Greetings From the Pain Abyss

June 6, 2015 — 87 Comments

 

pain abyss - Copy

*Warning: Written while on pain meds

I rarely get sick. When I do, it’s always to such an extreme.

I don’t get colds. I have nervous breakdowns.

 

I haven’t needed dental work since I was pregnant with Little Dude. He was sucking all the calcium out of my body, along with essential macronutrients and my life force and sanity. I loathed being pregnant.

My tooth started hurting a while ago (a week? a month? Thank you, Vicodin for eroding my sense of time) and I ignored it. That’s my medical strategy. Denial.

But it got worse. Every time I chewed food on the right side I felt like I was being electrocuted through my gums. I was forced to see a dentist.

God, I hate dentists. What a shitty job that must be. Everyone dreads you.

Despite how far we’ve come in medicine, dentistry is fucking medieval. The only advancement we’ve really had is sanitation. Essentially, you still have some guy standing over you with a pair of pliers in your mouth and a foot on your stomach, pulling at your teeth. Barbaric.

 

The dentist said my wisdom tooth was impacted and pushing through my gums. AND that I needed a root canal in the tooth next to it.

Double Pain Whammy. The next thing I knew he sent in Dr. Josef Mengele, the ‘Angel of Death’ endodontist, to reenact the torture scene in “Marathon Man.

He drilled into my face, which is always awesome. That unmistakable high pitched whir, the smell of decay, bits of teeth flying everywhere like exploded shrapnel. It felt like a tiny grenade had exploded in my face.

And then he had to stop because the wisdom tooth was in the way.

The dentist office tried to get the extraction approved quickly but my insurance company was being a dick. The bottom line is always the bottom line. It doesn’t matter that there’s an infant alien with claws scratching its way out of my jaw and ripping it to pieces.

The dentist gave me antibiotic and pain meds. I’m on 10 mg Vicodin which he leaned down to tell me was “the good stuff.”

Hate to tell you Doc, but the good stuff would be an eight ball of cocaine and a bottle of Jack.

Did everyone have as druggie of a past as I did, or am I just more honest about it because I’m anonymous? I was a cocaine cowgirl during the years I bartended (and had other nighttime jobs) in New York. Last call is at 4 am. After work, I’d go to after hours clubs, the ones that operated from 4 am to noon. I would stay out until 8 in the morning, then go home to take a bath and sleep all day.

I was a vampire before it was fashionable.  A vampire with a trickle of white powdered snot running down an upper lip too numb to feel it. How attractive.

 

The stupid insurance finally approved the extraction and I’m scheduled for Monday.  I am in for a world of pain. As it is, every time the air passes over those two teeth I feel like I got punched in the face.

 

We interrupt this blog post to show you a REALLY COOL nail polish color. I actually love seeing this color dance across my keyboard…

 

FullSizeRender

 

Did I just say ‘dance across the keyboard’? Jesus these drugs are pretty good after all.

 

My kid went to his first boy/girl dance last night – the fifth grade social. Most of the boys didn’t ask any girls because the girls just wanted to go with their friends. Just as well. Little Dude will be wading thorough that sewer soon enough.

This one kid in his class is a real oddball. He picks his nose and eats it, so he’s shunned- although I’m happy to report that Little Dude is always nice to him. The Nose Picker decided to ask THE most popular girl in the fifth grade to the dance – a girl who, my own son has told me, is a super bitch to all the other kids as befitting her status as Most Popular (He didn’t use the word bitch but you get the idea).

He asked her KNOWING she would turn him down, and when she did, he recited an original poem referencing Batman.

My kid thought it was bizarre, but I think it’s SO cool. The Nose Picker has balls of steel. Maybe he’s getting certain booger nutrients that enables him to break free of social constraints.

Sometimes, you have to risk rejection. And then recite an original poem featuring Batman.

 

When I went to pick him up I didn’t plan to get out of the car. I had on Victoria Secret boxer shorts and no shoes. The school is just down the street.

