Me and Nicolette, My Beautiful, Impossibly Bitchy Lesbian Girlfriend

July 18, 2014 — 157 Comments
08_boom_boom

I blame this play for EVERYTHING.

I met her in an acting class in New York city.

Do you know how many stories I could start like that? I met some of the most fascinating people of my life in acting classes.

In 1990’s NYC, I was studying acting with Betty Buckley. She was a “big deal;” you had to audition to be granted entrance to her class.

Betty Buckley won the Tony award for Cats. She was the original Grizabella, the shabby, decrepit old feline who plaintively meows her way through the song “Memories.”

She’s starred in a number of Broadway plays and a whole slew of movies. Before Cats, she spent several years portraying the stepmom in the television equivalent of swallowing ground glass, a banal series called “Eight is Enough.”

She was an amazing teacher but incredibly strange.

She began every class with a new-agey group guided meditation. You know, so the Solar Logos would take us on Astral Flight and we could all experience a Paradigm Shift. That.

Once, in the middle of it, she came up behind me and whispered, “I don’t know what you have going on with your mother. But if you’re going to be an actor, you’d better go into therapy and get in touch with it.”

I spent the next 5 years in psychotherapy. Thank you, Betty.

Nicolette distinguished herself from the rest of the class instantly, by the sheer scope of her physical beauty. She was stunning.

Her hair. I could write a whole post just about her hair. Her glossy chocolate brown hair spilled down beside her face, framing it perfectly. It was a curtain of brown silk.

She had enormous blue eyes, cupid bow pink lips,  and the golden proportion of perfect white teeth. Her body was cartoonish perfection with a tiny waist and oversized breasts.

Betty zeroed right in on her. She was known for having young female protegés who do all her errands, and take a lot of abuse from her. Nicolette quickly became her new handmaiden, which later irritated me to no end. She once sported a torn up lip where Betty’s insufferable bird bit her, while she tried to feed the feathery fucker.

Nicolette was so sweet. I couldn’t believe anyone THAT beautiful could be so sweet.

She wasn’t.

We were assigned to do a scene from “In the Boom Boom Room,” a renowned play about go go dancers in a sleazy night club.

Betty was relentless when it came to scene study. She demanded we bring in the same scenes repeatedly.

The scene Nicolette and I had been assigned took place in the dressing room, as one dancer, played by me, tries to seduce the new girl – played by Nicolette.

Because I was a method actor, I convinced Nicolette to perform the scene in our bra and panties. Method, schmethod. I wanted to see her in her underwear.

In the scene my character asks hers, “Have you ever made love to a woman?” I was so smitten with her I decided to grab her and lay a big old kiss on her. And because I wanted her reaction as real as the character’s – I didn’t tell her I was planning to do that

We rehearsed together all that first week, sans kiss. And then, we brought the scene to class.

When walked on stage in our underwear, mine jet black, hers, blood-red – there was a collective sharp intake of breath.

Actors are FREAKS. But still. Two nubile 20 somethings, in almost nothing? And Nicolette, with her breasts spouting all over the stage.

When I leaned in and kissed her, I thought her character would jump back in surprise.

Her character probably would have. Nicolette didn’t. So we just stood there, sucking serious face, for waaaay too long. Like, absurdly long. Like, “this isn’t even about the scene” long.

The kiss started from the neck up. A minute in, our bodies were pressing together.

And kept pressing…

“SCENE!”  Betty pussy blocked me and ended a kiss that tasted like dessert. Bitch.

And that’s how I found out Nicolette was a lesbian.

I felt like I had won the motherfucking LOTTERY.

The next time I went to her apartment to “rehearse” we did absolutely NO rehearsing.

How do women have lesbian sex? Ohh. I didn’t TELL you?

Must have been NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

We did rehearse, on subsequent visits. Betty the big dyke made us rehearse that scene for 2 months. Finally she could find no fault with us.
“What do you say, girls?” she asked. “Should we call it quits? Or do you think you want to bring in back in one more week?”

“No, Betty,” I answered. “I think Eight is Enough.”

I was besotted with Nicolette. She was the first ultra feminine, girly lesbian I’d ever known.

She was flowery mini dresses; I was a black leather skirt. She was brunch, I was “Is this breakfast? Lunch? Fuck you!” She wore her lustrous brown hair in a French braid. I dyed my hair to match hers but when I put it up it looked like a Hefty bag with a twist tie.

She was a talented dancer. I played drums in a punk band, without knowing how to play drums.

But vive la différence, right? We became a Thing.

Nicolette’s personality was no flowery dress. She was a BITCH. And not your Basic Bitch, either. A prize-ribbon wearing, Grade A, Queen Bee DIVA bitch.

She was completely self absorbed. If I was sick, she would whine about missing a pedicure to bring me soup. She was a half hour late for every thing, every time. With NO apologies. She constantly one-upped me. If I had a headache, she was dying of a brain tumor. She was rude and impatient with waiters and waitresses. If we were out to brunch God forbid she didn’t get a bread plate. She was programmed to receive attention, and expected all of mine.

We might have survived all of this – had it not been her refusal to accept I wasn’t a lesbian.

Lesbians invariably try to convert sexually ambiguous women. According to Nicolette, I was a full throttle lesbian in unequivocal denial.

