The Out of Context Penis

March 18, 2014 — 267 Comments



There’s a very specific kind of unsolicited selfie that has become the scourge of 21st century communication. If you’re a woman, you’ve probably experienced this.

When I clicked on the “it was great having coffee with you” email,

I did not expect that



From someone I barely knew.


Why do men send unsolicited dick pics? It’s an epidemic. It’s the Bubonic plague of the technological era.


1. First of all, they’re not attractive.

I’m quite fond of the way penises look. In person.

But if you’re playing “win a date with Samara,”

then sending me a detached, disembodied penis is NOT going to make you intriguing enough for me to want to get to know the men attached to it.

Do all men attend the same school? Dick Pic U School of Genitalia Photography?

Because give or take various degrees of manscaping, they’re all pretty much the same.

That one-dick pony shot of your faceless raging boner showcased against a backdrop of upper thigh.

No imagination. Next time, dress him up a little. Draw a smiley face. Maybe put a fetching little hat atop his mushroom cap. Knit him an outfit.

I'm TOTALLY making these as Christmas gifts.

I’m TOTALLY making these as Christmas gifts.


2. Women are less visually stimulated than men. So while a man might get all hot and bothered over a breast or pussy shot, we don’t respond the same way.

Actually, I’d be more turned on by a breast or pussy shot than by a dick pic.

(please don’t start spamming my inbox – no pun intended – with pics of your pootie tang.)

If, in fact, we want to see you in an intimate setting, PAN OUT. PAN OUT. PAN OUT.

Women like chests. We like abs. We love that V-shaped muscle that leads into the groin area. You know – those lower abs. Technically, it’s 3 muscle groups, the transverse abdominal, and the internal and external obliques blah blah blah.

Nobody cares, Samara. It’s the “V” that leads right down into the money shot.

Would you really like a huge close up of a VULVA?

Well, you’re a freak.

The point is, sending me a dick pic is not a one-way ticket to Pound Town.

No one enjoys the art of masturbation as much as I; but I can assure that receiving a dick pic does not automatically make me want to stroke my smush mitten. Do you really think women receive an unsolicited pic and go:



And then fan ourselves feverishly with one hand while we polish the pearl with other?

No. We giggle, and tell or (even better) show our girlfriends.


3. These pics always come at the most inopportune time.

Did you really think I’m going to drool over pictures of your unsheathed johnson right before a parent-teacher conference?

Great. I’m at my grandmother’s, I get a text, and now “big Dick and the twins” just show up.

I’m out having lunch with my kid; I want to check my bank account online, and

Womp! your man muscle is in my face.

And not in a good way. In a completely unwanted, creepyish way

It’s like the digital equivalent of a sex offender in a stained, wrinkled trench coat.

And when they catch you off guard, and you get this blown up member with his jaunty one-eyed smile,

it can be damn FRIGHTENING.

“What is that? Is that a yam? With hair?”


“Why would I get a picture of a squid?”

*peers closer*

“What the actual FUCK!”

Now the PTO meeting you’re running just got verrryyy awkward.


4. Those camera angles aren’t fooling ANYBODY.

The same way online dating photos can be misleading, which is how you ended up on a date with a trannie you thought was a woman?

We’re onto the whole “Rear View Mirror Dick Pic” syndrome.  You know, the old “objects may appear larger than they are.”

Even a man hung like a hamster can showcase his family jewels so that his Timex dick looks like a Rolex.

If you must, at least put your hand on it so we have a size referrent.

Please don’t get too creative. Don’t position little army men around your cock. That’s disrespectful to the military.


5. A solicited dick pic is a whole different story.

If you’re sexting, and a woman asks you for that, fine.

if you’re in a relationship, and your partner knows you enjoy receiving those pics, fine. Especially helpful in long distance relationships.

You don’t even necessarily have to be sexting.  Sometimes, if you’re having playful sexual banter with someone you’re in a relationship with, a dick pic is appropriate.

Once, my Ex and I were texting snarkily back and forth. At one point, he texted, “blow me.” And attached a picture of his member.

Not only was it acceptable, it was downright hunky dory. I drove to his office and did.



This epidemic is just another tell tale symptom that speaks volumes about how communication has taken a giant step backward rather than evolving.

We live in a Mad Max Dystopian society, where rogue cyber communication lacks any real consequences or repercussions.

The same guy who randomly sent you a dick pic would never just pull his junk out and start flapping it at you over a Vanilla Latte at Starbucks.

In the real world, people behave with a conscience – no one wants to be exposed as inappropriate. Cruel. Insensitive.

But over the Internet – all bets are off.

There’s no eye contact. No tone of voice. No way to express hurt, shock, disgust, pain or disappointment.

One may say that the virtual world increases sociopathic behavior. Certainly people are less inclined to feel responsible for any outcome of their interactions with others.

Or lack thereof.


The worst part about receiving one of these from a man you are not interested in sexually, or have not yet reached the stage where the relationship warrants this exchange, is that

You can’t UNSEE a dick pic.

The only recourse is to delete, delete, delete.

And respond with my standard line when I receive one:

“Go Fuck Your Selfie!”



Have you ever received an unsolicited picture like this? Or know someone single who gets them? 
Why has this become such a ridiculous epidemic?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

267 responses to The Out of Context Penis


    Between your post and Aussa’s I have a terrible image of a dick flexing a broadsword. Bear with my terrible imagination here…

    But yes…I have been the recipient of unsolicited dick pics. The worst one: He was hairless. And pale. Like Edward from Twilight, but without the glitter. Glitter might have helped.


      They have a PeJazzle kit, you know. So men can sparkle up that area.

      I have NO idea why they would want to.

      Hairless and pale sounds like some sort of unattractive rodent. Ick. Why do they send us these? WHY?


        I want to google PeJazzle. I do. I can’t, because there are children around and I don’t want to permanently scar them…but sweet christ…WHY?

