Archives For Anal Bleaching

Drag-Queen-Eye-Makeup-photos

 

Are your days jam packed with kids and work, avoiding the gym, and maintaining your drinking habit?  Don’t let your beauty routine drag you down!

Even if you’re as busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kissing contest, you still need to look good, right?

After all, none of our accomplishments matter if we’re not pretty!

 

HAIR

Women are always trying to achieve beautiful hair on what’s known as “second day” hair; or in my case, “sixth day” hair. The best way to achieve this is to NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE.

I washed my hair yesterday. It came out so good, I’m not going anywhere for as long as humanly possible.

Eventually, I’m going to have to leave the house. By that time my hair will be totally janked up. You can purchase dry shampoo, but there are plenty of household ingredients that work just as well. Flour, cornstarch, cocoa powder (if you have dark hair.) Rub that kludge in your scalp. Go on, don’t be bashful! Dump it on!

After a week or two of this your hair will look like a hedgehog that somehow managed to survive a nuclear holocaust, but by then you have enough crap in it to bake a chocolate cake. This will make you forget about how nastified your hair is, ummm, cake!

I also wear hats frequently. Baseball hats and beanies are my favorite, but in a pinch I’ll wear a cowboy hat or a sombrero, if I happen to wake up in Mexico.

Placenta is known to be really good for the hair. It’s expensive, and the stores try to sell you nasty animal placenta. Unless you want to grow a sheep out of your head, use HUMAN placenta. After you or a friend give birth, grab hold of that swag and massage into your scalp.

If you’re really having a supremely shitty hair day, wear a low-cut blouse.

 

MAKE UP

The “smokey eye” is a coveted sultry eye makeup look. The best way to attain this look is to pass out without washing your eye makeup off.

If you wake up with disgusting clumps of black sludge on your lashes, smear that shit out for extra sexy. If I had a dollar for every day I wore last night’s eye makeup, I’d be wearing expensive left over makeup the next morning.

The same goes for your entire face. If I’m going to put in the effort to do my makeup, you better believe it’s going to last for at least two days. Washing your face every night just means you have to start all over again in the morning. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

You can never put on enough concealer. My under eyes have that “meth addict with eyeball anemia” look.

Kylie Jenner started a trend where girls try to copy her ‘celebrity pout’ without surgery or fillers. The process involves sucking into a cup or glass.

Huh! I’ve been doing this for YEARS. I use a vacuum cleaner hose, which bursts blood vessels quite nicely. It causes paralysis, but nothing permanent. As an alternative, you can always go for the Blow Job pout.

If that doesn’t leave you with puffy, plumped up lips, then you have done the Writer’s Job – which has no payoff.

 

ANAL BLEACH

Don’t knock if you haven’t tried it! This is a real game changer.

Clorox is a tad too harsh for us gals with sensitive butt holes, so you can smear whitening toothpaste up your ass. I’ve bleached my ham flower until it glows in the dark.

It serves a dual purpose, since we lose power frequently during rainstorms. I can find my way around the in the dark by walking backwards and bent over.

 

SKIN

Exfoliation is super important. I get the really cheap washclothes at Walmart, the ones like sandpaper, and rub them over my face until it bleeds lightly. Alternatively, you can lie down and have a cat lick your face.

For a natural “rosy glow,” masturbate. It’s important to keep a purse size vibrator on you so you can get off on the fly.

The two absolute BEST things you can do for perfect skin? Dim lighting, and Photoshop.

 

PIT TRICKS

Who has time to shower every day? That’s excessive, isn’t it?

Once you get to the point where your underarms smell like Sasquatch’s nuts, use Wet Wipes. I use them for just about everything – to bathe, clean up after sex, remove chocolate stains from my shirt, clean up cat vomit – WET WIPES ARE LIFE ITSELF.

Hand sanitizer also works well for the pits. Roll on deodorant afterwards. Don’t be shy about doing this at work. The trick is to maintain FULL EYE CONTACT with a co-worker while reaching under your shirt.

As an alternative to using deodorant on the fly, you can use those perfume tester cards they give you in department stores. At least once a week, I go to the bathroom at work and rub one of these on my pits. This is best accompanied by a little soft crying over what your life has come to.

 

CLOTHING

Once you find a look that you love, stick with it – for decades! I’ve been wearing the same clothes since the 90’s. Furthermore, if you dislike people, you will avoid making any friends if you attend a PTO meeting looking like a Goth hobo.

A quick get ready morning tip: Wear the same clothes you slept in. Leggings and a tee shirt can be worn for several day/night cycles.

2nd day crotch stank is fixed by a spray of body spray or Febreze and a hair dryer. Spray first, then hang the pants around your knees and give them a good blast with the blow dryer. DO NOT attempt this without lowering your pants, or you will end up in the ER with a roasted vulva.

 

GAS

This is not quite a beauty hack, but it’s such a good tip, I had to include it. No one wants to fart in public, right? It’s not ladylike to smell like a sumo wrestler took a dump on a burning tire.

So when you feel one coming on, do a little pelvic tilt. You will now trap that fart in your vagina, where your labia will keep it nestled indefinitely.

 

What are your favorite beauty hacks?
You know I’m not kidding about wearing the clothes I slept in, right?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

 

Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter  so I can have friends without leaving the house. 

