Tippecanoe and Douchecanoe!

January 13, 2014 — 113 Comments

douchecanoe (2)

John Tyler – our country’s tenth president. Arguably the WORST PRESIDENT EVER.

Having suffered through both Bush administrations, it takes cojones to say that there was actually a president worse than the either of them.

What's Katrina? I'm on vaca!

Who’s Katrina? I’m on vacation, dammit!

 

But you know something is amiss when a president has 15 children.

John Tyler is known as being one of the most God awful presidents in us history. For a plethora of reasons, which I’ll discuss here.

But first.

Fifteen children. Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick.

He was not even an Orthodox Jew.  And let me tell you, I’m Jewish – but Orthodox? Those people procreate like a motherfucker. Never before have I seen a mother and a daughter simultaneously pregnant. It’s disturbing.

I’m not suggesting a president should be celibate; actually, politicians have to be married and have children to be taken seriously. This is how they begin to shed their slimy attorney snake skin and gain reputability.

It’s also how my home state of New Jersey ended up with a gay governor married to a woman.

Fridays, he’s implementing stem cell research plans for New Jersey. Saturdays, he’s getting ass fucked at Vishara on 48th St in Manhattan.  It’s…unsettling.

Back to Tyler.

15 children?

If you’re getting some stank on the hang down with such alarming frequency that you manage to impregnate a woman 15 times, how on EARTH can you possibly concentrate on any executive decisions?

I’m a history nerd.

I’m a nerd in general. Math. Literature. History. Whatever.

So  let’s start with the man himself.

tyler_subj_e

Surly motherfucker, no? Look at that puss on his face. Does that look like a man getting it on the regular? This grim bastard looks like he has to pay for hand jobs.

The guy should be grinning ear to ear. Cause if he actually sired 15 kids, this guy was pounding the punnani pavement constantly. So, lighten up, Johnny T!

Oh, even if you’re not a history nerd, you HAVE to have heard of his campaign slogan:

“Tippecanoe and Tyler Too”

Tippecanoe and Tyler too?

What the shit snacking crackers does that mean?

Is a tipping canoe a good thing? I’ve been in one. It is not a pleasurable experience. It did not make me feel safe in the SLIGHTEST. Why would men running for the top two executive offices of the goddamned country want to conjure up the image of people about to drown?

That would be like Woodrow Wilson and Thomas Marshall, running for election in post-Titantic 1912,  with this asinine campaign slogan:

WE’RE UNSINKABLE!

It’s based on a stupid song, which was based on a battle fought and won at Tippecanoe. In the grand tradition of the leaders of our country going in and fucking decimating Native Americans faster than you can say “ethnocentric genocide.” Yay, us!

It doesn’t even matter. Because the Tippecanoe in question was William Henry Harrison. The idiot DIED after one month in office.

He gave what was known as the LONGEST INAUGURAL SPEECH IN HISTORY. In the freezing cold. Without a coat, so His Excellency could seem like he had a big pair of presidential testicles .

And then DIED, one month later. Of pneumonia.

Now, he has this idiotic Virginian aristocrat afterbirth as his Vice President.

Nobody’s sure why. Maybe Harrison thought he could get in on some of that shaboink boink. But now, the county is left without a president.

And sour puss Tyler decides, without any formal official precedent being set, that HE will now be the president.

Of course, many years later, this was in fact what was set as official policy. But at the time, this dude just took over.

Good to know. When Bruce Springsteen strokes out under the bench press machine at the gym, I’m going to be “THE BOSS” from now on. Because I SAY SO.

This guy’s politics were so shady, he claimed to be part of a political party that he didn’t even support. The Whigs.

I won’t bore you with their rhetoric, but they have a great name. The Whigs. Like a bunch of middle-aged dudes rockin’ out. The opening act for “Midlife Crisis.”

Tyler, having run and won as a Whig, now opposes the complete Whig platform and vetoes all Whig party proposals. And his ENTIRE CABINET ups and quits.

You know you’re a douchecanoe when your whole cabinet quits. Not just the island, or the counter top. The whole cabinet.

