Tara, the fabulous blogger over at Love From Tara nominated me for the Sunshine Blogger Award.
Wait – Tara – do you mean me? Samara, who posts about strip clubs? Blow Jobs? Heroin?
Okay! Just checking.
Well, I’ll gladly accept it, since 2013 was officially the year “God Fucked Me in the Ass Without Lube.”
Before I begin, a New Year’s note to anyone who honors me by reading this blog:
Dear WordPress family:
Thank you all for the love. Little Dude and I are here, rocking out to New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He loves so very many of you.
Last night, I saw Patti Smith perform. She preached to us, Patti punk-rock-priestess style, that even in this harsh economic time, no one need suffer from intellectual poverty. She had the audience in a frenzy, commanding that we all strive
TO PLAY. TO HAVE JOY. TO HAVE IMAGINATION. TO BE FREE!
I fiercely wish this for all of you in 2014.
—
Ahh, my award. These awards are awesome. I somehow got passed on the “I Gave a BlowJob Outside The Holland Tunnel” blog award. Also missed the “Do You Think An Elephant Can Use a Fluffy Cat as a Tampon” blog award.
The rules for these awards are so damn complicated. First, nominate 85 bloggers. Coordinate your reproductive cycles so that you are all menstruating simultaneously. Line up 11 infants on mattresses, dress as the devil and practice El Colacho – baby jumping.
WordPress Baby Jump Blog Award
The Sunshine Award Rules:
- Post a picture of the Sunshine Award
- Post 11 random facts about yourself
- Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
- Nominate 11 bloggers.
- Write 11 questions for them to answer
- Let the nominated blogger(s) know you have nominated them
11 random facts? Pull up a chair, home slice. This is my 15 minutes and I’m gonna work it like a whore in navy yard.
This is Your Big Chance to find out all about “The Weirdness That is Samara. Don’t miss it!
1. I was the only girl in a family with five brothers, all of them older than me. During the 1970’s, there was so much sperm flung around our apartment it was like living in the Monkey House at the Bronx Zoo.
2. I am a really good shoplifter. I don’t do it anymore, because I wouldn’t want to get caught and have them call my 10-year-old kid to come get me. I’d give some pointers, but I don’t want to go and get Freshly Pressed or anything.
3. I love to bake. If I love love love you, I’ll bake for you. I have baked theme cakes for everything from SpongeBob to dildos. Including a SpongeBob dildo cake.
Parenting at its best
4. I get intense girl crushes. I have one simultaneously on bloggers Jen and Tonic and Jennie Saia. I love that they have the same name. In my Walter Mitty day dream, we’re doing a science fair project that involves snakes covered in Vaseline. When I breathily mutter “oh, Jennie” at them, it could be either one of them. Damn convenient.
5. I had a pet chicken when I was in high school. I named him Dr. Feddy. He was a chick that accidentally hatched in the biology lab. I used to let him run around in the bathtub for exercise. When he started all that cock-a-doodle-dooing at dawn, my mom brought him to a farm to live.
I just realized my mom was a lying hooker.
Just your everyday normal dude with his pet chicken
6. I love using completely outdated rap expressions. They especially annoy Little Dude.
“Boo, you better break yourself, cause that is some chickenhead move! Finish your homework so we can go to Gamestop and get flossy, dude! No diggity!
Translation: Honey, please stop trying to set the house on fire. It’s ill advised. If you finish your homework, we’ll go to Gamestop and buy you the inane video games that prompt you to arson to begin with. I promise.
Flossy – The lesser known and unloved cousin of “jiggy.” Used to express one’s burning desire to be Flashy and Showy, while simultaneously reminding white folks about the importance of routine dental care.
7. I have terrible motion sickness. Growing up, the Lying Hooker kept a pail in our station wagon for me to hurl in when I got car sick. To this day, I can’t go on rides. Once, when I was a kid, some family took me on “Rent A Poor Kid Day” to a theme park, and I threw up 17 times.
I wish I looked this good on Rent a Poor Kid Day
8. I am convinced that it is utterly against nature and biology for a man to be monogamous. Men are hunters. Those that can actually stay faithful are kings among men. But it truly goes against their nature.
