Obligatory Post

May 22, 2015 — 73 Comments

obligatory post

 

The saying “still waters run deep”

implies that the act of being still connotes depth. Of thought, of feeling

 

Sometimes I’m still because there’s nothing to say that will amuse or challenge you.

Or I just don’t have the energy to navigate the dashboard.

Sometimes there’s so much going through my head at once, it bottlenecks at the opening and nothing flows.

Some things, I just won’t share.

 

 

The only in-real-life person I allow to be friends with Samara Speaks on Facebook is Owen, my IT guy.

When I tried to post my education rant in all my Facebook groups, social media went absolutist on me and none of the links worked. I wondered if it was a conspiracy against me.

Give me some drugs, a friend to do them with and a good conspiracy theory, and I can keep myself entertained for hours.

 

My 3 home office computers are all connected. Bitch with Wifi.

Things go wrong. Owen fixes them.

He’s seen everything on my computers, so it’s safe to say, Owen is a trusted confidante.

I turned to him when Facebook was censoring my post, and real world and blog world collided.

 

I dematerialized for a few days. Sometimes even I need a break from myself.

Is it funny, sad, sweet, ironic – that Owen was the only one on Facebook who noticed I wasn’t around?

The Great Cosmic Joke: While we obsess over what others think of us, the reality is that everyone is so busy wading through the muck and mire of their own lives, no one really gives a fuck about what you do.

It’s supremely liberating, and why I get to drive my kid to school in footy pajamas.

 

I wonder if I died while my son was away at sleep away camp, how long would I lay there before anyone knew? Probably days. That’s the one thing about being single. When you die, you die and no one knows.

Although it’s still not compelling enough of a reason to get into a relationship.

 

 

I wrote a story about getting arrested for disciplining my son and It was picked up by another publication and shared on Facebook over 60,000 times in a day.

Between the blog and its Facebook page, there were over 1100 comments, half of them dripping with the kind of vitriol that burns your face off. You need a White Light Psychic Protection Shield to block the negative energy.

Or a sense of humor.

 

SM comment.jpg 2

 

It was fun being The Worst Mother On the Internet for a few days.

The best part of the experience was my online friends storming the battlefield. My Sisterwives and my fellow Bunker Punks fought valiantly against the trolls hungry to Dahmer me.

I laughed a lot at the comments, and cried when my friends stood up for me, and maybe was exhausted at the end of it.

I mentioned to someone that writers really need thick skin, and he reminded me that once you publish on the Internet, you leave yourself open to judgement.

True. But I only invited a hundred people to my party.

You know what happens when you invite a hundred people to a party, and 100,000 show up?

WOODSTOCK.

And people died there.

But people were born there, too.

 

 

My kid has a social niche carved out for himself. He and his friends are  “cool nerds.” Kind of that in-between group. Not super popular, but not outcasts.

I get it. He’s a quirky kid.

I told him, “you’re a quirky kid. Know when you’re REALLY gonna hit your stride? College.”

I’m nothing if not honest.

 

He’s on his skateboard a lot, and he wanted skater clothes. Hurley. Volcrom. That crap.

So, we got him set up. He looks cool as fuck.

One of the popular jock kids at school dresses like this. I’ve known this obnoxious crotchfruit for years. He’s the kind of kid you want to take to a playground with a quart of beer and beat the shit out of.

He accused my kid of copying him, as if the malls weren’t full of stores like Tillys that sell nothing BUT this look.

So what if my kid did copy him, anyway? Who on this planet is original?

Some days I like to think I’m copying a pale Goth hobo at a Marilyn Manson concert. We all get to channel whatever inner vision we have of ourselves, and copying others is another name for survival.

 

Even as it gets warmer, I’m still missing the extra layer. The one that keeps me from feeling things 10 times more than everyone.

I think about vacations at the beach, or what it might feel like to have electroshock current waking up my body.

I remember that sometimes, the people we love most tell us to we need to find other people who can deal with us, because they cannot.

