Heartbreak Feels Like

December 22, 2014 — 141 Comments

Heartache_by_kilroyart

Heartbreak feels like horrible pains in your chest, like someone is stabbing you. And then crushing pressure. And you can’t breathe.

Heartbreak feels like you can’t stop crying.

Heartbreak feels like your stomach is twisted in knots and you can’t hold down any food.

Heartbreak feels like you pretended someone cared about you. Because you didn’t want to think about the alternative.

Heartbreak feels like finding the evidence of who they really loved.

Heartbreak feels like all the times they told you your writing was too long. That it bored them.

Heartbreak feels like your desire to write has been killed.

Heartbreak feels like you see all the times he read her work. And it’s so trivial, so nothing, it’s agony to wrap your brain around why he was so disinterested in your writing.

Heartbreak feels like a friendship you made up in your head. Because you needed a friend.

Heartbreak feels like everyone caring when you wrote your deepest secret. Except the one person whose shoulder you wanted to cry on.

Heartbreak feels like knowing you’re so fucked up no one will ever love you. You have been so damaged that no one wants to pick through the ruins of your life.

Heartbreak feels like a sled bumping into the back of your heels on a cold walk home at dusk. Crying because she forgot to pick you up and it’s winter and you’re not sure where you are.

Heartbreak feels like every birthday she never remembered.

Heartbreak feels like you’re afraid now to hit “publish.” Paralyzed because you realize nothing you’ve ever written is any good.

Heartbreak feels like your hands are shaking so much you took hours to type this.

Heartbreak feels like finding out your best wasn’t good enough. but someone else’s mediocre was a feast.

Heartbreak feels like it’s not just your heart. Your whole body feels broken.

Heartbreak feels like pushing away people who do love you.

Heartbreak feels like he wrote “that took my breath away” about her really bad poetry. And actually tasting your own vomit.

Heartbreak feels like she wrote a crappy, purposeless blog. And seeing him all over that blog. When he hasn’t read one of your posts. Not even the really funny ones.

Heartbreak feels like remembering how he approached you. Out of the blue. And wishing it never happened.

Heartbreak feels like your shoes are too tight. And letting your toes press hard against the inside front because if you tell her she’ll get angry that you need new ones.

Heartbreak feels like losing the only house you ever had. Because you grew up in a housing project. And having him say, “oh, you’ll bounce back.”

Heartbreak feels like he doesn’t even know it’s the only house you ever lived in. And that you grew up in a housing project. And that you won’t “bounce back.” Because he’s never read anything you’ve written.

Heartbreak feels like someone being mean to you when you’re at your lowest. When you just want them to hold you.

Heartbreak feels like you blew the chance of a lifetime. Many times.

Heartbreak feels like watching your best friend die of cancer.

Heartbreak feels like stealing stuff from your friends to buy drugs.

Heartbreak feels like a rhythm in your head that’s been playing since childhood: Love me, love me, love me, love me.

Heartbreak feels like you want to just get drunk and build a blanket fort, a personal video game sex fort. With hookers.

Heartbreak feels like you want to fuck all his friends.

Heartbreak feels like you probably will.

Heartbreak feels like you read everything he ever wrote. Because that’s what friends do.

Heartbreak feels like finally realizing, he’s not your friend.

Heartbreak feels like wanting someone to take care of you. Even for one day.

Heartbreak feels like realizing you have no idea what that even feels like.

Heartbreak feels like a rhythm that’s been playing in your head since the break up of your marriage: Alone, alone, alone, alone. Forever, forever, forever, forever.

Heartbreak feels like you were killed in your writing. And you’re not sure why.

Heartbreak feels like you know he thinks you’re “the crazy chick.”

Heartbreak feels like you’ve been in recovery from your childhood your whole adult life.

Heartbreak feels like you’re so exhausted from this. And understanding why you’re not worthy of love. It feels like this: empty empty empty empty.

Heartbreak feels like how he ridicules you for writing this. Because you have to expose every part of yourself, “down to the last blood cell.”

Heartbreak feels like getting beaten when you’re too young to fight back. And looking at your son’s small body and just thinking, “How?”

Heartbreak feels like getting raped in a shooting gallery on Avenue D. Because you deserved it.

 

Heartbreak feels like this: Over over over over.

Heartbreak feels like you can’t breathe. You cannot breathe. You have the evidence in front of your face of what you feared most and you cannot breathe. 

 

Heartbreak feels like you just found your kid’s journal. And he wrote yesterday, “Mom cried all day. She tried to hide it from me, but I’m not f***ing stupid.”

Heartbreak feels like your 11-year-old wrote “f***ing” in his journal.

