Moist Panties

October 7, 2014 — 171 Comments

wet underwear

I live in a world of words. My job immerses me in words; I write, I talk a lot and I have a kid who speaks non stop. There are words, however, that just make me want to hork.

I’m talking about words that actually make me feel queasy if I speak or even hear them. This is an actual phenomenon known as “word aversion.”

It’s not the same as “word rage,” which is anger you feel towards a word, because of what it represents. Like “webinar.” Don’t EVEN.

Or because it’s trendy and pretentious, like “multimedia-ist,” which apparently is the occupation of several people on Ello. If I was out and someone trying to pick me up told me he was a “multimedia-ist,” I’d punch him in the dick.

Word aversion occurs because the act of actually uttering the word makes you sick. It has to do with the connection of emotion, memory, sound and “mouthfeel” (mouthfeel – that’s a word I get word annoyance from. Not rage; just enough irritation to want to slap someone with a phone book.)

Evidently, the word most people feel aversion to is “moist,” which doesn’t bother me. Another word found universally revolting is “panties.”  Here’s where it gets complex.  Although I don’t find these words objectionable individually, combine them, and I’m repulsed. “Moist panties?” Gross. it sounds like a chick with a yeast infection.

 

Here are some of the words that make me want to throw up in your mouth:

1. Goiter

Definition: an enlargement of the thyroid gland on the front and sides of the neck.

This word has that horrible “oi” diphthong that makes you sound like you’re coughing up phlegm. It’s uglier than watching an elderly man keel over and die while eating deep fried bacon at a Cracker Barrel. Not only does it sound disgusting, it IS disgusting. It’s something your 100-year-old grandmother gets.

neck goiters

She looks like she’s pregnant with triplets and they’re climbing their way out through her throat. The upside to this mess is that she would be virtually impossible to strangle. So there’s that.

Sentence: Dude, my grandma’s goiter can kick your grandma’s goiter’s ASS!

2. Globose

Definition: Shaped like a globe

This is another one with a phlegmy diphthong; the “gl” sound is just nauseating. I thought it was a Pokémon character. When I googled “Globose+ Pokémon” I saw so many anime penises it actually put me into a cartoon phallic trance. I had to punch myself in the face to stop googling it.

It sounds like it would have something to do with male genitalia, doesn’t it? If it’s shaped like a globe, for the love of anal warts, just say “shaped like a globe!” No one uses this word unless you need to sound like an overly educated douchepuppet who scored a whopping 580 on the English portion of his SAT a hundred years ago.

And the images that come up when you google it:

xpaeoniifoliusGlobose_tn_jpg_pagespeed_ic_2vCievcMsJ

Amorphophallus paeoniifolius. A tropical tuber plant. But it looks like a dick.

 

Sentence: Dude, your grandma’s goiter is completely globose!

 

3. Cumquat

Does this really NEED an explanation?

This word is repugnant. Saying it makes my cervix go all crunchy.

It sounds like sad porno, like someone with a speech impediment tried to say “cum” and “twat” in a shitty Ampland video.

I didn’t google it, because I have learned, while innocently searching for birthday cake recipes on Tumblr in the wee hours of the night, that there are things on the Interwebs that my eyes CANNOT UNSEE.

THAT'S why you don't google it. You're welcome.

THAT’S why you don’t google it. You’re welcome.

 

Definition: a small, round or oblong citrus fruit having a sweet rind and acid pulp, used chiefly for preserves.
(And some really nasty ones if you look in Urban Dictionary.)

WHO would name a fruit this? If watermelons are full of water, what are cumquats full of?

Sentence: The sour, unappetizing globuse cumquats resembled your grandmother’s goiters.

 

4. Squelch

This is a tricky little bastard, this word. Because it has several meanings, thus raising the probability that this word cancer actually gets spoken. It rhymes with all manner of gross things, like belch, and felch.

Definition:

1. The nastified sound your shoes make when you walk through something nastified, like a puddle of dog pee.

2. The act of suppressing something or stopping something.

pumpkin

Let’s squelch all this pumpkin food everyone eats. It’s a GOURD.

