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pain abyss - Copy

*Warning: Written while on pain meds

I rarely get sick. When I do, it’s always to such an extreme.

I don’t get colds. I have nervous breakdowns.

 

I haven’t needed dental work since I was pregnant with Little Dude. He was sucking all the calcium out of my body, along with essential macronutrients and my life force and sanity. I loathed being pregnant.

My tooth started hurting a while ago (a week? a month? Thank you, Vicodin for eroding my sense of time) and I ignored it. That’s my medical strategy. Denial.

But it got worse. Every time I chewed food on the right side I felt like I was being electrocuted through my gums. I was forced to see a dentist.

God, I hate dentists. What a shitty job that must be. Everyone dreads you.

Despite how far we’ve come in medicine, dentistry is fucking medieval. The only advancement we’ve really had is sanitation. Essentially, you still have some guy standing over you with a pair of pliers in your mouth and a foot on your stomach, pulling at your teeth. Barbaric.

 

The dentist said my wisdom tooth was impacted and pushing through my gums. AND that I needed a root canal in the tooth next to it.

Double Pain Whammy. The next thing I knew he sent in Dr. Josef Mengele, the ‘Angel of Death’ endodontist, to reenact the torture scene in “Marathon Man.

He drilled into my face, which is always awesome. That unmistakable high pitched whir, the smell of decay, bits of teeth flying everywhere like exploded shrapnel. It felt like a tiny grenade had exploded in my face.

And then he had to stop because the wisdom tooth was in the way.

The dentist office tried to get the extraction approved quickly but my insurance company was being a dick. The bottom line is always the bottom line. It doesn’t matter that there’s an infant alien with claws scratching its way out of my jaw and ripping it to pieces.

The dentist gave me antibiotic and pain meds. I’m on 10 mg Vicodin which he leaned down to tell me was “the good stuff.”

Hate to tell you Doc, but the good stuff would be an eight ball of cocaine and a bottle of Jack.

Did everyone have as druggie of a past as I did, or am I just more honest about it because I’m anonymous? I was a cocaine cowgirl during the years I bartended (and had other nighttime jobs) in New York. Last call is at 4 am. After work, I’d go to after hours clubs, the ones that operated from 4 am to noon. I would stay out until 8 in the morning, then go home to take a bath and sleep all day.

I was a vampire before it was fashionable.  A vampire with a trickle of white powdered snot running down an upper lip too numb to feel it. How attractive.

 

The stupid insurance finally approved the extraction and I’m scheduled for Monday.  I am in for a world of pain. As it is, every time the air passes over those two teeth I feel like I got punched in the face.

 

We interrupt this blog post to show you a REALLY COOL nail polish color. I actually love seeing this color dance across my keyboard…

 

FullSizeRender

 

Did I just say ‘dance across the keyboard’? Jesus these drugs are pretty good after all.

 

My kid went to his first boy/girl dance last night – the fifth grade social. Most of the boys didn’t ask any girls because the girls just wanted to go with their friends. Just as well. Little Dude will be wading thorough that sewer soon enough.

This one kid in his class is a real oddball. He picks his nose and eats it, so he’s shunned- although I’m happy to report that Little Dude is always nice to him. The Nose Picker decided to ask THE most popular girl in the fifth grade to the dance – a girl who, my own son has told me, is a super bitch to all the other kids as befitting her status as Most Popular (He didn’t use the word bitch but you get the idea).

He asked her KNOWING she would turn him down, and when she did, he recited an original poem referencing Batman.

My kid thought it was bizarre, but I think it’s SO cool. The Nose Picker has balls of steel. Maybe he’s getting certain booger nutrients that enables him to break free of social constraints.

Sometimes, you have to risk rejection. And then recite an original poem featuring Batman.

 

When I went to pick him up I didn’t plan to get out of the car. I had on Victoria Secret boxer shorts and no shoes. The school is just down the street.

Of COURSE when I got there all the doting moms were parked and going inside to retrieve their kid. Is it bad or good that no one said a word to me about my bare feet and boxers?

 

Now I have to cancel my date tonight, because the last thing I want is something in my mouth.

Get your minds out of the gutter. By ‘something,’ I mean penis.

 

I’m worried that after I have both the wisdom tooth out and the root canal after that I will be DYING IN PAIN and unable to write anything for a really long time and you’ll all just forget about me.

Don’t forget about me. Wow, opiates make me needy.

I’m just here, floating on a cloud of Vicodin, trying to figure out which draft I should work on.

I’m going to list a few of them here. I’d love it if you told me in the comments which one you think I should write?

1. How to Shoplift

2. In Which I Admit to Being a Grateful Dead Fan

4. Things I Found in My House

5. Patty Hearst and the Symbionese Liberation Army

6. The Grinch Who Stole Mother’s Day

7. That Time I was In a Cult

8. Greetings From the Pain Abyss     Oopsie! Not that one! That’s this post.

 

I don’t even know if anyone will read this. I don’t usually publish on the weekends. I guess I’m about to find out, right?

