Blow Job

May 26, 2015 — 96 Comments

Blow job

 

My public (all four of them) demanded more Spoken Word. 

So here it is. 

CLICK HERE and listen to me on SoundCloud.

And thank you for listening, and continuing to break the the “4th wall” of blogging!

You are awesome!

( for those of you who prefer the written word, below is the text.)

signature

—————–

 

So, he says to me, “We don’t have to have sex. Can you just give me a blow job?”

“No,” I say.

“Why not?” he asks.

“Because I don’t want to,” I reply.

“But baby, why don’t you want to?”

 

I don’t know. Maybe the sight of you whining like a petulant 8 year old who got slapped in the face at his own birthday party is a turn off.

Maybe it’s because you threw up a gang sign and talked about black music that black people don’t even listen to

Maybe I’m just not turned on by your pretentious microbrewery obsession, the cruelty free almond butter and artisanal dark roast you had for breakfast this morning,

And I’m completely underwhelmed by your overpriced John Varvatos sneakers, now you know you paid $250 for a pair of Converse, right?

I just don’t want to, do I have to have a reason?

Excuse me, did I miss something?

Was there a part of the sexual revolution I was married through? Is oral sex no longer considered sex, and is in fact some cretinous extension of afterdate etiquette?  You take me to the Olive Garden and and I suck your dick?

I don’t owe you anything. And even if I did, I don’t deal in oral currency.

 

Ohhh, he said. You women. You’re all alike. It’s not like I asked to fuck you. It’s just your mouth.

Really.

Well, if you must know, I consider oral sex more intimate than intercourse.

When you’re fucking me, I can go away somewhere.

I’m on all fours, you’re behind me, and I’m checking my polish for chips.

You’re on top of me, sweating and groaning, and I’m making a few moans and a shopping list.

Now I’m on top, squirming ecstatically, AND writing this blog post at the same time.

 

BUT

When I get on my knees in front of you

You thrusting, me gagging,

When I’m giving you “come to Jesus” upper tier fellatio,

When I choke on a pube like a cat with a hair ball,

when I’m going at it like a fat kid trying to suck the last bit of Slurpee out of a cup while riding a jackhammer,

 

When I’ve been down there so long I’m gonna need a tetanus shot and a muscle relaxant so I can chew my food the next day,

When I am sucking your dick,

I AM IN THE EXPERIENCE.

There is no escape.

 

And I SAY NO.

For every time I did it when I didn’t want to

For every friend of mine who ever did when she didn’t want to

For every women on the motherfucking planet who EVER did when she didn’t want to
I SAY NO.

Just because we’re women in a high-supply sexual economy doesn’t mean we can’t turn down a low return investment

 

We have the power to say NO.

We are coherent, intelligent and mature women and as we navigate the sexual landscape of the new millennium we are reclaiming our bodies and we are TAKING BACK THE NIGHT!

 

“Oh,”he says.

“Okay.

Well, can I get a hand job?”

 

 

Has anyone ever just assumed you were going to have sex with them?
When did suburban dads become hipster douchebags?
Talk to me.  I’m listening. 

Advertisements

96 responses to Blow Job

  1. 

    Love love love this.
    At that point, I’d blindfold him and give him the hand job all right..with the most acidic, painful, skin burning lotiony substance I could find. Asshole.

    • 

      I just saw this comment today! Thank you so much.
      It was in my dashboard, awaiting approval. I’m sorry I only saw it now. xoxoox

  2. 

    Ho.
    Ly.
    Shit.
    How could I forget how much I love your speciall brand of piss & vinegar?
    You give it to ’em girl…or not, as the case may be.

  3. 

    Um, I really don’t know what to say to this. We should have the power to say no. And we do have the right. And then, when we do, we are the Bitches, sigh. I will never get men.

  4. 

    This was…
    You are…

    Fucking fantastic. So much truth and all the raw feels.

    As one of the four people begging for spoken word, I say thank you. Xoxox.

  5. 

    Loved it, Samara, both written and orally… uh, on SoundCloud. You’ve got a great voice. Play your cards right and you might get an Olive Garden sponsorship out of this.

