One For Sex, One For Money, and One For Love

July 5, 2017 — 48 Comments


Vanessa, the Reigning Queen of the strip club I worked at in the 90’s, had figured out the secret to the male/female dynamic.

She insisted that women can simply not get all their needs met from one man.

It takes three. We need one man for sex, one for money and one for love.


In my 20’s, I didn’t *look* for specific qualities in a partner.  I once fell in love with a man because of how he looked hailing a cab in the rain.


Now, in middle age, women have a roster of specifications. We want someone tall/smart/kind/successful/funny/sexy/fit/rich/woke.

We’re pushing ourselves right into the”die alone with cats eating our faces” sphere with these provisos.


And yet – why delegitimize my needs? Maybe it’s not about the size of his biceps or the car he drives, but it’s about making my soul sing.


Music Biz Guy is smart and kind and not only knows who Patti Smith is, he LOVES her. We share an appreciation for kitschy films and great books. He talks me down from the ledge when I travel to receive writing awards and can’t leave my hotel room.

He’s for Love. Platonic Love. I’m not attracted to him at all. I’ve tried. Even copious amounts of tequila, which is always a reliable kick starter for my libido, has failed me. No spark, no ignition.


Muscle Man – well, I’m not sure what he’s into. Like most men without body fat, he pursues very little outside of the gym. But he makes me feel safe.

He’s for Sex. Also possibly for High Contrast Photos. His skin is the most sublime dark chocolate. But not for Love – I could not love someone whose brain I didn’t want to lick.


Top Cop is smart and successful and fit. Perfect age for me – mid 50s. He has a summer house on the beach and can order a bottle of wine like nobody’s business. He is for Money. Possibly for Sex. Definitely not for Love.

He doesn’t know Iggy Pop from Iggy Azalea. My sordid past would worry him. He’s always been a Responsible Adult, even in his 20’s. He was having kids and passing out cigars while I was raising hell and passing out in clubs.


Rocker Dude is smokin’ hot. We have amazing physical chemistry. He’s super smart and very creative and basically perfect – except he’s crazy.

When I don’t respond to his texts he sends me 40 more. He’s intense and verbose and the male version of me, only I’m the male version of me, but either way he’s out of his mind and we can’t BOTH be like that.

He’s blowing my phone up right now. Remind me to never stick my dick in crazy, okay?

He’s for Sex. Maybe for Love? Definitely not for Money and most certainly not for Ever.




So many women place the majority of their identity into being the partner to one person. Twist their ankles stuffing their foot into that glass slipper.

I’m not looking to start a family with someone. Why shouldn’t I live at the apex of possibility?


If I could find everything in one man – one person – I would be with that person.

I want a man who will brew me coffee while I write. Let me sit on his lap and act like a little girl, even though my therapist claims that’s unhealthy. A man who will figure out why my kitchen cabinets don’t close and who will rotate my tires and that’s not a metaphor for ANYTHING except automobile maintenance.

I want a man to Pretty Woman the shit out of me. BUY ME THINGS.

Yes, I’m THAT woman.

Take me shopping on Madison Avenue, take me to Hawaii, get me a goddamn maid.

I’m the woman who wants to ride on the back of your motorcycle to a dive bar in Asbury Park. The woman who will tell you to get that neck tattoo, the woman who doesn’t give a shit what you earn or what you drive or where you live as long as you can carry me up a flight of stairs and fling me on the bed.

Yes. I’m THAT woman.

I’m the woman who wants NO responsibilities, to be in charge, to wear The Pants, to never wear pants, to do it all, to sit on the couch and just listen to the house settle and breathe.

I’m the woman who will steal your soul, heal your heart, serve you breakfast in bed, refuse to cook, kneel at your feet, smash plates when I’m angry and give you makeup sex so good you’ll always be looking for a fight.

I want a man who will love my roadmap of scars, my slaughtered dreams, my relentless need, my clenched fist, my hollow disregarded heart.

I want a man who loves me, not DESPITE the fact that I’m insane, uncivilized, emotional, unreasonable and unrealistic, but BECAUSE I am.

