Moist Panties

October 7, 2014 — 171 Comments

wet underwear

I live in a world of words. My job immerses me in words; I write, I talk a lot and I have a kid who speaks non stop. There are words, however, that just make me want to hork.

I’m talking about words that actually make me feel queasy if I speak or even hear them. This is an actual phenomenon known as “word aversion.”

It’s not the same as “word rage,” which is anger you feel towards a word, because of what it represents. Like “webinar.” Don’t EVEN.

Or because it’s trendy and pretentious, like “multimedia-ist,” which apparently is the occupation of several people on Ello. If I was out and someone trying to pick me up told me he was a “multimedia-ist,” I’d punch him in the dick.

Word aversion occurs because the act of actually uttering the word makes you sick. It has to do with the connection of emotion, memory, sound and “mouthfeel” (mouthfeel – that’s a word I get word annoyance from. Not rage; just enough irritation to want to slap someone with a phone book.)

Evidently, the word most people feel aversion to is “moist,” which doesn’t bother me. Another word found universally revolting is “panties.”  Here’s where it gets complex.  Although I don’t find these words objectionable individually, combine them, and I’m repulsed. “Moist panties?” Gross. it sounds like a chick with a yeast infection.

 

Here are some of the words that make me want to throw up in your mouth:

1. Goiter

Definition: an enlargement of the thyroid gland on the front and sides of the neck.

This word has that horrible “oi” diphthong that makes you sound like you’re coughing up phlegm. It’s uglier than watching an elderly man keel over and die while eating deep fried bacon at a Cracker Barrel. Not only does it sound disgusting, it IS disgusting. It’s something your 100-year-old grandmother gets.

neck goiters

She looks like she’s pregnant with triplets and they’re climbing their way out through her throat. The upside to this mess is that she would be virtually impossible to strangle. So there’s that.

Sentence: Dude, my grandma’s goiter can kick your grandma’s goiter’s ASS!

2. Globose

Definition: Shaped like a globe

This is another one with a phlegmy diphthong; the “gl” sound is just nauseating. I thought it was a Pokémon character. When I googled “Globose+ Pokémon” I saw so many anime penises it actually put me into a cartoon phallic trance. I had to punch myself in the face to stop googling it.

It sounds like it would have something to do with male genitalia, doesn’t it? If it’s shaped like a globe, for the love of anal warts, just say “shaped like a globe!” No one uses this word unless you need to sound like an overly educated douchepuppet who scored a whopping 580 on the English portion of his SAT a hundred years ago.

And the images that come up when you google it:

xpaeoniifoliusGlobose_tn_jpg_pagespeed_ic_2vCievcMsJ

Amorphophallus paeoniifolius. A tropical tuber plant. But it looks like a dick.

 

Sentence: Dude, your grandma’s goiter is completely globose!

 

3. Cumquat

Does this really NEED an explanation?

This word is repugnant. Saying it makes my cervix go all crunchy.

It sounds like sad porno, like someone with a speech impediment tried to say “cum” and “twat” in a shitty Ampland video.

I didn’t google it, because I have learned, while innocently searching for birthday cake recipes on Tumblr in the wee hours of the night, that there are things on the Interwebs that my eyes CANNOT UNSEE.

THAT'S why you don't google it. You're welcome.

THAT’S why you don’t google it. You’re welcome.

 

Definition: a small, round or oblong citrus fruit having a sweet rind and acid pulp, used chiefly for preserves.
(And some really nasty ones if you look in Urban Dictionary.)

WHO would name a fruit this? If watermelons are full of water, what are cumquats full of?

Sentence: The sour, unappetizing globuse cumquats resembled your grandmother’s goiters.

 

4. Squelch

This is a tricky little bastard, this word. Because it has several meanings, thus raising the probability that this word cancer actually gets spoken. It rhymes with all manner of gross things, like belch, and felch.

Definition:

1. The nastified sound your shoes make when you walk through something nastified, like a puddle of dog pee.

2. The act of suppressing something or stopping something.

pumpkin

Let’s squelch all this pumpkin food everyone eats. It’s a GOURD.

 

Sentence: I had to squelch the urge to touch my grandmother’s goiters.

Let me state, for the record, that I am in total disagreement with my normally exalted reference source, Urban Dictionary. Squelch is NOT the sound a cherry chocha makes during intercourse. That is a queef.

5. Blog

This is a HORRIBLE word. It sounds like someone took a crap and it landed in your mouth and it DIED there.

In a study done in 2010 at Harvard which I made up, a team of researchers interviewed 1000 people regarding the word blog. 94%  thought it was a synonymous with “word vomit.” The other 6% were busy blogging about topics such as their love for Bruno Mars music and cosplay as Garfield the Cat.

blog

Oh, I have so many DEEP THOUGHTS, I should write a blog!

 

Definition: The thing you’re now reading.

It’s a good thing we’re voiceless, faceless dots on a screen. If I had to actually hear this word as often as I have to read it, I’d hang a tire filled with gasoline around my neck and set my head on fire.

Sentence: He wrote a great blog post about an anime grandmother who was still able to suck Globosuar’s dick, despite the presence of her triple neck goiter.

 

Do you have word aversion, or is this just the late night word vomit of an insomniac?
What words make you want to hurl?
Talk to me.  I’m listening (as long as you don’t say “moist panties.”)

Advertisements

171 responses to Moist Panties

  1. 

    Hi

    Oh

    The party’s not so much over as the previous occupant has up sticks and moved house.

    So. Forgive me for standing and chatting with myself

    Bad and foulest of words:

    Spunk. If. I. Ever. Get the option to remove a word this will be it!

    Servile.

    Suppuration.

    Abscesses

    Putting them together….and here you would have to imagine the narrator as a pock faced greasy slime bagged spittle gagging politician (are there any other kinds?)

    “…he squated servile , hot and sweating, suppurations of spunk extruding from rank abscesses…”

    Please pass the vomit bag

  2. 

    Congratulations Samara! Knock Knock http://wp.me/p33yiN-2qJ 2014 Thepublicblogger Awards Best Comedy Blog Post Nominee for ‘Moist Painties’

  3. 

    This is an epic post and I’m so glad I found you Samara!!!! My word aversion is to the word hate. I don’t say or use it in my home. It has a harsh sound and feeling to it, and makes my skin crawl. 😳 “if watermelons are full of water, what are cumquats filled with?” That line had me laughing hysterically this morning. Love it. 😃

  4. 

    I’ve always thought cumquat was weird. A combination of cum and squat? Or cum and quart? Yikes.

    However. Slither. There’s a word I really can’t stand.

    Wonderful post. 🙂

  5. 

    UGH! you just made me puke in my mouth a little.

  6. 

    Oh god. The pictures. Almost as bad as the words. Who came up with the word blog anyway. It’s a stupid name.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. Knock Knock | Kendall F. Person, thepublicblogger - November 7, 2014

    […] A Buick in the Land of Lexus Moist Painties written by Samara […]

  2. 2014 Best Comedy Blog Post – Decided by Popular Vote | The Neighborhood VIP Lounge - December 27, 2014

    […] A Buick in the Land of Lexus Moist Painties written by Samara […]

  3. SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT | Beth Teliho - April 20, 2015

    […] Sandy accidentally used the word “panties,” and Beth suffers from terrible word aversion. […]

When I see the orange light, I have a BLOGASM...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s