An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters

April 8, 2014 — 193 Comments

openletter 2

Dear Open Letter Writer:

I’m writing this open letter to you because I’ve never met you.

Typically, people who write letters know one another. But this grandiose literary device known as the “Open Letter” requires no actual communication. It gives the illusion that I’m genuinely giving exceptional advice, while actually just driven by my own need to be heard.

The New Millenium cyberized version of the old-fangled “epizootics of the blowhole.”

And who am I to buck a trend? I want IN. Like omitting verbs and prepositions. The Bloggess writes, “Because… WINE.” And now everyone blogs without prepositions. It’s a pandemic grammatical anarchy on the blogosphere! Because…trendy.

Open Letters follow a formula.

There’s a “You see” paragraph near the beginning, so that it sounds like I’m an earnest motherfucker who was really in the metaphorical trenches, and I’m going to do my best to sound empathetic and concerned.

Then comes the “But what we need to remember is” paragraph. That’s where I dazzle you with how much of an expert I am on the topic. Invariably, I’ve managed to make a natural disaster-level hot mess of whatever it is I’m writing about and in hindsight, I have all the answers.

Then, comes the grand finale of the “I really don’t know if” paragraph to demonstrate humanity. Vulnerability. And to be used as a disclaimer, in case somewhat gets hurt actually following the bizarre tomfuckery I’ve just published.

You see, the open letter has a lofty history. And my “Open Letter to the Sweat On My Nutsack” belongs right up there with Emile Zola’s “J’accuse.” I have just as much to offer the world as a Nobel Prize-nominated literary giant calling out France on its anti-Semitism.

My “Open Letter To My 20-Year-old Self Because I’m a Narcissist Who Believes the Entire World is Fascinated By My Journey of Self Discovery” – let’s juxtapose that with Martin Luther King’s Letter from Birmingham Jail.

You may not be a historical figure penning the benchmark text for the American Civil Rights movement, but why not write a letter to an abstract concept? I am perfectly willing to embrace the incorrigible douchery of composing letters to entities that lack relevance, societal significance, or even a postal address.

What we need to remember is that open letters have come a long way. We no longer have to honor the glorious tradition of the Open Letter from historical figures who changed the world’s perspective.

‘Divorced Person’, you’re as much of an authority as Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon, who wrote an Open Letter on the survival of the media when he purchased the Washington Post.

Who better to pen “Open Letters to Bad Spouses” than someone who is crawling from the wreckage of their own stupidity? And it makes perfect sense to get validated by a built-in applause machine – your followers. People even more fucked up than you are; anxious, fearful and desperate for answers when the great cosmic joke is that THERE AREN’T ANY. HAHAHAHA

Celebrities have every right to want to air their stank, moldy laundry in the public eye. Why shouldn’t Dylan Farrow denounce Woody Allen as a pedophile in a New York Times Open Letter? It’s probably slipped all our minds that that he bedded and then eventually married his de facto step daughter, in some surreal scene from a Viagra commercial gone terribly wrong.

Open Letter as shaming mechanism is really en vogue, which is French for “spreads like a yeast infection.”

Sinead O’Connor has an issue with Miley Cyrus. Several issues, as a matter of fact.

Frankly, I don’t see what all the brouhaha is about. Miley’s a whole lot more compelling as a full-blown Hose Beast than she ever was when she was part of her Achy Breaky hillbilly family. Her career has skyrocketed, now that she’s gotten naked enough times to earn a recurring role on Game of Thrones. And her ludicrous antics certainly unite the nation, if not the world – and how many things do that?

But then Amanda Palmer, blogger extraordinaire, musician, writer of love poems dedicated to the Boston bomber and all around good time gal, decides SHE has an issue with Sinead having an issue with Miley.

Stay with me, here. This is multilayered, like a croissant. If croissants were the food of the ASSOSAURAS.

I especially LOVED the compassionate ‘Gurrllll, we’re in this together!’ appeal to Sinead  in Amanda Palmer’s letter:

“You and I know it – being a female musician/rockstar/whatever is a pretty fucking impossible and mind-bendingly frustrating job.”

Really? I can understand why you would put yourself and Sinead in the same category; after all, she’s a brilliant musician whose been nominated and won several Grammy awards  and you, Amanda – why YOU were named 13th of Paste Magazine‘s 20 Best Cover Songs of 2010, for your cover of Radiohead’s Fake Plastic Trees. Doesn’t your ukulele-playing ass have a plane to catch?

I should really have penned an open letter to Amanda Palmer regarding her open letter to Sinead O’Connor regarding Miley Cyrus. Then we can all tweet about the letters, and blog about the tweets, write more letters about the blogs, and write letters to those letters.

Eventually we’ll all go mad, stumbling in a funhouse maze of this self perpetuating camel snot. At that point, we’ll rent a school gymnasium and have a dance off, like in West Side Story – or perhaps bludgeon each other to death with our own inflated egos.

I really don’t know if we’ve reached a complete low in communication yet. We’ve not yet fully diluted the impact of the illustrious Open Letter. We can go smaller and even less significant in subject matter.

We can continue to think that the writers of these letter actually give a flying shit waffle about their audience, rather than just needing to spout their opinions where the largest number of people can see them.

We can find more ways to utilize the Open Letter in the generalized spread of negativity on the Internet, since they’re all about shame, and blame, and how badly we’ve fucked up. Why should we write Open Letters to positive forces in society? Wouldn’t it be silly to write “Open Letter to Fabulous Parents”? Why would we want to acknowledge people who do things RIGHT in the world?

We can continue to use the Open Letter to forfeit any chance for real communication and understanding.