  6. 

    Nothing but truth here.
    It sound like it is becoming a tendency among men.

    • 

      Too many men use coercion instead of seduction. Seduction appears to be a lost art.

      • 

        So does being a gentleman.
        Even if one uses coercion, no means no, yet even in the scene it turns out to become more common there isn’t a no.
        Coercion only works if the other party allows it. The one thing often forgotten.

        Maybe we read to much 50 shades.

  7. 

    “I don’t owe you anything.” <—- That is the truth. And just to be sure, if men need to understand one thing only, it's that women don't owe them shit. At all. Period. Loved all of this, as usual.

    • 

      Now that I’m divorced and dating, I can’t believe some of the situations I’ve encountered! I don’t know if things have changed since I was single, or I was so wild back then, I didn’t really notice…

  8. 

    I read it, and was like “HELL YEAH!”. And then I read your commentary question and nearly spewed my sip of water. My crazy-ex-Greek used to give me hand signs like an airport runway flagger. I so enjoyed those FUCK YOU moments… 😉

    • 

      Hand signs? What kind of hand signs?
      I’m totally intrigued here…

      Greeks are crazy. Always losing their diners and whatnot in a card game.

      • 

        Directionals. He gave me double-handed directionals. You coulda put those little flags in his hands and he’d have fit right in at the extremely inappropriate nudist airport. Fucker. 😛

  9. 
    erickeyswriter May 26, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Fantastic! Wonderful writing and amazing delivery!

  10. 
    Deviant Denise May 26, 2015 at 10:51 am

    You fucking rock!

  11. 

    I can’t stop laughing.

  12. 

    Just for future reference, what eatery does warrant an automatic blow job? Not necessarily right then and there on your knees under the table sucking the filling out of my cannoli for dessert of course. I could wait until we get to the privacy of the car in the parking lot under a street light with the shift lever smashing into your delicate breasts as you strain across the console compressing your diaphragm while you try to breath between gags with your head jammed against the steering wheel all in the comfort of rich Corinthian leather. What’s not to like about that for a blow job? 😉 “But baby, why don’t you want to?” Great post, Samara.

    In refusing to touch anything else, you seem to have touched the readers’ collective nerves. I am in complete agreement that oral sex is FAR more intimate than intercourse. I am currently composing my next post about that very thing, so this is a timely read.

    FYI, readers. Samara and I do not know one another personally. The above scenario is rhetorical to expand her point and is not knowingly representative of any particular instance in her life.

  13. 

    Ha! You have the the best way of delivering a point that needs to be heard. Absolutely loved this! I SAY NO! ❤

    • 

      You do? Because I refuse to give pretentious douchebags blow jays?
      Or just because I’m so freaking adorable? hahaha
      I love you too, Papa. ❤

  14. 

    *grins* Way to go.

    Also…your soundcloud flicked over to White Girl after I finished your BJ and…I think I still prefer that one, though the message of this is incredibly powerful…buuuuuuuut I’m there for your voice 😉

  15. 

    Oh, Samara. This is hilarious and sadly true. I got braces after I graduated from college and although it was a pain in the butt, for two years I was not “asked” to perform acts I didn’t want to perform! 🙂 🙂

    • 

      Wait- you mean guys don’t want a blowie from a chick with braces? I had them when I was like, 12. Unlike today, girls that age didn’t have sex.

      Unless they lived in Kentucky. Hahaha

  16. 

    This was a really fantastic bit of writing. Once again you hit it out of the park.

  17. 

    3am, in bed beside my husband (asleep) on my Mac-daddy and trying so hard not to laugh so loudly while reading this… absolutely on point!

    • 

      I actually took hours to record it, because I kept laughing at the same line. The one about the kid and the slurpee on a jackhammer.
      Hahahahahaha
      I couldn’t say that line without cracking myself up.
      Am I being weird for admitting that?

  18. 

    I heard that the younger crowd didn’t see oral as “sex,” but when I grew up, if you were seeing privates, or for that matter heavy petting without removing any cloth, it was sex. And on a first date??? SMH. What is the world cumming to? I laughed my ass off with this. You have a hilarious delivery, but if you really needed to say that, the guy was immature at best.