I want a man who knows that bliss is hidden at the center of our raw, aching parts.

I want a man who will love even the tarnished clichés of the paragraphs I just wrote.


I will build a collection of men to fill my needs, knowing that they can never be met.

Until then, I’ll slay dragons and kiss princes and dream of the day I can tell the difference between the two.


Have you found your soul mate? Does that exist?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 


Come hang out with me on Facebook and Instagram so I can have friends without leaving the house.

48 responses to One For Sex, One For Money, and One For Love


    I have been looking for four years since my marriage ended and have only found men that fill one and a bit needs. I am not above keeping a few in my life while I keep looking. The one who broke my heart though – Tony – I loved him and his brain and his physicality and the nights out and the sex. He was everything I had been seeking except he couldn’t stay separated and went back to his wife. Killer.
    So I have my few guys but I don’t keep any around if they love me but I don’t love them. I don’t think it’s fair, but it sure is tempting. xo


      Isn’t that always the way? The one man who is perfect for you isn’t available.

      Maybe she could have a *cough, cough* accident?


        If not for taking a mother away from a child I may consider it lol…
        I could have him in my life physically for as long as I like, even though it’s now an affair. It’s hard to resist. The mental and physical connection is amazing.


    I don’t know that a soul mate has to exist romantically. It’s a nice thought though. Still, I am very lucky because I *have* at least found someone who gets me and I believe would like me to be a forever friend. So there’s that, which is really pretty huge.

    I would like more though. Someday. With someone who’s for me.

    I am glad you’re writing this kind of thing. Makes me think.


      Finding a forever friend IS huge.

      I think I would at least like someone to grow old with, be it friend or lover. It probably gets very hard to take care of oneself, and a partner would help.


        It’s already hard to take care, especially of the inner self. Having a caring, understanding person to grow old with is the dream. I hope you get it 💜💜


      I believe that, true love can never be wrong, if it’s true fabulous.



    Well, I’ve found someone who makes me a better man and is the perfect partner in every way.


      I think, in very rare instances, it happens.

      I can tell you’ve found your soulmate. It shows through anytime you say anything about your wife on social media.

      I bet she feels the same way about you. Xo


    I guess I may be the anomaly to that idea of a soul mate. I had mine in high school, knew it but didn’t know it, lost him, and found him again 25 years later…knowing at that moment that it was him and he always knowing it was me. We are the rare and fortunate ones. But it didn’t come without 25 years of ridiculous and repetitive, and some abusive, heartbreak. Are we a perfect match? Yes. Are we perfect together? Yes. Do we have a perfect relationship? No. There is no such thing, only mutual satisfaction that we have what we want and we can weather the storms that life throws at us. But I credit him for all of that, because I am the “crazy.” He is the anchor that keeps me from floating too far out in the sea of distractions.
    I love this post, Samara. It speaks to me on a thousand levels and I “get” every piece of it. I hate saying that I wish for every soul out there to find their other half, their yang to their yin, because I’m afraid of how it sounds coming from someone who has it. But from my sincere and feeling heart, I do wish it.


      Please do wish for all of us to find the yin to our yang- even if it’s not another person. We all need something that completes us.


    I think there is a lot of truth to this. When I met my wife she was several years younger than me and a bit batshit. I was also dating somebody several years older that was great for going out to dinner, watching a movie, having an actual conversation. Eventually I choose the wackjob and we have an awesome kid together. Now I’m the boring old guy and I’m starting to wonder if she has a crazy dude on the side


      Hi! Welcome!

      So what made you choose the wackjob? I’m afraid you’re going to tell me she was hotter than the older woman. This will confirm what I already know about men – crazy is okay, as long as she’s hot.


    Hmmm – I think I have never, or, at least for long, managed to be all three of those purposed men for one woman. Even two at a time can be a challenge. So here is the corollary question: Do men need three women too? Might it really be too much to expect one person to be all three for ever?


      I’ve written before about my thoughts on men in this regard.