When I got married, I told The Ex, just don’t come home with your penile instrument oozing Chlamydia and we’re good. Don’t get sloppy and let me find out. Don’t get all warm and fuzzy on NyQuil when you’re sick and feel you have to bare your soul to me. What I don’t know, won’t hurt me.
What will hurt me will be if you spend money on the bitch. And that will hurt you, too, cause then I will cut off your dick.
9. I broke the record for longest labor at my hospital before giving birth to Little Dude. I was in labor for 36 hours. He just didn’t want to come out.
Men really seem to dig it up inside my uterus.
10. I love math.
11. I LOSE IT when I get stuck in voice prompt purgatory. It is actually the Tenth Circle of Dante’s Hell from which there is no exit. I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR THIS NONSENSE.
“Please listen carefully to our menu options as they have changed” is a WHORE. They’re all changing their menu options daily and I can’t even find a clean bra. Who is responsible for this? I will personally give that person a project girl beat-down. When trapped in the Tenth Circle I start drooling and chant REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE.
And the QUESTIONS:
1. What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning?
Make espresso. Twice. I have a 10 year old with ADHD.
He vaults out of bed like someone shoved a spring loaded tampon up his ass.
He talks until my ears bleed. The best way to protect myself from this verbal onslaught is a Passover wine/ Oxycodone cocktail, but then I have trouble navigating the drop off loop at his school. And we walk, so you can imagine my confusion.
2. What is your greatest fear?
Poverty. I grew up in a shitty housing project. Cinderblock and chain-link fenced in terraces give me full blown panic attacks.
Fuck you, we had an elephant. Thanks, Le Clown.
4. What is your favorite song at the moment?
I’ve been pre-gaming for weeks because I went to see Patti Smith last night. So it’s all Patti Smith songs. She’s the High Priestess of Rock and Roll. if you don’t know her, google her right now. This Instant. I mean. it. Stop reading right now and listen to her immediately. There is nothing on this blog as important as her music.
5. What is your favorite childhood memory?
One time, my brothers and I were up on our shitty chain linked in balcony, throwing water balloons at people going to church on Easter. It was hilarious! And this one woman started screaming at us, “you’re all going to Hell!” Then, my mom came home and beat the shit out of us and…
I don’t think that’s what you had in mind.
Wait, this one has a heroic twist to it. My brother and I were playing at the top of a muddy, rainy hill behind the school. All of a sudden, we spotted the neighborhood Bad Man coming towards us. He’d been to jail for killing somebody – two somebodies, in fact. And he was trudging up the hill, towards us.
My brother stood in front of me and yelled, “Don’t you come near us!” Very brave. When the Bad Man got to the top of the hill, my brother kicked this guy in his head HARD, and he slid all the way down the hill. And we took off running. But when we looked back, he’d gotten up and was just walking back up, with that same plodding pace, like the true sociopath he was.
Somehow, I don’t think this is what you were looking for, either. But this is what I got.
6. Facebook or Twitter?
WordPress.
7. What did the last text message you received say?
“Sex with a cougar does z not good! Fuck auto correct!”
My best friend’s brother is getting a divorce. He’s hot. He’s coming to visit, and I offered to umm, make him feel a little better about his divorce. He’s 4 years younger than me. My friend was trying to say, “sex with a cougar does a boy good.” Who invented autocorrect anyway? It’s the same idiot who keeps changing the motherfucking menu options.
8. What bugs you the most?
Racism.
9. What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house?
My TMJ retainer. My dentist is freaking out because I grind my teeth to nubs. I’m supposed to wear it every night. I never do. But it cost a lot of money, so I’m going to say it’s important.
TMJ – A REAL BLOW JOB BUZZ KILL
10. If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room, what would it be?
That’s a really bizarre question. Do I get entrance applause also?
11. What’s your favorite movie quote?
I am a bona fide movie addict, so that’s really hard. Tonight, I’ll give you this gem from from Pulp Fiction:
Mia Wallace, played by Uma Thurman, asks Vincent Vega, John Travolta,
“In conversation, do you listen, or wait to talk?”
The only reason to get married is to do this as your first dance
I’m only nominating 2 blogs. For their questions, they have to answer the same 11 ones I did.
