in Chelsea?

      • 

        Yeah, but it’s just not in me. I got married very late in life. Everyone back in Ohio thought I was a closeted homosexual. (Because, in Ohio, if you’re past your mid-30’s and haven’t married yet, something is “wrong.”) Believe me…there’d be no closet for me. If I were gay, I’d be gay with a mad vengeance.

      • 

        It seems to me that you do live large, so I totally get that about you.

        I married late in life, too! It was because I was having too much damn fun running around New York to give up the single life.

        Actually, it never even OCCURRED to me to get married, until – well, that’s a whole other story.

        Was it the same for you? Having a little too much fun back in the day?

  14. 

    I love women. They are gorgeous and sexy and frequently feature in my impurest of thoughts, but holy drama, Batman! No. No no no no no.

  15. 

    Spot on.

    I’ve thought about this a bit, specially before getting married because I do have an attraction to women. During my 1 year off from my boyfriend (now husband) I considered investigating that attraction but I never did and the reason is much of what you described here. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with the cramping, bitchy, whiny week. I don’t have that, I get slightly emotional, 1 day of not wanting to do much and a bit clumsy during that week and that’s it so I wouldn’t have tolerance for someone with a full on case of PMS. Also, the not letting things go thing. GOD!

    The only way it would work for me is if I was a total player, staying out of relationships.

    BTW to Exile on Pain Street – I had no idea about the cat or car thing either.

    • 

      I wish my period was the reason I am clumsy. I’m clumsy all month long, and I have nothing to blame it on except being a total spaz.

      I didn’t know you took a year off. That’s so intriguing, especially because you ended up marrying him. A happy ending!

      • 

        Yep, when I start knocking into walls and turning too soon into rooms, racking my hands on doorknobs I know its a few days away. Lol

        We have an odd story I suppose. Were together 7 years and I broke it off, he was in full agreement. We stayed in touch though and almost a year later he asked me to come back. I took some time to decide, we got back together and decided rather spontaneously a couple of weeks later to get married since we were going to be in vegas anyway. It solidified our reuniting and we have been happily married for three years now. That year apart allowed us both to grow up a bit and we realized being apart sucked a lot more than the problems we were facing.

      • 

        i LOVE that story! Better together than apart!
        love wins.

  16. 

    I hate to pour too many accolades on anyone (now, chocolate syrup–I wouldn’t hate to pour too much of that on any one woman. But I digress), but, damn, Samara, I’d PAY to read your stuff. Hilarious, bold, to the point, but with just enough digression thrown in, titillating, (sometimes assilating, ha ha),SHOCKING, heartwarming; it’s all there. Yup, you need to write for money somewhere. Have a happy 4th and thanks again for the huge laughs.

  17. 

    Women rule…we’re soft, smell good and we have boobs! But I can see how there would a lot of drama. I’m sure I couldn’t handle it. *In a recent study done at John Hopkins which I made up* you make me laugh. xo

  18. 

    I’ve always wanted a Subaru Outback.

    😉

    Hilarious as usual, SW. 😊

    • 

      You can get one, but you’ll be hit on by every minge muncher in a 30 mile radius!
      Love you, Bethie! Still feeling your words from yesterday. xoxoxo

  19. 

    I was watching a stand up comedian perform the other day and he said that with all the women astronauts now applying NASA had set aside $10 million to study the effects of weightlessness on women’s menstrual cycles and if it would cause any damage. His opinion was: “Damage?! Fucking damage?! What do you think? They can fucking FLY!!!”

      • 

        weightlessness – women (and everyone) can “fly” under those conditions : I think the comedian was concerned what damage a woman with PMS could do if she could “fly”. Imagine, instead of throwing a pot she could just launch herself at her target – 100+ pounds instead of a 5 pound pot. Or the ability to hang upside down in the air while ripping a strip off of an unsuspecting target.Imagine the conversation: “Will you turn upright please?””No! I feel like being upside down! Is that a problem for you?!” And so on. PMS and flying -perhaps not a good combination.

      • 

        PMS is not good combined with anything! It’s not good, period!
        (See what I did there?(

  20. 

    Actually it sounds like you’ve figured women out. What’s the mystery?

    • 

      Thinking you’ve “figured them out” is your first mistake. hahahaha

      Besides, it’s not just knowing this. DEALING with all of this is exhausting.

  21. 

    Having been in relationships with – and lived as – both ends of the gender spectrum, I concur that men are easier to date. They tend to be more upfront with their interest in you and also, very often, their sex drives are higher*, which is a plus for me. 😛

    I do love women, though. Femininity in all forms increases my inner sense of masculinity, which can only be a good thing for someone who suffers gender dysphoria.

