I Gave My Uber Driver a Hand Job

February 4, 2016 — 112 Comments

Uber

 

My BFF Troublemaker and I spend way too much time talking about sex.

We have pretty much the same issues regarding the procurement of it. We’re both single moms, who do NOT want to be in any kind of committed relationship.

Which is not to say that we want cheap meaningless sex with randos, although that is surprisingly difficult to find in the suburbs.

We’re also not into online hookups, since neither of us wants to end up with a serial killer who has oral sex with our severed heads.

But we know lots of single chicks who have all the zany exploits we used to once have.

When she told me the story of her girlfriend who gave the Uber driver a handjob, I laughed like a hyena. I thought it made a great title for a story, even though it wasn’t mine. As a matter of fact, this was supposed to be published HOURS ago, but every time I try to proofread it, I look at the post image and start laughing till I cry.

It’s click-baity. I’m well aware of that.

 

A recent story went viral, a story whose title implied that a woman divorced her husband because he left dishes in the sink. Because I’ve read this blog before, there was nothing very interesting about it. It’s pretty much the same story this blogger has been writing for years.

It’s all about how men are the real reason marriages fail; stupid, stupid men who just don’t understand that women want, no NEED, you to put your dirty clothes in the hamper in order to keep our marriages alive.

The title was total click bait. He admits that isn’t why his wife left him.

Kind of like me titling this story “I Gave My Uber Driver a Hand Job” when that never happened.

 

The blogger purports himself to be some kind of self appointed expert on how to help people not get divorced.

Yes, I know he is preaching from his exalted place of “now enlightened” male. What’s REALLY interesting about this story, is the way he behaves in his comment section. EVERY differing opinion sends him in a tail spin of page long responses defending his position, insisting that he is RIGHT. That leads me to speculate about the person he is in a relationship.

And then, in a ploy to come off self-aware and oh-so-endearing, he even admits to being incredibly self defensive. It’s the relationship version of an Escher painting. You go round and round until you finally just hang a tire around your neck, fill it with gasoline, and light yourself on fire.

Men. WE DON’T CARE HOW AWARE YOU ARE OF ALL THE STUPID SHIT YOU DO.

WE NEED YOU TO STOP DOING IT.

You know. BE THE CHANGE.

Otherwise, you’re just going to spend the next decade driving some poor women insane, by acting like an asshole and THEN owning up to it.

 

I also completely disagree with the premise of the article. I’m not going to comment on his blog because I don’t want THE WRATH OF BLOG unleashed at me. If I want to engage in pointless debates, I’ll call my Ex husband.

I personally am guilty of doing things that drove my Ex nuts; would, in fact, drive many partners nuts. For example, I often forgot to check in with him if I wasn’t coming home after work.

It drove him crazy. It often worried him. And I TRIED to remember to text him and let him know. The fact that it was super important to him should have motivated me to remember.

But I live in my head. I get so absent-minded, that try as I might, I STILL sometimes forgot. It was NOT a symptom of my lack of devotion to the marriage. It was more about the fact that I’m a space cadet, combined with how independent I was used to being, prior to the marriage.

Life is much too precious and complicated for people to view dishes as a symptom of deeper issues. The sink’s dishes are the sink’s problem.

WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY FOR A MOMENT OF FULL DISCLOSURE

I’m the first one to admit, always have, that who I am in my blog is not 100% who I am in real life.

Let me state for the record: The Samara on this blog is a version of me. It’s not fully who I am. I have met many, many online people in real life, who can attest to the fact that I am only part bad ass. In fact, I intend to write a story soon that reveals some of my worst flaws.

HOWEVER. I do not devote my blog to “How to Dress like a Grown Up.”  “How To Raise Your Tween Without Calling Him a Douchebag.”

I know not of these things.

 

The most interesting thing about his article was a comment someone left. She wrote that not only was it a click-baity title but also, the author knows his audience and it was an article designed to make women swoon.

