I’m heading to BlogU this weekend, and have read scads of articles on how to pack for a blog conference.
I have my own ideas of what to bring. Here’s how to REALLY pack for a blog conference, à la Samara.
1. DRUGS & BOOZE
If I’m going to mingle with other humans you best believe I need to have a righteous buzz. If you see me face down sizzling in my own drool, it just means I got a package from one of my friends in Portland. Feel free to wake me by hurling Skittles at me and yelling “TASTE THE RAINBOW!!”
If you’re flying, you can always hide drugs in your vagina. If you’re not flying, you can STILL hide drugs in your vagina. Everything is better after it’s marinated in vagina.
Crushed up and snorted Adderall is fabulous when paired with a nice Merlot. Crystal meth is optional but always a crowd pleaser.
The conference is at the University of Maryland, and we’re all housed in the dormitories there. There’s no alcohol allowed in the dorm, and, YOU KNOW, NO ONE EVER BREAKS COLLEGE ALCOHOL RULES. Forget wine, I’m gonna need lots of tequila to answer questions I have no answer for, such as “What is your blog about?”
2. EVERYTHING IN MY CLOSET
One article suggested I make index cards for each day, with my itinerary written and an outfit planned.
By what sorcery would I know on Thursday what I want to wear on Saturday? I’ll need at least 3 sizes of jeans, depending on my level of bloat.
Maybe I’ll break out that pair of high-waisted denim shorts with suspenders I bought because they were on sale at Forever 21. They make me look like the love child of Boy George and Urkel but they were only $4.
You can never pack too many clothes. What if I meet a millionaire who wants to whisk me away on his boat for a three-hour tour, ♫ a three-hour tour ♫, and we run into a tropical storm and are shipwrecked on an uncharted island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and I need ALL THE THINGS?
3. FORTY-ELEVEN PAIRS OF SHOES
I’ll be doing lots of walking, so I need flats. That could mean combat boots or gladiator sandals, depending on how prehistoric my toenail look. I need stiletto heels for obvious reasons. If it rains, I’m going to need my cute rubber rain boots. Workout sneakers, in case I decide to work out. I know, I know, I don’t even work out at home don’t LOOK AT ME!
Flip-flops are essential. I do NOT want to catch foot herpes from a communal bathroom.
4. MENSTRUAL PRODUCTS
The uterus ninjas are here. Light, medium, heavy, ultra heavy “I should just stuff a fluffy rodent up there”? It’s a crap shoot these days. I’m packing the Super Deluxe Variety Pack of tampons.
5. HAIR STUFF
Blow dryer, duh. But also, in case I get ambitious, flat iron, curling iron, maybe a roller set I got on clearance at Walmart and never used? Root volume, hair spray, gel, smoothing spray, detangler, oh I was supposed to get travel sizes of all these things? Who has time for that? I’m writing THIS when I should be packing.
In case I have to make a citizen’s arrest.
7. MANY EYE MAKEUP PALETTES
I like a daytime natural eye look, but I also do a smoky eye, a cat eye (if I have an extra 30 minutes to do winged eye liner), and a statement eye (the statement being “help me, I look like Steve Buscemi.”)
8. FIREARMS, AMMUNITION AND ACCESSORIES
I’m fairly certain guns are legal int the South. YES, Maryland is the south. It’s below the Mason Dixon line, isn’t it? Listen, I’ve heard you can eat crabs and drink beer in a restaurant there without wearing a shirt or shoes. That sounds like the South to me.
Also, I need specific clothes for concealed carry. Thank goodness for this Concealed Carry Fashion Expo. A girl needs options, ya know?
9. DUCT TAPE
Why wouldn’t you want it for a blog conference? Shoe breaks, luggage tears, purse gets a hole in it? Fix it with duct tape! Flat tire? Duct tape. Skin exfoliation? Duct tape. Alien space ship crashes and needs minor repairs so they can return to the Planet Crouton? Duct tape.
Add clothespins and baby powder to the duct tape and you have a portable S&M kit. The baby powder is to help put on latex – but you knew that.
10. EMERGENCY PONCHO, FIRE EXTINGUISHER, FLASHLIGHTS, DOOR HINGES, JUMPER CABLES, GLUE GUN
Because shit happens.
By the time you read this, I’ll be on my way to BlogU!! I can’t wait to spend time with my online friends!
The most talked about event at the conference is the closing night costume party. This year’s theme is “Tacky Wedding.” Costumes are not my thing, but my girl Ashley Fuchs convinced me to dress up as “Hungover Stripper From Last Night’s Bachelor Party” since I could just pull things from my own closet. Score!
Maybe, there’ll even be pictures…
What do you pack when you go away for the weekend? Are you an overpacker, like me?
Where should I go for good crab in Maryland?
Talk to me. I’m listening.