        This guy sent the picture AFTER I had laughed when he shoved it into my hand and I mistook it for his finger. His words were, “I know you were thinking about this all night”. Yep…and pissing my pants laughing.


        I had a man who I told I had no chemistry with continually send me dic picks. Like, “hey baby, are you SURE?”

        Oh, if I wasn’t before, I sure as hell am now, perv. Jeez, I’d rather a guy write me erotic stuff before he sends a pic like that.

        It does make us laugh, though. te he.

        Just so you know, the makers of PeJazzle originally made Vajazzle. yeah, that’s a gift I totally want.

        Like, my vagina isn’t enough? I gotta DECORATE it for you?
        Hells no.


    Never received one. Never sent one. Never had anyone ask me to send one. I’m suddenly feeling very boring, which is a dangerous thing for a Jester.


      It would be very odd for a straight man to receive them. So don’t feel boring.

      And you don’t strike me as the sending type, either. But if you need to feel a little un-boring, maybe you can ask the Queen to take up knitting? hahahaha


        Wait, what?
        I’m not sure I want to know.


        Look at the picture!!! Silly!


        Yeah, skipped right over that picture. Didn’t want to see it. Didn’t want any coworkers to see it.
        But, yes, now that comment makes sense. I’m not sure that’s the Queen’s style. Though, she already crochets, so…


        It’s actually pretty fortunate that you can even get my blog at your job. Some can’t you know.

        Interestingly, there are some really innocuous blogs that get blocked in the work place.

        Would anyone have even recognized what that was? You kinda have to look really close…


        I assumed the worst… both for the picture and the post in general when I clicked on it – I was sure I’d get blocked, but surprisingly it opened up a-okay. Hooray for that. Servers are finicky things like that. Sometimes they are your best friend, and sometimes they won’t even let me open Google. Not a joke.

        I’m not looking closely enough at the picture here to see if it would be discernible on its own or not.


        Well, thanks for the compliment!

        “I assumed the worst.” I’m getting the worst reputation.



        Hey! Don’t misinterpret my comments!!!
        Here “the worst” was referring to my server not letting me see your post and the picture being nsfw! I always expect awesomeness drizzled with superbgravy when I visit this particular Buick in the Land of Lexus… and you know it!!


        Do you know I only recently found out what NSFW means? I’m such a newb…

        Supergravy sounds fattening. Pass!

        Hey, you’re not on twitter – but a certain NAPR was FP’d. This is so off topic but I’m so happy for her right now I could cry!


        Hooray for NAPR!! 😀
        I am on Twitter…
        Well, I have an account, I hardly ever sign on though… my phone is having issues right now and it’s hard to keep up with everyone as it is… sneaking peaks at my mom while trying to work doesn’t look the best.


        I know I was just being an old busybody and telling you before she mentioned it-
        But I’m just so damn happy for her, for that amazing post-
        my happy got the better of me.
        And I know you would be so excited for her, too.


        Now we just need to get you FP’ed and then everything will be right with the world.


        You are so sweet!!

        I just love what she wrote, because I really felt it showed her commitment (as I put in her comment section)

        to writing, to raising people’s awareness, and most of all, to her son. I’m such a “mommy.”


        Raises glass, “here’s to mommies everywhere!”

        What… it’s noon somewhere.


        Darlin’, it’s 5:00 somewhere. Europe, I think. Or very close to it. It’s 4:00 there.

        So have that glass.

        By the way, drinking in the daytime is how most stay at home mommies make it through the day, methinks.


        That’s an interesting theory.
        Well, you know, a glass of wine a day is good for your heart.
        I really should drink more!


        Especially red wine.

        And who’s to say what time you should have it?

        10 am, 3 pm, whatever. I have a post about stay at home moms. I advise them to drink, whenever they need to. It’s damn hard!

        Of course, it could be a problem if you have to drive anywhere. And you might lack energy for proper “car dancing” hahahaha


        Car dancing doesn’t require energy. It’s a spontaneous self-propelling act. Once you start it creates enough energy on its own to sustain itself. Come on, everyone knows that.
        And, one glass? Especially if you are having that one glass ever day, you should have enough of a tolerance that you are okay to drive (not that I’m saying it is ever okay to drink and drive).


        Where drinking is concerned, I am a lightweight!!

        It was a while ago, but remember I drank a few VRBs the night before New Year’s eve, and was bedridden for a couple of days?

        I’m a cheap date.


        Okay… there’s a world of difference between a couple VRBs and one glass of red wine.

        And a true cheap date would require zero drinks. 😛


        Well, I’m not that well versed in the world of alcohol. And my old college flame said it would be just like drinking soda.

        Did I mention I came home at 7am the next morning, dirty, still drunk and with a broken shoe?

        My kid lectured me.

        That’s also a post in my drafts.


        I’m not sure the VRBs are fully to blame for the “early” arrival or the broken shoe…


        Dude, I don’t even remember half of what went on that night.

        But the takeaway was:
        1. I’m too old to run the city like a college kid.
        2. Don’t trust old college boyfriends. Especially ones named “Matt.” Bunch of troublemakers, you all are!


        Matt’s are troublemakers… truer words were never spoken, er, um, written.


        I told you that way back when we first met! You probably don’t remember that!

        Yes, happy marriages are normal. They may not be typical, but they’re normal!


        I thought “normal” was a bad thing?
        And, actually, I do remember you saying that Matts are troublemakers. My mind isn’t the steel trap it used to be, but it’s still pretty good.


        Well, “normal” is not my favorite personality trait.

        I do like offbeat characters.

        But “normal” is good when it comes to marriage, I think. I had a normal marriage once.

        All the way up until the moment I didn’t hahaha


        Which is probably normal. 😉

        As a Jester, being called normal is like a dagger in my heart.


        And I wish I could start this whole conversation over. I should have started with:
        Hey, that reminds me. I owe you an email.
        heh heh heh


        That took me about 30 seconds to sink in, and then I started giggling like a hyena!