Busted Flip Flops and Janie Doh are both smart, funny lady bloggers. I love smart, funny chicks. Give these ladies a read!
Tell me all about your weirdness. Talk to me. I’m listening.
A Buick in the Land of Lexus 
Oh Samara, thank you for the lovely award. Out of all the other great bloggers you must have come across lately, I am honored that you even thought of lil old me. I can’t believe how many questions/answers go into receiving it though, oh my! Reading your post I think we have a lot more in common than I originally thought. I also love to bake but I’m a horrible cook, I swear in front of my kid way too much, and I often don’t follow doctors orders, among other things. Looks like I have a looooot of blogging ahead of me today. I wish I had some Spongebob blowjob cake to tide me over through all the writing…
Happy New Year, Janie girl!
I can assure you, most bloggers give one sentence answers. I went hog wild crazy; it was my 15 minutes of fame.
Check out some of the other award posts – you’ll see, it doesn’t have to be complicated.
Also, I was nominated ages ago, and it looked like so much work I put it off for weeks!!
love you! have fun!!
Congrats on the praise, my friend!
Keep up the good – and naughty – work!
I’m not always naughty. Sometimes I’m very, very good. Sometimes I’m deep and profound.
It makes it very hard to get dressed in the morning.
Congrats on the award. I suck at them, but do appreciate others who take them semi-seriously, especially when I learn a little bit about them. Happy New Year and who gives a fuck if you curse in front of the kids a little bit? They’re hearing it with or without you saying it and they may as well know how to curse properly. Driving is my Achilles heel with that as well…
happy new year, handsome!
it took me a month to finally do something about it – but i mostly wanted to have fun with it- my posts are too serious!!
yay to road rage!!
Another classic post grasshopper!
You honor me with reading, Master P.
I must visit your blog.I have been trying to catch up on blog reading.
There are so many blogs,so little time.
Happy New Year.
Did you have a fun one?
Ahhh Grasshopper. Yes I did. I hope your New Year will be a jumping point for greater things for you. My resolution is to live in the moment.. hh
My word for 2014 is freedom.
Very good! Freedom from regrets and shoulda woulda coulda’s! Very wise!
Freedom from mental anguish.
Freedom from those voices that say, “you’re not good enough.”
Freedom from the past.
Financial freedom; mental freedom; physical freedom; spiritual freedom; intellectual freedom.
All of it.
Yes Grasshopper.. That is the only way to happiness.. Today is today…
Are you not tired of those voices that say you are less than? Are you not tired of the drum beat of you shoulda coulda woulda… You are on the path to happiness… Peace be in you young grasshopper.
Congrats!! Fun post. I hear you on the cussing. My 9yo has a cuss jar for me to put money in every time I *slip*. That kid’s got his damn college paid for already….
The Bad Word Jar. Filled to the brim. I feel you, sister.
Happy New Year, you gorgeous blonde, you.
Do anything fun for New Year’s?
We spent it with good friends. Good food. Good wine. A lot of laughs. What could be better? I’m a lucky lady.
You are. And just the fact that you feel gratitude for that, makes you really, really special.
love you bethie girl,
samara
This was a fun read. I enjoyed learning more about you, Samara. Maybe next time it’ll be my turn.
Have you never gotten an award? I just assumed you had! I only gave it to the two new bloggers. I will gladly nominate you as well. Please, tell me Cimmy. My pleasure to do so.
I’ve never gotten an award. I just assumed my blog was too boring.
Bullshit!
I only passed on the award to the only bloggers I know who have been blogging less than I have. I didn’t want to give it to anyone who has blogged for a while, because 1. they’re a lot of work and 2. I don’t know who’s already gotten what.
Many bloggers receive and don’t actually follow up on the rules.
Consider yourself sunshined. Award details to follow. Love you.
God fucked you in the ass without lube? Then how did he also damn you to be adorable?
Did I ask you about the Sick Fuck club yet? I mean, damn, girl, you’re already a charter member! Cimmy just said so, too (no matter how innocent her comment seemed).