YES SO MUCH THIS. The blogging world is filled with the walking wounded, most of them women. And when you finally find a man who writes all about how stupid men are, how culpable they are in divorce, it’s swoon-worthy material.

Girls – read the comment section! That’s who you’re going to be fighting with at Olive Garden.

 

 

I love click-baity titles. I try to use titles that will draw people in.  No, I DID not give an Uber driver a hand job. The only time I ever used Uber, I was in Portland with my 12-year-old. That would have been fucking awkward, as well as scarring him for life.

 

 

However, Troublemaker’s friend DID give HER Uber driver a handjob. It was quite the story.

Sorry, pervs. It’s not that kind of blog.

What do you think of click bait titles?

Is leaving dishes in the sink sometimes just LEAVING DISHES IN THE SINK?

Did you ever give an Uber driver a hand job?
Talk to me, I’m listening.
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112 responses to I Gave My Uber Driver a Hand Job

  1. 

    I have definitely used click bait titles…they work. haha. THIS one is a classic, my friend.

  2. 

    Definitely have used click bait titles and I am not ashamed. Makes life more interesting. Plus, I’m not so gullible as to believe that you actually DID that. Not that you couldn’t have, my gut just told me this was really just a lead-in to something more epic (lets face it, there’s nothing too epic about a handjob). Like the dude and his blog… and while I’m tempted to ask which one it is so I can explore, I am pressed for time these days and don’t need to be pissed off. Another dude blog I am hanging onto with one fingernail, cause he’s just a little too whiny and, and… something else that just skeeves me that I can’t quite identify.

    • 

      Hmmm. I bet it’s the same whiny dude!
      All you have to do is Google it and you’ll find it. It got trazillions of views.

      I agree about handies. Didn’t even know adults DID that. Aren’t there way more fun things than something you can do yourself?

  3. 

    I hate male bloggers like that. They’re basically looking for technological blow jobs for being such amazing husbands, fathers, etc. Fucking gag! I got taken in by one of those swarthy fucks. Ugh. Lesson: Beware the guy who is constantly stroking himself for all to see, because he needs someone feeding his ego all the damn time.

  4. 

    I read the article too. In my household, I am the messy one while The Bloke spends most of his time picking up after me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a clean person, but I have a habit of completely destroying a tidy space in 10 seconds flat. I don’t do it deliberately, but it annoys the crap out of him. Then again, he likes to have household things done a certain way, and I think it’s pointless. Life is short, and I have better things to do with my time than organising things. Like reading your posts for example… Far more entertaining.

    Because of the article I’m in the middle of crafting a similar themed post to what I have just waffled on about.

    Click bait themed posts on certain sites really bug me, to the point when I ignore them altogether. Things like, ‘He couldn’t believe the transformation in his former obese wife’ and ‘look what happens when he eats these 45 donuts’ are usually 12 pages long and usually end up being an ad for a diet pill.

    Great post!

  5. 

    Leave dishes in the sink?
    I wash them and put them away. It’s my fifteen minutes of solace in the toddlerocracy.

  6. 

    Yup. Classic Click Bait title. And nicely done. (I clicked, didn’t I?)

  7. 

    A bit relieved, and at the same time a bit disappointed that it’s click-bait. Still the story about the fact that there was a story, is a good story in itself. Storyception… Meta-Story… There’s another story there somewhere.

  8. 

    I love the title and I also have to admit that I do tend to read boring blogs with click bait titles (not this one of course) mostly because I love the comments section. Sometimes it can be more entertaining than the article and I love when people go off the rails and you sit there shaking your head saying to yourself, it’s just a blog post, damn, it’s not that deep. I will have to check out the one you refer to here. : )

    • 

      I love lively comments! I have super cool readers and we often have fun in the comments. But no arguing.

      Why would anyone argue with me? I’m just an asshole on the Internet. 😊

      Thanks for stopping by! Hope to see you again.

  9. 