        At first, I’m thinking, wait? Didn’t we just exchange emails? And then I was like,
        “EWWWW” hahahahahaha


        Hahahaha! 😀
        Hooray for silliness.

        I do actually owe you an email – all the prompts I respond to. I’ll try to send that over tonight… without any other surprises.


      Hahaha, thank God! I thought maybe I was the only one who’s ever not sent one!


    I think you should open an Etsy shop where you knit outfits for dicks. You shall call it Poppycock.

    You’re welcome.


      Can they be crocheted? I never got the hang of the knitting thing. Too complicated.

      Let’s do it together!! Maybe we could call it, Naughty Knits for Happy Dicks.

      You had to have gotten these. Every single woman in the free world has gotten these.


        I have gotten one. It was in the middle of a steamy sext session so doesn’t count. Unsolicited dicks? No.

        I guess I don’t inspire the dick pic in men. I don’t know whether to be grateful or insulted


        Be grateful. Be very grateful.

        It’s not NICE.

        Okay – i have to ask. Why would you be sent a picture in the middle of sex, when the real thing was right there?
        (you don’t have to answer. I totally have to know, and will pry it out of you at BlogHer.)


        We were texting 😉


        Oh, you were sexting? That’s different. That’s awesome.

        Hay gurl hay. Have fun.


        Aside from my inability to stop laughing, crocheted “turtlenecks” would save guys, especially those with low self esteems, the stress of being fearful about “shrinkage” and “The George Costanza” (“I was in the pool!”).

        A warm, cozy dick is a happy dick.


        Yes, I’m sure it is! Which is why they seek out the refuge out warm cozy vagizzles!

        I’m going to start an “apres swim” line for penises. Just to avoid that shrinkage issue. In case, you know, blogging isn’t the big money maker is’t cracked up to be.


        These comments are hilarious. I love Naughty Knits for Happy Dicks. I’m in tears right now.


      I am reminded of Fat Bottom Girl Said What and her post, “Cozies for Nether Regions and an Item Which Makes it Look Like Your Head is Popping Out of One”, last month:
      It’s cold here. Not like ”I need a cozy for my **** because I walk out the door and have icicles dangling from my balls and am sure I’ve been teleported to Canada” kind of cold, but f****** cold nonetheless. Which by the way, if you do need a cozy for your ****, may I suggest a hand-knitted delight like this trouser snake special I found over on etsy. Sort of frightening, yet suggestive at the same time..

      (if the image doesn’t show up, yes, it’s literally a snake)

      I don’t know if there are stores devoted to these things but apparently there is an item on etsy to cover one’s man genitals.


    Talk about the long and the short of it.!!!!


    Oh man, yes I have been hit with the dick pic. Too many times. And I agree with you 100%. They are not wanted. Unless I ask for one do NOT send me one. Gah! What is it with some men??


      SOME men? How about, scads of men? I don’t know why this has gotten so out of control. It’s like the follow up to a cup of coffee.

      Starbucks, then dick pic. One guy I told I didn’t really think we had chemistry. He kept sending me pictures of his penis, as though to change my mind.

      Oh, that really worked. *rolls eyes*


    of course I meant WHERE and not WEAR. Ugh….


    Oh, yeah, I’ve gotten the unsolicited dick pic. Tore the guy a new orifice. He unfriended me 🙂


      Hello and welcome! Always happy to see a new reader!

      Let me tell you, I have a harem of sister wives on WordPress. Beth Teliho in particular – who invented the hashtag #dickpunch – I would love to unleash some of these bad asses on guys who do this. Totally unacceptable.

      When did that become a way of courting us? Blech.


        I know, right? This particular guy was a high school sweetheart. He’s now married with two kids. He and his wife have an “open relationship.” I wonder if SHE knows that…

        Anyway, he should have known better – I’m not That Woman, even if he is That Douchebag and he shouldn’t have sent me that pic.

        It’s like women are put on the earth for the entertainment of men. He said that taking dick pics is “fun” and I shouldn’t be offended. Whatever, dude. Asshole.


        “How shall I compare thee to a summer’s Eve?”
        Easily! Because you’re a douche!

        Yes, I wouldn’t be surprised if HE has the open relationship and she knows nothing about it. Taking dick pics may be fun, but dude! Start a photo album. Don’t send them to anyone. That’s just disrespectful!

        Ack. This is why I’m single. Difficult to find a semi-normal man. At least, where I live. I may have to widen my scope a little


        “Semi-normal man?” Is that one of those new-fangled oxymorons? 🙂 I’m perfectly happy being single. I have control of the remote, the thermostat, all of the hot water and every inch of the bed the dog and cat don’t take up 🙂


        Being single is cool.

        Being with someone can be great too, if you’re happy.

        It’s all good. Different things for different stages of life. Sounds like you’re pretty content with yours.


        My life totally rocks! I wouldn’t change a single (see what I did there?) thing 🙂


        I LOVE people who use “see what I did there?



    Those who are deluded, should forever remain secluded. No need for hitting that send button, dudes.


    First off, Samara… this was one of the funniest (and sadly true) posts I’ve read in a while — or at least since your last post. Absolutely loved it.

    Now for confession time: Several years ago my wife and I, while in the long-distance (hold on, that’s not the penis part yet) phase of our relationship, we were texting and “sharing” a cyber-drink and things got a little suggestive. So I sent her a pic with my “Richard Johnson” next to a long-forgotten Barbie Winnebago, along with the words: “For scale by owner.” After several minutes, she sent me a photo of “the mountains” with the words: “Your next vacation destination.” I’ve been visiting there every chance I get for the last six years. Moral of the story? Don’t bother sending a penis selfie unless it’s at least half the size of a Winnebago…


      I just laughed so loud I scared the hell out of my kid!

      Just the thought of a tipsy, semi-nude Ned scrambling around, looking for Barbie accoutrement…that’s a blog post on its own.

      YOU have to guest post on my blog, and don’t think for one minute I’ve forgotten it! Gear up, baby! Are you ready to write something related to “The Slut Mom” Blog?


