Samara’s Bad-Girl Sex Tips

December 17, 2014 — 121 Comments

Devil_Janine_II_by_jbooba

 

All men secretly desire boundary-pushing action when they’re parking the pink bus in the fur garage! This holiday season, wake up that hibernating harlot within and shaboink him into oblivion.

SEX FACE

Contort your facial expression so grotesquely that you look like you’ve warped the nerve endings in your face. With a little practice, you’ll resemble a mime choking on a large piece of steak.

Alternate between sticking out your tongue and baring your teeth. Every time he looks at you, he should see another creature from The Twilight Zone having a stroke.

SOUND EFFECTS

Substitute your garden variety moans and sighs with more enthusiastic calls of the wild. Squawk like a kangaroo high on PCP riding a rollercoaster.

For those of us who are well endowed, particularly if your breasts have a nice sag to them, try this: standing at the foot of the bed, put a hand under each breast, and start flapping them up and down while making silly cartoon noises.

SUCK FACE

The goal here is, when kissing, to actually try to eat his face OFF.  It should be horrifying, almost as if you’ve turned into a Headcrab from Half-Life.

For added sensation, dehydrate yourself prior to a makeout session, so your tongue is as dry and abrasive as possible.  Deep kissing him will feel like a rough tongue Glove of Torture.

TALK DIRTY

It’s the dirty dialogue that gives your bedroom romps an X-rating. Instead of the typical “I love the way your Baloney Baton feels in my Pish Flaps,” try some of these deliciously devilish suggestions:

-Replace the traditional “Oh God” with a lusty, “Hail, Satan!”

– Speak in a 30s style gangster voice. Think Edward G. Robinson in Little Caesar, and say something wicked such as,
Supposin’ you put your penis in my tootie fruity, woulda-ya-say?”

Lean in close to his ear, and seductively whisper, “I wanna check you for ticks.”

– Scream aggressively, “DO ME, YOU RUBBER-DICKED FUCK GOD!” Accompany this with a forceful punch in the neck.

– Right before you go down on him, tantalize him by reciting the opening lines from Law and Order, with the words changed slightly:
“In the oral sex act, the participants are represented by two separate yet equally important body parts: the penis, who delivers the semen; and the mouth, who receives the semen. These are their stories.”

Follow this with a resounding, “Dun DUN!” the famous auditory sound effect, reminiscent of a jail cell door slamming.

NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE

Turn ordinary cunnilingus into his fight for life. Actually mold as much flesh as you can over his mouth and nose like silly putty. You’ll know you’ve succeeded when he starts flailing his arms like a drowning man at sea.

ROLE PLAY

Role-play and dressing up offer a unique fantasy aspect that can ignite passion, both visually and psychologically. Instead of the typical “sexy teenage enema nurse” or “underage cheerleader,” you should both dress up in Disney princess outfits. Have a tea party, and refer to him continuously as a “fancy lady.”

While performing oral on him, make sure he asks your permission to have an orgasm. Tell him, ““So you want to come? Well you’re going to have to ask politely, like a fancy lady.”

CLASSICAL GAS

For full-on sex goddess status, consume an especially intestine-abusing meal, such as Mexican food. During sex, release your gas, making sure your butthole is a scant one inch away from one of his nostrils. The fart will go directly into his brain. You’ve heard of a “Dutch Oven?” Mainlining a fart is the infinitely more powerful “Dutch Microwave.”

For extra sexy times, first insert a vibrating butt plug. Unclench those butt cheeks and let ‘er rip. No man can resist you after he sustains blunt force trauma from getting hit in the forehead by a high velocity, fart-propelled butt plug.

SOME LIKE IT ROUGH

Arouse his inner Viking by urging him, “Smack my ass like I stole your Grandma’s Werthers!”

Hopefully he’ll get the idea. If he proceeds to the usual pulling of hair and light choking, yell, “Hurt me, Nancy Boy!” followed by you full-on head-butting the wall.

FELLATIO – EXTRA STRENGTH

Have your man put a dog leash on you. Pretend his penis is a chew toy. Actually gnaw on it like a puppy chewing on a finger. Not hard enough to break the skin, but enough to leave teeth marks and bruises.

BE ADVENTUROUS

Play tigress and try some of these frisky positions:

The Alaskan Firedog: When switching to reverse cowgirl, kick him in the face.

The Cambodian Helicopter: In the missionary position, while bringing your legs up to wrap them around his torso, bring them all the way up and start slapping his face jowls with your feet.

EXORCIST ORGASM

When having on orgasm drop your voice down several octaves deeper than usual, and let out a manly war cry. Thrust your hips upward into a full bridge, arching your vagina to eye level. Scoot backwards in this position to the far edge of the bed. Then, in that deep booming voice yell, “DON’T TOUCH ME!” Twitch uncontrollably for 5-7 minutes.

