Archives For Sexual Assault

Surrender is NOT Consent

February 12, 2014 — 59 Comments



It’s not YES.

It’s abandonment of all hope.

It’s when NO becomes frozen in your vocal cords from the realization that no one can hear you.

No one will help.

No matter how hard you fight this terrible thing is happening.

And you stop fighting once you realize

the sooner they get it over with

the better.


And you remember being plagued with nightmares as a child, constantly

to where you taught yourself how to wake up,

how to rip yourself out of a terrifying hellscape.


Not this one.


This one you can’t push yourself out of

and it’s too sensorially acute to be a nightmare.

The smell of liquor and sour breath.

The heavy weight of someone pressing down on you to where you know

you’ll suffocate and die if it goes on on any longer.


You hope you do.


Because you lost the ability to fight

once you realized the battle was lost.

It’s happening anyway.

You didn’t say YES.

You never said YES.

So you just go away. In your mind.

And wish it over, quickly.


And afterwards you tell no one because who would believe you?

You know how you present.

Even though you’re nearly innocent you know what people will think.

Because of how you look. Or act. Or dress.

Because you put yourself in that situation.

That you got what you deserved.

Your brain is bombarded with these thoughts until you believe them yourself.

That somehow, you asked for this.

And you know shame.


So you keep quiet.

You don’t need to be judged by others

when no one can Judge you

as harshly as you Judge yourself.


You keep quiet until one day your favorite student, you loved her from day one,

texts you from school

“Please get me NOW,”

And you wonder what could possibly have happened.


She tells you she had an assembly that morning on sexual assault and it

triggered the memory of that terrible night when

She didn’t say YES

She never said YES

But she didn’t fight hard enough.

Couldn’t scream loud enough.

Just gave up.

And was ashamed

to tell anyone.


And you exchange secrets like fireflies that glimmer quickly and go out.

Too difficult to catch and handle.


And you try and tell her not to feel shame,

it wasn’t her fault,

there wasn’t anything more she could have done, and

she did nothing to bring this on herself.

She didn’t say YES

She never said YES

And you realize.

It’s yourself you’re talking to.


And she’s tucked away in your house now, such a relief to have her here.

To see her sprawled on the bed in the guest room, hair up in a big pony tail.


Like Gidget.


She lays on her stomach, feet intertwined, picking her light blue nail polish, texting her friends.

And she’s told you, “he’s the ONE. I really like him. And we’re taking it.

Really Slow.”


And you’re so happy she’s found someone like that, because that’s the only way it can ever be now.


It exist for you only in your mind now

and in secret journals

under the tapping of keys and flowing ink

because you would need someone as patient and slow as your first

all the while dealing with you pushing them away emotionally.

And really, whose got time for that?

In today’s world, where instant gratification isn’t even

Fast Enough.


She looks content now.

And safe.

You’re united in that way that only survivors understand,

Blood sisters.

Mother and daughter, really.

It’s no wonder people think she’s your daughter when you’re out together.

Even though, you really look nothing alike.


What you share is the memory that

you didn’t say YES

you never said YES

But at some point, you just realized.

It was going to happen.


So you just Gave Up.

A piece of yourselves.


For the rest of your lives.




I don’t really know what to say.  But if you want to 

talk to me,  I’m listening. 



loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
(866) 331-9474
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