Because if there ever was a way to dehumanize communication on the Internet, it’s with an Open Letter, about nothing, addressed to everyone.

Yours truly,

Samara

P.S. Next, I’m writing “10 Reasons Why I Hate List Posts.”

How do you feel about these letters to Miley? Sinead? 
Or the Open Letter in general? 
Is there anything on the Internet that seems to be trending to the point of cliche?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

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193 responses to An Open Letter to People Who Write Open Letters

  1. 

    I wrote an open apology letter to New Jersey once because…tomatoes.

    • 

      Yes, we do have nice tomatoes here in New Jersey. Corn. Strawberries. Peaches.

      Some of the nicer things about living here is the local produce, and the beaches, and

      yeah.

      • 

        And what about our blueberries? They’re kick ass and, best of all, CHEAP.

      • 

        If you’re nice to me, I’ll treat you to an amazing fresh homemade blueberry pie this summer.

        Do you remember when I posted a homemade pie on Thanksgiving? You licked your monitor. And we barely knew one another then. *blushes*

      • 

        I can’t believe you remember that. We’ve come so far, you and I.

      • 

        I remember everything about us. *blushes*

        Your comments are really good! It’s hard to forget them. You also told me in the same post that you liked my “cupcakes.” And then proceeded to describe how Sean Connery pronounces “pou-say”

      • 

        It’s true. I give good comment. And I believe it’s pronounced “pou-shay.”

      • 

        I mangled the spelling.

        You and Trent were made to be friends. He’s the only other blogger I know who not only loves the way Sean Connery says that, but spells it exactly the way you do.

        A blog bromance, for sure.

  2. 

    Guess Deanna unleashed the Snarkmonster! Purging kind of a day, was it?

    • 

      I’m often a Snarkmonster. My official title in the Blogging Alliance of the Damned is “Queen of Snark.” And someone else gave me that title, a while ago.

      I do love the snark. Because…funny.

      • 

        I have a brainful of snark, but it’s not quite mine. I have to listen to it though *sigh*. Still, what is life but an adventure, even if it’s only around the corners of our own mind?

        You’re clearly widely recognised for your snark.

        I discovered this evening that I am held in high regard (still) for being one of the only people able to trip over the internet (years ago). According to my friend, if anyone were to find a way to trip over wi-fi, it would also probably be me.

      • 

        Wait, what?

        You’re either being SO snarky I can’t keep up (I’ve only had 2 hours sleep) or literal, and I totally don’t understand.

        I trip over everything. My superpower is tripping over invisible objects.

        How do you have snark in your brain that’s not yours? Explain yourself, missy. You’re too intelligent for me, and I DON’T LIKE IT! Can you dumb yourself down for your ‘Merican friend?

      • 

        Suffice it to say I carry around a critical inner-voice which speaks in tones of certain people I grew up with. For further clarity (should you wish to follow the thread) – my latest is an interview with him.

        I wasn’t being snarky. Not to you (this time – who knows what the future will hold, right? 😉 )

        2 hours? Dude you need a nap!

        I challenge your superpower to a duel.

        I fall over contour lines (you know the ones cartographers leave lying around?) all the time.

      • 

        We are sisters from another mister.

        I have the exact same voice from my childhood. Although mine speaks in tones of voices I never heard, saying things I wanted to hear.

        Bummer. But look how wonderful we are now!!

        Contour lines – I’m in LOVE! You know stuff! Lots and lots of stuff!

        Please don’t be insulted when I tell you I’ve met my match in nerd-dom. I embrace and celebrate being a nerd. An information junkie. A person who loves to know stuff.

        Superpower duel accepted! I just don’t want to get slapped with a glove or anything. Because…ouch.

      • 

        Apparently I’m in a ‘starting duels’ kind of mood today. This will be my second.

        Name your terms, Milady

        *decides to forgo the glove slap in lieu of a well-placed flick to the centre of the forehead…*

        (you hear things you wish you’d heard? Must be nice, in a way…*wistful* Mine speaks as I was used to – to undermine, belittle, unworthen…yadda yadda)

      • 

        We had different sides of the same childhood coin.

        Feeling unworthy is my specialty! But let’s not have that discussion here.

        A flick to the forehead! Ouch!

    • 

      No indeed. It’s through all my writing though. Ah well. One day perhaps I’ll escape its clutches. In the meantime, let me know if you want to duel 🙂

      • 

        I’ve written about it as well.

        I want to escape its clutches. I NEED to.

        It impacts too many things in my life. Today, I almost took down this post. Because I thought it had hurt someone’s feelings. Ugh.

        I pray my son is not growing up like that. I tell him all the time he’s amazing. I think- he’ll be okay. Fingers crossed.

      • 

        I probably need to learn to fight it better. I had a short, sharp shock today when I realised how very alienating and self-centred it can be. Sickeningly repulsive stuff.

        Tell him Truths. I’m sure he’ll be fine. You’ll be extra careful to build him up and turn him into a robust individual, and good for you 🙂 (and better for him, so YAY!)

  3. 

    Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t it ironic that most people who write open letters tend to be close-minded? Samara, you’re the obvious exception. To many things, actually. Because… intelligence.

    • 

      I’ve read a couple of very good open letters. This was kind of a bet I made with someone.

      I’m the exception to MANY things?? Like what?

      That’s an intriguing statement. I want to know more, because…self absorbed!

      • 

        I’m glad you made the bet; it was a great post.

        I don’t think I used all-caps on “many.” That would suggest at least two or three additional things you are the exception to. I should avoid getting too specific because… court-appointed lawyer.

      • 

        I’m going to take that as a compliment! And kind of fill in the blanks myself.

        Ned – you’re not off the hook for that blog post, you know! I see you’ve been a busy bee and I will make it to your blog soon.