 

Remember, it’s important to get aggressive when handling his penis. Squeeze his penis like a stress ball and treat his balls like play dough. He’ll have to cobble an erection together from his shattered dreams, and whatever porn he watched earlier that day. When he slides it in you with the gusto of someone plugging in their phone charger, you’ll know you’ve graduated to a Bad Girl!

Do you think it’s important to spice things up in bed? What are your sexytime favorites? Have you ever injured someone during sex? What’s your favorite episode of Law And Order?
Talk to me.  I’m listening. 

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121 responses to Samara’s Bad-Girl Sex Tips

  1. 

    Hysterical and mildly scary.

    My favorite part of Law and Order is that bow-bow-bow-Booooooow music at the beginning. Love that. Haven’t actually watched the show in decades.

  2. 

    Omg you’re so crazy. Haha! Exorcism orgasm, is that where your head spins around and you barf pea soup? THAT would be HOT.

  3. 

    well… you finally did it… you went too far… and this is from me… the guy who doesn’t ever know where the line even is… HA! Good job!

  4. 

    Oh my God!!! I’m in a conference room right now and I’m trying not to have a fit. I might have to step outside. LMFAO!!!

    • 

      Isn’t it fun when you’re at work and you have to pretend to not be doing something you’re actually doing? Especially when you’re laughing at something uncontrollably when you shouldn’t be?
      I’m glad I gave you a good laugh in the middle of your day!

  5. 

    OMG, I’m trapped in a supply room CRYING right now!! This is so beautiful! Hilarious, Samara!!

    • 

      Hey, Eric! What’s happening?? I thought of you last night, when SOA WASN’T on. Boo.

      I’m so glad you found this post funny.

      Is it weird that I laughed my ass off while writing it? hahaha

  6. 

    I’m alone in my office and am completely confused as to whether I should guffaw like the heathen I am or… I just – I can’t even…. I have literally NOTHING to top this… Well, there was that ONE time my husband made me close my eyes while he put slugs on my bare feet and it was his pleasure to lick my slug-slimed feet clean, and then he did and his mouth got numb because that stuff has an analgesic effect… I have pictures. He’s such a foot-slave! 😀

    Ugh. Why am I HERE!? I should be writing a book!

    • 

      Slugs on your bare feet so he could lick the slime? Okaaayy

      Yes, write a book! I promise to buy several copies!

      • 

        I sometimes find my (missing!) socks in his end-table drawer… :/ LOL

      • 

        OH NO YOU DON’T!

        For real? You might have been around as many freaks as me, and that’s saying something!

      • 

        If I could make a living at such things, I’d probably be comfortable instead of scrounging for my mortgage payment each month… *sigh*

        (Psst – if you know a place, feel free to point me in the right direction! I could ditch this secretarial BS for GOOD! Oh, and I already tried Cuddle-Buddies’ Foot-Friends – they won’t hire me bc I’m not 20-something enough, I guess). 😉

  7. 

    I nearly choked laughing at this. A co-worker stepped into my office and I had to quickly close the screen and pretend to break into a coughing fit. Dear God!

    • 

      I don’t want you to actually require the Heimlich maneuver, but I’m glad you laughed!

      It feels good to finally publish. I know you understand that. xo

  8. 

    You had me at Headcrab. ❤

  9. 

    This is everything. Thanks for the laugh, I needed it.

  10. 

    I’m all worn out, bleeding, and black & blue just from reading this. I think I broke a few ribs too.

    Yet, I’m strangely turned on and want more. Yes mistress!

  11. 

    Reblogged this on CinnamonAndSparkles and commented:
    Just when I didn’t think I could love Samara any more…… I laughed so hard I cried.

    Must share!

  12. 

    And a special kick out of Samara being called Mistress 🙂

  13. 
    theheartofsassylassie December 17, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    OMFG, Samara. I have no “line” so I embraced this fully! Hilarious! Your writing is so descriptive at times I was going to hurl and seconds later thinking, yeah, that’s a good idea . I could just imagine it all! Great, great, great post! xoxoxoxo
    Me love you long time!

  14. 

    If she plays HalfLife and knows what a headcrab is, she’s a keeper!!

  15. 

    Awesome. It makes the fact that the hubs and I have fights over who can do the most disgusting thing to the other one’s pillow seem so mundane….

  16. 

    Have you been peeking in my windows again?

    ROFLMAO! This is freaking hilarious!

    • 

      Yes, I did all the research for this post by going Peeping Tom on you and John Brownstone! He has a particular affinity for the “Headcrab from Half life” move…

  17. 