Of COURSE when I got there all the doting moms were parked and going inside to retrieve their kid. Is it bad or good that no one said a word to me about my bare feet and boxers?

 

Now I have to cancel my date tonight, because the last thing I want is something in my mouth.

Get your minds out of the gutter. By ‘something,’ I mean penis.

 

I’m worried that after I have both the wisdom tooth out and the root canal after that I will be DYING IN PAIN and unable to write anything for a really long time and you’ll all just forget about me.

Don’t forget about me. Wow, opiates make me needy.

I’m just here, floating on a cloud of Vicodin, trying to figure out which draft I should work on.

I’m going to list a few of them here. I’d love it if you told me in the comments which one you think I should write?

1. How to Shoplift

2. In Which I Admit to Being a Grateful Dead Fan

4. Things I Found in My House

5. Patty Hearst and the Symbionese Liberation Army

6. The Grinch Who Stole Mother’s Day

7. That Time I was In a Cult

8. Greetings From the Pain Abyss     Oopsie! Not that one! That’s this post.

 

I don’t even know if anyone will read this. I don’t usually publish on the weekends. I guess I’m about to find out, right?

And now I must go eat something. That’s one of the benefits of being a grown up. I can eat melted ice cream for lunch and NO ONE CAN STOP ME.

signature

 

 

Is there anything more painful than a toothache? I’m really a baby, aren’t I?
Should I go back and proofread this post?
Talk to me. I’m listening.

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87 responses to Greetings From the Pain Abyss

  1. 

    I was going to stop reading this when you first mentioned dentists, but I couldn’t. Once I start reading your stuff, I can’t stop.

    I’m not sure the nose picker has balls of steel. I think he might not know any better about reciting poems that mention Batman. I don’t quite speak from personal experience. I wasn’t a nose picker (I promise), but I was the type to mention Batman to the wrong people without knowing any better. I eventually learned.

    I hope your pain goes away quickly, leaving you lots of spare medication for a long time.

    • 

      Jimmy! Long time, no see!

      Spare medication is right up my alley. Pain meds are SO not fun when you’re really in pain.

      Whoever the “wrong” people are to mention Batman to, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THEM ANYWAY.

      Wait, *whining* which draft should I work onnnnn?

  2. 
    barbaramullenix June 6, 2015 at 12:07 pm

    Hell NO! You’re not being a baby! I had all 4 wisdom teeth removed at once (they used “twilight” drugs). I couldn’t eat for about 10 days. Instant diet.

    I’d say go for the Grateful Dead column – it’s in keeping with the great drug theme.

    • 

      TEN DAYS?

      I want the goddamn Michael Jackson drug, give me the Michael Jackson drug! I have too much going on in there to be conscious!

  3. 

    I hope you feel better soon. I had all four pulled at once and the next day I had to go recite a speech in front of my public speaking class.. Talk about adding to the fear of public speaking! 🙂

    I’d like to hear more about the Grinch that Stole Mother’s Day!

    • 

      Wait, so you were able to actually recite a speech the next day?
      I had 2 of them taken out years ago, and I was messed up for DAYS.

      One vote for Mother’s Day! Cool. I really hate Mother’s Day.

      • 

        Yup I actually recited the speech. I had to. It was my final. 🙂

        I really hate Mother’s Day also!

      • 

        You do? I thought I was in the minority with that.
        It’s not necessarily a bad day. It’s just that my kid wants it to be this Big Thing and I just want to sleep and write. And he wants to drag me to restaurants and stuff. Ugh. Not my thing.

      • 

        Ahh see I’m kinda the total opposite. I want my kids to recognize me. Unfortunately they don’t and I get hurt. But this year I changed that. I planned my own day :). My mother also ruined the day for me. Haven’t spoken to her in six years. :/

      • 

        Okay, so the one thing I DO want – is a really really nice gift. But I’m divorced, and my kid doesn’t have money to buy me something really nice. And I’m not so much of a “it’s the thought that counts” kind of person. I like nice stuff.