Look, the guy started his presidency  known as “His Accidency.” Not particularly flattering.

And for shits and giggles? He was the only president in the history of the US to die a traitor.  After his presidency he retired from politics until the outbreak of the Civil War.

He sided with the Confederates, because what with all the deprivation and hunger, the plantations burning and able-bodied men dying, who wouldn’t? and won election to the Confederate House of Representatives shortly before his death.

And was pronounced a traitor. And died one.

But I still want to get back to what a HORN DOG he was.

So, he’s fucking his way through his presidency. Making babies and whatnot. Not knowing what party line he’s supposed to be touting, or whether Texas is, in fact, even a state.

And then his wife dies.

Poor, poor John. Who’s he gonna spread the mayo with now?

He’s fifty. Guess what he does?

Yes. He does.

He goes after a 19 year old girl.

Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

What a degenerate. If he were alive today, he’d own a Greek diner and keep losing it in a card game.

But wait. This gets EVEN BETTER.

I love a good conspiracy theory. A conspiracy theory is amazing when you’re on dope. Ohhh, the things you figure out. They’re great when you’re straight, too.

What I love is a good conspiracy theory that connects presidents and the women they’re getting their horizontal refreshments from.

Like John F. Kennedy.

I hate the Kennedys. They were a bunch of philandering boozehounds.

Do you remember what happened when drunken whoremonger Ted Kennedy drove his car off the bridge in Chappaquiddick?  

Neither does Mary Jo Kopechne.

Anyway, getting back to beloved JFK. C’mon,  people! He was doing Marilyn.  And the moment she wiggled onto the stage at Madison Square Garden, practically felating the microphone, and sang a porno version of Happy Birthday to her Johnny?

She. Didn’t. Stand. A. Chance.

You know they killed her. Please.

And John Tyler? Well, he’s this disgusting, wrinkly 50-year-old. (I’m sorry, I don’t really feel that way. I’m personally completely attracted to 50-year-old men. They’re HOT. But NOT WHEN I WAS 19).

And he’s lusting after a teenager. Just picture that, men. Picture your 19-year-old daughter, your beautiful pride and joy. Now picture some 50-year-old sweating and groaning on top of her.

He takes this girl, and her father, on a cruise.

And very conveniently, just at the right moment, has cannons fired on the deck where her father is. Killing him.

And when she learns of his death, J.T. is standing RIGHT next to her, and catches her when she faints. (Oh, how romantic. He probably fucked up his sciatica for a week.)

And after that, because she was a little lost girl, she married him. Another little girl with a father complex.

“Oh, fuck me, Daddy.” Not that I would know anything about THAT.

Now, the horndog, still in office, continues pounding all that duck, and has 7 MORE kids. Did they not have birth control in those days? Blow jobs?  Titty fucks?

His 8 kids from the prior marriage didn’t come to the wedding. I think they were upset that daddy was marrying a girl the same age as his grandkids.

What a magnificnet specimen! What an honorable man!

The last child he had at 70. That is some jacked up Tony Randall nastiness.

And this is guy who began the tradition of having them play “All Hail the Chief” when a president enters the room.

This ass clown.

Chief what? Cocksman? Murderer? Pervert? Traitor?

Chief Douchecanoe.

And to think, this whole tirade started because Little Dude had a Snapple.  And the fun factoid inside the cap told him that John Tyler had 15 children, more than any other president. And that he had the last one when he was 70 years of age.

Dear Snapple,

Please. There are some things a 10-year-old does not need to know.

Sincerely,

A Concerned Mother

I threw up in my mouth

I threw up in my mouth a little when I read this

 

Which president do you think was the worst? Talk to me. I’m listening.

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113 responses to Tippecanoe and Douchecanoe!

  1. 

    Dear Samara,

    I don’t often hit the blogwaves to become enlightened about US Presidents, their procreating habits, and how Snapple is complicit in douchecanoery, but this is too funny. And unbelievably true. I also don’t think there’s anything right about a 50-year-old man with a 19-year-old girl, but I am a die-hard romantic so I guess it could work… but gross, seriously.