    • 

      He was just another rich douchebag, which unfortunately, populates my part of the world.
      “privates.” hahahaha So innocent.
      Thanks for reading (or listening)

  19. 

    I’ve always thought a blow job was the most giving thing a woman can do. Even more than intercourse, as you point out. It can’t possibly be all that pleasant to do. Especially if someone is taking a long time to finish. Seems to me like it’s a win for him, but what do you guys get out of it? Anything?

    I’ve had blow jobs that seemed like it was an unpleasant chore. I know you’re going to think I’m lying but I’ve stopped them because I knew she was miserable. But I’ve also had blow jobs that were artisan. Rendered with care and involvement. I didn’t stop those.

    • 

      This is probably not the right kind of blog to talk about this, but when has that ever stopped me?
      I am one of those women who really enjoys it. If I’m into someone, it doesn’t matter how long it takes. Is this a bit too revealing? Even for me?

      Why would someone even give a blow job if it was an unpleasant chore? It’s far too much work if you’re not enjoying it. They don’t call it a “job” for nothing.

      • 

        Oh, you don’t think there are women who do it out of a warped sense of obligation? Or hold onto man with a wandering eye? Neither has a thing to do with pleasure but I’m certain that it happens all the time. Probably somewhere right now as I type this.

      • 

        I suppose, but if you’re doing it that reluctantly, to the point where you look completely miserable, it is a COMPLETE turnoff. You wouldn’t be the only man who would stop a woman like that. Not because they’re all as generous and evolved as you, but simply because, they can’t get off if the woman looks aggravated.
        The number one, biggest turn on for a man getting oral? The woman being very enthusiastic about it. Truth.

      • 

        I didn’t mean to sound evolved. I can assure you, I’m not. I stopped it because it was a bummer. I wasn’t having any fun.

      • 

        Funny aside: I read Richard Burton’s diaries, which were fantastic. In the late ’60’s, he describes stumbling across a couple in a dark corner. The woman was, in his words, “…masturbating him with her mouth.” Such a clinical way to describe it! He’d never seen such a thing! How is that possible?

      • 

        This was Richard Burton, the guy married to Elizabeth Taylor? Twice?
        Unfathomable.

      • 

        Right?! That’s a great summer read, for what it’s worth.

  20. 

    Such a vivid piece, Samara! Unfortunately, I have to wait to hear it spoken. Will come back later. 🙂 I always thought this was the most intimate of sexual exchanges and there has to be respect or it’s ruined. xo

  21. 

    I love you, Samara, in a totally non-creepy, non-stalking way of course (is yours the house with the green shutters, by the way?) (believe me, I pray I’m not accidentally right). Anyway, I love your voice, both written and verbal (dang Ned already used the “orally” joke). I read up to “checking my polish for chips,” LOL-ed, and decided to mute the tv, make a drink, and turn on the sound cloud.
    I love how you kept cracking yourself up at the “slurpee” line; we’re our harshest critics, (except for trolls, I suppose), and we damn sure better be able to entertain ourselves.

    • 

      As a matter of fact, I DO have green shutters.
      *peeks out the window holding a loaded shotgun*
      Just kidding! About the shotgun- my shutters are really green.

  22. 

    Sigh… your voice. It’s like velvet. On acid. It’s beautiful.

    And as for expecting or demanding a BJ? Thank god I’m not single cause I think I would be a very lonely girl. The only thrill in it for me is the power and knowing that I’m turning on a guy I’m into or in love with (depending on what decade we’re talking about). But put your hand on the back of my head and try to force me down there? I will LOSE IT on you. And not in a good way.

    And I love your voice. Oh. I said that already…

    • 

      That “hand on the back of the head” thing is hot if you’re into the guy.
      If not, it’s creepy. I have teeth and I’m not afraid to use them.

      Are we really going to all meet up in September? Who’s bringing bail money?

