I have very small veins. Whenever I have to get blood drawn, the phlebotomist always struggles.
She sticks me. Once. Twice. Thrice. She jabs. She misses. It HURTS.
“Your veins are just so tiny…let me try the other arm.”
I grow angry.
LET ME DO THIS.
I’ve done this. Many times. I know how to tie off. Find my tiny veins.
She looks at me as though I’ve lost my mind. I don’t care.
Your venipuncture skills leave much to be desired. The tourniquet isn’t tight enough. The needles you chose aren’t small enough. You’ve not located the vein correctly.
I pull the band around my upper arm tighter, grab the end with my teeth, pull it tight,
Then SLAP SLAP SLAP my above my bicep. HARD.
I’m an expert.
So judge me, professional amateur. You could never judge me as harshly as I’ve judged myself.
That Jab of A Needle.
Whenever I feel it, I am reminded.
It feels like…
I’m kissing God
The Christmas fireplace with the whole family I never had.
The most magnificent church bells ringing in my soul.
My brain is being massaged by Kafka and Burroughs.
The warm golden sunshine of a perfect life.
All pain melts away and I float on pure bliss.
And once the nod passes, the energy kicks in.
I could outrun a marathon runner.
Discuss literature, politics, extensively. Especially a good conspiracy theory.
Make my house sparkle.
Listen to Lou Reed. Become Lou Reed. Have a “Perfect Day.”
Feel everything times one hundred. His touch is the touch of a king. I have no inhibitions; my body and mind open like a flower to him. And it goes on forever, because there is no orgasm. It never happens.
I write. I am Bukowski.
I write magnificently:
“Prosper been and planes there had never been and planes to prote words in there skywriting Seing as I’m not b=vrabby, and dontfolw a grop, I;ll g wite lskmudging wy the afafe thosjoje wuf u jt sj ja aflflowed there had never and there skywriting flowed the car, fulls car, fulls car, fulls car, trailing
It was him. One corner.”
It’s not just the jab of a needle.
Every day, at the gym, when I fasten the neoprene sports armband on to listen to music,
tighten it, pull the strap through and fasten the Velcro
I am tying off a vein.
Every day. The feel of a band around my upper arm.
Talk to me. I’m listening.