 

Sentence: I had to squelch the urge to touch my grandmother’s goiters.

Let me state, for the record, that I am in total disagreement with my normally exalted reference source, Urban Dictionary. Squelch is NOT the sound a cherry chocha makes during intercourse. That is a queef.

5. Blog

This is a HORRIBLE word. It sounds like someone took a crap and it landed in your mouth and it DIED there.

In a study done in 2010 at Harvard which I made up, a team of researchers interviewed 1000 people regarding the word blog. 94%  thought it was a synonymous with “word vomit.” The other 6% were busy blogging about topics such as their love for Bruno Mars music and cosplay as Garfield the Cat.

blog

Oh, I have so many DEEP THOUGHTS, I should write a blog!

 

Definition: The thing you’re now reading.

It’s a good thing we’re voiceless, faceless dots on a screen. If I had to actually hear this word as often as I have to read it, I’d hang a tire filled with gasoline around my neck and set my head on fire.

Sentence: He wrote a great blog post about an anime grandmother who was still able to suck Globosuar’s dick, despite the presence of her triple neck goiter.

 

Do you have word aversion, or is this just the late night word vomit of an insomniac?
What words make you want to hurl?
Talk to me.  I’m listening (as long as you don’t say “moist panties.”)

171 responses to Moist Panties

  1. 

    I REALLY really really hate moist. And damp. But not dampen.

  2. 
    Helena Hann-Basquiat October 7, 2014 at 8:27 am

    I just have word aversion to people saying things wrong. LIke “I should of done whatever….” or “Supposably.” I kind of cringe when people say “hopefully”. ‘Cause it’s not a word. No, really. If it were a word, it would be an adverb, as in, to do something in a way that was full of hope. But that is NOT how people use it. GRRR. ARGH.

    • 

      GOD I HATE THAT CRAP!
      Should “have” people, not should “of.” Supposably? What about “anyways?”

      Hopefully isn’t a word? I had no idea. And I thought I knew my grammar…

      • 
        Helena Hann-Basquiat October 7, 2014 at 2:36 pm

        It is a word now, through sheer force of will and frequent usage, but by the strictest definition, is not. Much like the word IRONY (and ironic, etc..) has taken on new definition through frequent misuse.

      • 

        Or “meta.”

        It’s a freaking prefix, people, NOT a word. It’s like they needed to invent a word to describe people masturbating to pictures of people masturbating.

        Ooh! I like that. I’m going to post that on FB!

  3. 

    My own word aversion has been enhanced. Goiter, Bitches!

  4. 

    This made me laugh! My daughter has a list too (as do I ) and at the top hers is the word…MOIST.

    Have a great day!
    Kay💜

  5. 

    Vomit/puke/throw up all bothers me so I usually say “tossed their cookies.”

  6. 

    You know for having such a strong aversion to these words, you sure used them a lot! I think my favorite was the blogging section. 😆

    Honestly, I don’t let words bother me. Words only have the power we give them, which is why I think the concept of swear words is dumb, they’re societal rules that don’t really make sense. No one would care if you said them if everyone said them, the only reason they’re bad is because we think they are. Just my 2 cents.

    • 

      My favorite was the blogging section, too. But I might be the only one who thinks the line about setting my head on fire is funny!
      You are right. Words only have the power we give them.
      Except the ones in this post. They’re disgusting…

  7. 

    I just wet my shorts 😛 laughing.
    For some reason Blog does sound weird and never right. I also have that with Google-ing or just Google.
    Never understood panties? What is so plural about them, except the holes. Like pants. But that be something for a grammar lesson.
    Panting in pants

    Than again I am not that great in the English language

    • 

      What is your first language? Color me intrigued.
      “Google” is also an awful word, though not as disgusting as “blog.” However, if I put them together in a sentence (“Let me google that blog”) it’s like being tortured.

  8. 

    NO YOU DIDN’T TITLE A POST MOIST PANTIES!!!! HAHAHAHAH I love you, Samara. (I hate the word ‘rave’)

    • 

      YES I DID, AND I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME!!
      What’s wrong with ‘rave’ (other than having to sleep off the ecstasy for a few days?)