        Gear up. Saddle up. Heads-up 7-up. It would be a privilege, Samara 😉 Let me figure out what angle to take (which sounds worse than it is) and I’ll put something together in the next week or so. Is that OK?


        Yes, DO!!

        I’m sure whatever you come up with will be amazing. I’m honored! OMG!!


      Ned, you made me laugh at work, farkin’ funny! Speechless…priceless…


      And this right here is why I shall stop reading other comments on blogs that don’t belong to me! Oh Nedly!! You?? I’m shocked and a bit amused and sickened by this whole comment.


        Don, my apologies of I offended you. But what do you have against Winnebagos? Besides, I was young (Ok fine, 40), at home alone (kids at their mother’s) and flirting with my wife-to-be (long distance), after a drink (albeit a large one) and feeling a little silly. I would never think of doing that now, especially since I don’t need a phone for that anymore. And the Winnebago is in really bad shape.


        Ned, you don’t owe Don any apologies!

        You were in a relationship.

        Trust me, if Don was dating his wife during the digital era, he most certainly would have sent her a crazy pic!

        C’mon! He’s DON! hahaha


        Lol! No apologies, just an explanation; it’s my natural reaction to police officers…


        I get it.

        Like when you’re car is all filled with marijuana smoke, and a policeman pulls you over, you roll down the window, and very politely say,

        “Yes, Occifer?” hahahahaha


        They were in a relationship!

        And he gets extra credit for the whole Barbie Winnebago thing. That’s genius!

        (Now I’m going to get flooded with dick pics using Barbie paraphernalia.)


      That was so hilarious, Ned.


    OMG those are real dicks all dressed up like little dolls….hahahahaha! Only you, Samara. On. Ly. You.

    I have never ever ever received a dick pic. Can you believe it? I mean, seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want one (ew), but it sort of surprises me. Then again, I’ve been with the hubs for nearly 18years. We didn’t even have cell phones with the option of a selfies or texting pics the last time I was single. Wow. That’s fucking depressing.

    I laughed out loud to smush mitten, and PAN OUT PANT OUT. hahaha. Thanks for the afternoon laugh.

    OH and yes to those V muscle ridges…..they are all over my pinterest board. *drool* (I added Josh, did you know? I’m on the Josh train after Catching Fire).


      You know I wrote about the V for you, didn’t you? I happen to know you have an affinity for that area. Didn’t you, like circle it in RED on your pinterest board?

      Yes, the reason you have been spared the dick pic is that you have been safely married and away from this cyber madness for 18 years. Good for you. It’s a jungle out there. Ewwwwwww.

      There’s something so innocent about Josh. I just want to corrupt him. The other blogger wrote something like “shave my legs with his jawline.” hahahahah. He really did get all chiseled.

      Okay, I’ll stop now. Before my smush mitten gets all…smushy.


        Yeah. He just needed to grow up a little. He looked too young in Hunger Games, but something was different in Catching Fire. Definitely corruptible. Why do dudes get hotter as they age, and we’re supposed to look like pre-teens our whole lives? (according to the fashion industry, anyway). I happen to think women are fucking stunning at any age. WOMEN. Not girls. Girls are cute. Women are sexy.


        Bethie, I recently had a 30 year old tell me that guys even in their 20’s routinely masturbate to women in their 40’s. So I think men do find women sexy. And girls. I don’t think they discriminate.

        I think they find lots of different ages attractive. As long as she has tits and a quim!


        and yes, my board could teach a class on those ridges. There is a pin of them circled that says, “these make smart girls stupid”. So true


        I KNEW I remembered seeing that pointed out on your board somewhere. Now, if you include that part of you – and we have that kind of relationship, then SEND THE PIC!!


      Hahaha, Beth, I’ve been with my wife that exact length of time and have never sent her a shot of my Johnson. At this point, I think if I did, she’d think it was meant for somebody else and I’d have some explaining to do. Okay, I’m leaving this post now, Samara! Take care!


        Don, as always, it’s been a pleasure!

        Try sending your wife one with a little knitted outfit. She might want to make you a whole wardrobe…


    I would normally 100% agree that the average dick pic, not attractive. No Bueno. But… woman, you changed my mind with those effing incredible dick pics dressed in their Sunday best!

    Oh you fancy, huh?

    I like it. I like it a lot.


    So great, and so glad to have been party to the birth of this post. It honestly is a pretty valid public service announcement– it happens WAY too much (according to my comments, that is). I do have to wonder why I’ve been so left out… I’ve only gotten such photos from men I’m dating, and yes– I asked. Except, of course, for the SPARTAN SWORD PIC. Which would no one would ever ask for or wish upon their worst enemy.

    This right here is why I think you are brilliant: “Don’t position little army men around your cock. That’s disrespectful to the military.”


      Only the truth is funny.

      I got one like that. So. Sad.

      Of course he picked those very teeny little figures, as IF I wouldn’t be able to judge size. I didn’t fall off the turnip truck yesterday, you know.

      Aussa – you’re a little kinky. Asking for penis pics? Hmmmmm. We’ll have to discuss this at BlogHer. Will there be ANY men at BlogHer? Can we leave and find them? Somewhere? Don’t worry, Boyfran won’t mind. We won’t do anything bad. Just…so much estrogen.


        Hahaha the Boyfran and I were waiting for some to-go dinner when I read this comment and tried (probably not very effectively) to explain it to him. This was extra fun because we were sitting in a crowded restaurant waiting area. I tried to take a photo of his facial expression when I explained the unsolicited dick pic phenom but I dropped the phone because I couldn’t stop laughing.

        He maintained that he was unaware that this occurs… maybe I prevented this from happening by going ahead and asking for them, hmmm…


        There are men who would never, ever send one. And cannot even understand why someone would.

        All the bloggers on these comments who say they have no frame of reference for this? I believe it about every one of them. Some men just live on the opposite end of the universe from where this phenomenon occurs.