        I always get jammed up when I write. Unable to visit blogs and comment. I need more time, or better time management skills.

      • 

        Definitely should be taken as a compliment, Samara.

        And believe me, I have every intention of NOT getting off the hook! I’m finally starting to see my virtual desk top, so putting together my GP for you is one of my next priorities.

        I totally understand about getting jammed up. I feel really bad when I can’t get to other people’s blogs for a while. I tend to have reading marathons, not realizing of course that I’m commenting on something that happened two weeks ago. They’re like, “Uh… yeah. My dog has now been dead for seven days. Thanks anyway for the canine nutrition advice…”

      • 

        “Thanks for the birth congratulations. My grandkid is actually starting Pre K…”

        I can’t fit it all in, even with the marathons. I think it’s time to do the old “clean out the reader.” I can’t just keep adding.

        But who to get rid of? I’ll start with the open letter people…

  4. 

    I have no idea what this kerfluffle is, nor why I should care about Sinead, Miley and Amanda’s circle, nor am I going to look it up
    On the other hand, I’m glad they are all composing Open Letters, because at least it will keep them from getting in real trouble.

    • 

      Oh my God, KERFLUFFLE! That’s what I should have written instead of “brouhaha.”

      Can I contact you as sort of a human thesaurus? Are you always flush with words like “kerfluffle?” Crazy words are kind of my thing.

      Sinead, Miley and Amanda are most certainly NOT in the same circle, except maybe a circle of utter craziness.

      Kerfluffle. Please don’t be mad if I go back and edit this, and steal that word.

      • 

        Utter craziness is a very wide and accepting circle. I’ll contact the board and make sure they’ve received their membership kits.

        Kerfluffle away. Doesn’t everyone use that word in everyday speech?

      • 

        I just knew you had an “in” with the board of utter craziness!

        Do they have discount memberships if I bring a friend, or 12? I have this group of women I hang out with on WordPress…

        I love that word. Because…kerfluffle.

  5. 

    Wow. I like your snark

    Have ever read any books / articles by a guy called Will Self? You two are made for each other. But there again Scrubious Pip could be more up your street. He’s more inked up (as you say)

    I chuckled all the way to the end.

    • 

      I have heard of neither of them! Please educate me. Are they British?

      Don’t you call it “inked up”? I also call them tats.

      I do like people with lots of ink. I’m not brave enough, nor is it practical for my business, to get the amount of ink I would like.

      Scrubious Pip? That’s a real name?

      • 

        Yes they are both British. Scroobius (helps if I spell his name – right) you might like. See my Twitter for a little of his glitter (uuurrghh sorry lol) Not sure but i think his name might have been taken from an Edward Lear poem. Will Smith snarky social satirist, he gets into your head like a sleek slow motion ninja & then messes with your mind (take a dictionary though)

        There are some seriously amazing breath taking tats around!

      • 

        There’s nothing I love better than needing a dictionary to make my way through someone’s work.

        I love dictionaries! But you already knew that, right?

      • 

        I’m supremely consummately Indubitably categorically unequivocally positive about your love of language 😉

      • 

        Emphatically, categorically…

      • 

        Hey, two things totally unrelated; firstly you should go read ravenjanedoh her blog is genius. Secondly, at the other end of the scale of significance, is the (fortunately) rare self blog. I recommend the former over the latter

      • 

        I have been so out of the loop the last 2 weeks – haven’t written, barely read or commented.

        I’m trying to get back on track. Promise! I will read both at your suggestion.

        xo,
        S

  6. 

    Open letter to squirrels who want to live inside screened-in porches:

    Watch your furry butts because … angry leaping and snarling pet dogs!

    Wow, I needed to get that one out into the blogosphere, Samara.

    • 

      Don’t you feel a whole lot better, Mark?

      I know I would not feel like the world was safe until I wrote that letter.

      We’ll all sleep a little better tonight!

  7. 

    You, girl, have taken snark to level DEFCON 4…what an enormous mind! I think more people in the world really do need to give a flying shit waffle about important stuff like the insidious erosion of our collective intelligence because…

    • 

      Wait – I thought it was DEFCON 5?

      I don’t know if it’s my mind, or my attitude. But I did have fun with this.

      I just know you’re going to hijack “flying shit waffle.” Because…REDdog.

      • 

        There’s a DEFCON 5? You have room to move.

        It’s your expansive mind guided by a searingly hot fuckitude that combines to sweat greatness.

        Of course, Holy Flying Shit Waffle Batman! has all kinds of applications and fits right alongside some of my other favourites.

      • 

        THAT is the best thing anyone’s ever said to me in the comments section!

        Expansive mind guided by searingly hot fucktitude.

        Will that look good on a job resume, I wonder?

        There’s also douchewaffle. If you’re in a breakfast kind of mood.

  8. 

    Oh. My. Word. This was amazing (amazeballs? Am I internetting right?). I almost lost it when you got to the part about Amanda Palmer. Jeebus I love your blog.

    • 

      I believe amazeballs would be the correct vernacular.

      Also awesomesauce, which is neither awesome nor a sauce. It can’t be consumed. I refuse to be teased in that way.

      Is Amanda Fucking Palmer (as we big shots in the blog world know her as) going to kickstart a group of her minions to beat me to death with their ukuleles?

      I gotta tell you, Em, I’m a little scared.

  9. 

    “My “Open Letter To My 20-Year-old Self Because I’m a Narcissist Who Believes the Entire World is Fascinated By My Journey of Self Discovery””

    Oh how I loved, loved this line.There is something to be said for keeping letters between you and the person you are writing to, between you and the person you are writing to.

    • 

      Or not writing them at all?