    You Americans are weird with your politics, but it sounds like you haven’t had a good wanker in office for a while (I know that’s debatable), so I’m going to make a proposal to send you one Rob Ford, Mayor of our largest City (T-dot). He’s a bit overweight. He smokes crack. He has people killed. He runs down old ladies. He types on his computer while he drives. He goes public about his oral sex habits. He hosts hookers in his public office. He drinks all the time, but especially when he drives. Now, he doesn’t have 15 kids and he has yet to announce public support for the Confederates, but that’s not the point. The point is: please take him. We don’t want him anymore. He is the true shitstain on the soiled underwear of Canada, and where once we were able to wear him hidden under our snowsuits, the stain has now come through and everyone can see it. Everyone.

    Hilarious as always my friend. And now you’re starting to educate me. Freaky.

    Trent

    • 

      Trent-
      First of all, this post was for you. You knew that, right? Because you LOVE the word douchcanoe. I almost titled it: For Trent. Tippecanoe and Douchecanoe

      Now, about these comments:
      These are posts, dammit, and everyone knows it! Stop saying you only write fiction! This description of Rob Ford makes him sound like someone that I’d love to party with! Does he do Bar Mitzvahs?

      “shitstain on the soiled underwear of Canada.”

      You always give Good Comment, Trent. Always.
      xo,
      S

  2. 

    Thoroughly entertaining. And just…wow. Thanks for the info and the laughs.

    • 

      You are most welcome!
      There are laughs, and cries, and all sorts of magic to be found here. I’m so glad you made your way. I’m grateful for that.

      xo,
      S

  3. 

    Ah, there’s nothing like a good old fashioned history lesson. I’m a history nerd as well, but too lazy to read or research any of it so I make shit up. I actually suggested that Lincoln was gay in my last post, and it turns out there are others who already think that, so I didn’t fell like a total dumbass for suggesting it! Small victories.

    Wait, are you suggesting that the fat guy in NJ is gay too? Is he? Are we talking about the same person? Christy? You rock, ma’am.

    • 

      DOAT, my man, you handsome fellow!

      Lincoln was GAY? I knew he was Jewish – he got shot in the temple – but I didn’t know he was gay…

      No, not the fat guy. That’s Christie. The GAY guy. The “I am a gay American.” Jim McGreevy.

      I didn’t research, love, I read a freakin’ BOTTLE CAP. And the rest I knew. Sad, isn’t it? My mind is filled with useless info. I’d make a fortune on Jeopardy…

  4. 

    this might be the best history lesson I’ve ever had.

  5. 

    I just learned something new today… John Tyler was 70 when his last child was born…WOW. Even though that is a disturbing thought, you have to give the man credit for being able to get “it” up late into his 60’s. Too bad he wasn’t around when Viagra was advertising, they could have easily used him for a promotional shout-out.

    Glad to find a fellow New Jersian on WordPress…it’s about time WordPress had some NJ trash thrown into the blogger mix-up.

    Good Stuff!!

    • 

      New Jersey in the house!!!
      I wish I could shout out “represent” but the truth is, I’m a displaced New Yorker. And not a very happy one. But I’ll own the “trash” part.

      Yeah, I suppose getting a stiffy at 70 is pretty decent – I was just more focused on the age of the woman he was giving the high hard one to – she was 40 at the time. Ewwww.

  6. 

    “Not just the island, or the counter top. The whole cabinet.”

    Honey child, you just made me laugh out loud. Thank you for teaching me history against my will. I will actually hold onto these facts like I did with approximately nothing from high school history, because you said punani.

    So… who are you gonna profile next?

    • 

      Jennie girl, sister wife-
      YOU.

      Did you know that I acknowledged having a big ol’ girl crush on you in my Sunshine Blogger Award thing?

