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Punk Rock MILF

July 14, 2015 — 112 Comments

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He said, “Oh, my wife and I have very generic sex. She doesn’t really have any deep-seated issues.”

The implication being that I’m uninhibited and adventurous in bed because I’m meschugena (that’s street Jew for crazy bitch.)

I’m not buying that. If your wife is vanilla, don’t attribute it to her clean bill of mental health. She’s just a starfish fuck.

 

Psychological baggage may prevent women from getting close to men, or make them difficult and needy. It doesn’t make you a hot scromp.

 

I’m the first one to admit I have raving daddy issues. But it’s not like I’m a cliched “daddy issues girl” who ended up on a stripper pole or addicted to drugs. 

 

Woopsie.

 

At any rate, everyone has baggage. Here’s to life in all its fucked up glory. I still maintain that emotional issues won’t turn you into a nymphomaniac with lascivious tastes in bed. That’s just blind luck.

 

I recently stumbled across a Subreddit called Dead Bedrooms.

*Please note: Do not surf Reddit. You will see things you cannot unsee. There isn’t enough eye bleach in the world to cleanse what I have seen, while searching for cupcake recipes in the wee hours of the dark and lonely night.

Apparently, this is a Thing – it’s when a couple, married or otherwise, doesn’t have sex because one of them is LL (low libido). And it’s not always the woman, although that is the more common scenario.

I’m in groups where married woman discuss sex as if it’s an unpleasant chore. Particularly stay-at-home moms, who have to spend a day taking care of squalling brats. Nothing drains a libido faster than exhaustion accompanied by puke, poop, and spit up. It’s ironic that the ultimate expression of womanhood, being a mother, can leave one feeling  sexless and decidedly unfeminine.

 

I usually keep quiet during these discussions, unless blow jobs are being discussed. I’m enthusiastically pro-blow and try to put in a good word for checking the mic ever since a friends marriage broke up, over blow jobs.

But I don’t join in the I-hate-having-to-fuck my-husband discussions, because I don’t want to disagree and feel like I’m gloating.

I should preface this by saying that I have always had a very strong libido. Even as a kid. I used to watch Star Trek and get little twinges over Mr. Spock (don’t you dare judge me and RIP Leonard Nimoy).  And later, over Charlie’s Angels – but that’s a whole other story.

I grew up in the New York City projects and had the hots for The Jackson Five. All of them. Individually, not some jungle-fever gang bang.

Before you send a marching band to my house to play “Me So Horny” this has not always been positive. There’s such a thing as incompatible sex drives. A relationship I had in my 20’s, the love of my life, the “one who got away” – died of sexual incompatibility.

If I’m in a relationship, I’m an “every day” girl. This man was more of the “once or twice a week” persuasion.  It was a source of constant frustration to me, and not just sexual. It’s emotionally frustrating to walk around all the time throbbing at the heart and the pussy.

I tried everything. I fed him tiger penis soup from China and horny goat weed from India. I dressed as Leela from Futurama.

I went unfucked.

While choosing an island in the Caribbean for our vacation, I said, “I really don’t care where we go. As long as we can have sex five times a day.”

He was visibly horrified.

We broke up soon after that.

 

I had a really strong sex life with my Ex, which is probably why he still stalks me.

We never had that post-baby “don’t touch me” thing happen. We had plenty of sex with that little bassinet right in our bedroom. When my doctor told us to wait six weeks after my son was born to have sex, my Ex said, “Wait a minute. Is that for anal, too?”

Even 14 years into our relationship our sex life really never dwindled or got stale. I don’t know exactly what to attribute that to. I wish I did, and could articulate it to couples who are experiencing Dead Bedroom.

I am adventurous, energetic and kinky as hell, but not because of my “deep seated issues.” Maybe it’s because I’m from New York, and have been exposed to a veritable cornucopia of kinky fuckery? Or because I started exploring my sexuality in college, in a hippie-ish, upstate New York “land that time forgot”? Is it because I grew up with five brothers, and there was so much sperm flung around our apartment it was like living in the Monkey House at the Bronx Zoo?

 

Sex is one of the most fun activities a couple can engage in. It costs nothing. It’s fantastic cardio. The hormones released are natural mood enhancers. Certain positions, like reverse cowgirl, are great for working out your hamstrings and quads.  Reverse cowgirl is also a fabulous position for hitting a woman’s G-spot.

Yes, a G-spot exists. We’re not talking Big Foot or Chupacabra. Although it is pretty fucked up that something which feels that amazing you have to go on a mystical quest to find, whereas everything you need to make a man orgasm is just protruding out there, waggling at you.

 

Women who think having sex with their husbands is like facing a long layover at a crowded airport during a snowstorm, think again.

 

Women are complicated creatures who need to feel safe, protected, and taken care of.  Men are generally far less complicated. They need to be fed and fucked. If you want him attending to your needs, attend to his.

Sex is a powerful stress reliever. It releases calming hormones in the brain, which is balm for the body. Sex correlates to healing faster, getting sick less often and living longer. A panacea for so much of what ails us- automatically installed in our own bodies!

It feels good. Stop denying yourself one of the worlds’ greatest pleasures. Most men are more than happy to give a woman an orgasm. A man I was involved with recently was a sexual gem, more invested in making me have an orgasm than in having one himself. Do both of you a favor, and accept this graciously, and repeatedly.

Reclaim your femininity; your essence. Particularly if you’re a woman who spends her day cleaning up poo and puke and spit and All The Things. You need to remember that you’re a goddess. There’s nothing more restorative than finding yourself through the touch of another.