Yeah, NO. I like penis too much to be a lesbian. Sorry. I wasn’t quite ready to drive a U Haul truck to Lilith Fair.

We ended our relationship amidst of storm of emotions, talked about it until my ears bled, and eventually parted friends.

Nicolette and I lost touch for the next 15 years. Maybe, I just didn’t want her to know I’d gotten married, moved to the suburbs, had a kid.

Maybe,  I didn’t want to know I’d done that.

A few years ago, she found me on the Book of Face (where else?) and eventually we made plans to get together.

We had dinner in Manhattan. Nicolette was still beautiful. Maybe more so? And BITCHIER, if that’s even possible.

She was now running an ultra trendy club which cuts a wide swath in the currency of bitchiness.

After dinner we went to a club to scout some acts she was thinking of featuring.

We ended up on the dance floor, because some things never change. Neither of us can be in a place with a dance floor and not dance. There was also alcohol involved. Many of my bad decisions have been alcohol-fueled.

“When I’m Small” by Phantogram came on.

Oh, C’MON! That song sounds like the soundtrack to two women grinding on a dance floor together, kissing passionately.

I am NOT suggesting that happened. Her list of neuroses make me look like a stable, calm individual. And that’s scary.

So, she’s in my life again, this lesbian She-Devil. Demanding, critical, self-centered, spoiled.

Gorgeous. Charismatic. Brilliant. Effervescent. And those breasts…

I’ve tried to end this post for a few days now. I can’t. I just realized…it’s because, the story hasn’t ended. 

“I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream. You’d be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavors.”
~ Bjork

“I’d rather die, than to be with you…”
Perfect lyrics. She’ll eat my soul, this woman. Who, incidentally, looked exactly like the woman in this video when I first met her.

Have you ever had a friend who was impossibly bitchy? Do gorgeous people get away with that easier?
Can someone like women and not be a lesbian? 
Talk to me.  I’m listening. 

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157 responses to Me and Nicolette, My Beautiful, Impossibly Bitchy Lesbian Girlfriend

  1. 

    WOW. I may be having a blogasm in anticipation of what happens next 🙂

    I love actors. I was one for a while, then a stage manager, but eventually I get tired of the drama (literally) and self-absorption and narcissism. Good luck to you!

    • 

      Actors are naturally drawn to that field precisely for those very qualities.

      For me, it was about receiving love and attention on a large scale. I have a huge “God hole” of needing attention that never quite gets filled. It’s childhood stuff, so it likely never will…

      • 

        I totally understand that need…I didn’t have the same “god hole” and was too practical anyway, and decided while I might be a decent actor, I knew I was an excellent Stage Manager…so made the switch before I had a lifetime of struggle. But there was nothing like being on stage. The presentations I sometimes do to big crowds are as close as I get now.

      • 

        Practicality was never my strong suit. Hi, I’m Samara, have you read my blog?!

      • 

        Lol. Ever since I started blogging, my dear!

    • 

      I was one for a while…

      I saw that one coming a mile away.

  2. 

    “Can someone like women an not be a lesbian?”
    Men get away with that all the time. 🙂

    • 

      X, you smart ass! That’s NOT what I meant, and you know it!
      I feel like I never run into you anymore. I hope you’re having an amazing summer.

      • 

        I know that’s not what you meant, but I don’t do correct and reasoned responses on WP if I can help it :). I have my job for that.
        I’m out there somewhere, don’t worry.
        How’s your summer? I guess busy, but I saw you got FP’d on Sisterwives, so it can’t be that bad. 🙂

      • 

        This doesn’t even feel like summer. Is it summer? Do bloggers have seasons? The temperature is always the same at my laptop…

        I realized the question was worded poorly. “Can you like women and not be a lesbian” should be “can a WOMAN like women etc”

      • 

        Aha! Now that the question has been worded in a more straight-forward way, I have no choice but to give you a straight answer: aesthetically admiring a female (or male, from my perspective) body doesn’t make you a lesbian (or gay), but wanting to have sex with the owner of said body does. (At least for the time you’re thinking or doing it).
        And yes, it is definitely summer. I even went on a summer vacation to the beach this week, except it was too chilly to actually go to the beach. Still, that’s definitely summer, because here the beach is simply out of the question in all three other seasons.

  3. 

    Labels are tricky. They have some many different facets. How you label yourself and what you think it means. How society labels you and what they think it means. Absolutely you can like women and not be a lesbian, but that’s just my opinion, and there will be others out there who disagree with me.
    Fantastic storytelling, as always. And a great realization that the story has not yet ended. I wonder where this one will lead? Shenanigans await!

    • 

      Well, in truth the story sort of has ended. She’s too much trouble! Now I know what I’m like to deal with- only times a million. I mean, I can see how women can really be a slippery slope.

      This club she runs- they have themed parties. And she wants me to come next Saturday, because my kid’s away. But you have to get really dressed up- almost in costume. No, TOTALLY in costume. And if I don’t dress like that, THEY WON’T LET ME IN.

      It’s like a 1930s speakeasy. I don’t WANT to put on a costume. And she’s already having a hissy.

      So, ix-nay on the Shenanigans.