      I need to get to your blog, fast. I need a Jennie fix, and I believe you’ve posted something new. I had to actually stalk your old posts for a fix!

      xo,
      S

      • 

        My love,

        I saw, I saw! And I felt adored. And in my two latest posts, all about life in Mexico, I acknowledge that it was glorious YOU who got me writing again! And then REDdog chimed in that you’re bewitched him into posting, as well… you are a force of nature, m’dear. I’m so glad our Clownie friend is sharing you with the masses!

      • 

        Oh my God, Jennie, really? I had no idea…But seriously, not to get all mushy on you, but it’s you who inspired me! You should feel adored. I adore you. Why do I feel like Don of All Trades is going to suddenly come barging in here? He does that to us, you know.

        Yes, Red was in a bit of slump. I don’t know if I bewitched him, but I’m SO glad he started posting again.

        I’m having a day. An emotional one, you know? It’s all good. xo

      • 

        You fucking well did bewitch me! You’re right Jen, she’s a force of nature. I’m in love with both of you…and Aussa…and Beth…btw, lovin’ the new look Samara, red rules!

      • 

        Red-
        It’s the work of none other than Queen Creative, our own Rara!! I had the vision, and she put it all together –

        Yes, I look good in red, don’t I?

  7. 

    Reblogged this on Trent Lewin and commented:
    Who uses the word “douchecanoe” in their writing? Samara does. And that’s just the start of the hilarity/history lesson contained in this post. Check out an awesome writer – and a fearless one.

  8. 

    Awesome… and didn’t I just see you mentioned on Le Clown’s blog? Are you taking over the universe? Because I already rule this one… due mostly to low voter turnout.

  9. 

    Hey girlie! Loving your new blog design HARD. And congrats for making Le Clown’s list – woop!

    I don’t know diddly-shit about history. It was my worst subject in school! This was highly entertaining and informative. What a horn dog. But aren’t most of them if “unleashed”? I mean, with a world of women not really having choices with sex and childbirth like it was back then, and no cultural “no no” on age differences….I think it would be a world of John Taylors.

    • 

      Bethie girl!
      Thank you so much!
      Rara, who besides being a superstar blogger, is also Queen Creative. She helped me put together the new digs. Thanks for noticing!

      Like Chris Rock so eloquently said, “Men are as faithful as their options.” You feel me, girl?

      • 

        Rara… well THAT explains why you’re totally blowin’ up right now.

        (Yep, another wonderful hip-hop slang term for you today.)

      • 

        Always ready for another hip hop slang term, Boo.

      • 

        I’m a Great White Mack,
        and I got yo’ back
        with My Best Girl Cimmy,
        who likes to shimmy,
        and shake, so you know she ain’t fake
        when she’s on the take
        when we collaborate
        with my baby gurl Princess
        who I must confess
        she likes it so kawaii
        she draws manga-style, you see
        and mah baby Boy mack
        who’s on the attack
        with a hug so bold
        that you know he’s got soul.

  10. 

    Oh man, you had me at shit snacking crackers! funniest thing I’ve read in a while. and please, oh please, go off on the latest DOUCHENOZZLE BUSH!!! you would make my day! signed, your newest follower! lol

  11. 

    thank you, that was fn hilarious!!! made my morning!

  12. 

    Nice try. Very nice try, indeed. But, even with your humorous and well written rant against Tyler, I will not be suckered into a political debate, er, um discussion on who the worst president was. Nope. No thanks. Not going to happen.

    However, I am perfectly happy in generalizing: Aren’t they all bad? To get to the position where they became one of the leading candidates, they had to sell their soul to someone or to some company or to some cause. When I vote, I don’t go vote for the one I believe is good, I try to pick the lesser of the evils up for grabs. Am I alone in that?

    • 

      that’s how I’ve voted my entire life DJ… lessor of two evils! it’s not like we have much choice. some start out good, then the others run them off ….or corrupt them. its a sad system, I wish we could truly fire them all and start over. 🙂

    • 

      As Douglas Adams says, “It is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it… anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.” (A quote, and an Adams one at that– just for you, Matticus. 🙂 )

      Samara– Loved this! Every delicious sentence was hilarious. I would have liked history more if I was this entertaining.