      I recently stumbled onto a blog about Narcissists. And it’s my new favorite thing – understanding Narcissism. I think I tend to attract them, or are attracted to them.

      Because…idiotic.

  10. 

    I wrote an open letter to Jennifer Lawrence once. I asked her to marry me. I guess she’s still thinking about it.

    • 

      She’s a FOOL!

      She’ll never find anyone quite like you. What is she waiting for?

      Is she your celebrity crush? I’m not attracted to her. Interestingly enough. of the two key actors in Hunger Games, Josh Hutcherson is the one I like.

      It’s not at all creepy. Even though I liked him since Firehouse Dog, when he was 15. Or 12?

      God, I hope it was 15.

  11. 

    BAHAHAHAHA love this!!!!!

  12. 

    I wrote an open letter to myself once, but I was too pretentious to read it.

  13. 

    I barely know who any of the people you mentioned even are. But I think at this point I would read your grocery list with interest. And yes, it would still seem like having sex.

    • 

      You KNOW who Miley Cyrus is!! And don’t tell me you haven’t heard of Martin Luther King.

      That’s really all you need to know. That, and maybe the “20 year old self.” Cause you and I, we need a few more Narcissists in our lives.

      HOW did this seem like having sex? No way.

      You’re too funny. I’ll take that as a compliment.

      Unless it’s because I’m hooker-ish? I hope that’s not what you meant…

      • 

        I know what she looks like. I’ve never heard any of her music or anything. And MLK of course. But the rest. Eh.

        There’s nothing wrong with hookers. But that isn’t what I meant. Maybe I just have a girl crush on you. And it was intended as a compliment.

      • 

        Girl crushes are awesome!

        And there IS nothing wrong with hookers. Forgive me for being judgmental.

        The Hooker Union is coming after me, as we speak, for defamation of character.

        I don’t really listen to Miley Cyrus. No one actually LISTENS to Miley Cyrus. We just listen to people talk about Miley Cyrus. I have no idea why she’s become so important.

        Must have been that foam finger she humped.

      • 

        I didn’t think you were being judgmental at all. I just didn’t want to be all ‘I would NEVER compare you to a hooker!” And then you would think I had some judgement about prostitution. But I would never compare you to a hooker. Unless you were offering me sex for money. Then I might.

      • 

        Wait, I’m no law expert, but wouldn’t that technically make YOU the hooker? And me the hook-ee?

        I had 2 hours of sleep last night and I can’t see straight. But I’m pretty sure I have that part right.

        Prostitution should be legal. It’s a victimless crime.

        I have no idea where that came from. Just sayin.’

      • 

        There are lots of things that I’d like to see legalized. And that is one of them. And I also have been sleeping poorly for the past two weeks. I cant tell if it is making me act as weird as I feel. But I guess so if I cant even properly negotiate a prostitution exchange. I’d be trying to get some poor confused woman (because I wouldn’t pay to fuck a man) to pay me for sex.

      • 

        The day I have to pay a man for sex, just FUCKING SHOOT ME.

        Put me out to pasture and SHOOT ME.

        I’m pretty sure I wrote that on someone else’s blog recently. I have no idea why.

        I never sleep. Most people know that about me, I thought? I have chronic insomnia. Ugh. I’m frequently waffling around WordPress at 2 am, finding California bloggers and Australian bloggers who are up and commenting.

        That is the one good thing about WordPress. It gives me something to do when the insomnia gets bad. I hate watching television at 4 am. It smells like failure.

      • 

        Me too. Mine comes in waves. Sometimes it will be gone for so long that I think it is finally gone forever. But nope. That’s when I do my crafting.

  14. 

    Open letters? Nah, they’re usually bills these days. Anywho, I don’t have a huge amount to say one Cyrus or O’Connor or Palmer but will point out you said “hose beast.” lol

    Party on, Wayne.

    By the way, I’ve tried a slightly different topic for my latest story. You may like it.

    • 

      Oh my god, THAT’s where that little nugget came from!

      Psycho Hose Beast from Wayne’s World!

      I had no idea. It was just in there, with all the other minutiae that clogs my brain.

      Heading over to your blog shortly.

  15. 

    That time I read Samara’s blog and laughed my ass off…. (internet cliche? or am I just woefully clueless?) The “List Posts”, the “Open Letters”, the misleading Titles that make you think one thing when really the article states the opposite… The over use of ellipses… (I joke, but I really have a problem with the ellipses. I can’t help it and I’m not even going to try to stop.) Loved this! You rock!

    • 

      “That time I” most definitely qualifies as a cliche.

      I embrace cliches. My favorite to use is: “In Which I.”
      And I have a long standing love affair with ellipses.
      I have at least 10 of them in every blog post…

  16. 

    I wrote open letters to my abuser and my ex-boyfriend. Not sure I followed this format. Does that mean I did it wrong?

    • 

      No, Cimmy. I think what you did was just fine. Appropriate, and probably exactly what you needed to do.

      I just felt like having a bit of snarky fun with other, less significant letters. Kind of, letting the tiger out of the cage for a bit of air.

      That’s all. So glad to see you here. I’ve not had a chance to visit many blogs lately. I’ll stop by yours later!

  17. 

    I’ve never written an open letter. Am I doing this blogging thing right? I could write a letter to underboob sweat. Summer has got me DOWN.

    • 

      I’m sorry you’re feeling down, beautiful girl.

      If it’s any consolation, your 5×5 with The Hook was hilarious.
      And the Patti video, showing up in my reader first thing in the AM?
      Rocked. My. World.

      We belong together, you and I, linked by our love for Patti Smith. It’s a thing. Not everyone gets it. They should. But they don’t.

  18. 