    I came here to read about a Uber driver getting a hand job and yet felt immediate relief that this was not an article about an Uber driver getting a hand job because even though I could imagine scenarios in which that would end well they all seem incredibly unlikely.
    “The sink’s dishes are the sink’s problem” however is the kind of wisdom I wish I could have tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.

  10. 

    I usually avoid click-bait. It’s good for a laugh sometimes but mostly it’s just too stupid for words. That guy is getting his strokes, no doubt, but I really wonder about those, as you say, walking wounded women who resort to stuff like that for a little attention or even hope. It’s a way to get through, I guess, and all of us have probably done things like that.

    I am a cleany weeny. My husband is a self-confessed slob. I’ve learned to back off a little and he’s learned to step up a little. That way, the laundry doesn’t start crawling down the hallway. 🙂

    • 

      It’s all about compromise, isn’t it?

      I once posted on facebook about being suckered into a shitty online relationship with (you guessed it) a narcissist, and my page blew up. YES. Women get drawn in very easily when someone presents themselves a certain way, or can turn a pretty phrase. I was like that when I first came on the internet. No more.

  11. 

    Plates were once made of bread. Food being piled onto thick bread Trencher’s, the well fed rich ate all but the hard crust. The left overs would be distributed by the ‘upper crust’ to the impoverished. No dishes.

    And the point to this? I’d not come across the phrase ‘click baity’ before, so a fair exchange is no robbery. (The concept’s of misrepresentation, unrealistic expectations, triviality and consequential unhappiness are all very familiar)

    But men eh. We’re all very naughty boy’s

    • 

      Thank you for the etymology of “upper crust.”
      I meant to respond to several of your other comments, but haven’t gotten round to comments from before! Ugh.

      really nice to see you here. How’s the cycling going? It’s quite mild here today, in the 50’s. If I cycled, today I absolutely would.

      • 

        Boo 🙂

        Cycling; Simply sinusoidal synchronicity, singular, social or cylopathic. Embrace the weirdly wheeling ones. Resistance is futile.

        Only managed a meager 7,039 miles last year. Been a tad preoccupied with a clot in my leg after a bit of an unfortunate event. So, had to focus on not dying. Needs must.

      • 

        That sounds awful. Yikes.

      • 

        Ha which bit?

        Catching up on a few bloggers I’ve enjoyed (such as yours), and a few new ones. Might even write something myself (unlikely)

  12. 

    Nothing wrong with click bait, easy on the men though kind of bruised me ego LOL.

  13. 

    If it drove your ex crazy when you didn’t let him know you were going out after work, would he text you to ask if you were still alive? Or did he just sit home and stew? I can’t deal with those who would just sit and stew, sitting in a victim mode of “why didn’t she text me?”. As for click bait titles, if it’s a writer I like and read, I don’t care. If it’s someone I’ve never read and I like their writing, despite the deception, ie, they’ve tied in the title in some way to the piece as you did, I’ll read more. But if the post rubs me the wrong way in addition to the click bait title, it’s likely sayonara for me.

    • 

      My Ex DID indeed text me to find out where I was wandering. But I’m an idiot who keeps her phone in her bag and the sound off, so I usually didn’t even know. Am I supposed to keep the sound on, for text notifications? If it’s on vibrate, and it’s in my bag, I wouldn’t know that, either.

      I suck at relationships. Bottom line.

      Yes, if i like a writer, I don’t care what device they choose to use for the title. And I love that you said “sayonara.” Haven’t heard that in a while. xoxox

  14. 

    Have I told you lately that I love you?
    I’ve used some titles (like “the fastest fuck ever”, recently) because they are clever (I hope!!) or ironic. BUT I also don’t write the same content over and over with new titles to try to get something to go viral.

  15. 

    I don’t know how to use click-bait titles. I do know I find it annoying if the title has nothing to do with the meat of the post or article. So yes, I was a little peeved I wasn’t going to read about some handsy Uber story, and instead got something about a guy who sounds like a lame-ass, but I’m over it. It will make me a little more leery in clicking your more sensationalized sounding blog posts. Oh that Samara, she’s a leg puller. 😉

  16. 

