About

 

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I had the right to remain silent. But I declined.

I’m Samara. I started this blog because I don’t quite fit in anywhere – I’m  “A Buick in the Land of Lexus.” I’m originally from New York city, but now I live in suburban New Jersey. I’m not sure how I got here, but it’s a good place to raise a kid – Little Dude, my 12 year old. He’s the coolest kid around.

I was a wild child back in the 90’s. I had a couple of very shady jobs- like when I worked as a phone girl in a whore house, or in a Wall Street strip club. I got into lots of trouble and I hung out with all the wrong people. What, you mean you were never a part of a cult?

Now that I’m a suburban mom, I try not to get involved with too much mayhem – although I did once murder a dance mom. And the PTO moms can suck it.

I’m originally from the projects, so there’s always a bit of that in me. I’ve had some amazing opportunities, which I’ve managed to blow exquisitely – like when I was part of the Lollapalooza tour in 1994 but who knows? Maybe I’ll still get to fuck up up my life a few more times.

 

Writing is how I breathe.

It’s my favorite coping mechanism, and how I explore some of the darker things I’ve experienced. I almost got trampled to death on when the World Trade Towers collapsed on Sept 11. I’ve survived drug addiction, and sexual assault.

 

FRESHLY PRESSED

I’ve been Freshly Pressed 6 times, and featured on the Word Press “Discover” page once.

Two of those stories were about education, which I’m passionate about. I think we need to tear down our education system and start all over. The latest story I wrote about high school illiteracy was the story on WP’s “Discover” feature.

My first FP’d story was about my family’s history of mental illness. I also wrote about struggling with my kid’s special needs. 

I was Freshly Pressed for my story about drug addiction, which went viral.

I wrote a story for The Sisterwives Blog, which I founded, about escaping from my abusive marriage, and that was FP’d.

On the lighter side, I was FP’d for a rant about writer’s block and Charles Bukowski.

 

LITTLE DUDE

I’m a single mom, and my kid is one of my favorite things to write about. Although when I wrote about getting arrested for disciplining my child, that post went viral and for a few days, I was The Worst Mother on the Internet. Going viral is an intense experience.

My kid is hilarious, and usually foremost on my mind – even when he’s not around. Or even when he’s practicing his sax, which sounds like someone is shitting out farm equipment. I’m trying to raise him to be strong and independent – but I’m sure I’m screwing THAT up. I’ll let you know in 10 years.

 

I TRY TO BE FUNNY

You know what? I’ve found that only the truth is funny. Yes, I really DID have a dying dog over for Thanksgiving – and although I didn’t actually book an African safari for Little Dude’s bar mitzvah, I considered it.

Life is hard – for everyone. I don’t care what your circumstances are. So, I try to laugh and make people laugh.

I can be potty mouthed and inappropriate, but I’m not going to quit my day job to write erotica anytime soon.

If you’re a child of the 80’s, then you’ll understand why I paid homage to John Hughes teen movies. Or why I feel as old as fuck. And why the rock and role life style doesn’t mesh well with being a mom. No week-long drinking and drugging rock festivals for me.

 

SPOKEN WORD

So I kicked out a few spoken word pieces and uploaded them to sound cloud. One is about growing up white in an all-black housing project. The other is about blow jobs because – why not?

 

SEX

Yeah, yeah – so I write about sex. Doesn’t everybody?

Once upon a time, I wrote about a woman’s right to use the words “slut and whore” – and the name of the post was “A Slut, A Whore, A Blogger, A Mom.”

Well.

From that day on, the number one search term for my blog, every day, is “Slut Mom,” thanks to the degenerates on the Internet. I finally embraced it and wrote the Slut Mom Blog. After all, someone once referred to me as a “Punk Rock MILF.” Even my own gynecologist recommended the use of dildos.

I wrote about how to save your marriage with oral sex, even thought I’m not a huge fan of marriage. I wouldn’t even marry another woman, although, God help me – I do sometimes fall in love with women.

These days, as a single mom, outside of the occasional creepy dick pic I receive online, there’s not a whole lot of shaboinking going over here. 

 

SOCIAL MEDIA

I left Facebook for a month, and that was an intense experience. Facebook is just another form of addiction. I did end up on Instagram, and immediately starting having crushes there. 

Speaking of social media, if you are so inclined, you can find me on Facebook (yep, I went back on), Instagram, and Twitter. Come and find me there so I can have friends without leaving the house.

 

xoxo,

Samara

 

 

95 responses to About

  1. 

    This about section was sort of lacking. But, then again, mystique has its own advantages.

  2. 

    See what you did there?
    I could never come up with something like that.
    Plus I don’t smoke.