      And yes, I hate labels. If you read my bio on the Sisterwives, I’m a mass of contradictions. I don’t fit.

      You’re like that, too. That’s why we click. Right from the beginning, we knew that about each other.

      • 

        Click, click, click. 😉

        Oh come on! Going to a speakeasy sounds like a blast! I’d dress up in my zoot suit. The Queen would put on a flapper dress. And there would be dancing. Lots of dancing.

        Definitely understand wanting to avoid extra shenanigans though. I mean, we arleady have enough in our lives for several lifetimes. We don’t need to add to that.

        So, the story has an end. And that’s perfectly fine too. It’s a good ending. A “hey, I remember you from when, and, yep, there was a reason we went our separate ways” ending. Nostlagia, growth, and understanding all rolled into one. Brilliant, actually.

      • 

        See? You OWN such clothing. I really have nothing. I would literally have to rent something from a costume shop.
        I’m going to email you the link to her parties, because the pictures would blow your mind.

        Dancing? You ain’t kidding! And all sorts of surreal entertainment. And people dress so elaborately- the pictures look like they from decades ago. I give her a lot of credit for making this happen. It’s a glamorous, wild, decadent drunken escape from real life for a night.

        I’m going to call a costume shop tomorrow. What am I, crazy? I HAVE to go!

      • 

        Check eBay and craigslist. That’s where the Queen found her flapper dress. She needed it for a work event. (Arthur Murray speakeasy themed event when she worked at the studio.) And you might be able to pick up one for a bit cheaper than if you find one at a costume shop or speciality shop.

        And, it’s because of those parties that I doubt the pictures from the club would blow my mind all that much. But, send them on anyway. I could still be surprised.

        “It’s a glamorous, wild, decadent drunken escape from real life for a night. ” – I have to comment on this. In the Arthur Murray world the glamorous, wild, decadent drunkent dancing WAS real life. 😛

      • 

        My girlfriend was part owner of an Arthur Murray dance studio, and I concur. Those people were CRAZY. I never saw any of them sober.

      • 

        What?!?! Seriously? How crazy is that. It is a small world after all. I wonder if the Queen knows her… It’s such a small community they all tend to know each other, especially since the Queen was managing a studio out here (and was doing most of the duties of the franchisee for a long time.)
        And, yes, they are crazy. All of them. Unequivocally.

      • 

        Would she know someone who co-owned a studio in Red Bank, NJ?
        She actually married one of the dancers, a (seriously) world-renowned ballroom dancer. They got divorced because he (surprise, surprise) cheated on her.

      • 

        She might… Maybe not on a pick up the phone and give them a call basis, but she would at least know the name, and might even know them by sight.
        I’ll ask her tonight if she knows the owners of the RB, NJ studio and let you know what she says.
        Scandals are part of the business…

  4. 
    NotAPunkRocker July 18, 2014 at 6:34 pm

    What DJ said. And, I think gorgeous to beautiful people really can get away with a lot that some of us never could begin to.

    • 

      Right? How messed up is that?

      I hate to admit this. But if she wasn’t beautiful I’m not sure I would have tolerated her behavior.

      That makes me really shallow, doesn’t it?

  5. 

    I never had an impossibly bitchy friend. Mostly because I knew a lot of impossibly bitchy people and never aspired to be friends with any of them. I pick my friends carefully now, and I try to surround myself with good, positive people.

    I think probably the bitchiest person (who’s not at all bitchy – she’s just hilarious and a bit edgy) I know is my pilates teacher. She’s everything you’d think a pilates teacher would be, but she’s funny and smart and nice with it. And every so often (every five minutes) incredibly snarky. She’s awesome, but I don’t think I’d have the stamina to be friends with someone like that 🙂

    Great storytelling, Precious, and never let it be said you don’t write sexy 🙂

    • 

      She disguised herself as a very sweet person, so I was already friends with her when she revealed herself as the She-Devil that she is. And yes – there was a reason I stayed away from her for 15 years. Perhaps some things are better left alone…

      • 

        That certainly makes it more complicated. She-Devil sounds like a person who would definitely complicate your life aaaaaand perhaps you’re right…

  6. 

    Is it weird I got a little hot and bothered by this? *ahem**

    I think it’s entirely possible to like women and not be a lesbian. I think women are fucking gorgeous (some of them anyway) but I prefer men. Have I kissed another woman? Heh. Guilty as charged. And I’ll even admit to enjoying it.

    As for bitchy friends, well, I have zero tolerance for them so I avoid them. On occasion I AM that bitchy friend but I’m nowhere near that bad. At least I don’t think so. Some friends might argue otherwise.

  7. 

    I’m so laughing at the actor’s scene and the mediation. You know I danced and it reminded me a lot of the wacky stuff I experienced. And you told Betty “Eight is enough.” Ha ha. Is that you in the photo! You’re looking at the boobs, right? Yowza! I think women can definitely be attracted to each other, because you know, we’re so beautiful and all. 🙂

    • 

      We ARE beautiful, and it’s easy to be tempted, even if you don’t normally like women. And yes, I absolutely did tell Betty “eight is enough.” I got a huge laugh for that one.

