Samara: Your book was really funny. It might have been the peyote I ate, but I’m pretty sure I would have laughed anyway. How do you manage to be so funny?
Rodney: I’m an only child so I’ve had plenty of time to myself growing up. This usually meant I was either perfecting my comic timing or fondling my genitalia while staring at my Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders poster. Or both. My upbringing was mainly just me alone in my room trying to make pictures laugh so I could get a boner, essentially.
Samara: I love the cave man scene. How can I get a man to cover me in pine needles, a dead sloth, and feces?
Rodney: I’m pretty sure you’d just have to ask. Guys will do anything to get laid.
Samara: Of the five “typical romantic” gifts, JEWELRY. That is all. It’s not even a question, just give me jewelry.
Rodney: I’m okay with giving a woman jewelry if it’s just not, like, “Oh..I’ll just get her earrings because (a) I can’t think of anything else and (b) I’m pretty sure she has ears.” I’m also okay if the jewelry she wants is a pearl necklace because I know you write about a lot of sex stuff so this answer seems to fit in with your modus operandi (which is Latin for ‘labia,’ FYI).
Samara: Thank you for letting men know that a vacuum cleaner is not a present. However, I DO believe that lawn equipment is a suitable gift for a man. Am I sexist? ‘Happy Father’s Day, now go do yard work!’
Rodney: There are probably guys out there who are, like, “OH MAN SHE GOT ME THE BEST WEED WHACKER FOR MY BIRTHDAY” but I am not one of those guys. I don’t enjoy yard work or cutting shit up or hunting Sasquatch so shit like that isn’t for me. I used to get power screwdrivers all the time as gifts. I currently own 37 power screwdrivers.
Samara: You write that men are powerless against the “bitten lip” technique. Any picture I’ve taken of myself biting my bottom lip makes me look like a stroke victim. What am I doing wrong?
Rodney: You’re supposed to bite the guy’s lip. Seriously, it’s like I have to tell you everything.
Samara: You tell the story of dating a girl in high school who was missing her pinky finger and you didn’t even notice.
Does Kerri have all 10 fingers? Are you SURE?
Rodney: I’m pretty sure Kerri has all ten fingers.
I’m mostly sure Kerri has all ten fingers.
Great. Now I have to go check. Sonofabitch.
Samara: You were getting a couples’ massage with Kerri, and you “farted away a boner.” That’s fascinating. For the sake of science, can you please elaborate?
Rodney: I’m 47. Erections at this point are hard to come by.
I’ll give you a moment with that one.
I also have adult ADD which means anything I’m focusing on like sex, maintaining a boner, maintaining a boner during sex, making a sandwich, the plot of any single episode of Game of Thrones, etc. can be gone in a flash if my attention is dragged elsewhere. So, for me, a fart completely deflating my manhood isn’t out of the question.
Also, “Deflating My Manhood” sounds like it would be a Kenny G single.
Ah. You’ve witnessed my ADD in action right there.
Samara: You and Kerri honeymooned in Vegas. That story had poop in it. Lots of poop, everywhere. Just wanted you know how disgusting that was.
Rodney: I LIVED IT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TELL ME HOW DISGUSTING IT WAS.
Omg thanks for fucking reminding me now I have to go shower OMG THE SHOWER HAD POOP IN IT TOO. I hate you right now so much, FYI.
Samara: Were you and Kerri in the Navy together?
Rodney: No, but [insert semen joke here].
Samara: The chapter where you are trying to make Kerri an elaborate gift spelling out the word “LOVE” and you’re exhausted after the first two letters, and decide to nickname her “LO” so you can just be done – that was one of my favorite parts. I thought I’d share that with my readers.
Rodney: Hey, Lo
Kerri: The hell?
Rodney: I’m going to call you “Lo” from now on because I like you on the down, Lo.
Kerri: No you won’t call me that at all.
Rodney: Sometimes I wish she’d just play the hell along to make my life easier. This was not one of those times, sadly. That actually would have been a good nickname, too.
“How about getting on the down Lo.” See? Works on several levels (two..it works on two levels).
Samara: Kerri made you an actual book for Valentine’s Day one year. Was that really necessary? I usually just gave my husband blow jobs. Pretty much for all occasions – his birthday, New Year’s Eve, Columbus Day, the Jewish holiday Tu B’Shevat…
Maybe that’s why we’re divorced? Wait, what?
Rodney: I think Kerri felt the need to try to keep up at that point, I think. That being said, she obviously puts up with a LOT of shit as you can well imagine so I never fault her for giving me ANOTHER POWER SCREWDRIVER JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Wait. Back to the blowjob comment. Are you suggesting you only saved them for holidays? THAT’S why you’re divorced. If I had to wait for a holiday for every BJ I’d be Googling “National Holidays” all the time.
“Hey honeeeeyy…did you know it’s National Drink Water Day?”
Story of my life.
Rodney loves to make jokes about how small his penis is, so he provided NO insight as to how to make your penis bigger. I searched it on Lady Google but MY GOD trust me, you don’t want me to share.
I really don’t know if he’s joking about his penis, since he’s one of the few men on the Internet who hasn’t sent me a dick pic.
You can buy Rodney’s books (and please do, so he doesn’t have to keep giving his wife handmade gifts) here:
Publisher’s Website (signed copies available from here) : http://www.rcgpublishing.com
Amazon Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Rodney-Lacroix/e/B00ANN9ZVE
Follow Rodney (don’t let life get in the way of social media):
Rodney Lacroix is just one of those guys. He’s one of those guys that make you say, “You know, I’m glad I’m not THAT guy.”
Rodney Lacroix lives in southern New Hampshire. He is the proud biological father of two amazing children and step-ological father of two stepamazing stepchildren.
He also likes to invent terms.
Rodney Lacroix has been writing about his misadventures for years. He’s done stand-up comedy, emceed charity events and has hung out with many celebrities. He is worshipped in most third-world countries and is known as “El Chupacabra.’ Perhaps you’ve heard of him.
Maybe you shouldn’t believe anything he says. DO read his books, though. He’s hysterical.
Do you know Rodney? Don’t you wish you did? Have you ever heard of farting away a boner?
Talk to me. I’m listening. If you buy me jewelry, that is.