Samara’s Bad Ass Beauty Tips

February 23, 2016 — 84 Comments



Are your days jam packed with kids and work, avoiding the gym, and maintaining your drinking habit?  Don’t let your beauty routine drag you down!

Even if you’re as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kissing contest, you still need to look good, right?

After all, none of our accomplishments matter if we’re not pretty!



Women are always trying to achieve beautiful hair on what’s known as “second day” hair; or in my case, “sixth day” hair. The best way to achieve this is to NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

I washed my hair yesterday. It came out so good, I’m not going anywhere for as long as humanly possible.

Eventually, I’m going to have to leave the house. By that time my hair will be totally janked up. You can purchase dry shampoo, but there are plenty of household ingredients that work just as well. Flour, cornstarch, cocoa powder (if you have dark hair.) Rub that kludge in your scalp. Go on, don’t be bashful! Dump it on!

After a week or two of this your hair will look like a hedgehog that somehow managed to survive a nuclear holocaust, but by then you have enough crap in it to bake a chocolate cake. This will make you forget about how nastified your hair is, ummm, cake!

I also wear hats frequently. Baseball hats and beanies are my favorite, but in a pinch I’ll wear a cowboy hat or a sombrero, if I happen to wake up in Mexico.

Placenta is known to be really good for the hair. It’s expensive, and the stores try to sell you nasty animal placenta. Unless you want to grow a sheep out of your head, use HUMAN placenta. After you or a friend give birth, grab hold of that swag and massage into your scalp.

If you’re really having a supremely shitty hair day, wear a low-cut blouse.



The “smokey eye” is a coveted sultry eye makeup look. The best way to attain this look is to pass out without washing your eye makeup off.

If you wake up with disgusting clumps of black sludge on your lashes, smear that shit out for extra sexy. If I had a dollar for every day I wore last night’s eye makeup, I’d be wearing expensive left over makeup the next morning.

The same goes for your entire face. If I’m going to put in the effort to do my makeup, you better believe it’s going to last for at least two days. Washing your face every night just means you have to start all over again in the morning. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

You can never put on enough concealer. My under eyes have that “meth addict with eyeball anemia” look.

Kylie Jenner started a trend where girls try to copy her ‘celebrity pout’ without surgery or fillers. The process involves sucking into a cup or glass.

Huh! I’ve been doing this for YEARS. I use a vacuum cleaner hose, which bursts blood vessels quite nicely. It causes paralysis, but nothing permanent. As an alternative, you can always go for the Blow Job pout.

If that doesn’t leave you with puffy, plumped up lips, then you have done the Writer’s Job – which has no payoff.



Don’t knock if you haven’t tried it! This is a real game changer.

Clorox is a tad too harsh for us gals with sensitive butt holes, so you can smear whitening toothpaste up your ass. I’ve bleached my ham flower until it glows in the dark.

It serves a dual purpose, since we lose power frequently during rainstorms. I can find my way around the in the dark by walking backwards and bent over.



Exfoliation is super important. I get the really cheap washclothes at Walmart, the ones like sandpaper, and rub them over my face until it bleeds lightly. Alternatively, you can lie down and have a cat lick your face.

For a natural “rosy glow,” masturbate. It’s important to keep a purse size vibrator on you so you can get off on the fly.

The two absolute BEST things you can do for perfect skin? Dim lighting, and Photoshop.



Who has time to shower every day? That’s excessive, isn’t it?

Once you get to the point where your underarms smell like Sasquatch’s nuts, use Wet Wipes. I use them for just about everything – to bathe, clean up after sex, remove chocolate stains from my shirt, clean up cat vomit – WET WIPES ARE LIFE ITSELF.

Hand sanitizer also works well for the pits. Roll on deodorant afterwards. Don’t be shy about doing this at work. The trick is to maintain FULL EYE CONTACT with a co-worker while reaching under your shirt.

As an alternative to using deodorant on the fly, you can use those perfume tester cards they give you in department stores. At least once a week, I go to the bathroom at work and rub one of these on my pits. This is best accompanied by a little soft crying over what your life has come to.