And that Brutal Truth is better than Sugarcoated Fantasy.

Although the latter would make a much better porn name.

 

 

So, it’s the little things.

The right weather at night for a leather jacket.

A new person to make me tingle.

A new rock tee that fits perfectly.

WIN_20150522_111714 (2)

 

Watching Richard Linklater’s  magnum opus Boyhood with Little Dude and feeling pretty smug that I’ve turned my kid into a fan of my favorite director.

Letting the sink’s dishes be the sink’s problem.

The frightening glory of being showcased in a blog post by the Gangsta of Love, my friend Brenda Keesal, along with women whose writing frankly intimidates the shit out of me.

The quiet victory of watching my son view an entire Nirvana concert on YouTube.

Is it ridiculous that it was a Proud Mama moment, one I videoed? Probably.

I did it anyway. Some things are pivotal to me, and me only.

And that’s all right.

 

This blog post brought to you by the need to feel my fingers tap the keys.
Talk to me. I’m listening.

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73 responses to Obligatory Post

  1. 

    I didn’t notice the FB absence because I deactivated mine.

    -Did you get the email I sent you?

  2. 

    It would take me an hour to list all the reasons I love this post.

    But I hope you’ll just accept that I love it. The difference between you and us mere mortals when we’re not feeling particularly inspired, is that you still manufacture magic.

    This: “That’s the one thing about being single. When you die, you die and no one knows. Although it’s still not compelling enough of a reason to get into a relationship.”

    So good. So true.

    I hope you have a beautiful weekend. xo

  3. 

    This! “And that Brutal Truth is better than Sugarcoated Fantasy”

  4. 

    Thanks for this. So far, this post is the best thing about my day. And yes, writer’s do need thick skin..that doesn’t mean the always HAVE thick skin.

  5. 

    I love this. This is maybe one of my favs. Weird, right? Maybe because it’s a little less jazz handsss and a little more yup. And no one can be jazz handssss all the time. Plus, this is just so well written. No drama. Just truth.
    Yup.

  6. 

    Truth is a good drug.

  7. 

    Boom. You are awesome.

  8. 

    This is a really good post in a lot of ways. One thing to remember: studies have shown that the written word comes across several times as harsh in criticism than the spoken word. I like the design on this blog. Is it the same one with a them update? (Hard to tell on mobile) Regards, and thank you for sharing your words.

    • 

      Thanks. I think the written word must come across several times as harsh. That would explain a few things to me.

      I’m not sure what you mean about my blog design being the same one. I’ve had the same design for 16 months. Are you asking me what theme it is?

  9. 

    You and I have something in common.

    I, too, have only one person who knows “me the person” and “me the blogger”. And I rely daily on his discretion. (He’s a blogger.)

    It’s all so exciting, anyone who doesn’t have an Internet Alter-Ego is totally missing out.

    • 

      lol that fascinates me, because I’m utterly the opposite – everything is all muddled into the one of me. Except my colleagues. I try to keep work and online as far, far away as possible 🙂

      • 

        Me too Lizzi! I’m an open book in real life and apparently in blogging. Sometimes I’m kicking myself for it, but what the hell. I am trying to not care that everyone I know reads my blog. It’s a good exercise for me. And if I really need to write free I do it on the Sisterwives Blog 🙂

      • 

        I hide behind my disasters, still…if I’m a mess and everyone knows why (or has the opportunity to) then it lowers expectations on me 😉

    • 

      I find it liberating, but also exhausting.
      When you get really close with people, it’s just so hard to not be totally real with them.
      Thanks for reading!

    • 

      Yes, but I also find it exhausting. I want to skype with bloggers who I’ve grown to love as family. And meet them in person! And go to blog conferences!

      My anonymity’s days are numbered, methinks.
      Thank you for reading. xo

      • 

        I’m sorry, when I first read this, I thought it said “And meet them in prison!”

        Good luck with coming out;) I applaud you. I will end up meeting a few people in person, I know that much, but I doubt I will ever fully disclose online. I’ll leave that to braver souls.