      That is not me in the photo. I didn’t even realize until you pointed it out that one of the women is staring at the other’s boobs! And yes – those wacky artsy scenes are too much, right? Jeez. I just came there to act, not to pray to your God. hahahaha

  8. 

    I utterly despise people who, wait, WordPress people fuck around a lot?? Wait, I utterly despise people who are rude to service industry workers, especially servers, amazing breasts and chocolate hair or not.

    • 

      Oh, dear lord, she literally threw a fit one time because she didn’t have a “bread plate.” I’m no Neanderthal, but I didn’t even know back then what a “bread plate” was.

      Lets just say that I get approached by a lot of people on WordPress. Which leads me to believe that they get some action elsewhere. I could be wrong. It’s just speculation…

  9. 

    Oh, I think gorgeous people get away with MUCH more. Especially if they grew up gorgeous, were always gorgeous, never suffered from awkwardness or big teeth or bad hair… um… anyways, those people kind of annoy me.

    And I absolutely think someone can like women and not be a lesbian. One of my best friends was in a serious relationship with a girl for a few years, but she always loved men and ended up marrying a man. But, that girl she was with, she was probably the love of her life. Still, if you ever heard my friend rhapsodize about penises the way she used to after a hot night with a guy, you’d never be able to call her a lesbian. (And I’m so proper I call them penises instead of dicks. Now I’m blushing.)

    But seriously, “drive a UHaul truck to Lilith Fair”??? Oh my god, you kill me! Laughed out loud and almost choked on my Velveeta Shells and Cheese. Except it’s Velveeta Shells and Cheese and impossible to choke on…

  10. 

    I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian…

  11. 

    Ohh. I didn’t TELL you?

    I know that’s a semi-rhetorical question to your reading audience in general, but, I think you did. Even if you didn’t describe things in detail. My experiences have been such that, it’s not necessary.

    Can someone like women and not be a lesbian?

    It’s called MOTHERFUCKING bisexuality. Damn, I swear, that is one of the things that actually pisses me off to no end. Society assuming people MUST be either 100% straight or 100% gay and anyone in between is suspect. It doesn’t help that some use the term “bisexual” before they decide “gay” is more honest and I don’t give a flying shit about what Dan Savage had to say on the subject– he can go film a porno of him fucking himself as far as I’m concerned.

    Oh, not to mention the stereotypes that bisexuals are all promiscuous. Har har.

    (I don’t much like the label, but saying ‘I’m not straight, nor gay’ is too wordy sometimes. I don’t think Cimmy much likes it either, for similar reasons, although, as I said, she’s in much the same circumstances.)

    And women tend to be a little more fluid about their sexuality than men do, so, y’know, seriously?

    This bums me out about as much as the time I found some strange webcomic about how to stimulate the female genitals– must have been aimed at a man-phobic audience or something because the sidekick character was some Panesque-goat-looking dude with no genitals whatsoever. (Still portrayed more or less naked.) Mmmhmmm, shurrrrr.

    • 

      p.s. I’m not grumpy at you, dear Samara, if it wasn’t clear… I’m just very grumpy with society’s attitudes about sexual orientation. They continue to be silly even among the more self-professed “enlightened”.

    • 

      Hey, Jak.
      So, I’m aware of bisexuality. I just don’t like that label, because it implies an ongoing, conscious choice. I really just like who I like. Usually it’s men. Very occasionally, it’s been a woman. I don’t know if that qualifies as “bisexual” but I have no problem with that term.

      • 

        This was part of what I had been reading about orientation being a little more fluid for women. Oh, and observations I made talking about this with other women. I think you’re in good company– from what I read, and what women told me, they found the labels constricting. Especially as circumstances changed over time, as you said. Maybe the physical connection was there, but not the emotional. Or the other way around.

        I’m not sure if I can say it’s different for men by comparison– in my experience, I don’t think it’s that much of a difference. I can only speak for me, of course. I generally did not want an emotional connection to men. I just wanted to take what I wanted physically, and be done.

  12. 

    When I think you can’t get any more compelling, you get more compelling.

    I don’t know if I want to know how this story ends…just that it’s happening now is enough. thanks for making my Friday evening more interesting. You’re amazing!

    • 

      I love that you find me compelling! It’s quite mutual.

      This story is OVER. I hope. Otherwise I will be crying drunkenly to you later this summer…

  13. 

    Samara, I think this may be the first time I’ve poked into your world and I must say I am now addicted to hearing what you speak! I must say that only a couple of my lovers have crossed over into the ‘lipstick girly girl’ category but they can be divas for sure. Good luck sister! You’re gonna need it with this one..can’t wait to hear a follow up blog on this scoop!

    • 

      Oh my dear Lord, she is the ultimate prissy girly girl. Is it wrong for me to say that’s why it didn’t occur to me at first that she was a lesbian?

      I don’t know if I can follow up. She’s so much work. If I’m not committed to someone, I don’t know that I want to turn myself inside out making them happy!

      Thank you so much for visiting my blog, for reading and commenting. I love new friends!

  14. 

    Yes and we were obsessed with each other to the point of destruction and self destruction.

  15. 