    You should take this down. I find it offensive. Actually, no, just kidding.

    I never understood the open letter article. It’s basically saying something like, HEY EVERYBODY CHECK ME THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO PUNCH ALL YOU ANTAGONISTS IN THE DICK RIGHT NOW AND YOU’RE TOO STUPID TO RECOGNIZE IT or something like that.

    And by the way, “Open Letter to the Sweat On My Nutsack”: a laugh out loud moment, four, count them, four times. Bingo. Right on. Great post. Salute \m/

  19. 

    I like reading open letters, mostly because they often reveal more about the writer than the subject or subject matter. But as an alternative to activism, as a method of speaking with dollars or votes, or as a vehicle for transmitting shame and judgement– not so much. 🙂 Loved this. Because… you. 😉

    • 

      Rara, do you know I was actually thinking of something you said on your vlog when I wrote this?

      You really struck a chord when you talked about negativity on the blogosphere, and on the Internet in general. As much as this was filled with pseudo negativity wrapped in my snark, one of the big messages I was trying to deliver is: Why are there so many open letters that disseminate negativity? Can’t they be used as a celebration of life?

      I might actually write one. An Open Letter To Spring. Because…happy.

  20. 

    Who is Miley Cyrus? Does she have a blog I should be reading? I’ve heard of Sinead … I probably even heard a song of hers back in the 80’s.
    Why do I care about either of them today?

    I enjoy open letters. I’ve even written one or two… but, they were addressed to generic groups/stereotypes… The Idiots who don’t understand that motor vehicle apply to them while they are on their bikes but somehow it is still my fault if I hit them when they are going the wrong way, on the sidewalk, wearing all black, at midnight, of a moonless night… Or something like that. I don’t remember, because that was more than a few days ago, and in internet age that’s an eternity.

    Wait, what are we talking about again? Coffeh? Douche-canoes? Awesomesauce?

    • 

      Please tell me you didn’t actually run over a biker on a moonless night. It would totally change how I view you.

      Although I will always love you. Because…awesomesauce.

      I definitely need more coffeh. Because I think you’re joking with me, and I’m too fried to get it.

      I don’t think anyone actually LISTENS to Miley Cyrus. We just have to listen to people talk ABOUT Miley Cyrus. Which means she’s #winning.

  21. 

    Because…brilliant! I agree these letters are getting tired. There’s nothing original about them anymore. A letter to everyone about nothing. You’re so good!

    • 

      There’s just too many of them, Amy! It’s getting a little out of control.

      I used to have respect for the New York Times. It may have been one of the last newspapers I DID respect. Now? I’m done. Will they publish anything?

      Thanks for reading! I owe you a visit to your blog. I shall be there soon!

  22. 

    Because…participation.

    Also, beginning to understand the WP love of the orange light 😀

  23. 

    1. You’re intelligence blows me away. You are off the charts amazing.

    2. I admire you so much.

    3. I LOVE this post so I suppose it counts that you used it as an example. 😉

    4. I wonder why I didn’t get a pingback that you linked to my post.

    5. Thanks for the dedication Sister Wife. I couldn’t be more honored, especially on this post.

    • 

      No ping back? Did the link work? I check them all carefully. I REALLY want people to not only read your post –
      but to see how you handle yourself under attack. Grace under fire.

      Thank you for saying such nice things! Funny that you mention my intelligence when I giggled like a 10 year old while writing words like “shitwaffle” and “tomfuckery.”

      Thanks for reading, lovey. I can’t wait to see your post for Tipsy Lit. I have to email you about that, actually. I have a question.

      xo,
      S

      • 
        Deanna Herrmann April 9, 2014 at 8:04 am

        I think it works. I forget if I checked it. I’ve been a busy bee. The post for Tipsy Lit is actually my first week long feature where I handled the submissions, editing etc. I’m in charge of Travel Writing week next week. I’m pretty excited and hope it’s not a flop. Do you have my email? It’s deanna1608@yahoo.com. xoxo

      • 

        The link definitely works.
        I hope everyone reads that post.

  24. 

    You left out the paragraph whereby the writer, dripping with sincerity, sees and respects the target’s point of view which is, of course, lip service because they do neither.

    [Here’s why I don’t believe Dylan Farrow: Woody stands accused of abusing Dylan’s sister once. Pedophilia isn’t a one-time event. There’s a history of occurrences over and over again. Pedophiles are never cured. They can’t stop. We’d have heard more by now.]

    [[New post up this morning. I’m not pleading for you to come over. I’m wondering if your Reader picked it up.]]

    • 

      I don’t even know where I stand on the whole Woody Allen drama, but for the love of Christ – an Open Letter from Dylan Farrow in the New York Times? How low have newspapers stooped that they publish this kind of drivel? I expect better from the Times.

      The famous need to be MORE famous; the unknown have to BE known, and really, it’s all so disgusting.

      Plus, I just felt like writing some silliness. I get into those moods. You know, where only phrases like “incorrigible douchery” will do.

      I’ll check my reader! I have about 300 blogs coursing through there like blood after a shoot out. I’ve got to purge a few. It’s too much!

      • 

        Are you friggin’ kidding me? 300 blogs?! How’d you let that happen? You need to do some weeding out, my dear. How are you not overwhelmed? If I see a bunch of unread posts in my reader, I get an anxiety attack.

      • 

        I know, I know!!

        When people comment and follow me faithfully, I try and follow them back.

        I’m failing miserably and reading and commenting on all the blogs I want to.

        I need a team behind me. An assistant, at the very least. I’m anonymous. I could just be the creation of 2 or 3 writers…

      • 

        I have the same problem but my tipping point—my threshold for being overdrawn on my blog bank account—is much, much lower than yours.