 

I’m not some kind of sexual superstar. I just feel empowered because I was lucky enough to be given a life to live and a body that functions perfectly.

The physical pleasure of sex, the freedom of it, connects two human beings in a way that lets them endure the pains and losses of being human. It’s a life affirming expression of joy and trust.

 

 

The title of this post is brought to you courtesy of my beautiful Sisterwife Mandi, who referred to me in a conversation as “Punk MILF.”

Mandi is the author of Dear Stephanie, an intense, sizzling, roller coaster of a read. Because I love you all, and because

I’m a proud Book Pimp,

,CERTIFIED BOOK PIMP (1)

please leave a comment. We’ll do a drawing and one of you will win a copy!

 

 

Is your sex drive compatible with that of your Significant Other? 
Have you ever heard of Dead Bedroom? How about Tiger Penis Soup? 
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

My Son, The Cock Blocker

September 2, 2014 — 72 Comments

cockblock

 

My son has a standard line he uses whenever he thinks a man is flirting with me.

You know that’s my MOM, right?”

It’s because the man in question is often twenty years younger than me. Trust me –  I look every bit my age (which is between 35 and none of your business). And I’m no hot piece of suburban ass. I look like an aging rock star who drank too much tequila and passed out tailgating in the parking lot at Bamboozle. Men are just horny bastards, and they flirt.

Also, MILF porn, featuring 20-something man/boys banging much older, sex crazed, know how to give a great blow jay experienced women in their sexual prime has inundated the Interwebz. So, very hopeful, 23-year-old man/boys flirt with women in their (okay, okay) forties.

Yesterday, I took my son and his friends to the movies so I could catch up on my sleep. Snacks are of the utmost importance at a movie. And boys going on 11 can EAT. We got there just in time to watch the previews, which they really wanted to see. So after they were seated, I made my way to the concessions.

I got my order of enough disgusting junk food to collectively hijack all our brain’s biochemistry by intense dopamine release. But it became apparent, that even doing my best impersonation of a pack mule, I would have to make 2 trips to bring food to the Little Princes who were seated in those comfy reclining seats. The young man who was assembling my order had been flirtatious with me the entire time he waited on me. He looked like he was 22, at best. Now, I have no intention of dating, much less sleeping with, a boy half my age. Why?

Because 23-year-old man/boys need this:

3rd edit

And ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

But flirting is FUN. I’m a huge flirt. Not just with men. I flirt with women, babies, doggys, grandmothers. My Ex used to say I would flirt with a piece of wood. It’s harmless.

This young man now fell all over himself to help me carry the snacks. He texted his manager to get special permission to leave the concession stand so he could walk me to my seat. (see why flirting is a GOOD thing?)

On the way out of the movie, he found me. He was just getting off of work and he fell instep alongside us as we made our way out of the movie. He asked me if I lived in the area, and did I come to that theatre regularly?
Before I could answer, Little Dude gave his clarion call.

You know she’s my MOM, right?”

After I kicked him in the throat glared at him, the young man said,”Well, heh heh, I assumed she wasn’t buying snacks for a group of random kids, yes. But, hey. Nice to meet you. I’m D—-.”

My son interrupted. “What are you, in college or something? She’s a MOM.  She’s too OLD for you. ”

This is what he does.

All. The. Time.

I recently posted on Facebook that I was in a specialty grocery store with my son, because I’m an idiot who continues to feed him, despite his big, FAT mouth.

And the exact same thing happened. A 25-ish year old man/boy got into a heavy flirtation with me as I was trying to find the right rice for risotto (Arborio). Harmless, fun and yes – a little ego boosting. Why not? And Little Blabber mouth came out with his standard line.

“You know she’s my MOM, right?”

This time, the man/boy just smiled and sauntered away.

Score: Little Dude: 1     Cute Supermarket Man/Boy: 0

 

Eventually, my son will have to deal with me being part of the dating world. At the moment, I run a business and have precious free time to spend, and I choose to spend it with my kid. Because he still likes me and thinks I’m cool. I’m capitalizing on that while I can.

But he goes into the 5th grade this year. And from what I understand, the year after he will be entering The Dark World known as Middle School and will be plotting ways to kill me. At which time I will become a full-fledged member of Normal Single Parents Who Date. I stuck my toe in the water recently and actually had a date. No, he wasn’t 23. Because 23-year-old man/boys need this:

clit buck

 

and ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

40 people on Facebook gave me input on what to wear. (Thanks again!) My kid was spending the night at a friend’s and had no idea.

It’s doubtful that my son will ever be spending weekends with his dad so I can drop Ecstasy for 2 days and have 36-hour sex sessions with him out of the house. We don’t have shared custody. My Ex doesn’t have a stable living situation. I don’t foresee that as a possibility.

Little Dude is going to have to deal with his mama dating. No, there won’t be a parade of Uncles waltzing around in my bathrobe in the morning, eating homemade pancakes. That’s just gross. (not the pancakes; I make the world’s best.) Random men spending the night and my child being aware of that.

The sex part will just have to be worked out. I imagine it will be something done during his sleeping hours. And since he has a tendency to wake up in the night, the gentleman caller in question will have to be able to get dressed quickly and make a rapid exit.

Please feel free to introduce me to any firemen in the New York/New Jersey area. Thank you.

 

Are you a single parent who dates?  Does your kid cock/pussy block you?
Should I just kick him in the throat?  Talk to me, I’m listening.