Are your days jam packed with kids and work, avoiding the gym, and maintaining your drinking habit? Don’t let your beauty routine drag you down!
Even if you’re as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kissing contest, you still need to look good, right?
After all, none of our accomplishments matter if we’re not pretty!
HAIR
Women are always trying to achieve beautiful hair on what’s known as “second day” hair; or in my case, “sixth day” hair. The best way to achieve this is to NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.
I washed my hair yesterday. It came out so good, I’m not going anywhere for as long as humanly possible.
Eventually, I’m going to have to leave the house. By that time my hair will be totally janked up. You can purchase dry shampoo, but there are plenty of household ingredients that work just as well. Flour, cornstarch, cocoa powder (if you have dark hair.) Rub that kludge in your scalp. Go on, don’t be bashful! Dump it on!
After a week or two of this your hair will look like a hedgehog that somehow managed to survive a nuclear holocaust, but by then you have enough crap in it to bake a chocolate cake. This will make you forget about how nastified your hair is, ummm, cake!
I also wear hats frequently. Baseball hats and beanies are my favorite, but in a pinch I’ll wear a cowboy hat or a sombrero, if I happen to wake up in Mexico.
Placenta is known to be really good for the hair. It’s expensive, and the stores try to sell you nasty animal placenta. Unless you want to grow a sheep out of your head, use HUMAN placenta. After you or a friend give birth, grab hold of that swag and massage into your scalp.
If you’re really having a supremely shitty hair day, wear a low-cut blouse.
MAKE UP
The “smokey eye” is a coveted sultry eye makeup look. The best way to attain this look is to pass out without washing your eye makeup off.
If you wake up with disgusting clumps of black sludge on your lashes, smear that shit out for extra sexy. If I had a dollar for every day I wore last night’s eye makeup, I’d be wearing expensive left over makeup the next morning.
The same goes for your entire face. If I’m going to put in the effort to do my makeup, you better believe it’s going to last for at least two days. Washing your face every night just means you have to start all over again in the morning. Ain’t nobody got time for that!
You can never put on enough concealer. My under eyes have that “meth addict with eyeball anemia” look.
Kylie Jenner started a trend where girls try to copy her ‘celebrity pout’ without surgery or fillers. The process involves sucking into a cup or glass.
Huh! I’ve been doing this for YEARS. I use a vacuum cleaner hose, which bursts blood vessels quite nicely. It causes paralysis, but nothing permanent. As an alternative, you can always go for the Blow Job pout.
If that doesn’t leave you with puffy, plumped up lips, then you have done the Writer’s Job – which has no payoff.
ANAL BLEACH
Don’t knock if you haven’t tried it! This is a real game changer.
Clorox is a tad too harsh for us gals with sensitive butt holes, so you can smear whitening toothpaste up your ass. I’ve bleached my ham flower until it glows in the dark.
It serves a dual purpose, since we lose power frequently during rainstorms. I can find my way around the in the dark by walking backwards and bent over.
SKIN
Exfoliation is super important. I get the really cheap washclothes at Walmart, the ones like sandpaper, and rub them over my face until it bleeds lightly. Alternatively, you can lie down and have a cat lick your face.
For a natural “rosy glow,” masturbate. It’s important to keep a purse size vibrator on you so you can get off on the fly.
The two absolute BEST things you can do for perfect skin? Dim lighting, and Photoshop.
PIT TRICKS
Who has time to shower every day? That’s excessive, isn’t it?
Once you get to the point where your underarms smell like Sasquatch’s nuts, use Wet Wipes. I use them for just about everything – to bathe, clean up after sex, remove chocolate stains from my shirt, clean up cat vomit – WET WIPES ARE LIFE ITSELF.
Hand sanitizer also works well for the pits. Roll on deodorant afterwards. Don’t be shy about doing this at work. The trick is to maintain FULL EYE CONTACT with a co-worker while reaching under your shirt.