        And I do want my kid to recognize me, but not in a “drag me out to wait for hours in a crowded restaurant” kind of way.

        I’m sorry about your mom. Have you written about it?

      • 

        Yes I really nice gift or gesture. My kids can’t afford it either and my ex is useless.
        Yes I’ve written about it.

      • 

        will you drop me a link here, please?

  4. 

    Get your mind out of the gutter. I meant a penis.

    HAHAHAHAHAHA…that made me laugh out loud. Holy shit, that was funny. Sorry about your pain though..mouth pain sucks balls.

    • 

      It’s such high praise when you think I’m funny, because you are probably the funniest person I know!

      Can I come to your house and you can feed me soup and we can awkwardly hug?

      • 

        Yeah, we could do that. I’ll turn red or purple though. I blush every time someone touches me. I LOVE that about myself. by love, I mean I don’t.

  5. 

    When I had my 4 wisdom teeth out 5 years ago, I took videos of myself singing Bohemian Rhapsody and telling my mother she had ugly shoes. It felt really good.

    (If you want to laugh at me more, I think those videos are still on my Facebook somewhere.)

    • 

      Ooh, Bohemian Rhapsody? And you were on pain meds, I assume? If I see those videos, it won’t be to laugh at you. It will be because they are AWESOME.
      And thank you for the clip you sent me from dub smash something? I love those!
      Wait, which topic do you want me to write about???

  6. 

    i am so sorry for your misery, but that was a great post!!

  7. 

    I hope you feel better. There’s nothing more miserable than mouth pain.

  8. 

    I really want to read #4, #5 and #7. Sorry for the pain, however this was a highly entertaining read. Thank you, good stuff. Nah, your writing is always good with or without the medication.

    • 

      FML I actually skipped number 3 entirely. Don’t do drugs, kids!

      you’re the only one so far who’s expressed interest in the whole Patty Hearst/Symbionese Liberation army thing. It’s a story I’m obsessed with! Are you familiar with it?

      • 

        Not entirely, I looked into it after your education piece. I had never heard about it till you mentioned it. Thus, spurring my interest in wanting to know more, especially reading your point of view. PLEASE WRITE IT, I’m thirsting for more information/knowledge about it. The wikipedia page lacked considerably.

  9. 

    Poor Samara!! Oh, no! I hate the dentist, too. I have to cancel my next appointment. Really, I do. Secretly, I’m cheering about it. I almost married a dentist. I can’t imagine!! I got wisdom teeth out in my twenties, one side at a time. Pretty miserable. Write anything! I’ll read anything you write. Hang in there. xo

    • 

      You do know that all dentists are degenerates, don’t you? I’m so glad you didn’t marry one!

      I would LOVE to cancel Monday, but I’m in too much pain! So I have to go in and be in MORE pain.

      I just don’t have these issues too often. I’m the world’s worst patient, and the biggest baby! xoxoxo

  10. 

    Ohhoho! I know what you mean! Last summer – two root canals and a crown. Just looking at that side of my face was a new adventure in pain. But I completely admire you for writing this post (and being totally comphrehensible and funny) while on painkillers. I had major surgery last fall and all the pills did was put me to sleep. How can you type???

    I’ve love to hear about the stuff you found in your house! 🙂

    • 

      I have an unusually high tolerance for opiates, due to my sordid past.

      A half a glass of wine gets me drunk. I fall asleep from taking Tylenol. Opiates, I can tolerate.

      I’m emptying out my house after years of living here, and OH BOY am I finding some stuff.

  11. 

    Seeing as you’re in a pill-popping mood, now would be a good time for me to take you to a rave.

  12. 

    Hilarious! I personally want to know about what you have found in your house and your cult time.
    Partially stoned and still one of the best writers I have ever read. Little Dude is an old soul for sure. But the pick and eater, was awfully damn brave in my opinion.

