And Now, EVERYONE Knows What I Look Like

July 24, 2015 — 117 Comments

mask with color

 

It would have been problematic to walk around BlogHer with my hair artfully swept in front of my face all weekend.

 

According to the lady at the waxing salon, Instagram is the best way to network. Evidently, some chick who pours hot wax on my vag is the final word on networking, because I opened my Instagram account the day before BlogHer.

Annnnd, I posted pictures of myself on it. By the second day, I could no longer resist taking selfies with other bloggers. EVERYONE was doing it, and I was stupid drunk just got into the spirit of things.

 

The first day of BlogHer, I clung anxiously to Quirky Chrissy, who took excellent care of me. She was completely chill about me being up her ass like a suppository. Chrissy is one of the most positive, light-filled people I’ve ever met. Even hungover, her optimism defies logic.

I stopped attending sessions at BlogHer, after sitting through ones that informed me I was violating all “rules” of blogging. My posts are too long, my titles suck, I have no niche, I don’t organize my blog-related files (organize my blog files? I get outwitted by laundry).

I did some networking at the Expo, and found out that although I can’t earn actual money writing for brands, I CAN get paid in dog food. I’m gonna buy a dog so I can finally monetize this blogging thing.

 

The best part of the conference was not the sessions or the Expo. It was the camaraderie. In my soulless suburban neighborhood, women specialize in haughty standoffish-ness.  At BlogHer, the default behavior is “Hey! Let’s hang out!”

 

I was very much ME at the conference. And people still liked me.

– I dress like a middle aged rock star frantically trying to beat back death by shopping at Hot Topics.

– I am clumsy. Chrissy and Joules watched me slam-walk straight into a glass door.

– I’m a hot mess who loses EVERYTHING. I lost my wallet (recovered!), my conference badge (got another) and my sunglasses (prescriptions Ray Bans, sadly gone forever.)

– I can be nutty. The first thing I did after meeting Chrissy was jump up and down on her bed shouting “WHERE ARE THE LESBIANS???”

– I say inappropriate things, like, “Okay, I’m gonna go to my room, watch a little porn on my phone and touch myself.”

– I do inappropriate things, like grinding up against the beautiful Ponies and Martinis while dancing at the closing party. She was totally cool about it, even though I held about as much appeal as a kid grabbing on your clean blouse with greasy French Fry fingers.

– I am an incorrigible flirt. I picked up a man in the elevator.

This one needs an explanation, so I don’t sound like a slutty elevator strumpet. I was waiting for the hotel elevator with Chrissy and Joules, deep in discussion about whether testicles are essential, because, you know, that’s a vital topic to discuss in public.

A hot guy emerged from the hotel gym and joined in our conversation. We all bantered in the elevator, and because his chiseled abs showed through his sweaty shirt he seemed interesting, I asked him,  “Are you single?” He was, and asked for my number.

He then exited the elevator on the wrong floor 3 times, claiming that I “made him nervous.” It think it was more that I was wearing this:

 

me at blgo her

 

 

 

Apparently, when I drink I feel the need to make out with bloggers like Aussa Lorens.

kiss aussa

 

And Minions.

IMG_3097

 

I’m practically blind without my glasses (which I wasn’t wearing, because that would make too much sense). So I introduced myself to bloggers with my “Helen Keller at the dinner table” impersonation, in which I would grab the badge from around their necks and yank it up to see who they were.

This was how Dawn and I discovered simultaneously who the other was, and SCREAMED at the top of our lungs in the hotel lobby like two hyenas escaped from the Central Park zoo.

Gunmetal Geisha is an enchanting, ultra feminine waif. She captured the whole experience on video but I swear that’s not why I’m saying all these nice things bout her.

I’ve “known” Emily as long as I’ve been blogging, but our friendship was firmly cemented when she proclaimed at the closing party, “If you can’t appreciate the glory of David Bowie you have no soul.”

Usually when I meet someone and I feel like I know them, it’s because they were in jail with me. Lucy, however, I think was my sister in another life. She took off this necklace and gifted it to me:

 

IMG_3103

 

Molly (A Mother Life) is a funky redhead with a killer Aussie accent, Sarah (est. 1975) is even FUNNIER in person than on her blog, Jen Kehl, techie goddess extraordinaire, of COURSE had an extra phone charger thingey when my phone died.

