Dear Women: Please Stop Faking It!

March 22, 2016 — 83 Comments

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“What are you doing?” he asked.

“What do you mean? Isn’t it obvious what I’m doing?”

I was trying to manuever us into the Cat position, and he was mystified.

Apparently, all the *other* women he’d been with had stupendous, earth-shaking orgasms just from the insertion of his Mighty Mighty Penis. And while this is certainly possible for me, why wouldn’t I want to have a different kind of orgasm, or three or seven?

 

Women don’t have sex to have orgasms. Unlike men, we don’t need that climax to feel complete. We have sex for all the other amazing feelings it elicits, but achieving orgasm is not always the be-all and end-all.

 

EXCEPT ME.

HELL YES, I WANT TO HAVE AN ORGASM AND IF I DON’T,  I GET PISSED OFF!

All these other spine tingling feelings are, well, spine tingling, but if I don’t climax, my vagina turns into a wildebeest and howls at the moon.

 

The reason why so many men are inept when it comes to making a woman climax is that too many women just fake it.

I have no idea why. That’s like going into a restaurant, ordering a fabulous meal, and then walking out, rubbing your stomach and saying,  “Wow, that sure was delicious,” and you didn’t eat anything.

Many women don’t want to explain to their partners what they need to have an orgasm. Maybe they feel like they need to present their orgasm to a man as proof of his prowess, to finesse his dainty ego. That’s ridiculous. Women are all so different, a good lover understands there will be a learning curve involved.

If a man can’t handle being told what gets you off, he’s not the right person to be having sex with. Period, end of story. Buh bye.

Some women start to feel bad if it’s taking too long. Don’t. Are you double parked? There is no “too long.” This isn’t a task that needs to be rushed through, like turning all the hangers in your closet in the same direction.

(Okay, if you have little kids, all bets are off. Then it’s every man/woman for himself until someone walks in. In this situation, I found that wedging a Hitachi Magic Wand in between the Ex and me sped up the whole orgasm process. It was magic, aside from my kid wondering why we were using a chainsaw in the house.)

 

We are all so different, not just in terms of sexual preference, but anatomically. Some women really have difficulty reaching climaxes through intercourse alone, which may be because their G-spots are small or more difficult to locate. Some women just prefer clitoral orgasms, whether they know where their G-spot is or not.

Tomato, To-mah-to. Whatever kind of orgasm it is, it’s irrelevant as long as it makes your whole body shake and your toes curl.

Also, the female hormones released in middle age (40 plus) increase a woman’s sex drive. No, this is not an urban myth. Yes, we get more sexual and orgasmic as we get older. It’s a beautiful thing. Vaginal orgasms only became an item on my sexual menu after I hit 40.

 

Men. Please know how to kiss. If you attempt to unhinge your jaw while flopping your tongue down my esophagus like a fish out of water, it’s not a good sign that you are responsive to my needs. I love the sounds of sex, but not the wet “flpflpflpflpflpflp” sound of your tongue slapping against the roof of my mouth.

If you like music to set a mood, then find something that’s going to play awhile without interruption. Never leave an iPod on shuffle. Woman don’t get quite as excited about the Pokemon theme song as you might imagine.

And we would prefer you not have a heart attack because you’re trying to keep up to “Trapped Under Ice” by Metallica. It’s hella awkward if you die on top of us.

Women’s lady parts are nature’s Rubik Cube. You’re going to have to invest a little time into figuring out what works for each woman. This is where the whole “faking it” thing is the Destroyer of Climaxes.

Men, be willing to try anything. There’s a whole world of sexual positions. Change it up. Be adventurous. Try the Flaming Amazon (set her pubes on fire), the Blanche Devereaux, (sex while watching a Golden Girls Marathon), the Texas Rodeo (mount her from behind like a wrestling hold, whisper in her ear, “this is how your sister likes it,” then try to stay on for 8 seconds.)

If you’re telling a man what you like, and he says, “It’s not sexy when women talk in bed,” find a way to get out of their, fast. Fake your own death if you have to. This is the same man who will squeeze your tits like a pair of bike horns. He doesn’t want you to explain anything. He thinks he can “read your signals” because you yelped and jerked out of his vicelike grip while he gave your breasts one-handed Indian burns.

 

Women of Earth, please stop faking it. If you fake your orgasms, he’s never going to learn anything. You are ruining him for all the women who come (or don’t) after you.

And men –  if your woman tells you, “The only way I can climax is for you to drive me to New York, escort me to the top of the Empire State Building and hum the Star Wars theme while you play with my butt,” your immediate response should be, “Let me get my keys.”