Weirdness #3: I remember discussing that with you, the love of baking. No Spongedumb Dildo on the Lamepants cakes, though. He’s annoying enough without a dildo. I’m not humping any cakes or American Pies, either.
Weirdness #6: Chickenhead? I thought the base expression was “chickenshit”. Dunno if it’s specifically “Ghetto Ebonic” or not– you have a better knowledge of that than me. Oh, and I actually understood all that lingo… not sure of the significance of that.
Weirdness #8: I’m just a repressed beta male, hun, that’s not even heterosexual. I was full-on bred to be domestic, so I’m not aware of any hunter instincts, specifically. No, I’m not a king among men, either. Let me say simply that past is closed, and I’m loathe to talk about it because society is witheringly caustic about such, even today.
Weirdness #11: True, true.
Question #3: Did I say my daughter chooses NOT to swear despite my salt-laced profanity spews? She’s going places, I tell ya.
Question #4: okay, okay, was listening to a 1978 vid of “Horses & Hey Joe”, and then a recent clip of “Because The Night”, which Cimmy recognized instantly. Best we can do over here is Joan Jett.
okay, this comment is way too long, but you had a way long post! Hard to respond to what all I want to…
Jak-
Thank you for saying I am adorable!! I love being adorable! People do say that – not sweet. But I get “adorable.”
I know we love baking.
Yes, it’s “chickenhead” boo! Check yourself, homey!
Beta is cool. Alpha, beta, sigma, pi – it’s all good.
I LOVE THAT YOU KNOW THE PATTI VERSION OF HEY JOE – IT IS THE SINGLE THAT CHANGED MY LIFE.
I was 11 years old. My brother gave me that 45 record. I put it on the stereo, and out came…
“Honey – the way you play guitar, makes me feel so, makes me feel so, masochistic, the way you go down low deep into the neck…”
Holy Fuck. I was NEVER THE SAME.
well, I don’t know about know, but, it was still good stuff. Hard to say. 1978 for me (being all of three and four years old) tended to be chock-full of light/smooth rock on the radio; punk was absolutely unknown as far as I remember. My parents thought the radio was a pretty good babysitter.
I heard that single in 1980 for the first time. I didn’t really understand it, but I loved it.
Radio probably was a good babysitter, better than tv. Music is life. Television is furniture.
Did I just make that up? I love that!
What about (old-school) MTV? YouTube? We like to have the kids dance to music videos, sometimes.
Normally I would love that too but we can use TV at times to get them to move. Many mornings, LazyTown’s “Wake Up” was the best thing to get my son to leap out of bed for school.
Love dancing with my kid. We just listen to Spotify, although he likes YouTube.
Did you know your wife was also a lil’ ray of sunshine? look at her comment section.
She’s the sweetest!
Yeah, she is!
One example I like to mention is when I was going to physiotherapy– one day, she decided to prune some blooms off our rose bushes, put it into a vase, and send it off to the women working the front desk. Boy they sure appreciated that! They sent the vase back with a very tender thank-you note, and one of the physiotherapists mentioned it later to some other patients during one of my sessions.
Thank you too for acknowledging Cimmy’s blogging– I know she really appreciates it.
I would have given it to her originally, I didn’t know she hadn’t gotten one.
I specifically looked to give it to new bloggers who I thought could use an audience. Not that I’m not new – I’m still new. I need an audience! But, they’re even newer.
Yep, I follow.
Cimmy and I are still relatively new to WordPress even after blogging for so long. VOX and LiveJournal were more enclosed communities, and coming to WordPress was like going from the kiddie pool to Olympic size.
Congrats on the award!
Ah, road rage, how I love thee. Honestly, I think I’m swearing more now that the Little Prince is around than I ever used to. I wonder if that’s because of the lack of sleep, or the general increase in stress, or just because now there is another “guy” in the house and I’m adapting to that. 😉
Happy New Year! Freedom seems like a pretty good word for the year to me.
You know about me and road rage, matticus! We’ve discussed it before!
Kids are amazing – they add so much joy, and also stress. Like most things in life. A mixed blessing. But the good far outweighs the bad.
I feel a little bad for the Queen. Because in a few years, unless she pushes out a Little Princess quick, she will be overrun by the testosterone in your house. It will start when the Little Prince is about 4. Get ready.