        It sucks to take someone out of your Reader, doesn’t it? I always feel like I’m disrespecting them. But you’ve got to harden your heart a little and take some your life back. Snip away!

      • 

        But who? Who to cut?

        In a way, it’s not that big a deal. I barely get to read and leave comments, because of that crazy number ticking through my reader.

        That’s IT! Today is the day I reclaim my life! *puts armor around heart*

        There! I’m ready.

  25. 

    well, this was awesome… and now I feel bad for my open letters… even though I did them just to slam gun nuts, terrorists, rich assholes, racists and some others I can’t remember right now.

    • 

      Don’t feel bad!

      I went the 100% snark route, but there are some excellent open letters by bloggers. Please, slam the racist terrorist rich asshole gun nuts!

      I just don’t know if the NEW YORK TIMES needs to get involved in the Woody Allen/Mia Farrow drama.

      And the open letters to the open letters to the whatever – geez, people. Take a breather!

      Have you ever gone completely bankrupt, and then written “An Open Letter on How to Create Wealth”?

      No. That’s kind of what I’m talking about.

      I’m the guiltiest one of all. Because…copy cat.

  26. 

    Clever, so much LOL!

    Thanks for stabbing so much dorkness in one post. I didn’t understand the Queen of Snark title until this.
    Now I’ll be looking for opportunities to write “bizarre tomfuckery”, which has just been added to my spell checker.

    • 

      I DO love to play with language, and that one tickled me as well.

      I also got a kick out of “incorrigible douchery ” and “flying shit waffle.”

      Yes. This is how I earned my title. I love being Queen of SOMETHING.

      • 

        Are these the upgrades for ‘douchecanoe’ and ‘twatwaffle’? I kinda liked them…

  27. 

    Reading this letter just cleared all the congestion in my head. Wait, or did it fill it with more? LOL.

    I am a BIG letter writer (I’m not fat or anything, I mean an avid letter writer). I write letters to everyone! Usually when something goes wrong. I’ve written letters to Mr. Dell @Dell Computers (I really did) Mr. Citibank (the CEO actually lowered my interest rate) & Presidents of Hospitals (he ended up giving my niece a $40,000 grant to attend a top of the line mental health facility). And many more because…bacon.

    • 

      Oh, you’re just like me!! I write letters to those sorts of people, too! You never know what result you might get, and it’s worth a try.

      I write positive ones, too. And my 10 year old son actually wrote one to NASA, and drew pictures.

      He was rewarded for his efforts by a completely personalized, non- form letter BACK from someone at NASA. They sent him all sorts of photos, and stickers. He was thrilled, and it was a proud day for Mama, too!

      What IS it with bloggers and bacon?

      • 

        That’s very cool about the NASA photos and stickers. I actually also write positive ones, those are “funner”. Bacon requires no explanation.

      • 

        I think the positive letters are so necessary, to balance out all the complaining ones I write.

        I had a very difficult labor and birth, and one nurse took care of me like I was her daughter. I wrote a letter to the CEO of the hospital, just to let him know how amazing she was.

        I have no idea why I just remembered that. It just popped into my head!

        I made a joke on Twitter the other night that I might be the only person on social media who isn’t obsessed with bacon and Nutella!

      • 

        Nutella not so much, but bacon I will kill for. 🙂

      • 

        I think I’m going to be kicked of social media for not having a love affair with bacon.

        I LIKE bacon – don’t get me wrong. But i’m not going to do hard time for it.

        Doughnuts are a different story. Baked goods of all kind. Yum.

      • 

        Bacon and unicorns. Also, rainbows.

  28. 

    Dude, who is Amanda Palmer? Why am I always the last to know about stuff? I know who Miley Cyrus is though. That’s the girl-boy from Stratford Ontario that sings like a sparrow and craps like a moose.

    I don’t think I’ve ever gone out of my way to read an open letter before. What’s the difference between an open letter and a letter? And isn’t an open letter only meant for the rich and the famous and the complete douches? That’s what I had figured, anyhow. Now back to some exciting Amanda Palmer research… I bet I don’t know what I’m missing.

    • 

      Amanda Fucking Palmer is a musician and blogger. She’s talented, but her greatest talents are getting people to worship her and causing controversy. And pretending to be anti- money and marriage, and then marrying a very wealthy man.

      She mostly doesn’t bother me, even though she’s incredibly full of herself, because she’s edgy and sexy and musical and cool and hot and all that good shit. I typically love that.

      But Amanda Fucking Palmer kind of crossed over into insanity when she actually felt compelled to write an open letter to Sinead O’Connor.

      Dude, I don’t understand the whole open letter thing either. Remember when you went on your rant about being called a pussy? If you felt like you were king of the world, you would have called it “Open Letter to Women Who Think Men are Pussies.” And written on behalf of men everywhere. To women everywhere.

      Btw, I think you have Miley confused with Taylor Swift.

      As for your Amanda Palmer research, I thoughtfully provided links. You’re welcome.

      • 

        An Open Letter To Samara:

        Sinead’s letter needed editing for repetition but I thought both open letters expressed their opposing viewpoints rather well.

        The open letter format wasn’t necessary but in Sinead’s case it effectively conveyed personal concern while discussing an issue with wider relevance.
        AFP’s jumping on the open letter bandwagon was OK by me since she had something worthwhile to say.

        Aside from the content I think it is good for the public to see that slebs in some cases can and do write well. Miley had a chance to join the club but sadly just made a twatty tweet instead.

    • 

      By the way, did you read Nadia’s 5×5 with the Hook? I freakin’ love her.

