Archives For girl crush

sunshineaward

Tara, the fabulous blogger over at Love From Tara nominated me for the Sunshine Blogger Award.

Wait – Tara – do you mean me? Samara, who posts about strip clubs? Blow Jobs?  Heroin?

Okay! Just checking.

Well, I’ll gladly accept it, since 2013 was officially the year “God Fucked Me in the Ass Without Lube.”

Before I begin, a New Year’s note to anyone who honors me by reading this blog:

Dear WordPress family:

Thank you all for the love. Little Dude and I are here, rocking out to New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He loves so very many of you.

Last night, I saw Patti Smith perform. She preached to us, Patti punk-rock-priestess style, that even in this harsh economic time, no one need suffer from intellectual poverty.  She had the audience in a frenzy, commanding that we all strive

TO PLAY. TO HAVE JOY. TO HAVE IMAGINATION. TO BE FREE!

I fiercely wish this for all of you in 2014.

Ahh, my award. These awards are awesome.  I somehow got passed on the “I Gave a BlowJob Outside The Holland Tunnel” blog award. Also missed the “Do You Think An Elephant Can Use a Fluffy Cat as a Tampon” blog award.

The rules for these awards are so damn complicated. First, nominate 85 bloggers.  Coordinate your reproductive cycles so that you are all menstruating simultaneously. Line up 11 infants on mattresses, dress as the devil and practice El Colacho – baby jumping.

WordPress Baby Jump Award

WordPress Baby Jump Blog Award

The Sunshine Award Rules:

  1. Post a picture of the Sunshine Award
  2. Post 11 random facts about yourself
  3. Answer the 11 questions from the blogger who nominated you
  4. Nominate 11 bloggers.
  5. Write 11 questions for them to answer
  6. Let the nominated blogger(s) know you have nominated them

11 random facts? Pull up a chair, home slice. This is my 15 minutes and I’m gonna work it like a whore in navy yard.

This is Your Big Chance to find out all about “The Weirdness That is Samara.  Don’t miss it!

1. I was the only girl in a family with five brothers, all of them older than me. During the 1970’s, there was so much sperm flung around our apartment it was like living in the Monkey House at the Bronx Zoo.

2. I am a really good shoplifter. I don’t do it anymore, because I wouldn’t want to get caught and have them call my 10-year-old kid to come get me.  I’d give some pointers, but I don’t want to go and get Freshly Pressed or anything.

3. I love to bake. If I love love love you, I’ll bake for you. I have baked theme cakes for everything from SpongeBob to dildos. Including a SpongeBob dildo cake.

From Samara's Bakeshop

Parenting at its best

4. I get intense girl crushes. I have one simultaneously on bloggers Jen and Tonic and Jennie Saia.  I love that they have the same name. In my Walter Mitty day dream, we’re doing a science fair project that involves snakes covered in Vaseline.  When I breathily mutter “oh, Jennie” at them,  it could be either one of them. Damn convenient.

5. I had a pet chicken when I was in high school. I named him Dr. Feddy. He was a chick that accidentally hatched in the  biology lab.  I used to let him run around in the bathtub for exercise. When he started all that cock-a-doodle-dooing at dawn, my mom brought him to a farm to live.

I just realized my mom was a lying hooker.

is he gonna eat him, or fuck him?

Just your everyday normal dude with his pet chicken

6. I love using completely outdated rap expressions. They especially annoy Little Dude.

“Boo, you better break yourself, cause that is some chickenhead move! Finish your homework so we can go to Gamestop and get flossy, dude! No diggity!

Translation: Honey, please stop trying to set the house on fire.  It’s ill advised. If you finish your homework, we’ll go to Gamestop and buy you the inane video games that prompt you to arson to begin with. I promise.

Flossy –   The lesser known and unloved cousin of “jiggy.” Used to express one’s burning desire to be Flashy and Showy, while simultaneously reminding white folks about the importance of routine dental care.

7. I have terrible motion sickness. Growing up, the Lying Hooker kept a pail in our station wagon for me to hurl in when I got car sick. To this day, I can’t go on rides. Once, when I was a kid, some family took me on “Rent A Poor Kid Day” to a theme park, and I threw up 17 times.

I wish I looked this good on Rent a Poor Kid Day

8. I am convinced that it is utterly against nature and biology for a man to be monogamous. Men are hunters. Those that can actually stay faithful are kings among men. But it truly goes against their nature.