    • 

      Okay, the Nose Picker is a freakin rock star as far as I’m concerned! That story will be legendary.
      I actually spent some more time cleaning out my house – because we have to move. Holy crap, the stuff I am finding is a little scary.
      Thanks for reading, lovey. xoxoxo

  13. 

    I spent over four hours in the dentist chair getting my wisdom teeth out. They old, twisted, impacted things. I keep them in a clear plastic container on my desk. The only thing that comes close to tooth pain is kidney stones. Those little fuckers can be brutal.

    • 

      I actually was reading last night to see if anything compares to tooth pain, and many people did cite kidney stones as being in the same pain arena. I hope to never experience those. I do not deal with pain well.

      Hey, any opinion as to which topic I should write on? I have so many unfinished drafts in my dashboard it’s ridiculous.

  14. 

    I read it.

    It was awesome just like every other post. Cool nail polish.

    “Get your minds out of the gutter. By ‘something,’ I mean penis.”

    So much laughing.

    I’m totally into cults and shoplifting, so please write about those some day.

    Good luck with those teeth. xo

    • 

      Maybe I should start a SHOPLIFTING CULT!

      I might be dying. Ouchie. But I have good nail polish, right?

      Monday I will be stuck in Dr. Mengele’s chair while he digs at my mouth for hours. I can actually choose to be put out under general anesthesia but I want THE MICHAEL JACKSON DRUG so I can wake up refreshed, like I’ve been to a spa.
      Or dead.

      Thanks for reading. xoxoxo

  15. 

    I will only do dental with pain killers.lol

  16. 

    Get well soon. I’ve never had a tooth/mouth problem but My wife and teenager have and they complained, hard.

    • 

      Ugh! It’s horrible!

      Were your ears ringing? I was just talking about you to my blog buddy, Briton, who writes “Punk Rock Papa.” I told him that you two would get along, and that he would like your blog.
      He will probably look for you on The Book of Face. xoxo

  17. 

    How bout part 4 to being a phone girl in a whorehouse?? I was SOO looking forward to that one! Did I just miss it somehow? I swear I scoured your every blog post searching for it!!! ❤️

    • 

      There was no Part 4.
      *sad pause*
      I didn’t want to think about it.

      I eventually wrote about what happened with me and Debby in a different post, “This is the Last Time I Get High.”
      Thank you so much for saying you scoured my blog looking for something. You have no idea how encouraging that is, and how much that means to me. xoxo

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  19. 

    Tooth pain, dentists and Vicodin, none of my favorite things. Vicodin and I don’t get along, so I always ask for Tylenol-3 and they always look at me crazy and say, “Sure!”
    I don’t get colds, either. I get expensive, dangerous, weird shit.
    Love the polish — funky! You have an interesting nail shape!
    I vote for the cult thing, but only a little over the things you found in your house.

    • 

      Percocet is the one that makes me sick to my stomach. No thank you!

      I have very small nail beds. Is that what you mean? My fingernails are like the same size as someone’s toe nails.

      And I have very long, skinny fingers. It’s an interesting combo.

      I’m getting so many votes for the cult! I shall have to write that one! xoxooxox

  20. 

    I want to read the Patty Hearst one though *sulks*

    Sorry you’re in so much pain and had to cancel your date. I hope that once you get the teeth sorted, there will be LESS pain because the painful bits will be more GONE!

    You have lovely long fingers. Piano-player fingers.

    • 

      Yes, you’re exactly right about the piano player fingers. I’ve been told that by music teachers countless times. How I wish I had stuck with it….

      Do you know anything about the Patty Hearst story?
      Sorry it’s taking me painfully long to bang out these comments. hahahaha

  21. 

    You made my day. Loved the part about the date. I have (almost) no life so I crave blog entertainment (blogtertainment?) on weekends. I can’t imagine that these other readers also have no lives; they must be addicted to their smart phones. Get off the internet and get outside!! Then drink outside and check your Facebook and wordpress feed while drinking outside.
    Torn between the cult and Patty Hearst.
    Other than some sort of end-of-life agony, I can’t imagine anything much worse than tooth pain.