    I wouldn’t go on his blog and comment that he was a boring writer, because trolling is so fucking stupid (I prefer to “vote with my feet”–as in, not read that blogger any more), but his “dishes in the sink” post was BORINGLY written. The most important thing about any blog is that it’s good writing, that it has a spark of some kind. His had none. You, and a few dozen others that I read, mostly always have a spark.
    Click-bait on a blog is fine; click-baity titles from supposedly professional newspapers and such on my Google news feed or wherever? That’s cheap bullshit.
    I do all the dishes at my house cuz I’m a loser who can’t find a disagreeable woman to live with, so the drink glasses can be anywhere they want to be.
    I’d probably dislocate my shoulder trying to reach all the way into a woman uber driver’s pants to fondle her. Maybe if I sat next to her in the front seat it would be easier.

  17. 

    Interesting. I read that post. Because it was everywhere. Not for the title, I don’t think. And I usually stay away from click-baity titles unless I know there’s going to be commentary on the “look at me” attitude of them, which I suspected with you, lady, and you did not disappoint. Good one!

  18. 

    If I want to engage in pointless debates, I’ll call my Ex husband. —- This is my favorite line! I laughed out loud, literally. 🙂

    I have to admit, his title was not catchy for me at all. I clicked on yours, because I had a feeling it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be and I kind of wanted to find out why.

    • 

      WHY HAS EVERYONE FIGURED OUT THAT IT WASN’T GOING TO BE ABOUT A HAND JOB????

      Damn. I’m really turning tame in my old age, if everyone knew it was just a catchy title…

      Yeah, Ex husbands. Blech. Mine was in my house 11 seconds just now before he irritated the jenk out of me.

  19. 

    Total click bait!!!!!!!!!!! Is it wrong that I went into the post just assuming that you had given your Uber driver a handjob? I assumed it was a dare or a bet lost or something. I feel so betrayed. Lol. Also, I’m the same person I was when wife and I met 20 years ago, so if I’m supposed to change, will I know that? I’m a little fatter, so there’s that I guess.

    • 

      I’m not going to bet someone an Uber driver handjob! hahahaha

      People cannot change the essence of who they are. They can make adjustments to get along with others better, that’s about it.
      Don’t ever change, Don. We all love you just the way you are. xoxo

  20. 

    This post had two major things going for it right from the beginning — YOU (duh) and the click bait title. I will always open a post if you write it, double bonus if comes it with a click bait. PLUS, I love what you did with it. I only appreciate a good click with substance behind it, and my love, you always deliver the substance.
    I wrote a post this morning that would have really worked better with the word “badass” in the title, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I’m almost 50 years old and knowing that my mom and my daughter read my blog makes me tone it down. I used “ass” all over the post, just not in the title. Baby steps.

    • 

      You used ass all over a post?? Ooh. That sounds VERY interesting…

      Hey, I’m anonymous. I can appreciate not wanting family to read profanity.
      And different strokes, you know? Just keep doing things exactly how you’ve done them. You’re a beautiful person, inside and out. No need to write “badass” in a blog title. xoxoxoxoox

  21. 

    I sincerely hope you enjoyed the blogasm you had when the orange light appeared…….I was going for click bait comment….well played on the title.

  22. 

    What few people realize is that this Uber driver had to give 20% of that handjob to the company.
    As for dishes, both my wife and I leave the tea mugs and glasses all over (but rarely the plates), and then gather them up when it’s time to do the dishes. Since we both do it, it doesn’t seem to bother either of us (definitely not me)
    Do i use clickbait? Aren’t lists clickbait by default?

    • 

      20% of a handjob? That’s a finger job. (Maths!)

      Lists are not click bait by default. The content of the title describing the list would determine that. A list of ten reasons why vaginal weightlifting should be included in the Olympics – THAT would be click bait.

      Sometimes, dirty dishes are just dirty dishes. And not representative of anything except that someone drank tea.

  23. 