    And,in the spirit of the whole mystique thing – the only pic you all get is one where you can’t see my face.
    I’m really a man.

  3. 

    I’ve been to hell…he did not like me…

    • 

      Then he did not know you.
      I’ve been to the Shed. Or, I’ve read about the Shed; I’ve not been invited yet.
      It is the ultimate Man Cave. Every man should have one.

  4. 

    Thanks for gracing my blog with your comments. I like your style.

    • 

      You’re so very welcome, sir!! You are a blogging force to be reckoned with, and I am inspired!

      I just received some award, and I am going to answer the questions as snarkily as possible- and plagiarize myself, from your from own comment section.

  5. 

    In your “about” you say a lot with very little. I always prefer that over the opposite. Thank you for that. I’m looking forward to following your stuff 😉

    • 

      Hey Ned!!
      What an honor!!

      Actually, I just put that up recently. Two of those “about” items were said about me in reference to a recent, er, bit of drama that went on in the blogosphere.

      I thought it was so funny – since I’m not part of any drama intentionally – that I made it part of my “About” page.

      So there, WordPress drama!!

      Thanks for stopping by. I love when a Superstar makes time for one of the little people.

  6. 

    😀 This page rocks, Samara. Just like you! xo!

  7. 

    okay… the glasses are sexy…

  8. 

    Found you through our managing editor, Emily, from The Waiting Blog and holy crap, finally another mother I could be friends with!

    • 

      Hey Erika-
      I’m so glad we found each other! Welcome. Have a cup of chai tea. It’s too early for wine (I think).

      I told Emily that I have a particular fondness for mommy-ish bloggers.

      I’m a crazy sorta mom, but something tells me you are too!

      I look forward to hanging with all of you over at Tipsy Lit!

  9. 

    Hi, miss Samara!

    What about this one:

    • 

      What am I looking at?

      Are you calling me Miss cause I’m old?

      Like, you’re a kid and I’m the teacher? Cause that’s just wrong…

      • 

        haha! No, you are a stripper, or you were for a night, so cheers to that. Boing. Anyways, I think the link got blocked. Your banner proof is on my page. You should be getting a notification for it. If not, stop over on the post you commented on about the free banners and let me know what you think. \m/

      • 

        I’m NOT a stripper –

        I’m a respectable citizen with a job and a kid- you see my picture –
        I wear glasses, I drink coffee. I’m legit.

        \m/ now you got me doing this shiz

      • 

        Respectable spectacles, that still makes me want to say ‘fuck yeah! cool!” Hurry up and drink your coffee and check out your banner. And the rock hand is mandatory. You’re cool by the way. I like you already.

        \mm/ <– too much rock for one hand!

  10. 

    Part time sex puppet?
    Don’t worry, I’m sure things will pick up.
    By the way, feel free to give me a valid e-mail address for your 5×5 queries so I can rock your world – in a non-sexual way, of course.

  11. 

    hello Samara Dear,
    I have nominated your blog for the Liebster Award March 2014; the following is original piece of my nomination post pertaining to your blog on my site @ http://americanainjustica.wordpress.com

    4. – Samara is another eye-catching, heart-stopping, soul-moving, and gut-wrenching real-life blogger who tells it like is – and isn’t sorry for it. I admire this woman for many reasons, reasons that will only become clearer to you as you read her stuff – she’s a natural writer with a twist of ghetto and spritz of trash (I say that in the most genuinely supportive and endeared way, Samara!). You read her, you’ll need her.

  12. 

    I have another award nomination for you, Samara, and this one must bring good luck because it is called The Sevens Awards.
    Have a great day, my friend.
    http://markbialczak.com/2014/03/04/this-award-come-in-sevens-an-amazing-bundle/

    • 

      Mark – dear friend-
      This is AMAZING –
      And I am feeling the love, and the LUCK.

      I feel really great, actually. All these accolades are overwhelming!

      I hope you know how grateful I am for your support and friendship. And that one day, we may even meet in person and break bread together in sunny Syracuse – me, you, and your dear wife Karen!
      xo,
      S

  13. 
    Shards Of DuBois March 26, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    hey there woman, just wanted to comment on your “I’m not special” post, since you blocked us out… so listen, you don’t want to be special. cause then you would’ve rode the short bus, wore diapers and picked your nose while chatting with others. what you do want to be, is just the way you are. don’t ever let what others think of you matter. don’t let it ‘be felt’ because there will always be a-holes and when you let them get to you, they win. next time someone puts you down, look em straight in the eye, smile, and say, “did you enjoy that? I hope so, because a moment from now you’re gonna feel like an a-hole… for a very long time.” make sure to exit stage right! and make sure to smile, or laugh loudly, that always kills them. lol tc

  14. 

