Welcome to the First Edition of ASK ME ANYTHING, my new series in which I answer my reader’s questions that no one actually asked me!
So, without further ado – Ask Me Anything!
1. Did you grow up with brothers and sisters, like a normal human being?
I was the only girl in a family with five brothers, all older than me. During the 1970’s, there was so much sperm flung around our apartment it was like living in the Monkey House at the Bronx Zoo.
2. What special writing awards have you won?
Sadly I didn’t qualify for the “I Gave a BlowJob Outside The Holland Tunnel” blog award. However, I WAS runner-up in the “Do You Think An Elephant Can Use a Fluffy Cat as a Tampon” essay contest.
3. What is something on your travel Bucket List?
I want to visit the Spanish village of Castrillo de Murcia and participate in “El Colacho,” the baby jumping festival. Parents place their babies in neat rows of pillows on a public street. Then, men dressed in bright red and yellow jumpsuits and grotesque devil masks run down the street, jumping over the rows of babies like Olympic hurdlers.
I’ve been lining up infants and practicing for YEARS.
4. Did you really have a chicken as a childhood pet?
Yes, in high school. I named him Dr. Feddy. He accidentally hatched in the biology lab, and was quite ill with irritable bowel syndrome as a baby chick. I nursed him back to health, even cleaning poo off his little chicken anus.
As he grew, I used to let him run around in the bathtub for exercise. When he started all that ‘cock-a-doodle-dooing‘ at dawn, my mom brought him to a farm so he could run free with the other chickens.
I just realized my mom was a lying hooker.
5. How do discipline with your child?
I aggravate the shit out of him with outdated rap expressions.
“Boo, you better break yourself, cause that is some chickenhead move! Finish your homework so we can go to Gamestop and get flossy, dude! No diggity!”
Translation: Honey, please stop trying to set the house on fire. It’s ill-advised. Finish your homework so we can go to Gamestop and buy you the video games that incite you to commit arson to begin with. I promise.
Flossy – The lesser known and unloved cousin of “jiggy.” Used to express one’s burning desire to be Flashy and Showy, while simultaneously reminding white folks about the importance of routine dental care.
6. Is it true you don’t like theme parks? Why?
I have terrible motion sickness. Growing up, we kept a pail in our station wagon for me to hurl in when I got car sick. To this day, I can’t go on rides. Once, when I was a kid, some family took me on “Rent A Poor Kid Day” to Six Flags something or other, and I threw up 17 times.
7. Do you have a pet peeve?
I LOSE IT when I get stuck in voice prompt purgatory. It is actually the Tenth Circle of Dante’s Hell.
“Please listen carefully to our menu options as they have changed” is a WHORE. They’re all changing their menu options daily and I can’t even remember why I started this sentence. Who is responsible for this? I will personally give that person a project girl beat-down.
When trapped in the Tenth Circle I start drooling and chant REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE, REPRESENTATIVE.
8. What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning?
Make espresso. Twice. I have a 12-year-old with ADHD. He vaults out of bed like someone shoved a spring-loaded tampon up his ass. He talks until my ears bleed.
The best way to protect myself from this verbal onslaught is with copious alcohol consumption, but then I have trouble navigating the drop-off loop at his school. And we walk, so you can imagine my confusion.
9. Do you have a New Years resolution for 2016?
I want to stop swearing in front of my kid, which most often occurs when I’m driving. The insertion of the ignition key directly stimulates the foul mouth limbic center of my brain. Last week I called a pedestrian an Eskimo whore, which Little Dude questioned for 10 minutes. I also forget that he’s a kid sometimes, and answer him like an adult. Last summer, I was looking at booty shorts at Target, and he said, “You can’t wear those!” To which I replied, “Oh yeah? Watch me, MOTHERFUCKER!”
10. Is there something on your sexual bucket list?
Yes. I would like to douse myself in over-the-counter numbing cream containing 4% lidocaine, then sit on my partner backwards but not feel anything or in fact, even know I’m there. It’s called Reverse Stranger.
11. What was the worst nightmare you ever had?
I have a recurring nightmare in the form of a science fiction film. In the post-apocalyptic world, Year One Million and a Half, seagulls are currency and giraffes are a predatory species which rule the world. Giraffes are my favorite animal, but in my nightmare, they’ve turned vicious.They don’t bite, but they swing their heads which comes in like a wrecking ball. Giraffes weigh 3000 pounds and sleep only 20 minutes a day. Imagine one of those cranky fuckers chasing you at high speed.
