The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Oral Sex

September 16, 2014 — 122 Comments

banana (2)

My friend and her husband are ending their marriage over the most banal of issues – sex.

“But Samara, your marriage didn’t work out. Should you be passing judgement?”

Shut your pie hole! My marriage didn’t end because I wouldn’t blow my husband!

They’re ending their marriage because they are “sexually incompatible.” He wants her to do certain things that she hasn’t done since they were dating. He’s angry that she’s being “withholding.” She’s angry that he’s a “sex addict” (whatever THAT is).

Essentially, they are ending their marriage over blow jobs.

I do not profess to be a sexpert. However, If I were to write a manual on how to have a successful marriage, I would name it,

“Put Your Mouth On His Penis.”

Perhaps the ladies are not digging this. The guys probably are. Of course they want to read about how I’m ‘pro blow.’ But hear me out. This is not for them. It’s about keeping marriages alive.

For some reason, in the marital bed, blow jobs seems to go bye-bye. Not initially, but eventually. Life is stressful. The tub needs to be recaulked. The dog has gingivitis. You have to bail your kid out of jail.

Women work 24/7. Outside the home, inside the home – it never stops. The last thing some women feel like doing, during sex, is more work. And there’s a reason it’s called a “job.”

With intercourse, you can lay there and get intercoursed in a rather non participational way. And he’ll still be happy. What does he care? He just needed the valves cleaned out, even if you were reviewing the Christmas shopping list in your head. But a good blow job requires much more participation.

When you were first together, you used to bob some knob. Sex with him was new, and you were turned on enough to do just about anything. Now? Sex with him is predictable. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. The one thing I liked about The Ex was that he always knew how to get me there.  Almost as good as I could myself (I said almost).

But old sex lacks the fire of new sex. There is a quality called New Relationship Energy (NRE) that makes women do things they stop doing, eventually. You CAN’T. You just can’t stop smoking the pole because you’ve been married forever.

Here’s an analogy. Let’s say, you adore shoe shopping. Putting on new pair of shoes makes you feel limitless. Sexy. Powerful. Now imagine, every time you want to shoe shop, your husband says, “No.”

But, you tell him, “I need that. It makes me feel good. Plus, I earn my own money so this is a moot point.”

And he says, “No.”

“I don’t feel like it.”

“It’s not my thing.”

“I don’t enjoy picking pubic hairs out of my teeth.” (just go with it.)

Just accept the fact that even if you’ve been married forever, you have to slurp the gherkin once in a while. His birthday. New Year’s Eve. Columbus Day. Passover. Penguin Awareness Day.

Ladies, just suck it up. Pun intended.

Pretty much anything you do down there will work. But The Ex claimed I knew how to operate a joy stick – so, I will share.

This is not about oral as foreplay, but blow job as main event. An entire five paragraph persuasive essay – with an introduction, body paragraph, and a conclusion. The kind where you swallow.

FIRST:

MEN- CLEAN UP DOWN THERE!  We don’t need a big whiff of nasty undercarriage! If you want us to put our mouths on your penis, be hospitable!

Consider yourselves warned. Let us proceed:

 

1. A little eye contact goes a long way. Pull your hair back so he can watch. Put on a show. (Don’t roll your eyes and look aggravated. This is a mood breaker.)

2. Get your hands in on the action. The average mouth is 2-3 inches. The average penis is 5-6. Do the math, and call in for back up. And for Christ sake, wet your hands a little. Don’t dry rub the guy. You’re not at a Boy Scout Jamboree, trying to start a fire rubbing 2 sticks together.

3. It also helps to eliminate your gagging reflex completely. Of course, this is physically impossible. But a girl can try. Practice deep throating a cucumber.

4. NO TEETH. I know that some women do the whole “let me just graze it with my teeth” thing. HELL NO. Keep the chompers OFF. The perfect blow job would, in fact, be given by a gorgeous woman with removable dentures.

5. Have some idea of what kind of intensity your guy likes. Not everyone wants to be sucked like a Dyson upright (but a surprisingly large percentage do).

6. Don’t forget the twins. Cup them. Fondle them. Gently. Don’t throw them around like you’re rolling dice in a Vegas crap game.

7. Hum. Why do you think they call it a hummer? Hum a little tune while he’s in your mouth. Nothing complicated. I like “Ave Maria.” Go for seasonal. Maybe some Christmas carols.