      • 

        And who are we to argue with Douglas Adams? 😉

        I think we should start a new rule: If you are elected President, you don’t actually get the job, but we use a random number generator tied together with a random name generator to somehow find someone 3 degrees of sepearation removed from them and give the job to that person. How does that sound?

      • 

        Matticus love, and you thought being a brainiac wasn’t hot!

        That is quite the interesting formula you’ve come up with; anything would probably be an improvement over the current one.

        I love when Rara starts quoting famous people and getting all intellectual on us and shit. The other side of Rara.

      • 

        The other side of Rara? Hah! I think she is always being intellectual, sometimes she is just more overt about it. 😉

        I think the problem with having a formula at all, is that eventually people will start to try and figure it out and then exploit it. Or, rig it entirely to get the results they wanted anyway. Really, we should focus more on getting away from the two-party system that is destroying us at the moment. We need people who aren’t endorsed (read: bought and paid for) by either the blues or reds. We need new ideas. We need someone who doesn’t care if they have zero chance of getting reelected after four years. We need someone who would do the job even if it was unpaid, without lifetime benefits, etc…

      • 

        When you find someone like THAT to do the job, let me know how the flying unicorns are in this mythical place!

        Trolls – remember?

        YOU should run for office.On the Matticus Platform.

      • 

        I wondered a year or so ago if I had it in me to run for a local office and then maybe work my way up from there… and then rememberd my sordid past and realized I didn’t stand a chance.

      • 

        Rara- you are so brilliant, I don’t even know where to begin. And Queen Creative! And my favorite blogger to stay up all night with, because you never sleep, either!

        love you,
        S

    • 

      King Matticus!!!
      You are not alone – the lesser of two evils is the ONLY way to go-
      I think, when we go Troll Hunting, we may have to go after a few politicians!

  13. 

    I laughed all the way through this, Samara. I love history. Ordinarily you don’t learn stuff like this in history class, though. Thanks for the laughter. I needed a boost. BTW, just so you know, the next time I get depressed, I’m gonna come over to your blog and read everything you’ve wrote since the dawn of time until I really laugh out loud.

  14. 

    Holy snappin’ duck shit, Samara girl, you are rocking the blogging world right now, arentcha?! So proud of you, and happy. Thanks for being awesome. Love yer shit. Respect REDdog

    • 

      Red-
      I’m having a good time, that’s for sure. I feel the love and pride all the way over here, stateside!

      Thanks for the support and the respect. And the friendship. Always that.

  15. 

    I have a whole bunch of comments to this post…
    1) Funny AND educational – you are just what I’m trying to be!
    2) Man, this Tyler is like a combination of the worst parts of Dick Cheney, Bill Clinton, and Kim Jong Un.
    3) About half of Snapple facts aren’t actually true. And their ice tea is not even that cold most the time.
    4) Congratulations on getting Freshly Pressed, well deserved! I don’t know why I haven’t seen it in my reader or on the FP page – is there a problem with my eyesight?
    5) Congratulations on getting Freshly Clowned – yours was the blog I was 100% sure would be among the 5.
    6) I would have been tempting to make it all the way to 10, but I’ll let others comment, too. 🙂

  16. 

    “The last child he had at 70. That is some jacked up Tony Randall nastiness.”

    Ohmigod, I laughed out loud at this.

    • 

      Jen-
      For all the times I laughed hysterically at EVERYTHING you say on your blog, I OWE you that.
      You know you’re one of the funny badass chick bloggers who inspired me, right? When I found Le Clown, and his carnies, I found you and Weebs and Speaker 7, and I said, Oh, my! When I grow up, I want to be like THEM!
      Big love to you.

  17. 
    dorkmasterfunk2013 January 14, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Hi Samara, I’ve only signed onto WP recently and still do not have the courage to post my work. I’m a bit selfish in the sense that I only come here to read and not post or comment much. I have to say that there are a handful of bloggers that I follow and you are the FUNNIEST I’ve encountered. I know you have written a couple of very serious posts, which were very heartfelt. I too lost family and friends in the WTC attack and worked downtown for many years. There were years I worked in Tower #2 on the 75th floor. Congrats on making it to the Clown board. You’re a very gifted writter.
    Peace.

