That Time I Had A Dying Dog Over For Thanksgiving

October 15, 2015 — 103 Comments

dog at table

My ex sister-in-law hated me on sight.

It wasn’t because she felt no one was good enough for her brother. She just hates everyone. She’s an equal-opportunity hater.

The first time I met her, I was dating my Ex and was invited to spend Thanksgiving at her house.

Thanksgiving 1999. I walked in and Bang! CHAOS.

She was flapping around the tiny kitchen, which smelled like a skunk fucking a burning tire. She was wild-eyed; furiously puffing on a Marlboro Red and screeching at her husband and two-teenage daughters. Her two dogs were barking incessantly. Nothing was even close to ready. Pots and pans were bubbling and threatening to boil over on the stove.

I enjoy cooking and I’m the kind of guest who walks in, rolls up her sleeves, and pitches right in.

“Can I help you in here?” I offered.

“NO!” she barked at me in her gravely, man-sounding smoker’s voice. You know, like frog bones in a blender?

“You don’t just THROW a meal like this together,” she snapped at me, waving her arms in a grand sweeping gesture over her kitchen. It was jam-packed full of junk normal people throw out. Hoarders, The Thanksgiving Edition.

She then proceeded to whip potatoes like they stole something from her. She set the bowl of mashed potatoes on the table WHERE IT SAT FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS UNTIL WE ATE. At that point, it had one of those nice “protective coatings” on top, and tasted like hobo urine.

My ex’s sister, aka Satan’s daughter is not only the Queen of Mean, she’s manipulative, jealous, castrating, hypochondriacal, and LOUD.

I haven’t heard her husband talk in over 15 years. Her crazy has muzzled him to where he communicates in hand gestures.

She’s obsessive about her dogs. She refers to them as her “non biological” children, and demands that they be treated as such. She expects Little Dude to refer to them as “his cousins.” YES, SHE DOES.

She has closets full of clothes for them. They go to temple wearing Yarmulkes. As soon as one yappy, bitter little dog dies, she replaces it with another. She has a seemingly endless supply of tiny mentally ill dogs who NEVER STOP BARKING NOT EVER NEVER.

She is obsessed with Elvis Presley and her latest non biological child is named “Miss Elvis Presley.” It’s a girl dog, dressed in little pinafores, that she carries around town and refers to as “Miss Elvis Presley.” She doesn’t like you to shorten the name, either. When you refer to the dog, you have to say, “excuse me, but Miss Elvis Presley just took a shit on my living room rug.”

She will not go anywhere without them.

Well, she doesn’t go anywhere. She is chronically ill with some mysterious ailment that prevents her from leaving the house ever, unless Macy’s is having a one day sale. She has missed every important family occasion, including (I SWEAR TO GOD) her own daughter’s wedding. An enigmatic bowel affliction leaves her unable to get off the toilet.

Two years ago, when I was still married, we had Thanksgiving at my house. I love to host holidays. and my Ex  sister-in-law’s turkey tastes like sanitary napkins. She’d pick at my food and pretend not to like a thing I cooked. Then she’d pack enough leftovers to save a starving Ubangi village and stuff her face with them the next day. According to her husband, who told me in sign language, she licks her fingers and murmurs to herself the entire time she’s eating them.

That particular year, her beloved dog was dying. He was gravely ill with only days to live. She lives about 20 minutes from us, but refused to come to my house unless she could bring the sick dog.

I understood. I wouldn’t want my dog to die alone, either.

However once at my house she insisted that he join us, and laid him on a pillow under the dining room table. His eyes were jaundiced; his breathing ragged and irregular. He bleated like  Chewbecca having an aneurism.

I prayed to God that he would live, at least through the meal. “Please God, I beg of you, do not let this dog die under my Thanksgiving table in front of my 10-year-old. He will never get over it.”

We did our best to enjoy the meal, but it’s hard to really dig in and celebrate heartily when you’re housing an outtake from Pet Semetary. Thankfully, her doggie lived through the meal and the next day, he went to the Great Kennel in the Sky.

The last time we all got together for a family occasion was about a year ago. My two nephews, (well, technically the Ex’s nephews) were now grown and able to drink legally. These are the other sister’s kids, and they have always known their aunt was kamikaze crazy.

But now, we were able to create a drinking game around it. Yippee! Every time my ex sister-in-law said something bizarre, offensive, ridiculous – we had to take a drink of wine.

