Women Drivers SUCK

September 17, 2015 — 85 Comments
Dangerous Driving

\

Look, lady in the parking lot,

I understand the frenzied pace of your suburban itinerary, as you hurtle from Nordstrom’s Anniversary sale to an anal bleaching appointment.

So why don’t you put down the cell phone, and use BOTH hands to wrangle your tricked-out Yukon XL Denali out of a tight parking spot? You forked over a lotta money to have motorized cup holders and tri-zone climate control. Why risk banging up your land yacht?

I’ve never EVER seen a man pull that move

I’m not saying there are no bad male drivers. But I’ve NEVER witnessed a man multitask at the wheel that hard. Women are famous for their extra car-ricular activities.

To be fair, I have seen men shave on their way to work. And I once saw a man in a fur collared overcoat brushing his teeth while negotiating the Belt Parkway. But this was Brooklyn, where proof that evolution can go in reverse lives strong.

I’m guilty of multitasking at the wheel, but only for the essentials. Finding a suitable playlist on Spotify, or downloading porn.

Women also get territorial over desirable parking spots. Men don’t circle over parking spots like vultures hovering over a desert carcass. Parking lots at upscale supermarkets in suburbia are treacherous. Put a gaggle of frenzied housewives in a crowded parking lot at dinner time and it becomes the gladiator amphitheatre at Pompeii.

 

Since I am a woman, it begs the question, does my driving suck? Well, let’s just say I’m an “aggressive” driver. Not in a hostile way. In a “slice through traffic because I have places to go” kind of way.

I always seem to get stuck behind these kind of people:

What a nice and sunny day, Martha, let’s drive super slow and listen to Enya.”

But Harold, this woman behind us seem like she’s obviously in a hurry. Shouldn’t we rather pull over and have some tea instead, so she can pass?

Oh, fuck YOU, Martha. I’m sick of your shit. Fuck your tea in its fucking face.”

 

I’ve gotten into more than my share of accidents. Not because I’m careless as much as distracted. I have gotten into accidents pulling out of my own driveway on three separate occasions. All because I forgot to open the garage door first. Oopsie.

I also have a tendency to side swipe the garage door jamb as I’m backing out and clip the passenger side rear view mirror. I’ve ripped that sucker off a few times. It has been suggested to me that I have some issues with my spatial sense.

Which is why I’m known as being “hard” on cars. I would never drive recklessly, particularly if my kid is in the car. But I’m not a baby about banging up against a curb while parking at a strip mall. I have things to do! Slurpees to buy! It’s just the front bumper of my car. It will survive.

 

I actually love to drive. I got my first car when I was 30,  which is also when I learned to drive. As a teenager, my first car was the bus.

Living in New York, there’s really very little need to own a car. My Ex got me my first car for Christmas when we were dating, so I could drive to his house in New Jersey. I went to driving school in the city, so I drive like a New Yorker. Which means I ignore lanes and cuss like an Armenian taxi driver.

I’m also a virtuoso parallel parker. That’s the only kind of parking that exists in Manhattan. Why do all the suburbanites get their dicks in a blender over parallel parking? How hard is it to:
1. Pull up next to the car in front of the spot.

2. Back up, aiming for the center of the spot.

3. Once your car is actually pointed at the center of the spot, straighten out.

It’s easy peezy, lemon squeezey. Why must Drivers Ed make a Wagnerian epic out of parallel parking, complete with those whore cones in some byzantine configuraion?

 

Perhaps women would get better at driving if they actually DROVE places. The majority of suburban women I know will drive locally, but that’s about it.

If I mention that I’m driving into the city with Little Dude for the day, women will ask me, “Alone?”

“No. I just said, I’m taking my kid.”  “But you’re driving YOURSELF? No MAN is driving you?”

 

What IS that? Is that some kind of learned helplessness? This whole phenomenon where women don’t want to drive long distances? It unnerves them if they have to drive over a bridge OMG and get on major highways.

Does having a labia prevent you from merging onto a highway?

I’ve driven long distances countless times. I can do the drive from New Jersey to Boston, which is where my BFF lives, with my eyes closed. As a matter of fact, I’ve driven it with my eyes closed.

