Archives For Relationships

This is what it feels like when it’s over and you have to feel it, every bit of it.

It feels like every corpuscle of blood is drained out of your body and you can’t move

or like your body is filled with shattered glass which stabs at your insides

and you can’t numb it, not with the usual suspects. Because you’re clean now, and you won’t throw that away this time.


This is what it feels like when you dream of them holding you

When in reality you never got to feel their arms around you, not once

and you feel so safe engulfed in their arms you weep bitterly when you wake


This is what it feels like when you can only remember that last phone call

And how you strained to say everything that needed to be said. And how impossible that was

The journey between you so complicated that by the time you get to this place

the twisted helix of your relationship snakes around and around until you end up

exactly where you were before

there is only so much that can be said in words


This is what it feels like to finally know you’re crazy.

Because when your neighbor found you in the street wild haired and barefoot

in pajamas and a tee shirt in 45 degree weather

she put you in her car and drove you home while you babbled that you just needed some air

But couldn’t tell her what day of the week it was.

She said you were in shock. which is the polite way of saying, “you are crazy.”


This is what it feels like when you try to remember the good times

And there were far less of them. Mostly you remember the bad

You struggle to remember that yes, there WAS love.

And you battle the ugly memories out of your brain because you want peaceful closure

Not anger. Not now. Not anymore


This is what it feels like when you try to etch out who you are

From what they made you into

You will not be that person. You are evolving into something much higher

You are only the product of what they did to you in that

it gave you a road map of what you will not be


This is what it feels like to not be a mother to your son

Ignoring his pain because you’re lost in your own

You hear him sobbing and can’t even go to him because you’re frozen in time

And you fail him.



This is what it feels like to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling

And tell yourself, THIS is where you will live now.

It’s really just a room in your brain but you have no reason to leave

Keep the shades drawn so the sun can’t get in and remind you that everyone else is still alive

After the sun goes down, pretend to sleep with the television left on all night long

Volume turned off

And replay your own series

of every time they hurt you or made you feel special. Sometimes simultaneously.


This is what it feels like when you can’t eat

Food tastes like ashes

So you drink tea

And wish it were Jack Daniels. At 8 am in the morning.



This is what it feels like when you’re cooking dinner for your kid

And planning his birthday party

That now he won’t get to have

And blasting the Black Keys

And dancing with him around the kitchen

And the phone rings

And your brother says

“mom just died.”

Out of nowhere. She wasn’t even sick.

This is what it feels like

It feels like

It feels.


It feels.


It feels.


I love you all for reading. But comments are closed
I can’t listen today. Another time, okay? 



I recently came upon an article, “21 tips On How to be a Perfect Girlfriend for your Guy.”

Women already work for less money than men, made the diet industry worth a gazillion dollars so we can be someone else’s idea of beautiful, and watch porn to learn how to completely suppress our gagging reflexes.

Why not also mold yourself into a brainless Malibu Barbie?

Want to know how painful it is to get anal, jailhouse style? Read these. I added my responses.


1. Look great for him. Men are visual.

Yes, that’s why he’s addicted to YouPorn. Unless you have another chick and can deep throat a python, you lose.

And what about how jacked up he looks? Splashing your dick in the sink to get a blow jay does not count as hygiene.

2. Smell Great for him.

Never mind that sleeping in the same room with my Ex was like Weekend At Auschwitz. Welcome to the Gas Chamber. Between him and my son I risked asphyxiation daily.

3.  Stop nagging and complaining.

I’m sure you’d love it if the only tine I opened my mouth was to fellate you. I wouldn’t nag you if the garage didn’t look like we stumbled onto an episode of Hoarders, what with that important paperwork from the 80’s and all.

4. Love him. More than anything.

Ohhh, now we’re trapped in an Erectile Dysfunction commercial. The gorgeous mature couple are laughing and frolicking on the beach and it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t slipped her the high hard one since the Bush administration.