  9. 

    I experienced some moistness in my panties when I blogged a squelchy one on my neighbour’s goiter.

  10. 

    I’m with you on cumquat. My husband’s grandma taught my 2yo to say it as she force-fed him a bucket full on the drive home from her cousin’s funeral in Florida. I was driving and they were in the back seat, and between Granny repeating it over and over and over, and my kid screaming it at the top of his lungs for hours, I was ready to swerve into oncoming traffic.

  11. 

    Not a lot of word aversion, although for some reason hearing people say the word “cunt” is annoying to me (really? Pick a better word, assholes!) however, hearing people eat/drink makes me run for the door, clutching my stomach and gagging. Soooo gross.

    • 

      Oh my God, I can not STAND the sound of people eating and drinking! My Ex made the worst “glugging” sounds when he drank anything.

      Now my kid is making little noises while he eats, and I’m about to put him up for adoption!

      “Cunt” – I don’t mind saying it, but I DO mind hearing it. What is that about?

      • 

        I catch myself yelling it in the car sometimes. *blush* I think it is more of the tone it is spoken in. My buddy calls his wife that, but it’s with this affectionate, loving tone of voice so it’s not AS offensive, but when I first heard that I flipped out on him. However, I know he loves and respects her, so perhaps it’s just how it’s said/who it’s said to thing. I know when my kid referred to his girlfriend as that, right after I slapped him upside the head, he said it’s just another word to express someone being a “bitch” and I was like you better find another fucking word or keep your mouth closed around me.

        I can’t eat with my kids. I just can’t. I got so used to eating solo, cold food, when they were tiny that now I prefer the food cold and eat it by myself..or if I eat with them we watch a show with loud volume so I don’t have to hear them. Because I will lose my mind. Even the dog drinking sometimes squicks me out. And then I’m like..god, you’re such a weirdo.
        🙂

      • 

        Then I guess I am too, because if I have to listen to those weird little sounds my kid makes when he eats I may end up sticking a fork in his head.

  12. 

    …moist panties…

  13. 

    First, thank you so much for a Goiter image that caused my testicles to lose all their globoseness. Secondly, I’m pretty sure the same guy who named the cumquat also named the sperm whale. Someone needs to stop him.

  14. 

    My niece has the “moist” aversion in a major way. I don’t get it. I don’t know that I have any word aversions. They’re just words … they only have power if you give the power to them. But I’ll agree cumquat is … just weird.

  15. 

    More gender differences, Samara. Say moist panties around any male aged 12 to 80 and they excuse themselves to find a private spot to daydream about it.

    Here’s a phrase in the modern job search world I hate: skill set. As in … you don’t have the skill set we’re looking for to (fill in the blank for anything from sweep floors to design jet engines).

    I much prefer: Thanks for sending us your flawlessly worded cover letter and resume, but we hired somebody else from the pool of 4,876 we received. Or even: Thanks, somebody else was better than you.

    • 

      Or, “thanks, we can exploit a 23 year old out of college for half the salary you want, even though they will do a completely crappy job because no one has standards of excellence any more.”

      Mark, don’t even get me started on annoying corporate phrases. I could do a whole blog post on “move the needle, going forward, low-hanging fruit,,,”

      I think I will! Thanks!

  16. 

    These are the words I dislike:

    Beverage
    Slather
    Packet
    Jim and Ron…but they are my ex husband’s names…so there’s that.

  17. 

    Ha! For some reason, I hate the word “satisfying”. It makes you sound and look smug when you say it for anything other than a candy bar commercial.

    My major word aversion isn’t really tied to the word, but I hate it when people use “So good!” as a sentence. Especially dealing with food. For some reason it conjures up a picture of someone talking with the mouth full:

    We had brownies at work today. So good!

    (Yeah, I’m weird, that’s been established already.)

  18. 