Women Drivers SUCK

September 17, 2015 — 85 Comments
Dangerous Driving

\

Look, lady in the parking lot,

I understand the frenzied pace of your suburban itinerary, as you hurtle from Nordstrom’s Anniversary sale to an anal bleaching appointment.

So why don’t you put down the cell phone, and use BOTH hands to wrangle your tricked-out Yukon XL Denali out of a tight parking spot? You forked over a lotta money to have motorized cup holders and tri-zone climate control. Why risk banging up your land yacht?

I’ve never EVER seen a man pull that move

I’m not saying there are no bad male drivers. But I’ve NEVER witnessed a man multitask at the wheel that hard. Women are famous for their extra car-ricular activities.

To be fair, I have seen men shave on their way to work. And I once saw a man in a fur collared overcoat brushing his teeth while negotiating the Belt Parkway. But this was Brooklyn, where proof that evolution can go in reverse lives strong.

I’m guilty of multitasking at the wheel, but only for the essentials. Finding a suitable playlist on Spotify, or downloading porn.

Women also get territorial over desirable parking spots. Men don’t circle over parking spots like vultures hovering over a desert carcass. Parking lots at upscale supermarkets in suburbia are treacherous. Put a gaggle of frenzied housewives in a crowded parking lot at dinner time and it becomes the gladiator amphitheatre at Pompeii.

 

Since I am a woman, it begs the question, does my driving suck? Well, let’s just say I’m an “aggressive” driver. Not in a hostile way. In a “slice through traffic because I have places to go” kind of way.

I always seem to get stuck behind these kind of people:

What a nice and sunny day, Martha, let’s drive super slow and listen to Enya.”

But Harold, this woman behind us seem like she’s obviously in a hurry. Shouldn’t we rather pull over and have some tea instead, so she can pass?

Oh, fuck YOU, Martha. I’m sick of your shit. Fuck your tea in its fucking face.”

 

I’ve gotten into more than my share of accidents. Not because I’m careless as much as distracted. I have gotten into accidents pulling out of my own driveway on three separate occasions. All because I forgot to open the garage door first. Oopsie.

I also have a tendency to side swipe the garage door jamb as I’m backing out and clip the passenger side rear view mirror. I’ve ripped that sucker off a few times. It has been suggested to me that I have some issues with my spatial sense.

Which is why I’m known as being “hard” on cars. I would never drive recklessly, particularly if my kid is in the car. But I’m not a baby about banging up against a curb while parking at a strip mall. I have things to do! Slurpees to buy! It’s just the front bumper of my car. It will survive.

 

I actually love to drive. I got my first car when I was 30,  which is also when I learned to drive. As a teenager, my first car was the bus.

Living in New York, there’s really very little need to own a car. My Ex got me my first car for Christmas when we were dating, so I could drive to his house in New Jersey. I went to driving school in the city, so I drive like a New Yorker. Which means I ignore lanes and cuss like an Armenian taxi driver.

I’m also a virtuoso parallel parker. That’s the only kind of parking that exists in Manhattan. Why do all the suburbanites get their dicks in a blender over parallel parking? How hard is it to:
1. Pull up next to the car in front of the spot.

2. Back up, aiming for the center of the spot.

3. Once your car is actually pointed at the center of the spot, straighten out.

It’s easy peezy, lemon squeezey. Why must Drivers Ed make a Wagnerian epic out of parallel parking, complete with those whore cones in some byzantine configuraion?

 

Perhaps women would get better at driving if they actually DROVE places. The majority of suburban women I know will drive locally, but that’s about it.

If I mention that I’m driving into the city with Little Dude for the day, women will ask me, “Alone?”

“No. I just said, I’m taking my kid.”  “But you’re driving YOURSELF? No MAN is driving you?”

 

What IS that? Is that some kind of learned helplessness? This whole phenomenon where women don’t want to drive long distances? It unnerves them if they have to drive over a bridge OMG and get on major highways.

Does having a labia prevent you from merging onto a highway?

I’ve driven long distances countless times. I can do the drive from New Jersey to Boston, which is where my BFF lives, with my eyes closed. As a matter of fact, I’ve driven it with my eyes closed.

Driving is freedom. I can throw my kid in the car, put on music, and go anywhere. I’ve done road trips as far as from New York to Florida. It’s unthinkable to me to depend on a Y chromosone to get places.

 

The idea that women drivers suck is not just a stereotype; or if it is, well, stereotypes exist for a reason, don’t they? It’s a globe trotting cliche. In South Korea, there are female – only parking spots, which are wider. They’re also outlined in pink and have a miniskirt logo.

 

People speculate constantly as to why men appear to be better drivers than women. One common belief is that men are better at focusing on a single task, while women are the better multi-taskers. although, not actually IN the car. There’s also the theory that men have a better spatial sense, which works for me and that ever widening smear of white garage paint on my front right bumper.

Personally, I think men are better drivers because they tend to enjoy the actual task of driving, whereas women just want to get to wherever they’re going. For men, it’s a journey. For women, it’s a destination.

In other words, it’s the opposite of how both genders feel about sex.

 

Do you think women drivers suck? How good of a driver are you?
Can you parallel park?
Are there any warrants for your arrest for unpaid traffic tickets?
Talk to me. I’m listening.