We. Got. Schmammered.

And had to go back to the liquor store THREE TIMES to buy more alcohol.

This year, I may host an open house for Thanksgiving. You’re all invited, provided you leave any dying pets at home.

Do you have a crazy in law? What’s the weirdest Thanksgiving you ever had?
Will you bring lots of dessert to my house for the holidays?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

Please follow me on Instagram! I sometimes take pictures in superhero underwear but only because I crave validation.

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103 responses to That Time I Had A Dying Dog Over For Thanksgiving

  1. 

    Holy. Shit. This is awesome. And I thought I had crazy in-laws

  2. 

    My cats are lucky I feed them. Come to think of it,
    so are my children. What does that say about me? 😉

  3. 

    “a skunk fucking a burning tire” This line made the coffee come out of my nose, that will be a smell, I will be blaming on your for the entire day. Hilarious and awesome as always!

  4. 

    My ex’s sister was sweet… but everything she cooked was horrid. AND she insisted on hosting Thanksgiving every year with her premade boxed food and the turkey that had been cooked at 300° for a fekkin year and didn’t even resemble jerky at the point we were served. I, luckily, got to host Christmas. (Didn’t want to do Thanksgiving as I didn’t want to have her feelings hurt when people actually ate my food.)

    • 

      Everyone always asked me to bake for the holidays and I always felt bad bringing home baked stuff to the SIL’s house. Her horrible desserts would sit there forlornly, while everyone scarfed down mine.

  5. 

    Well, I THOUGHT I had crazy in-laws. Now I know they’re as normal as June and Ward Cleaver compared to yours. hahaha Actually, my in-laws are cute-crazy, the kind you adore….not bat-shit fuck-head crazy. I can’t even imagine a meal with a dying dog under the table. *shudders*
    I am not a good nor enthusiastic cook, but I do enjoy baking. If I ever come to your house, I’ll bring you some baked yummos. 🙂

    • 

      Yay! But please bring the toxic fully loaded stuff with butter and sugar. No healthy gluten free dairy free cupcakes sweetened with the tears of unicorns, okay?
      Bring on the POISON! hahahah

  6. 

    LOL, I like that drinking game!

  7. 

    Dessert is covered: Apple pie, chocolate cake, brownies, a dozen kinds of cookies. We do desserts in the kingdom.

    • 

      I KNOW you do! The Queen also bakes Christmas cookies, right?
      Someday, I’m going to visit during the holiday and season and she and I will do a weekend of baking cookies. I love to bake. 🙂

  8. 

    This past Thanksgiving, one of my husband’s batshit relatives did us all a favor by being too busy getting herself arrested to attend. One less plateful of crazy at that table was definitely something to be thankful for.

  9. 

    I would love to come to your house for Thanksgiving! I’ve hosted before but it’s hit or miss. It’s such a huge meal to prepare. This post just made me laugh. Your in-laws are kamikaze crazy! Yikes. The drinking game saved the day. Having dogs for kids….not even close, right? That would drive me nuts.

    • 

      The thing about meals like this, is that yes, they are a GIANT effort. I spend days preparing. And then, it all gets eaten in about 45 minutes.

      Of course, then there’s Round Two, later that night. Turkey sandwiches and all the leftovers as sides. Yum.

      If you’re ever on the East Coast for Thanksgiving, and I’m hosting – I would LOVE to have you over, Amy!

  10. 

    Thank you, this was great! My entire ex family is crazy and we are all (and I mean all) Puertoricans so every ocassion we got together we drank, ate everything is sight and scream at each other over each other’s conversations. I stopped taking Lexapro after my divorce 😀

    • 

      I’ve spent a number of holidays over the years with big, crazy Puerto Rican families. My ex boyfriend, for one, and my best friend of 30 years, for another. I love it! Yes, it’s impossible to get a word in edge wise, but most of the time they’re speaking Spanish and I don’t know what they’re saying anyway.

  11. 

    I have to thank little 1-foot-long-baby-Jesus that I don’t have a smart phone, because I would’ve been fired if I had read this at work and LOL’ed like a crazy man (um, like me, only moreso, I guess) in front of everyone, at nearly everything in here. It all started with how she whipped the potatoes. It always starts with the potatoes, doesn’t it?
    I have a sis-in-law who feeds us half-raw chicken 2 hours late, or has to experiment with new shit. News flash: there’s a reason that people eat the same old things on Turkey Day: because most people love the same old things.