Driving is freedom. I can throw my kid in the car, put on music, and go anywhere. I’ve done road trips as far as from New York to Florida. It’s unthinkable to me to depend on a Y chromosone to get places.

 

The idea that women drivers suck is not just a stereotype; or if it is, well, stereotypes exist for a reason, don’t they? It’s a globe trotting cliche. In South Korea, there are female – only parking spots, which are wider. They’re also outlined in pink and have a miniskirt logo.

 

People speculate constantly as to why men appear to be better drivers than women. One common belief is that men are better at focusing on a single task, while women are the better multi-taskers. although, not actually IN the car. There’s also the theory that men have a better spatial sense, which works for me and that ever widening smear of white garage paint on my front right bumper.

Personally, I think men are better drivers because they tend to enjoy the actual task of driving, whereas women just want to get to wherever they’re going. For men, it’s a journey. For women, it’s a destination.

In other words, it’s the opposite of how both genders feel about sex.

 

Do you think women drivers suck? How good of a driver are you?
Can you parallel park?
Are there any warrants for your arrest for unpaid traffic tickets?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

Advertisements

85 responses to Women Drivers SUCK

  1. 

    This post made me laugh. I just kept shaking my head in agreement at the screen like an idiot 🙂

  2. 

    As a man, I might be slightly biased in my opinion…but being of an age where I’ve learned that sometimes it’s better to just shut the f*ck up, I’ll refrain from actually having one…I can say this: I haven’t stopped laughing!

  3. 

    I’m a man and I still would like a man (or anyone sober with a driver’s license) to drive me places, so i don’t have to be distracted from my phone by having to constantly look up to check the road.

  4. 

    Someone asked me when I write, and I was like, “When I’m driving. Duh.”
    Although it does beg the question of whether both my driving and my writing would be improved if I were to attempt either on its own. Food for thought.
    LTLOLL (Loved this. Laughed out loud. Literally.)

    • 

      I do a lot of writing while I drive, but not the actual act of hitting the keyboard. The ideas swirl and germinate in my brain. Which is why I back out of my garage without opening the door first.
      Wait, you actual write, as you’re driving? You rebel!

  5. 

    I’m the best driver I know!!!
    Because it’s all about confidence, like so much else in this world.
    wink wink nudge nudge

  6. 

    Hahahha..you are hysterical. And yes. I can parallel park

  7. 

    Laughing so hard! I claim I’m a good driver, despite a few wrecks and multiple speeding tickets. But I love driving and have no problem doing it without a man even across many states. I leave my house for the sake of just driving anywhere no less than three times a day. And I have seven kids. So I love driving. Or they drive me crazy. I grew up in Houston where you must drive like a maniac or risk getting run over. We have parking lots, so unless you’re going to a bar downtown, why would you parallel park? I suck at it and would rather walk 20 blocks from the closest parking lot than look like a dumbass attempting parallel parking for an hour.

  8. 

    Nope, I don’t think women drivers suck. I think my father-in-law’s driving sucks. Having said that, I haven’t seen him for a while. Government scientists are holding him for a series of secret experiments into faster than light travel.

  9. 

    Wow! I may as well have written this post (though I could never make it sound so hilarious!). I got my first car when I was 30, and that’s when I learned to drive. I have no side mirror on the left (we have a right-hand drive system) because I got tired of spending on it after the first three or four times. I zip through traffic and get stuck behind Marthas. I kick ass at parallel parking – you see what I’m getting at, right?

  10. 

    Well written and hilarious post. Thank you for giving me a smile to start my day. And as a man, I agree, of course, with every word!

  11. 

    Getting lost. I get lost in the bathtub, although now that I can lean on GPS when necessary I am not nearly as afraid of heavy traffic/highway driving. But I did it anyway, even when I didn’t have GPS. Brilliant punchline.

  12. 

    I find men and women drivers equally bad in my city. The women are worse for disappearing into the glove compartment to look for things like it’s goddamn Narnia and completely missing the fact that they’ve just cost everyone behind them the left turn signal; the men are worse for smoking and talking on their handheld phones while steering with their knees and checking out their comb overs in the rearview mirror. And drivers of luxury SUVs are bad at everything, regardless of sex.

    And then there was the guy I pulled up next to at a red light after I’d had to honk at him several times for weaving into my lane. I shot him a dirty look as we waited for the light to change. He grinned back at me and shrugged. He was eating takeout from a box on his lap…with a knife and fork.