 

The closing night party was on Pier 84 in Manhattan. The food was by McDonald’s, but cheeseburgers become ambrosia when a wait staff of all gorgeous male models serves them to you on trays.

As the sun set over the Hudson River, we drank free booze and danced our faces off to old school R&B. In between dancing, l lounged on the grass with the coolest group of chicks ever.

I started the weekend a nervous introverted wreck. I ended it laying on a blanket on the grass, laughing, talking, cuddling with my head in Lucy’s lap, purring contentedly while watching the stars in the night sky.

 

Writing is how I breathe. However, it can be a very lonely endeavor. I began blogging because I craved interaction. For me, that was my main takeaway from the conference. I connected.

Online friendships are missing a crucial physical component, that of touch. At BlogHer, I was able to hug/kiss/grab/grind/snuggle/hold all the people I’ve “known” online.

The beautiful people who have lived in my heart for a year and a half, became real.

 

Have you been to a blog conference?  Have you met people you know from the Internet in real life?
What was I thinking with that outfit with my bra showing??   Talk to me. I’m listening.

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117 responses to And Now, EVERYONE Knows What I Look Like

  1. 

    I signed up but couldn’t make it there. Now I am really regretting that I missed it! Your post is hilarious. Glad you had a great time.

  2. 

    This is the best recap I’ve read. And not just because you compliment me so exquisitely. You’re so real and beautiful and bright. I just adore you. And inquiring minds want to know…did elevator guy ever call or write?

    • 

      He emailed, and he’s not geographically desirable. But, we’ll see what happens!
      AND WHY IS THE POST IMAGE THAT SHOWS UP IN THE READER ME IN MY BRA? I need Jen Kehl, stat!

      I could have gone on and on about you, but this story was getting too long.
      I love you. xoxoxo

  3. 

    You are gorgeous! Was so happy to read the introvert was semi banished & you were the rockstar I envision in my head. Have to sulk now for missing out on this experience. Please please please never change the way you write. This is my favorite blog of ALL TIME!

    • 

      I don’t know about gorgeous – I’m VERY careful to use good pictures, but thank you!

      Your favorite blog of all time? Wow! You’re so sweet, Rachel. I admire your writing so very much.
      Maybe, we can both go to BlogU next year? I’d love to meet you. If you don’t mind me being clumsy and acting dumb. xoxo

  4. 

    Love the pic of you and Aussa – Ha! I see that you haven’t dyed your armpit hair yet, so you’re not quite cutting edge. You’re gonna hafta step it up a bit Samara.

    Sounds like a lot of fun. We’re there any male bloggers there ? (obviously you found some male non-bloggers who had elevator problems – Ha! – to seduce).

  5. 

    So good to see you here, Samara.

  6. 

    It was cool seeing your pics for the first time. Gunmetal Geisha put some up on twitter. I’ve only met one other blogger in person – for coffee, when I went home to Seattle for the weekend and announced it to the world forgetting that it is hard for me to meet new people and someone might actually want to say hello. But it was fun.

    • 

      I’m really sorry I just responded to this now, Srrejit! Ot was in my dashboard, waiting to be approved.
      Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting and welcome!!

      It IS hard to meet new people, for some of us. I’m glad you enjoyed meeting your Seattle blogger friend.
      Seattle is a great place for coffee, isn’t it?

      • 

        Yeah, Seattle just has a coffee vibe. One of my earliest memories is walking downtown with my dad and him telling me that Seattle is known for being a coffee town… Of course that was before Starbucks took over the world. -no need to be sorry by the way. My comment ques have also been doing a lot of funny things lately. Somehow if I read a comment in my mail on my phone, then it won’t show up when I open my computer unless I go and seek it out in the comment dashboard… weird.

      • 

        WordPress and their comment gremlins

  7. 

    Love this. Love you. Wish I was there holding your other hand. Next year. I keep saying that.