    Samara, this isn’t me begging for a reader. YOU told me to blog. This is just me letting you know, I am. Just fiction. I would’ve e-mailed it, but I forgot your address and I am seriously technologically challenged. (So blogging should be interesting.) I hope that whatever had you tied up in knots last week is thoroughly washed from your life. -Gail

  15. 

    I hate bios…including my own. I’d rather learn about someone through their words. And yours are reveal a lot. Thanks, dude

  16. 

    I don’t think I’ve ever been on your about page! I love that I can see your face!!!

  17. 

    Brief, witty and upfront. I like it. 🙂

  18. 

    Hi Samara, I always have a good time reading your posts! I have recommended you for the Most Influential Blogger Award. If you want to accept, please follow this link to read more about it. http://wp.me/p4mdvX-iK All the best, Barbara

  19. 

    Hey there. Wanted to let you know I’ve awarded you the “Most Influential Blogger” Award. I crack up every time I read your posts and find it so refreshing that another mom out there finally speaks the truth.
    Check it out here: http://nonsenseshenanigans.com/2014/06/26/most-influential-blogger-award/

  20. 

    Love your writing style, Samara. And truly touched by your most recent post.

    Truth wins,
    Dani

  21. 

    HAHAHA Blogasm! Fucking brilliant!

  22. 

    Who needs more content anyway on the “about” page?
    Nuff said.
    You are fucking great
    Thanks for the daily relief from the piles of sappy shit in my blog category (expat life) that read like a ten year old looking out the window of his parent’s old Buick.
    Power on
    http://www.experimentalexpats.com (warning; nothing raunchy)

  23. 

    What? Is the blogisphere like 1 block long? I found you from a comment you made on mysuccessisyoursuccess and as I was reading the comments above I discover that you have at least 4 bloggers that I already follow! Obviously they have good taste so I might as well sign on for the ride, looks like it might be a wild one, so, yah!

  24. 
    Writer Of The Universe February 16, 2015 at 9:15 pm

    I can’t help but think this is all a bit of a wank really, isn’t it? Reading through everyone’s comments “Oh I love your writing style” and “Oh, I’ve nominated you for blogger of the year”. I’d so love to jump in to blogging bed with you and blog your fucking blog out.

    We’re all a bunch of wankers really, aren’t we?! Blowing smoke up each others arse and talking about in riddles. I don’t understand half of what everyone is crapping on about and I find it amusing. We’re all a bunch of frauds, trying to use commas in the right place and make ourselves look bloggingly fantastic.

    I did like your “This is the last time I get high” post- are you really a junkie? Still? And how many followers do you have, out of interest? Have they sky rocketed since becoming a freshly pressed blogging guru? Give me something to look forward to so I know what I’ll be in for when the blogging gods decide to shine their light on to me..

  25. 

    Perhaps this is too early in the relationship, but I need you to know that I am in love with your writing. I may be stalker-ish tonight, reading through your posts. I mean no harm.

  26. 

    Love the honesty in your blog. The yoga article was hilarious. I’m a slutty single mom too!

  27. 

    I’m going to be totally honest here; I found your blog looking for a nominee to the Liebster Award. But I noticed that you’ve already been there, done that. Still, I like what I see and I’m going to keep your link posted on my blog http://www.Davydsblog.com . . . an Award Too? Check it out if you’re curious.

  28. 

    I LOVE YOU
    AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART
    THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND ❤

    I wrote here since you closed comments on the reblog for me 🙂 swoon x2

  29. 

    No blogasm necessary, just letting you know I nominated you for a blog award 🙂 I know you’re not into those, but I’m very pleased to share your work with others, and the rules say I have to inform you. Heaven knows we can’t break rules in the blogosphere! 😛
    http://jolenemottern.com/2015/05/06/black-wolf/

  30. 

    Happy birthday, kiddo!
    And many many more.

  31. 

    Oh dear… I had such great plans to actually get something done this morning, other than having this laptop stuck to my lap like it was supper glued there (I’d rather have a gnome for goodness sake) then that darn Rara sent me over to wish you a Happy Birthday and that was like an hour ago. Why do I listen to her? Cause she is so darn cute! Anyway. Understatement of the day goes to= Great writing! Loved it! Love you! But I have to stop reading you for now and go DO something, I just can’t remember what. (oh yeah me too)

    • 

      Thank you so much for stopping by, and commenting! I often get sucked into the black hole of blog-dom, and before I know it, my whole morning has gone by.

      Matter of fact, that’s happening at this exact moment…
      xoxoxoxo

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