15 Things I Think But Would Never Say Out Loud

September 4, 2014 — 89 Comments

potty-mouth-734

 

1. Congratulations on your engagement. Your fiancé gave venereal warts to every housewife at the gym. His ball sack is a hot bed of disease and infection.

2. If I can’t afford it, and I have to have it, I’ll just shop lift it.

3. Why are you so engrossed in your cell phone conversation? Are you a transplant doctor awaiting a donor heart? Someone could strap a pair of cymbals to their feet, and kidnap your child and you would be oblivious.

4. No, it’s not a “difficult age.” Your kid is an animal. We’re in a restaurant, so please, don’t just stand there while he caterwauls like someone shitting farm equipment. I would like to enjoy my meal. If you don’t learn to control him, I will cut you and dance in the blood.

5. I know being morbidly obese is horrible and challenging in a million ways. and it’s probably glandular and I’m sure you’re a lovely human being. But in the mean time, stop blocking the entire aisle at the fucking supermarket. The regular sized people need food, too.

6. Oh my God, your baby is UGLY. SCARY ugly. Did they yank his head out with forceps? Is it too early to consider plastic surgery? Get that shit fixed so he doesn’t scare the other babies.

7. For the love of everything holy, please brush your teeth. Your breath smells like feces. Would you like a tic tac, or some toilet paper? While you’re deciding, I’ll be over here donning an oxygen mask, so you don’t singe my eyebrows.

8. No. Your kid is not a “bad test taker.” He’s just dumb. Remember dumb kids? Yes. They still exist. You own one. You should sterilize him so that he does not reproduce.

9. Stop being so incredibly nasty to me, PTO whore. Our kids go to school together. If you continue to act bitchy to me, so help me God I will fuck your husband six ways till Sunday.

10. Place don’t sit next to me, please don’t sit next to me, please don’t – oh my God, you smell like Big Foot’s Dick. Your BO could be used in international bioterrorism. Next time you go out in public, please take a shower, heathen.

11. Heroin is awesome. It’s so convenient that the dealers are selling it behind all the high schools. And in those economy-sized little $5 baggies.

12. Good thing I am not a crazy person, or this Godforsaken supermarket parking lot would be littered with the dead.

13. I know you just farted. My eyes are watering and suddenly the room smells like an exploded septic tank.

14.  I could just totally punch you in your misshapen annoying face and run away because you don’t know me and you couldn’t report me if you wanted to.

15. Oh, dear Lord. I look ridiculous. Am I really wearing a backwards baseball cap? Forgive me, world. It’s a frantic attempt to beat back death. In a few short years, I’m going to be shopping in Forever 21, trying to get a discount with my AARP card.

 

Do you think things you would never say out loud?  C’mon. Your turn.
Talk to me.   I’m listening.

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89 responses to 15 Things I Think But Would Never Say Out Loud

  1. 

    Fucking hell!! Does Forever 21 take AARP???

    This is hilarious. I used to work with a girl whose breath was so bad. It smelled like three day old Chinese food.

    • 

      Michelle! Wassup!

      It should be illegal to have to work with people who have horrible breath, or smell bad. It’s nauseating!

      Happy Thursday! The weekend is ever near! (Okay, I don’t know why I just sounded like Hunger Games)

      • 

        It’s been the weekend for DAYS…I am off all week. Other than two day trips, I have DONE NOTHING. I look like a homeless woman. It’s pretty sweet.

  2. 

    This isn’t quite the same thing but in my old building at work, some of the toilets were in the reception area and I’d have to walk right past the couch thing where visitors would sit whilst they waited for someone to collect them.

    Every time I walked past these people I was tempted to give them a little slap on the face.

  3. 

    Things I think at work:

    1. I would respond to your email asking, ‘Are you literate? Can you not read? The answer is in the email you responded to!’ but then realized it would be pointless as my email wouldn’t be read.

