Dear Babygirl

October 25, 2014 — 34 Comments

Sometimes, people leave us without a word as to why. And the ‘not knowing’ is almost worse than their absence.

My dear friend Cinnamon is going through this. And it was suggested to her by one of her friends that she pick her own ending.

Her friend referenced The Big Bang Theory – the episode where Wolowitz’s father has left. And all of his friends write letters explaining to Wolowitz why, so he can pick his own ending.

Here is the scene.

 

So, that’s what we are doing. Cinnamon’s friends are writing her letters, to offer her closure. This loving, sparkly glitter girl deserves no less.

 

 

Dear Babygirl:

Right now, as I sit to write this, I am so connected to you, I can feel your pain. Or rather, the mingling of both of our pain.

I wish I had the courage to look into your eyes, or hear your voice.
I do not.
But I can offer you this – my truth, in the words I write here.

I know how hard your life has been.
Your heart has been shattered, and riddled with bullet holes. The fact that you chose me to help heal it  – to let me in, to trust me – was nothing short of astonishing. Being loved by you, and allowed to love you back, has been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life.

It was too much for me, Babygirl.
I was afraid of how much I loved you.
Afraid that I could not be that person who was finally worthy of your trust. I was afraid that I could never be the man you deserve, the one who would restore your faith in love.

And so I left. And now the stuffing has fallen out of the holes in your heart.

I wish I could say I’m coming back. And that I’ll make this up to you. But I’m not, and I can’t.
Fear is the opposite of love, and unfortunately, at this moment, fear is winning.

I’m so sorry, my sweet Babygirl.  l love you so much. Too much.

I know there’s a light in your eyes that is gone now, because of what I did. And I don’t know if you’ll ever get that back.

But my precious girl, you’ll get a different light.

Keep moving towards that light, Cinnamon, my love. For me.

 

Love all ways and always,
Daddy

 

 

Have you ever had someone you love leave without closure?
Talk to Cinnamon. Gently. She’s listening
.

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34 responses to Dear Babygirl

  1. 

    I’m in tears, as with Mel’s.
    You all have given me such a wonderful, loving gift.
    Thank you
    xoxox

  2. 

    *sound of breaking heart*

  3. 

    Reblogged this on CinnamonAndSparkles and commented:
    I may have lost my Charming, and my way to an extent…. but I certainly have love in my life.
    Another amazing gift

  4. 

    Wow…heart breaking…..gorgeous

  5. 

    My best friend disappeared from my life a year ago because I found out he lied to me about something. I wasn’t even mad about the lie. I just wanted an explanation.
    While it’s not the same – it’s a similar pain.
    I miss him. Sometimes I think of him and just bawl my frigin’ eyes out because I know I’ll never meet another person like him. The other part of me hurts because I know I’ll probably never speak to him again and that reality kills me.

    Still, a part of us has to move on – however difficult that may be. We owe it to ourselves to keep going. We cannot let the loss take us over, because it’s then that the pain wins and the demons enter. & If you’re a person like me you know just how dangerous and destructive those demons can be.

    I wish you love, dear. Even though I don’t know you. I wish you LOVE.

  6. 

    I hope this helps her.

  7. 

    I want to. I tried. I stared at that empty “reply” box and I just can’t. I can only sympathize. It has been a while and the feelings have faded and I thought maybe they had faded enough that I could imagine what it would be that I would like to have heard. I still get angry and resentful, I’ve just learned to override those feelings now. So instead of an alternate closure, all I can offer is reassurance. It does get better and the hurt does fade, but it never goes away. It stays in the back of your mind just enough to be taken as a lesson, a stepping stone to becoming the better person we do when we learn something. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but once I did I have never felt better. I am a better man for having been through it, and the next woman I accept as my partner will be the lucky recipient of the gifts that were bestowed upon me as a result of having lived, and learned through the pain.

    It isn’t a goodbye at all. It is a welcome to the new part of you that is opened up.

  8. 

    Those that love you still there, like Samara, will write letters with words that you’ll nod your head to and understand for a minute and then they’ll bounce off and echo away for awhile and you’ll deal with the hurt the way you need to, Cinnamon. But the words and love will still be there within reach, for when you’re ready, for when you know you really need them again, for when they can truly fill you up and make you bigger and fuller and more the way you were before. Bless you and do the best you can to stay well while you fight your way through the hurt.

  9. 

    Sometimes a father is just a man.

  10. 

    Ouch. That scene tore me to shreds. And your letter is beautiful, Samara, and I only hope that it’s the truth, because it seems…not noble or acceptable…but caring, at least in some measure.

    Being let down by someone you love is always terrifyingly different, and I can only agree with the hope at the end of your version – that one day there will be a different light in your friend’s eyes, and other loves to sustain and nurture her, even if this one still hangs there with a question mark.

    I’ve never lost someone *that* important to me. But the lack of closure still niggles.

    • 

      Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. It’s hard for me to trust…and I gave him everything that I was… and he does the thing that he knew would hurt me the most… he totally abandoned me.
      Did he love me ever? I feel he did. And that’s all I have.

      Luckily, he changed me and my heart for the better in so many ways before he broke it… And that I am eternally grateful for.

      It’s just the not knowing… not understanding… that kills me. But I’m getting there in terms of accepting that I will never know. And that likely it wasn’t about me.

      And this helped. So much.

      xx

      • 

        Certainly as an exercise of exploring the possibilities when all you have are blank walls stretching to conclusions which seem implausible at best and cruel at worst can only be helpful, and I’m so glad you’ve found it to be so.

        The not understanding and not knowing is harsh, though I really hope that in the end you come to a place where it doesn’t matter so much, and the intensity is less. That you say he changed you and your heart for the better before breaking it, gives me hope, because it makes me think that you’ll be able to fill your heart with love and nurture from other sources, and to feel wrapped around and cared about, and (to bring a fine distinction) care-able-about, which is the most important thing, alongside knowing it was likely not about you.

        Trust is hard, and it’s so upsetting that yours was broken in this way. But you will trust again. I’m sure that whatever he did, he could explain, though that absolutely doesn’t excuse him for his behaviour. As for love – I’m certain that in whatever capacity it was, and to the best of his ability, he loved you.

        I find I turn again to the wisdom of an Irish friend, who (atop a mountain this summer) imparted to me in a very solemn voice, the following gem of perfection – “People are strange.”

        She’s so right.

        I hope you find peace sooner than you think you will x

  11. 

    Wow – this is so sad. I feel for her. Hope this helps her a bit.That is rough.

  12. 

    As a person who was adopted, I can really relate to this.

  13. 

    John Callaghan nailed it.

    We put our parents on pedestals. And it can be crushing when we discover their humanity.

    This was touching. Very.

  14. 

    Oh gosh you two are making me tear up like hardcore 😂 these are such beautiful letters xoxoxx

  15. 

    That was beautiful!!! Such a good friend.

  16. 

    This is very moving. Heartfelt. My #blessings go out to you…

  17. 

    Reblogged this on authoraamir.

When I see the orange light, I have a BLOGASM...

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