Premature Ejaculation

May 5, 2015 — 58 Comments

PenisFountain

 

I blew my wad early.

Get your minds out of the gutter! I’m talking about the Indie Chicks Badass Blogger awards!

 

So, it turns out that the actual voting IS NEXT WEEK.

These were the nominations.

It could be worse. It could be last fall, when I sent my kid back to school two days early.
(school calendar, schmalendar. I sent him back the day after Labor Day for fuck’s sake!)

Jesus Christ on a coke binge, I am the world’s most clueless and disorganized blogger. It’s a good thing this award is for content, and not for organization, or I’d be well and truly fucked.

 

I’m completely OCD about my house. My goddamn spices are alphabetized.

It’s an anxiety thing. I have a lot of nervous energy, which I quell by cleaning.

That’s how I ended up cleaning my oven at 1 am last Saturday night WHOA, WILD WEEKEND AT MY HOUSE!

 

But as far as blogging is concerned? It’s a miracle I even HAVE a blog.

I’m in several blogging groups on Facebook (a black-hole time-suck where productivity goes to die).

I’m still trying to figure out the difference between visual and text mode and what “&nbsp” is and why does it keep happening?

And real bloggers discuss “Google Analytics” and “Search Engine Optimization” while I just twitch and get sweaty.

That happens to me when people around me speak Klingon.
qaqIHneS >sup, qaqIHmo’ jIQuch?

 

Or they discuss “blog organization” and I go into my full-on blank stare.

How do I organize my blog posts that have appeared in other publications? You’ve got to be fist fucking me. I’m lucky if I can find a clean bra. 

I’m a “fly by the seat of my pants” kind of girl (what the HELL does that even mean? That I have a spring-loaded tampon in?)

It’s commonly known, in the Sisterwives for example, that I’m of the “last minute” persuasion.

Others have their blog posts written and, oh my God, scheduled, in advance. I, on the other hand, come flying in with a blog post 2 minutes before it’s supposed to go live, still praying to the Dashboard Gods that it doesn’t do that thing where all the formatting goes wonky.

 

So, thank all of you for nominating me. You’re the most awesome and loyal blog friends evah.

Briton of Punk Rock Papa fame had a good laugh about this one. He’s been blogging about a half hour, and even he knew the actual voting for the Indie Chick Badass Blogging awards opens next Monday, May 11th and closes on Friday, May 15.

 

I’ll post again with the link to remind you to vote next week, if you aren’t completely over this by now.

 

Okay. I have to go get Little Dude up and ready for school. Mama forgot to buy cold cuts again, which means he has to buy lunch.

Mama also has no cash in the house, which means he has to go to school carrying a little baggie of change, like a homeless street urchin in Calcutta.

 

BUT

If you happen to be at my house and need bay leaves, it’s right on the shelf in between the basil and the cinnamon.

So there.

signature

 

Are you an organized blogger? Do you use calendars and spreadsheets and files, oh my!
Talk to me. I’m listening.

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58 responses to Premature Ejaculation

  1. 

    “You’ve got to be fist fucking me. I’m lucky if I can find a clean bra.” I literally lol’d and had people giving me the crazy eye at 9AM.

    Love the post! I’m OCD when it comes to organizing things. Let me know if you need any tips lol

  2. 

    I read the headline and came here to get help. For a friend. Even though allI learned is that if you HAD advice about premature ejaculation it would be between paprika and pumpkin spice, this was still the best Oops post ever.

  3. 

    Yeah kinda like my last Friday post. Still not sure what I was doing. Haha fly by the seat of mm pants.. I always thought that was a fly at the bottom part of a pants. I know what would a fly be doing there when you are sitting.

    As for blogs mine is just as old. yeah most posts are an hour old and never scheduled. I always change the schedule anyway lol. and it never seem to work for me either.

    laughed my socks off on this and saw them walking away on their own. Thank you for the laughs.

    • 

      What on earth is up with your socks that they walk away on their own?
      Wait a minute.
      I don’t want to know.
      Thanks for reading!

  4. 

    I’m so glad this happened, if only so I got to read this post.

    I’ll look forward to actually voting for you when I’m allowed to. xo

    • 

      You like hearing how completely clueless I am, doncha? I’m the comic relief in all these serious Facebook blogging groups. These people are having serious conversations about in-depth blog marketing and reach, and I’m all like “Can someone please explain Pinterest again, but in a way so I understand it??
      Thanks for checking in, Matt. xo

  5. 

    If I was a lesbian I would totally in person stalk you. Sadly I play for the other team so I will have to limit the antics to cyber stalking you – please stay bad ass. Love the penis pics.