    “The sink’s dishes are the sink’s problem” is my favorite thing that I have read today.

  24. 

    I know the blog you’re talking about I have read that article and some of the comments and got disgusted and walked away but you’re right it is a complete rehash of something he wrote similarly like a year ago what were these good to a point never had an issue with your stuff you’re wonderful but some people put up the most outrageous titles and the blog post has zero to do with it and it drives me crazy

    • 

      I actually wonder if I could put up a title that has ZERO connection to the actual story and see what happens…
      After all, I DID tie it in here!

  25. 

    I know **** and I know exactly what you’re talking about! You must understand that he can’t survive without having his ass kissed. He wanted all this attention and now he can’t handle the fact that people disagree with him….even when they do it politely.

    Your blog is interesting. And fresh. I’ve been a reader for a long time, but I’ve never commented. But I had to throw my two sense in on this, he’s pathetic and if he’s getting butt hurt, he totally deserves it.

    • 

      Hi there! I had to blank out the name, because I don’t want to make this personal! I wasn’t sure if you meant you knew him in real life, or online.

      I think how you behave when people disagree with you tells more of a story than how you behave when they agree.
      Thank you so much for reading, and for commenting, and for telling me I’m fresh and interesting! You made my day!!

      (P.S. It’s easy to get taken in online. My email address is samara1662@gmail.com. I think we’ve had sadly similar experiences)

  26. 

    I started reading ****’s stuff a year ago, he seemed to really be on a journey. He even wrote some different topics, tried to branch out…but then I read a post and I felt like I’d already read it. This happened a few more times. Then I started skimming them, cause who wants to keep reading the same thing? Then he mentioned writing a book, and I was like, hell no, every chapter will say the same thing. Unfollow.

    • 

      Sorry, had to blank out the name!

      I guess he has found his area of expertise. But it might be a very short book.
      Thanks for reading and commenting!!

  27. 

    That blog should be called “First World Problems: A Middle Aged Middle Class White Guy Whining”

    And your writing sells your posts, not the title. I mean you, personally, because you’re engaging. Click bait titles are for people whose content isn’t good enough to sell itself.

    You’d get plenty of traffic if this post was titled An Intelligent Response to the Whiny Dish Guy.

    Thanks for writing this.

  28. 

    How many people sent him pictures? I need to know. The world should be warned about him. He’s disgusting.

  29. 

    I’m pretty sure I know which blogger you speak of. Anyway, this is awesome. I love what you wrote here and I would have read it regardless, but yes, I was interested in the hand job. I cannot tell a lie.

  30. 

    I googled it. What? Over 3000 comments? I was never before reading there, but now checked random post – one from each year – and wonder that for 3 years there is no other subject then divorce?`Yeah, I am divorced too. Yesterdays news. Yesterdays subject.

    • 

      I think you can write about divorce over and over- but writing the same THING about it, how men are shitty husbands, becomes tiresome after awhile.
      It’s his blog though. He can do what he likes. And it’s catnip to hurt women everywhere.

  31. 

    I’ve learned quite a bit from your comments section here. I’ve just decided I’m not tall enough to keep reading that one.

    Thanks for this.

  32. 

    I totally got baited by that shit. So much bland advice. And he mentions his height, weight and eye color a lot. And that he’s failed at online dating. He has a few regular commenters that show up to fan his ego and feed it grapes. But I didn’t see the linky that said “Click here to join my harem.”

    I read your blog, and many others, regardless of the title 🙂

  33. 

    I was also relieved this wasn’t a post about a hand job. Although I laughed that there was a story that exists because of this title.

    Clickbait titles are just kind of draining to consistently see on my Facebook and Twitter all the time. And I think the article might be good or I like the subject matter, but the clickbait title just pisses me off. It annoys me that certain websites/publications (like TIME!!) have started using clickbait titles and it’s just…tiring. So tiring.