To Freedom!!
To freedom!! 😀 I like that as our new rally cry. We should remember it when we go troll hunting.
I think the Queen would definitely like a Little Princess to balance things out… but, not for a very long time. She’s still recovering from the Little Prince.
Side note that I forget to mention the first time around – my dentist has also commented on how much I’m wearing my teeth down. I’ve been wearing a night guard for a couple years now (almost every night) and there are places where I’ve almost completely worn it away. Which is sad, because they are crazy expensive… but, good to know I’m doing that damage to the piece of plastic instead of my teeth. So… wear yours!!! Okay, Matticus advice over.
OMG – same here! I had the worst toothache on christmas, I thought I had a cavity. When i got home from college BFF, the dentist said, nope, you’re just grinding your teeth to nubs! Again! wear that appliance!
Yes, we waited till Little Dude was 3 to start again. But unfortunately, things happened to my marriage. So I have one child. One is not enough. If I had my choice, I think 3 is the right amount,
But at 4, my son was farting and running around and yelling and there was so much male energy in my house is was ridiculous!
There’s still a lot of male energy in my house – he’s enough boy for 3 boys. And I suppose I have male energy. I’ve been told.
Troll Hunting!!! To Freedom! (I’ve never had any trolls on my blog, have you?)
No trolls to speak of… and I complained about it to a friend. (John of johnbalaya.wordpress.com) Because you haven’t really “made it” until you’ve pissed someone off, right? Or, maybe pissed off isn’t the right way to say it… but you need to have someone stalking you in a negative fashion to know you’ve reached a broad audience… so, he felt sorry for me, and sent me some trolls. They now hang out on the sidebar of my main page. They are cute. 😀
Yes, male energy abounds. My poor mom had 3 boys basically, my brother, me, and my dad. That was enough for her. Sometimes that was too much.
That makes me want to come and hang out with your mom and go shopping and get our nails done and stuff. girlie stuff. Stuff she could never ever do with you. Goddammit, I can’t even buy Little Dude cute clothes (although now he dresses cool, which is great, but I had to wait 10 years)
What? We buy the Little Prince all sorts of cute clothes!! You’ve seen the pictures, you know it to be true! 😉
I’ll let my mom know she has a partner in crime if she ever wants to do “girlie stuff.”
You know…
…
like shoplifting. 😉
See what you did there!!
Yes, boy clothes are cute, but girls have all the hair ribbons and leggings and bangles and bows and little matching purses…
Here’s a freakish image for 2014: me and your mom, shoplifting clothes for the Little Prince! hahahahaha
Freakish image? I don’t know… it kind of sounds like fun. Just don’t get caught. 😛
Princess (our first) and Boy are 5 years apart. By the way, we call her “Princess” online because it corresponds to her name, not because she’s a diva. She’s pretty full-on tomboy, much like her mother, and she has a vendetta against pink.
Boy is sweetness wrapped in rough-and-tumble. Even his schoolteacher said he was “all boy”, although I don’t think that accounts enough for his affable, Chatty Charlie inner demeanor. He is not shy at all and seems to chat up everyone– I used to think he was growing into a mack daddy, but he’s just friendly.
mack daddy! now you know I love me some old rap slang – but from where I come from, that’s pimpalicious!
Do you just mean chatting up all the girls?
I’m fully aware of the sexual innuendo.
When we had a family membership at one of the main gyms/court clubs in town, and we were swimming at the pool, he started chatting up some young ladies in teeny bikinis. They thought he was so cute and I was having a hard time keeping my married man cool.
That is so Little Dude! He and his cousin actually also sit around inside the pool area and discuss the aforementioned ladies. I’m not so happy about this – he’s 10. But it is what it is.
Yeah, Boy has got a ways to go, actually, before he starts recognizing ladies in that way.
It’s Princess we worry for sometimes, although Cimmy made sure to explain to her what’s what about sex and sexuality. Her problem right now is she’s got a huge crush on her best friend, and he’s naturally pretty oblivious.
Head over to my blog. Got some more sunshine for ya. 🙂 xoxo
Bethie girl,
Thank you so much for the Sunshine Award! And it’s a different emblem, so it’s a whole different award! And I’m going rogue in 7’s, just like you did!!!