    • 

      OMG, this one also serves her chicken half raw! My ex husband used to joke that it looks and tastes like she cooked it with a hair blower!

      yep. It always starts with the potatoes. 🙂

  12. 

    I am dying at so many things in this post; skunks fucking burning tires, hobo urine, nonbiological children. Aren’t you glad that she’s your EX!

  13. 

    Excellent use of ‘hobo urine,’ and the pairing of skunk, fire, and intercourse? Brilliant. Well done you.

    • 

      Wait. Now my OCD is flaring up. You can’t “pair” three things, can you?
      IS THERE A WORD FOR THREE THINGS???

      I guess we just have to go with “combine.” xoxoox

  14. 

    I bet your ex sister-in-law’s food tasted terrible to you only because

    • 

      … (mmmmm, I am half a mind to stop here and allow my accidentally unfinished comment to become a great unsolved mystery of what exactly I was trying to say 🙂
      .
      .
      .
      .
      .
      (But I’m gonna continue)…only because she cooked her food according to the tastes of her non-biological children.

      • 

        Her dogs ate better than her family. She used to cook them very specially prepared, very expensive dishes of ground lamb and brown rice, seasoned a very specific way. She followed some recipe from the vet, to the letter and it was the best thing she cooked!

    • 

      Because she had a habit of forgetting what she was saying right in the middle of a sentence?

  15. 

    The drinking game. I have a long list of crazy. Inlaws and my own circus tent. I’m totally playing this one with my sister!

    • 

      Donna, for some reason, this comment – and the weather today – makes me wish we were sitting together polishing off a bottle of wine together. xoxoxoxo

  16. 

    I had a SIL attempt suicide once because of overwhelming abortion guilt…

  17. 

    I’ll bring you ” heaven in a pan ” and you will love me forever 🙂

  18. 

    “She then proceeded to whip potatoes like they stole something from her.” Ha,ha! I can picture this exactly! What a wacko, indeed. There’s always one in a group.

    The Thanksgiving story that’s the most memorable for me is the time my younger brother used an upstairs bathroom at my cousin’s house (she was hosting) in the middle of the meal, and after he returned to the table we all heard…drip…drip…drip…drip… He had clogged the toilet and the water was coming through the bathroom floor into the kitchen in front of all of us!!! We never laughed so hard. 🙂

  19. 

    Oh my gawd. I don’t think I can top that kind of crazy. And my in laws are definitely crazy. I’m stressed just reading about this chic. People like that make me clench my jaw and my blood pressure rise. Could you imagine growing up with her???

    As for Thanksgiving, I LOVE it. I love cooking aaaalll the food and baking pumpkin pie and eating all day long. My only problem is I can’t have a glass of wine while I’m cooking. I get too easily distracted and too blasé about stuff when I’m drinking. I bet your Thanksgiving dinner is amazing…

    • 

      Growing up with her, according to her siblings, was a nightmare they have never stopped talking about. I’ve heard the stories so many times I feel like I grew up with her.

      I usually spend Christmas with my BFF from college, and yes- that’s exactly what we do! We drink wine and space out about everything and laugh while things overcook.

      I make a FABULOUS Thanksgiving dinner. Have I ever told you I like to cook? I’ll bet you do, too. Is it Southern, with biscuits and candied yams and stuff? Okra?

  20. 

    Drinking games! They made thanksgiving bearable. My ex’s family hated each other! But still insisted on their annual cranksgiving festivities. Most of the in-laws joined the fuckery in defense of their almighty spouse. But not me and my ex-SIL’s husband. We sat back and watched the hilarity like it was Keeping Up With The Karfuckians drinking beer and shorting tequila until we were too drunk to eat the hate-laced meal spiced with evil. He’s the only thing I miss about that shitfest of a family.

    • 

      Keeping Up With the Karfuckians- hahaha!

      You know exactly what I’m talking about, don’t you! My Ex’s family hated each other. Those who didn’t still talked shit about each other.

      One of the perks of divorce. Ahhhh

  21. 

    Wow. She’d put my ex SIL to shame. Although they may have had the same husband.

  22. 

    hahahaha…best line Chewbecca having an aneurism! i’m assuming you’re divorced from your sister-in-law too.

  23. 

    Hilarious read,,,,,,,,,,,

  24. 