8. Swirl your tongue around on the coronal ridge – the part where the shaft meets the head. It’s extremely sensitive. Covered in nerve endings. So, go lightly. Otherwise, it’s like clamping two jumper cables to his tender sack.

9. If you’re feeling really adventurous, go for the perineum. The taint. The little area just past the family jewels. This is dangerously close to Butt Stuff, so take it slow with your man.

 

I strongly advocate the Power of the Blow Job. When I was married, I could pretty much get The Ex to agree to do anything after I’d blown him.

Me: “Honey, would you mind replacing the roof and repainting every room in the house?”

Him: (post blow job) “Sure, babe.”

And the whole gift thing? Pfft. Forget that. Every other wife is running around, pushing through crowded department stores trying to find him the perfect birthday gift for the umpteenth time. I NEVER had to do that.

I just had to brush my teeth.

The Ex always tells our son he fell madly in love with me because of my cooking. I love to cook. I own tons of cookbooks. I’m very domestic. I know – totally incongruous with many aspects of my personality, but true, nevertheless. I actually own an amazing collection of Julia Child videos from her 1960’s television show “The French Chef,” which I got on Amazon.

The first time I cooked dinner for the EX, I agonized over the menu. It had to be perfect. For dessert, I made Julia Child’s internationally famous chocolate souffles. These exuberantly rich gravity-defying bites of chocolaty heaven are an ambitious endeavor. And painstakingly intense to time. I wenmaking sure the souffles would come out of the oven at the precise right moment.

And where do you think they ended up? In the bedroom, all over us. Him, specifically. I basically licked the damn souffle off Mr. Winky. All that work was WASTED.  I could just have easily bought a few Dunkin Donuts and played “Ring Toss the Boom Stick.”

Incidentally, I don’t really think he married me for my cooking. I think that’s something he tells Little Dude. Cause it’s not nice to tell a 12 year-old, “Son, Mama sure can suck the chrome off a tail pipe!”

But –  maybe it was my cooking. Either way, whether it was my cooking, or my blow jobs, as Julia would say:

Bon Appetit!

Do couples forget to please each other after they’ve been married a long time?  
Is Julia Child not the wackiest broad on television?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

 

Advertisements

122 responses to The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Oral Sex

  1. 

    Sister, you are asking for it with this one. Get ready for the deluge. Especially with those meta tags! Yikes!

    I never wanted it if the girl wasn’t into it (which happened a lot). Being accommodated feels too much like rape to me. I get it. cocks are disgusting. I wouldn’t want one in my mouth, either. Now…poussay. That’s a different story. Nummy.

    Take my word for it…being intercoursed in a rather non-participational way has all the fun and passion of a routine medical procedure. No, thank you.

    Glad you mentioned hum. That’s key, for some reason. Sensory overload, I suppose.

    • 

      YOU have an oral fixation. Who asked you about poussay? And after licking the apple pie I posted on Thanksgiving? Stop. It.

      Accommodating is nothing like rape. If you don’t think The Wife checks out occasionally when you’re slipping her the high hard one, you just keep living in denial. Let me know how the flying unicorns look.

      Wait, why am I asking for it? I thought this was funny! Le Clown told me to write what I feel, and I feel it’s dumb to end a marriage over oral sex. Now I’m getting mixed messages. And what’s wrong with the tags? That’s only half the names I came up with for BJs. Someone’d better school me on this, quick!

  2. 

    This is amazing, and you are amazing, and I will read everything you write – even if (sadly) it isn’t always flush with phrases like “slurp the gherkin.”

    But seriously. I have a question: I’m an advocate of the loving BJ. But my jaw gives out after about 8 minutes of serious suction. It takes my husband longer than that to get his happies, unless it’s been a really long time. So… got any hot tips for oral endurance training? BJ Boot Camp, if you will?

    • 

      Jennie-
      Thank you so much for reading, for commenting, and for following! I will be making my way to your blog shortly!

      As for your husband – I really am not a sexpert, which I wrote. BJ Boot Camp, indeed!

      But if you’re timing it, you’re not having fun – so stop, and play switchies!

      • 

        Fair enough, fair enough. And we do play – it’s not a chore – it’s more that I’m stubborn as shit, and feel like a weenie when I can’t hold out! I mean, I ran a freaking marathon. 😉

      • 

        Jennie-
        Forget the BJs-
        I am on your blog and I AM IN LOVE.
        You’re my new girl crush.
        I can’t believe you found me.
        You’re the type of writer who inspires me. You’re why I write.
        This makes me very happy!

