Welcome to the First Edition of ASK ME ANYTHING, my new series in which I answer my reader’s questions that no one actually asked me!
So, without further ado – Ask Me Anything!
1. Did you grow up with brothers and sisters, like a normal human being?
I was the only girl in a family with five brothers, all older than me. During the 1970’s, there was so much sperm flung around our apartment it was like living in the Monkey House at the Bronx Zoo.
2. What special writing awards have you won?
Sadly I didn’t qualify for the “I Gave a BlowJob Outside The Holland Tunnel” blog award. However, I WAS runner-up in the “Do You Think An Elephant Can Use a Fluffy Cat as a Tampon” essay contest.
3. What is something on your travel Bucket List?
I want to visit the Spanish village of Castrillo de Murcia and participate in “El Colacho,” the baby jumping festival. Parents place their babies in neat rows of pillows on a public street. Then, men dressed in bright red and yellow jumpsuits and grotesque devil masks run down the street, jumping over the rows of babies like Olympic hurdlers.
I’ve been lining up infants and practicing for YEARS.
4. Did you really have a chicken as a childhood pet?
Yes, in high school. I named him Dr. Feddy. He accidentally hatched in the biology lab, and was quite ill with irritable bowel syndrome as a baby chick. I nursed him back to health, even cleaning poo off his little chicken anus.
As he grew, I used to let him run around in the bathtub for exercise. When he started all that ‘cock-a-doodle-dooing‘ at dawn, my mom brought him to a farm so he could run free with the other chickens.
I just realized my mom was a lying hooker.
5. How do discipline with your child?
I aggravate the shit out of him with outdated rap expressions.
“Boo, you better break yourself, cause that is some chickenhead move! Finish your homework so we can go to Gamestop and get flossy, dude! No diggity!”
Translation: Honey, please stop trying to set the house on fire. It’s ill-advised. Finish your homework so we can go to Gamestop and buy you the video games that incite you to commit arson to begin with. I promise.
Flossy – The lesser known and unloved cousin of “jiggy.” Used to express one’s burning desire to be Flashy and Showy, while simultaneously reminding white folks about the importance of routine dental care.
6. Is it true you don’t like theme parks? Why?
I have terrible motion sickness. Growing up, we kept a pail in our station wagon for me to hurl in when I got car sick. To this day, I can’t go on rides. Once, when I was a kid, some family took me on “Rent A Poor Kid Day” to Six Flags something or other, and I threw up 17 times.
7. Do you have a pet peeve?
I LOSE IT when I get stuck in voice prompt purgatory. It is actually the Tenth Circle of Dante’s Hell.
“Please listen carefully to our menu options as they have changed” is a WHORE. They’re all changing their menu options daily and I can’t even remember why I started this sentence. Who is responsible for this? I will personally give that person a project girl beat-down.
When trapped in the Tenth Circle I start drooling and chant REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE.
8. What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning?
Make espresso. Twice. I have a 12-year-old with ADHD. He vaults out of bed like someone shoved a spring-loaded tampon up his ass. He talks until my ears bleed.
The best way to protect myself from this verbal onslaught is with copious alcohol consumption, but then I have trouble navigating the drop-off loop at his school. And we walk, so you can imagine my confusion.
9. Do you have a New Years resolution for 2016?
I want to stop swearing in front of my kid, which most often occurs when I’m driving. The insertion of the ignition key directly stimulates the foul mouth limbic center of my brain. Last week I called a pedestrian an Eskimo whore, which Little Dude questioned for 10 minutes. I also forget that he’s a kid sometimes, and answer him like an adult. Last summer, I was looking at booty shorts at Target, and he said, “You can’t wear those!” To which I replied, “Oh yeah? Watch me, MOTHERFUCKER!”
10. Is there something on your sexual bucket list?
Yes. I would like to douse myself in over-the-counter numbing cream containing 4% lidocaine, then sit on my partner backwards but not feel anything or in fact, even know I’m there. It’s called Reverse Stranger.
11. What was the worst nightmare you ever had?
I have a recurring nightmare in the form of a science fiction film. In the post-apocalyptic world, Year One Million and a Half, seagulls are currency and giraffes are a predatory species which rule the world. Giraffes are my favorite animal, but in my nightmare, they’ve turned vicious.They don’t bite, but they swing their heads which comes in like a wrecking ball. Giraffes weigh 3000 pounds and sleep only 20 minutes a day. Imagine one of those cranky fuckers chasing you at high speed.
Human kind, enslaved by giraffes. Giraffic Park.
Stay tuned for my next installment of Ask Me Anything! If you have any real questions, leave them in the comments and I might even answer them.
So ask me anything. I’m listening.