    “Tasted like hobo urine.” What a meal! She reminds me of my childhood best friend, who I finally realized has a major personality disorder when I finally grew up and got some distance and perspective. One time she dropped her clogs down from upstairs (the clogs from a few decades ago that were wood with leather uppers). One fell several feet, clocking her mother on the head, causing great pain. Instead of empathizing and apologizing, she blamed her mother for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Did I mention she’s an ex-friend these days?

  25. 

    O.M.Geeee. In my BEST Taylor Swift voice, I’m never EVER going to complain again about relatives. Your Ex-SIL puts the fun in dysfunctional. Of course, I hope you thank her appropriately for the solid gold entertainment she provides. BTW, how do I get in on that drinking game? I married an only child and must live vicariously through the whack job in-laws of others.

  26. 

    So weird. I was just thinking about 35 minutes ago how happy I am now that I don’t have to spend holidays with my ex’s family. I mean they weren’t all horrible but I could write a book about my crazy ex-mother-in-law and my sister-in-law made back-handed comments to me incessantly for 15 years. I hope this Thanksgiving is the best for you yet! I had an open house Thanksgiving once and invited all my “strays”. One of the best ever.

    • 

      I LOVE open house Thanksgivings! I’ve had a few, and they ARE the best.

      Yes, not having to spend holidays with the Ex’s family is one of the perks of divorce. Thanks for stopping by, Jen. I’m always so happy when you do.

  27. 

    This is why I’m trying to stay home this Thanksgiving. I pray I don’t get dragged anywhere or you can just shoot me with a cannon full of Jack Daniels. Or just shoot me. Please.

  28. 

    My husband and I quit trying to combine our families for thanksgiving – after my sister in laws’ ex called my brothers boyfriend a faggot and slapped him in the face (we were drinking wine and decorating for our daughters one year birthday party….). In general though I read this thinking, oh shit…is this me? this is me. No maybe its not me. I quit smoking and I used to assist in euthanizing sick animals when i was a teenager (my…second job..? yeah.) So the dog thing is not an issue. BUT you could make a drinking game out of the shit I say around them. My father in law is an ex-biker tattooed (by me mostly) cool guy, my mother in law just bumbles along and laughs and passes the joint. their kids though? including the one I married mostly…P R U D E S. Christ on a cracker if they played a drinking game…they might die. And i’m obviously not in the business of bringing shit back to life 🙂 My aunt cooks for her dog too….and had to get a prescription for klonopin when her cocker spaniel died.
    Side note of relevance: I ofter look around at some of my family and think, thank fuck I am adopted and don’t have that type of crazy running through my veins – just through my brain(nature VS nurture?)

    • 

      This comment was more entertaining than some entire blog posts.
      You had me at the slap in the face. Not that I condone that, but someone doing it at a one year birthday party is just – funny?

  29. 

    I never have Thanksgiving anymore. Instead, my grown up kids fly in early (when airfare is much cheaper and traveling not so horrendous) and we have Fakesgiving. This year Fakesgiving is on October 25th – besides myself and my two adult children who live with me, we’ll be joined by my daughter, her husband, my 3-year-old and 2-month-old grandbabies, my other adult daughter, my parents, my brother, my ex’s parents, and my ex. It’s the first time my parents have seen my ex since he left me last year. What could go wrong?? Since my ex-mother-in-law is demanding to bring the pies this year, I would be totally up for making dessert for Thanksgiving at your house. Something with chocolate – lots and lots of chocolate. Ummmmm…it may not make it to your house after all.

    • 

      Fakes giving is an amazing idea! You’re so right about the airfare.
      But this particular crowd you’ve invited- I’m scared for you. I’ll be expecting a post from this…

  30. 

    Hahahaha. This was really funny. Holy fuck dog owners like that are really crazy. Her poor husband.

  31. 

    Hahaha. 🙂 What a controlling wingnut. Well, at least you sort of lost her in the divorce.Unfortunately, your son hasn’t, but he seems quite capable of handling her. 🙂

  32. 

    Samara, you totally have the plot for the next National Lampoon “Vacation” flick here! I am not shitting you, change your last name to Griswald and go pitch that bitch. You might as well get $omething out of it! So glad I decided to catch up with over my weekly cigar n coffee. I always hated Thanksgiving as a kid because eff football, I am a book-devouring tech geek word-nerd, and you totally beat any Thanksgiving story I have with the ridiculously-ugly stick. GREAT post! *Lmao & praying for the dogs.*

    Dan

  33. 