      • 

        TRUE LOVE is better than BJs any day. Bring it on!!

        I am able to sustain my dozens of people-crushes all at once, so I’ll add you to the collection. Wanna get dizzy reading each others’ words and then fall down in some leaves? It is Fall, after all. 🙂 Thanks for the love!

      • 

        yes, yes and yes!

        and love is easy to give when reading a blog like yours, and I mean that. thank you.

      • 

        TRUE LOVE might be better, but BJs are running a very close second place.

      • 

        Mark, you are hilarious!

        The way you just pop up in the middle of of my love fest with Jennie – classic. Are you this funny in person?

      • 

        Charm to spare, although some people find me obnoxious. Can you believe that shit?

      • 

        No. They are assholes.
        And how would you know this? Remember – it’s none of your business what people think of you.

    • 

      Lol. The girl love you two are having is very arising. Great post. Very obvious that you’ve done this a time or two. Oh, and I really like Hostess Cupcakes.

      • 

        Jennie is beautiful – I would consider myself lucky if she would let me be her sister wife. I don’t think that will happen.

        The entire post is based merely on speculation and bits of conversations I’ve overheard.

        Forget Hostess! If you continue to read and comment, I can be convinced to mail you Christmas cookies. For those adorable children of yours.

        Thanks for the follow! It’s an honor, coming from a Superstar such as yourself!

      • 

        The cream filling seems especially pertinent to this conversation…

      • 

        Jennie!! I was just thinking of you and that I want to email you and figure how we can begin Jennie and Samara’s Excellent Adventure!!

        Oh, Writing Goddess! I don’t mean to sound all star struck, but I have somehow found some A-MAZ-ING writers here on wp.

        Lovin’ life right now.

      • 

        I know, right?! I read less literature these days because I’m so freaking stimulated by WordPress authors. (See what I did there?) And I am SO DOWN for a slightly illegal, sister-wives road trip ending a la Thelma and Louise, but with less death and more excellence! Don can come if he brings Hostess cupcakes.

      • 

        Waaay less death!! But definitely with a young, pre Angelina Brad Pitt. And robbing stores.

        I would post about my predilection for shop lifting, but I don’t want to go and get Freshly Pressed. It would ruin my entire image.

    • 

      Mark – your comedic conversation timing gave me a total Xander vibe. Which means I now have a crush on you, too. Damn it! I’m running out of hours in the day to daydream about people I’ve never met…

      • 

        Jennie-
        Mark is very day-dreamable. He is brilliant. He writes about all the best writers. He loves art and theatre.

        He is also easy on the eyes. Is that okay to say? Female bloggers may not like to have the men say these kinds of things about them.

        Except, isn’t it hilarious when they post pictures of themselves, like laying in bed and whatnot, and then act all flustered when they’re told they’re attractive? Like, why else did you pick THAT photo? Duh.

        Sorry. That was a true Donofalltrades digression. It must be exhausting to be him. Pass me a Hostess cupcake immediately!

      • 

        Sister-wife, it’s already in your hand.

  3. 

    I don’t know how to express how awesome you are for writing this. Just for the record, I love giving blow jobs. How does a woman NOT feel like a goddess when she has a man’s dick between her teeth?

    • 

      I’m sure your man loves that you love that!
      But not the teeth – never the teeth!

      We are psychically linked – I am on your blog. That’s a bit freaky!!

  4. 

    OMG! Loved this post! As much as women turn up their noses at the mention of BJs in public. I’m SURE there’s a lot more of it going down in their bedrooms than they’re letting on. Women are conditioned to expound on the “Eeuuwww Factor”, but secretly…. I’m just sayin’. Don’t knock it til you’ve tried it. LOL!

    • 

      Chery-
      Thank you so much for taking the time to read, and to comment. I so appreciate the support!

      Do women turn their noses up at BJs in public? That’s silly! I mean, especially if they’re actually doing it! Why hide it? Embrace it! It’s perfectly natural – it’s a part of sex, which is a part of life – I mean, we don’t have to run around screaming it at the top of our lungs (which I suppose it what I did, essentially) but I don’t know what there is to hide. Especially since men say it feels so good.