As an alternative to using deodorant on the fly, you can use those perfume tester cards they give you in department stores. At least once a week, I go to the bathroom at work and rub one of these on my pits. This is best accompanied by a little soft crying over what your life has come to.
CLOTHING
Once you find a look that you love, stick with it – for decades! I’ve been wearing the same clothes since the 90’s. Furthermore, if you dislike people, you will avoid making any friends if you attend a PTO meeting looking like a Goth hobo.
A quick get ready morning tip: Wear the same clothes you slept in. Leggings and a tee shirt can be worn for several day/night cycles.
2nd day crotch stank is fixed by a spray of body spray or Febreze and a hair dryer. Spray first, then hang the pants around your knees and give them a good blast with the blow dryer. DO NOT attempt this without lowering your pants, or you will end up in the ER with a roasted vulva.
GAS
This is not quite a beauty hack, but it’s such a good tip, I had to include it. No one wants to fart in public, right? It’s not ladylike to smell like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burning tire.
So when you feel one coming on, do a little pelvic tilt. You will now trap that fart in your vagina, where your labia will keep it nestled indefinitely.
What are your favorite beauty hacks?
You know I’m not kidding about wearing the clothes I slept in, right?
Talk to me. I’m listening.
Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter so I can have friends without leaving the house.
You get my first laugh of the day. By laugh.. I mean a real hearty belly laugh. The dual purpose of anal bleaching also serves to help find your way around when you lose power. Hilarious! Spot on with the smokey eye makeup.
I agree with Rachel, I am dying over the anal bleaching having a dual purpose, your very own flesh light! So funny!
A busy girl has got to multitask, amirite?
I’m so glad I made you laugh!
Smokey eye makeup. Pffff! The third day is the best!
Gosh, when it comes to beauty control I’m just going about it all wrong…Except that hair bit. Fourth day hair is the best, so long as no one touches it. The recoil is truly unflattering.
“the recoil” hahahaha!
Well, you don’t let anyone touch it! Ewww!
LmfaOFF…fucking hilarious!!
Thank you for stopping by to read and comment. Glad you enjoyed!
HAHAH..these are great. God, I love you.
You know I’m sitting here in last night’s clothes about to go to the supermarket, right?
I don’t know how many days I have gone to do the daily tasks in yesterday’s clothes. I figure less times a week doing laundry=energy conservation. Win win!
Just take a shower in your clothes next time, and you can eliminate laundry altogether!
If I ever meet a sumo wrestler, I’m asking him to take a dump on a burning tire… beacause I HAVE to know how accurate that description is.
“It’s God’s little mystery, how your mind works,” my best friend loves to tell me.
Well, sometimes the Lord works in hysterical ways… 😉
Wow. We SO coulda been friends in the 90s… This was fkn HIGHlarious 😀
Wait – we could be friends NOW! (I’ve signed up for Portland OR job alerts from indeed.com 😉 )
hey, buddy! My other editor says it time to start the last book… so far… of my action/humor sci-fi series… waddaya think?
I don’t LIVE in Portland! I just visited there for Christmas.
I wish…
LOL I know. My reading comprehension is high (despite my online persona)
And I thought we were moving there together!? 😉
YES! We just have to wait for Little Dude to leave for college…
These are not tips from the 90s! I do these now!
I meant I was like that in the 90s
I’m like this NOW.
I have tried all these things and they didn’t help… sob…
You could also just stay drunk all the time. You look great, all the time. Because you can’t see anything!
I could just leave my glasses off… I tried the being drunk all the time thing, from when I was like 14 till I was in my 30’s…
Art, you can just use Photoshop for everything.
tried that too
I can, however, use old pictures of me from when I was gorgeous…
You’re still a handsome devil
oh, stop… wait… what am I saying?
Except he never Photoshopped my face on the body of a gladiator, as he promised!