And now I must go eat something. That’s one of the benefits of being a grown up. I can eat melted ice cream for lunch and NO ONE CAN STOP ME.

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Is there anything more painful than a toothache? I’m really a baby, aren’t I?
Should I go back and proofread this post?
Talk to me. I’m listening.

GUEST BLOGGER: LITTLE DUDE

So, it’s

The Return of the Official Matticus Kingdom Tug-of-War

This year’s game:

For the return of the world famous game, we have chosen the prompt: 

Which universe of superheroes (and villains) is superior: Marvel or DC?

Matticus is leadingTeam Marvel.

Rara is leading Team DC.

I unwittingly spoke too soon.

When it was suggested by Matticus that one’s argument for Team Marvel could consist of,

Robert Downey Jr. is HOT (and I liked him when he was a MESS, perhaps even more so)

I gave my support to Team Marvel.

However, I said I would consult Little Dude to extend my argument. He, who at 10, understands all things Super Hero – ish.

But alas…

A CONFLICT arose in the Kingdom. (Definitely in my house).

He was, in fact, a supporter for the OTHER team. Team DC.

I consulted Matticus, and it was decreed, that Little Dude could have his OWN say, and guest blog his support for Team DC. .

What you are about to read is pure, unadulterated Little Dude.

He is a HUGE fan of many blogs on WordPress, (no – he is abso-fucking-lutely not allowed to read mine).

So yes – the blog quote he uses in his post is, in fact, one of his favorites.

He knows it, word for word. He makes his Mama proud.

With no further ado, I bring you my very first guest blogger:

Little Dude!!

Marvel vs DC

First of all I don’t know why all of you guys are a having a “little” competition about D.C. versus Marvel.

I mean, come on! We all know D.C. wins by a landslide.

Optimus Prime from the Good Greatsby said “Not rooting for the Pirates is like not rooting for a half-blind orphan missing an arm competing in a horse race on a cat to save his parents’ farm.”

The same thing applies to rooting for Marvel.

*Read following sentence in voice of evil immortal* (God)

This is why you weak mortals, oops, I mean “Marvel,” fans are wrong.

DC had the first EVER comic super hero, The Phantom, who was created by writer, artist, and one of those people who is just next to God,

LEE FALK.

When the father of the British sailor, Christopher Walker, is killed in a pirate attack in 1536, he takes an oath to fight crime. And to pass this oath on to his son, so his son can pass it on.

Eventually this crazy idea of Christopher’s got to rich playboy Jimmy Wells. He is married to Diana Palmer and has 2 children.

He also has a horse named Hero and a wolf named Devil. Like all the other Phantoms, he lives in the ancient skull cave.

Do you think Hulk could ride a horse? No, he is too… pleasantly plump.

 Mexican-Food-Funny-The-Hulk

 

Who is worse than Bin Laden? Only the Joker is. He kills tons of people and thinks of life as a big game.

The ONLY person brave enough to fight this psycho madman is BATMAN. He saw his own parents being mugged and killed in an alley at night. For his whole entire childhood he was afraid of bats, and decides to embrace his fear and become like one.

In “The Dark Night Rises” he kills himself just to save his city. Wow – he’s not anywhere near a hero.

He’s a DANG LEGEND.

 

Not only is D.C. good, Marvel STINKS!  Don’t even get me started on Deadpool – he can’t even kill Deathstroke.

2164436-deadpool_vs_deathstroke

 

Thor is not even really that strong. It’s his toy “wack-a-mole” hammer that gives him his strength.

MAD-Thor

 

The best video game Marvel has out is a Lego game.

lego

 

They could not come up with another good idea so Marvel just made The Hulk orange and called him Thing.

Come on, where is the originality,  guys?

team-up-hulk-and-thing

 

It really disappointed me when I found out Woverine’s claws came out of his knuckles, not his fingers.

Okay, this he knows nothing about and I'm going to have some fancy footwork to do in the morning

Okay, this he knows nothing about and I’m going to have some fancy footwork to do in the morning

 

How come Captain America has only a shield? Wouldn’t he need a sword or spear to go along with it?

NO SWORD, BUT THOSE ARE SOME SWEET DANCE MOM TIGHTS!

No sword, but those are some sweet Dance Mom tights!

 

This is why Marvel is worse than a Kraken eating your house when you were away on summer vacation in Hawaii drinking from coconuts, never knowing your house was even being Krakened.

WHAT'S KRAKEN, BRO?

WHAT’S KRAKEN, BRO?

 

Did I even mention Injustice? It is one of the best games ever. It is on the computer, the X box, Wii, and a few others.

They have most of the D.C. characters, plus unbelievable graphics and sweet venues. All D.C. gamers will agree with me. Nightwing’s move set is unbelievable. You might want to tell Marvel to try and make a better game than this.

It’s getting late now, and my mom’s eyes are starting to roll. She’s also starting to drool a little.

Around here, that’s the universal sign for me to go to sleep. So, for now, I’ll just say,

Little Dude – Out!

 

And his Mama says,

go-the-fuck-to-sleep

What side are you on?  DC? Marvel? 

Talk to me. I’m listening. 

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