        Those are the ones to date. Or marry….


    I don’t think I’d send a dick pic to anyone, even if they asked for it…….but now that I see there are penis costumes, I may have to reconsider….


    Is there no end to your talents? You do realise that blokes will be lining up to be members (sorrry) of your knitted dicks Le Paletot Américain

    I identify immediately with your comment about acting without responsibility -“One may say that the virtual world increases sociopathic behavior. Certainly people are less inclined to feel responsible for any outcome of their interactions with others”

    Can’t help but think an unsolicited prick pic selfie is self abuse. Sad and bad.

    Come on chaps let’s get a grip, take things in hand, and show…some restraint.


      And, a windmill is always, and will always be, just a windmill. Synchronicity eh


      Umm, I kinda think I may have taken what you quoted from emails we’ve exchanged? I should have checked before I selfishly used your opinion as my own?

      Yes, men should show a little more restraint. Is this more of an American disorder, or is it in Europe as well? I hope it’s not global, because that would make it pandemic.

      I was inspired by our conversation and plan on writing about, as my post indicated, several types of these virtual communication breakdowns. I really feel its done me more harm than good.


        Hey what’s mine is yours, and I’m flattered but honestly I don’t deserve it, you inspire discussion & development of ideas.

        And, yep its pan-endemic. Crazy crazy crazy

        Why do you feel its done more harm than good?


        I’ve had some very unpleasant internet / email experiences. I had an unpleasant experience with a blogger which took me months to recover from. Not even fully.
        I wrote about it, “The Hit and Run Blogging Attack.” I only had 15 followers when I wrote it. And I took it down. But I’d like to give more people a chance to read it now. It might prevent someone from getting hurt.


        Love your language and onomatopoeic descriptives. So many terms for “polishing the pearl” When I was a kid I used to play a game with a mate of mine (usually in lesson time) which ran along the lines of coming up with alternative ways of saying certain activities. Being a bloke masturbation was up there. So it would start with the obvious then move on to bashing the bishop, choking the chicken, pulling your wire, five fingered shuffle…so many. I bet you would be hard to beat lol


        punch the munchkin, spank the monkey, wax the carrot…


        Slam the salami, beat the meat, bleeding the weasel


        shake the creamer, crack one off, five knuckle shuffle


        Pumping the python, buffing the banana, jerkin the gerkin


        Flicking the bean, petting the bunny, dating Mrs. Palmer


        Pounding the flounder, burping the worm, fisting your mister


    Have you been dating Anthony Weiner, by any chance? 🙂
    Or is this a normal behavior at least for some males? (which would explain the number of people who consistently vote for him.)


      Well, he was my last boyfriend…

      X, this is a huge problem! It’s not normal, but it’s typical for some males, yes.

      I don’t date online but I understand it’s rampant there.

      But often someone I date casually, or met once, will feel the need to send me a picture of his junk. Ask some single women you know.

      It’s kinda horrific.


    I’m coming up on 15 years of marriage, so no. No dick pic for me. You have a talent for innuendo… spam my inbox, smash the kitten, polish the pearl… I have to figure out how to sprinkle these into my conversations. With the right people, of course! But seriously, the internet is like some massive social experiment to test the limits of how weird and/or creepy people can be given the arm’s length of a computer screen or phone.


      Gretchen, you have no idea how weird and creepy can get. It’s like the Internet has given people a free pass to treat each other how ever they choose. A sucky social experiment, if you ask me.

      I’ve gotten burnt by this “social experiment” and I’m finally realizing how easy it is for people to mistreat each other when they don’t have to look into each others eyes.

      15 years of marriage has definitely spared you from the dick pic!

      I love crazy slang! I love when I can work it into a blog post!


      Congratulations… 15 years is good. Cimmy and I hit that last December.

      I like to think that the early days of the Internet rather had things more leveled out– back in 1994 or so, it was just Usenet and naughty stories.


        Thanks! 15 years seems crazy to me! And, um, I didn’t even know what the internet was in 1994. I’m still baffled by the whole thing!


        I’m a geek/nerd. It supposedly comes with the territory. I was introduced to BBSes even earlier than that, so there’s a possibility the freak goes even further back in time.


    The knitting pic reminds me of a time when I was 17, and you could buy those in shops, they were called willy warmers (not as fancy as the outfits in your pic, just plain, something like knitted condoms really). Anyway, I decided to knit one for my boyfriend for a little present, I didn’t take any measurements or anything, I just guessed, and then when it was finished it was tiny! I just couldn’t stop laughing, and he was like “Gee thanks!”


      I have to say, I’m impressed that you would think to knit something like that at 17 – I don’t think I would have been that casual!

      I love that it was so tiny- better to have underestimated than overestimated. THAT would stink!


    You had me at smush mitten (HAAHAAAA my stupid phone just auto-corrected “smush” to “Amish”, aah, my phone has developed your sense of humour), in fact, you had me at your first ever post, but now that you’ve woven Mad Max into the mix, well, I just have to say I’m unreasonably in love with you!


      LOVE Mad Max!
      Those movies are awesome! Mel Gibson was probably 20 in those. Wow.

      My phone is trained to fill in “douche canoe” – all I have to do is start typing the first few letters, and it just fills it right in. What does that say about ME?

      Smush mitten, Amish mitten – it’s all the same.

      OMG I could totally watch Mad Max tonight. It’s the craziest shiz ever!


        I watched that movie dozens of times when I was 19, and dozens more in the ensuing 3 decades (almost), all of a sudden that seems to explain an awful lot that’s happened to me. I have absolutely no discernible reference point whatsoever for why I would send anyone a dick-pic…


        And THAT is why I love you- because it would never occur to you to send one-

        You have infinite respect for women.

        Mad Max – yes, I can see how that movie would have had a strong impact on you! I think anyone who loves chaos and motorcycles would love that movie.