      Interesting that only one man has weighed in here – it’s been all women. And I thought it would be the other way around. I was wrong. Le Clown was right!

      As soon as I can, I’m headed your way –

  5. 

    My friend, you are genuinely awesome for this post. You are my new hero hereabouts.

    • 

      Why, thank you!

      Trent, your writing skills are second to none. Even your comments in Le Clown’s blog are better than most blog posts. True that.

      So hearing that I’m your hero – that’s something!

      Meanwhile, there have only been 2 men who have been brave enough to comment – and you’re half of them!

      Prevail together!!!

      • 

        Best, most original post I’ve read in so so long, and unabashedly brazen to boot. This made my day. I can only read so much about how people feel about their cats or how angry they are at everything. Something kind of joyous about this post. I think I will actually share with my wife, who never reads blog posts. Exceptional. Bang the drum – it will be the sound of us prevailing together.

        So good question about the guys – where are they? Is oral sex suddenly taboo? Totally weird.

      • 

        Actually, it’s not just the guys.

        Not too many have weighed in here on this one. I got 10 times as many comments on Fame Whore.

        Hmmm. I guess I touched a nerve? Was in bad taste? Bored people? Annoyed people? Can’t worry about that. I’m onto half a dozen other posts.

        Yes, I was going for joyous. Thank you for getting that!

      • 

        I think possibly it’s just easier for people to digest stuff that’s sort of meant to be digested; that’s designed to be digested. Yours is a challenge, and while that may not at times be comfortable, it’s originality is meaningful.

        I got no answers. But I truly mean it, you’re an inspiration – this took balls (so to speak). I find I constantly shy away from writing and topics that I think might put people off, but when I really reflect on that, I know it’s a mistake. You have to get out what’s in you. Whatever it is. I give standing o for this post, so damn original and bold. Bravo.

      • 

        That, from you, was worth 1000 likes. That’s how highly I think of your writing, my friend.

      • 

        You’re too kind, really. Virtual chest bump on its way.

  6. 

    In my experience, you are absolutely 100% right. But I believe cunnilingus is also a wonderful thing. And a Hitachi Magic Wand.

    Cimmy isn’t much of a cook, but, she bakes. OH how well she bakes. Didn’t realize how awesome homemade bread could be until she made some 100% by hand. (My mother always overkneaded, so I got sandwiches on bread with heavy bubble crusts, with short slices.) Her pies… oh oh oh… you saw the pictures, right? That pecan pie especially… wow.

    Yeah, okay, she took my heart by way of my stomach as well as… you know.

    • 

      Our very first holiday together, I baked my christmas cookies (I’m a jew, but I do cookies).

      And The Ex took one bite, and said, “I haven’t had cookies like this since my grandmother died.”

      So, it was partly his stomach as well. He and my son are obsessed with my cooking and baking.

      • 

        How sweet.

        I have Jewish friends, some of whom observe Christmas– cookies are nice. One was a co-worker, and the missus helped me make her a nice loaf of challah.

        Sounds like your ex and son have good reasons to be obsessed!

  7. 

    Ach, sex breaks up so many relationships and all because people don’t know how to talk to each other and hate talking about sex. Pfft. I hope posts like this help… in fact, I’m sure they do. They probably keep more compatible people together than long long posts on love and roses. Loved the humor, loved the truth– and loved the Julia Child video, ha! 🙂

    • 

      Julia Child was adorable. So funny. So kooky. What a great video!

      I can’t believe my friends won’t try and fix this. It just seems ridiculous. But then again, I don’t live in their house,so what do I know?

  8. 

    I loved it!

  9. 

    For my inaugural comment here, I needed to choose your blowjob post. I’m not sure why chicks shy away from giving a good hummer, because I’ve met very very very few guys who don’t become putty in the hands after getting one. Literally and figuratively. Although I have to admit that it would be much easier if my teeth were removable. Not that I don’t enjoy my teeth, but I dream of the day when I’m an old broad with dentures. Then I can really go to town with the meat worship.

    • 

      Something to look forward to in our old age…removable dentures.
      “meat worship” – nobody turns a phrase quite like you, madame weebles.

      • 

        Why thank you, ma’am.

        Yes, toothless fellatio is something I look forward to in old age, provided I don’t fall asleep in the middle or forget where I am or what I’m doing or something. That could be sort of awkward.

