My Instagram Crush

August 18, 2015 — 111 Comments

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Well, that was bound to happen. After all, I’ve been on Instagram – what, a whole month?

 

What IS it with me and social media? How is it that I can get attracted to someone who I’ve never touched?

I’ve had mad crushes on people I’ve met blogging. Too many.

I fell in love with Jennie Saia after only blogging a few weeks, and only 2 weeks after “meeting” her. I actually declared my love for her in the comment section of a post I felt in every cell of my body. It’s there now, for all eternity – or until she shuts down her blog.

Jennie in real life turned out to be pretty much the same as Jennie on the blog. It’s very disappointing when you have feelings for someone based on how they write, or the personality they portray online, only to find they’re not at all like that when you really get to know them.

The Honoré de Balzac school of “be sexually charming and financially wise in your literary work, while in real life be a complete asshole who dies broke and in debt.”

I suppose I’m guilty of that. My blog persona is much tougher and care free, and way less needy and crazy, than me in real life.

 

I had a pointless, unsatisfying, destructive emotional affair with someone via Facebook. I was ripe for that one.

I’d just spent several months at the receiving end of a vicious hate campaign directed at me because my writing mentor was accused of being a predator and ousted offline. I would have grown attached to Hitler if he contacted me online and acted kind and sympathetic.

Actually, Hitler probably would have been less disingenuous. The whole experience was so bizarre I’m writing a book about it. You’ll have to wait for that one to come out to get those juicy details.

 

I’ve been temped on Twitter. I’ve been direct messaged by some really cute (I guess?) people who wanted to get to know me, but Twitter doesn’t do it for me. It’s like trying to connect with someone in a hippodrome while thousands of people shout to no one in particular “HEY LOOK AT ME HEY LISTEN HEY LOOK AT ME ME ME ME!”

 

I originally opened an Instagram account because I had broken up with Facebook after being booted off. I was told that people connected at BlogHer through instagram.

In the end, anyone I wanted to meet up with I texted, or, if I didn’t know their phone number, we tweeted one another. As a matter of fact, it was fun getting tweets from people like Kitten Holiday so we could announce online in front of all our followers just how awkward we felt at BlogHer:

 

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I like Instagram. I can get in, and get out and catch up with the latest adventures of friends and fellow bloggers. I don’t get sucked into a social media black hole; where I spend 10 minutes that morphs, through cyber alchemy, into 2 hours.

I don’t have much to say on Instagram; most people I follow don’t. A few words to caption your picture, some cool #hastags to encourage people to land on your photo. I have to stop myself from hashtagging every photo I post with “This is how we #fuckshitup.” It would make no sense, but still, the urge is there.

So what do I post? Rock tee shirts of the day, or skull tees of the day, usually. One or two pictures of my face from when I attended BlogHer, the first weekend I had my account.

Because I am a woman, and I don’t post pictures that attest to a husband or boyfriend, I receive direct messages on Instagram from men. I’m always a little surprised. My snarky personality is not at all in evidence; I say very little. I’m not scantily clad; although the very first picture I posted was the infamous one that showed up in the WordPress Reader, me in my bondage bra.

I snapped the pic and posted it because after I checked into the hotel, I realized that walking through the lobby of the Hilton clad in my bra was now off my bucket list, and I felt like commemorating the occasion with photographic evidence.

I ignore the messages.

Usually.

A really good looking English guy with a muscular physique and lots of ink starting “liking” all my rock tees and we followed each other. I say he’s English, but I really don’t know except he called me his “favourite” and I hope he’s not Canadian.

He appears to be traveling the world, or at least Europe, and I believe his home is in England. I’ve no clue. I know very little about him but he’s dead sexy to look at and he has a habit of captioning his photos with rock lyrics.

I’m a nerd with an almost encyclopedic knowledge of rock lyrics. I held back responding to his captions with the next line of the song so I wouldn’t seem like I was being a know-it-all until the day he posted a line from my favorite Patti Smith song, “Rock And Roll Nigger.” He wrote “outside of society” and I responded with “That’s where I want to be.”

He wrote that he couldn’t believe I knew that, and I answered that I couldn’t believe everyone else didn’t. It’s a fucking great song.

