Archives For Rape

Good Time

April 29, 2015 — 121 Comments

shooting gallery 2

I’m king of this blood-haunted room,

Grand marshal over the endless parade of junkies, thugs and whores waiting to be immunized against their sad life stories

 

Cops crawl the streets like flies on shit and fiends need to bang their dope quick, don’t need to get popped holding a dime bag

They need a place to shoot, a sheltered squat with a stash of needles, where other dope fiends can help them hit a closed up vein

So they come here cause it’s close; cause they too sick to make it home or cause they just can’t wait

They come here for a good time

 

We the best shooting gallery down town,

Boneman, Double D and me run the place and we sell new needles for 2 bucks and bleach if you wanna clean your own

Stupid ass junkies be sharing shit and injecting each other with death,

sharing the lethal hardware of contaminated needles

 

Dope fiends always on the hustle, always on the grind, steal and sell their mama’s radio and forge her welfare check

I don’t need no fucking hustle, I make mad bank off these crack heads,

2 dollars to get in, 2 dollars for a clean needle, and all the pussy I want

Bitches come in sick, slogging through trash heaps out front, climb the rickety steps into this burned out hollow of a house

Crying and moaning they ain’t got no money and I give ’em a taste after they suck my dick

 

I won’t do no dope, I smoke herb but I ain’t about no junkie life

so I always have plenty, bitches come here knowing they can trade pussy for junk

Boneman wishes he could get pussy like I do, but he’s a dumb junkie hisself,

He lives here, his soul drained away through the tiny holes in his veins

His bed a moldy cot in a ratty gallery.

 

But tonight me and Double D getting all the pussy we want,

Tonight, we are KINGS

This is our palace, gouged walls, charred beams,

Dirty bedsheets hung over what once were windows.

Outside, trade in crack and dope busts the streets as wide open as a carnival midway,

50 dealers walk up and down, ten dollar bags in their socks,

Inside, candlelight distorted human shadows huddle together next to grimy walls,

“Cooker friends,” in solidarity for a moment over glassine packets of powder and a bottle cap,

and some bitch wrapped in blackened rags moans on a dirty mattress.

 

Tonight, they all here for a good time

 

Later I’ll go home and find mom passed out in her own piss;

an empty Colt 45 bottle rolling by her side and a Hi Point 9 mm under her pillow

My mom and her fucking men; the parade of drunken scumbags who came in and out of our lives, who came in and out of me

The one who fucked me when mom left to get scratch offs, smokes and a 40 down the block;

she’d come back and hear me crying, ass split and

let it go on a whole year cause he made good money running numbers

 

She was wasted drunk the day Julius fell out the window

My baby brother J was leaning against the screen and

people said mom was too drunk to pull him away from a loose screen

but it wasn’t

The morgue doctor saw the hole in his brain; a clean shot, a stray bullet from a playground shoot out caught him in the head and

He fell hard against that screen.

Already dead.

Still, he had no business up against that window watching gang gunfire,

And I hope to god I catch my mom without her Hi Point one night cause I would like to kill her in her sleep,

slam a pipe down on her skull and spill her ugly brains onto the pillow

 

But tonight we having a good time

 

Fucking dope fiend bitches coming in here like crazy tonight, sick and moaning and broke, and I fuck them and throw a five dollar bag at them

And the men look at me with hollow eyes

Wasted and ruined, breathing in urban grief like it was oxygen

One lame ass fool is whining that his works is too dull; he can’t get a clean shot and he

pushes it against his thick neck, wincing in pain

A trickle a blood runs down his throat, twisting like a river on a map

A map he uses to find the shortcut to death

 

Outside I ain’t nobody, I ain’t SHIT

but I got JUICE in here

If a white bitch come in here, Me and Double D, we both fuck her

White pussy don’t come in but once or twice a month

 

So this skinny white red-head bitch shows up,

I seen her before, little east village punk bitch,

She don’t smell nasty like the others, like piss and dead dreams. Her clothes is clean

She talks different too, like she finished high school.

I woulda finished high school too if I was a skinny white snooty bitch and she sound like she even went to college, yeah, she one of them community college cunts.

She smile at me, and I know she don’t mean ‘hello.’

She means ‘look at you, you dumbass nigger, working with dope fiends all day you ain’t never gonna be as good as me cause I’m WHITE’

She think she all that

She don’t need no money, she straight

But I’m gonna fuck this bitch anyway, who the FUCK she think she is?!

She ain’t better than NOBODY

She just a dumb ass dope fiend whore like the rest of ’em

 

I grab her arm and she turn around, eyes big, and she starts to pull away and I punch her face and stomach, HARD

Pull her over to the mattress and she try and crawl in between the mattress and the wall and I pull her hair, jerk her head so hard that I rip handfuls of red hair out her head

She screaming so I keep ripping red hair out her head, mixed with red blood, blood everywhere, her face, her scalp and I feel like an INDIAN scalping this crazy white bitch!