      • 

        Oh, sweet white 8 pound baby Jesus, may I never meet anyone in prison again!
        hahahahaha

  10. 

    I got told a home truth the other day, which was quelling and stilling and also a bit liberating all at once, and it kind of echoes your post, and it’s this – “You’re not as important as you think you are.”

    Ain’t that the truth.

    • 

      Bull.Shit. I think for many of us (save for the narcissist and egomaniacs) we’re way more important than we think we are. (hehe… I’m stalking you in Samara’s comments section)

    • 

      That’s horrid! I don’t think I’m all that important, and now, to find that I’m even LESS so??

      Oh, shit. hahahahahahahahaha

      • 

        I don’t think I am, either…but I guess not everything’s about us. Just…I guess the breadth of my experience (except today, when things CLEARLY ARE VERY ABOUT ME) suggests that when I’m feeling lonely or low or forgotten about, I get in touch with people and reach out and they’ve just been too busy to remember me because life’s taken over. These people with full, busy, fulfilling lives…those ones…they have to attend to them, yaknow?

  11. 
    erickeyswriter May 22, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    Glad you’re back! Those fucking trolls can go stay at the Bates Motel for a long weekend for all I car. I am so sick of people judging parents for doing things differently than they would.

    Nice shirt!

    • 

      People have to judge others to make themselves look good.
      They’re so good at it, I think it should be an Olympic sport by now!
      Thanks for reading, Eric. xoxoxo

  12. 

    Love you to pieces. ALL of your rocking, feeling, awesome pieces.
    Gonna save this and read again when I need to be reminded of stuff.
    “Stuff?” Ugh. Guess who has writer’s block today?!
    Thank you, Samara.

    • 

      How’s the writer’s block, Michelle? Hopefully you got unstuck since you commented.
      Drop me a link, so I can see what you wrote! xoxox

  13. 

    The rock tee rocks, Samara. Congrats on your viral post. I think?? I guess the price of fame is always a little mixed, no? I would want to disappear under a blanket after that high emotion. And Facebook, you see I’m not there much, but if I were, I’m sure I would have noticed! xox

    • 

      I don’t know if I would call that fame, but I certainly caught people’s attention for a minute!

      I’m spending less and less time on social media. I need to be in the real world more. I got a little lost. It happens to all of us, yes?

  14. 

    I’m just going to wish you a wonderful weekend 🙂
    Your loyal readers love you — you’re incredibly lovable.xo

  15. 

    A good post that covers lots of different things.

    It feels good to get things off your Hendrix chest.

  16. 

    First, I think you would have to be gone for quite a while (a few weeks) for an absence on Social Media to go noticed for anyone. It’s the random nature of the feeds and cycles. Second, if people do miss you or wonder where you are they are not too quick to come knocking on your door. Third, cool tshirt. Fourth, that “popular” kid is a douche. Who says stuff like that? Fifth, “Some things are pivotal to me, and me only. And that’s alright.” That is the key right there, sister.

    • 

      That kid IS a douche. I watched him cheat at Field Day last year, and I was inwardly gloating when he got disqualified. Ha!
      I think you’re absolutely right. I’ve noticed people missing, and I usually just think they need space. And I leave them be.
      Thanks for reading. Love you. xoxo

  17. 

    When I read that post about getting arrested I thought there isn’t an honest parent alive who didn’t do something a little on the edge when their kids were being total assholes. We are just lucky nobody was there to see it unfold totally out of context and call the cops. Of course, there are a lot of lying sacks of pond-scum for parents out there – the ones who saw fit to throw their dung like the hypocrite trolls they are.

    • 

      “lying sacks of pond-scum” You just described most of the people where I live. haha

      People do love to be nasty on the Internet, don’t they? where there’s no repercussion?
      Nice gravatar. Pretty flower.
      Thanks for reading. xo

  18. 

    —–OOO, those trolls just LOVE to judge and kick and spit and abuse.