Fuck that. Smother him in his sleep and sport fuck the 25-year-old trainers at the gym. They get hard ons when someone opens a can of tuna.

5. Love Yourself. Be secure and radiate positive energy, smile every day.

Better yet, VERY SINGLE SECOND. Pop Xanax like Tic Tacs so you can resemble an escaped mental patient.

6.  Be devoted.

Focus your energy obsessively on him until he’s at the point where he fantasizes waterboarding you.

Blind devotion is creepy. The next thing you know you’ve given away all your worldly possessions, shaved your head and you’re dancing around Los Angeles International Airport playing your karatala with Hare Krishnas.

7. Like his friends.

Even if they’re imbeciles, like his best friend who tried to finger bang you in the kitchen during Super Bowl Sunday. And then peed on your floor.

8. Be a sex goddess.

Did they really tell you to fulfill all his fantasies? Do they know he’s into acrotomophilia? (sexual attraction to amputees) Are you gonna chop your legs off for this motherfucker? And never shoe shop again?

And you forget you chopped off your legs, and you wake up Friday morning, all, “Hey, it’s the weekend, I’m gonna go dancing!” and then you are like, “Ohh. That’s right. I can never dance again because I have no legs.

9.  Cook well. Or at least try.

I happen to love to cook. It relaxes me. But a lot of women DO NOT.

So, if he’s an asshole,  poison him slowly, over a month. Just put traces of cyanide in his food as he grows progressively weaker. Then one day, he keels over.

Bon appetit, jizztrumpet!

10. Love is in the details. Give him gifts, massage and pamper him.

I’m not gonna massage your hairy back, Sasquatch. If you’re nice I’ll give you a handjob – that counts as a massage in my book.

11. Appreciate him.

Yes, because it’s so nice of him to hold your hair back during his morning blow job.

12. Stroke his ego.

Because his narcissism has only partially destroyed you. Let’s feed that monster until your soul is crushed irreparably.

13. Make him feel like a man.

I have a better idea. Why don’t you just come fully formed as one already? How long do you get to be a boy? Isn’t there an expiration date on that shit?

You get to put your dick in my vagina. If that isn’t manly enough for you, then go build something. Or kill a deer.

14. Help him grow by being his partner, not his enemy. Help him fulfill his potential, maybe even his destiny.

Well, aren’t WE lofty. You neglect your dreams and ambitions and pour all your energy into someone who will exploit you.

This is straight out of the Ike Turner “How to Treat A Bitch handbook.

15. Have a life and a passion.

Not so that YOU can flourish. But to be a better girlfriend for HIM.

Hear that horrible creaking death rattle? That’s Betty Friedan rolling over in her grave.

16. Be better than all of his ex’s combined.

As if women aren’t competitive enough. But you’re the new and improved version. Which means you have to pay the price for every crazy bitch his dick ever fell into.

17. Give him space.

Sure, give him space, give him the whole galaxy. Just know that what he’s doing with that space is fucking your friends.

18. Have a pleasing personality.

Is it just me, or does this one just makes you want to bludgeon him to death with your own amputated leg? (see #8) How about if I stick you in a cage, cover you in birdseed and let a bunch of agitated birds peck the shit out of you? Does that please you?

19. Don’t take him for granted; don’t be lazy.

Never mind that his toenails are a deadly weapon and his inner ears are dotted with sexy blackheads. Or that he thinks a date is him belching to Netflix.

20. Work out regularly.

Guess what? This has everything to do with me wanting to be strong and nothing to do with looking good for you. Doesn’t this work both ways? I don’t appreciate having to lift your stomach with both hands to find your dick.

21. Be feminine.

How about I grab this girly feminine pink pistol I purchased and shoot you in the throat? I’m pretty sure that’s legal in the South.


There was actually more advice, but I can’t continue. I need to do something less excruciating, so I’ll be giving myself a urethral catheter.


Do you have other suggestions on how to be the perfect girlfriend?
Does this article make you want to projectile vomit?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

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