I can’t get to it right now – but I will soon. You honor me with this! I can’t wait to get another one so I can nominate you!
Oops – that came out all wrong, as if I assume I’m going to get one. I have no clue, and if I do, I do. If i don’t, I don’t. You know what I love? The orange light. You know I get Blogasms when I see the orange light, right?
Texas sure grows them hot. Dang. Look at you. Were you a cheerleader in high school?
Hell yes I want in on tees!! Remember, they must be worn without pants. I can say that cuz I have a sceptor.
Samara, your award receiving had just begun. You’re awesome.
Uh…I was not rich enough to be a cheerleader, and I hated cheerleaders and anything to do with school. In fact, I was expelled my senior year….for skipping in-school suspension, which I received for skipping class. I had a few rebel years. To say the least. It still lingers in my blood…..
It’s just that you’re so blonde and beautiful, you look like my idea of what a cheerleader would look like.
Can you be my cheerleader?
Give me an S! Give me an A! That kind of thing?
Okay, we need something clever for the tees!
I’m already your cheerleader…MWA! You should know that.
Now for clever tees….thinking, thinking….
Okay so I read this on my phone the other day and couldn’t comment because that never works and all my brilliant insights are wasted, so I just sat down and read it again and WTF I don’t remember this tidbit about throwing water balloons at people going in to church on Easter. I don’t know what “they” were looking for with that question but I speak for myself when I saw that’s exactly what I was looking for. Well done.
Well, you’re a redhead, so of course you get it, Aussa girl!
I think “they” wanted something warm and fuzzy. But anyone who knows my blog knows that I’m a project girl. We didn’t do warm and fuzzy. Didn’t have the happiest childhood; my most used tag? “fuck my childhood”
But the best thing about the past, is, it’s the PAST. It’s OLD. What we have now is the present, and it’s a gift. Which is why it’s called the present. And it is Magnificent – you get me?
I’m so looking forward to our friendship in 2014. You have no idea, Aussa, girl. You have no idea.
xo,
samara
Haha, aw! Now you just accidentally made me feel all warm and fuzzy with that last line, dangit!
That’s what I was going for.
Now, we need some ideas for blogger girl tee shirts. Beth wants in.
I’m damn serious. I want tees! For any of us that currently hang and interact and know each other. Whomever wants in – is in!
Hell, we can even let in a guy – if he’s 49% female. Like Le Clown. And I mean that in the highest of complimentary ways.
I’m writing like a mad demon while Little Dude is hanging with his buds, but will come over and visit your blog later. xo
You know what you are, Samara? You’re a motherfucking GIVER. (Or maybe just a regular giver. I don’t require anyone to fuck their own mother to receive my praise. In fact… this whole line of thought is ill-conceived and I regret it, but am too lazy to hit delete.)
ANYway! You gave me Patti Smith, a shout-out, and two new bloggers all in one post. You generous vixen, you. Go tell your son that his mom made the world a better place today. Also, can I steal your line, “____ is more important than anything on this blog”?
Also-also, I realllly want to go to a concert with you. There would be emotive swaying.
Wait! Stop the presses! Are you new to the High Priestess of Rock?
I just gave Rara Patti also (shhhh). I mailed her Patti’s latest book.
I have a post coming, “To Patti Smith on her 67th Birthday.”
“since 2013 was officially the year “God Fucked Me in the Ass Without Lube.””
Oh? You, too?
Hey, Twindaddy!
I’ve longed viewed your mysterious avatar and wanted to meet you! Welcome!
Was 2013 as shitty for you as it was for me???
Um, yeah. Got divorced and had my heart broken several times.
And is my avatar really mysterious? Does that bode well for me?
VERY.
Woooooot!!
On your blog *she says mysteriously*
Stalker!
What are bitstrips????
Lol. Do you not see the pictures in the post??
Yes. Of course I do.
I was being ironic.
You’re funny. Yay. I love funny bloggers!!!
Ohhhhhhhh………
You got me.
So glad this whole chain of events took place.
Sunshine all around for 2014. Rock on, bloggers! love you, friends!