Porn, Power, Pain and Feminism

March 20, 2017 — 64 Comments

I woke up with my ass covered in a sunset of bruises, ranging from angry red to purpley-blue. My neck was sore and my scalp tender from having fistfuls of my hair pulled. My lips felt swollen and torn and my throat was streaked with finger marks.

It had been a fantastic night.

 

I like rough sex. I’ve been a pain slut for as long as I can remember, all the way back to college when my then-boyfriend used to tie me up and whack me with a hairbrush.

I need a partner who is dominant to my submissive sexual nature. I’m not into it as a lifestyle; it’s just a kink I like in bed. I’m not even sure how kinky it is, given some of the shit I’ve stumbled on while searching tumblr for cupcake recipes in the wee hours of the night.

I also love porn. In the pre-Internet 1990’s, the Ex and I had to drive into the Bronx like degenerates to buy our porn from sketchy porn purveyors. We had a sizable collection. My personal favorite was a 19-tape cheesy fake-lesbian series called “Where the Boys Aren’t.”

I have never publicly expressed my predilection for being sexually submissive, and I have only touched on my fondness for porn, because I often questioned my own desires. I was afraid that I was colluding with misogynists to objectify and dehumanize women.

Is my love for porn enabling an industry that is incompatible with feminism? An industry that profits from debasing women, forcing them to do things they would never otherwise do? I have read some chilling accounts of former porn stars who claim just that.

Even now, with this article – am I writing from a place of privilege about how I can ‘choose’ to be oppressed, when so many women face that in real-world scenarios, sexual and otherwise?

Does BDSM and porn contribute to the inequity of women?

I think not.

Women everywhere get off on the power play that sexual dominance and submission represents. Many may feel guilty about admitting it, but it’s pervasive. Long before ‘Fifty Shades of Gray’ (which isn’t even a true BDSM story, but seems to have been mistaken for one), BDSM culture has been eagerly consumed in film, literature and music. Sexual power-play tropes were packaged in Harlequin romance novels your mom bought at the supermarket decades ago. #YourMom #ThatsRightYourMom #DealWithIt

And why do you think the “smokey eye” look is considered to be so sexy? It looks messy, smudgy; reminiscent of having been up to naughty things, like having a dick smeared all over your face.

 

Sweet tender lovemaking doesn’t do it for me, never has.

I dated a man I referred to as ‘The Cop’ on social media. He was a great guy; in fact, he was a favorite among my Facebook friends to the point where a gaggle of them were planning our wedding (???). When the relationship ended, I attributed it to our vastly different schedules, but in truth, we were sexually incompatible. He was passionate, but always tender and gentle, and when I wanted him to spank me, he said he was too much of a pussy protector to ‘hurt’ me. He didn’t care for my filthy language in bed, either.

Every time we were together, I left with my stomach knotted in sexual tension. I was craving creamy chocolate mousse cake and being fed a dry Triscuit. I would leave him and end up sexting with an online friend I know affectionately as “Hot Buttered Sock Puppet.”

To be clear: the degradation and debasement of women is not a turn on for me. I’m picky about what sites I go to. I look for sex positive behavior where two (or more) people are together as equals. I object to women being used as demeaned receptacles; I prefer porn where her pleasure is every bit as important as his. Some people refer to this as “feminist” porn. I only know that if I am watching rough sex on-screen, I have to know that it’s consensual.

 

In light of the recent election, I am not being extremist when I say I fear a bleak future for women, one in which we have been stripped of all of our most basic rights. I believe there has never been a time when it is more important for women, for people, to stand together. I have become almost paralyzed, to the point of not wanting to write.

I’ve finally come out the other side of this. My declaration of feminism is more important that it’s ever been. To that end, I refuse to hide my brand of sexuality. I am who I am, and I like what I like. And I am a feminist.

I am wholly self sufficient. I have not now, nor have I ever been, financially dependent on a man. I have been supporting my child since he was born. I raise him without gender stereotypes. I’m his mom, and I’M the one who taught him to ride a bike, play basketball, throw a punch. I believe in the power of women to create world change. I champion women emotionally and artistically and in every way I can. I do not view other women as competition, but as comrades.