  10. 

    Erm… could you please send a copy of this post to every woman on the planet? That would be great 😀

  11. 

    Thank you. You posted this right at a time when I needed reminding of the benefits of the blow job . I think you saved my marriage.

    • 

      You are most welcome. They come in especially handy during the holiday season. And yes, I would like to think that my friends could have worked out their marital differences about sex. And if this any way helped your marriage, yay!! Thanks for reading and for commenting!

  12. 

    *grinning* Oh this post was a blast! And I see it actually posted on 12/4 – my Birthday!
    I am so loving your blog right now. This is the 3rd post I’ve read and I can tell I’m going to HAVE to follow you. Thanks for finding me.

  13. 

    After reading very honest accounts of other people’s sex lives, I’m often reminded of my early morning strolls by Bergdorf Goodman… exotic and distant. I’m not trying to draw another City parallel on you, but think there’s something about your delivery that reminds me so much of it.

    For what it’s worth, I never cared for fellatio, myself. It seems disrespectful.

    • 

      Nate – I was just trying to have a little fun. But if a women isn’t that into it, then pushing her would be disrespectful.
      However, enjoying consensual sex between two loving, married adults, I don’t think would be disrespectful.
      Again, it’s a highly personal thing. Very subjective. Like most things in life. Thanks for reading, and for your point of view, which I respect.

  14. 

    I love your honesty! And thanks for sharing the Julia Child video. It was awesome!

    • 

      Hi smitten –
      Can you believe I just read this comment NOW? How did I overlook a comment on my favorite post!
      Julia is fantastic! I love to cook, but she makes me laugh at her kookiness.

      I’m so grateful you took the time to read, and to comment!

  15. 

    I actually read this last night but was too lazy to log back in to comment. Another classic.

    I’m getting there…

  16. 

    I just discovered your blog and I now have a total girl crush on you. If you are taking applications for more sister wives, let me know. This is brilliant and funny. Last month some friends and I were talking about how the “keep your man happy” advice years ago used to be “give him a blowjob a week (at least!)”…and that there was definitely something to the advice! I ended up in a long, sexless marriage that I now know was partly the result of letting lots of crap get in the way of having sex, giving blowjobs, etc., all the time.

  17. 

    The oral is nice…to give and receive. I don’t think it’s a job at all. It can be a nice change of pace from the midget porn and ceiling swing that you are use too.

  18. 

    Reblogged this on Good Black Loving and commented:
    I happen to love this. Read away.

  19. 

    I find it humorous that, until right now, this blog post had 69 comments…

    And now, having been married for 2 years next week, I can definitely verify that a little bit of tongue goes a long, long way. And I’m definitely the one who started it. I have the feeling he might not have asked for it, out of courtesy, although he may have secretly wanted it all along.

    It’s weird…I’m starting to realize how lucky I am to have a relationship where we don’t actually need to discuss what we want or need most of the time – we’re already just kinda there as far as needing the same things so that everyone is happy.

    I DO wish that the V was as easy to navigate as the P, but it has gotten SO much better. Maybe cause I showed him one of those maps you featured not too long ago. 😉

    Ah, sex blogs. So educa-taining.

    • 

      YOU are fantastic. Because, yes, I DID notice there were 69 comments on this post and purposely did not mention that on my FB post. I didn’t want to seem like more of a freak than I already do!

      Ahh, the map! I’m having those printed up in wallet size.

      Sex blog? Okay, but surely it made you laugh!! I hope. I am trying for funny. If you want *just* sex, you’ll have to visit my other blog…

  20. 

    this is a serious warning to the men out there . . . My wife and I are in our seventies now, still smoking and partying like in the hippie days . . .
    well about a year ago I made the huge mistake of declaring after a great roust about on the library floor of our cabin . . . “Oh my God!! That was sosoo good! . . . I thought I was going to have a heart attack!”

    Now I had already had a dbl bypass, two stents, and an angioplasty. She took it to heart and that was the day I sang “By BY Miss American Pie . . . the levy went dry and I’ll regret saying that till the day I die!

  21. 

    Absolutely perfect and very true

  22. 

    and then on da’ flip side dere is ” Clitorivore “

  23. 