    This post made me oh so happy. I live in a secret, rather isolated land of getting paid to 1- be anything you’re filthy heart desires via phone 2- writing x-rated ads for you which will be placed in the weekly alternative newspaper and saying 30 times a day, “Of course your personal ad turns me on!” Lastly 3- being better at you (not you – I love you- you as the general white, rich male who controls much of the world, you) at picking up gorgeous women online, then giving you all the lines to say, and behavioral therapy to not scare said hot women up and outta their seats at the expensive restaurant you’ve taken them to. Men need direction, it seems, in everything- sex, grocery shopping, pretending to have a wide range of emotions. At times I can’t believe my unique experiences with these sad souls, but then I say a silent thanks, as they have paid my rent this month.

    I love your ideas!! I truly hope to incorporate them into my pro-life soon! You rock!

    • 

      Are you a phone sex operator or a psychologist? I CANNOT figure you out, but I’m going to have to do a little research, see…
      (Last part said 30s gangster style)

      • 

        I’m going to do some research, too. Maybe we should compare notes. Sounds like the guys running the show at my office.

      • 

        What the holy HELL is going on at your office?

      • 

        I can’t believe I missed this- many apologies for my delayed response! It’s been a hell of a month. My grandmother passed away, I’m suing a neurosurgeon that completely screwed my brain surgery, and have all kinds of specialists throwing meds, nerve blocks and ideas for more surgeries at me, when in reality none of them know exactly what nerve is causing all the pain.
        Anyhow, I love your blog, and I’m psyched you wrote! I imagine any research done with my current, first married surname or maiden name brings up photos I never should have let past lovers take! Let me know if You find anything good! I was a phone sex actress, a personals and “uncensored” ads writer, a professional consort and in one unique, strange case a hired cherry-popper by a lesbian mother who was terrified her son was gay. This year my goal is to find a way to lessen my pain and get my degree as a sex educator, or my preferred title, sexpert! I’ve been told that I”ll need to set up a blog on a paid hosting site, as WP and Blogger are not fond of sex stories, erotica or pictures of sex toys! Have you run into any problems with WP when you write posts related to sex? Does it make a difference if you have a free or a paid WP site? I have many stories and adventures I’ve long wanted to share with the blogging world! Your site is an inspiration, dear Samara! Have a lovely day and accept my virtual hugs as apology for missing your reply!

  18. 

    First line should be a your, not you’re. I’m also an editor for the times wealthy perverts aren’t indirectly paying my bills!

  19. 

    I am so out of it, apparently, that I had to google “headcrabs” to make sure they aren’t a head version of crabs. 🙂

    • 

      You googled “headcrabs?”

      You’re a brave, brave man!

      It’s from an older video game, so you’re not really out of it. I’m just old. Thanks for reminding me. hahaha

  20. 

    I’ve sustain first degree burns to my gonads whilst reading your blog. Wahhhhhaaaagggghhhhh

    Could you put a warning up please?

    “Not to be read whilst drinking hot beverages”

    • 

      Hey, Kit! How are you?

      Yes. Please put down the hot beverage. I don’t want you to injure yourself (contrary to what this post may indicate…)

      • 

        Have you ever heard of the Dorset Naga chilli? It has a heat rating of 1million Scoville Heat Units (900.4 times hotter than Tabasco) Hot!

        Re: damage. If you wanted to spice things up. Make a curry with this chilli, eat, and then go down.

      • 

        Okay, THAT sounds really freaking painful! Noooo! I don’t really want to hurt anyone! Hahaha

        This post was a joke, but people on Facebook are now calling me Mistress. That’s a little scary. Haha

  21. 

    Hahahaha. Good Lord. You might be the scariest woman I know.

  22. 

    High Velocity Fart-Propelled Butt Plug would make a great band name.

    Occasionally I contemplate singing the Zelda “You got the thing!” theme upon reaching orgasm.

    • 

      OMG, it SO would! Or at least a record…

      What is Zelda “you got the thing?” It sounds like it would fit an orgasm.

      • 

        It’s a four note sequence that plays whenever you open a chest containing something of significance, accompanied by a dialog box saying, “You found/got [item]!” Hence the “You got the thing!” nickname for the sound.

        After you’ve heard it about a hundred times it becomes something of a joke, so now we like to sing it over stupid things like finding the tv remote in the couch, or picking up the mail.

  23. 

    I ran across this thinking it was serious initially. I died. GREAT read, lol!

  24. 

    I learn so much from you. You’re now my sex coach. Or sherpa, maybe? Sex sherpa. I’m going to start saying that with a little lisp, just for added sexiness.