      • 

        Yah absolutely. I really like Nadia. I think she has some serious snark in her soul, and just makes me laugh. Missed her quite a bit over time, as she’s not been posting much, but glad to see her back and out.

      • 

        She’s snarky and soulful, and feels too much, and thinks too much and is just a blast to read. Even when she’s down.

        I’m so happy she’s posting also. She put a goddamn Patti Smith video up. That made my month.

  29. 

    True story

    For a project in a creative writing class I took in my last year of college, I had to write an open letter to the local newspaper.

    I wrote mine to fraternity guys and male college students to respect women and not promote “rape culture”. The newspaper ran it. I wasn’t welcome on fraternity row anymore. I was never prouder of myself.

    Great post…you’re smart

    • 

      Fraternity row rejected you?
      That IS a proud moment!

      I know you’re not old, but you’re not fresh out of college. Rape culture has been around too long.

      Thanks for visiting, and for calling me smart!
      xo,
      S

  30. 

    I am going to write an open letter to you Samara and then a list of 10 reasons why I love you and then maybe make you into a meme and do a Youtube video of me and Bixby proposing via a flash dance

    • 

      OMG, will you and Bixby really propose?

      I would marry the two of you in a New York minute! Even without the flash dance.

      Although I would like Bixby to get down on one furry little knee, if he could.

  31. 

    And the Queen strikes again!
    I personally blame the Internet for the proliferation of open letters. Before, you actually had to address it to someone, write it on paper, buy a stamp, and mail it to one person who may or may not read it. Now you just skip the last few steps and it’s an open letter the addressee will still not read. Or you can even skip the addressing part, and just call it a blog post.
    I wrote exactly one open letter post – and that was my only post that went down with the Le Clown empire. Maybe that’s Universe’ way of telling me that I should stick to lists.
    Speaking of which, I’m definitely looking forward to reading your “10 reasons I hate list posts”. I could probably add a couple of reasons, too.

    • 

      Several people commented that now they understand why you crowned me!

      You know what?
      We could collaborate, or even better:
      Why don’t YOU write that “10 reasons I hate list posts.”
      That’s really your territory.
      You could guest blog for me! I would be honored!

      • 

        Ah! NOW they get it!
        I’m thinking about it. I have some thoughts, but I’m not nearly close to 10 reasons. If I make it to 10, I’ll let you know. But since you did create the idea for the post, I wouldn’t mind if you write the whole thing or we collaborate.

      • 

        Yep – NOW they get it.

        I love that it will forever be the way you Crowned me. I use it in my Blog Alliance and everything – and credit you, always!

        I don’t want to write it! I would either collaborate, or let you guest post.

        Because YOU are the undisputed King of Lists of Ten Things. 🙂

  32. 

    This totally counts for ball sweat credit. Except maybe I should insist you blog about it because then it would be a learning opportunity for me.

    You kill me, Samara. Have you seen the movie “Being John Malkovich?” I think that if I had the opportunity to go inside someone’s brain, it would be yours. You spin the most ridiculous yet intriguing sentences.

    Also, this: “This is multilayered, like a croissant. If croissants were the food of the ASSOSAURAS” somehow needs to make it onto one of those meme images on Pinterest. Brillz.

    • 

      Oooh, I loved “Being John Malkovich.” Those are my favorite kind of movies. So original.

      I love ridiculous sentences! I get a little “squeee” of joy in my heart when phrases like “bizarre tomfuckery” spill out of my strange, strange mind. Thank you for loving them, too!

      #dickpunch Thursday. Because…sister wives.

  33. 

    Reading this post made my day in a way that Vap-o-rub wet sock, dry sock feet never could. Because…amaze-balls.

  34. 

    Open letter to you: I love this post.

    • 

      Hi Ann!

      I’m so glad you loved it! I had a lot of fun writing it.

      The letters to letters to letters thing is just…getting out of hand, isn’t it?
      And I had such high hopes for the New York Times. How could they publish something sensationalistic like that letter?Ack!

  35. 

    Love your open letter … because, powerful.

    • 

      I’m so happy people are enjoying this letter.

      I had a lot of fun writing it! I mean, c’mon! When does it end? Open Letters are great, but isn’t the whole thing getting out of hand?

      Hope you’re having an amazing weekend.

  36. 

    I think I’m going to have to step back as Snarky Dwarf and give you the title. I laughed through this entire piece, nodding my head in complete agreement.

    • 

      Laura- we can be co Queens of Snark!

      List of X crowned me, so we can just ask him to adjust his coronation.

      I’m so glad you concurred. Open Letters were, and are, wonderful. But WTF? It’s just getting out of control.

      I hate when cool things get overused. Sucks the swag right out of them.

      • 

        I love the concept of an Open Letter, but it has gotten out of hand. To me, it is only truly useful if it will be seen by the party it is addressed to. Everyone who writes one does it with a specific person or group in mind, and if they aren’t seeing it, then it is quite pointless.

  37. 

    “This is multilayered, like a croissant. If croissants were the food of the ASSOSAURAS” I love this line and not just because it makes me want to eat a croissant. I think “Assosouras might just become one of my new daily words, like “dickpunch” and “snorph.”
    In other news, *goes to posts and deletes Open Letter to All…* kidding. I tend to overlook the open letters. I like the letters to specifics. I followed the Sinead O’Connor, Miley Cyrus thing for about 20 minutes, and then I lost interest because…internet.

    But you might have just inspired a post. A positive spin on the open letter…thinking…maybe.

    Great post, SW.

  38. 