    I don’t yet have the privilege of living with my SO, but I would say dishes in the sink is dishes in the sink. Sometimes things people do can feel like a personal affront, but it’s always good to remember that people (myself included) are dumb and often do things they don’t realize are hurtful or annoying or grating unless they are told so (and sometimes still don’t realize they’re doing it all the time). I am also a bit spacey sometimes and live in my head and don’t realize when I’m doing things that are unnerving or annoying to others.

    • 

      I think people read too much into things.
      Not remembering to pick up after yourself is not necessarily a sign that you don’t want a relationship to work.

      I think these things should be evaluated on a case by case basis. Generalizations get us all in trouble.
      thanks for commenting! xoxo

      • 

        I have that problem of reading too much into things, but I have a competing voice that usually tells me I’m not being logical and to stop it. Doesn’t always work, but it’s a nice “this is how I feel but I already know it’s not rational or exists in reality”. 🙂

        I like visiting your blog. You always say what you mean. It’s refreshing. ❤

  34. 

    I don’t like click bait. And I’m never surprised when something pointless gets overshared on FB. And I agree that that blog is a shrine to the author and is totally aimed at emotionally distraught women. He’s a disease.

    I love that you’re calling attention to it. Women need to speak up and keep each other safe! Thanks, Samara!

    • 

      Thank you so much for reading, and being supportive.

      The blog world is a gorgeous place to make real connections, but it has a seamy underbelly. xoxoxo

  35. 

    That was exciting click bait, I’ll say that. However, I felt the story still delivered.

  36. 

    I don’t comment often, but this was a great article. SOOOO click-baity (teach me master). No I have never given a hand job to an Uber driver. As for the dirty dishes, I hope marriages don’t fail because of it. That would be my fault. Not coz I’m the wife, but coz most of the dishes are in fact mine.

    As for the article, great article. It made me giggle, laugh even. It also made me think. Now I avoid commenting because I am always afraid I’ll come off full of myself, or worse smart. This article made me realize exaclty how unaware most people in relationships are. It’s never just one person’s fault, although sometimes one IS more to blame. My parents are divorced, and it was not about some little thing. It was about a lot of big things. Sometimes, most times, it’s actually not anyone’s fault.

    My hubby is the spaced out in our relationship. It doesn’t drive me nuts coz I get it. His an introvert. He thinks so much more than he says, so he forgets things like his phone let alone to “sign-in” with me. I, on the other hand, am a little insane (other people have said). I dance to the beat of my own drum and never ask for permission. I think if he didn’t find me, or I him, I’d proly be alone. There’s someone for everyone, and when you meet that person the dishes go unnoticed.

    *sorry for the long comment, delete if it’s boring.

  37. 

    i like your article, very inspiring, and thank you for your post

  38. 

    I know who you are talking about. Used to read his blog when I was bored but stopped after a post where he pretty much excused sexual assault. I’ve known way too many guys like that in real life and there is often nothing good about them when you get through all the bullshit.

    Love your posts though! Definitely not something I read only when bored.

    • 

      Hey! Welcome to my comment section!

      I’m glad you took the time to read and comment.
      Excused sexual assault? Yuck. I missed that one, thankfully.

      • 

        You didn’t miss that one! You left some awesome comments!

      • 

        Hi there! Welcome to my blog!

        Did I? I honestly don’t remember.
        Ugh, me and my big, commenting mouth!
        Hey, thanks for stopping by. xox

      • 

        Hi again!

        I always read, just never comment. Not very good with social interaction even online.

        I won’t link the post but he was talking about something that happened to his wife (and others) at family functions which to most people and to the law would amount to sexual assault. He basically just laughed it off as a funny men behaving badly incident. Not cool. I was already pretty skeptical of his whole attitude before that but it was then that I realised how much of a douchebag he actually is.

  39. 

    It’s great to see this post. I’m so tired of that guy and his nonsense. I read his post today wherein he states that everyone who has ever disagreed with him is headed straight for divorce. He has no idea what he’s talking about and he gives the most ignorant marriage advice I’ve ever read. The same crap, over and over and over again.

  40. 

    Of course that are broad statement… lol

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