Spring Fever

May 24, 2016 — 66 Comments

spring fever

You know that thing where you’re walking down the street and men can tell you’ve just had sex? They must have some kind of fornication radar.

If I leave a friend’s apartment in the city, after we’ve had some #sexytimes, and walk a little ways before catching a cab, men will follow me down the street. Not in a scary way. In a “Hey baby, I don’t know you but would you like to come back to my apartment even though your head might end up in my freezer?” kind of way.

Okay, that’s pretty scary.

Guys are very forward in New York. It’s an urban thing, I think. You don’t get ogled as openly in the suburbs as you do when you stroll through Lincoln Center after two hours of hardcore car sex.

Not that I have done that.

Car sex is the suburbs dirty little secret. All those minivan-driving soccer moms and dads don’t tell you the real reason they bought that Honda Odyssey is, back row comes out, middle row folds down flat, voila! it’s a bed.

The parking lot at the gym is like a scene from Caligula.

Spring fever. It’s totally a Thing, and I have it. It makes me want to do crazy things, like jump in my car and drive 13 hours straight to Nashville, to hang out with my college bestie who now lives there. Even after the debacle we had there last year.

This past weekend, one of her fave bands came in from Columbus, Ohio to perform and they crashed at her house. Six guys. They were perfect gentlemen, by the way, those Midwestern boys. They drank two cases of beer and put every CAN IN THE RECYCLING BIN and no, that is NOT a euphemism for sex.

 

So, getting back to spring fever. It’s Monday evening and all I can think about is how much I love tequila. I would love to knock back a couple of shots of Patron this very minute, but that would fuck up the whole homework vibe.

Today, I had my annual gynecological exam. We ladies have to get our vajetable gardens rotated once a year. I used to see the female doctor in the practice until she impersonated female SS guard Irma Grese and tried to electrocute me from inside my smush mitten during a routine “procedure,” so now I see the doctor who delivered my kid.

The thing is, the doctor is really good-looking. He was cute back then, but 12 years has made him much sexier. Which is something that ONLY HAPPENS TO MEN. He’s now ‘handsome in a late 40’s man’ way, instead of ‘cute in a boy’ way, and he has a great personality, and I have spring fever and did I mention how handsome he is?

He was all up in my bajingo and asking personal questions about my sex life, and the next thing I know I was saying flirty things and batting my eyelashes at him.

I have no idea how that happened. Yes, it was sort of surreal. Plus there was a woman in the room, she’s always there and she’s about 100 years old. I think she might be his mother?

No, that would be completely weird. But she’s old and motherly and she’s always there when he gives pelvic exams but she really didn’t interfere with our flirty flow and I’m suddenly very, very glad I’m anonymous.

 

After that, I went to the supermarket and within 12 seconds, some dude was hitting on me at the deli counter. And I never get hit on at the supermarket. The gas station is usually my jam. Yeah, I’m like Miss America in the Field of Dreams at the ol’ gas station, and those attendants are typically delighted with me. Or maybe it’s my red hair, which in their country means that I’m a prostitute.

The point is, Supermarket Guy knew someone had just been all up in my business, even in a routine medical way.

 

Is online dating for the dregs of humanity, or is that just my experience? So far, I’ve had a guy ask me about wearing diapers, and another one inquire as to how much I enjoyed doing laundry. One man in his mid 40’s told me he was a freelance “painter/filmmaker/writer” which is code for “waiting for my parents to die.”

The most recent man online sent me pictures of the trophies he earned as champion of that card game “Magic: The Gathering.” He’s hoping I will accompany him to an upcoming comic convention, and as enticing as that sounds, I’m busy that weekend shaving the lint off my socks.

Those were the good ones. One man messaged me “I WILL PAY YOU $2 FOR YOUR SOCKS I WILL LITERALLY PAY YOU TO PEE ON A SOCK WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SO MUCH I AM SO FUCKING LONELY.”

 

Online dating is terrifying, because when you meet these people they want to have actual conversations with you about the healing properties of bone broth popsicles which is why I prefer to meet where the music is VERY LOUD.

I become even more non-filtered when I’m feeling socially anxious. While in Portland with my college bestie, I was doing my best wingman for her while some dude chatted her up at a coffee bar/drug dispensary.

