My Son, The Cock Blocker

 

My son has a standard line he uses whenever he thinks a man is flirting with me.

“You know that’s my MOM, right?”

It’s because the man in question is often twenty years younger than me. Trust me –  I look every bit my age (which is between 35 and none of your business). And I’m no hot piece of suburban ass. I look like an aging rock star who drank too much tequila and passed out tailgating in the parking lot at Bamboozle. Men are just horny bastards, and they flirt.

Also, MILF porn, featuring 20-something man/boys banging much older, sex crazed, know how to give a great blow jay experienced women in their sexual prime has inundated the Interwebz. So, very hopeful, 23-year-old man/boys flirt with women in their (okay, okay) forties.

Yesterday, I took my son and his friends to the movies so I could catch up on my sleep. Snacks are of the utmost importance at a movie. And boys going on 11 can EAT. We got there just in time to watch the previews, which they really wanted to see. So after they were seated, I made my way to the concessions.

I got my order of enough disgusting junk food to collectively hijack all our brain’s biochemistry by intense dopamine release. But it became apparent, that even doing my best impersonation of a pack mule, I would have to make 2 trips to bring food to the Little Princes who were seated in those comfy reclining seats. The young man who was assembling my order had been flirtatious with me the entire time he waited on me. He looked like he was 22, at best. Now, I have no intention of dating, much less sleeping with, a boy half my age. Why?

Because 23-year-old man/boys need this:

And ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

But flirting is FUN. I’m a huge flirt. Not just with men. I flirt with women, babies, doggys, grandmothers. My Ex used to say I would flirt with a piece of wood. It’s harmless.

This young man now fell all over himself to help me carry the snacks. He texted his manager to get special permission to leave the concession stand so he could walk me to my seat. (see why flirting is a GOOD thing?)

On the way out of the movie, he found me. He was just getting off of work and he fell instep alongside us as we made our way out of the movie. He asked me if I lived in the area, and did I come to that theatre regularly?
Before I could answer, Little Dude gave his clarion call.

You know she’s my MOM, right?”

After I kicked him in the throat glared at him, the young man said,”Well, heh heh, I assumed she wasn’t buying snacks for a group of random kids, yes. But, hey. Nice to meet you. I’m D—-.”

My son interrupted. “What are you, in college or something? She’s a MOM.  She’s too OLD for you. ”

This is what he does.

All. The. Time.

I recently posted on Facebook that I was in a specialty grocery store with my son, because I’m an idiot who continues to feed him, despite his big, FAT mouth.

And the exact same thing happened. A 25-ish year old man/boy got into a heavy flirtation with me as I was trying to find the right rice for risotto (Arborio). Harmless, fun and yes – a little ego boosting. Why not? And Little Blabber mouth came out with his standard line.

“You know she’s my MOM, right?”

This time, the man/boy just smiled and sauntered away.

Score: Little Dude: 1     Cute Supermarket Man/Boy: 0

 

Eventually, my son will have to deal with me being part of the dating world. At the moment, I run a business and have precious free time to spend, and I choose to spend it with my kid. Because he still likes me and thinks I’m cool. I’m capitalizing on that while I can.

But he goes into the 5th grade this year. And from what I understand, the year after he will be entering The Dark World known as Middle School and will be plotting ways to kill me. At which time I will become a full-fledged member of Normal Single Parents Who Date. I stuck my toe in the water recently and actually had a date. No, he wasn’t 23. Because 23-year-old man/boys need this:

 

and ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

40 people on Facebook gave me input on what to wear. (Thanks again!) My kid was spending the night at a friend’s and had no idea.

It’s doubtful that my son will ever be spending weekends with his dad so I can drop Ecstasy for 2 days and have 36-hour sex sessions with him out of the house. We don’t have shared custody. My Ex doesn’t have a stable living situation. I don’t foresee that as a possibility.

Little Dude is going to have to deal with his mama dating. No, there won’t be a parade of Uncles waltzing around in my bathrobe in the morning, eating homemade pancakes. That’s just gross. (not the pancakes; I make the world’s best.) Random men spending the night and my child being aware of that.

The sex part will just have to be worked out. I imagine it will be something done during his sleeping hours. And since he has a tendency to wake up in the night, the gentleman caller in question will have to be able to get dressed quickly and make a rapid exit.

Please feel free to introduce me to any firemen in the New York/New Jersey area. Thank you.

 

Are you a single parent who dates?  Does your kid cock/pussy block you?
Should I just kick him in the throat?  Talk to me, I’m listening.