 

Author’s note: 
Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is informally known as ‘broken heart syndrome’. It almost always happens to women and patients are typically in a critical state during the first 48 hours. The main symptoms are chest pain and shortness of breath. Takotsubo cardiomyopathy is a weakening of the left ventricle, the heart’s main pumping chamber, as the result of emotional stress.

 

I know I always write something here. It just seems stupid now. 

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141 responses to Heartbreak Feels Like

  1. 

    That’s too much heartbreak for this time of the year. Hope it gets better for you.

    Just wanted to drop by and wish you and yours a happy and healthy holiday season.

    • 

      Phil, you are a sweetheart!

      Today is much better, thank goodness.

      Same to you, my friend. Have a wonderful holiday season. You can start eating clean again in the New Year! (that’s what I’m going to do!)

      xo

  2. 

    Oh dear, how I envy you! I would like to be able to fall in love again. Even if then this is the consequence aftrerwards. Merry Christmas!

    • 

      I don’t know how this happened. I’m careful not to let anyone in. It just kind of crept up on me.

      It won’t happen again. I learned my lesson. Sex is not love.

      Thank you for reading. Merry Christmas!

  3. 

    Heartbreak feels like seeing someone you care about and consider a friend write something so painful and wrenching. Like hearing them take themselves down and ignore every beautiful thing about them. Like wanting to hug them even though you’ve never actually met in real life.

    Damn, Samara. This has me feeling so much. Mostly it has me feeling pissed. Pissed that anyone could make you feel less than. Pissed that some insecure fucker has to put down your writing to make themselves feel bigger. Because that’s exactly what it is. They need to put you down to keep you in their web, to play some sick mind game with you. At least, that’s what it sounds like to me. Pissed because you deserve so much more. You deserve someone to take care of you for once. You deserves someone who sees all that you’ve been through, all that you’ve done and endured, and doesn’t see messed up or crazy, but sees someone who made it through all that shit and is still standing. Cause the other side of fucked up is way more impressive than this side of the white picket fence perfect life.

    And here’s the part where I get preachy. You have to believe it before anyone else will.

    And here’s the part where I tell you that I’m a shitty friend and have been absent lately but I still care and I’m still here. Hugs and love to you my friend. xo

    • 

      You’re NOT a shitty friend. I have noticed you haven’t been around. Just today, I was thinking I should message you and see if everything’s okay.

      No one put me down; it was more like, I interpreted someone’s lack of interest as a put down. That’s MY fault.

      I don’t know if anyone will ever see past the damage.
      I have a bunch more I want to say about that but here is not the place.

      Thank you reading, Gretchen. You’re a wonderful friend. xo

  4. 

    everybody is hurted

  5. 

    Happy new year, Samara. Hope it finds you well. This post was quite a punch to the gut – hope you’re feeling better.

    • 

      Trent! Happy New Year!

      yeah, this post was like a stomach virus. I had to get some stuff out of me, and then I felt quite a bit better. Hope everything is going well for you in 2015!

  6. 

    So I am wayyyyy late to the party and I don’t care. I BYOB. I meant to say this when I first read it: “Heartbreak feels like a friendship you made up in your head. Because you needed a friend.” And you go back over the minutiae and you question your own sanity and judgment and the next time someone reaches out to you, you hesitate, because what if you are doing it again? Sadly, I have no inspirational advice to offer you, except to say that the outpouring of support outweighs the opinion of one person who didn’t see your worth. 🙂

    • 

      You’re not late to the party, because the party never ends.

      Thank you for showing up at all!

      It’s hard work sometimes, maintaining certain friendships. And when they crash and burn, the toll it takes on your psyche is brutal.

      I pushed a lot of people away because of this. I’m working on getting them back.

      The one person who I wish would see my worth is me.

  7. 

    Happy New Year, lovely. I hope this one is a good one. xoxoxoxoxo

  8. 

    Shit. I hope you’re feeling better now.

  9. 

    Thanks for this. Kisses… 😦

  10. 

    Wow I can totally relate with almost all you wrote
    I feel all of these things too often sad to say
    Why do we give so much of ourselves to someone who would not do the same back or show the attention, affection, appreciation for our actions? Don’t they know when we do these things for love and there is no acceptance for it we are left with a horrible emptiness in our souls that cannot be easily repaired? Don’t they know how damaging that is? And the problem is I stay and hope and pray that he will show he cares, say he loves me back, be there like I am always there for him. When at times I feel I have NOTHNG left to give, he still hurts me. And that is why it ended and that is a good thing for both sides. How can I be with a man who doesn’t want to show he cares for a woman who would do almost anything for him? So for now I keep to myself and learn about life and try to never ever make that choice again
    Love you I hope you have found the happiness you so deserve.

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