In Defense of the Threesome

January 21, 2016 — 81 Comments

what-makes-women-want-to-have-a-threesome_1

 

The Cute Guy’s ex girlfriend is making my life miserable. Why can’t we all just have sex and be one big happy polyamorous family?

I’m willing to overlook the fact that she looks like a middle-aged Snooki. She’ll be fine once I get her out of that desperate MILF outfit and hose her down.

 

Over the summer, CG wanted to spend time with me more regularly than I was comfortable with. At the same time, his ex girlfriend found out through the grapevine that we were seeing each other.

Old Snooki contacted him, flipping out that he had moved on. He was craving more company. In a dysfunctional cloud of jealousy and unresolved feelings,they began seeing one another again.

I really didn’t care. He’s a grown-ass man. He can do what he wants, as long as I don’t catch Herpes Simplex 2 from him. Then we would have a come-to-jesus moment which involved him strapped to a chair with hot sauce on his privates while Wonderwall played on bagpipes.

 

The problem is, Old Snooki does NOT want him seeing me. She’s making his life miserable over it.

He has feelings for her. He tells me “it’s complicated.”

 

I did stop seeing him at one point, to avoid the drama. But we ended up hanging out again because he has a huge penis we have fantastic chemistry.

He’s kind of perfect. He adds pizzazz to the neighborhood when he roars up to my driveway on his motorcycle. He’s super funny. He’s one of the few people who doesn’t exhaust me, even though our dates stretch into dawn. It’s probably because he’s your basic good dumb fuck  not into a lot of in-depth conversation.

 

But he COMPLAINS to ME about how crazy she is.

I’ve been called that by men, so I don’t usually take it too seriously. There’s “leaves nasty messages” crazy, and then there’s “slashes your tires and you end up in jail” crazy.

“Crazy” is something a man labels you after they’ve done shit so heinous that you find yourself at your wit’s end and driven to things like trying to embarrass them in the comment section of their blog, thus lending credibility to their claim.
oopsie. That’s another blog post.

All women are a little crazy. And crazy has its upside. Would I be proposing threesomes if I was normal?

 

Hot chicks are often crazy. If you meet a smoking hot, totally chill woman, she’s a transvestite.

But on the Crazy Matrix, Old Snooki is in the Danger Zone. That’s above the Red Line Sector which contains strippers, redheads, or anyone named Tiffany.

She keeps her hand on his leg to monitor whenever his phone goes off. When he’s with me, he’s nervous that he’ll go home to find her in his driveway. Waiting to smell him.

 

I proposed to CG that we have a threesome. She’s not my type but I’ll take one for the team.

She adamantly refuses.

I understand she’s emotionally attached, but does that have to mean exclusivity? I was in love with my husband, and we still occasionally opened Door Number Three. We even had a steady girlfriend for a while; a young woman we referred to as “Bus Girl” because she used to take the bus to where we live.

Bus Girl was an ex-gymnast, capable of Cirque du Soleil worthy feats of sexual prowess. She was 15 years younger than me, and fucked like a porno Energizer Bunny.

 

Things would be so EASY if Old Snooki just accepted me. The Cute Guy is too stressed over this, and it’s a buzz kill. I can’t continue to see him.

 

The only problem is, now I have visions of a threesome with him in my head.

As an alternative, I spoke to my bestie about him. Not my college or NY bestie. Another bestie. She’s a hot brunette with a terrific giggle and an ass like J Lo. We can call her “Troublemaker” because she is.

Troublemaker doesn’t live near me, but she’s planning to visit, now that I showed her CG’s picture.

Get your minds out of the gutter! I showed her his enormous penis.

 

Women. Men are not biologically programmed for monogamy. Stone Age men, unshackled by stifling societal mores, grabbed multiple cave ladies by the hair and hauled them back to the cave for hot Troglodyte sex.

It takes enormous effort for a man to be faithful. Their penises have a mind of their own. Boasting this protuberance is like owning an extra fridge just to stock beer in. If it’s there, you’re always waiting for a party to break out.

Letting them indulge in a little extracurricular activity sanctioned by you is a great way to let them know you appreciate their efforts.

And If you and your man have completely incompatible sex drives, with his being really high and yours much lower, why not invite another woman in the bedroom and let her play jiffy stiffy? It’s one less thing you have to do around the house, right?

There are so many reasons to indulge in threesomes, not the least of which is (as in the case of Bus Girl) designating the third-party to be the one to fetch drinks and snacks when you don’t feel like getting out of bed.

I could have used another woman for backup during my third trimester, when I was 11 months pregnant and still blowing my husband in restaurant bathrooms. In between Braxton Hicks contractions.

 

The threesome arrangement is not just for your man. Being with another woman is one of life’s great pleasures, ranking up there with shoe shopping and perfectly hot wiring a car.