    • 

      Dorkmasterfunk-
      Oh, where do I begin?

      I was on WP for a long time before I had the courage to publish.

      And – I have to tell you. It is still agony. Still. Everytime I hit “publish”, I am a complete wreck!

      Please try and post your work. If there’s anyway I can support you, I will. Other writers support me all the time – Le Clown gave me the courage and the inspiration to blog, and I always want to pay it forward.

      My Ex lost his cousin in the WTC, and I lost a dear friend whose entire company was on the 102nd floor. What can I say? I’ve also been through Hurricane Sandy, so the universe throws us some curve balls, does it not? I’m so sorry for your losses that horrible, horrible day.

      And thank you for saying I am funny. Considering the immense talent present on WP, and especially romping amongst the Carnies, that is an incredible compliment.

      Peace,
      Samara

  18. 

    Can you imagine a 70-year old man climbing on top of you? Gross. No wonder your site is blocked at work. It’s all this horrific imagery.

    Very nice makeover. Even better than the Phase II black version. My compliments to the chefs.

    • 

      Thank you for that imagery. Now I have something to look forward to in my old age.

      The Phase II black version was the template while we worked on it – and your compliments should go to Rara. If you ever need anything figured out on your blog, she is the go-to woman. Besides the artistic stuff, she understands the back end functionality in a way that I just don’t! Queen Creative, she is!!!

  19. 

    Love the new blog design. And I loved the post. Laugh out loud funny! And yes, please, I’m with Trent… we’ll ship Rob Ford down to you… express.

    • 

      Cheryl-
      Thank you so much – new blog design courtesy of Rara, Queen Creative. Her company does lots of cool things.

      This Rob Ford sounds like a disaster. You can keep him!!

  20. 

    Geez, it took me so long to get to the bottom of this page, I thought it was on infinite scroll. I’d tell you that I wish you’d been one of my history teachers (most of mine read straight from the textbooks), but you probably hear that a lot already.

    • 

      I do. Especially after they read the “Naked at the Club” post.

      Infinite scroll??? JN, that’s not very flattering!!

      I think I should make my posts shorter, though. Right?

      • 

        Ha ha! I was referring to the 99 comments; it took me forever to read through those. The post was great! I wouldn’t intentionally say anything unflattering about it.

      • 

        Oh, those! Those were drunken carnies from Le Clown’s page,mostly, bantering back and forth. They weren’t even talking about my post.

        What are you still doing on this one?

        Aren’t you going to read the other one, and see what the main character of your book is really getting himself into???

  21. 

    15 kids? Yikes! How did they get around those days? How many horses and buggies is that?

  22. 

    So weird, Samara. Me and hubby and kiddo were just asking each other who we thought was the worst president the night before you published this.
    I loved this post. So did hubby and kiddo. You had me cracking up (and learning a bit about history) as usual.
    I also love the new look. Liked the other one, too. But glad you didn’t go all fancy shmancy where you can’t even read the words and there’s too much going on.
    You have a great gift and it would be a tragedy if you didn’t share it with the world. So thank you!

    • 

      Jennie girl-
      you da best!

      Little Dude and I love your blog the most, and he knows at least 10. He’s actually asked to guest post on this one!

      Thanks for the compliments – I had Rara, Queen Creative, implement my design ideas. Her company rocks!

  23. 

    Okay I read this on my phone yesterday and have only just gotten back around to leave a comment. You crack me the eff up. When I got to the end of this and realized it had all been inspired by a Snapple cap (must confess I was like WHERE THE HECK DID THIS COME FROM?!) I diiiiied laughing. You are a resource. You should do a periodic history lesson for us.

  24. 

    Hey girl. A few points. First, I liked GW Bush, the president. Much more than Obama but I did not realize Tyler was such an idiot. And LBJ doing younger women on Air Force 1 while young boys died in Vietnam while he was getting off in the vaginas of young women. How messed up is that? Totally sucky crap if you ask me.

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