    • 

      I know I’m either going to BlogU or BlogHer next year, that’s for sure.

      BUT PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THE PICTURE OF ME IN MY BRA IS SHOWING UP IN THE WORDPRESS READER????

      Holy fuck. I sure know how to throw a Coming Out party.
      Love you too. xoxoxo

  8. 

    It was great meeting you Samara, and I’m so glad your first BlogHer experience was such a wonderful one. Mine first was too. This was my fourth and last. You’re right; writing is a very lonely endeavor.

    • 

      And now, I am immediately filled with guilt for editing out the paragraph where I mention you. This post was too long, and I edited out a bunch, including the paragraph where I mention you, and Sarah and Stephanie and a whole bunch of others.
      Ugh.
      I think I may go back and put it in.

      Anyway,
      Why is this your last BlogHer? Was it something I said?
      Writing is so lonely. But we live near each other. I shall stalk you in real life.

  9. 

    It looks like you had a great time and I love the pictures. You look fantastic! ( I hope I don’t sound like a perv. I’m not a perv. . . I’m not. . . . Not a perv. . .just being nice). Well, that went well, very smooth. I’ll be on my way now.

    • 

      Hahaha! When I opened the WordPress Reader, I was treated to the post image for this story being me in my bra, which I have now mentioned 3 times! What the hell??? That is NOT the post image! I look like a complete exhibitionist!!

      Thanks for reading, John. Now that I finally wrote this, I can come visit your blog. xo

      • 

        Thanks Samara. And hopefully you won’t get any hassle like you did the last time you visited.

      • 

        Hassle? Nah, that was fun! Wasn’t it? No one got hurt. We just had a little fun with one of your readers. xoxoxo

      • 

        It was fun but Jesus that dude was sensitive. I’ve seen him do this to other people and he gets really heated. Later sent me an apology which I accepted. But I don’t like rudeness and I especially don’t like someone being rude to someone in my blog space who I would consider a friend.

      • 

        Awww. That’s very protective of you and I’m putting right now, just like I was when I was snuggling with Lucy.

        One of my favorite things about blogging is playing in the comment section, and it does baffle me when people aren’t having fun.

        Yep, people get weird, and yep, he was rude, but honestly it didn’t bother me at all. Thank you for being concerned. And for thinking of me as s friend.

  10. 

    It’s great to hear the excitement in your voice about the entire experience, Samara. It’s also great to finally put a face with that unmistakable wave of hair — you don’t disappoint. I tried to make it but they stopped me at the doors, at least until I put on the Minion costume…

  11. 

    I knew you’d not only survive BlogHer, but will have fun, too. But I didn’t imagine that you’d get so comfortable that you’d start posting selfies. 🙂
    I’ve always wanted to meet some of the fellow bloggers in person, as you know. I might have gone to a blogging conference, but now I have to consider the fact that I might end up in somebody’s selfies online, which isn’t a part of my plan.

    • 

      Right? Who knew? I surprised myself!

      Also, you wouldn’t end up in anyone’s selfies. No one is that intrusive. I was fully aware of the ones I was in. So come to a blogging conference! We would have so much fun!!

      • 

        If there’s a blogging conference in my area, I might. I might have gone to NYC conference if it wasn’t billed as a “…her” conference.

      • 

        But think of how much attention you’d get! All these drunken female bloggers, fawning over you…
        I would definitely fawn over you.

      • 

        I’d definitely be flattered, but since I’m married, that’s as far as it could go for me 🙂

      • 

        Darlin’, everyone at these conferences is married. Doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy attention!

        You could also bring your wife, which I noticed a lot of the guys do.

  12. 

    I am so sad that I didn’t try harder to stalk someone until they relented and let me “babysit” their hotel room. That way I could’ve at least come downtown for the weekend to hang after the conference stuff. Sounds like a shitload of fun which also does not exist in soulless Putnam County.

    • 

      It would’ve been fun if you came! Come next time.

      • 

        I will sharpen my stalker skills for the next time anyone insinuates they’ll be in NYC. I am just an hr-long Metro North train ride away from GCT. As for BlogHer events in other cities, we’ll have to feel it out. Wouldn’t want a rep as the “creepy mooch”. 😉

      • 

        No worries! I have a rep as the “clumsy forgetful hot mess elevator hooker.” You’re good.