I know that there will be anti-porn feminists who disagree, who purport to speak for women, but I don’t fall within their victim narrative. The fact that I love porn, and that I enjoy being sexually submissive, is not a backtrack from equality. As a rape survivor I can state unequivocally that consensual sexual fantasies are not rape. They are FANTASIES, which by definition, makes them NOT REAL.

My sexuality is not a brochure for my political views: it’s how I fuck. It doesn’t model my values; it just gets me off, and it gets me off no where other than the bedroom.

 

Are you kinky? Fess up!
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

(I’ve gotten a bunch of emails from people wondering how I am. I’m GREAT! I will try not to disappear again! I’m working on several writing projects, some music projects, and busy with several life changes but I don’t want to stop blogging. I love you guys!)

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64 responses to Porn, Power, Pain and Feminism

  1. 

    I need to read this a few more times because these are some questions I have asked myself as well. Also, I love you.

  2. 

    Whatever you want to do in the bedroom is your business, and I can’t even imagine what kind of assholes will be making disgusting comments to you about this post.

    I don’t care to have any guy interested in “choke fucking” me, especially after having some guy’s hands around my throat trying to kill me.

    And, I’m quite torn on the porn thing. Am I okay with erotica? Yes. Am I okay with demeaning and debasing fucking and sucking? No. Hell no, especially not when my son has unlimited access to it compliments of the internet. I don’t want him growing up thinking that is what sex is supposed to be.

    If I could know that these women feel empowered in a healthy way by doing porn would it make it any better? Possibly. However, I still think porn perpetuates rape culture, so I tend to shy away from it.

    Kudos to you for knowing exactly what you want and not settling for less. 🙂

    • 

      I worry about my kid seeing horrible stuff, too. It seems like the Internet hates women.

      As to assholes making disgusting comments – dude, I could write “twinkle twinkle little star” and I’m STILL gonna get disgusting comments. Might as well write what I feel.
      Good to see you here xoxo

      • 

        I recently watched America the Beautiful 3: The Sexualization of Our Youth, so the porn topic, which is discussed in the documentary, is something which has been weighing on my mind.

      • 

        I’ll have to watch that.
        Hey, if you want to get really sad, watch “Hot Girls Wanted.” It’s about girls who are just barely 18, doing porn. They look about 13, which is what their big selling point is. Very disturbing.

      • 

        Oh god, don’t think I can. The other one made me cry.

  3. 

    That was honest Samara, just like your other posts and yes anything that is consensual, even if it is violent by certain standards is NOT degrading.
    That makes anything that might be too loveey-doveey but meant to suppressor manipulate a woman emotionally, is DEGRADING.

    Right??

    • 

      Hot Buttered Sock Puppet, is that YOU??

      I’m not sure what you’re asking. Is lovey dovey sex meant to suppress or manipulate women? Is it degrading? Neither.

  4. 

    Samara,

    Your kink in no way diminishes you as a woman, friend, mother etc….

    You seem to be aware of the fine lines…I think it’s common for people to blur them as they write about BDSM. Be vigilant about presenting your feminism regularly. Modeling sexual freedom is important.

    RR

  5. 

    Another way to put it might be; “How I fuck does not determine how I vote, or vice versa.” Knowing what you like and want, and being able to make your own decisions about it is pretty much a definition of empowerment in any area. I expect you will get some comments unfavorable to your position (or, positions, as the case may be – pun intended), but I think you can handle them. Anyway, its a great, brave post. Thanks.

  6. 

    You are the best — in everything, at everything.

  7. 

    There are victims, there are survivors and there are those that reclaim fantasy and their bodies by embracing kink instead of hiding under the covers.

    • 

      Yes, I feel like I have reclaimed my body and reconciled/reframed past abuse with my love of kink.
      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I so appreciate it. And I lurv spanking, too.

  8. 

    God I love you and your honesty and intelligence.

  9. 

    I’m so glad you came through that dark place (where so many of us are with you) and are writing and posting. I completely agree, that now, when human decency (and marvelous indecency) are under assault from this administration is exactly the time the soulful and honest among us have to speak out all the louder. Thank you!

  10. 