    You’re fucking hilarious. You “had me” at “open letter to the sweat on my nutsack”. Because…Gold Bond Medicated Powder. Because…Hero who invented that stuff. I’m trying here. You’re one of THOSE blogger/writer/people, it appears. You know, the ones who hold your attention or make you laugh and you tell yourself “I’ve made people laugh; I need to blog again”, but also, “she does it better than me (and that other blogger does it better than me and that other writer) and so why should I try–I think I’ll just drink and see what’s on Netflix.”
    I AM going to write an open letter someday to DISH satellite tv, the shadiest outfit ever invented, because they deserve it; they deserve all the public ridicule and shaming they can get.
    Thank you so much also for giving my Sinead the “props” she deserves–what a fabulous voice. Her “Paddy’s Lament” is just the best thing ever. She is my musical hero, even if sometimes I wonder what exactly she put in her Cheerios along with the whisky and the LSD and the milk.

    • 

      I think maybe some Lithium and Peach Brandy?
      Yes, I love Sinead too, and I thought it was hilarious the way that ukulele playing whoever felt so comfortable BONDING with her that way.

      Every day I find a blogger who makes me want to give up and just binge on Netflix and Ben and Jerry’s. And then I remember, NetFlix is a WHORE and I’m not going to do that!

      But I’m glad I made you laugh, and I hope you’ll stick around and play.
      xo!

  39. 

    Wow. Exhaustive read…but in a just-finished-a-killer-workout-now-I’m-pumped-and-it’s-time-to-party-to-excess-kinda-way.

    Write on.

    • 

      Kurt-
      Thank you. If you thought this was exhausting, try reading the Bukowski post.

      Who is Kurt Brindley?
      I went on your About page. Wow. Talk about exhaustive. But you are an intriguing fellow.

      • 

        Yeah, I read the Bukowski post. I’m the “concur” guy, to which you said something about doctors…or something.

        And about that About page of mine…I know, I know…somehow that thing got all cluttered up like a creepy old attic.

      • 

        Oh, the concur thing-
        My blogging friend has a funny story about when he worked in retail.

        A group of people were talking and he said ” I concur.” And someone asked him, “isn’t that something doctors do?”

        And it just became a joke. “I concur. Like a doctor.”

        Your About page is not cluttered like a creepy old attic. It’s filled with interesting information, like an encyclopedia. If I had more time, and brain cells to spare, I’d start stalking your blog.

        Can you just give me the cliff notes?

  40. 

    Gee, I thought every blog was already an Open Letter … 😉 Actually, I wrote one to my husband a couple of anniversaries ago. Not to shame or blame, but to help others who know him understand him better (the way I do). Do I get any Kudos for writing a positive, uplifting Open Letter? Because … ego.

  41. 

    And then coincidentally (ironically?) … this

    • 

      I want to read this. I do.
      But I’m on my phone and the print is so tiny.

      And I have a terrible migraine headache from people stressing me out unnecessarily.

      But I will read it- at a later date. What is the connection- did your wife wrote that post? I feel terrible that someone you know is suffering from endometriosis.

      • 

        Actually, I didn’t really mean it to be read (I didn’t read it). I just screwed up and forgot to add the part about it being freshly pressed today…which should explain the coincidentally/ironically part.

      • 

        wait-
        so it was a coincidence because an open letter got freshly pressed?

        And I was freshly pressed, and I’ve written an open letter to open letter writers?

        Dude. That’s weak.

        Nah, I’m just goofin’ you! Is that a self portrait for a gravatar?

        peace out,
        S
        I don’t have any idea why I wrote ‘peace out” but I think it works.

      • 

        Weak is my middle name. Used to be Danger but, well…so it goes.

      • 

        I’m actually going to give you a nickname right now, because that’s what I do.
        “Danger.” That’s what I’m calling you from now on.

        So, is that a self portrait, Danger?

      • 

        Yes.

        Probably won’t respond well to danger. No longer my nature to anyway.

      • 

        Well. what sort of nickname suits you?

        I have asked you 3 times if that is a self potrait you’e drawn, and you’ve avoided the question!

        And we don’t know one another, so I don’t have anything to go by.

        Hmmm. A challenge. Can you give e some hints that would help me develop a nickname? A blog Cliff Notes?

      • 

        No nicknames, please. The yes was in response to the self portrait question. Wasn’t avoiding the question…just slow. Probably best if you delete this comment string from your post. It appears you have a ton of fans and don’t think they really want to have to sift through all this off-topic blather of mine. Looking forward to your next post, btw. Your writing style reminds me a lot of Chuck Wendig. That’s a good thing…at least in my view. Write on…

      • 

        Why would I delete this string of comments? unless you personally would like me to.

        My whole commen section is made up of off-topic blather. It’s what I l like the best about blogging

      • 

        So… I went ahead and updated that unbearably long About page of mine with a speed option for superstar bloggers like you who don’t have enough time to properly tend to all her many fans. I’m all about accommodation.

      • 

        Dude, I am SO not a superstar blogger.

        I aspire to be, maybe? one day? Mostly because I’d like to be a superstar anything.

        I am always pressed for time, so if I want to get to know you through your blog, can you send me links to posts that show you are? Many thanks!

  42. 

    I am so late to this post but I have to comment because…camel snot. LOL You are brilliant.

  43. 

    I write open letters because they are a great political device…and they create a digital paper trail…as for the disingenuous gaming strategies your describe…well I don’t know about them…:)

  44. 

    Finally someone said it! Thank you!

  45. 

    loved this blog so darn much.

  46. 

    This made me giggle with the snark, sarcasm, and full blown truth of the subject matter. I too feel a disdain for the open letter when it ends with the words just saying…. 😉

  47. 

    Thank you for the shout out on this post!

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  1. Friday Links 18/04 | Sherbet and Sparkles - April 18, 2014

    […] An open letter to people who write open letters. So perfect. […]

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