  13. 

    I’ve been driving since I was 15, which was a fair slice ago, and I am an excellent driver. I have parallel parked with less than a foot on each side without hitting the cars on either side. I dislike stereotypes of all kinds, especially the kind that involve me, but I’ve seen some terrible drivers in my day, and yes, quite a few of them happened to be women.

    • 

      Goldy! I just realized you were one of the people whose birthday mixed tape post I read but I don’t think I commented on? There were 3 or 4 people, like you, Rara, DJ – I had trouble figuring out what I wanted to say. All of it seemed too trite for the comment section. That was an emotional day for me, never having celebrated a birthday before.

      I’m sorry about the stereotype, please don’t quit me! But you’re like me – you defy all stereotypes. You’re in a category all your own. And I would also venture a guess that you have a lot of masculine energy, like I do?

      That parallel parking is impressive. Damn.

      • 

        No worries, dear. I figured you’d get to it in your own time. I understand. I would have been speechless, too.

        And no worries on the stereotype thing either. I know you didn’t mean me. 😉

  14. 

    I’d like to apply for the research post to test your hypothesis regarding the relationship between labia and merging on a highway, if its still available. Although sadly I suspect ‘merging’ might only refer to joining the traffic.

  15. 

    Pfsh, I am Asian AND female. Two negatives make a positive. I am an excellent driver. I drive 90% of the time we go anywhere. I used to drive from BFE Montana to Vegas in a single day trip by myself I have driven across the country multiple times and have at least driven through all the lower 48… and I am the girl whose doctor said, mentally, she was basically a dude, so yeah… never mind, you’re right. 😉

  16. 

    When I first started dating my ex, I told him I was going to a bridal shower in Long Island. He asked me “Who’s driving you?” I was baffled by his question. But it should have been a sign of his need to be in control of all things. Driving is freedom, and I love the journey. Apparently, I’m a multitasking man behind the wheel:)

    • 

      You Ex and mine are so much alike. My Ex was also baffled by me driving all over the tri state area. The first week I had that car, I logged 800 miles. Mr. Nosy checked the odometer and said, “Where did you GO?”
      I went to a little place called none of your damn business. After that, I visited Shut The Fuck UP.

  17. 
    Faith, trust, and pixie dust September 17, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    Lol I love how much your writing makes me laugh

  18. 

    I’m an incredibly aggressive driver and I have no time to get behind the lolly gaggers, phone yackers and/or the glam chicks. I’ve got places to go and people to see! If you ride in the car with me be prepared to hear the word “cock-bite” at least 20 times, aaattt leeeaast.. My kids threatened years ago to put a megaphone on top of my car so the people I’m yelling at can actually hear me. Maybe *I* should take the bus..

  19. 

    I am a very good driver; learned to drive just outside Boston. I can parallel park like a mad dog. I live in the Pacific Northwest now, in a rural county, and I laugh when people complain about traffic here. Having to sit through more than one cycle at a red light is heavy traffic around here. And because there is so little parallel parking, most people can’t do it here. One thing I’ve had to adjust to is a different sort of road hazard: deer, and the occasional cow that has busted out of their field.

    Just a few weeks ago, I stopped at the end of a nearby road and turned on my signal to turn right. I looked left, saw a cow in the northbound lane, looked right (to the south), looked left again, the cow was walking north so I was clear, and I turned right.

  20. 

    I think.my comment died. too.tired. many women are turdsplat drivers, guys are too. I love driving. I have this in common with those i travel. If a green light means go, retract that vibe, dildogirl. A red light isn’t the place for that.

  21. 

    I’m going with it’s a toss up – at least for the majority of the southern states of which I have lived in 4, driven in all, across the country twice, from AL (GA & TN yearly trip) to my sisters in PA…
    Not saying I’m a horrible driver, just more male like ish – learned to parallel park at 15, started driving 13ish – again it’s the south we have pastures and shit!
    Don’t understand the male has to drive me, my ex couldn’t drive for shit and scared me and the boy, who tells him to put down his phone or he’ll tell mommy lmao, I have had a few accidents that weren’t my fault per se, and a few good driving awards for getting there so fast – only one with the boy and it was a backward ass town I could hear banjos I took the ticket and got out of there as legally quickly as possible!
    Did I mention I love your blog and get a bit excited when I see you’ve posted?! Maybe that soda earlier I never drink them at night not such a good thing lol
    You are Fabulous!