        It’s true, I do. I’be always said, the reason Eve was created last was because everything that had gone before was practise. Only once He’d achieved perfection did He rest. LLH&R

    NotAPunkRocker March 18, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    OMG, I think the WP editors picked the wrong post today.

    I am not going to be able to look at those penguins wearing sweaters anytime soon.

    I’ve gotten unsolicited pics a few times. One guy, who ended up crazypants, I mentioned on Aussa’s thread.

    Size is not everything, but if you make smart-ass remarks about my weight, then you better make sure you’re up to measure yourself.


      Well, size is not everything, but it counts for something. Women tell guys, “oh, size doesn’t matter” and then they say to other women, “it was this (motioning with hand gestures) BIG.” hahahaha

      The WP editors totally did not pick the wrong post today. I haven’t read anything as good, as heartfelt on WP in a while, chica. Today you outdid yourself as a writer, as an advocate for mental health, and as a loving mother.

      My hat is off to you today.

        NotAPunkRocker March 18, 2014 at 8:17 pm

        That is very kind, but I truly love this post and think it needs to be…somewhere LOL.

        I don’t want to take away from the raunchiness of this thread.

        I am so tempted to give the code name I gave this guy. Again, it wasn’t the size, but that he was so smug that he was above all but “deigned” to consider me.


        Code name, code name, pretty please?

        Would you saying it take away from the raunchiness?

        That’s kind of a great way to describe some of my posts, now that I think about it. Raunchy. Is that a good thing, though?

        Gosh. I have no choice. This is how I write, sometimes. So it has to be okay.

        Next I’m doing another children’t book review. Fuck.

        NotAPunkRocker March 18, 2014 at 8:23 pm

        Raunchy is good though, it fits the tone of the subject.

        Saying it would make me look like an awful, judgemental human being and may keep me from ever getting another date again.

        I shall send it to you via a different form of communication :->


        I feel you, girl.

        Let’s just inbox. Always love talking to you.

        NotAPunkRocker March 19, 2014 at 8:43 am

        Likewise. I sent it DM via twitter since that is where I was at the moment.


        I read it!!


        So good! Yesssss.

        NotAPunkRocker March 19, 2014 at 8:50 am

        See, I normally wouldn’t resort to name calling. Glass houses, all that, but he was so over the top insufferable…I couldn’t help it.

        He finally took the hint though so I haven’t heard from for a while now…thank goodness!


        So the same guy who sent you these pics talked shit about YOU?

        That is a slippery slope, my friend. You’d better make sure you – uh – measure up before you start talking shit about a woman.

        Actually, eff that! How DARE he talk shit about you. Want me to stomp him for you?


    Huh…so women DON’T enjoy dick pics? So I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time?


    Letting you know I posted my “Things I Love List.” And you should read my comments on Aussa’s post about dick pics. Also, I love love love those costumes!! That would tip me into the yes side, if I was debating fucking someone, and he sent me that shit.


      I will be visiting your blog shortly!
      I am so thrilled that people are posting the things they love. Love is what we need!! Especially as we move out of this winter of our discontent..

      Those knitted costumes would just seal the deal, right?

      I hope krackens are on your list…


        Oh, it’s not that kind of list. It’s more about cartoon characters I would boff and fictional men I am in love with. You’re welcome, internet.


        Cartoon characters you would boff?

        Okay, this I gotta read.

        I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever gotten worked up over a cartoon character.

        Do WordPress gravatars count?


        Anyone animated counts. And I’m sure I could have found more than 12 if I had spent more time thinking about it.


    I’m waiting for 3D cameras with smell-o-vision before I send action shots of my nethers.
    (In an Abe Lincoln stovepipe hat.)



      Maybe you can do a whole “presidential” series.

      George Washington, with that wig.

      Obama, destroying the country via his crappy healthcare policy. I’m not sure how you would illustrate that, but you’re creative. You’ll come up with something.


    Oh, what cute little adorable outfits for the mushroom heads. Ha ha! This is a riot. So funny. I think I need a glass of wine now. I’m curious how big of an epidemic it is. I’m married, so I am clueless about this, other than the solicited share. Is it rampant? I think men are just so hoping that women start to feel visually the way they do. Of course, never happening! But apparently, they try and try.


      It’s a HUGE epidemic. It’s now been confirmed for me, by overseas bloggers, that it’s actually global – which makes it pandemic…

      It’s not so much that they thing we will feel things visually. We can, and we do.

      It’s that men are so effing “dick-centric” that they think theirs is the center of the universe. And that somehow, sending us a picture of it, even if we don’t know them well and haven’t asked for it, will somehow

      Write me an erotic poem, guy. That might get me thinking about you in the right way…


    My best friend and I were just discussing unsolicited dick pics yesterday! Thanks for posting this. I’m going to share with her!


      Hay gurl hay!

      So you know exactly what I’m talking about – and it’s just ridiculous!

      I mean, guys – write me a sexy letter. That would be cool. But that full frontal assault – AAAAHHHHH!
      (me receiving one unexpectedly)


        And like you said, unless it’s someone I’m intimate with, c’mon, it’s creepy! Couldn’t that be considered indecent exposure? Technically you’re exhibiting behavior of a sexual …Stop preying on me, gross weirdo!


        There are no laws about this. So far.
        But I wouldn’t be surprised if they pass some.

        Gross weirdo, indeed!!


    Grasshopper… Master Po has no desire to do such… I will send you a pic of the chop sticks I catch flys with..


      Master Po-
      You are a karmic yogi, and are evolved past this point. Probably several lives past this point.

      That “fly with a chopstick” thing is REALLY getting to me! I just can’t get the hang of it.

      Any suggestions?


        Young Grasshopper.. Be the chopstick… Train your mind to be in the moment. When flies present themselves before you. Face them head on. Bullies and flies make a lot of noise but they are weak… This too will pass…


        “Train your mind to be in the moment.”

        The power of NOW.

        Most of my pain comes from either dwelling in the past, or worrying over the future.

        As usual, you are right.