Instead of a “Like” button at the end of your column, you should have a “LOVE” button – cause I loved this! I follow most of these suggestions because I work out of my home, so all of them are used at one time or another – well, maybe not the anal bleach – but certainly the others!
Try the anal bleach!
Oh, and I should mention that you should never under any circumstances think that just because you already have your pants down while drying them with a blow dryer, it’s a good time to finally release that stored fart.
Not unless you want to bleach out a thick layer of soot three seconds later and replace all the windows and other fragile objects in the room.
Are you saying that my heated farts would break all the windows?
That could be my superpower!
A warmed-up fart would be the least of your worries. What I’m saying is that the slightest spark in your blow dryer (from, say, a tiny hair of lint on the coil) could potentially detonate the fart. I don’t know how likely is that, but I wouldn’t want to find out.
My kid would love that.
“NJ Mother Blown Up By Detonated Fart”
I like to exfoliate at work using the toilet paper in my office’s bathroom. It’s free and it has the approximate texture of 80-grit sandpaper.
I wanted to write something like that sandpaper line!
But now you did…
I have the meth addict eyes mastered.
Good God this is fucking hysterical.
hey, it takes a LOT of concealer to look like a Red Carpet “don’t”!
Thanks for reading, Kim! xoxoxo
OMIGOD funny to die for! Roasted vulva. The next white meat.
Ok, THAT was a funny comment. Hahaha!!
I just asked Daddy if he wanted me to bleach my butt hole…No….thank goodness. Apparently it is presentable as is.
Awww, I’ll bet it is!
Anyway, welcome to my blog! I’m so happy you read and commented. xoxoxoxo
Me too!!!
AH! I so needed that lovely snortle-dogs-look-at-me-cray laugh! Thank YOU!
I had the same experience writing it. Laughter is the best! xoxoxo
I
Just
Love
You
So
Much.
I
Feel
The
Exact
Same
Way
About
You!
Ha,ha,ha,ha! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂
I’m always happy to see you here, chica, especially if I make you laugh! xoxoxo
Oh my. What a laugh. 😀 I will never run out of Wet Ones again.
None of Hollywood’s A-list actresses do! This is gold I’m giving you!
The smokey eye! I woke up with that look today because I was too lazy to take my makeup off last night! Love it!
See? And how much time did it save?
I know of what I speak!
Ham flower?!?! You frickin’ kill me.
It’s my new favorite expression.
Ham flower…I. Am. Dead.
It conjures up quite the image, doesn’t it?
Hilarious, as usual!
Well, THERE you are! Where ya been, hibernating for the winter? 🙂
Well frig’. How in the hell you manage to crank this stuff out in the middle of it all, is unreal. You definitely run LAPs around any comedic competition. Stellar.
Aha hahahaha!!
Laughter is the best medicine!, don’t you think??
Yes… and just when I was thinking I have nothing to laugh about, your page showed up in my reader.
I’m so happy I could make you laugh. Even for a little while. 💜
Super funny! Great read!
Thank you!!! xoxoxoxo
Very funny!
Thanks for stopping by! xoxoxoox
My pleasure. I will be back!
There’s that old chestnut about how nobody wants to see how laws and sausages are made–maybe we should add “beauty” to the list?
And the insides of eggrolls. I’ve seen it, and it ain’t pretty. You’d never eat an eggroll again if you saw it.
Pretty sure I knew this girl in high school. hahaha
Wait! I’m still LIKE this!!
If a girl wants to spend $5 or $10, the place that does my Brazilians actually sells roll-on anal bleach. They have before and after pictures on the box. That’s something you can’t unsee.
I tell ya, a glow-in-the-dark butthole really helps if you live in a heavy black-out area.
And by the way – EW. hahahahaha
You are one resourceful lady. My mum always told me to find a girl who can improvise rather than wasting money – I think she’d approve of you.
Mothers love me. I’m the perfect girl to bring home to Mum.