    The sexier the girl, the crazier she is. That is one of the few things I know be true. Notice I said “sexier” and not “prettier.” With a pretty girl you can be the boss, mostly, with a sexy girl you become a slave, a prisoner, and do so happily because the sex is other wordly. Until the day it explodes, and it always explodes, and the spell is lifted and you become yourself again.

  16. 

    I could copy and paste so many other comments from here!!
    I feel sort of at a loss, I shouldn’t have read anyone else’s. Let’s just say I agree with everyone! Jak, and Gretchen, and kim, and Lizzi in particular. Oh and Michelle. Oh and……GAH I’ll stop now.

    Love every word of this, SW. You’re so layered and dynamic. MUAH xoxo

    And, have I ever dabbled in the lady pool? Hmmmmm. I’ll give you 3 guesses. 🙂

  17. 

    That’s quite the story, señorita. I think people are much more open these days to exploring and admitting to it. There is a “it’s no big deal” kind of attitude among youth.

    My sister took acting lessons in Manhattan and I went to one of her classes once as a guest. I was petrified that the teacher would ask me to do something so I hid in the back and never made eye contact with him. 🙂 There was definitely a lot of “drama” in that group and I don’t mean the kind they teach.

    I have yet to dabble, but Mr. B would not be opposed to it as long as he’s there. 🙂

    • 

      I have yet to dabble, but Mr. B would not be opposed to it as long as he’s there.

      Mmmm… I can’t really go into it but I would be very careful about that if you actually entertain that possibility.

      Cimmy and I used to ogle the same people- beefcake or cheesecake walking by. Now it’s more we warn each other when to put the blinders on. Oh, the stories I could tell about pool side stuff… Samara’s read one but I have more, more, more. And at a “family” gym, too. And a few involve my son being “too cute”… ay ay ay. Can’t be a “player” a la playa, nope nope.

    • 

      Actors are the most neurotic and crazy people you’ll ever meet.
      Aside from bloggers…

      From the other comments made here, I think it’s been decided that I’m a “dabbler.” That’s the word that was used. Dabble. I can live with that!

  18. 

    I did think of experimenting in college; I even zeroed in on a girl who I felt I could have sex with (mainly because she had short hair and sported a mustache), but in the end, I too like penis too much to be anything but fully heterosexual! 😀

  19. 

    My best friend was lesbian. It was the time, when non-standard sexual preferences were hiddden, humiliating or shamed. She was my friend few years before revealed the secret. Yes, we slept together many nights before and after. She was My Friend, and it’s asexual or non sexual for my. Spooning with with my Friends does not make me lesbian, gay or … Feelings can do. If you are sexually attracted to the person, who cares what gender that person is… I don’t care. But never had that kind of attraction. Still waiting for it and the right person;))

    • 

      I love spooning. But spooning can lead to forking…

      Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and comment. I love making new blog friends. Welcome!

  20. 

    I love that quote by Bjork. And I was thinking what Jaklumen was saying above… People have told me that bisexuality doesn’t exist, and shit like that. To me it’s the best of both worlds.

    Excited to hear what will happen with this one…

    • 

      Nadia! I’m always so happy when I see you!
      And somehow, I picture you loving Bjork. Am I right?

      I don’t know that anything can happen. I’m too old for these sorts of shenanigans. This drama is for 20-somethings.

  21. 

    Awesome story, dude.

    Horny people definitely get away with stuff that a shaven headed Nazi like myself couldn’t get away with, mostly because everyone wants to shag them… and as everyone knows, if you let girls get away with things they might let you see them naked as a reward.

    I reckon sexuality is more of a sliding scale than a bland pigeon-holing thing.

    • 

      Wait, I never said anything about “horny” people. This was about gorgeous people.
      Are you really a Nazi? God, I hope not. You never know, on WordPress.

      Yes. Sliding scale sounds about right. You just have to be careful what scales you slide into…

      • 

        Sorry, ‘horny’ was an old slang term around my manor for gorgeous people!

        It first came about after someone in my scout troop came up with the nickname ‘Horny Shauni’ when talking about Erika Eleniak in Baywatch.

        I’m only a pretend Nazi, it’s useful for deterring old people from talking to me at the bus stop.

      • 

        Old people glom onto me like crazy. I think I must have a sympathetic face or something. But I quite like them.

        Okay, so “horny” equals gorgeous. Gotcha!

  22. 

    Yes, you can be bisexual no?

    • 

      Yes. Although I don’t like labels. Only because I just like who I like. Usually it’s men. Very rarely is it a woman. So, I don’t know if I qualify?

      • 

        Well I’m certainly not judging! There’s nothing wrong with liking women. I’m also guilty! 😀
        I just like to appreciate beauty. And boobs!

  23. 

    I just got lady wood. I can’t even comment.

  24. 

    I did that same scene in acting class once. No lesby action though. I think every acting teacher has that scene in their files. Maybe Betty just wanted to watch some live porn…

    • 

      Right? I think it’s been banned from acting classes these days.
      There’s a list now of “Monologues You Should Never Do Because Everyone Is Sick Of Looking At Them”-

      Those are all the ones I used in every audition I ever went to. Was that why I never made it as an actress?