        The power of Now… Grasshopper.. Ahh you get it. You are wise for your years. There is no use worrying what might happen or did happen.. Catch the fly and concentrate only on this moments task…
        Your humble helper…


        I love the Power of Now.

        I’m not that young. You always say “for my years.”

        What if I’m 70?


        Eckardt Tolle is my unofficial guru. He doesn’t know it though. You are young and your knowledge is growing. Things that fit before do not fit now. It is all a learning experience grasshopper but you know this… Your humble helper…


        Eckhardt Tolle has raised the consciousness of so many people, he deserves guru status.

        I forget to follow his teachings. I need a refresher course.Going to re-read his books.


        he says it simply… Be in the moment… True happiness is not worrying of what will come or what happened but living right this second.. The most important thing you are doing now is looking at this reply.. ten seconds later it will be doing something else.. Find happiness within.. I know you know these things.. Young grasshopper…



        Right now, there is only this moment. Thank you.


        You are wise at such a young age… Grasshopper.. Some never get it.. they look outwardly for happiness thinking…Is it this Is it this… Look within and say this is it…this is it.. You humble helper.. Om tat sat om.. Now I must put tools on and fix internet wires…


        Some people never get it… You get it.. Find a copy of The New Earth…


    Oh my god that picture is fucking hilarious. Who comes up with this shit?!


      I found so many more that would have made this post too raunchy-

      at least that one was kind of…cute?

      Now I know what to knit you for Christmas!


    I’m going cheat here and re-purpose my comment I left on Aussa’s blog because it is so appropriate for the subject matter at hand.

    A girl I hang out with says she and her friends encourage men to send naked pics to them so they can get together in a bar, share them, and laugh at the guys. They think men who forward pics of their dicks are, well…dicks.

    A few years ago, a girl following my blog who was much, much younger that I started writing to me offline because she thought I was a really good writer. Naturally, the pics followed soon thereafter. I couldn’t believe my dumb luck! She was beautiful! And much, much younger than I! (Have I mentioned that already?) Then, one day, she sent a video of herself masturbating and calling my name. While titillating and erotic, it also kind of freaked me out a bit. I can’t say I disapproved.



      I can’t believe you wrote so openly about this. I knew you had had such an encounter, because you mentioned it to me…offline.

      This deserves a post, this story. Now that it’s out in the open.

      Writing erotic things are one thing. But pictures, when unsolicited, can be very – assaulting.

      However, she was building up to the pics, in your situation. So, it’s not like you didn’t know her and just all of a sudden out of nowhere you got…pictures.

      The masturbation video is HOT. Also WEIRD. So I echo your sentiments in both being titillated and freaked out. But again, it was in the context of an established cyber relationship.

      Can you imagine how you’d feel if someone you never really knew sent you that video?

      BTW – as part of my PSA- it’s not just women who get these random pics.

      It’s girls. As young as 14. It breaks my heart that young boys send them. But they DO.

      Forewarned is forearmed, as they say…


        “Can you imagine how you’d feel if someone you never really knew sent you that video?”

        Guys think differently than girls. I’m pretty sure the majority of us would find it—dare I say?—a welcome distraction from the ordinary. The mundane. Calls to the house would be a different matter entirely. That’d be cause for alarm.


        Well, yes. Men are more visually stimulated than women.

        But even if you didn’t find her attractive? Would that be a welcome distraction, or would it be just gross? Inquiring minds want to know…

        Because men who send them unsolicited are typically men we would never be attracted to.


        And I can assure you that I will NEVER, EVER blog about this. I have family members who read my blog and there’s no way in hell I want them to know this happened. It’s safe here and at Aussa’s place because they don’t know you guys exist. It is, most certainly, not out in the open.


        I feel you. That’s why I blog anonymously.

        But I think it’s brave that you have family members who read your blog. From time to time, your posts, especially from back in your early NYC days, have been kinda edgy.


        I tip-toe up to a line but I never step over it. There’s so much more I’d like to write about but I simply can’t have family members reading some things. I leave it to your imagination as to what I’m leaving out.

        My last post is another NYC outdoor art installation thrill ride with pics. Read it and weep for what is no longer a part of our lives.


        I simultaneously love and hate all of those NYC posts of yours.

        But, NYC is very much still a part of your life. You’re there daily.

        Me? Monthly. Maybe, twice monthly. I have to ensure my son knows that art and culture exist.

        Can’t wait to read your post. An Exile post, yippee, yay!!! Great way to start my morning!!!


    I sent a dick pic!

    To an intermittent lover, when I’d been away for months. I got super horny while writing a letter so when starting the next sheet I traced around my penis. It came out huge because of the added thickness of the pen, and the pen was wobbly so the drawing was knobbly. The surrounding area was filled with more writing.

    I thought it was pretty funny but unfortunately the letter found her in a bad state, she was horrified and it took a while to recover when I did get back to her end of the country.

    What you have described is dick-headedness. A form of sexual assault really. Is that illegal where you are?

    One disembodied penis is unfortunate. Two is starting to look like carelessness in your choice of dates. Or your behaviour. What were you wearing? 😉

    Or maybe we are old and out of touch, and random dick-sending is now as acceptable as gratuitous misspelling and phone phobia. I’ll try to take a nice pic to have ready for when I get a smartphone.


    I’m dressing mine up like the cast of the Big Bang Theory. You know…irony.

    ceruleanstarshine March 19, 2014 at 11:00 am

    OK, so this one time, when I was a teenager hanging out with my best friend at McDonalds…this group of dudes was talking smack and this guy came over to our table, whipped out his junk, and slapped it on the table. My best friend, having been trained by her prison guard mother to be unshockable, flicked it with her finger and was like “THAT’S IT????” Then the two of us bailed, obviously, because perverts–but the story still makes me laugh, all these years later.

    So you never know. Some guys are just crazy enough to whip it out and start waving it at you in public places. Usually the ones who you *really* would prefer not to see.