    2. Talk to me at the urinal and I will punch you. Dammit, why did you f!@*&U!# talk to me in the bathroom? Not cool dude, not cool.

    3. Oh, you have locked yourself out of your password for the billionth time? Nothing fishy about that!

    4. I’m sorry, did you really just ask that question? You’ve just blown my mind by how incredibly dumb it was.

    5. Oh, your site is seeing an issue? Really? That’s nice. When you have specifics on what the issue is and how it is impacting, then I might help you. In the mean time, I am going back to sleep.

    6. Oh you’re hot. Let me be a creep and stare just a bit longer…. on second thought I better get back to my hole.

    And that’s about all I can think of right now. 😆

    • 

      Those are good! You need to do your own post!
      The urinal thing is creepy. There needs to be lots of personal space at a urinal, and zero interaction. This is not the time for male bonding.

      Hope you had a fabulous summer!!

      • 

        I can’t believe that you’re using the toilet and talking/texting on your phone at the same time! WTF!?! Seriously, what is so important that you can’t wait until you’ve finished?I just want to give them a little push in the back while they’re in the act. (On a good note, most smartphones these days have waterproof or water resistant screens.)

  4. 

    I think this is the first time, possibly the last, when all of these particular tags are in the same post.

    • 

      Bro Jo’s in the HOUSE!!!

      I never really figured out the use for tags, except to make people laugh.
      I suppose you can use them to search, but how would that be relevant for this post?
      It wouldn’t. Exactly.
      oh! By the way – fantastic beautiful post up at STMND. I love her writing.

      I’m so glad you stopped in. You made my day!

      • 

        Yeah, she is a really good writer. I actually met her at Blogger Interactive last year in Austin. Jen was on her to do guest post so I thought of her when my turn came up.

        Oh, about tags…I’m not really sure either. When I started two and a half years ago I would get all sorts of Google search term hits. Google changed something a couple of years ago now it’s almost nothing. I changed my address too, but man, nothing from Google. Maybe it will come again one day.

  5. 

    And “dance in the blood.”

    Totally laughed.

    xoxo

  6. 

    If I ever snap, you’ll be one of the first people I hunt down.
    I think anarchy would be fun. I’d be okay, but I’d make sure you weren’t.
    Humans have doomed this world by removing themselves from natural selection, otherwise you’d have never been born. Your existence is proof of our ultimate demise.

    • 

      hahahahahahahahaha
      I feel like I need to pop an Adderall and read this comment again. What???

      Why would you hunt me down??? What happened to big bloggy love???

      • 

        Oh crap!
        I was hoping you would understand those were just thoughts I’d had about people but would never say out loud. I was answering your question!!
        While reading and commenting from my phone.
        Trying to keep it short and to the point.
        Assuming you’d know I’ve got nothing but big bloggy love for you!

      • 

        You know, several people now did that.

        But you were the first, and of course, is forgotten that I posed the question. Even though “I’m listening.”

        Whew. I thought you’d gone postal on me!

      • 

        No, no, no, not on you. Maybe on others someday in the future, but definitely not you.

  7. 

    Thing I would say out loud to my co-worker: I think when your kid is in junior high, it is time to stop taking the day off to “bring him to his first day of school.” Also, while you are on the phone with him trying to make sure he is still attached to your imbecilicord, the phones are a ringing and you get paid to answer them, so get to work.

    • 

      Hey! Welcome to my blog!!
      I have been meaning to visit yours. I see you around the blogosphere. And here you are!

      Oh lord, people just infantilize their children to death. My kid started 5th grade today. We live in the neighborhood, so his little ass walked himself to school.
      Oh – and he packed up his school supplies, AND made his own lunch. What do I look like, a maid?
      Thanks for stopping by!!

      • 

        When I rant, uh I mean ran upon this post, I knew I had to become a follower. How have I missed this awesome blog for so long?
        As far as rants about my co-workers, I could probably do 15 of them in about 15 minutes, but don’t want to risk them all mutinying me and throwing me out one day.
        Thanks for welcoming me!