Seriously. Stop right this second and listen to it on YouTube. There isn’t one single thing I, or anyone for that matter, has to say that is more important than you listening to this song RIGHT THIS SECOND. I would post the video here but then it will show up in the Reader as my post image (ha, in your FACE WordPress, I am on to your trickery!)

It progressed from there. He would post a picture from where he was in the world, captioning it with a song lyric (“Look at those cavemen go”) and I would respond with the next lyric (“It’s the freakiest show”) and so on.

I got a direct message from him and I was instantly nervous. It’s SUCKS donkey balls when you open up a message from a man you don’t know and it’s a dick pic. And I liked his taste in music as well as his tattoos and muscles, so I did not want a reason to dislike him.

It was just this: “You drive me crazy.”

He’s only seen my covered torso. I don’t say anything flirty or sexy in any of my captions. Why was I driving him crazy? Was this a good thing?

So I asked him “is this a good thing?”
Apparently, it was. And so, it began.

 

Why do I develop crushes on people I’ll likely never meet? Won’t ever touch or hug or probably never even hear?

I suppose everyone who’s everyone had an online crush has a reason. For me, it’s safe. I can invest just a part of me, maybe more than I wanted intentionally, but certainly not the same amount I would invest in a real life person I was involved with.

It’s like having a de facto boyfriend, which is Latin for “my therapist is gonna love hearing about this guy.” You can’t get hurt, although in truth I did get hurt with that Facebook debacle, but that was only because he convinced me that we were having a “real” relationship and I bought it.

I won’t get fooled again.

I’m seeing someone in real life. Is it crazy that, at this moment, I like Instagram Man better?

Don’t answer that.

 

Did you ever have an online crush? (You KNOW you have). Was it fun? Can you talk about it even? 
If you can, then talk to me.  I’m listening. 

Follow me on Instagram so I look popular.

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111 responses to My Instagram Crush

  1. 

    I DID have an online crush once. We’ve been together 20 years now.haha.

  2. 

    Have you considered it is just your therapist trying to spice up your sessions?

  3. 

    I will call you and we shall talk more. But for now, I TOTALLY understand where you’re at. I’ve been there.

  4. 

    Just followed you. I have no knowledge of song lyrics, or skull t-shirts, so this should be educational.

  5. 

    Oh I crush. As far as I know, nobody crushes on me, but that’s the nature of crushes I guess. :-p

    • 

      Oh, they’re crushing! You just don’t know it.
      It takes someone really ballsy to send the kind of message this dude sent me. That’s why I like him.
      *sigh*

  6. 

    I (so far) have resisted the urge to join Instagram but now that I see Instagram photos showing up on FB, I suppose I’ll (probably) eventually give in. I just got my first smart phone (be nice) so it would be easier than before! As for crushes, yes I’ve had my share of the good, the bad and the downright bordering on stalkish! Hey keeps life interesting anyway!

  7. 

    Online crushes are a little like sharing equipment with attractive people at the gym. A little harmless flirtation and shared interest until you try to show off and drop a bar-bell on your toe. Or so I’ve heard…

  8. 

    Well…. I have a crush on you so… not sure what that means. So glad I didn’t send a dic pic to introduce myself 🙂

  9. 

    So very hard to not involve oneself in online crushes. ..Speaking from experience. ..it is too easy to get carried away…..

  10. 

    I DID. A huge one. I’m still reconnecting my neurons back to their normal wiring and dealing with a divorce, so… :/

  11. 

    I am just barely over my hate/revulsion relationship with Twitter! Now I have to worry about Instagram??? I think it is not surprising at all that we are attracted to someone’s online persona – I just think you proceed with extreme caution when trying to take that relationship to real life – because when you add the other senses to the picture, it’s going to change for everyone. Instagram man is untarnished, and it’s ok to keep him that way. But flatulence trumps rock lyric knowledge, every…damn…time. 😉

  12. 

    I’ve seen you Instagram and I can see why he’s interested. (LOVED the bra pic, BTW.) I’ve never had an online crush but I’m stupid happily married so… I know that doesn’t matter to some people, but it does to me. So, this makes me deeply unqualified to offer anything other than ‘be careful’. That dude would have a shit ton of people on his ass if he hurt you, I imagine.