Wasn’t that a movie? “Sleepless In an Imperial Starship,” starring Tom Hanks?

 

Have you ever faked it, or been with someone who did? WHY??? 
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

 

Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter  so I can have friends without leaving the house. 

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83 responses to Dear Women: Please Stop Faking It!

  1. 
    James L. Zimmer March 22, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    Now where are you …? I like to meet you…. can we meet? You can write me here >* eel98547@gmail.com *

    On Tue, Mar 22, 2016 at 9:33 AM, A Buick in the Land of Lexus wrote:

    > Samara posted: ” “What are you doing?” he asked. “What do you mean? > Isn’t it obvious what I’m doing?” I was trying to manuever us into the Cat > position, and he was mystified. Apparently, all the *other* women he’d been > with had stupendous, earth-sha” >

  2. 

    This actually made me laugh out loud! I wrote a similar post about women faking it and ruining it for the rest of us. I will be 41 this summer, orgasms are DEFINITELY better now. 😉

  3. 

    The empire state building is a bit of a drive… can I fly first and then rent a car?

  4. 

    I’m already in the car with the engine on and I’m honking on the horn, let’s go.

  5. 

    Today has been a horrible day for me…and bam there you are…with the Texas Rodeo comment and I have been laughing to myself for over 15 minutes straight. I so needed this today…Thanks…

  6. 

    I used to always fake it when I was younger. I didn’t know how to communicate what I wanted and in turn, I was left very unsatisfied even though the guys I were with very much believed in getting me off before them. (Which wasn’t going to happen so I just wanted it to END.) Now, I can guide you from start to finish, I never fake it, and if you’re doing something wrong, I sure as hell tell you. And lemme tell ya, life got so much better all around lol!

  7. 

    Hahahah…this is a public service announcement!

    (with guitars).

  8. 

    I have faked it! Sorry, but not sorry. The guys I faked it with had no shot of their batmobile bringing quakes to the bat cave. If I am no longer into it and wondering if I fed my dog, I will do what must be done to make the guy get off so he will GET THE HELL OFF and I can go take care of business on my own. Did those guys get another shot? Nope. Do I think I ruined them for future women? Nope. They were all men who watched too many porns and thought they were God’s gift. And yes, I told everyone of them after that it was faked. The main problem is women faking it all the time. Faking an orgasm is an escape tool when you realize that you’ve mistaken wine for chemistry. It should be used with discretion.

    • 

      Mistaken wine for chemistry? Okay, please explain.

      And yes, I suppose faking it is one way of getting some to stop if you’re not into it. I usually just pushed them off and said, “OKAY WE’RE DONE HERE” but your way was probably a little nicer.

      • 

        Yes… wine for chemistry. As in I was drunk when I decided they were worthy of having sex with. And I am not sure my way was “nicer.” I believe it was actually just lazier because it required less effort. (Thank you kegels!)

      • 

        I was thinking, I could also just end bad sex by punching him in his face, but that might be too violent.

        Hahahahahaha

  9. 

    Christ in a canoe, THANK YOU. This bothers the hell out of me.

    I mean, if you ask your partner to, let’s say, do the dishes, and you come back when they’re done and the “clean” dishes are still covered in food bits and soap scum, do you thank them anyway and then sneak the dishes into the bathroom later to finish the job on your own so you won’t make your partner feel bad about the dishes not being spotless? I’m betting the answer’s no.

    So why is that kind of mentality acceptable/expected when it comes to sex?

    • 

      I don’t know. It shouldn’t be.
      I don’t quite understand the whole development of the “faking it” syndrome, how it started, and why it became prevalent, but it must be stopped.
      This will be my contribution to the free world.

  10. 
    ghfghfgh hfghfgh March 22, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    What’s up? i am real? Put* “night sex”* in the next message so I know you are. Give me at this address: *eil496175@gmail.com *

    On Tue, Mar 22, 2016 at 9:33 AM, A Buick in the Land of Lexus wrote:

    > Samara posted: ” “What are you doing?” he asked. “What do you mean? > Isn’t it obvious what I’m doing?” I was trying to manuever us into the Cat > position, and he was mystified. Apparently, all the *other* women he’d been > with had stupendous, earth-sha” >

  11. 

    “Pokemon theme song” Heh. I couldn’t agree more. Of course, fragile egos are a turn-off anyway.

  12. 