  13. 

    #1 you totally look awesome in your bra-showin’ outfit. #2 i need you as my wingman. funny read! sounds like a fun event!

    • 

      Wait, I need YOU as MY wingman! I’m too awkward to be a wingman, unless saying to a man, “YOU’RE CUTE CAN I DATE YOU PLEASE” is the kind of smooth action you’re looking for in a wingman. xoxo

  14. 

    In all fairness, who hasn’t wanted to make out with a minion? So squishable. So adorable. So yellow.

    • 

      EXACTLY! Who can resist?

      I LOVE MINIONS AND I’M NOT ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT!

      Re-entry into the real world has taken me a whole week. Whew. That’s why this post took so long to appear. xo

  15. 

    A raging tsunami of estrogen. I thought I felt a paradigm shift on the island last week. Blog meet-ups are the best. I’ve had several over the years and they always turned out well. It can’t miss when you’ve got NYC at your disposal to help with the entertainment.

    Photo reveal = end of a mystery. I think I’ll miss the intrigue.

    • 

      Ahh, New York. How I love her.

      Drinks on the rooftop bar of the Viceroy was a major highlight! There was too much to write to include it in my story, but there are pictures on my Instagram.

      It’s overpriced, and probably touristy, but who cares?? I had an amazing summery cocktail named “The Walking Dead,” listened to great music, with a perfect view of the NY skyline. With great company. Have you ever been?

      Don’t worry about the intrigue. It will still be there. I’m nothing if not intriguing. But the photo thing – so ironic, considering what you wrote about me, huh?

  16. 

    Crikey, you’re hot! What a non-surprise. “Not geographically desirable”–haha, now I know what my problem is. Sounds like fun was had!

    • 

      “Crikey”? Isn’t that a British slang thingey?

      We did have fun. As for being GU – where do you live? I’m curious now.

      • 

        Yeah, British or Australian or whatever. I always thought of it as “Fucking-A” or something, but the ‘net says it’s an expression of surprise. Steve Irwin used it a lot, as, in “Crikey, that manta ray looks pissed off.”
        I’m from eastern South Dakota, by the way, not to EVER be confused with North Dakota. It’s pretty bland and boring around here (Mt. Rushmore and the Black Hills are about 5 hours away, at the other end of the state). Basic mid-America farm country. I maintain that the only women anywhere near my age who haven’t moved away to more interesting places are crazy, taken, or boring. A little bit crazy should work for me, but “taken” is bad, and boring is just unforgivable.

  17. 

    I was just introduced to your blog by a friend, and I for one am convinced the outfit was the correct move … this was an exceptional read.

  18. 

    I have the most fabulous series of pics of you (via Aussa’s phone) flirting with one of the McModels!

  19. 

    Aww, the big reveal You’re beautiful, but I already knew that! It sounds like you had a blast. What fun!

    • 

      Thank you for saying that!

      It was a blast. Have you ever been to a blog conference? Last year’s BlogHer was in San Jose, which is not exactly near you, but closer than it is to me.

  20. 

    So awesome to finally see you! And your detective skills were spectacular considering I was covering up the green tshirt!
    So much fun! Blog meet ups are cool!

  21. 

    You’re wonderful, Precious, and I’m glad you had such a good time. I’m very glad Chrissy looked after you so well.

  22. 

    Do you remember putting your head in my lap at the closing party? Sorry about any sweaty vag smell you might have whiffed.

    • 

      hahahahaha I just laughed so loud, I scared that freaking horsefly!

      I DO remember that! I was such a lap-whore that night, huh? And for the record, there was NO sweaty vag smell. If there was, I would have loved it.

  23. 
    Faith, trust, and pixie dust July 24, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    I already knew you were hot thing two. Now I just get to know more so 😉 miss you

  24. 