      I don’t think it comes naturally for men to settle down with one woman. Not for the same reasons we have, but because men are biologically programmed to be hunters and conquerers. I believe most men would be happiest with at least two wives.

      If it doesn’t kill them…


        Two wives, huh? A lot of men seem to spend their lives complaining that one (at least the one they have) is too many and none is too few. Still, being able to hand him off to a co-wife when he gets troublesome might be better for the women. 😀


    Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
    Samara shares life and poses questions.


    Because our culture tries to fit round-peg evolutionary biology into the square hole of religious doctrine, with the most successful marketing camoaign in human history of the idea next to how well capitalism has been marketed, this is what our culture demands. No one can be everything to someone else. They’re not meant to be a mirror image of you with the opposite nards. The differences are to help you grow as a person. Humanity, however, will be doomed to trying to figure this stuff out as long as we exist as a species.


      Although monogamy is not biologically natural, pair bonding is. I don’t think it’s all cultural programming.
      Life is hard. Many things are much easier if you have a partner.

      Great comment, as always. Food for thought. Appreciate you stopping by and reading. xo

    Gretchen Kellaway July 5, 2017 at 1:20 pm

    I always think I shouldn’t talk about it. I shouldn’t say, hey this magical creature exists, because I found mine. Then I think about it and how I sort of stumbled pain drunk into his arms, when I wasn’t really looking and I totally didn’t want it. I just wanted sex and perhaps a good conversation. I wanted to live as myself for a while and not somebody else’s somebody. I had DJ guy, muscle bod alcoholic, and random bartender who filled the void of the crazy girl who never knew much outside of the house. So when Mr. Perfect stepped in, I was caught in a net I didn’t want to be stuck in. And no matter how much I struggled, I couldn’t break free. At first, the sexual attraction wasn’t there. I swear it. I couldn’t turn my body on to the idea my brain was stewing. I can’t even tell you when the flip was switched and I one day looked at this man and thought, “Damn, he’s sexy!” All the little girl fantasies I held for him were not there in person. We made really awesome friends- but that was as far as my sex meter took them. But he was persistent in his love. And I know now he really did fall in love with me. With my chaos, my baggage, my tarnished soul, my black heart and my sarcasm. It probably happened when he carried my 2 year old from my house to the park in 20 degree weather, it probably happened when he stood holding me when I cried over the fact I couldn’t make my hometown home again on a waitress salary. He gave me that first solid foundation stone to place in my destroyed foundation, started putting glue on the shattered remains of my heart. He held the ladder so to speak, so I wouldn’t fall, so when I looked at him, suddenly, every pulse in my body was beating. And I was terrified and excited. Over the years we have grown together. We feed each others souls and hearts. It’s still terrifying and exciting. Even where we aren’t the same, we are. I don’t know if that is the definition of “soul mate” but he is my twin flame- we feed each others fires to keep them going. But we are also separate forms, not depending to heavily but needing each other just the same. It exists- and I learned a long time ago, that it wouldn’t if I didn’t stop looking and just let go.


      You deserve this fairy tale story. Every last word of it.

      You are magical and special and if anyone could find a true soulmate, it would be you


    And then if you do find someone who can reach all these pieces of your heart, and you lose them… what are the chances you’ll ever find another? Statistics are not my friend, lately.

    I’m rooting for you, chica. For you to find whatever makes you happiest, whether that be a soulmate, or a soultribe. ♡

    Maybe I'll Shower Today July 5, 2017 at 3:32 pm

    I don’t know about soul mates, but I do believe in timing. You can have a wonderful connection with someone, but he/she/you might not be in the right place for something more. Some connections are just amazing one night things, others are meant for a lifetime, some are in between.

    I think when you enjoy someone’s company enough, good sex will follow.


      Timing is everything. Agreed.