    • 

      This tooth agony feels like it IS the end of my life.

      Writers don’t have lives! That’s why we write! I’m staying in and writing and reading tonight. And eating ice cream.
      That’s a couple of votes for Patty Hearst; I just may have to blog about her!

  22. 

    OMG…some people say drugs make them less creative…maybe different drugs. And as far as the Grinch who stole Mother’s Day…I didn’t know you knew my ex…

    • 

      Your ex stole Mother’s Day? Let me at him…

      hahahaha I’M the Grinch in my story. I just do not like Mother’s Day.
      You’re so awesome, thanks for reading. xoxo

  23. 

    Hilarious! Hope your teeth pain gets better ASAP, aka after Monday!

    Xo

    • 

      Oh, I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I hope my teeth pain gets better, too. I’m a big baby with this and I want a stuffed animal and more ice cream.

  24. 

    “Dentistry is medieval.” Totally agree. I’ve had all four wisdom teeth out and it was Not Fun At All. However, there are worse things, and they definitely involve dentistry. I have to vote for the Grateful Dead post. You’re on a very “Woodstock – The Real Story” tack and you might as well run with it. Read you on the other side, kiddo. Here’s tipping the morphine vial at you…

    Dan

    • 

      Okay, you’re the FIRST one whose expressed any interest in my Dead Head-ness. I think it’s a very interesting aspect of my personality – I saw them about a hundred times!
      Thanks for reading.

  25. 

    Oh, man! I hope for your sake that this weekend flies by! It’s already almost Sunday and soon it will be Monday and the whole thing will be behind you. Well, minus the new pain. Sorry. I detest dentists and tend to pass our when I go. I passed out after getting my wisdom teeth out – that was fun! Enjoy your high. Can you send me some of your goodies? I have to wait until September to get my stash!

  26. 

    Step away from that bottle of beer and no one will get hurt.

    • 

      I don’t even like beer, but if I did, can I pour it into a glass, please? I own some pilsner glasses and beer mugs.

      I would NOT drink it out of the bottle. Ew.

  27. 

    Oh god toothaches are the absolute pits! Ahhhh and the dentist is awful, I haven’t been in 10 years, I really should go. I really want to read your story about being in a cult.

    • 

      I’ve been to the dentist, for checkups and all, but this came as a complete surprise. I brush! I floss! I do All The Things!

      The big winner, here and on facebook, seems to be the cult. I’m going to have to go with that one first.
      Thanks for reading. xoxoxo

  28. 

    Ha! Yes! Even your brain-flossing posts rock. (Had to throw flossing in, because… teeth.)
    Hearst or the cult but I’m tempted by shoplifting… I mean, I’m tempted by the shoplifting *post*.
    (Feel better soon. And for the record, if they suggest “crown lengthening” say no. It has nothing to do with being a princess and everything to do with being inverted while 8 months pregnant so they can peel back your gums and sand away your jawbone with an electric sander, apparently.)

  29. 

    Tooth pain is the worst. EVER. People who haven’t had a toothache simply can’t imagine how awful, awful, absolutely awful it is. I’ve had four root canals and also have one tooth that needed a crown but no root canal. After a double root canal, one of the nerve areas that had been filled got infected and my cheek became swollen to the size of an orange. Yep, it’s safe to say I hate the dentist and despise having been born with shitty teeth.

    • 

      Oh no! When it gets infected, isn’t that called “dry socket?”

      I’m hoping that getting rid of the offending wisdom tooth tomorrow will be a relief, but I know it will also be a hellish recovery.

      I did discover oil of clove, though, and that has helped. Have you ever tried that?

      I’m sorry you were born with bad teeth. Does it help if I tell you how beautiful you are? You really are!

      Thanks for reading. xoxo

  30. 