  6. 

    No wonder the phone thing isn’t working haaa!

  7. 

    It’s not the early start that’s remembered, it’s the strong finish, Samara. And that, my dear, you are also quite the queen of around these parts. ❤

  8. 

    very cool and very nice

  9. 

    FUUUUCCKKK NOOOO! My thing is just spurts of writing frenzy, which thereby SOMETIMES gives me the opportunity to break up longer posts & schedule them. I am so fucking lagging these days it’s not even funny.

  10. 

    Congratulations on the nomination. But now I can’t stop thinking about a “spring loaded tampon.”

  11. 

    Can you organize my spices. Samara? My blog is more organized than it’s ever been, but you know what? It doesn’t matter! So, don’t even worry about that. I hope you win! You have my vote.

  12. 

    I have been blogging for at least forty-five minutes there champ.

    • 

      Well, as I said in the post that Shall Not Be Mentioned because it was a mistake, YOU are the BOMB!
      Or, a sky marshal arrested you for having a bomb. One of those.

  13. 
    erickeyswriter May 5, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Eager to vote, S!

    Anyway, I sometimes plan my posts out but these days… I just post as I’m moved. I’m too busy writing my horrifying brand of smut to blog like a champ. I suppose some folks can get away with both, but not me. Well, not at this point in my life, anyway.

  14. 

    You can get premature ejaculations from that glass penis? Oy! You rock! 🙂

    I’m not much of a calendar person, although I’ve kinda forced myself into it.

    • 

      I’m going to start at least keeping a file of some of my posts that have been published on other…
      Oh, who the fuck am I kidding! I felt disingenuous just TYPING that. hahahahahaha

  15. 

    Bahaha!
    Out of all the bloggers I read, yours is the one I tend to read out loud to my husband and my best friend. All sorts of reasons I’d vote for you (NEXT week). Also, because my spices are alphabetized, too (and canned goods, and books, and….)
    Love you, Samara. You always make me laugh. xo

    • 

      My books are in size order. But each shelf is a specific category.

      Canned goods? Wow, you have me beat there!
      *hyperventilates and runs to the cabinet*

      I love you too, Michelle. You’re a fabulous audience if I always make you laugh. xo

      • 

        LOL! Full disclosure – my cans hardly ever stay that way. I used to label stuff in my fridge until my bestie moved them around just to mess with me. She also hid my label maker. She’s a bitch, that one.
        You DO make me laugh and inspire me. Even if I don’t comment on everything, just know I lap it up like a thirsty dog every chance I get. Goodness…I might need a different metaphor pool.
        Have a great hump day 😉

  16. 

    Love this. You are too awesome. And a badass chick. And also, I’m all about the last minute. Because I’m getting other crap done in the first minute.
    Lastly, if you came to my house and opened the spice drawer you would surely have a full on seizure. There’s a layer of random leaked spices throughout which I like to call “garam masala” because it makes me seem like I cook fancy.
    Good luck on the award! I’ll watch for voting directions. Be specific though… for the disorganized among us.

  17. 

    I was wondering what happened to the get-out-the-vote post. It was there, then it wasn’t. I’ve already voted, btw. Don’t know if it’ll count but at least they know who they’re dealing with now.

    • 

      Hahaha, I deleted that post when I realized I already had nominations. Thank you.

      Who ARE they dealing with? I haven’t figured that out myself!

      Anything amazing happening in NYC this spring? If so, you would know.

  18. 

    My first thought is….shit, do I have a clean bra to wear to work? Second is, organized or not, you are a terrific writer. There is a reason you got nominated. I can’t wait to vote and pimp the shit out of you.

  19. 
    Mr Modigliani May 6, 2015 at 8:26 am

    So tough and sassy in public, so very sweet in person. I hope you win (and find a clean bra)

  20. 

    Your blog is entertaining and laugh-out-loud and you obviously love your Little Dude so much – to tell you the truth, I put clothes in piles of colours and i alphabetise lots of stuff!! Keep doing what you’re doing Girl!!

    • 

      I do love my Little Dude, when I’m not yelling at him to clean up his stuff – like I am right now!
      Thank you for the support. xoxo

  21. 

    My spices are alphabetized too! And they’re in very straight rows in my spice drawer. OCD much? Why yes…yes I do! lol

  22. 

    I’d vote for you just for the title of this post and posting that pic. Badass chick for sure!

  23. 

    Found you via scary Mommy 🙂 Just thought you might like to learn (as I recently did) that &nbsp is the code that shows up when you hit enter to create extra space between paragraphs.

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