      Or maybe it was all the stuff I refused to do in casting offices. Give me another chance! I’ll DO IT NOW, i SWEAR I WILL! hahahaha

      • 

        Monologues are torture. Do I look at the casting director? Do I look at the wall? Will I be able to cry this time? Arrrrrrgh! Better than a cold read though. Damn, I don’t miss those days…

      • 

        I could always cry.
        I just thought of the college boyfriends I didn’t marry who went on to become zillionaires, and I cried.

  25. 

    One word: Kyat.

    Also, I’m suspicious of chicks who vehemently deny ever, at the very least, thinking about it. I call bullshit on that. Or maybe I’m just too horny for my own good.

  26. 

    Did you go to HB Studios?

    I will state it here and now and shout it out loud and proud. I love actresses. I chased them with a hot fever. They’re crazy and smart and needy and fun. They’re NOT BORING. I fell pretty hard for one. She got sick of the auditioning meat grinder and went back to Omaha. Took my heart with her and hasn’t had the courtesy of returning it yet. Seriously, if I bumped into her on 6th Avenue I’d toss my life as I currently know it right out the fucking window.

    Many (MANY) years ago, a friend of mine, a guitarist, went on a few dates with Mary Louise Parker. She wasn’t Mary Louise Parker yet. I was jealous because she’s my type: girl-next-door actress. He stopped seeing her because he thought she was getting a little “clingy.” Flash forward. Now, she’s Mary Louise Parker and he’s nobody.

    Thank you Betty sarcastically or thank you for real? I can’t tell.

    I surprised an actress with a big old kiss and she punched me in the belly.

    Gay men constantly tried to tell me that I was gay and just didn’t know it. Believe me, if I had been curious I’d have experimented. But it just wasn’t in me. I like girls. Girls are feline/fine.

    Off topic: We’re all out of Ramones. They’re all gone now. Can you believe The Rolling Stones outlived those guys?

    • 

      I studied at HB with Michael Beckett and Austin Pendleton. Two completely insane motherfuckers.

      I studied with Betty at a place called T. Schreiber Studio. I took acting classes everywhere.

      I studied Meisner technique at Neighborhood Playhouse (Sandy Meisner was gone). I studied at the William Esper studio. I studied with the Riverside Shakespeare Company. I played Emilia in their production of Othello.

      I was good. I just didn’t have the thick skin and single-minded devotion you need to make it. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that acting skills were an enormous part of why I was a strong spoken word artist.

      Would you REALLY drop everything for that woman from Omaha? That is powerful. Have you written about her?

      Yes, I was being sarcastic about Betty! Maybe ignorance IS bliss.

      Mary Louise Parker worked out where I did, and I was always surprised at how girl next door, almost ordinary, she looked. Because I think she just SMOLDERS onscreen. Like in Weeds? She also has great stage presence. That girl has chops…

      Off topic: I was so so sad when I found out about Tommy. It truly feels like the end of an era.

      • 

        Pendelton is still around. Actually, I think he might have done something for the Fringe Festival this summer. I might be mistaken. I had actor friends who told me he was a visionary but really odd. Didn’t take care of his personal hygiene and things like that.

        Man, you studied everywhere! All the places I’ve heard of an saw advertised in The Voice when The Voice was a big deal. I think I might have even taken a class at HB. Everyone does.

        Mary Louise Parker and Marissa Tomei are my pretend girlfriends. They are constantly fighting over me. It’s tiring sometimes but I don’t want to hurt either one so I allow it. I’ve seen MLP a few times on stage. Each time, it took all my strength to keep from walking up on stage in the middle of the performance and tell her that we were meant to be.

      • 

        Yes, *sigh* it must be SO difficult to be on the middle of a cat fight between those two. You poor baby.

  27. 

    You can definitely dabble and not be a lesbian. I never had a lesbian girlfriend, but I had many “encounters,” usually in a haze of drugs/alcohol, but that doesn’t make them any less valid. For me, it was always on a case by case basis with women, whereas with men, there were a lot more cases.

    • 

      I guess I’m a “dabbler.”

      Drugs and alcohol don’t make anything less valid. If they did, I’d have to discount the entire 90’s.

  28. 

    I have 5 sisters. And they are all gorgeous (I got my father’s looks, unfortunately) and they are all bitches. Even my little sister who I love and will freely admit is my favorite. The prettier they are, they bitchier they are.

    And I like women, but don’t even remotely think I am a lesbian. But then, I’ve never actually had sex with a woman. It’s all theory still at this point.

    • 

      Theoretically liking women is probably less of a pain in the knish than actually liking them.
      Women are EVIL. Difficult to understand. The minute I like a man I start acting like my own evil twin. What IS that? (besides textbook sabotaging?)

      • 

        If I dated a woman, she’d have to be like me. So I guess emotionally distant and logical. But then, I tend to date emotionally insecure men that use sex as a bargaining chip, so I feel like I know how it feels to date most women. Or am I just being sexist?

        My first make outs were with a girl when I was 8. But I’ve never done anything beyond that. I’ve asked women out but they all are either not into me or already have a gf. I am pretty sure I prefer men or I would have tried harder to make it happen with a woman.

      • 

        Men use sex as a bargaining chip? What the hell? Okay, that one you need to elaborate on.

        Yes, my first make outs were with girls, too. We were “practicing.” I think a lot of girls do that? It’s either another girl, or the wet corner of your pillow case, and that’s no fun!

