Samara In Tinderland

June 24, 2016 — 92 Comments

alice in tinderland

Tinder – lowering sexual standards since 2012.

Tinder is the fast food of online dating – quick, cheap, and temporarily curbs your hunger. Although I’m sure people have met their significant others on Tinder –  just given the sheer quantity using it – it has an undeniably sleazy quality to it.

No judgments here. I like the sleaze.

Tinder combines everything that is wrong with society – hook up culture, chatting with people without real interaction, the desire for instant gratification, making snap judgments, rejecting people solely upon their looks – into one convenient online shopping-type app!

A veritable smorgasbord of single (ha!) people! Swipe and go!

 

In a recent article that I made up, the CEO of Tinder argued that Tinder is a progressive social construct which gives legitimacy to the online dating phenomenon.

They left out the part where you don’t need to have even $5 in your pocket to leave the house and purchase a beer somewhere. Or the ability to hold even the most rudimentary of real-life conversations.

And yet, people everywhere are getting laid off this app. It’s the cyber version of grunting, clubbing a woman over the head, and dragging her back to your cave for hot troglodyte sex.

It’s also free. That gives you an idea of the financial status of many Tinderonis. I’m not saying it’s teeming with broke-ass motherfuckers, but apparently, I appeal to a great many of them.

Perhaps because I look kinda funky in my profile pics, and am holding a guitar in one, I attract a lot of artist-writer-musician types. No one should give up his dream. However, if you’re approaching 50 and your artsy dream doesn’t include being able to afford a studio apartment, perhaps it’s time to modify your dream? To one that includes a steady paycheck, and perhaps a dental plan because OMG are you kidding with those teeth?

 

There are men who actually open with gross sexual overtures, like “Hi! Spit, or swallow?” Oh, WOW, it’s like Sophie’s Choice, how can I make that decision?! I will probably want to do both, you suave devil, you!

Some men are either trying desperately to be quirky, or English is not their first language. I don’t want to meet “I’m half a camel, I once tipped a stripper in McNuggets.”

There are quite a few men with that “restraining order” look in their eyes. Their profiles tend to go something like, “BOOM! YOU BITCHES CAN’T HANDLE THIS. THE PARTY’S ALL UP IN HERE. POW!” (And other cartoon fight sounds. Kapow!)

I don’t understand what motivates someone to pose shirtless in a club, guzzling a bottle of vodka, with his arm around another chick. The 1995 rave called, it wants its sweaty chest picture back.

Some men put up only picture of their face, then FIVE pictures of random objects. Like, 5 car pics. Their profiles say things like “Love cars, weed, partying.” Fabulous! Let’s get stoned and DRIVE AROUND, SHALL WE? I would love to court death with a guy who describes himself as a “SWAGASAURUS.”

 

I may need to join a different online dating service, one that costs actual money to join and requires that you have reasonable proficiency with the use of your opposable thumbs.

I did meet a handsome, sweet, funny guy. He made me laugh, which is always a plus. I was about to give him my number when he asked me if he could tell me about a certain “fetish” he has.
I’m pretty open, so I was curious.

He has a “crush” fetish. DON’T GOOGLE THIS. YOU CANNOT UNSEE THIS.

There are two levels. Level 1 is getting turned on by insects and other invertebrates being crushed. Level 2 is getting sexually turned by small vertebrates, like kittens or bunny rabbits, getting crushed to death.

WTF? Is this Tinder, or an episode of Criminal Minds? That night I wept for humanity and slept with a Bible under my pillow.

 

There are so many bizarre encounters on Tinder…

…people MUST be using it for the entertainment. I know I do.

This dude is one of my favorites. His picture is from a Purina Puppy Chow ad. He loves to hold conversations with me that make ZERO sense. He rarely responds to anything I say, so I’ve just begun saying random things – to see if he’s even reading what I wrote.

I’m pretty sure he’s a bot.

tinder 3

Another man rambled on and on about what we would do, once we were a “couple,” despite the fact that we hadn’t even MET yet. Here’s an excerpt:

tinder 2

What a fun-filled night! Perhaps I’ll even get to squeeze a few of his blackheads!

 

Despite the fact that Tinder is yet another nail in the coffin of Western civilization,

it’s a fun app and I’m keeping it because hey – I’M on there, right? So it can’t be ALL bad.