    I had 4 impacted wisdom teeth out on the same day, went home and had pasta fagiole an hour later! I did resort to Vicodin the next morning where I didn’t read which bottle I was taking and took double the dose. Went to walk my son to school and by the time I kissed him goodbye I swear I could hear the other parents thoughts. I had to resort to asking one of the moms to excuse me but I had no idea what she was saying because I was high as a kite. Thank God we changed schools so they won’t remember “that mom”. Good luck with the dentist and for the love of God don’t put anything dirty in your mouth until ur healed and by dirty I mean a penis 😉

  31. 

    Man, I am SO in a slump these days and this cracked me up… NOT that you being in a world of pain is funny; just the “don’t take this the wrong way”-but please do! thing. Penis is always funny in a blog post…
    In the 90s, while running around like the slutty single mom I was, I tried cocaine & ecstasy. E was the only one that lured me back to do it 2 more times. Plus I drank a lot so… that right there led me to an orgy with friends & me singing “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”. I still have my black “Zero” tshirt…
    I don’t know that anything is more painful than wisdom teeth shit. I had one removed in my late 20s but there are 3 more time-bombs in my face which dental professionals keep recommending I remove all in one shot. Ha! I think “Fuck THAT!” is the operative phrase here…
    PS – Thanks for letting me blow off a little creative steam here. 🙂

    • 

      You can blow ANYTHING you want here hahaha
      So you have three more to go, huh? All at once?
      No way. Not unless you can do a little ecstasy…

      • 

        Not doing them. Nuh-uh… They ain’t buggin’ me so I ain’t fucking with them. Elective torture? Only the slap’n’tickle variety, please. 😉

  32. 

    Bareback dentistry! I love your words.
    Pain is really enjoyable when it is second-hand, in a blog post say. Why is that?

    Patty Hearst could be a series of posts to rival the legendary PhoneGirl trilogy.
    Marginally relevant: http://explosm.net/comics/3111/

    Then you could do a post on Ulrike Meinhoff for the benefit of those of us who have the hots for her. And there’s more:
    https://throwoutyourbooks.wordpress.com/2013/10/23/shigenobu-fusako/

    • 

      Hey! Where have you been? I’ve missed you! Now how would I do a series on Patty Hearst? It’s really just a story I’m fascinated by.
      I looked at those links but I’m confused???

      • 

        I have a lot of catchup reading to do!

        I got lured away by Reddit some time ago, started helping out on /SuicideWatch which led to getting sucked into the netherworld of /RaisedByNarcissists, PTSD and BPD. There are a lot of kids* who are isolated and desperately need a kind word and some understanding and info.

        The marginal relevance is that Stockholm Syndrome is what they said Patty Hearst had, named after a famous case a year earlier of a captive coming to identify with the captors.

        The article was about how the nature of our interest in terrorists varies with their gender. It is a common tendency to see the men in terms of their ideas and actions while taking more interest in the women as people, and particularly as women.

        Write on whatever interests you, that works best I reckon. I’d like to hear about the Grateful Dead too.

        * kid = person under 30

      • 

        Yes, I know about Stockholm Syndrome. I fully acknowledge its existence, but as far as Patty is concerned, my own private feelings are that she was relieved to finally be free.

        Or maybe that’s just the rebel in me.

      • 

        That’s what I thought at the time too, but reading the Wikipedia entry it looks very different. They broke her, there are so many signs of severe mental trauma. Living under the threat of execution would tend to make one look for approval from one’s captives. From the psychologists’ report:
        http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1310&dat=19781229&id=hAQVAAAAIBAJ&sjid=B-IDAAAAIBAJ&pg=3277,8989206

  33. 

    Loved it. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to proofread anything. I’ve enjoyed every thing of yours that I’ve read,

  34. 

    Write your fucking memoir. Love, Gretchen

  35. 

    I thought of this when I was posting my recent blog on mis-procedure…at least they gave me good meds and will do so again!

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