    I now feel the need to find out and go to this BlogHer event!
    Writing is lonely and I am so sure I break too many rules but if I don’t write I think I will die.
    I love jumping on beds, talking to random fun folks and kissing my friends!
    Thank you I am learning so much in the blogging world.
    I just had a “oh my it’s like I am a virgin and that cherry popped longgggg ago” so now I am laughing my ass off so thank you again!

    • 

      BlogHer has their big conference once a year, in July. But there are many more smaller blog conferences, sponsored by other companies.

      It’s funny that you’re learning from me, because I kind of know nothing! But I’m so glad I can help you. Thanks for reading. xoxoxoxo

      • 

        You help in more ways than you can know! We all learn, sometimes in different “abnormal” ways and there is nothing normal, I don’t know how that word applies, to me!
        So thank you!

  25. 

    SO JEALOUS!
    I break all the rules, too. The few times I tried to get sponsored posts, the only feedback I ever got was that they wanted blogs with APPROPRIATE language. My blog description included cussing, daydrinking…..you get the idea. I go hated trying to keep up with regulations. And if it doesn’t come with a paycheck fuck that shit. Even if I tried, I could never be ‘appropriate’ enough to get enough money to justify not being myself. So to me, not worth it. I’d rather know what my pay and work hours are and clock out and be able to forget work persona. Just me though. I would love to talk to so many great bloggers though. That would be worth the price of admission. If I had that to spend.

    • 

      Ugh. Appropriate. I hate that word! My own kid lectures me on not being appropriate. He can suck my dick!

      Ewww. That was SO weird, but you get the idea.

      Yes the main result of the conference was that I got to meet lots of cool people. My other objective, to learn to “monetize” my blog – not so much.

      Oh well. Keep being fabulous, and inappropriate, and weird. xoxoxoxo

  26. 

    Clearly I came late to this party! I think you are pretty fucking gorgeous. A hot mess indeed! I love that you are clumsy and goofy, very similar to me it seems. Oh and what Rachel said- most favouritist blog ever!

    • 

      Darla, you are so sweet! Thank you!

      I am extremely clumsy and VERY goofy. Let’s both go to a blog conference! We can be clumsy together!! xoxo

  27. 

    This is one of the best/funniest posts I’ve ever come across. Seems many people are soooo serious. You are seriously not. Plus, your body’s OK. And your face. But that wit…a heartbreaker going somewhere to seriously mess things up. I ended up going to BAli instead of BlogHer.

  28. 

    I would love to go to a blog conference, they sound like such fun! Glad you had a good time. By the way, reading some of your comments, I think, I could be wrong, but I think (because I had a similar thing before, not involving bras, but involving cake), that the photo which shows up in the reader is the one that you upload first when you’re composing the post, so if you uploaded the bra one first, even if you didn’t end up with it at the top of the post, it’s the one that shows up in the reader. Of course, if you didn’t upload that one first then that blows my theory right out of the water!

    • 

      I uploaded all the photos in the order in which they appear in the post- I actually started with the post image, and then put in the one with Aussa, the Minion, etc

      It was absolutely MORTIFYING to see that picture in the reader! That’s a first for me, and I’ve been doing this 18 months.

      I do know that if you put a video in your post, it automatically shows up in the Reader as your post image. That doesn’t help here, of course!

      Thanks for reading! xo

      • 

        Oh well that’s odd. After my experience of a different one than the top one appearing in the reader, I started sometimes setting the image I wanted as featured image in the post in order to be sure that it would be the one that shows in the reader, which it does, but then recently when I did that, it also changed my header image on my actual blog to that when you were on the post page, so I stopped doing that! Yeah, the video thing is annoying because sometimes you want the picture to be in the reader and the video to be further down when you want to refer to it in the post. Ah well! x

      • 

        I need a tech assistant to figure this stuff out. I’m a writer! Who has time to untangle these glitches?

      • 

        Well exactly! By the way, I wouldn’t worry about the fact that picture showed up in the reader, I’m sure no one would have thought anything negative about that, I certainly didn’t, in fact I wasn’t sure if it was you or not, so it wasn’t until I read the post that I saw it was, and by that time I’d seen it wasn’t the first picture on your post. I think we can over-worry about these things when it’s us, but there’s really no need!