  22. 

    I LOVE parallel parking! My mama taught me how and she always nailed it. The more confident you feel about it the better it goes. I go right next to the car in front and I totally own the maneuvers. It’s like a little orgasm after parallel parking! 🙂 LOL.

    I agree that woman are scatter brains when driving and the only thing that saves us is that we don’t speed as much as men do. 🙂

  23. 

    If South Korea really wants to be helpful to women, maybe they shouldn’t make the “women only” spots in the parking garage tail in. If I’m going to be backing into a parking space, there is no guarantee that the cars on either side of me will survive. I do appreciate that they put the spots closer to the elevator – it’s just common courtesy, plus it makes for an easy getaway when I dent the neighboring cars. I can’t even leave a note, because I don’t write Korean.

  24. 

    Ha! I was the safety manager for a gas tanker company for years and drove tankers myself before. I used to see all the industry statistics on accidents and male/female drivers. In terms of accidents per mile – there is no difference between males and females. Believe it or not there is one industry statistics that is amazing – when drivers are running in teams, male/female teams consistently have better driving records than either male/male or female/female or single male or single female.

  25. 

    *shudders* anal bleaching *shudders* who does that. Eugh. Bleach should be no where near those sensitive areas!
    Laughed so much reading this 🙂

    • 

      You would not BELIEVE how many people do that! I’m only saying that because I googled it and the YouTube videos only took hours to watch.
      WOULD take hours to watch. If I watched them, which I totally did not.

      • 

        Hahaha wait, seriously there are videos? Does that not somehow violate porn on YouTube? Hmm I guess it is not porn technically, but all the bits are there.
        Dammit now my curiosity is like, ‘do it, you know you want too. Just one video, see how it works’ hahaha.

  26. 

    Hahaha. 🙂

    I parallel park, drive on “big” highways and… eeek! Drive a standard!

  27. 

    I’ve broken up with dudes for insisting they drive. Fuck you, dude, I’ve logged more miles under my lead foot than you will in your whole life.

  28. 

    I love that final analogy!!
    I got 100% on my driving test the day after my 16th birthday. Acing that thing is nearly impossible, so let’s just say I’m a good driver. Plus I love it, it’s so soothing to me–except for in traffic.
    But I also find it really hot when guys drive, so I’m happy to let him take the wheel sometimes 😉

  29. 

    Ahh… the good ‘ol Belt. Den of abysmal potholes and displaced Jersey drivers (no offense – YOU learned in NYC whereas THEY learned in who-the-FUCK-knows!). I learned to drive in my friend’s Lincoln Town Car on 86th Street under the el (L??). Anyway, the B-come-W train either way. Never owned a car until we moved up to Brewster aka “”Canada”” in 2006. I hate driving but I’m pretty sure I don’t 100% suck at it… maybe…

  30. 

    Hah! I am an independent woman who drives her damn self around too but I will admit to enjoying being the passenger so I can daydream and look at all the shiny stuff passing by…ok I nap a lot but still.

    BTW you talk about women stalking parking spaces n such, you should see the women on a military base and some of the superiority complexes being vomited on the ass-phalt.

  31. 

    Our geographical landscape is so different, but your description of women multi tasking while driving their tricked out Yukon Denali is exactly the same! Love to drive, it’s part of my soul. I get antsy if I don’t drive for a day. As I imagined the New York streets while reading this, I was so intimidated of ever having to drive there. I love your words, they take me to place I’ve never seen. Thank you.

    • 

      Rachel, you say the most encouraging things when you comment. Thank you for that.

      New York is an intimidating place to drive, for sure! That’s why as soon as I get into the city, I park my car and we get on a subway! Or take a cab or walk. But no way would I drive around from place to place in NYC. NO WAY. hahahaha

  32. 

    Samara, I’ve never had an accident. Knock on wood! So, I’m an excellent driver. I’m not sure I could drive in New York City. I used to live in Southern California and that’s a zoo! What bugs me the most are rude drivers. People need to chill out.