Now I just need to find the male version of myself. Although, some might argue I’m already the male version of myself.

It might be the fast food of online dating, but I won’t deny that even I crave some Micky D’s once in a while.

Of course, McDonald’s won’t give you herpes…

 

Have you been on Tinder? Or other online dating services?
Did you meet your significant other that way? IS THERE HOPE? 

Talk to me. I’m listening. 

 

Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, so I can have friends without leaving the house. 

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92 responses to Samara In Tinderland

  1. 

    I am convinced at this point that it is more fum reading you writing about Tinder than actually being on it. Although, the idea of texting complete nonsense to test whether one is in a conversation or a monologue has a definite interest. Throwing in a few one-liners from Alice’s adventures or Ambrose Bierce could be entertaining. Thanks for some giggles today.

  2. 

    Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
    Samara explores Tinder so you won’t have to – a great public service and giggle worthy.

  3. 

    Hahaha. I had similar wonderful experiences with a free dating app. I lasted a whole 2 weeks. The dumb baffles me. I mean, with a headliner that reads, “Demon Slayer Seeks Sidekick” I am handing them the chance to respond in a clever way. Nope. Like, 2 out of 300. And those 2 ended up being… cray-cray. I did end up with some funny writing material which I blogged about, of course. But I’m content with my wine and dogs for a while longer after all that. Can’t wait to read more of your escapades! Best of luck, don’t get chopped up, and cheers! ♡ T.

  4. 

    Crush fetish. Turned on by the sound of broken bones…..
    Who says that? That’s serial killery, reaaaaaaaaaaaal serial killery

  5. 

    I was on tinder for about two weeks just out of curiosity. Most of the conversations were from bots but the one that actually was a human agreed to meet up… At a bar right across the street from her apartment. Nope.

  6. 

    I actually *just* had a conversation about Tinder last night, where I said, “I am so glad I got married before dating got weird.” Because, honestly, if some guy told me he was turned on by crushing kittens to death, I’d have to end him. Like, I could not fucking handle that shit. I’m crying a little as I type this.
    People, y’all. They’re the worst. Except for us, obviously.
    Jesus. Being turned on by crushing. Just, Jesus. Jesus Effing Christ.

  7. 

    Oh my. Bone crushing? That’s waaay beyond any kind of normal.

    I salute you for wading into this morass and saving the rest of us from having to do so. Yikes! I’m so glad that I don’t date any more or have to decide between spiting and swallowing. (I got asked that too. He was such a smooth Lothario that he waited until the second date though.)

  8. 

    Hilarious! I hope you stay on Tinder so I can read your updates. People are whacked, aren’t they? I will not google that last bit. Very disturbing.

  9. 

    If I had a tiny bit of hope left for humanity after my twitter experiences, I think you’ve just crushed them with your Tinder stories. The worst I ever had was a foot fetishist, and now you had to tell me about the crush thing, and that just fucking disgusting and makes me sick! I guess I’ll be single forever.

    • 

      Soooo, it’s actual foot fetishists that tend to have a crush fetish. They want to watch a woman in stilettos- well, you get the idea. I didn’t go into detail in my story I lose enough readers with the fuckery I write. Good thing it’s mostly something I do for therapy, not popularity!

      • 

        Ugh. Yes, I never ever need to hear anything about the sort of shit, like, ever again. Twitter is enough of a reminder to me of how many really sick fucks there are in this world, so I definitely don’t need a dating app to introduce me to any more.

  10. 

    I was waiting for this post to pop up after seeing all the fun you have been having on Facebook. I was not disappointed! 😆

    And yeah, that guy is totally a bot. I get them on Facebook all the time. Single lonely dude, prime target for bots.

    • 

      So, the bots are programmed to make random conversation? I don’t understand how that works!

      • 

        Yup, pretty much. You can tell because if you ask them specific questions about things not in their known list, they’ll either ignore it or give an answer that skirts around answering but seems reasonable.

        I also think some places use cheap labor to do their scams on people but English is not their first language. It can be fun to carry on conversations with them and see how long it takes them to ask for money so you can be together, lol.

      • 

        I’M NOT GIVING MONEY TO ANYONE, DAMMIT! hahahahahaha

  11. 

