My Son, The Cock Blocker

September 2, 2014 — 72 Comments

cockblock

 

My son has a standard line he uses whenever he thinks a man is flirting with me.

You know that’s my MOM, right?”

It’s because the man in question is often twenty years younger than me. Trust me –  I look every bit my age (which is between 35 and none of your business). And I’m no hot piece of suburban ass. I look like an aging rock star who drank too much tequila and passed out tailgating in the parking lot at Bamboozle. Men are just horny bastards, and they flirt.

Also, MILF porn, featuring 20-something man/boys banging much older, sex crazed, know how to give a great blow jay experienced women in their sexual prime has inundated the Interwebz. So, very hopeful, 23-year-old man/boys flirt with women in their (okay, okay) forties.

Yesterday, I took my son and his friends to the movies so I could catch up on my sleep. Snacks are of the utmost importance at a movie. And boys going on 11 can EAT. We got there just in time to watch the previews, which they really wanted to see. So after they were seated, I made my way to the concessions.

I got my order of enough disgusting junk food to collectively hijack all our brain’s biochemistry by intense dopamine release. But it became apparent, that even doing my best impersonation of a pack mule, I would have to make 2 trips to bring food to the Little Princes who were seated in those comfy reclining seats. The young man who was assembling my order had been flirtatious with me the entire time he waited on me. He looked like he was 22, at best. Now, I have no intention of dating, much less sleeping with, a boy half my age. Why?

Because 23-year-old man/boys need this:

3rd edit

And ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

But flirting is FUN. I’m a huge flirt. Not just with men. I flirt with women, babies, doggys, grandmothers. My Ex used to say I would flirt with a piece of wood. It’s harmless.

This young man now fell all over himself to help me carry the snacks. He texted his manager to get special permission to leave the concession stand so he could walk me to my seat. (see why flirting is a GOOD thing?)

On the way out of the movie, he found me. He was just getting off of work and he fell instep alongside us as we made our way out of the movie. He asked me if I lived in the area, and did I come to that theatre regularly?
Before I could answer, Little Dude gave his clarion call.

You know she’s my MOM, right?”

After I kicked him in the throat glared at him, the young man said,”Well, heh heh, I assumed she wasn’t buying snacks for a group of random kids, yes. But, hey. Nice to meet you. I’m D—-.”

My son interrupted. “What are you, in college or something? She’s a MOM.  She’s too OLD for you. ”

This is what he does.

All. The. Time.

I recently posted on Facebook that I was in a specialty grocery store with my son, because I’m an idiot who continues to feed him, despite his big, FAT mouth.

And the exact same thing happened. A 25-ish year old man/boy got into a heavy flirtation with me as I was trying to find the right rice for risotto (Arborio). Harmless, fun and yes – a little ego boosting. Why not? And Little Blabber mouth came out with his standard line.

“You know she’s my MOM, right?”

This time, the man/boy just smiled and sauntered away.

Score: Little Dude: 1     Cute Supermarket Man/Boy: 0

 

Eventually, my son will have to deal with me being part of the dating world. At the moment, I run a business and have precious free time to spend, and I choose to spend it with my kid. Because he still likes me and thinks I’m cool. I’m capitalizing on that while I can.

But he goes into the 5th grade this year. And from what I understand, the year after he will be entering The Dark World known as Middle School and will be plotting ways to kill me. At which time I will become a full-fledged member of Normal Single Parents Who Date. I stuck my toe in the water recently and actually had a date. No, he wasn’t 23. Because 23-year-old man/boys need this:

clit buck

 

and ain’t nobody got time for that.

 

40 people on Facebook gave me input on what to wear. (Thanks again!) My kid was spending the night at a friend’s and had no idea.

It’s doubtful that my son will ever be spending weekends with his dad so I can drop Ecstasy for 2 days and have 36-hour sex sessions with him out of the house. We don’t have shared custody. My Ex doesn’t have a stable living situation. I don’t foresee that as a possibility.