    Skunks f..ing tires, frog bones in blender, dogs with yarmulkes, and one dog’s Last Supper……i was laughing from start to finish. It is just so bizarre. I guess we readers should be thankful your 15 years of suffering gave each of us a few minutes of comic bliss.

  34. 

    OMG that is way better than even the Christmas my husband & I spent at his attention-whore bitch of a sister’s house in FATlanta where she threw a tantrum when I offered to make empanadas (God forbid anyone upstage her pepperoni-rice (her version of rice & beans, ew) and pasta with “meat sauce” (basically a loaf of chopped meat tossed on a griddle and fried for 10 minutes before tossing it in a pot with Prego).

    Weirdest Thanksgiving was when I spent it with an old friend in Long Island instead of going to my husband’s family & my father-in-law was not happy about that. Whouda thunk!?

  35. 

    There’s a reason they’re exes… right? It’s the one thing you give up in custody, happily. Very amusing dear Samara! xox

  36. 
    Faith, trust, and pixie dust October 19, 2015 at 1:59 am

    You never fail to make me giggle thing 2! And I love it! Hmmmmm my crazy ex brother in laws wife I guess that would be ex ex sisters law??? I don’t know wtf it would make her… Anywho.. She tried to get me fired from work and ruin my marriage with a lie about trying to get her evicted from “hoardersville” apartments all in the same day! Just because and I quote….”I just like to have drama in the family”
    She’s just like your ex sister in law. I swear I was reading about my ex sister in law to the “T” if she (your ex sister in law) was also Canadian then I would be really suspicious…. 😉 anywho…. She was a crazy bitch. And bitches be cray cray 😜 love you thing 2

  37. 

    OMG …” a skunk fucking a burning tire” !!! That is a metaphor that will never be forgotten. I laughed so hard at this post – I was reading it in my car while waiting for my daughter to finish cheer practice, and I’m sure the other people in cars thought I was batshit crazy. I especially love the drinking game…I’ve gotta think of the next time I can employ this. And you have reminded me of a terrible Thanksgiving of days’ long past. I must write about it.

  38. 

    My brothers wives are all off the charts cray cray in a bad way. One had a miracle baby that she denied growing inside her until the moment her water broke. One I got into a fist fight with on Thanksgiving out in the driveway that started over cheesecake. One I won’t even go into, she doesn’t deserve words typed about her or the air she breathes. All of them completely control(led) their husbands. Do you see a pattern here?

    • 

      I do.

      Did you smash cheesecake over her head in the driveway? That would have been me.

      • 

        haha no, she was pissed at my mother because she made the cheesecake. Long story.

      • 

        Okay, that already sounds crazy. How do you get mad at someone for baking a cheesecake? Because it’s YOUR signature dessert? Because your cheesecake is so effing legendary how DARE your mother in law make one?
        Oy.

      • 

        Since you asked: It is kinda my mother’s signature Thanksgiving dessert, she makes it every year and it’s delicious. That year my sil asked her to make it for my brother’s birthday (Dec 2nd) so when it appeared at Thanksgiving sil got bent out of shape because now his birthday surprise would be “less special” somehow. So, she threw a toddler fit, stomped out of the room, eventually ended up locking herself in my brother’s truck in the driveway sulking. I went out to get her and she started yelling in my face about how she just wants to be part of the family (they weren’t married yet) so I said you aren’t family yet. She got up in my face so I told her to back off, she didn’t so I shoved her away. She came back with cray cray flying fists. That’s the short of it.

      • 

        Over a frigging cheesecake.

        That’s when it would have ended up over her head.

  39. 

    Hey! I nominated you for the Creative Blogger Award! I love reading your posts. They are hilarious! Go here to participate in the award: http://wp.me/p2t2tU-iU

  40. 

    When you look up crazy in the dictionary her picture is next to it.

    Also, she needs a reality show on Spike TV. We all need a good laugh.

  41. 

    Ha! I meant big ass bowl. Pig ass would also work I guess……

  42. 

    I laughed so damn hard when you describe your ex brother in law speaking in hand gestures. Classic! It was a perfect description of many husbands married to some hardcore bitches. I had a hard time reading it through tears of laughter! My husband lay next to watching me like I was bat shit crazy until I started reading aloud and he burst into laughter!

    • 

      I’m so glad I made you laugh! I love to do that.
      I have a post coming out tomorrow that cracked me up the whole time I was writing it – stay tuned!

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