If you’re daunted by the idea of eating a fur burger, you can keep everything above the waist. You think I’m gonna lick Old Snooki’s snatch? Not on your life. There’s no telling what I’ll find up there. If I put my ear to it like a seashell, her pussy will echo with the cries of a thousand desperate men.

 

Some men are completely disinterested in sex outside of their relationship. This is a unicorn. If you find a unicorn, capture it safely. Modern science would like to study and possibly replicate it.

 

If you do consider adding a woman to your relationship, there’s actually an app to help you find her.

Goddamn, I love technology.

Would you ever have a threesome? What if she had cool clothes you could borrow?
Have you had one? Fess up! 
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

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81 responses to In Defense of the Threesome

  1. 

    Nope..no threesomes here. I am way too uptight for that. haha.

    You had so many clever and funny lines in here..awesome, sister! This is awesome.

  2. 

    And that’s a fantastic way to start the day.

  3. 

    I’m a unicorn, but hey as long as everyone is consenting adults then knock yourselves out. No need to defend the position, or is that positions… in the bedroom… wait, where was I going with this. Oh yeah, loved the piece. But seriously Wonderwall on bagpipes, I’m pretty sure that’s against the Geneva Convention.

  4. 

    I particularly enjoyed the seashell metaphor 🙂

  5. 

    You had me at ‘threesome.’ You lost me at ‘enormous penis.’

    I have feelings, you know.

  6. 

    I sent this to my husband (as I do with many of your articles)
    He’s upstairs working – I’m downstairs working…he just sent me an e-mail asking if there’s a t-shirt he can order “Team Samara”
    Though, the fact that we are e-mailing each other instead of talking might be a sign of our super exciting sex life 😉

  7. 

    Seashell? 😀 Otherwise, no threesomes here. Just not my thing. 🙂

  8. 

    They really need to make an app for finding people not involved in complicated relationships.

    • 

      INVENT THAT!!!
      YOU WILL BE A MILLIONAIRE!!
      Please. I just want uncomplicated! (But no diseases).

      • 

        I think someone might have invented an app that allowed people to rank the quality of their dates Yelp-like (which is probably the only way to really weed out the complications because you can’t trust people to be honest in their own profiles), and the inventors were just destroyed on social media. Although that doesn’t mean they didn’t become millionaires.

      • 

        For real?? I would LOVE to see that!
        I’ve heard about people doing something like that, in terms or protecting themselves on online dating sites.
        Is that what you’re talking about?

        Can we please think of an app to invent? It doesn’t have to involve dating.
        I suggested one on Facebook, that reaches through your phone and smacks you upside the head. Whaddaya think?

  9. 
    Gretchen Kellaway January 21, 2016 at 10:22 am

    I have a unicorn- and it’s fantastic.

    I didn’t the first go around … and well.. there wasn’t an app back then and choices in the backwoods of PA were undesirable to me. Threesomes occurred when I was one of those curious teenagers, before babies warped me..

    Now I wouldn’t share my unicorn even with those scientists!

  10. 

    Brilliant from start to finish.
    Yes on the threesomes.
    Dying to know more about the blogging drama!

  11. 

    Yup, this was just as awesome as I imagined it would be. I was pleasantly surprised upon speaking to a good number of female friends that the concept of open relationships and bringing other people into the bedroom was more prevalent than I’d thought. I think it’s a great practice…now that I’m married or even in a relationship…but in theory I totally get it. I don’t think women are hardwired for monogamy any more than men.

    • 

      You’re right about women! I do think that we lean towards pair bonding more readily. Men do too, but it takes a little longer to get there. 😄

  12. 

    No 3-somes. I’m too “possessive” said some bitch once. She was totally right, though. I am.

  13. 

    I actually love you. This post is amazing and so accurate!! I’d be open to a threesome…feel free to send me pics of CG’s penis. 😉

  14. 
    Faith, trust, and pixie dust January 21, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    You never ever fail to leave me in a bout of giggles. From having three men in our lives each with their own meticulous duties to threesomes with old as fuck Snooki. Lmao I’m just glad I didn’t have a drink in my mouth that could have ricocheted off the wall from flying up my nose whilst giggling. As far as threesomes go….. I love the aspect of joining in with a chick. It’s probably because I’m bi and crazy (hey you said we could admit that we’re crazy) but because hell… It would be a lot of fun. And she can get the drinks while I cuddle Ches… He says that he hasn’t met a woman who’s open to the idea yet so he hasn’t had one…. I’m planning on popping that cherry as soon as I find we need and want it. Hopefully it won’t be his ex (eeeek I shutter at the absolute hell that would be) but who knows maybe it’ll be our very own bus girl. I hope CG enormous penis smacks that Snooki bitch in half so you can have your play time 😏 giggles. Love you thing 2!!!!

  15. 