    Whatever. No more “ordinary cunnilingus” for this gal.

    • 

      “Thex Therpa?” (Sex Sherpa with a lithp)

      What is a Sherpa? I’m afraid to google it. I have seen things on the Internet that my eyes cannot unsee…

  25. 

    I don’t know what episode it was, but my favorite line from Law and Order was at the end of an episode where a woman was wearing a wire to catch another woman admitting some wrongdoing, as they were eating togerther. As she was being arrested and realizing that the other lady was wired, the bad one says to the other, “You’re dumber than a sack of hair.”

    • 

      Oh my GAWD I know that episode. Didn’t the mom say that to her daughter?

      I think I know every episode of that show. It’s ridiculous.
      Dun-DUN!

      • 

        That makes sense, because it was younger woman wearing the wire/older woman doing the insult. Plus, you know, you and Law and Order. I’ve missed a lot of them. Ol’ Jerry Orbach has to be my favorite, I think. Dun-DUN!

  26. 

    Hail, Satan! Yeah, I’m going to try that one. This is hilarious, Samara. Sexytimes!

  27. 

    Fuck… I shot wine out of my nose when I read this. Btw I have done the whole rough Viking scene thing.

  28. 

    Omigosh, juggalette. lol. 🙂

  29. 

    Oh. My. Not sure whether to laugh, be shocked, or feel aroused… hmm, all three.

  30. 

    Stay away from my wife.

  31. 

    While I think it’s important to ‘spice things up,’ as you put it, I’m not sure the cock-as-a-chew-toy is the way to go. My legs are crossed as I type this.

    So are you telling me that some of the carrying on in my past wasn’t sincere? Here’s the epiphany I just had reading this: My favorite past loves have all been actresses. Actresses. Makes sad sense when you think about it Time to reassess my abilities.

  32. 

    Ugh my husband is already scared into full-on Stanley Roper. This would make him cry like an actual Disney Princess. That would kill my LadyBoner I would guess.
    I love L&O but since a lot are about pedophiles they also kill my LadyBoner. I know I’m such an old dried out vagina.

    • 

      Pedophiles are NOT sexy. Ugh. I have to police my kid like crazy when he’s watching these guys on YouTube lecture on Pokemon. Cause what normal grown man does THAT for a living?

  33. 

    I seriously need to move my work computer away from my reading computer. I was on a conference call, trying to pretend I’m smart and managed to snort clear out loud when I read about the kangaroo squawk…have you been spying again, my love?

  34. 

    LOL!!!

    “you should both dress up in Disney princess outfits.”

    And one more just for this! I try to imagine my ex in this outfit!

  35. 

    Seems like you should be writing for Cosmo!

  36. 

    OH…MY….GOD!!! for the first time ever, I am writing… BWAHAHAHAHA and mean it! SO glad I was home when I read this! 🙂

  37. 

    This had me laughing out loud at work…and then my boss came around the side of my cubicle and said, all cheerful like, “What’s so funny?” I attempted to close the window, but she may think I’m a huge sex freak now.

  38. 

    Ay, Dios Mio! This is a classic and one I will save for a very special occasion. LOL. Hope all is well with you and your little guy. 🙂

    • 

      Maria! How are you?

      This was a little bit of craziness for the holidays.
      Little Dude and I are fine! Hope all is well in your neck of the woods, pretty lady!

  39. 

    Oh Samara I’m literally giggle snorting here so much raunchy awesomeness here. You’re words are powerful like a powder keg of sexual hormones racing each other to the finish line. I tip my hat to pretty lady. 😃🔥🔥💃

    • 

      Ooh, what a great comment! A powder keg of sexual hormones!

      It’s fun to just be silly sometimes, isn’t it? Lord knows, we need it! I’m glad I made you giggle snort.

  40. 

    In the ’80s you had that plum job of making up the letters-to-the-editor at Penthouse, didn’t you, Samara? Even my imagination is getting too old …

    • 

      Mark! The birthday boy (a week later)!

      Well, this stuff is not exactly Penthouse forum material. More like, I had insomnia, was on cough syrup, and surfed 4chan in the wee hours of the night. Haha

  41. 

    This was HYSTERICAL! I especially liked the Law & Order bit lol.

  42. 

    You had me at Law and Order. I once dated a guy who looked like Detective Stabler. I like to brag about that.

    • 

      Ooh, you read a whole bunch of my posts at once! I’m so flattered – especially now that I’ve taken my head out of my ass long enough to respond to comments!

  43. 

    Brilliant! So Laugh out loud funny. I’ve been known for some of these quirky shenanigans.

  44. 

    Excuse me while I take my dog for a walk 😉

  45. 

    Finally, some sex tips that are easy to follow along!

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