How To REALLY Pack For a Blog Conference

June 10, 2016 — 36 Comments

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I’m heading to BlogU this weekend, and have read scads of articles on how to pack for a blog conference.

I have my own ideas of what to bring. Here’s how to REALLY pack for a blog conference, à la Samara.

1. DRUGS & BOOZE

If I’m going to mingle with other humans you best believe I need to have a righteous buzz. If you see me face down sizzling in my own drool, it just means I got a package from one of my friends in Portland. Feel free to wake me by hurling Skittles at me and yelling “TASTE THE RAINBOW!!”

If you’re flying, you can always hide drugs in your vagina. If you’re not flying, you can STILL hide drugs in your vagina. Everything is better after it’s marinated in vagina.

Crushed up and snorted Adderall is fabulous when paired with a nice Merlot. Crystal meth is optional but always a crowd pleaser.

The conference is at the University of Maryland, and we’re all housed in the dormitories there. There’s no alcohol allowed in the dorm, and, YOU KNOW, NO ONE EVER BREAKS COLLEGE ALCOHOL RULES. Forget wine, I’m gonna need lots of tequila to answer questions I have no answer for, such as “What is your blog about?”

2. EVERYTHING IN MY CLOSET

One article suggested I make index cards for each day, with my itinerary written and an outfit planned.

hahahahahahaha

By what sorcery would I know  on Thursday what I want to wear on Saturday? I’ll need at least 3 sizes of jeans, depending on my level of bloat.

Maybe I’ll break out that pair of high-waisted denim shorts with suspenders I bought because they were on sale at Forever 21. They make me look like the love child of Boy George and Urkel but they were only $4. 

You can never pack too many clothes. What if I meet a millionaire who wants to whisk me away on his boat for a three-hour tour, ♫ a three-hour tour ♫, and we run into a tropical storm and are shipwrecked on an uncharted island somewhere in the Pacific Ocean and I need ALL THE THINGS?

3. FORTY-ELEVEN PAIRS OF SHOES

I’ll be doing lots of walking, so I need flats. That could mean combat boots or gladiator sandals, depending on how prehistoric my toenail look. I need stiletto heels for obvious reasons. If it rains, I’m going to need my cute rubber rain boots. Workout sneakers, in case I decide to work out. I know, I know, I don’t even work out at home don’t LOOK AT ME!

Flip-flops are essential. I do NOT want to catch foot herpes from a communal bathroom.

4. MENSTRUAL PRODUCTS

The uterus ninjas are here. Light, medium, heavy, ultra heavy “I should just stuff a fluffy rodent up there”? It’s a crap shoot these days. I’m packing the Super Deluxe Variety Pack of tampons.

5. HAIR STUFF

Blow dryer, duh. But also, in case I get ambitious, flat iron, curling iron, maybe a roller set I got on clearance at Walmart and never used? Root volume, hair spray, gel, smoothing spray, detangler, oh I was supposed to get travel sizes of all these things? Who has time for that? I’m writing THIS when I should be packing.

6. HANDCUFFS

In case I have to make a citizen’s arrest.

handcuffs

 

7. MANY EYE MAKEUP PALETTES

I like a daytime natural eye look, but I also do a smoky eye, a cat eye (if I have an extra 30 minutes to do winged eye liner), and a statement eye (the statement being “help me, I look like Steve Buscemi.”)

8. FIREARMS, AMMUNITION AND ACCESSORIES

I’m fairly certain guns are legal int the South. YES, Maryland is the south. It’s below the Mason Dixon line, isn’t it? Listen, I’ve heard you can eat crabs and drink beer in a restaurant there without wearing a shirt or shoes. That sounds like the South to me.

Also, I need specific clothes for concealed carry. Thank goodness for this Concealed Carry Fashion Expo. A girl needs options, ya know?

9. DUCT TAPE

Why wouldn’t you want it for a blog conference? Shoe breaks, luggage tears, purse gets a hole in it? Fix it with duct tape! Flat tire? Duct tape. Skin exfoliation? Duct tape. Alien space ship crashes and needs minor repairs so they can return to the Planet Crouton? Duct tape.

Add clothespins and baby powder to the duct tape and you have a portable S&M kit. The baby powder is to help put on latex – but you knew that.