Once you find a look that you love, stick with it – for decades! I’ve been wearing the same clothes since the 90’s. Furthermore, if you dislike people, you will avoid making any friends if you attend a PTO meeting looking like a Goth hobo.

A quick get ready morning tip: Wear the same clothes you slept in. Leggings and a tee shirt can be worn for several day/night cycles.

2nd day crotch stank is fixed by a spray of body spray or Febreze and a hair dryer. Spray first, then hang the pants around your knees and give them a good blast with the blow dryer. DO NOT attempt this without lowering your pants, or you will end up in the ER with a roasted vulva.



This is not quite a beauty hack, but it’s such a good tip, I had to include it. No one wants to fart in public, right? It’s not ladylike to smell like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burning tire.

So when you feel one coming on, do a little pelvic tilt. You will now trap that fart in your vagina, where your labia will keep it nestled indefinitely.


What are your favorite beauty hacks?
You know I’m not kidding about wearing the clothes I slept in, right?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 


Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter  so I can have friends without leaving the house. 

84 responses to Samara’s Bad Ass Beauty Tips


    You get my first laugh of the day. By laugh.. I mean a real hearty belly laugh. The dual purpose of anal bleaching also serves to help find your way around when you lose power. Hilarious! Spot on with the smokey eye makeup.


    Gosh, when it comes to beauty control I’m just going about it all wrong…Except that hair bit. Fourth day hair is the best, so long as no one touches it. The recoil is truly unflattering.


    LmfaOFF…fucking hilarious!!


    HAHAH..these are great. God, I love you.


    If I ever meet a sumo wrestler, I’m asking him to take a dump on a burning tire… beacause I HAVE to know how accurate that description is.


    Wow. We SO coulda been friends in the 90s… This was fkn HIGHlarious 😀


    I have tried all these things and they didn’t help… sob…


    Instead of a “Like” button at the end of your column, you should have a “LOVE” button – cause I loved this! I follow most of these suggestions because I work out of my home, so all of them are used at one time or another – well, maybe not the anal bleach – but certainly the others!


    Oh, and I should mention that you should never under any circumstances think that just because you already have your pants down while drying them with a blow dryer, it’s a good time to finally release that stored fart.
    Not unless you want to bleach out a thick layer of soot three seconds later and replace all the windows and other fragile objects in the room.


      Are you saying that my heated farts would break all the windows?
      That could be my superpower!


        A warmed-up fart would be the least of your worries. What I’m saying is that the slightest spark in your blow dryer (from, say, a tiny hair of lint on the coil) could potentially detonate the fart. I don’t know how likely is that, but I wouldn’t want to find out.


        My kid would love that.
        “NJ Mother Blown Up By Detonated Fart”


    I like to exfoliate at work using the toilet paper in my office’s bathroom. It’s free and it has the approximate texture of 80-grit sandpaper.


    I have the meth addict eyes mastered.

    Good God this is fucking hysterical.


    OMIGOD funny to die for! Roasted vulva. The next white meat.


    I just asked Daddy if he wanted me to bleach my butt hole…No….thank goodness. Apparently it is presentable as is.


    AH! I so needed that lovely snortle-dogs-look-at-me-cray laugh! Thank YOU!


    Ha,ha,ha,ha! Thanks for the laugh! 🙂


    Oh my. What a laugh. 😀 I will never run out of Wet Ones again.


    The smokey eye! I woke up with that look today because I was too lazy to take my makeup off last night! Love it!


    Ham flower?!?! You frickin’ kill me.


    Well frig’. How in the hell you manage to crank this stuff out in the middle of it all, is unreal. You definitely run LAPs around any comedic competition. Stellar.


    Super funny! Great read!


    There’s that old chestnut about how nobody wants to see how laws and sausages are made–maybe we should add “beauty” to the list?


    Pretty sure I knew this girl in high school. hahaha


    If a girl wants to spend $5 or $10, the place that does my Brazilians actually sells roll-on anal bleach. They have before and after pictures on the box. That’s something you can’t unsee.


    You are one resourceful lady. My mum always told me to find a girl who can improvise rather than wasting money – I think she’d approve of you.

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