She just laying there, not even crying so

I fuck her hard and come all up inside her, I hope I leave little black babies in this bitch

But she look like she going away in her head someplace

Look at me when I fuck you!

LOOK AT ME BITCH!

I punch her face hard again so she knows who’s fucking her but her head turns up this time and my ring catches her SPLAT!  on her chin

Bust her chin wide open, wide, like my brother’s eyes when he fell 12 stories, wide as the Hudson river where we dump the bodies that OD

DAMN her face is split, blood and torn skin where her chin used to be, and that is gonna leave a nice fucking scar,

YEAH!

She gonna have a big-ass train track scar under her chin,

For the rest of her life, and

20 years from now she’s gonna be driving down the FDR drive, take the Houston street exit,

and pass by here.

Only it ain’t a shooting gallery no more, it’s a motherfucking yogurt shop

but she gonna pass it by and remember

Lift up her hand to feel that bumpy jagged scar

and remember this night

when she came in here and

we had a good time.

 

 

Talk to me. I’m listening.

Surrender is NOT Consent

February 12, 2014 — 59 Comments

Rape-1

 

It’s not YES.

It’s abandonment of all hope.

It’s when NO becomes frozen in your vocal cords from the realization that no one can hear you.

No one will help.

No matter how hard you fight this terrible thing is happening.

And you stop fighting once you realize

the sooner they get it over with

the better.

 

And you remember being plagued with nightmares as a child, constantly

to where you taught yourself how to wake up,

how to rip yourself out of a terrifying hellscape.

 

Not this one.

 

This one you can’t push yourself out of

and it’s too sensorially acute to be a nightmare.

The smell of liquor and sour breath.

The heavy weight of someone pressing down on you to where you know

you’ll suffocate and die if it goes on on any longer.

 

You hope you do.

 

Because you lost the ability to fight

once you realized the battle was lost.

It’s happening anyway.

You didn’t say YES.

You never said YES.

So you just go away. In your mind.

And wish it over, quickly.

 

And afterwards you tell no one because who would believe you?

You know how you present.

Even though you’re nearly innocent you know what people will think.

Because of how you look. Or act. Or dress.

Because you put yourself in that situation.

That you got what you deserved.

Your brain is bombarded with these thoughts until you believe them yourself.

That somehow, you asked for this.

And you know shame.

 

So you keep quiet.

You don’t need to be judged by others

when no one can Judge you

as harshly as you Judge yourself.

 

You keep quiet until one day your favorite student, you loved her from day one,

texts you from school

“Please get me NOW,”

And you wonder what could possibly have happened.

 

She tells you she had an assembly that morning on sexual assault and it

triggered the memory of that terrible night when

She didn’t say YES

She never said YES

But she didn’t fight hard enough.

Couldn’t scream loud enough.

Just gave up.

And was ashamed

to tell anyone.

 

And you exchange secrets like fireflies that glimmer quickly and go out.

Too difficult to catch and handle.

 

And you try and tell her not to feel shame,

it wasn’t her fault,

there wasn’t anything more she could have done, and

she did nothing to bring this on herself.

She didn’t say YES

She never said YES

And you realize.

It’s yourself you’re talking to.

 

And she’s tucked away in your house now, such a relief to have her here.

To see her sprawled on the bed in the guest room, hair up in a big pony tail.

 

Like Gidget.

 

She lays on her stomach, feet intertwined, picking her light blue nail polish, texting her friends.

And she’s told you, “he’s the ONE. I really like him. And we’re taking it.

Really Slow.”

 

And you’re so happy she’s found someone like that, because that’s the only way it can ever be now.

 

It exist for you only in your mind now

and in secret journals

under the tapping of keys and flowing ink

because you would need someone as patient and slow as your first

all the while dealing with you pushing them away emotionally.

And really, whose got time for that?

In today’s world, where instant gratification isn’t even

Fast Enough.

 

She looks content now.

And safe.

You’re united in that way that only survivors understand,

Blood sisters.

Mother and daughter, really.

It’s no wonder people think she’s your daughter when you’re out together.

Even though, you really look nothing alike.

 

What you share is the memory that

you didn’t say YES

you never said YES

But at some point, you just realized.

It was going to happen.

 

So you just Gave Up.

A piece of yourselves.

 

For the rest of your lives.

 

 

 

I don’t really know what to say.  But if you want to 

talk to me,  I’m listening. 

 

 

loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
(866) 331-9474
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
http://www.loveisrespect.org