10. EMERGENCY PONCHO, FIRE EXTINGUISHER, FLASHLIGHTS, DOOR HINGES, JUMPER CABLES, GLUE GUN

Because shit happens.

 

By the time you read this, I’ll be on my way to BlogU!! I can’t wait to spend time with my online friends!

The most talked about event at the conference is the closing night costume party. This year’s theme is “Tacky Wedding.” Costumes are not my thing, but my girl Ashley Fuchs convinced me to dress up as “Hungover Stripper From Last Night’s Bachelor Party” since I could just pull things from my own closet. Score!

Maybe, there’ll even be pictures…

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What do you pack when you go away for the weekend? Are you an overpacker, like me?
Where should I go for good crab in Maryland?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, so I can have friends without leaving the house. 

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36 responses to How To REALLY Pack For a Blog Conference

  1. 

    I wish I were going! I might even let you use your handcuffs on me. Maybe.

  2. 

    I think as long as you only eat crab in Maryland, and don’t catch crabs in Maryland, then you’ll be fine. hahaha

  3. 

    Will miss you this year, but I know you will have so much fun.

  4. 

    Hmmm – Blog conferences are starting to sound like a lot of fun. Reading this certainly is. LOL Have a great time.

  5. 

    So do you have a magic bag of holding, like Mary Poppins? Also, let’s hope no one from the TSA reads your blog 😉 😆

  6. 

    Crystal meth? Interesting choice…
    Just stay away from the vrbs and you should be fine.
    Oh, and have a safety word. Because.

  7. 

    What, no condoms? Don’t be a pessimist.

  8. 

    I’ve been going on long weekend trips to NYC (from Boston) a lot lately so I’ve gotten a lot smarter about packing. I still over pack most of the time, but sometimes I under pack. Why? Because sometimes there’s an article of clothing I want to buy from my favorite store, but don’t really need. If I’ve “miscounted the number of days I’d be gone” or “forgotten to pack a shirt for the last day” or “didn’t read the forecast and only packed shorts and now it might be cold enough at night that I want pants”, then I DO need to buy the thing, to avoid being cold or smelly.

  9. 

    If you’re going to a blogging conference, you should print business cards with your gravatar and “Great post!” printed on them, to give out to bloggers you meet in person.

  10. 

    I used to pack just like that…especially the handcuffs because you never know when! But lately, I’m reducing my baggage, lighter, tighter. Still, I have the handcuffs.

  11. 

    Just drop some Agent Orange on those uterus ninjas. That’ll take care of them.

  12. 

    At the risk of sounding blazé, that sounds like a good way to pack for any journey, not just BlogU. I can’t imagine a situation that you couldn’t handle with what you packed.

    As an aside Samara, I just did a guest post over at Cordelia’s Mom’s. I would be honored if you had the time to drop by. Thank you. https://cordeliasmomstill.com/2016/06/11/youre-insane-guest-post-by-paul-curran/comment-page-1/#comment-17509

  13. 

    Duct tape? Absolutely … and string. 🙂

  14. 

    I’m afraid I’m reading this after the fact, and so my comment is posthumous (not entirely sure that is an appropriate use of the word here, but let’s just pretend it is). I could have made suggestions – hell, I’d have happily met you there. But, I was too busy preparing for my in-laws’ 50th AT MY HOUSE 40 minutes away for the last 3 days and have been virtually useless to anyone who doesn’t share my last name. Hope you had fun!

    • 

      I did!! Did you have your in laws 50th yet? That sure is a huge task to take on!

      • 

        It was Sunday. I’m still nursing the event hangover and not feeling too social. I filled that need for at least the next month. LOL Glad you had fun in my “other” city (New York will always be my one and only). I’d have loved to attend an event like that. Maybe next year!

  15. 

    With the chemical combination you’ve got packed I’m surprised you’re even bothering with the conference. After a few hits you’ll be seeing Jenny Lawson’s face in the TV repeating, “Periscope is the new Tumblr” over and over and over…
    At the very least watch out for the bats.

    • 

      You’re really funny!!
      Anyway, I’m back from the conference and it was awesome!
      Periscope is the new tumblr? I think FB did their FB live thing to shut down periscope.

      I just made that up. I’m clueless

  16. 

    HAHA I wish I’d seen this BEFORE the conference! So funny! Did you use the handcuffs?

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