Human kind, enslaved by giraffes. Giraffic Park.
Stay tuned for my next installment of Ask Me Anything! If you have any real questions, leave them in the comments and I might even answer them.
So ask me anything. I’m listening.
Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter so I can have friends without leaving the house.
Baby jumping ???? How about throwing your baby from the terrace & see what happens ? How thrilling that would be ! Who are we ?
Didn’t Michael Jackson do that?
Maybe he just (just?) dangled his baby from a terrace. If memory serves me correctly…
No. I meant it is unethical to play with life of baby.
You used the word tampon twice in a blog post that had nothing to do with tampons–impressive motherfucker! Thanks for the snort laugh today. Keep practicing that baby jumping, sounds like you found a calling.
Yeah, I noticed that too. Is there something you’d like to tell us? 😀
I am now going to attempt to use the word “tampon” twice in every thing I write.
I gotta have goals, amirite?
You are one serious whack job. It scares me a little how much I love your blog!
I scare myself a little, truth be told. Wondering what the HELL this stuff is doing all up in my brain!
Hey – no questions for the next edition? Ask me anything…
Here’s a question – why the hell am I spending my day making ravioli from scratch?
And by scratch, I mean I spent yesterday making ricotta (which was a bitch to clean up from) and today I’m caked in the flour that didn’t make it into the pasta dough.
Seriously, if there’s a pill to cure this, sign me up.
I will DEFINITELY answer your question on the next edition of AMA.
And seriously – homemade lasagne? Holy Carbs and cheese! I’m impressed.
Do you have a brother? Who cooks like that?
And also plays the guitar and is funny like you?
No, just ravioli. But it came out really good!
Yum…ravioli. Homemade? Extra yum. Craving. You do it for the love?
That’s got to be it. Otherwise, there’s really no good reason for that kind of effort! 😉
Oh.. man do I have questions? Questions I can not ask at this time because I am on day three.. or is it two of no sleep. This time it’s all my fault.
That was probably the greatest thing I have read so far today and that’s saying something since I read blogs like some people watch Netflix. And did I mention I haven’t slept.
I forget sometimes that my 12 year old is a kid too.. but he was/is my best friend since birth.. it’s hard.
What do you want to be when you grow up? I already told you I will be wearing an awful lot of purple and hopefully healing everyone with sage-
Love you Samara.. your blog always makes my day!
I love you, Gretchen. The more I know about you, the more I fall in love.
I’m going to use your question in my next edition of AMA!
Samara, you really need your own comedy show! I laughed the entire time I was reading this. I can’t wait for the next edition! 🙂
I just re-read it myself, and laughed like a wild hyena. Hahahaha
First, I have to write the screenplay for Giraffic Park. Then I’ll do the next edition. 🙂
Let’s play a game! I’m going to ask one word questions, and you answer with the first thing that comes to mind. (Yes, I’m really psychoanalizing you.)
Ooh, I LOVE this!
Orange? You glad I didn’t say banana.
Shizzle? My Nizzle.
Hah! Well played. It turns out you are crazy, like the rest of us
Great and funny post. Yes, I have two questions for you: What is the biggest lie to which you have ever believed?
What would you do differently if you knew, you will not be convicted? Would be so nice to get an answer, thank you ♥
Those are two great questions, and oddly enough, related to one another!
Oh BOY, I am going to use those in my next AMA! Thanks!!
Truth be told, Little Dude will probably grow up to be more well-balanced than most kids, thanks to his early education about Eskimo whores and really bad “cracker” rap.
My question: Have you considered reviving “Nanny 9-1-1?” I think you could help a lot of families. Just not the ones ON the actual show…
(By the way, this was great fun, Samara 😉 )
I’m going to use that question on my next AMA, the one with some actual real questions. Wait – Nanny 911? Is that the show where nannies accidentally set the house on fire while drunk and then call 911?
Hey! I think you missed my Portland post, but I did give you a shout out in i! xoxo
If you need a character reference, you know who to call. And yes, I had to respond to one of those Nany 9-1-1 calls!
I’ve been slow to get back on Facebook and WordPress until late last week, so I’m still catching up on posts. I knew you’d love Portland, and thanks for the shoutout 😉
I suspect those Spanish baby jumpers are just repressed guys who’ve had no luck jumping babes.