      • 

        Yes. #@$* yes we’re all meeting up in September. As for bail money, we’ve got Beth and her boobs. We are set. Ohmygodit’sgoingtobesomuchfunIcan’tstandit!

      • 

        Beth and her boobs? Hahahaha

        You all frighten me, and I’m a delinquent. That’s messed up. Don’t make me do bad things.

  23. 

    I love this, Samara. . . I will even go as far as to say, I loved it so much, I shared it on Facebook — despite my concern about more conservative FB friends & family. Eh. Whatevs. It’s a fabulous message & I laughed out loud more than once, so it demanded extra attention, I guess. Thank you.

    • 

      Oh, that is SO sweet! Yes, I totally understand the whole “conservative friends and family” thing- it’s (partly) why I blog anonymously.

      I hope everyone enjoys it and no one finds it offensive! Thank you.

      • 

        I hope so too! LOL. Oh well.

        I’ve considered blogging anonymously too. . . But, I find having a separate page is enough sometimes. People can filter out what is not for them, just as with anything else. . . We will see what happens. 😉

  24. 

    Love your voice!! such force (with a fizz of spice) Great read

  25. 

    I adore you. This is incredible and I LOVE your voice.

    Hmmm…one time, my ex and I got caught having sex in a park by a cop. When we got back to the car, he said “I wasn’t finished yet”.

    Motherfucker, really? Yeah…he was finished.

  26. 

    After reading this I won’t ask my gal for a blowjob tonight. I’ll supply the oral expertise on her.

    Heck, the way you described that douchebag he doesn’t even deserve a handjob with some spit. More like dry sandpaper!

  27. 

    Hahaha! What a great piece! 😀 I couldn’t agree with you more. And a wonderful voice. 🙂

  28. 

    Important dating question (because I’m reasonably sure you’re the smartest person I know): What is it that happens between the first meeting and discovering he’s Johnny Olive Garden that tricked you into thinking he might actually be awesome?

    I’m not looking to con anyone, but this feels like useful information.

    I read this. Listened to it. Then read it again. And marveled at how badass it is, no matter how it’s digested.

    You’re something else. Thank you for sharing this.

    • 

      That WAS the first meeting. We were set up by mutual friends.

      The useful info? Coffee. Never dinner for a first meeting. At least, not where I live, which has the highest national per capita occurrence of douchebaggery

      Thanks for reading, listening, and reading. xo

  29. 

    I simply have no words. Read yesterday. Still can’t comment. You are uh-may-zing.

  30. 

    Your last question about the douchebag soccer dads – I see that as the one adverse effect of easy access to on-line porn. I can see how a dude whose mind has been fattened on the consumption of that junk food could have some far-out expectations of how sex with a flesh and blood woman actually goes down – pun intended.

    • 

      You are correct. Men who watch a lot of porn think that mortal women act like porn stars. They forget that it’s a whole lot of acting.

      Although some of us DO fuck like porn stars. From what I’ve been told. 🙂

  31. 

    Preach girl! The only thing I’m putting in my mouth on the first date is……well actually…if he didn’t ask for it/expect it you never know. I just HATE being asked.

  32. 

    The good thing about being number 82 in the comments is that everyone else already said all the stuff I would have said if I had read this earlier, so thanks everyone that commented before me. You did all the creative work and I just get to ride on your coattails when I post “all the things up there, ^^^, Samara” Hahaha

    And I can’t wait to get home and listen to the oral (see what I did there??) version.

  33. 

    Love love love.

  34. 

    I finally got around to listening to this piece on Soundcloud and and it is really stellar. Funny, raw, clever, and brilliant, sparkling imagery. The build up, the question and answer with such sharp dialogue. And that last line was killer. Well done.

  35. 

    The fact that he was even asked for either is a douchebag move. Yuck!! And I agree with you , I think oral is more intimate.

  36. 

    STANDING OVATION!!! That was beyond excellent Samara. I had poemgasm from that.

  37. 

    Sounds like just another tool who takes what he can get, but doesn’t do any better himself.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. Blow Job | kennethandrebrownsr - August 27, 2015

    […] Source: Blow Job […]

When I see the orange light, I have a BLOGASM...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s