    Couldn’t help but notice ‘I won’t be fooled again.’ Rock lyrics. 🙂

  13. 

    As a very, very wise man once said, such is the power of WORDS that you can develop a genuine and true attachment to someone without ever actually meeting them. Just through their words alone will a spark light. Ask any half-assed poet.

    Oh…wait…those were MY words in an email to you. Well, if the shoe fits…

  14. 

    I have two very simple rules for who I will date. 1.) I will never date anybody I don’t know. 2.) I will never date anybody I do know. (Guess how long it’s been since I’ve dated anyone?) That leaves me plenty of time for blogging! And I know what you mean about the orange light. I love the orange light. It is my best friend! 🙂

  15. 

    I have a hard enough time letting people affect me too profoundly in REAL LIFE. I have no fear I will ever get caught up in online douchebaggery. Not for romance. As for friends, I love you immensely:) Online friends have saved me. I have found deeper love for friends online than anywhere else in most of my half century. Some people are much more real in their writing than anywhere else. Others are full of shit. Thank God I’m getting better at knowing the difference. And I love myself enough to not be devastated when I’m wrong. That’s the key💗

  16. 

    I’ve only had one on-line crush. We first bonded over our love of Lenny Kravitz, then over shared heart break. And she’s GORGEOUS. And I knew that before she revealed her face to me. ❤ (and now I have "We Won't Get Fooled Again" going through my head)

  17. 

    I’ve had several online crushes over the years. I married then divorced the first and now I sleep next to and get kinky with the last. Take whatever you need to from that, LOL.

  18. 

    Uh, is being a Canadian a bad thing?

  19. 

    “What IS it with me and social media? ”

    Maybe you are searching for comminication and attention? Actually we all do, the question is only to which extent. I have 400+ pics on instagram and not a single one of me, although I am more then happy with the way I look.
    Now it is not an evaluation, just a statement that we all have different needs why we are using social media. If most of the pics out there are our own, then we do search for an ego boost. Because we need a much of if or we need an average amount of it, but don’t get it offline.

    • 

      I’m sure I’m searching for communication and attention. Isn’t everyone? Why else would I write a blog?
      I’m so glad you stopped by and commented. I hope you’re having a lovely summer. xo

  20. 

    Great, now I’ll have “Nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger!” stuck in my head the rest of the night. I hope you’re proud. Plus I got to use the n-word only semi-gratuitously 7 times and probably won’t get any hate mail for it. Can’t claim to be as big a fan as you, but I loved that one and of course “Because the NIght.” Never knew the whole story about her and Springsteen having different lyrics to the song, till I looked it up just now.
    Never had an online crush, though I do fess up to clicking on the “gravatar” of every “even-halfway-nice-looking” woman on wordpress anywhere. There’s been a blogging friend or two that I’d date if they lived on the same continent, or if they’d only murder their husbands and then stop by the trailer. That’s a bad joke, btw; I don’t condone murder. Unless “The Donald” is the victim.
    Is Balzac any good? I picked up a copy of “The Chouans” at a library surplus sale, but have never read any Balzac yet. I just want to read all “classic” books before I go to the great trailer park in the sky, plus I love saying Balzac because it sounds sorta like “Ball-sack,” doesn’t it?
    More verbal diarrhea from me in the comments–sorry, I can’t seem to help it.
    Bal-zac.

    • 

      I love your comments. Word vomit, perhaps, but the good kind 🙂

      You jump around from topic to topic so fast I’m dizzy! Yes to murder. No to crushes. Yes to Patti. No to Bruce. Yes to Balzac. And a HUGE yes to that great big trailer park in the sky…someday…

  21. 

    Well, now you got me humming “hey, mister Instagram Man, quote a song for me
    In the jingle jangle morning I’ll come followin’ you”
    🙂

  22. 

    No, it’s not weird. Maybe Instagram Man is your soulmate! Plus, you know people do meet. What an exciting life you lead, Samara. xo

    • 

      Amy. WHAT is exciting about sitting at home, crushing on people you only know through social media?

      Your life is way more exciting than mine. Trust me. There are days I don’t even leave the house because I kind of hate people. Hahahaha

  23. 