Oh. My. God. Funniest fucking thing I’ve read since Hector was a pup. Will you be my new BFF? I can only aspire to your uninhibited approach to writing. XOXO
I love these “ask my anything” type posts but your series kicks it up WAYYYY higher than usual. I love it. Especially the Reverse Stranger. I might have snorted from laughing so hard more than once while reading this. You definitely added some spice to my Thursday. Thanks, Lovely Lady!
Snorting without any drugs involved is a fabulous thing! Glad I made you laugh, and thank YOU, lady – for reading! xo
You really make me laugh. Thanks, Samara! I needed this today.
I love that I made you laugh! xoxoxoxo
Baby jumping? Motherfucker!
The fact that it actually exists makes me simultaneously awe struck and terrified.
So… if you come visit, do you want to come feed giraffes with us at the zoo to hopefully placate them enough to be kinder to us and our spawn?
Also, clearly we are related as I get motion sickness anytime I am not driving.
Anyhow, thanks for the laugh this morning. 😀
Reverse. Stranger. I am in. Or on. Or whatever.
Hey you! I hear through the grapevine (otherwise known as Facebook) that you throw great parties! I’m in or on the next one of those!
thanks for reading, Anna. xoxo
Color or colour?
Tomato or tomato? Lol
Salad or soup?
Chicken or steak?
FABULOUS questions, and ones I will happily answer on the next edition of AMA!
Oh and the answer to life to my list. 😜 cheers hope it’s a great day.
I had to Google the baby jumping, I thought it must be joke, but no, it’s real! I also thought the “Do You Think An Elephant Can Use a Fluffy Cat as a Tampon” was a joke, but no, that was real too – congrats on that, that’s really something.
Baby jumping is REAL!
Elephants using fluffy cats as tampons is a totally real thing I made up in my mind. It counts.
I love you and the fact that you called your kid a motherfucker. Also, I love this series idea. I might have to steal it for myself.
Actually, I stole it from you!
I just hadn’t been asked anything, so I had to make stuff up.
Yes, now you do it, too! It’ll be a joint venture!
Yay! It’s a theft reach-around!
Hahaha you’re awesome!
Yer a nutter, but ya ain’t half entertaining 🙂
I needed a laugh. So I gave myself one.
And all of us too!
Speakin’ of theme parks, do you think the person who invented Tilt-A Whirl meant it to rhyme with “hurl?”
I think the actual name is Tilt A Hurl, and people just mistakenly added the “W”
A thing I learned recently: the collective noun for a group of giraffes is a TOWER. I think that’s kind of amazing. Question: what is your favorite sea creature? Second question: do you have a curse word that you only use when REALLY REALLY angry? (“mothershitting” is the adjective that occasional comes out of my mouth, when discussing 7 train service or anything having to do with Time Warner).
This hurts laughing…a good hurt though. Elephant with a fluffy cat tampon. So funny. Ask you anything? Maybe. 🙂
Elephants gotta use SOMETHING, amirite? If they just let it drip, it would be a small river of blood.
Excuse me while I go throw up now.
That is exactly how my seven year old ADHDer wakes up. And the bleeding ears thing continues until about ten minutes after she goes to sleep. Now I know another person I can swap notes with!
All of this — too funny. The booty shorts in Target made me spit out perfectly good coffee from laughing.
Oh, completely swap notes with me! Let the note swapping begin!
If my kid isn’t talking, he’s singing, or making sounds, or tapping something, or somehow contributing to the noise level in my home which sounds like there are five kids, instead of one.
In case my first comment didn’t make sense, I meant I agree with Lizzi. Then replied to your “I gave myself a laugh.” You gave us all one too, a huge ass one. In contrast to a chicken anus.
I’m going to try to use the phrase “chicken anus” in all my blog posts. It seems to have really resonated with readers.
Yeah, but how exactly are you going to participate in the Baby Jumping festival – are you going to be bringing a baby, or jumping over the babies, or laying on the pillow and watching the people jump over you? 🙂
That depends on who you ask. 😄
You. Crack Me. Up.
And not just because I’m seriously sleep-deprived and have consumed enough caffeine to power all for DFW by treadmill.
Good thing I HATE treadmills.
Caffeine is the Elixir of the Gods.
And treadmills suck donkey balls.
Your hilarious! Thank you for the laugh that woke my husband up from the other room! Then he asks what’s so funny, I can’t even begin to explain! Love it!!
Ack! Husbands never understand anything, do they? 🙂
Thanks for reading and commenting. xoxoxoox
Imma start practicing jumping over my children tonight!
Just make sure the bigger ones don’t get all whiney if you miss and accidentally land on them.