    Oh I am cracking UP! Thus always makes me laugh. I’m sick of hearing my friend tell me how she hates the words ‘moist’ and ‘scalp.’ It makes me want to say them over and over and see if she ever really does vomit. I’m betting she would not. I do have weird words I hate to say, blog is one and also PURSE. My mouth just hates saying this word. I don’t know why. And I get disproportionately twitchy from mothers referring to themselves as “Mama Bear”or anyone talking about their “pup.” why? Dunno. We’re all weird. I’m glad we found each other through sharing our word vomit and laughing at each other. WITH each other of course.
    That.plant is totally a Chode plant.

    • 

      Ohhh, you get me, you really get me! It so is a Chode plant!

      “Purse”? Who carries that, Ethel the 80 year old? Ewwwww.
      “Blog” is the worst word ever. EVER.

      Although, I’m sorry, I AM such a mama bear. Does this mean you won’t like me anymore?

  19. 

    Gesticulate. *Shudder.* Just typing it grossed me out.

  20. 

    Schlong. I fucking HATE “schlong”. Just to be clear – I hate that WORD; NOT AT ALL the noun it defines!

    Oh, and “sensual”. That word totally needs a dick punch. (Maybe it’s because my crazy-ex-Greek used to say that shit all the fucking time! – “I’m a really SENshooAL person…” My girlfriend used to roll her eyes and we’d crack up so hard at that pretentious fuckwad. LOL)

  21. 

    Obviously the real problem here is lack of effort… those panties should be wet…

  22. 

    I don’t have any word aversions per se, but I do think “crepuscular rays” is the most unfortunate term ever for such a beautiful natural phenomenon.

    • 

      WHAT is THAT? It can’t possibly be good. And NO, I’m not googling it. Too risky.

      • 

        LOL it’s safe to google, I promise. You know when the clouds part slightly, and long, golden rays of sun shine down like something out an inspirational poster? Yeah, those are “crepuscular rays”. Is that not just the most hideous phrase to describe it?

  23. 

    You have some good choice filthy words here. I don’t like goiter either. And blog, initially, was a problem! I couldn’t stand that word. I admit it’s frequency has made it seem normal. I wish I had one to share…I got nothing at the moment. I’ve banished them from my mind!

    • 

      Just seeing you here is enough! You don’t have to contribute a disgusting word!
      But “blog” is SO weird, isn’t it? Like a caveman talking…

  24. 

    Moist makes people uncomfortable. Great post!

  25. 

    I can’t help myself as my immaturity even at my age makes me laugh when I say these words. Cumquat…….heh heh heh.

  26. 

    I’m probably being a dirty old man, but I instantly thought of Berry Davis and me making out in the Palace Theater as kids.

    God how I loved her and her moist panties . . .!

    • 

      Yes, you ARE being a dirty old man.

      Please continue. 🙂

      • 

        Winds may blow o’er the icy sea, I’ll take with me the warmth of thee
        A taste of honey, a taste much sweeter than wine
        A taste of honey, a taste much sweeter than wine
        I’ll return, I will return, return for the honey and you

        Winds may blow o’er the icy sea, I’ll take with me the warmth of thee
        A taste of honey, a taste much sweeter than wine
        A taste of honey, a taste much sweeter than wine
        (Taste much sweeter, much sweeter than wine)
        Taste much sweeter, much sweeter than wine, ahh, honey

  27. 

    HA! This was brilliantly worded… 😉

    There are quite a few I agree with, and I can think of quite a few more. Some that might make me hurl at even writing them, so I won’t. Why can’t we all change the word blog anyway?

    You start.

    We’ll all follow.

  28. 

    The words moist and bits used to give my oldest daughter the willys. We couldn’t got through the cookie section in a grocery story without talking about Ritz Bits and Tollhouse Soft Batch cookies because they are moist.

  29. 

    nice job at making us squirm a bit.

  30. 

    As a art student I am forced to listen to many pretentious words strung together, my most hated are didactic and juxtaposition.

    • 

      Oh, see now I LOVE those words! Not that I ever say them. I don’t want to be beaten in broad daylight. But I’m such a nerd, I like those high fallutin’ words!

      • 

        It’s not nice when a tutor says to you your work is very didactic, quite frankly I want to tell them that an interesting juxtaposition would be for them to stick their head up their ass but that could be considered didactic

  31. 