Little Dude is going to have to deal with his mama dating. No, there won’t be a parade of Uncles waltzing around in my bathrobe in the morning, eating homemade pancakes. That’s just gross. (not the pancakes; I make the world’s best.) Random men spending the night and my child being aware of that.

The sex part will just have to be worked out. I imagine it will be something done during his sleeping hours. And since he has a tendency to wake up in the night, the gentleman caller in question will have to be able to get dressed quickly and make a rapid exit.

Please feel free to introduce me to any firemen in the New York/New Jersey area. Thank you.

 

Are you a single parent who dates?  Does your kid cock/pussy block you?
Should I just kick him in the throat?  Talk to me, I’m listening.

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72 responses to My Son, The Cock Blocker

  1. 

    He’s gonna get the best wedding speech ever heard in the history of wedding speeches from you, isn’t he?! Maybe he’ll pick you out a Middle School teacher or something, that way he can keep up the scrutiny all day long.

  2. 

    The young chap is a trifle defensive… but I reckon I would have been the same though. Not that I could really give a rational reason as to why.

    Thanks for the clit pic by the way, I’ve printed out a handy credit card size version that I can put in my wallet.

  3. 

    We just had a 6 month rule at that age–no introductions unless it was that serious. That was mainly because of his dad’s behavior, but I still followed it.

    So yeah, he never had to meet anyone.

    The last few years since my broken engagement have been “ugh, whatever”.

    Definitely never had to worry about him interfering with potential interests either, haha. I think if it had come up, I would have pointed out cranky mommies are less likely to stop at Gamestop or wherever and left it at that.

  4. 

    Ohhh he’s ADORABLE. Sorry you got cock-blocked (twice) but he’s so sweet to try to protect you. He just wants the best for you, I’m sure.

    He’ll get used to the idea. And presumably he already knows you flirt, after all, he’s met you 😉

    GREAT CAPTIONS, btw 😀

  5. 

    Hahaha awww he’s so protective of you! Ah I guess it’s hard. I’m 20 and my parents are divorced as of May 2014 and they both have partners already and it STILL hasn’t settled in. So I guess it’s hard for children of any age to imagine their parents having a date. I’m sure he will understand when he’s older.
    But until then you are stuck with loads of “you know she’s my mom right?”!

  6. 

    Little dude had me farting from laughter. One day you might be able to turn the tables…

  7. 

    It’s not just single parents. Kids in general don’t want their parents to have sex. And it never ends. If my husband and I get some ‘alone’ time…I can promise you..one of the adult kids will call right in the middle of it. Every time. And if the baby boy is actually home, he will ignore us..unless his spidey senses tell him clothes are coming off..

  8. 

    I think it’s time for a “birds and bees” talk with Little Dude. Except this one should discuss how mother bees are old enough to make their own decisions without little bees killing all the buzz.

  9. 

    Oh my sweet fucken nuts! You are doing it all wrong!

    You are creating a MONSTER >.< You can TRY to kick him in the throat, but it's too late. He is already evolving. He is being raised on American Ninja Warrior?! You know damn well he is training. Every. Single. Night. Sure, he shows you some moves now and again, playing it off as cute and friendly, but when you aren't around… when you are sleeping, or out flirting around, or managing to gobble some cock… that Little Dude is busting out the big guns and training exhaustively.

    That jungle gym in the school yard? His personal training ground whenever he has a spare moment. His personal path to domination.

    And we both know you want to train just as much, be the next great American Ninja Warrior, but Momma's hips just aren't what they used to be, right?! You will be no match for his superior progress.

    So, sure "You know she's my mom, right?" seems cute now, but he is just biding his time, knowing he needs more training, before he can rip off their cocks and force it down their own throats. And then what do you do?! I think you have a real problem on your hands. I don't even know how to help you, but I'm just warning you…

    You have a man sneak in, thinking Little Dude is cozy, asleep in bed. Momma wants… no… Momma NEEDS her sugar… Clothes come off, your feet are in the air, but what the FUCK is that?! Little Dude is hanging upside down from the ceiling and drops on your Lover of the Night and it gets serious. There is blood and man-bits EVERY-FUCKEN-WHERE!