    You’ve pretty much described my marriage in a nutshell. Things we did before marriage are but a figment of my imagination these days. And you’re right, be a little “daring” in bed. Imagine the possibility of sex somewhere other than in bed at 11:00 at night. And, yes, a little oral sex every now and then can go a long ways to improving my mood. It’s sad in some ways that that is reality, but it is. I think your shoe shopping analogy is perfect. There is this point at which most married couples seem to stop recognizing that they still need to please their spouses. Wife: If I just clean the house and cook his meals, that’s enough, isn’t it? Husband: if I bring home the bacon and mow the lawn on weekends, can’t I just sit in front of the TV the rest of the time? Oddly enough, by the way, I’m not the one that sits in front of the TV all day long. 😉 Because of certain dynamics in my marriage, oral sex has become a marking point … to me, it shows that she is finally starting to break down the walls she helped build up, that she may finally, after all these years, be getting comfortable with me and what my needs and wants are. It’s not oral sex for the sake of oral sex, it’s what it might symbolize if it were to actually happen again.

  24. 

    Bravo. It’s really simple. Suck my dick, tickle my balls, make me a sandwich and don’t talk so much.

  25. 

    Okay… I’m blushing… are you happy now…

  26. 

    First of all, did I just read up there in the comments where you and Jennie met? It’s so romantic and perfect that you met over blow jobs.

    Second, this couldn’t have been reposted at a better time. My best friend just called me last week because she and her husband have this bet going (too long of a story to explain), and she lost, thus landing herself in seven days of full finish blow jobs, so who does she call for pointers? The girl whose husband is the happiest on the block because they aren’t something he just receives on holidays or birthdays. They’re convenient, and I can knock it out in less than 5 minutes. *bows* Your tips are spot on…

    After our talk, she begged me to blog my pointers, but I don’t know if it’s fair to the world to share my expertise.

    Women need to quit being so uptight. You’re right about a lot of things. My personal opinion is that keeping a man happy in the bedroom also keeps the wife happy, but apparently, I’m not the typical wife.

    If I were only as brave as you, my love to write about it!

    • 

      YES!! This is THE post where I met and fell in love with Jennie! I started reading her blog and in these comments I ask her to be my Sisterwife!
      (And of course Don Re kept interjecting)

      Mandi, I deleted a paragraph in which I say that I’m only writing about this because my mentor encouraged me to write about every thing I felt I had something to say. I made a few quips about him, as well. But he is why this post exists. He wanted me to stay true to myself, always, and writing anonymously affords me that.

      He’s actually why this blog exists at all.

      It’s so easy for people in a marriage to make one another happy. We’re talking 5 minutes here, right? You go, girl!
      xoxo

  27. 

    What? Seriously? I didn’t comment on this the first time around? Shame on me. Bad Jester. Bad Matticus.
    Well, I’m here now. And arguably, that might mean more. I’m not really sure. I’m not sure of much these days. I can only blame the Little Prince for some of that.
    Moving on…
    Thanks for the laughs and advice and for tackling a subject that too many of us have deemed taboo. You. Are. Amazing.

    • 

      I deleted a paragraph, in which I say that the only reason this post exists is because my mentor urged me to write it. He said, if it’s your truth, speak your truth. So he’s really why I had the guts to do that, and every other taboo-breaking post after.

      So glad to see your face. I’m not sure of much either these days. I’ll have to send you an email. Life is strange these days and that seems to be going around…

      • 

        The strange is catching? We must find the source and eradicate it so our lives can go back to routine, normal, boring…
        Hmm… Is that really what we want?
        I suppose while I complain about change, it is the spice that keeps things interesting. I may not be happy about it now, but that too will change as my new truths take shape.
        I’ll be on the lookout for your email.

  28. 

    I read this to Mr. B. That’s B for Brickhouse, not… 🙂

  29. 

    Taboo my ass! You deserve a thousand orange-light-blogasms just for writing this one, Samara! You’re awesome 😀

    • 

      Awwww! Thank you!

      I had a blast writing it, back in the day! I don’t seem to have as much fun blogging these days as I did when I wrote this.

      Hmmmm. Maybe I ought to stick with certain subjects…

  30. 

    Oh YES! It’s just too sad that lack of BJs broke up a marriage. I recently posted something of the sort myself. But yours is a super fun, really interesting post, loved it!

  31. 

    You rocked this post so hard — I really liked how you gave it straight. Yes ma’am, us husbands like blowjobs and good cooking. But we’re willing to let the good cooking go, because there’s always quick stuff to cook up. You can’t buy blowjobs at the grocery store. Great post!