    I don’t fake it any more. Like Garner said, I used to when I was younger and didn’t really understand much. I was once with a man (my ex-narcissist) who tried to fake it. A little difficult for a man to do that but he tried – his sexuality was very unhealthy because the only thing that worked for him was one kind of porn, as I discovered later. Good post. 🙂

  13. 

    I hope you’re not faking a blogasm when I turn on your orange light!

  14. 

    I used to fake it. I have never had to with my husband — although sometimes I don’t get there, it’s generally because I’ve got something on my mind and not because he’s doing anything wrong/not doing something right.

  15. 

    Preach it sister! For the good of all humanity, stop faking it! *exception. when it’s just bad and you need it to be over asap* I admit faking it a few times in my younger years. But I’ve also been very blessed to date guys who knew what was what. And wasn’t really afraid to tell them what was what if they seemed lost.

    Sex without orgasm is like Cornflakes without the milk. And yes, I will be a grumpy bitch if that happens. Women need to take control and make it happen. Either show your man or tell him. I blame our puritanical, uptight society that still thinks that only men like sex.

    • 

      I never have been able to identify the origin of the whole faking thing, but yes, it probably IS old leftover notions that sex is just for men to enjoy.

      As for having it be over asap, I honestly just stop and get dressed. And leave.

  16. 

    I’m faking this comment.

  17. 

    *** if your woman tells you, “The only way I can climax is for you to drive me to New York, escort me to the top of the Empire State Building and hum the Star Wars theme while you play with my butt,” your immediate response should be, “Let me get my keys.”***

    S U P U R B!!!! x

  18. 

    Wonder how many times men have faked it? I mean, wouldn’t the girl know when there’s no money shot?

    As for me, I always make sure the ladies I have been with were properly serviced first! Nothing like a good gasm!

    • 

      I don’t think men can really fake orgasms.
      They fake other things, like love. 🙂
      JK!
      And of course, ladies first. You’re a gentleman.

  19. 

    The first time my wife and I were intimate (and I know she’d be ok with me telling this) it was full of passion and yearning and emotional connection and grabbing and stroking and kissing everything, until at some point I realized I had started kissing my own hand… THAT’S how good I am.

  20. 

    Really glad I live in an upscale trailer court, not in one where the “tin cans” are packed in like sardines, or in an apartment, because my neighbors would surely have heard me LOL-ing and CLADC (Cackling Like a Drunken Chicken), as I broke away from the horrific images of tonight’s evening news to read this delightful post, and they would have justifiably wanted to report me to someone. So many hilarious images in this one, from “grinding the corn,” (in the Wiki-entry you linked to), to “are you double parked?,” to “chainsaw in the house,” to the whole paragraph about kissing, and OMG “Texas Rodeo.” Thanks, I needed some laughs today.
    Once had a girlfriend ask me “Is this gonna take all night?” “No, I think we’re done,” was the answer I gave her. So faking it wasn’t her goal, I guess.
    No orgasms unless the dishes are spotless, by the way. 🙂 I kid, I would just be happy to have someone in the same room with me sometime during sex, sometime before I die. (Female, human, 40-60 or so, that is).

    • 

      Why does everyone KEEP TALKING ABOUT DISHES?
      “Is this gonna take all night?”- wait, is that a bad thing?

      • 

        As they would say on Perry Mason or Law and Order, “One of your other commenters mentioned opened up the subject of dishes.” “Objection overruled.” Haha. I have to thank you, though, for saying that women over 40 have a strong sex drive, because being, ahem, 60 (still can’t believe that), the 40-60-year-old ladies are what I like to see.Thanks again for this post. Very funny.

  21. 

    LOL. Yes. In the in between I had a man who had never had a woman tell him what to do in bed. I fixed him and then sent him on his way (he was way too short…even if he was eventually pretty good in bed).

  22. 

    Seriously hilarious! And oh canwe relate!

  23. 

    If a woman told me that the only way to get her off would be to drive her to NYC, bring to the top of Empire state building, and hum Star Wars theme while playing with her butt, I’d probably get the keys to get out of this relationship – in my experience, long distance relationships never work out. The fact that both have to commute every time to have good sex is probably a more of a downside than upside.
    Personally, I don’t think I had to fake during sex, but I definitely remember having to lie to a waiter/waitress that my meal was as good for me as it was for him/her.

    • 

      I SAID DRIVE!!

      Haha I’m just playing off what another reader said to Matticus in the comment section.

      Meals you can send back. If they’re not serving what you want at that particular restaurant, dine elsewhere. Or cook for yourself. 🙂

  24. 