    I have been wondering where you were, and I got to say “getting some” is one of the best excuses to “why I haven’t been blogging in a while” I’ve seen. 🙂

    • 

      X! Didja miss me, didja, didja??

      I never said I haven’t blogged in awhile because I’m GETTING SOME! I’ve just been tied up, I mean, busy…

  11. 

    I like that you are introspective enough to wonder if you are speaking from a place of privilege, but I don’t think that even IF you were, it negates your feelings.

  12. 

    Glad you wrote this. Much of i is stuff I have yet to form opinions on.

    • 

      I never know how I feel about something until I write about it.

      Lizzi my love, I keep trying to send you a video but it won’t go through messenger and it’s too big to attach to an email and UGH I’m so frustrated! There must be a way…

  13. 

    I worry about the number of women working in porn and even strip clubs, who are victims of human trafficking, so I feel a little guilty not knowing whether or not I’m watching something that a person is doing voluntarily. I’m sure there are reputable and unreputable companies just like in any industry. I do like me some rough lovin’, but probably not as rough as you like it. My wife and I have a good mix of who’s the boss on any given day, lol. Any given month I should say. Also, she’d probably throw a fit if she knew I was talking about our sex life in public even this remotely. A woman once told me to talk dirty to her. We were in bed already and I was like 19. I thought about it and was so caught off guard and unprepared that I just laughed hysterically in no small part at my ineptitude, since I’ve always fancied myself a witty guy. Couldn’t even fake it. All I could think about was Seinfeld where he asked the lady if they were the panties her mother laid out for her. Hahahahaha! I still don’t know why it’s funny.

    • 

      Yeah, I hear you on being concerned about the women involved in the sex industry. That’s my issue too, especially after all the documentaries I’ve watched about sex trafficking. Pretty scary.

      And laughing in bed is fantastic! Life is too short to take too many things seriously, sex being one of them. Especially at a certain age, when an entire sexcapade can be halted by a foot cramp.

  14. 

    Love the story. Yes! The consensual is sensual, whatever it may be. Safe word, and all is well, good clean or dirty fun. I like it!

  15. 

    I’m never sure about how consensual it is for women who are involved in the porn industry. People can get taken advantage of in any job, but porn jobs are incredibly risky in so many ways.

    Happy to read you again – keep telling it like it is.

    • 

      Happy to see you here again – I was worried everyone would disappear, but that hasn’t been the case.
      Girl, Corporate America fucks women over more than any porn set, as far as I’m concerned.
      Thanks for stopping by, Lynette! xoxo

  16. 

    Welcome back, and with a bang, no less! Well done.

  17. 

    You shouldn’t call a man who is uncomfortable hitting you a pussy. Or is that one of your wry sarcasms? Talk about your mixed signals! Welcome back.

    • 

      What, no “my little flower”? I’m still your little flower, dammit!

      Yes, of course calling him a pussy was wry sarcasm, intended to provoke! I’m bratty that way!

      New York in the springtime. I’m jealous. I have to go visit your blog and see what you’ve been up to.

  18. 

    I would only argue that this is something that you developed by living in a misogynist rape culture, and not a taste you would have acquired naturally. I would hazard a guess that your first consensual sexual experience did not involve choke sex.
    I do appreciate how you own up to your own predilections – many of the people who deny their own perverted desired are often the biggest freaks behind closed doors.

    • 

      You may very well be right that I developed it by living in a misogynist culture, but how would I know? It’s like, a goldfish loves the water, but what else has it ever known?

      Although, I do recall having some pretty kinky bdsm fantasies at a very young age that involved several of the characters from Star Trek. So it’s possible I’m just a straight up freak.

      Thanks for reading, love. I appreciate you being here. xoxoxo

      • 

        No, you’re absolutely right — we live in a dirty world, it’s impossible to go through a day without being stained. I love that you get this — whenever I try to talk to most people, they seem to come from a place where they must have lived these perfect, sheltered lives and never made any bad choices or acted like an asshole, etc. I prefer my people to be bent but not broken.

  19. 

    Loved this piece. As a fellow kinkster and porn enthusiast I related to it on so many levels. Our sexual proclivities are in no way a measure of our feminism nor does it effect our ability leaders in today’s society.