      • 

        I have mostly male friends and every single thing that they say their girlfriends do; my boyfriends have all done too. For example, I had one bf that would pick fights with me on special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries, etc) to avoid having sex with me. We only even did it on special occasions (his choice not mine). He told me I was a “nymphomaniac that could never be satisfied”. And I told him I was the most frustrated nympho in the world, then. We dated three and a half years and went 9 months without sex, twice. 18 months total. He was the worst.

        But other men do it too. Like, they would only do it with me if I agreed to do something I didn’t want to do (like play video games or go to a theme park). For a while it made me think I was awful in bed. But now I am pretty sure I just have awful taste in men and they used whatever tool they could to manipulate me. And sex is a big deal for me. So now I just have sex with myself instead of trying to get it out of some guy. (By the way, my sister has this same issue with the men she dates but she also has terrible taste in men).

      • 

        Okay, the day I have to spend the day in a theme park to get laid FUCKING SHOOT ME. Just SHOOT ME DEAD.

  29. 

    I have had relatives who are bitchy… I wouldn’t actually be friends with anyone like that. Life is too short… and too all about me… HA!

  30. 

    Lesbians non lesbians are the best lesbians.

  31. 

    “Must have been NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.” Loved that line. But seriously. How do they..?

    Nice to see you posting back on here. Though I have been MIA for a while so maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.

    • 

      You’re right, I don’t post as much as I used to! Maybe every 10 days? I have the other blog, and a lot of other stuff going on.

      But it’s awesome to see you here! I owe you an email. And I can buy the old fashioned non-electronic version of your book, right?

      HEY EVERYONE! SEAN SMITHSON WROTE A BOOK AND ITS ON AMAZON AND ITUNES AND YOU SHOULD ALL BUY IT! It’s called “How to Lose A Woman in 10 Ways”!

      Love you, Sean!

      • 

        Ha. Thank you for the shout-out, my dear. I must admit, I really am looking forward to part 2 (3, 4, etc.) of this story… And am sooo bummed you didn’t hook up on the dance floor!

        No worries about the email; I know you’re busy. But if you are interested in the paperback, The Book Depository currently have 28% off and they do free shipping to the US.

        http://www.bookdepository.com/How-Lose-Girl-10-Ways-Sean-Smithson/9781783063857?selectCurrency=USD

        Feel free not to approve this comment (or the last part) by the way. I just wanted to let you know and this was quicker than emailing x

      • 

        Of COURSE I’m going to approve this comment. My blog is the perfect place to pimp your book!

        I never said we didn’t hook up on the dance floor. I didn’t say either way. I don’t kiss and tell, unless it happened 20 years ago…

  32. 

    Ummm. I will be in New York soon staying on the 38th floor at The Standard Hotel. Bring your friend. Also, so you dated Prince? lol

  33. 

    I think one can like women without being a lesbian. There’s a difference between physical and emotional attraction!

    Like right now, I want to make out with you because you like Phantogram!!!!! Holy fuck, I saw them in December. One of my favorite bands ever. I specifically told the DJ at my wedding that he better play Phantogram, damnit. I had to look up the songs for him. Every time they came on, everyone cleared the dance floor except for me and my best friend. Oh well!!!!!!!

  34. 

    Please delete the previous comment – it didn’t all come through. Thanks

    I really don’t think this discussion is about labels – although there seems to be an inordinate amount of verbiage addressing that topic. My personal experience is that human sexuality is on a continuum – male at one end and female at the other. Most people fall somehere in between in terms of sexuality – irrespective of genitalia.Both extreme ends are bad news. It requires a certain amount each gender in each person to allow understanding and empathy for the other gender. Our reality is, in fact only undersatndable from a mixture of the two perspectives.The extreme thought processes at either end are too disparate to allow even the slightest ability to form lasting relationships – and hence are evolutionarily negative. Testosterone driven males who cannot see or understand anything related to females or the female perspecive, tend to be violent and abusive and too untenably agressive to live in society. On the other end – females who are totally dependent and have empathy for all and cannot even defend themslves in conversation, are equally not evolutionarily viable. The vast majority of us are a combination of both – I’d likely set myself as 90% male and 10% female. I classify myself as heterosexual and yet I had one experience (in 50+ years)where I am sure i could have formed a realtionship with a particular male.The situation did not allow it (we were both long-haul truckers and lived on opposite sides of the continent). Because of socialization, I feel shame at that tendency, and yet in a way I am proud because it clearly says that I have the ability to see both sides, an important factor in understanding life.

    So, honestly Samara, Nicolette has obviously affected you that way – you are attracted to her as an individual (by that I mean not as one of a group – i.e. a gender). In my experience that is not only not unusual as a one off, but also clearly shows that your personal emotional make-up is healthy – you can see both sides represented by the continuum. Perhaps you are the mirror of me – 90% female and 10% male. From your description, Nicolette obviously falls to the female side of your position on the continuum – possibly so far that her behaviour is not long-term viable Using this paradigm to understand sexuality makes the labelling process we so dearly love, obviously so faulty as to often be meaningless. If labels are necesary, I would easily say that because you prefer males as a group, and some females only on a one off basis, your are solidly heterosexual female. This paradigm for understanding sexuality also makes easy work of understanding homosexuality – for instance people with male genitalia who fall towards the female end of the continuum – i.e prefer sex with people with penises as a group – are labelled homosexual. It is pretty simple, but requires a more complex understanding than simple labels.