    • 

      Hahaha! OMG I lovelovelove that one – “imbecilicord”! Too f’n funny! I, too, work with someone that will probably still use her kids as excuses when they’re 30.

      • 

        Oh, didn’t you know? Having a kid makes you exempt from all the rules that the entire human race has to subscribe to.
        I have a kid. Just because I grew something in my uterus does not entitle me to special treatment!

      • 

        Well, Samara, it does entitle you to SOME. But most of us would make every effort effort not to inflict our dickwad kids on the rest of civilized society. 😉

      • 

        Whoops! Or use them as an excuse every time you’re late for work or for your inability to take the college classes required to keep your position!

      • 

        If anything, I should be using the excuse that I have to work with her.

  8. 

    This post sucks! Did you drop out of school after 2nd grade? This isn’t interesting at all. I had more fun wiping my ass than reading this post. And, really, did you think this was funny? My three year old displays more wit while he’s on the floor throwing a temper tantrum.

    Of course, I never think those things when I’m reading THIS blog…

    PS. Big foot’s dick! Bwahahahahaha. Hilarious, Samara.

  9. 

    #4 – I’d love to stab those brats & their fucktard parents with a sterile lancet (I’m ALWAYS packing being diabetic & all) There isn’t much I wouldn’t say. During the 1st Spiderman movie, the couple with the 4-y-o behind us felt my wrath. Of course they were insulted – “He’s ONLY FOUR!”. My reply was “Well, until he can learn to SHUT UP at the movies maybe you should watch them from HOME in your living room since I paid to watch this SHIT in silence”. My poor husband was mortified. LOL
    Obviously, saying things like “Stupid fucking-fuck BITCH!” to my coworkers will remain completely inappropriate and unspoken; although they do be well-deserved pretty much every time I think them…

  10. 

    #9 a million times over. Thank you so much for making my day. You’re brilliant.

    THANK GOD we’re doing high school now and I’m not dealing with ANY of that crap or those fucking bitches anymore (and maybe I’ll still fuck their husbands)

  11. 

    “…cut you and dance in the blood…” Bwahaha! And oh, HELL yes to #5! Especially the ones on those scooter things that just put put along at 2 mph. Am I going to hell? It’ll be worth it. These are fantastic.

  12. 

    I would like to print #14 to a Tshirt and wear it while I “dance in the blood” of my enemies. And by enemies I mean people who annoy me and make me think things like this. Except they’re less funny when I think them. And a pinch more violent.

    • 

      Oooh, a woman after my own heart! Believe me, I actually toned this down a little.

      I’m digging the tee shirt idea. Maybe it could just say, “I’ll dance in your blood.”

  13. 

    Holy Shit.
    I am sure I must fit into one of these categories!! x

  14. 

    I think I’m just too private for this exercise: if I won’t say it out loud, I won’t type it on interwebs either. But I will think that, OH YES I will think that.

  15. 

    Pretty sure I think about #14 more than is healthy.

  16. 

    I love #9 and fully support. She’s probably boring in bed anyways.

  17. 

    Lord, you are really something! I hear you on #9 loud and clear. Our little suburban mommies are all very quiet in their bitchiness and I’d stop short of screwing the husbands. My husband is more man than their whipped husbands could ever hope to be so… I’ll pass. There are some bitches, though….aren’t there?

    • 

      Dear LORD, there are. What is that about? What does that accomplish? Can’t we all just get along?
      I’m not really going to screw their husbands. Blech. I’m single, not desperate.

  18. 

    This is a pretty thorough list. Cell phones? Check. Women shoving their engagement ring in my face? Check. Children? Double-check. I don’t think you left anything out. About those tags–venereal warts?

    • 

      Well, you know me and tags. I just write whichever phrases in the post catch my eye.
      What IS the purpose of tags, anyway?

      Blogged anything new lately? I’m so swamped at work I don’t even look at my reader. Could you send me a link if you’ve posted?