    I feel like I’m charming and my ex is an asshole who will die in debt. . . someday. not that i’m planning anything. . . .

  24. 
    joeythebuddhist August 18, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    Just pickin his nose like a boss lol

  25. 

    Online crushes…ay yi yi. Add long distance to that and you’ve got my life right there. If I know I won’t ever have to face them in person, then the idea of rejection goes away and I can just admire from afar while being myself,with no worries.

    Of course, I am back on the hating dating wagon again recently, so that puts me back into wanting safe fantasy vs harsh reality.

    • 

      Ay yi yi, chica!!

      OMG I’m so happy to see you here! I feel like I just won blog lottery! hahaha
      What is the hating dating wagon?

      Yep, online crushes. All fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket. 😦

      • 

        Oh, I had officially stopped dating this year and then got randomly asked out recently. Apparently, I am easy enough to go out with anyone who says I’m pretty, but not quite enough to want to have crime scene sex the first time we fuck.(sorry for the tmi) We had really hit it off too, or so it seemed :-\

        Point is,still not worth the hassle of trying to find someone who embraces my dorkiness and appearance unconditionally. Rejection gets old;online flirtation (when you find it) is just fun. 😀

  26. 

    Makes sense to me. That said, it’s definitely YOU, because I don’t think it’s the case that every ‘no obvious significant other’ gets instant messages from cuties. Well. I can vouch for it not being.

    You bonded over something specific. Enjoy it.

    • 

      Put up a picture of you in your bikini. Just your torso. Then see what happens 😄

      • 

        HA! Riiiiiight. Gotcha. *still so naive sometimes*

      • 

        Well I’m not saying I posted pics of my torso to intentionally get messages. There are far less subtle ways to show one’s body on Instagram.
        However, it seems to have had an effect on some people? I dunno. Give it a whirl.

      • 

        *grins* I know. You were showing off your tees and being your usual enigmatic self. It *does* allure, that aura of mystery. I already have so little mystery left, I doubt that many people would raise much more than an eyebrow at the incongruity of me posting a bikini pic apropos of nothing 😉

  27. 

    The interwebs were made for stalking people.

  28. 

    I love how low maintenance Instagram is. It’s just so niiiiiice, with its pretty pictures and few words 🙂
    I have online crushes all the time, although not per your description here, but sure, all the time!

    • 

      But you’re MARRIED!!
      Can someone explain to me how this crush thing works? Clearly I don’t understand it at all. I think I get much too carried away.

      • 

        Haha well yeah, but you know it’s that thrill, the rush you get when you meet people you immediately adore. Then the anticipation. The way it feels when your bestie or your favorite cousin finally visits. I’ve plenty of those, even online, seldom what I’d say is sexual, more that feeling you really dig someone and they ‘get’ you.
        And yes I’m married, but I’m not in an emotional prison or a mental vacuum! lol!

  29. 

    Online flirting is the bestest, ever! Like you said, it’s relatively safe and harmless and you can be somewhat naughty without REALLY being naughty. Why do guys keep thinking that pics of their dicks are a good thing??? xo

    • 

      I have no idea about the dick pic thing. That’s no way to introduce yourself.

      Oh yeah, online flirting is all safe and harmless. Until someone buys a plane ticket…

  30. 

    Our community right here is so full of admiration that the friendship line is always a living, breathing thing. You know what I mean, Samara.

    • 

      I know exactly what you mean. And I totally agree. xoxoxo

      • 

        Sometimes it’s a mambo, sometimes it’s a samba, sometimes it leaves you in limbo, but, yeah, we in our circle dance the dance, Samara. xoxoxo

      • 

        Jesus Mark, your comments are astounding.

        I think I need to read your fiction. You do write that, don’t you? There’s more to you than what I’ve read on your blog. Lots more. You’re a mystery I need to uncover. 🙂

      • 

        What I need to do is write fiction, Samara. You are right about that. My small dabblings there are barely what I can unleash. My published book (co-written) was non-fiction, sports. I’m in the midst of another, a Food-and-Film fun project, with a film blogger from Minneapolis. There’s a bit of a reveal for you.

        Thank you for your so-gracious compliment.

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