When I got married, I told The Ex, just don’t come home with your penile instrument oozing Chlamydia and we’re good. Don’t get sloppy and let me find out.  Don’t get all warm and fuzzy on NyQuil when you’re sick and feel you have to bare your soul to me. What I don’t know, won’t hurt me.

What will hurt me will be if you spend money on the bitch. And that will hurt you, too, cause then I will cut off your dick.

9. I broke the record for longest labor at my hospital before giving birth to Little Dude. I was in labor for 36 hours. He just didn’t want to come out.

Men really seem to dig it up inside my uterus.

10. I love math.

11. I LOSE IT when I get stuck in voice prompt purgatory.   It is actually the Tenth Circle of Dante’s Hell from which there is no exit. I HAVE NO PATIENCE FOR THIS NONSENSE.

“Please listen carefully to our menu options as they have changed” is a WHORE. They’re all changing their menu options daily and I can’t even find a clean bra.  Who is responsible for this? I will personally give that person a project girl beat-down. When trapped in the Tenth Circle I start drooling and chant REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE.

And the QUESTIONS:

1. What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning?

Make espresso. Twice. I have a 10 year old with ADHD.
He vaults out of bed like someone shoved a spring loaded tampon up his ass.
He talks until my ears bleed. The best way to protect myself from this verbal onslaught is a Passover wine/ Oxycodone cocktail, but then I have trouble navigating the drop off  loop at his school. And we walk, so you can imagine my confusion.

2. What is your greatest fear?
Poverty.  I grew up in a shitty housing project.  Cinderblock and chain-link fenced in terraces give me full blown panic attacks.

Fuck you, we had an elephant.

Fuck you, we had an elephant. Thanks, Le Clown.

4. What is your favorite song at the moment?

I’ve been pre-gaming for weeks because I went to see Patti Smith last night. So it’s all Patti Smith songs.  She’s the High Priestess of Rock and Roll.  if you don’t know her, google her right now. This Instant. I mean. it. Stop reading right now and listen to her immediately.  There is nothing on this blog as important as her music.

5. What is your favorite childhood memory?

One time, my brothers and I were up on our shitty chain linked in balcony, throwing water balloons at people going to church on Easter. It was hilarious! And this one woman started screaming at us, “you’re all going to Hell!” Then, my mom came home and beat the shit out of us and…

I don’t think that’s what you had in mind.

Wait, this one has a heroic twist to it. My brother and I were playing at the top of a muddy, rainy hill behind the school. All of a sudden, we spotted the neighborhood Bad Man coming towards us. He’d been to jail for killing somebody – two somebodies, in fact. And he was trudging up the hill, towards us.

My brother stood in front of me and yelled, “Don’t you come near us!” Very brave.  When the Bad Man got to the top of the hill, my brother kicked this guy in his head HARD, and he slid all the way down the hill. And we took off running. But when we looked back, he’d gotten up and was just walking back up, with that same plodding pace, like the true sociopath he was.

Somehow, I don’t think this is what you were looking for, either. But this is what I got.

6. Facebook or Twitter?

WordPress.

7. What did the last text message you received say?

“Sex with a cougar does z not good! Fuck auto correct!”

My best friend’s brother is getting a divorce. He’s hot.  He’s coming to visit, and I offered to umm, make him feel a little better about his divorce. He’s 4 years younger than me. My friend was trying to say, “sex with a cougar does a boy good.” Who invented autocorrect anyway? It’s the same idiot who keeps changing the motherfucking menu options.

8. What bugs you the most?
Racism.

9. What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house?
My TMJ retainer. My dentist is freaking out because I grind my teeth to nubs. I’m supposed to wear it every night. I never do. But it cost a lot of money, so I’m going to say it’s important.

TMJ - A REAL BLOW JOB BUZZ KILL

TMJ – A REAL BLOW JOB BUZZ KILL

10. If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room, what would it be?
That’s a really bizarre question. Do I get entrance applause also?

11. What’s your favorite movie quote?
I am a bona fide movie addict, so that’s really hard. Tonight, I’ll give you this gem from from Pulp Fiction:

Mia Wallace, played by Uma Thurman, asks Vincent Vega, John Travolta,

“In conversation, do you listen, or wait to talk?”

The only reason to get married is to do this as your first dance

The only reason to get married is to do this as your first dance

I’m only nominating 2 blogs. For their questions, they have to answer the same 11 ones I did.

Busted Flip Flops and Janie Doh are both smart, funny lady bloggers. I love smart, funny chicks.  Give these ladies a read!

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Tell me all about your weirdness. Talk to me. I’m listening.