  19. 

    Yes, I think things that I would never say out loud, so instead I text them to my two best friends in a group chat. Just the other day, my friend told my husband about how inappropriate some of my texts are so much that she had to take it off of the preview on her phone so that her boss doesn’t see. We should hang out…and say these things out loud together. Like, soon.

    • 

      How did I not respond to this? I think we ended up chatting on Facebook instead.

      God I wish there were people like you where I live. You have no idea…

  20. 

    “..The regular-sized people need food too.” Hahaha! I once saw a woman the size of a VW beetle use her electric cart to block the aisle leading to a sale on Hostess products. They had to pull her out with a winch.

    • 

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
      That line just made me laugh so loud! You’re really one of the funniest people I know. A winch!

      Certain words are just funny to say. Like “winch.” “Ointment” is another good one. If I had more caffeine, I’d try putting them both together in a sentence.

  21. 

    Wait… you mean we don’t have to say every thought that pops into our heads out loud??? How come nobody ever tells me this stuff?

  22. 

    No, there really is a stupid question.

  23. 

    I love you. That is all. 🙂

  24. 

    Super hilarious list. And ‘Big foot’s Dick’.. still laughing at that one hahahaha… you are fun…

  25. 

    And here I was concerned that there was nobody out there to replace Joan Rivers!! These are fabulous! 🙂

  26. 

    You’re a riot. The absolute best!

  27. 

    Don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs, don’t look at her boobs. You can check out her legs and ass when she walks away. Shit, what did she just say? Focus! Is it really so hard to focus? Hard, hah, that’s a good one! Shit–focus! I’d better get to the bathroom fast and clear my head (giggle) so I can think clearly again.

    • 

      That’s pretty much the same internal conversation I have when I see a hot woman.
      And I’m a chick. So it’s all good.

      Hey- thanks for stopping by my blog!

  28. 

    I love every single one of these. You crack me up. I think a lot of these things on a regular basis!!!

  29. 

    Samara this cracked me the eff up. Seriously. I’m definitely working on my own list tonight. I have been more sarcastic than usual lately…this should be fun.

    Sterilizing the dumb kid and the morbidly obese shopping-cart blockers were my favs. Good stuff! 🙂

    • 

      Hey there! I’m so glad you got inspired and wrote your own list!
      Yours was hilarious. Thank you so much for coming to my blog. I love making new friends.

  30. 

    One thing I think constantly but have yet to verbalize:
    “Why are there more ‘shopping go carts’ in Kroger’s than normal, push it yourself shopping carts?” Sometimes I think I am at the carnival and watching the ‘bumper cars’ exhibit, when all I wanna do is pay for my beer and frozen pizza….and escape.

  31. 

    One time I actually told somebody at a GA seating concert they couldn’t sit next to me because I was there first and they stunk so bad that if they stayed I would throw up all over their lap. And they literally ran away, Samara.

  32. 

    I don’t have a good filter. No, that isn’t true. If I’m not at work, I just don’t care if I am being bitchy or whatever. People regret asking my opinion Big time. I wont volunteer it, but once you ask, you’re going to get it.

  33. 

    One of the best post i have come across over the internet.Structured properly and very insightful.

    Thanks i will be back to read more of your post.

  34. 

    Thank you so much for the shout out! Glad it helped inspire you to write your own post!

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. 10 Things I Think But Would Never Say Out Loud | Fish Of Gold - September 5, 2014

    […] I love Samara. She’s ferocious bitchtits on wheels. Because I love her, it’s Friday afternoon and I’m bored, I’m stealing her post idea. My list only goes to 10 though because that’s enough hate and swearing for one afternoon. […]

  2. 10 Things I Think But Would Never Say Outloud: Real Housewife Edition. | W.T.F. - September 12, 2014

    […] I have to thank Samara and Fish of Gold for writing their lists. These women had me laughing so hard I had to attempt my […]

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