    Omg, I laughed so much at this. Entertaining, indeed. 🙂

  12. 

    Back hair dude — don’t you know that they have waxing places for that shit? If you’re scared of wax, I bet a barber might do it for you — or you could ask your mom. Asking a a random stranger to shave your back is just bad form.

  13. 

    Posts like this remind me of how glad I am to be married, and how glad I am that I follow you.

  14. 

    *snorks* Oh DEAR a lot!

    I haven’t succumbed to the sleaze yet but given how dire it sounds…time to try Grinder?

    (also, Reeses…PERFECTION (apart from all the dairy, and I’m BUMMED about that))

    • 

      Wait, I should try Grinder, or you?
      Grinder is mostly gay men, I think. Maybe not the best app for EITHER of us.

      • 

        Well BOO then! I shall scratch it off my ‘wondering…’ list.

        (YOU! I’m far too skeert to try anything like that! (Ish. I signed up for a trial on one website, and met a few perfectly nice people a million miles away…and I’m moving halfway around the world anyway…and…and…and…))

      • 

        You’re doing some pretty scary stuff.
        Thank goodness. Xoxo

      • 

        It doesn’t scare me…I’m excited. SO excited 😀 ❤

  15. 
    Maybe I'll Shower Today June 24, 2016 at 9:48 pm

    This was hilarious. At least Tinder is a source for comic gold.

  16. 

    Hi..I haven’t been on Tinder or any such dating site but my guess is these days even a social networking site sometimes turns into a dating site for sex starved morons. A nice profile pic is all that’s required for these jerks to start hitting on you!
    Beware, these people are closer than you think;-)

  17. 

    I’ve never been on Tinder. I’m not sure it’s because I don’t love myself enough or I love me too much. But goodness sake, don’t blaspheme my precious Criminal Minds!

    • 

      That show is very well done, I’ll agree. But WAY dark for me to watch. I caught a couple of episodes and couldn’t sleep those nights. Yikes!
      I bet you love to watch all the creepy shows, huh?

  18. 

    I’ve used Tinder. I’ve used other dating sights- paid and free. Ironically, it’s the same people on all of them. There’s not much difference. I met really nice guys on Tinder who I dated, and I’ve met creeps on paid sights (and vice versa). The two serious relationships I’ve had both came from OK Cupid, so that’s the only site I recommend, but online dating sucks for the most part.

  19. 

    Yikes! I think maybe you’ve outgrown this type of hooking up Samara.

  20. 

    Holy shitballs! Now I’m even more thankful to be married. I mean, I’d appreciate the comedic value of this shit if I were single, but the number of weirdos would drive me bonkers.

    Back when I was single I had one guy email me a pic of his dick (I never opened the email because…eww) and there were others who wanted to fuck the fat girl but had zero interest in being seen in public with the fat girl. Well okay, dudes. Just move right the fuck along. Homie ain’t got time for that shizz.

    • 

      At the moment, I’m enjoying the comic value of it – but I’m pretty sure this is going to get old, right around the two-week mark.

      Yes, be thankful you found someone, if that’s what your heart desired. You deserve it!

  21. 

    Great post Samara. Same experinece I made with Tinder.
    But crush fetish? What the fuck? This is not a fetish, this is something for a mental hospital.
    Like locked from outside and bye bye until forever. Is this fetish even legal?
    Now I got a fatish to stab that fetish guy with something big in his eye.

    • 

      I guess there are all kinds of weirdos out there, and with absolutely NO way to screen people, I’m running into all of them on Tinder.

      Good to see you. How’s your summer??

  22. 

    There is hope out there. I ventured into online dating after going on a few hideous blind dates (I thought the people fixing me up were my friends. Not so.) I was divorced and looking for someone who would be interested in the same things I am. After a few clunkers, I met my future husband. This year we’re celebrating our 12th anniversary (which is the silk anniversary, just in case you want to send a gift). We met on Match and I’m amazed by how many friends admit that they met their SO’s online once I spill the beans.

    • 

      Oh, YAY! I KNEW there was hope.
      I know a few people who met on Match. Maybe I’ll give that one a try. I think they screen people, so you get people who share your interests. It’s probably worth the investment!

      Silk, huh? Hope hubby buys you something lovely! xoxoxoxoox

  23. 