  20. 

    You are awesome for continuing to be brave. I’m not a feminist but I’ve been labeled one and been attacked for having (some) feminist views. So, I know there are people that may come out of the woodworks that’ll do the same to you. & If they do, just know I still have your back. 😉 ❤

    • 

      Oh girl, you KNOW I have been getting torn apart by some but that’s the online world! I know you have my back.
      AND I miss the crap out of you. I think we’re due a phone call. xoxoxoxoox

  21. 

    I’m just always amazed to hear that some people actually have sex that involves having another person in the room with them, haha. Never really been into pain during sex, but I’d like to think I’d roll with it. I did rip some skin off my little finger at work today, and when I poured rubbing alcohol on it tonight, the pain was exquisite; I screamed like Paul Ryan’s wife must when she wakes up next to him in the morning. Yeah I went there. I hate him even more than I hate Trump. Anyway, it’s a real treat to hear from you again, Samara, And yes, esp. in light of the recent abortion-I-mean-election, we need strong female voices more than ever. Anyway, rock on.

    • 

      Hey you! Careful with that rubbing alcohol, that shit will kill you!!

      It’s a treat to be back. I was gone way too long. I miss my people, you among them. Thanks for stopping by. Next time wipe your feet before you come in 🙂

  22. 

    I just wrote about how I’m kinda into this too. People judge so easily, but the truth is: we all like a little spice once in a while.

    • 

      What would people fill their time with if not judging others??

      Hey welcome! I’m glad you stopped by. I appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. Keep it spicy! xoxoxooxoxox

  23. 

    Sounds very interesting but I’m shy and an introvert. I live through fantasy. Any suggestions?

  24. 

    Admittedly, I don’t agree with some of the points here, I do agree that it’s every woman’s right to experience sexuality in whatever way SHE chooses and enjoys. I must also admit, we are far more alike than I am willing to admit in a post of my own. Maybe that’s what intimidates me about you sometimes, S… you say what I’m thinking, but won’t say. I am pretty open about a lot of things, and try very hard not to write with filters, but then, there are some things I just don’t write about.

    Strong, thought provoking piece. I think I’m aroused now. 😉

  25. 

    Wow! I can’t say I want to be abused having grown up abused my whole life, but I did get tied down before and that was exquisite. It’s a different feeling altogether. I think I’m gonna ask my husband to do that again. I saw porn for the first time with my husband. It was quite titillating at first, but I got bored after awhile. It was so same ol’, same ol. Nothing new or different and I got to thinking like others have mentioned is who are these people and all that goes with it from a legal and market stance. Then there’s porn so readily available that young men or women have no idea that sex is not love or a relationship and have a hard time equating what’s normal. (My son is a case in point) Relationships become harder for them to develop.
    But yes, I agree, what happens in the “boudoir” is allowable and your own damn business. One of my young, “prudish” coworkers told us once that she did role playing. Her husband would dress up like a cowboy and she’d be the saloon girl and go from there. The skits would vary. And, I’m talking full wardrobes, like Cosplay. There’s so many ways to make sex interesting and exciting. The one key thing, as you said, that it be MUTUALLY consensual. I did not truly enjoy sex or feel as uninhibited as I do now because it’s the first time ever that I’ve been with a man that thought more about what I was getting out of it than what he does. I like being pleased which makes it easier to give back. It’s the first time I’ve really enjoyed talking dirty or giving head. I guess that’s the advantage of being married to someone much younger and with fewer hangups. Generally men my age (Trumps age) get it all wrong. If you talk dirty,you’re a slut and deserve to be manhandled badly. WRONG! Good post. BTW, this was tough to write, glad you asked. And yes, at 70, I thoroughly enjoy an active rambunctious sex life! (only with an occasional leg, foot or butt cramp). LOL

  26. 

    If you’re not going to write what you think, why share? And I’m not saying that to be a hypocrite (I’m always working on being a bit more honest), but to be supportive. I loved this post and any honest uncensored thought. We all have things to teach and to learn.

  27. 

    “My sexuality is not a brochure for my political views: it’s how I fuck. It doesn’t model my values; it just gets me off, and it gets me off no where other than the bedroom.”

    Well said!

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