    And when he enters The Dark World?! Little Dude want's some gummy worms for dinner and you say no? He will try to force a dirt nap making you sleep with worms! I'm so fucken scared for you!

    You have to start diffusing the situation in real time! No talks after, but during.

    I think Nadia's elite tactical strike is perfect. As soon as he announces his threat, start laughing, and fart. The louder the better! Diffuse the situation at the heart, disconnect from ANW, and give the Little Dude some goddamn gummy worms!

    It's not too late… It's not… It's… It's not too late…

    I think that's all.

  10. 

    Oh, good grief! Little Dude needs to find a friend whose parents you can tolerate. I hear you about the younger man — it’s like trying to teach a little kid how to play a video game, and you’re watching them do it all wrong, so you grab the controller out of their hands and say “I’ll do it myself!”
    And then they pout, and either get angry or just sulky and disappointed. Stupid male ego.

  11. 

    Gold! That is all I can say.

  12. 

    My daughter entered The Dark World last year and it’s a chamber of horrors. Enjoy your little 5th grade cock blocker while you still can. A least he wants you alive (albeit alone).

    • 

      Oh, no! This is what I feared!

      And believe me, I spend my weekends with him fully knowing that not only won’t he want to go to the movies with me, he won’t even want to be seen getting DROPPED OFF by me

      I’m so glad you visited my blog. I love making new friends.!

  13. 

    The only person I’ve dated that the kids have known about was my second wife. Anything else I’ve hidden from them because they don’t need to be caught up in my drama and their lives are abnormal enough as it is with our joint custody arrangement.

    If/when (hahahaha) I meet someone they won’t meet my children until it’s serious because they don’t need people coming in and out of their lives.

  14. 

    I hope you had a fabulous date.

    • 

      I did. But the dating world terrifies me. When you’ve been with one person for so long, 15 years, the thought of another person in that capacity is terrifying. ❤

  15. 

    I love Little Dude. The thing is, no boy wants to think about his mom having sex. But obviously you’re acutely aware of that. There is a certain amount of cock blocking even when you’re married, the difference is they have to accept it because the alternative is grumpy angry parents.

    I don’t know if you’ve had “the talk” yet. With my son we had many small “talks” through the years. The best one was when he wanted to know why you would have sex if you weren’t trying to get pregnant. I explained delicately that it was a fun, pleasurable, amazing thing between two people. He got a disgusted look on his face and after a few minutes of thinking he said, “So, do you and dad….? Oh my god, oh my god! Gross mom, gross!” I’m pretty sure that moment did some damage to his little brain. Of course, that was a few years ago. Now that he’s 13 I’m pretty sure his attitude towards sex has changed. He takes an awful lot of showers…

    • 

      My son found out about sex at sleepaway camp this summer. This is exactly why I DID not want him going away to camp, but that’s a long story…

      He knew the sperm fertilized the egg, but he didn’t know the logistics of it. He came home traumatized and disgusted by the idea of a penis going into a vagina. I scrambled and came up with some ridiculous “key and lock” analogy to put his tortured mind to rest.

      Yes, when I was married, my son frequently interrupted us.
      “Mommy, Daddy, what are you DOING?”
      “Uhhh. Mommy fainted. I’m trying to revive her by slapping her vagina with my penis, repeatedly…”

    • 

      Our oldest son was 16 & 1/2 when we had our middle son, now 4, and when my wife was still pregnant with him we had a 4D scan done.
      When we got the disc we showed him a few of the still photos. He asked if it had a “bonus features” like other dvd’s, including a “making of featurette.” When he realised what he’d said, the look on his face was priceless, cos no kid, regardless of the age, wants to think of their parents having sex.

  16. 

    Lol. You should hand out the map to the young men that flirt with you. It would help them.

  17. 