    All men should read this. Women know what they want. I have learned you are better off doing what she wants than not.

  25. 

    “This is how your sister likes it….” hahahaa. Funny. Kissing is so important. I remember when a guy induced my gag reflex. It wasn’t pretty but I couldn’t help it. Nasty. If anything, I was too honest and told my ex that I felt “numb” down there. I didn’t want to fake it and him to think that it was satisfying. It was true and only after I tried to show him what worked.

    That orgasm scene has always bugged me. She looked like she was faking it.

  26. 

    Many women do it becuase they are afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of being called broken because they can’t orgasm, being afraid to ruin the “harmony” and so on. Then again there are some men not being able to bear the fact that some women won’t come every single time and some women fake it every now and then for their loving other. If things are not working in bed, they are – always are – a sign of deeper problems. For some people it is easier to fake then to start solving problems. For me not. That’s why I divorced.

    • 

      That sucks that a woman might actually think she’s “broken” because she can’t orgasm. I read up before I wrote this. Anatomy plays such a huge part here- for example, if the clitoris is far from the vaginal opening, that makes clitoral stimulation during intercourse very difficult. And some women need an hour of stimulation.

      Add fear and/or anxiety to that, and it’s nearly impossible. Unless you have someone who’s willing to work on it with it you. That should, in theory, be a spouse!

      Sex was not our issue. We divorced over money and dishonesty, another big marriage killer.

  27. 

    Some women, I would say even many, don’t know what the like and how to orgasm. Sometimes this is the main reason why they are not telling how to their partner. They don’t know either.

  28. 

    Hmmm. So if they don’t know, and the man doesn’t know, then what happens? No orgasm?
    I would think this might be true for young couples. One of the reasons I prefer older men (40’s) is that they are knowledgable lovers.
    I’d hate to think this was true of even older guys. That sounds hopeless.

    • 

      I also prefer oldeer, at least 5+ years. Always did.
      There are at least 3-4 couples, married for some years where she never came. I guess, people will never talk about that, expect to tell this to a close friend.And there are women who are over 50 and never hat orgasm either.

  29. 

    I think worrying about it taking too long and being a little too drunk are problems I’ve come up against in the past. I need to be soberer and less anxious my partner will be bored.

    Amongst the several million other things I need to learn to un-worry about.

    Good post, though, and a good PSA for men and women everywhere.

    (I’ve never faked though, but there were times with Exby when we just both gave up.)

    • 

      Your partner will NOT be bored! Trust me. They will be A. Lucky to be with you and B. Thrilled to make you feel good.
      Hmm. I don’t think men worry that women get bored while they’re doing their thing. Have females been socialized to worry about these things, do you think?

      • 

        You’re sweet, Precious, and thank you. Exby just didn’t want to be with me, and quite often voiced his boredom and frustration, which didn’t help, but our sex life was just fucked up right from the offset with all his conditions so…whatever. I’m better off now, but still (clearly) have some hang-overs to deal with.

        And…do men have time to worry if women get bored while they’re doing their thing. Exby managed to, but again, extenuating circs and all that. So far SINCE then, I’ve at least not managed to bore anyone else, even if I’ve worried that I’ve BEEN boring.

  30. 

    Amen! Dont fake it or you will be faking it forever!

  31. 

    “Mentioned” or “opened up,” one or the other. Grrr. I usually check my comments for grammar and junk.

  32. 

    I am guilty. Either because a) it wasn’t going to happen and I started wondering whether I fed the dog (LOL – from a comment above) b) he was a terrible lover c) because I just wanted it to end. Now. All of these could be combined for more emphasis on the state of my clitoris. Glad you posted this – it’s a great PSA that needs to be shared. And – since no one else asked – did you respond to the first commenter who “like to meet you” ? :p

    • 

      No, I did not! I got several comments like that and I deleted the others. This is a blog, not match dot fucking com!
      Hahaha
      Thanks for reading!!

  33. 

    Hilarious! You’ve become one of my favorite blogs. I agree about faking orgasm. Its taken many years (too many to say) to finally own what turns me on rather than let the guy flail around trying to find out. Well done.

  34. 

    Lolz… this is a real good one.. well I guess most women fake it to protect his fragile ego and the even more fragile marriage. I have even come across a point of view that it really isn’t a man’s job to please a woman in bed. It up to a woman to get in the mood and stop depending on her male partner for orgasmic pleasure. I don’t quite know what to make of it.

  35. 

    Oh you have a talent for humorous writing!

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