    • 

      Hi, welcome to my crazy blog!

      I totally agree. Or, as my Ex used to say, if it’s not being served in his own kitchen, a man will go out to eat.

      It’s about people doing things to make each other happy in a marriage. Sometimes, it’s something that takes 10 minutes! Just work on making each other happy!

      Thank you for finding your way to my blog. I’m so glad you did. xoxoxo

  32. 

    I’ve been married for four years and the blow jobs are few and far between. You, my dear, have made a strong and compelling argument for giving hubs a bit more oral lovin’. I just can’t swallow. That is guaranteed to make me gag and potentially hurl. But giving him a good sucky sucky? Oh it’s on.

    • 

      Yay! Just work it! You can be done in 10 minutes, tops! And then, my sister, he’ll be putty in your hands!

      It sometimes takes little things to make our spouses happy. Lets hear it for happy marriages!

  33. 

    Reblogged this on KiwiFruit and commented:
    Sure is..

  34. 

    LoL! absolutely right…. And you forgot to mention that is really nice to have your man at your absolute mercy since is so engulfed in pleasure….

  35. 

    Great post!!! Loved Julia, as well. What a treasure she was! It’s too bad that a marriage can fall apart over sex but in mho, it’s pretty important, and the lack thereof, BJs included, is a bad sign, an indicator of much worse other stuff.

    Missed reading your posts – am trying to catch up after a medical hiatus that was followed by a Christmas hiatus. Happy New Year, btw. 🙂

  36. 

    I love your posts! They make me so happy to read, and remind me of a time not so long ago when I could juggle three lovers at a time and get paid in mobile homes and latex as thanks. The good old days. You’re absolutely right- men don’t want a nice sweater, new socks or boxers (even if the ones they own are ten years old and have more holes in them than a wedge of Swiss cheese…the smell may be similar as well.) All they want is a blow job. They’ll accept infrequent sex for a short time, but unless you are an inpatient at the hospital or recovering from brain surgery (lucky me!) you will make your man happy and eager to do your bidding if you unleash the power of the blow job on him, at least, as Samara recommended on major and made-up holidays. The same applies to women that know how to strap one on and men that prefer to be on the sucking-not sucked-end. Blow jobs save relationships and occasionally decade old marriages too!

  37. 

    I loved rereading this. It is very accurate, and filled with light hearted whimsy. Thank you for your follow Ms Samara… grrrrr

  38. 

    Thank you so much for this. Very entertaining and informative. A girl can never have enough blowjob tips and techniques to try out on guys.

    I couldn’t agree more. And I’m not even married. But I have noticed that blowjobs are great for any relationship with guys. Even friendships.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. A New Year’s SUNSHINE Award – Cause I’m Just So Goddamn Adorable! | A Buick in the Land of Lexus - January 1, 2014

    […] Wait – Tara – do you mean me? Samara, who posts about strip clubs? Blow Jobs?  Heroin? […]

  2. In Which I Decide Not to Stop Blogging « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - February 6, 2014

    […] on the subject, I know blowjobs. But I’m only mentioning it because I’ve already blogged about it. And because now my real life girlfriends are following me, and if I don’t give it a hey now, […]

  3. The SLUT MOM Blog « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - March 7, 2014

    […] already covered blow jays . And even if I enjoy giving them, it is a job to make sure that you get to feel like Christmas […]

  4. That Time I Found Out We Were Sexting the Same Guy « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - November 21, 2014

    […] many; I just don’t attract them (jeez, I wonder why? Maybe it’s because I blog about blow jobs and dildos and sluts, oh […]

  5. Punk Rock MILF « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - July 14, 2015

    […] I usually keep quiet during these discussions, unless blow jobs are being discussed. I’m enthusiastically pro-blow and try to put in a good word for checking the mic ever since a friends marriage broke up, over blow jobs. […]

  6. The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Oral Sex | kennethandrebrownsr - August 27, 2015

    […] Source: The Way to a Man’s Heart is Through Oral Sex […]

  7. And the Wind Cries . . . Samara | Cellulite Looks Better Tan - September 9, 2015

    […] has taught me many valuable lessons about life. I’ve viewed a tragedy from another person’s perspective. I’ve felt a […]

When I see the orange light, I have a BLOGASM...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s