    First of all, hilarious as usual AND SO TRUE. My daughter is almost 6 and I share custody w/ her Dad, so I can date, but it has to be a secret from them both because we have a clause in our custody agreement stating that “neither party shall introduce the child to a significant other until the time the divorce is settled.” Our divorce will never be settled, therefore she will never meet any significant other. I’m the one who had that put in there after her Dad started seeing an old girlfriend whom he broke up with after her repeated attempts to kick heroin and unprotected sexual romps with various men. Anyway, it’s kinda cute your son is being so protective over you! And I have access to the entire NYFD football team. (Long story…. Long story…)

    • 

      Okay, you can’t just come in here and tell me you have access to the entire NYFD and just ellipsis out of here…

      Your whole comment is fantastic and intriguing. I want to know more about you! The old skank of a girlfriend with her STDs and heroin habit, the divorce that will never end…do you blog? Can you send me some juicy links?

      I love making new friends. Welcome to my crazy blog!

  18. 

    Too funny! Little dudes are so protective. Cute, yet annoying, isn’t it?

    • 

      A little cute. A LOT annoying.
      I love mine. But he must go back to school soon or one if us will end up spending all day on the porch. And by one of us I mean him.

  19. 

    I think that if you find guys that age who need a map, you are looking at the wrong guys… I had all the landmarks memorized by the time I was 15…

  20. 

    You see what you just did? You just redefined “good parenting” in the sexiest, sassiest, flirtiest,most rocker grrl way possible. I love it!! Mother of the Year 2014, I vote YOU.

    • 

      Jen, your comments make me feel like I’ve won the Miss America pageant!

      I feel so sexy and mother-ish all at the same time! I can hardly stand myself!

      How do you do that? How do you figure the exact thing to say that’s going to make my uterus contract with happiness?

      • 

        How do YOU figure out the thing to say that is this much naughty and that much nice?! The elusive place between funny and sentimental and risque’ and profound? Now that’s the real feat. Right back atcha’, blog Mama!

  21. 

    So funny, miss! I think it’s sweet your son is so protective of you. When you find the right guy, he’s going to see that right away. Look at you getting all this attention from the twenty-something set. You’re hot, mama!

    • 

      Amy, it’s just something that happens here. The attention. When my BFF visited from Boston, we went to hear music at the Stone Pony. She could not believe the way these 25 year old were coming on to her! She loved it!

      Have your boys gone back to school yet? For us, it’s tomorrow. Thank all the gods…

  22. 

    LMAO! Soooo glad my son is grown and gone…

  23. 

    I loved your strategic diagram insertion.
    Too bad I don’t have my apartment in Brooklyn anymore – it’s walking distance from one of the most well-stocked man-candy jars (aka Firehouses) in Bensonhurst. As for where I live now, we had a false alarm at work recently which auto-calls the fire department who brought their new recruits over. They were all very young “pocket-sized boyfriends”. :/
    When my son was your son’s age, NOBODY could utter the words “do it” in any context at any time without proclamations of “EW! GROSS! YOU SAID ‘DO IT’!”
    My son was also a sound sleeper so no worries there as long as they were out before he woke up. No kicking in the throat – perhaps a shot of NyQuil before bed would help?

    • 

      Ohhhh! A Nyquil cocktail (hahahaha, I said “cock”)!

      Are you still in Brooklyn? I’m from New York and I miss the city like a fat kid misses cake.

      Pocket sized, hahaha! Too funny!

      • 

        Sweetie, I sometimes WISH that I still had that first-floor, waterbug-trap, easy-access-windowed apartment on 84th Street & 20th Ave! Alas, I got engaged and the search for a house landed us “upstate” aka “Canada”; depending which hypocrite friend of mine you ask (the one who complained I live in Canada moved himself to Jersey against his better judgment but that’s what the wife wanted so…).
        I really miss my proximity to all things cool & 24/7 like the subway, Coney Island and the SI ferry. :/
        “Pocket-sized boyfriends” was coined by my girlfriend because of the way all the bitty ones always tried to push up on her in the club. She’s a pretty Nordic girl from N. Dakota. 😉

      • 

        Canada is the new black.