    As a closing funny, concerning the ridiculousness and personal meaning of labels, I have a story. I once supervised a trucker – John – who was huge. he was about 6’7″ (I looked way up at him and I am 6’3″) and about 400 pounds. Not a lot of that weight was fat. And he was a teddy bear. He had bright red hair and a red beard and was always jolly. I only ever saw him angry once and it wasn’t pretty and took a lot more than it would take to get me angry. Almost like he had been given this positive attitude so he wouldn’t use his enormous body for destruction. Yet he had been in the military in special forces and likely knew more ways to kill a man than I had pairs of socks. Anyway John was very secure in his sexuality and once wore a pink Tutu to a company Halloween party – the pictures of which still grace the walls in the shipping dept. One day he had a very early delivery in a very rough neighborhood and decided to go down the night before and park in the store’s unloading area to sleep. That wasn’t a problem as this particular store had serious security inculding large fences and armed guards – bad place. So, John arrived, secured his truck and decided to go have a beer at a local watering hole.Not knowing the area very well, he just walked down the street and entered the first bar he came to. He ordered his beer at the counter, sat down and started to look around. All the couples were same sex and were watching him with vaying degrees of interest. Not being a slow person he realized this was a gay bar, which didn’t fizzle him at all. In fact, he moved over and sat on a stool beside two women who were talking. He said; “Are you lesbians?” (John always said whatever he was thinking – God bless his soul). He was so cheerful that he was disarming and the women answered; “Yes, we are.” So John continued: “When you’re a lesbian does that mean you like women?” And the women replied; “Yes”. At which point John stood up and shouted with joy: “That means I’m a lesbian, too!”

    That story became famous in the neighborhood and some of the bar patrons even took the time to tell it to the store manager who relayed it back to us. When questioned, John’s version matched the local version – so it seemed to be based in fact. The point being that the labels are meaningless, they are a clumsy attempt to make a spectrum of colors into black and white. That misinterpretation creates all sorts of grief and embarassment and feelings of insecurity and shame. It shouldn’t.

    So, the only question Samara is whether you are interested in participating in Nicolette’s life and whether you want to be a part of her daily “normal” – not whether you are lesbian or heterosexual or bisexual. All those terms are irrelevant to the discussion and do not represent the reality of human sexuality.

    • 

      Paul, this is such an in-depth comment I read it twice. I don’t know if you’ve done research into this, but your evaluation of the male/female continuum is spot on.

      I’d probably say I had more than 10% male in me, though. I have a lot of male energy, and was raised the only girl with 5 brothers.

      By the way, is John single? He sounds fun. 🙂

      • 

        You and John would get along like two peas in a pod Samara. Unfortunately, he has a family and then some. John is so big hearted, he and his wife have adopted a number of children, mostly teens who had no parents and were giving the system problems. John has two of his own teens plus about 4 adopted, He and his brood live on a farm outside the city where the boundless energy of his children can be spent without being destrucutive. They four-wheel, canoe, feed the livestock, hike, go to town in pairs to stay out of trouble. I don’t know for sure but I suspect John had rambunctious teen years himself – which makes him a perfect father for this crew. I once met one of John’s friends from his early life who told some funny stories about John growing up. The best was the day John got really upset and refusing to harm anyone, took out his anger on a fire hydrant. Apparently, according to the story, he actually managed to break the fire hydrant completely off. It was hilarious to see him in a tutu.

  35. 

    I would give anything for a day with my Nicolette. But just one, because like yours, she’s a raging bitch. And oh so beautiful.

  36. 

    —-Samara,

    I didn’t know you had your own blog besides SISTERWIVES.

    Holy Shit.

    I must subscribe.

    I find you absolutely fascinating. Great writing. Interesting as hell. A change from some of the boring blogs out there, man.

    Tell me who the actor was!!!!!!!!!! tell me tell me

    xx

  37. 

    The first time I kissed a woman, I remember thinking how small her mouth was under mine. I thought I was going to devour her. It was kind of fun, feeling like the powerful one.

    I think it just got hotter in my office…

  38. 

    I’ve been missing you, Samara. And this rekindling here with the model, well, don’t take too much of her bitchiness shit, my friend, you don’t need it. Just saying. I hope you are well.

  39. 

    Well she seems like a beautiful pain in your ass! But I can see why you had fun with her haha. I think it’s totally possible to like a girl and not be a lesbian. Especially when choir robes and liquor are involved.

  40. 

    Bisexual. Like me.

    I like woman, but i also like men. More specifically, my man. His abs are like a gift from the Gods. Yummy yummy.

  41. 
    wordtotheweirdblog June 12, 2016 at 5:26 am

    God, I hate myself for finding your blog so late. This is incredibly well told but also hilarious because my name is Nicollette and it is very rare to see my name around …I am damn near straight the opposite of the lady you describe, though. Thank you for your wonderful humor and your incredible life stories.

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