    I guess it makes them feel good about themselves…. cuz they are all assholes.

    As always, I adore your honesty. xxoo

    • 

      Some people DO judge others in order to feel good about themselves. They don’t realize there’s enough good for everyone. It won’t get used up if you give some to someone else. 🙂
      Love you. xoxoxo

  19. 

    I love reading your work. It’s so damn down to earth.

  20. 

    Love. This. That is all.

  21. 

    This is a true, brutally honest post. And so was the post about your arrest.

    I think that you’re fabulous.

  22. 
    Donna Miglino May 23, 2015 at 1:16 am

    It’s hard to know when you are missing, and when you are lost. So I leave you space. I hope if you ever needed me, you would reach out. I’m right here,

    • 

      It’s hard for me to ask for help when I’m lost. And sometimes, words on a screen, however well intentioned, just don’t provide comfort.
      But – I know you are there, and would probably drive to my rescue, if I really needed you! That’s the kind of person you are.

  23. 

    I noticed you were M.I.A. I always do. I sent you a messeage. I always notice when Samara is Silent. There is no joy.

  24. 

    The people who don’t get you aren’t supposed to get you, my dear friend. Let the haters be ignorant and widespread and non-starters and your hardcore remains. Right, Samara? ❤

    • 

      Right!
      Anyway, if you’re pissing people off, you’re probably doing something right!
      Hope you’re having a beautiful weekend, Mark. I see you put up several posts. I’ll have to come visit. xoxox

  25. 

    Samara, there are so many things that come to mind, reading this and your parenting nightmare post… I’m not sure how I missed that, but I think it’s because I’ve been mired in chest high shit for a few months now! Glad the link was here, because now it’s 100,001 that have read this powerful post– and I cheer you. I left my two kids on the side of the road once, drove a mile down and came back. They were absolutely clear that I meant business. Yes, I was fearful as I drove away. I’m lucky no one reported me. They grew up to be pretty remarkable 23 and 25 year olds. So, kudos to you. Little Dude seems like a solid little dude to me, and there’s no doubt it’s because his mother is a solid mama.

    As for taking time, being silent, all that you share here… we’re in this muck and mire together. Some days, all you can do is be silent to maintain a degree of sanity. xo

    • 

      Dawn, thanks for stopping by to read and comment.
      Yes, I had a few days where I just needed to do nothing. I took them.

      And thank you for supporting my choice of discipline. My kid is happy, and the two of us are really close. I don’t know how long that closeness will last, as he enters his teen years. but for now, I know I’m doing the right things with him. xo

  26. 

    What???? You got nasty comments for giving a life lecture to your own son? Will all those internet people with nasty comments be there to solve your problem when due the lack of discipline your kid goes in a wrong way and when is to late do give him lectures any more? I guess, half of those badass comments comes from really bad moms, sitting whole day and being online or watching tv or both. The accomplishment of the day – one nasty comment and the day can end.

    • 

      It IS a lot of work to discipline a child, and a lot of people just don’t want to work that hard.
      That’s how we ended up with such lazy, entitled kids.
      *sigh*
      I sound like my mother. Or a mother. Well, I AM a mother.

      Thanks for reading. xoxoxo

  27. 

    I like that Amy’s avatar is a crown.

    Your Great Cosmic Joke is spot-on. Over the past five+ years of blogging, I’d shut down and not post for weeks at a time simply because I was burned out or bored or both. I anticipated a tsunami of emails asking where I am. Why haven’t I posted? I’m still waiting. It’s a valuable lesson.

    Hope you had a nice holiday. I was in Sea Bright on the beach. It’s enough to fill you with hope. Here comes the sun.

  28. 

    I hate the Judgey McFuckyjudgers and rarely dignify their self-righteous comments with a reply. I am usually so obnoxious back to them that they lose their dizzy shit and come gunning for me. Since I am not anonymous I need to keep my haters to a minimum. I am glad that you have good people to cover your back.

    Write free, Mother Fucker!

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