I’m not sure how the conversation turned to her being a cancer survivor, but he refused to believe it. He started out flattering, telling her she was so full of life and energy and zeitgeist and joie de vivre and KonMari. Then he became super annoying and finally I interjected with, “What are you saying? CAT Scans or it didn’t happen?”
I guess you had to be there.

*This blog post brought to you by one long, continuous unedited stream of consciousness at the behest of my girl GKelly who suggested I write about flirting during a pelvic exam, after I posted it on Facebook.

Do you have spring fever? Have you had some weird online dating experiences?
What about weird gynecological experiences?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter  so I can have friends without leaving the house.

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66 responses to Spring Fever

  1. 

    As I think you know, my wife and I met online. I offered to give her a pelvic exam on Skype. The rest is history… 😉

  2. 

    Do you really like tequila more than vodka? What did you say to him? “Is that a speculum I feel or are you just happy to see me?”

    • 

      I like tequila WAY more than vodka!
      Yes!
      As for our conversation – there was a lot of giggling, hair twirling – and then I said stuff, too.

  3. 

    I bought a minivan because we couldn’t fit 4 kids into the Civic. I would never have sex in the minivan because (a) I could never let my kids sit in the seat where my asscrack just was and (b) I enjoy said asscrack free of goldfish crackers, thankyouverymuch.

  4. 

    Mmmm, tequila… Sorry, was too distracted to come up with a witty comment. Is 9:30 too early for tequila?

  5. 

    No one hits on me any more. Except my husband. Not in a bad way.

  6. 

    Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

  7. 

    We pick up the scent dear Samara. We just know. I can see it, smell it and taste it. There is a different aura. Also I agree about the car sex thing. It is more fun and daring though while actually driving.

  8. 

    The first interaction my wife and I had was on Facebook. A good four months before we met she sent me a Facebook message to tell me how nice my eyes were. I responded with a “Thank you”….and then nothing else because I’m sort of a moron. Luckily I moved to the same Church area she was in and ended up seeing her at Church and churchy activities.

    The girl I dated before, we met on an LDS online dating site. She was wacky as hell, and also the reason I moved to the Dallas area to begin with. She was very attractive, so I looked past her many problems. She claimed to be allergic to beef and unable to have kids. The last time I saw her on Facebook she was sharing a cheeseburger with her baby. We had talked for about a month before she decided to DRIVE to SW Missouri to surprise me during Valentine’s day weekend. A few days before she was feigning anger at me to throw me off her scent. I should’ve known then something was up.

    I haven’t had a weird gynecological visit, but it was always weird to have the doctor or nurse all up in there while she was pregnant. They had to check each weekly visit since her water broke so soon.

    • 

      “She claimed to be allergic to beef and unable to have kids. The last time I saw her on Facebook she was sharing a cheeseburger with her baby”–
      BEST COMMENT EVER!! hahahahaha

  9. 

    I think that most guys can’t necessarily tell if you just had two hours of car sex, but might be attracted by that new car smell that rubbed off on you. 🙂

  10. 

    I have to agree with the comment above. We got the Flex because we needed more seats for three kids and a dog. It’s way too sticky to have sex in. Bit of a princess me. I need sheets and a pillow.

  11. 

    I loved your blog. Best story I have read in a while. Men just have a horney bone that is a detector of sorts. But it is funny you flirted with the doctor. I will agree with you some are very cute.

    • 

      Hi, welcome to my blog!

      I don’t know what got into me. Aside from him (hehehe).
      I’ve never flirted with him before, and I never will again. I don’t think.
      Thanks for stopping by, and commenting!

  12. 

    When I was young, I thought I’d become a gynecologist–for the obvious reasons you mention here. But I decided to move to New York and work construction…same benefits.

  13. 

    Code for “waiting for my parents to die.” LMAO!!! That’s hilarious.
    I used to get hit on every day when I lived in New York, but that was 25 years ago. I’ll never forget the homeless guy who screamed “nice tits baby!” across the street from me in front of a cafe of outdoor diners.

    • 

      Makes you want to come back and visit, doesn’t it?? Because it would happen today, you stone fox!

      Yeah, I’d love to work as a freelance artiste. In my next life…

      • 

        I was back 3 years ago to take my daughter to American Girl on her birthday. It was uneventful, thank God. Well, except for not knowing how to pay the cabbie with a cc. (It’s been a VERY long time since my last visit.)