    The other night, Brian said something to me about how he hung my “unmentionables.”

    I looked at him and said, you can say panties. Or underwear. Those things don’t bother me.

    I don’t understand the aversion to moist or panties. (Although together it reminds me of a trashy skinemax movie.)

    Honestly, I don’t think I have any hated words. Combinations of words, maybe…

  32. 

    Pubic Hair. Technically that’s two words but I consider them one. Just a vomit inducing word. Hate it. Pubic Hair sounds like it should a spider with long dangly legs and a body that is cold and oozey. I need some mouth wash now to clean my pallet of this disgust and rot.
    Another great post though.

  33. 

    I never want to be anywhere near you when anyone utters one of those words which makes you want to throw up in my mouth (YES I read that sentence twice to double check, and THAT’S WHAT YOU SAID! EW!)

    Moist doesn’t bother me – I grew up in a foodie household, so it rings of cake and stuff, rather than anything gross.

    I freak out far more over grammar mistakes than particular words (though I’m not keen on puce, genitalia, chunder, chowder, scurf or e-zine). Supposably is horrible, but ‘could of’ and ‘would of’ and any erroneous apostrophe just turn me into a raging linguaphile.

    I am, however, guilty of using ‘a whole nother’ (but for fun, rather than because I think it’s right), and I’ll neologise whenever I can.

    (Also, in England, I’ve always known it as ‘goitre’, which is still a nasty concept, but less ugly than the American spelling of it)

    • 

      Yes, there really IS only one way to describe a “moist” cake.

      I DESPISE when people say ‘could of’ instead of ‘could have.’ People, people! Learn your verbs from your prepositions!

      Lizzi, *grinning slyly* what about…’clunge?’

      • 

        AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I HAD PURGED IT FROM MY MIND AND YOU BLOODY PUT IT BACK IN THERE! I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THAT WORD WITH SO MUCH OF A *hwurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhhhhh*

        Yeah alright…there are words which make me wig out. And that is MOST DEFINITELY ONE! *shudders*

        You, madam, are a PICKLE!

      • 

        A pickle? Not a knish?
        I’ll have you know I don’t care for pickles. Too salty. Blech.

      • 

        *looks severely down nose* I thought ‘harridan’ was taking it a bit far, but DON’T push me…

        (Fo’ real? Pickles are LOVELY! But vinegar-y, not salty…I don’t think!!!)

  34. 

    For some reason this made me think of Donnie Darko. In English class they’re talking about the perfect phrase…”Cellar Door”.

    • 

      Don Bro Jo!
      Enlighten me. Why is ‘cellar door’ the perfect phrase?

      What IS a cellar? Is that horror-show speak for a basement?

      • 

        I’m not so sure if it’s “horror-show speak” or just red-neck talk. Could go either way.

        As to why it’s a beautiful phrase J.R.R. Tolkien once said “Most English-speaking people . . . will admit that cellar door is ‘beautiful’, especially if dissociated from its sense (and from its spelling). More beautiful than, say, sky, and far more beautiful than beautiful.”

        Does this mean you’ve never seen Donnie Darko? For shame. A must watch.

      • 

        I haven’t. Does that mean you won’t be my friend anymore?

        Don’t quit me, Don Bro Jo. I’ll Netflix it this weekend.
        (Ew. Did I just use “Netflix” as a verb? Gross.)

      • 

        It’ll be okay. I finished Netflixing The Walking Dead this past week.

  35. 

    Meal by itself is fine. I like to eat like everyone else. Add cornmeal, oatmeal or meal worm makes me throw up in my mouth. And pus…just please no!

  36. 

    Dem goiters though

  37. 

    hmmm… I have a Kumquat tree in my back yard….. just saying….. it is a little fruit – harmless really.

    Words … yea some words just piss you off when you read them or see them…. it is way too early to be pissed of right now so no repeating which ones…

    • 

      You have a kumquat tree? Do you make anything with those horrible little things? Because I looked at a lot of preserves and stuff, and it looked gross and slimy.