    I am SO thankful that I’m married. Regular sex. No Tinder. Yay!

  24. 

    Cr*sh? Brain. Cannot. Process. There’s a lot of scary shit out there in the universe, and I’d bet my life on it that the weirdos have always existed, except that the online world has just brought them closer to your door.

  25. 

    You really out did yourself here. I’m dying. It’s too real! Love you for this. Plus, I’m now jamming to some Bobby Brown ! Yes!!!

  26. 

    I met my S.O. on Tinder, but I know that is pretty rare.

    • 

      Oh, thank GOD someone has given me hope!
      I’m about to delete my profile. All I get are propositions to meet men at their hotels. For money! It must be the red hair. They think I’m a hooker.

  27. 

    I somehow stumbled across your blog some weeks ago and have been enjoying reading your posts since. Love your unfiltered style of wording things lol. I couldn’t stop just reading one post after another.

  28. 

    True story: I met my spouse online before the internet was even a thing. Well, it was around, but only in its most rudimentary form. And we both dialed into a local BBS where I met a lot of other friends. Anytime someone new popped up on the BBS I’d send them a private message to say, “Hi, welcome, hope you enjoy your time here.” We got to talking and…well if there’d been any crush fetish or back shaving involved it might not have had such a happy ending.
    Although I shouldn’t judge. The first time we met I recited “Jabberwock” from memory. Some people would find that disturbing.

    • 

      Noooo, that’s awesome! I would probably marry someone who could recite Jabberwocky” from memory!
      I know one line- ’twas brillig, and the slithey toves…”

      That’s all I got.
      And the Internet wasn’t so shady back then. Over the years, it’s brought out the worst in people. I think.

  29. 

    Oh my goodness! I have never heard of a crush fetish. I took your advice and did NOT google it. I was tempted because that is who I am, but I also assumed anything that comes up will be NSFW and I like my job so I did not Google. But that shit is f-ing nasty! I can’t even believe that. I can see how someone would get away with the bug crushing, but surely when it comes to larger animals there is some legal issues there? How have they not been arrested for animal cruelty?
    I am not even trying and yet whenever the subject of tinder comes up I get handed all this compelling evidence that Tinder is where the bus to Wrongville in F*#%edUpTown terminates!

  30. 

    You made me laugh and laugh and confirm that i will never do tinder.

    • 

      It’s SO funny. I went out with a friend over the weekend, drank, and went on Tinder. We laughed til our faces hurt!

      But. I do have dates with one or 2 cuties. I’ll let you know how they go.

  31. 

    I wish I had saved some of the conversations I had on the online sites I used. I even used CRAIG’S LIST for a while.

  32. 

    Oh, wow! Thanks for this eye opening post and for the laughs! Damn, there are strange people out there! I do hope you find somebody who is fabulous and who deserves you!! xoxo

  33. 

    I have never been more happy to be married. Holy shit. OK, I’m going to act like your protective older sister now. I am scared for you to go on dates with even the nice, cool guys you meet on Tinder. I know you had that amazing kiss on the beach, but do you have precautions in place? Like, a friend who follows you all night and makes sure you don’t end up stuffed in a suitcase in the trunk of a car?

    • 

      I won’t go out with anyone if I don’t know all their info. I also meet them in public places.

      I met tons of The Guitarist’s friends that night. Plus, he has an album out he’s promoting. He’s pretty well known. There’s a lot of info online about him.

      That still doesn’t mean he’s not a serial killer. I’ll keep you posted. 😜

  34. 

    Samara,

    Eventually there will be a squads of women moving from city to city who bait date to exterminate crush types. They will probably be called Samaras.

    RR

  35. 

    Oh my goodness! My grand daughter goes on Tinder, looks at a pic and then hits next! Scary, scary. She has been seeing one guy she met there though that seems nice. Comes from a good Mormon family if you can believe it. She lives in Salt Lake, so it’s probably safer there? My oldest son met his wife on Christian Mingle or one of those sites and they are doing very well. They have two kids of their own and are foster parents. So it can work, I guess, but I don’t think Tinder is the answer.

  36. 

    I love this! I have just started a blog talking about my dating and encounters with tinder and men from there! so glad that you have experienced similar situations… I have just started but am hoping i’ll be as well-liked and well-read as u! :o)

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