      • 

        Meanwhile I’m writing a post about how mortified I was.
        It seems very self centered and exhibitionist-ish of me. I’D certainly judge me, if I wasn’t me.
        Actually, I AM me and I’m judging me. Hahaha

      • 

        I would feel the same as you if it was me, but we’re always our own harshest judges!

  29. 

    I was just thinking about you and wondering how life is going without your little guy. I haven’t been on wp or twitter lately so I don’t know what’s going on out there! I am so glad to hear that you had a wonderful experience with all the blogging buddies. AND that you revealed your beautiful face and bod. HOT! HOT! xo

    • 

      I’m off Facebook which is the main way I connected to a lot of people, so I ALSO don’t know what’s going on “out there.”

      I miss Little Dude like crazy. I don’t know what else to say about that. 😞

      Are you okay, and just taking a blogging break?

      • 

        I’m trying to be more present with friends and family as well as with the outdoors. I LOVE summer and want to savor every second of it. When’s the move?

  30. 

    That’s EXACTLY why I have stayed off Facebook! There’s a whole world out there and it’s beautiful!

    The move is as of yet unscheduled. Ugh.

  31. 

    I knew you’d be gorgeous. Damn you.
    And you’re nice, too!! This makes all the difference, otherwise you’d piss me off.
    You met Aussa? Another goofball!

    xx kisssss and envy from MN.

    • 

      Oh, you’re too kind, Kim!!

      I did meet and hang out with Aussa, and she IS a lot of fun. As are so many others.
      Maybe, we’ll get to spend time together some day? How cool would THAT be!!
      xoxo

  32. 

    Well you look great (though I already knew you would). Glad you had a great time.

  33. 

    Lovely! See, I knew it! 🙂

  34. 

    It was so nice to hang out with you at BlogHer and I’m sorry I didn’t jump in front of you quick enough to keep you from bouncing off the door glass! 😉 Also, I take full responsibility for the ball conversation because they really are just penis decoration and the world needs to know that and accept it.

  35. 

    Actually, it sounds like you had a great time, Samara. 🙂 I’ve never been to a blogging conference, and to be honest, even if I had the opportunity to go, I don’t know if I’d deserve to because my blogging has been for shit the past couple of years. (Too few hours for personal writing after working like a crazy person, and way too much of that burned up on Farcebook.) Maybe if we can get Bernie Sanders elected I could ditch out on Farcebook politics and blog about some of the things that are more fun again, or even write some decent poetry again. Halleluja, the world might be saved…yeah, riiight. Maybe once I get this small biz of mine truly off the ground, I can get back into serious writing. I miss it. At the moment, however, I’m enjoying living vicariously through you.

    Dan

  36. 

    You are exactly how I imagined, Samara. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 🙂

  37. 

    So dear Samara, my screaming in the lobby buddy… if you’re following your comments, you will see that I’m working my way back through all the brilliant stuff I haven’t had time to read… because I left BlogHer and fell down a different-city-a-day-until-I’m-in-Tel Aviv-becoming-a-grammy-hole! BUT, meeting you was one of the biggest highlights of BlogHer… loved screaming; loved the hugs; loved dancing; and loved hanging out… wish I’d had more time! xoxo

  38. 

    I am a NJ mom who just started blogging recently in an attempt to have a life of some sort outside of caring for my kids, and maybe make a mom friend or two. I’ve been very lazy and haven’t written too much lately, but I’ll get my act together eventually. I just discovered your blog tonight and I’m loving it! Can’t wait to read more and maybe, if my social awkwardness doesn’t weird you out, make a mommy blogger friend in the process.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. No, I Did NOT Intend To Show Up In the WP Reader in my BRA « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - July 27, 2015

    […] know, I KNOW! I should have been learning this stuff at BlogHer, but I was too busy flirting with bloggers, Minions, random guys in the elevator, and McHunks serving us the food at the closing party. I have no memory of that last one, but […]

  2. 50 Happy Things: Bloggers Unite in Flood of Gratitude « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - December 21, 2015

    […] met Dawn when I went to BlogHer. It was a magical meeting – we recognized one another in the lobby of the Hilton and […]

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