The Out of Context Penis

 

There’s a very specific kind of unsolicited selfie that has become the scourge of 21st century communication. If you’re a woman, you’ve probably experienced this.

When I clicked on the “it was great having coffee with you” email,

I did not expect that

FULL FRONTAL ASSAULT.

THE DICK PIC.

From someone I barely knew.

 

Why do men send unsolicited dick pics? It’s an epidemic. It’s the Bubonic plague of the technological era.

 

1. First of all, they’re not attractive.

I’m quite fond of the way penises look. In person.

But if you’re playing “win a date with Samara,”

then sending me a detached, disembodied penis is NOT going to make you intriguing enough for me to want to get to know the men attached to it.

Do all men attend the same school? Dick Pic U School of Genitalia Photography?

Because give or take various degrees of manscaping, they’re all pretty much the same.

That one-dick pony shot of your faceless raging boner showcased against a backdrop of upper thigh.

No imagination. Next time, dress him up a little. Draw a smiley face. Maybe put a fetching little hat atop his mushroom cap. Knit him an outfit.

I’m TOTALLY making these as Christmas gifts.

 

2. Women are less visually stimulated than men. So while a man might get all hot and bothered over a breast or pussy shot, we don’t respond the same way.

Actually, I’d be more turned on by a breast or pussy shot than by a dick pic.

(please don’t start spamming my inbox – no pun intended – with pics of your pootie tang.)

If, in fact, we want to see you in an intimate setting, PAN OUT. PAN OUT. PAN OUT.

Women like chests. We like abs. We love that V-shaped muscle that leads into the groin area. You know – those lower abs. Technically, it’s 3 muscle groups, the transverse abdominal, and the internal and external obliques blah blah blah.

Nobody cares, Samara. It’s the “V” that leads right down into the money shot.

Would you really like a huge close up of a VULVA?

Well, you’re a freak.

The point is, sending me a dick pic is not a one-way ticket to Pound Town.

No one enjoys the art of masturbation as much as I; but I can assure that receiving a dick pic does not automatically make me want to stroke my smush mitten. Do you really think women receive an unsolicited pic and go:

OH YEAH, THAT IS SO HOT!

DO ME NOW! I WANT THAT IN ME NOW, FUCK YEAH!

And then fan ourselves feverishly with one hand while we polish the pearl with other?

No. We giggle, and tell or (even better) show our girlfriends.

 

3. These pics always come at the most inopportune time.

Did you really think I’m going to drool over pictures of your unsheathed johnson right before a parent-teacher conference?

Great. I’m at my grandmother’s, I get a text, and now “big Dick and the twins” just show up.

I’m out having lunch with my kid; I want to check my bank account online, and

Womp! your man muscle is in my face.

And not in a good way. In a completely unwanted, creepyish way

It’s like the digital equivalent of a sex offender in a stained, wrinkled trench coat.

And when they catch you off guard, and you get this blown up member with his jaunty one-eyed smile,

it can be damn FRIGHTENING.

“What is that? Is that a yam? With hair?”

or

“Why would I get a picture of a squid?”

*peers closer*

“What the actual FUCK!”

Now the PTO meeting you’re running just got verrryyy awkward.

 

4. Those camera angles aren’t fooling ANYBODY.

The same way online dating photos can be misleading, which is how you ended up on a date with a trannie you thought was a woman?

We’re onto the whole “Rear View Mirror Dick Pic” syndrome.  You know, the old “objects may appear larger than they are.”

Even a man hung like a hamster can showcase his family jewels so that his Timex dick looks like a Rolex.

If you must, at least put your hand on it so we have a size referrent.

Please don’t get too creative. Don’t position little army men around your cock. That’s disrespectful to the military.

 

5. A solicited dick pic is a whole different story.

If you’re sexting, and a woman asks you for that, fine.

if you’re in a relationship, and your partner knows you enjoy receiving those pics, fine. Especially helpful in long distance relationships.

You don’t even necessarily have to be sexting.  Sometimes, if you’re having playful sexual banter with someone you’re in a relationship with, a dick pic is appropriate.

Once, my Ex and I were texting snarkily back and forth. At one point, he texted, “blow me.” And attached a picture of his member.

Not only was it acceptable, it was downright hunky dory. I drove to his office and did.

Boom.

 

This epidemic is just another tell tale symptom that speaks volumes about how communication has taken a giant step backward rather than evolving.

We live in a Mad Max Dystopian society, where rogue cyber communication lacks any real consequences or repercussions.

The same guy who randomly sent you a dick pic would never just pull his junk out and start flapping it at you over a Vanilla Latte at Starbucks.

In the real world, people behave with a conscience – no one wants to be exposed as inappropriate. Cruel. Insensitive.

But over the Internet – all bets are off.

There’s no eye contact. No tone of voice. No way to express hurt, shock, disgust, pain or disappointment.

One may say that the virtual world increases sociopathic behavior. Certainly people are less inclined to feel responsible for any outcome of their interactions with others.

Or lack thereof.

 

The worst part about receiving one of these from a man you are not interested in sexually, or have not yet reached the stage where the relationship warrants this exchange, is that

You can’t UNSEE a dick pic.

The only recourse is to delete, delete, delete.

And respond with my standard line when I receive one:

“Go Fuck Your Selfie!”

 

 

Have you ever received an unsolicited picture like this? Or know someone single who gets them? 
Why has this become such a ridiculous epidemic?
Talk to me. I’m listening.