      Certain words just piss people off. Don’t think about them or you’ll be forced to hit someone with your car. That’s a real buzzkill.

  38. 

    I’d add globule to that list.

  39. 

    HAHAHAhaha… maybe I should go to bed now 😛
    “Undead” They are Fing Zombies!! ok! Loved this post. Just what I needed in the middle of the night as my mind races lol.

  40. 

    God, this was funny. And that’s really an understatement. I made a bad choice reading this at my work desk. Thank you for the laughs.

    • 

      I’m so glad you thought it was funny! I have to admit, I laughed like a hyena the whole time I was writing it.

      My kid says I laugh at all my own jokes because I have no friends! That may be true, but “hang a tire filled with gasoline around my neck and set my head on fire” has had me laughing for days. hahahaha

      • 

        Yes. Super-funny.

        And I feel like it’s bad that I laughed at: “My kid says I laugh at all my own jokes because I have no friends!”

        But I totally did. I think that dude is funny like mom.

      • 

        Matt, you have NO idea! I actually have a running Facebook status, “Conversations With Little Dude.” He’s that funny. And he has quite a fan club.

        He also charges me a dollar every time I mention him on my blog, or any form or social media. He made me sign a contract. True story.

      • 

        Smart like mom, too! 🙂

        Because he’s banking.

  41. 

    I bet Beth is somewhere cowering in a corner over this post title! I can’t think of any words off the top of my head that I a have a strong aversion to but I’ll be thinking about it now. I’ll have to come back if I think of anything.

    I can tell you that the pictures in this post are fairly disturbing….

  42. 

    I dislike ‘racism’, and ‘poverty’, and ‘inequality’ and ‘injustice’, and I’m doing the interview portion of my Miss America pageant so bear with me. Wish me luck!

  43. 

    I rather like the words ‘moist’ and ‘panties’ – but perhaps that is a gender thing (in other words I’m a sad old sexual deviant).

    I do have a negative reaction to ‘scrunch’

    • 

      Well, several of the men have reacted favorably to “moist” and “panties.” So it is a gender thing.
      Scrunch? Hmmm. Nope. That one doesn’t bother me.

  44. 

    My least favorite word is: Squat. It is just ugly to say. Plus, when people squat, it’s usually for a disgusting reason.

    • 

      It IS gross, isn’t it? However, I have to say, there is one reason to squat that isn’t disgusting. Squats done in the gym make for a very nice ass. I’ve heard.

  45. 

    Uber. Sounds pretentious and hipster. I hate the two little dots over the U.

  46. 

    OMG…are we sisters from other misters? Word aversion is a fantastic way to describe most of the words you just mentioned. Blog, moist and panties are in my top 10. Ewwww….I shudder to think what would happen if I were to blog in moist panties. It’d likely squelch my readers and leave me eating cumquats all by myself.

    EWWWWW!!!!!

    (Love you, Samara…makes me happy when I see a post in my inbox from you!)

  47. 

    Great post…these words don’t give me moist panties either…but then again, I don’t wear panties, so there! lol

  48. 

    For the love of all that’s holy, how did I miss this awesome post?! Oh, wait. I had begun reading it and my husband came home for lunch and I was so embarrassed to be caught out not only reading blogs, but reading what appeared to be hot girl-on-girl blogs that I quickly clicked to recipes for chicken pot pie.
    And my favorite vomit-in-your-mouth words? Moist lunch clump. I had a college roommate who would gag every time she heard that combo. In a sentence: let’s save the leftover chicken pot pie to be used later as a moist lunch clump.

    • 

      WHAT is moist lunch clump? Besides a nauseating string of three words?

      Although I suspect whatever it is, it would definitely be found in a chicken pot pie.

  49. 

    I don’t mind moist, the only reason I use panties is to torture my boys (“Be sure you change your panties.” “MOOOOOM BOYS DON’T WEAR PANTIES!” Whatever), but I really don’t like blog. It’s a stupid word, as much as anything else. I kind of like squelch. The word, not the feeling. Agree on the rest being either icky or unappealing. I spell kumquat with a K, so while that reference has occurred to me, I don’t find it a visually offensive word.

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