  33. 

    One of the happiest moments of my life was when I drove *gasp* by myself up the western coast of Florida to the pan handle. When I caught that first glimpse of the gulf just a few feet away from the highway while Elton John’s Madman Across the Water cued impeccably from my shuffled iTunes collection.
    My grandmother has never driven in her life. My mom will not drive on highways. So even though I failed my first driver’s test and drove through a median once, I feel I have evolved driving-wise from my lineage. And damnit I can parallel park too!
    Love this post. You always inspire me to write!

    • 

      Jen, yay!! So good to see you!!

      You’ve definitely gone past your driving-restricted lineage. Good for you! Driving is such freedom, isn’t it? That road trip sounded amazing. Complete with soundtrack.

  34. 

    OMG! ANOTHER FEMALE DRIVER JUST LIKE ME?!? Where have you been my entire road rage aggressive, MoveBitch get the fuck outta my way, I’m gonna push my gas pedal to the floor driving life? My hubs just dropped $500 on our brake system cuz I blew my master cylinder though we just got the brakes done in May. Oooops. Trying to avoid every female on the road, plus the men who think they should drive super slow so we can all hear the concert level system blaring from their trunk whether we want to or not, (especially because the main road my neighborhood is off of is also considered a state highway which connects the gap between two interstate highways, so it’s ALWAYS busy, rush hour or not.) is my main perogative. I love to drive, and will drive anywhere, anytime, but the idiots gotta go!

  35. 

    Those garages are so dangerous! The first time I clipped my mirror it made a funny noise, and my first thought was “huh, I guess I have breakaway mirrors”. No. No I don’t. I also was leaving the garage once the same time as my daughter, I pulled my car out and absent mindedly closed the garage, fortunately she wasn’t backing out yet…..

  36. 

    Being driver by myself I find it funny when people drive an automatic car and call themselfs a driver. Now I am going to hide. Very fast.

  37. 

    Oh my god! I love this! I don’t know who these women are who think they can’t do anything for themselves, but it makes me grind my teeth. I pride myself on being a good driver. I can navigate and find the fastest route and maneuver with the best of them.

    And road trips… sigh. I love road trips. Especially by myself. It’s so liberating and free and one of my favorite things ever. The longest I’ve driven by myself? I drove from the mountains of NC to the coast to see my boyfriend who was in the Marines (about 9 hours.) I didn’t tell anyone I was going and of course this was before cell phones and GPS. It was amazing. And also, when the zombie apocalypse hits, what are these kids going to do without GPS? How many of them can find their way around with a map? How many of them know how to calculate miles by measuring the little squiggly lines on a map?

    My confession is while I’m a great driver, I have had a few instances in the last few years. I hit my neighbor’s mailbox because I wasn’t paying attention. Like knocked it over. Then, about a month later, I hit my husbands car backing out of my garage. All three kids were with me. I screamed “Fuck” about 10 times. Both of these incidences were due to being frazzled and rushed and overwhelmed. So I blame my kids.

  38. 

    Aside from Google trying to render the entire point moot and our rides vulnerable to alleged hackers from China, my mom would’ve been steamed as hell over this post. Probably reading over my shoulder in the 60’s radical feminist afterlife nodding and STILL fuming…or laughing her ass off. You never could be sure what to expect… Me, I enjoy driving and I am damn good at it unless my wife us in the truck (Hey, I’m 6’6″ 330lbs, need the leg room) effing talking at me while I drive. There is nothing more dangerous on the road than a man trying to pay attention to what his wife is saying while negotiating anything but a straight line with no traffic…unless she grabs his d…well, that’s a toss-up. Lol Multitasking on the road is bad. For men, doing ANYTHING in conjunction with either conversation or sex constitutes task overload. In the other hand, a guy driving by themselves (as ling as nit in a Beemer, Mercedes, or Lexus. Just eeewww) is the safest. We fucking HATE multitasking. I SIT on my phone while driving for just that reason. Lmao…now you know how to beat us at driving, just pretend you’re mad at us and say “Honey, we need to talk…” Be ready to take the wheel quickly…

    Dan

  39. 

    Damn, I hate keyboarding on a smartphone! “As long as not driving a Beemer…etc”

When I see the orange light, I have a BLOGASM...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s