    I’ve done a couple – I prefer the one where both people are interested in my pleasure. That being said though – if I weren’t married, I’d volunteer. 😀

    • 

      I like the one where they’re both giving me pleasure, but talk about unicorns! I have no idea how to make that happen.
      Unless it’s with two guys…

  16. 
    Two Book Minimum January 21, 2016 at 2:40 pm

    I have been propositioned to be the third addition a few times, but I was never really interested. I also had a partner who wanted to invite someone, and I wasn’t into it, much less the guy. Years later, he contacted me to ease his guilty conscience to tell me that he had cheated on my numerous times with girls in his apartment complex. Not only was I extremely glad I dumped him, but I was also glad for condoms. I wasn’t upset in the least, though. He needed that thrill and I didn’t. All of this is to say, to each their own. No judgement.

  17. 

    I’m so happy I know more than a few people who’ve found their unicorn ❤ ❤ ❤

    A fun piece, this 🙂

  18. 

    Nice one 💎💟… so well stated

  19. 

    Theoretically, I would consider a threesome with two men. Realistically, I imagine I would chicken out.

  20. 

    Threesome post: http://whenyoustopdigging.com/2015/04/29/just-friends-and-other-lines-of-shit-id-like-to-sell-you-part-ii/

    Apparently, the thing is foursomes now?? I don’t know. Maybe you need to find another bone to toss in Snooki’s direction.

  21. 

    Great post! My life has taken some interesting turns over my younger years, so none of this is foreign to me… I considered myself bi-curious for a few of those, but kept my adventures to people I knew, loved (whether right or wrong), and trusted. No regrets.
    As someone said above, all consenting adults … all for it. No judgment.

    But – what if Old Snooki went for it? What if she fell for YOU? What if she showed up in your driveway instead? Just a thought. :p

  22. 

    If it is with two men, yes! If it is with another woman – no. I need all the attention.

  23. 

    An Old Snooki….. so you really are willing to take one for the team. lol. I’ve been invited (for lack of a better word) but it was my bestie since age 4 and her super hot husband. Since I know my best friend, I declined reluctantly. Another chic took the offer I was given and my bestie went crazy, slice your tires, her tires, her face….. that kinda crazy. So, as much as i would have loved to participate, I could see the outcome that she couldn’t. Damn my wisdom. lol. Terrific article!!!

  24. 

    Now, I spend the rest of the evening thinking of ways for you and my wife to become friends. Not really, but sort of.

  25. 

    Apart from the potential fantasy material, this particular setup has a whole bunch of, ‘Danger Will Robinson’ sirens going off in my head. This guy is playing you, m’dear, even if he isn’t aware of it consciously … and as for Ms ‘Basic Instinct’, jealous ex-not ex-ex’s are just a waste of time.
    If you’re really into threesies, then start with a whole new hand-picked crew. 😀

  26. 

    I have been in an open relationship for the past 15 years and have found that it has worked very well for us. For me and him, it is not fidelity that matters but honesty. We can be with who we like as long as we don’t lie (or bring home anything unwanted).

  27. 

    God… you’re hysterical. Made me day!

    • 

      I’m so glad you laughed! Life is too short to take anything seriously!

      • 

        I love the way you write. I seriously laugh out loud. That’s SO hard to do. My latest novel is supposed to be a comedy, but the first person I had read it, said she laughed twice. TWICE… lol I know how HARD it is to write comedy. 🙂 hurry up and turn it into a novel I’m dying to read…

  28. 

    Just remember that if Old Snooki actually does come through door #3 she might kick it down on top of your, or bolt it shut with you trapped in there with here. Yes, bitches be cray!

    Oh, and as for threesomes. I was a personal trainer, bartender, and male dancer. Use your imagination. 😉

  29. 

    Damn cell phone. Sorry for the spelling mistakes in my last comment. At least I have a huge penis.

  30. 

    Its sad, Samara, how uptight and puritanical you are. LOL. God, I wish my life was this exciting but now I can live vicariously through you! And who knows, maybe I’ll pick up some pointers. Thank you. Fun read.

    • 

      Ha! My life is SO EXCITING!
      Right now I’m cleaning the floor and listening to my son make disgusting noises as he blows food out of his palate expander. Good times!
      hahahahaha Thanks for reading!!

  31. 

    I just found you. I may never go away. I’m crazy about good writing and honest living that way. Although I now know not to be drinking anything while leaning over my laptop while visiting you, because this was almost a very expensive post to read for me. My husband will be excited to hear there is an app for that, once I give him the green light. (I’m afraid I haven’t been living up to the fantasy of what marrying a bi woman would be like, but, eh, having tiny small children and wanting to choke the almost-life out of him on a daily basis can put a damper on those things.) – S.L.

  32. 

    ::scratching head::

    :: pausing for thought::

    ::Epiphenomenalism moment::

    Send Snooki a Ladyboy!

    My invoice is in the post

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