      • 

        LOL You crack me up. 😀

  24. 

    So that’s where the clitoris is. Well shit, I’ve got some apoligies to make.

  25. 

    Too funny, Samara. He will forever be your body guard, I have no doubt. It does put a damper on the dating scene. You poor thing. You are going to have to go back to high school days of being creative and “necking” in cars, alleys or auditoriums! 🙂

    • 

      Maria, at the risk of sounding sleazy (oh, NOW I’m worried about that hahaha) I love car sex. So it’s all good. !

      Hope you’re well. I know you had a rough summer, and I’ve been thinking about you.

  26. 

    He’s going to have a tough row to hoe but thank Bog you’re fully aware of his struggle. That’s better than just steamrolling over your kid to get to the next young, hot thing, which is what a lot of parents do.

    When I was just getting started in the Game of Love, I, quite literally, visited the local library, found an anatomy book and studied lady parts. It was apparent to me I was doing something wrong. I got all straightened out.

    • 

      I think I’m going to have wallet sized copies of my diagram printed up and sell them on Etsy.

      I must be crazy. My social life is SO not important in comparison to the precious few year(s) I have in which my son will actually want my company.

  27. 

    I had to click over to this one, because, and I am NOT KIDDING, my husband said last week that he planned to write a book with the same title. Except our kid is two and doesn’t talk much so you can imagine…

  28. 

    I understand how you find that extremely cute and intensely annoying at the same time! 😀 Yes, a couple years’ wait will do no harm!!

  29. 

    Haha! Yep. Sounds about right! He’s protective and it’s sort of endearing. He loves you, Mama! Sure part of it is he is probably completely grossed out about the thought of his mom having sex. I would imagine if my I was ever single again (God forbid, and no offense) I would never be able to get a date with my two Black Belts around. Hang in there, he’s gonna get a life really soon and then you can spread your wings a little. Take that how you wish…..

    • 

      She’ll take it every which way she can get it! :)~

      I am (pretty much) so so sorry… I haven’t slept yet, and I just saw this comment pop up, and I just couldn’t stop myself. Please forgive me…

  30. 

    Laughing out loud right now… I LOVE that your little dude tells guys that your his mom. It’s just too damned cute!

  31. 

    I have a half brother who is twenty-six years younger than me. He was uber protective of me even before he learned how to talk. I worshipped him and carried him around everywhere instead of using a stroller when I still lived in New York. I remember him glaring at strange men talking to me. He’d grab my face with both his hands and pull it closer to his. It made me melt. But more than that, it was fascinating that he had the instinct at that age. He didn’t react that way to my actual male friends or women that were strangers to me. Just men who were strangers.

  32. 

    My god, I missed your blog! This is why I have never liked men in their 20s. Even when I was in high school. Men in their 30s and 40s barely know what they’re doing.

    • 

      Barely is right! And as far as emotionally is concerned, they’re completely fucked up.

      I’ve missed you! I’ve been on kind of a break. Have you, or just me?

  33. 

    I just discovered your blog today and you are fantastic! This literally made me laugh out loud! I am 39 years old and my daughter is almost 21. She JUST moved out, about 4 months ago. She very rarely went to her dad’s house and I didn’t want to do the parade of men either, so you just get creative.

    Many a time, make out sessions in a parking lot or sex in the back seat of a car. Even in my 30’s. Please don’t judge me. A mom has to do, what a mom has to do.

    One last thing…unfortunately, there are PLENTY of men in their 30s and 40s, that could also use a map to the clitoris. 😉

    • 

      Hi! Welcome to the craziness that is my blog! I’m so happy you found your way to me.
      Now that I have a new reader, the pressure is on to write something brilliant…

      • 

        Well, so far, everything you have written has been brilliant!! I relate so much to some of the posts! 🙂

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