    *Yeah yeah – I know there are exceptions, and that some men have gorgeous, sexy wives who are perpetually up for it and yet they can’t be bothered to put the work in – but then SOME men (not mentioning names) are fucking idiots.

    • 

      It’s fascinating getting your input here, since you’ve both lived as and been in relationships with both sexes.

      I love women, too. SO much. They’re just really difficult! It takes a lot of grounded male energy to complement us.

      I have a perpetually high sex drive. It’s actually a problem. 🙂

      • 

        Samara, you sound like my kinda gal. If I wasn’t currently courting a ridiculously cute younger man, I might be interested to know more about that. 😛

        I’m not sure how grounded my male energy is, really – in itself, I mean. I know that in my friendship with Lizzi I tend to take on the role of The Rational One – ice to her fire, if you like – but at the same time, when left to myself I make some incredibly emotional decisions.

  22. 

    Hahaha Bitches be fucked up. I don’t like most women, although I am pretty sure that I love you and QC. Separately of course, and equally.

  23. 

    An amazing woman is just like a battery, the outside is always cool, and the power they have is almost frightening, but if you unleash their insides on the world they burn you.

  24. 

    You know what’s more challenging than a woman with those characteristics? A man with those characteristics. They exist and don’t have the soft lips to compensate…

    “Shark week in tandem” had me rolling.

    • 

      Excuse the heck out of me, but I’m a man and my lips are like unto rose petals, thank you so much.

      Of course, that might be because I’m a pre-testosterone transgender man, but whatever. 😛

    • 

      I know some dysfunctional men, but not THIS particular brand of nutty. That would be an utter drag. A man with all the crazy of a woman? But without the boobs?
      Yeah, no.

      • 

        I think there is legitimate hot/sexy scale for dudes. Let me see if I can find it. I’ll forward it to you if I can find what I’m looking for.

  25. 

    “I sometimes talk so much I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly. ” <- This made my life. Mostly because I can so relate.

    Brilliant!

  26. 

    Gah you crack me UP! I don’t rage hormones or eat chocolate, and I also think women are hot (some, not all), but I’m psyched about being engaged to a dude. They mostly just want snacks, pats on the back, and sex. Soooo much easier : )

    • 

      MOLLY!

      I am SO happy to see you here! I’ve been meaning to stalk your blog since you came back, but I know you’re engaged! I’m so happy for you, girl! I want all the deets!

      Ahem. Such as, does he have a brother?

      I love snacks and back pats and sex! Can I have all that without marrying them?

      • 

        I LOVE snacks and pats on the back and sex too! That’s why you and I are friends! My dude has no brothers but I’m certain you can find one and get all that without marrying him : ). Missed you gorgeous! XO

  27. 

    I feel ya on this. I have lived with my gal for 17 years now. I sill don’t understand anything. All I know is that I’m the idiot and keep getting yelled at. Sweet mystery of life….. Happy July 4th!

  28. 

    I really liked how you went a whole other direction and got so many wild and hilarious comments. This was well written and so funny!

  29. 

    BITCHES BE CRAZY. So true. And agreed, I’m pretty much anti-marriage. I only know of one couple who has been happy and successful and those odds are just too low.

    You are hilarious.

    • 

      And YOU are gorgeous. I may not want to marry you, but I would love to make out with you.

      Oh! Tried my new clarisonic and I LOVED it. I also used a sample of one of the serums you recommended and it rocked! You know your stuff!

  30. 

    Reblogged this on estelle chronicles and commented:
    I’m lost for words on this one. Honestly.

  31. 
    erickeyswriter July 15, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    I agree with you about marriage. As someone in an unhappy one, I can affirm that marriage pretty much sucks. So, praise God that gay marriage is legal but – to paraphrase Doug Stanhope:

    Fight for your right to get married and then DON’T DO IT!

  32. 

    Its no secret. I hate both sexes, equally, for different reasons. I guess you could say that I hate people, equally.
    Also, I LOVE when you map out your stereotypes. They’re funny because they’re true and you don’t think that shit is funny, then you apparently need to remove the septre from your arse.

  33. 

    Bare with this video for a minute, it starts off a lil slow.

  34. 

    I love women, I do. Even married one. I love being married to her. But there are moments…

  35. 

    hahaha. My lesbian friends always tell me that even with all the trouble I have with men, it isn’t half as cray-cray as the shit lesbians do, so this post cracked me up!

  36. 

    They’re 100 % right!
    Yeah, men are nothing but trouble. Gah!

  37. 

    Ha,ha,ha! Thanks for the much needed laugh. My gay brothers-in-law drive a Subaru Outback, I guess it’s a gay thing all around! 🙂 It’s funny because they love hanging out with straight women but can’t stand lesbians. Oh, so many quirky things we all have. I don’t do cats either, btw. 🙂

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