    You’re killing me with the knitting pics!! Thanks for the laughs. I still laugh at the word penis. Lol


    Damn, my next email to you was gonna have a selfie. Glad I read this first…


    Once again I am ashamed to be a man… First of all, I know that this is a stupid idea. It is childish and more than a little creepy. To do it with a person you are having a relationship with might be barely acceptable in some circumcisions… uh… circumstances. But sending one to someone you barely know is stupid and should be illegal. The thing is, I think some guys do it for themselves. Which is even creepier. Like exposing yourself on a bus.


    You just out of context penised me. But I cant stay mad at anything in a tiny outfit. Besides, they look like hairless mole rats.


    #1 There is a tumblr site called unintentional penis. And Maxim magazine used to have a segment too.
    #2 Everything looks like a penis. Gooey ducks, sea cucumbers, cacti, mushrooms. The list goes on.
    You should check out that website.


      Tumblr has the most bizarre shit.

      I was facebook chatting with some bloggers one night. And they didn’t know what Tumblr was.

      I explained that although it seems like a perfectly normal social media site for photos, if you hang out on it – like I do, because I’m on insomniac- you can find some of the weirdest, most disturbing shiz ever!


      Okay. I CANNOT find that site lol!!

      Do I have to look somewhere specific? I’m serious; I’m just on the regular tumblr site. I have trouble navigating tumblr.


      Found it.



    I’m dying with laughter here!!! What a great post! 🙂 And I love those little outfits! You made my day. 🙂


      I’m so happy I made you laugh! Yes, those outfits are fantastic – I wish I knew how to knit, so I could whip up a few of those for Christmas!



    Ok the comments on here have been hilarious. I love this post. I also really love that you mentioned (a little in jest) that a picture of boobs might turn you on. 🙂
    I’ve never received an unsolicited dick pick, but I’ve had my share sexting. My husband and I were separated for a year while waiting on his visa. It’s amazing how creative you can be.

    This post really made my day! You’re a sexy beast.


      Thank you for the high praise, blog sistah!

      I do not hide the fact that women turn me on. And, um, I have been known to fall in love with one or two. And even *gasp* be in a relationship with them.

      But 1. I prefer men, in general and 2. Women are way too fucking confusing. Talk, talk, talk about our FEELINGS all the time, And then we cycle together, and get our periods at the same time, and
      THAT’S a fucking nightmare.

      The Sexy She-Beast

        Deanna Herrmann March 20, 2014 at 12:18 pm

        Women are gorgeous. Plain and simple. I’m right there with you although no relationships here. Lots of kissing though! 🙂 HAHA! Women are definitely too much work!


    I was dating a guy who was constantly offering to send me dick pics, I kept trying to politely decline by making up excuses like, “Ahhh well I’m at work might not be aprops right now,” but the reality was I just didn’t want to see it. I’d see his dick in real life regularly I had no desire what so ever to have a photo of it on my phone. At least I was dating him and I’d seen it in real life. Worse are the real unsolicited ones, like you said, you can’t unsee a dic pic. Also, I just can’t imagine sending a photo of my flaps to a man I had never met! I don’t get it.


    Is this the first of your posts I’ve read? (Can’t recall… More synapses fail daily.) I wish I had time to read them all! What fun! How trippingly the perfect phrasing falls from your flippant fingers! I will be back, at some point, when my increasingly-senile self remembers.

    BTW: Know we just met and all, but…should you happen to run into that guy who would draw a smiley face on his main-reason-I’m-still-straight bit, c’n you send him my way? I think he’s my soulmate. My one and only tat… uh… Redo: I draw on my hormone patches. . Last week, it was a Bear Queen. Yet my Fang STILL thinks he rules, naked or clothed. And I’m sure if he could ever figure out how to use his smartphone, I’d get my first-ever dick pic As if his permanently-mounted wondertoy isn’t waved proudly in my face often enough already.

    Mens is weird..

    Thanks again for a great time from a great post!


      YOU are fun!!

      Who is Fang? What is Bear Queen? Do I need more caffeine to keep up?

      Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the general hilarity and chaos. Much appreciated.



    This post is EPIC…so funny and I have had these same thoughts and conversations before. Here are my conversations when I get Twitter DM dick pics:
    Is that yours?
    Prove it!
    Write my name Hasty on it and snap another!

    I swear if I ever actually get some that have my name on them I am going to publish a coffee book of them 🙂


      Hi Sister Wife!

      Why do you get twitter dic pics? Because you’re beautiful and you tweet romantic stuff?

      I don’t get that yet. I’ve only been on twitter 2 weeks. Maybe in time?…


        I get asked that a lot. I used to have a desktop background of my legs in fishnets and high heels…I changed it when I rec’d a follower with a strange profile pic that upon further inspection was a scrotum. I think I just have a lot of sex type followers on twitter and then there are those guys that just troll avi pics. I have a habit of following everyone that follows me so I guess that is like saying “hey baby….I wanna see you full salute”


    Great post! I just got dick pic-ed the other day with an accompanying message “Miss me?” Seriously? All I could think about was “What if my 5 year old daughter was playing a game on my phone when that dick pic popped up??”


      You SEE what I mean???

      THAT is exactly what I’m talking about. Ugh.

      I need to check out your ink! Your gravatar is hot!

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Welcome! Look around! I’m so happy we found each other.


    The ‘dick pic’ is hilarious to those who worship their own. I can imagine they stand in front of a mirror and gently stroke their magic wand, like a jacked up Harry Potter. However his girlfriend had one foot in reality and she her own wand named ‘Bob’. sorry crazy take, lol


    I agree with point no. 2
    Thank god, I thought I was the only one! Phew!


    Get this: not only did I get an unsolicited dick pic, but I got it from a stranger. They sent it using the AirDrop setting on their phone. It was pretty traumatizing (and let’s face it, also kind of a hilarious story) if you want to hear about it: (it was also featured on XOjane!)


    Thank you for the link to my blog!
    Great pics, right?

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