      I do enjoy my one friend’s company immensely, but there is no physical attraction there. I don’t see if happening. I guess this could change.
      I’ll keep you posted. xoxoxoxo


    This post kind of reminds me of one of the t-shirts I want to have made up: “Desperate doesn’t mean NOT picky!” Good luck, Samara. You deserve it. One good thing about having a bigger population density in your area–you do have more “almosts” to pick from. Here in small-town Dakota, I can’t even find an interesting woman to talk to. Unless, that is, she is: my friend (always married to someone else), or too much older, or WAY younger, and on and on. The women in my age group are all married or crazy (the wrong crazy) or have moved away to greener pastures, bigger towns, prettier scenery, etc.
    I’ve told you this too many times, but I like your writing.


      And I never grow tired of hearing it! Thank you.

      My two single besties have the same problem as you. They don’t live in a metropolitan area like I do, and they have a much smaller population of available men to choose from. But even with a large population to choose from, I STILL can’t find anyone who I would join my life with. Hence, this article.


    I don’t know about soulmates, but I’ve found someone who is perfect for me and will follow me to Tuktoyuktuk. It’s about love and passion and money and sharing and it’s wonderful. 🙂


    You either need someone to match your crazy, or someone who is stable enough to balance your crazy. Of the four you’ve listed, that would probably make it the Rocker Dude and Top Cop (although, a cop – even a top one – with a lot of money? That’s a little concerning to me.)
    But who says you have to pick now? 🙂


      I hope Top Cop is on the take. That would make him even more attractive to me. I like bad boys…
      Nah, he owns a bunch of real estate.
      Rocker Dude is too intense! No, I’ll take someone stable to balance my crazy. Or an 80 year old gazillionaire.


    I totally get this. My criteria was different, but I lived much the same as a single.
    Do I have it all now? Nope. But it’s perfect. Hard to explain, but perfect. Like the tee-shirt you want to wear all, all, all the time because it’s so comfy. Also like the drug you can’t quit, even when it makes you crazy. Feels like heaven when things are good, like hell when it’s bad.
    Money? What’s that?!? 😛


    I don’t think we can have all our needs met by one person. It’s a cultural overlay, and certainly a way to control/contain women … so your roadmap works! 🙂

    We can choose one though who gets us the most. 🙂


    All I can say is …… YES YES YES!! You said it all and I agree 100%! 😀 ❤


    So glad I’m no longer dating. Exhausting.


    TBH, this is exactly why I’m not even trying. I don’t have the time or desire to try to meet anyone’s expectations. I can’t even keep myself happy. Why would I take on the task of trying to make someone else happy?


      You, twindaddy, sound just like my sister. She doesn’t even give it a try in any sense of the word and chooses to remain celibate and God forbid I use the word SEX in front of her! LOL


        Right now it just doesn’t seem worth it, ya know? I’m not saying never, but I’m making no effort either.


        I get it. Some things must naturally occur. My hubby, by no means checks all the boxes, but he’s my best friend and now lover. It took us awhile to get in sync on that, but it’s all good and quite frankly I’m happy with that. I’ve had rich and I’ve had intellectual before and that didn’t work because nothing else did. I wasn’t looking when I found my hubby. We both agreed there were no fireworks at first but there is now. We celebrate our 25th next month, so that says something. So, hang in there.


        25 years is amazing these days. Congratulations!


      I think people can meet some of our needs. But make us happy? I think we’re the only ones that can make ourselves happy.
      I don’t know if I could even attract 4 people if I seemed like I was looking to them to bring me happiness. I’m pretty content with myself these days. I wish you were, too 💜


        Agreed. Each person is responsible for their own happiness, but it seems like most people are looking for someone else to make them happy. Or complete them, whatever that means. Either way, I have a low, low tolerance for drama, so it’s just easier for me to sit back and take care of me and my kids and not worry about anyone else’s bullshit.


    Oh, if I could have one with each of those attributes and not be wracked with guilt over it, I would. I have to settle for comfortable to be around and satisfying sex. When his mother dies, there will be money, but she’s only slightly older than I am, so she could very well outlive me, so forget the money. This one knows the money will come someday so lacks ambition. (sigh) Maybe after we’re both gone, he’ll get the money and the woman of his dreams too. LOL


    So do you plan on treating this man as good as he treats you?


    its like you read my mind!

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