  14. 

    Last pelvic exam I had was a distinctly unflirty experience because I was hoping all the rummaging wouldn’t incite my period to suddenly begin all over the table (it didn’t).

    Online dating? Still too skeert. Need you to take me out to Scary Nanny or whatever it’s called 😉 Also WHY WAS THE OLD LADY WATCHING?

  15. 

    Hahaha! 🙂 I hate pelvic exams, so no hits on me afterward. And in any case, the hitters would be really old men. They seem to find me attractive …

    I had some fun with online dating but didn’t do it for long. I’ve heard some nasty stories, though.

  16. 

    See, I have issues so I already wax before visiting my lady gyno. Because I want her to like me and…. shut up, I don’t even know what my logic is, I just don’t want her to think bad things about my bajingo.

    But if I switched to a guy? Ugh, I’d probably have to start working out or something.

  17. 

    I’m all glowy, you gave me a shout out! ❤ ❤ ❤

    First, I could never have a hot gyno. I would be a stammering, nervous idiot. Well, more so than my norm.

    Second, WHY do guys get hotter with age? Joe gets a little more gray in his stubble every year and I have to calm myself down when he walks in the door. Me? My face is melting from aging and I don't think that's considered exactly hot.

    Third, thank sweet baby jesus I don't have to do online dating. There's some freaky, scary people out there. Although, I have never been one to attract the freaks. I think I might be the only female in blogging who wasn't solicited for foot pics by the creepy FB Foot Fetish guy.

    Fourth, I love you and I will happily be your wingman any time and will randomly spout weird comments when talking to your suitors that will make you sound brilliant and witty by comparison.

    • 

      1. He honestly wasn’t that hot. He was boyishly cute.
      2. I DON’T KNOW but I am SO attracted to men in the 45-55 age range. Way more than younger guys. Meanwhile, I look like a wrinkled foot that’s been in the bathtub too long.
      3. The freaks are too busy sliding MY way.
      4. I love you back. Are you by any chance between New Jersey and Nashville, if I drive there? I suck at geography.

  18. 

    THAT’S what it is! I had the urge the other day to abandon all responsibility and road trip myself to a state that I would have to look at a map to know it’s actual location.

    I’m not very geographically inclined. And I have flirted with my pap doc, he’s married, but I couldn’t help it. And it wasn’t like I really wanted him, I couldn’t date a man that knows my medical record and has swabbed my cervix.

  19. 

    Suburban car sex and internet sock peeing. Who said blogging isn’t educational?

  20. 

    You know, it’s been a few years since I’ve been to the OB/GYN. I should probably make an appointment…

  21. 

    I am right into your wheelhouse when it comes to age. Good thing I acted like a gentleman when I got you drunk. You’re too hot to stay single.

    Oh, and I never get those “feelings” when having my prostate examined. Some dude’s finger up my butt is not a turn on!

    • 

      Yep, you’re the right age, and the right- a lot of things. Hahahaha!

      I’m planning on being single forever. I am not relationship material. Unfortunately.

      No fingers up the butt? Duly noted!

  22. 

    All I know is I am now going to be using “putting a can in the recycling bin” as a euphemism at every possible opportunity, although that might have some disturbing implications if someone aims for the recycling bin and misses.

  23. 

    I had a very dear friend who was my gynecologist and even she brought in a nurse while doing my exam. It is a normal practice for men, but because she is a lesbian, a necessary one for her as well. Why she did it with me, I never could quite figure out. I think it was more habit than anything else. I wondered if perhaps it was because she liked me more than usual. I didn’t ask because I think I knew the answer.

    I know you are considerably younger, but in case you didn’t know this, women are like dogs in heat to men. When we really want it bad, I am so certain we must give off an odor that they unconsciously gravitate to.
    I went out with a coworker to a bar once and the men swarmed, but not for me. Her. She was not pretty but instead, a mousy, heavyset lady but whatever it was she was putting out, they were finding it.
    That is no longer an issue, but I do remember those days.

  24. 

    BTW Thank you! I haven’t had such a good laugh in sooooo long! I enjoyed this tremendously, especially with the comments it inspired..

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