21 Tips on How to Be a Perfect Girlfriend For Your Guy

July 30, 2014 — 197 Comments

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I recently came upon an article, “21 tips On How to be a Perfect Girlfriend for your Guy.”

Women already work for less money than men, made the diet industry worth a gazillion dollars so we can be someone else’s idea of beautiful, and watch porn to learn how to completely suppress our gagging reflexes.

Why not also mold yourself into a brainless Malibu Barbie?

Want to know how painful it is to get anal, jailhouse style? Read these. I added my responses.

 

1. Look great for him. Men are visual.

Yes, that’s why he’s addicted to YouPorn. Unless you have another chick and can deep throat a python, you lose.

And what about how jacked up he looks? Splashing your dick in the sink to get a blow jay does not count as hygiene.

2. Smell Great for him.

Never mind that sleeping in the same room with my Ex was like Weekend At Auschwitz. Welcome to the Gas Chamber. Between him and my son I risked asphyxiation daily.

3.  Stop nagging and complaining.

I’m sure you’d love it if the only tine I opened my mouth was to fellate you. I wouldn’t nag you if the garage didn’t look like we stumbled onto an episode of Hoarders, what with that important paperwork from the 80’s and all.

4. Love him. More than anything.

Ohhh, now we’re trapped in an Erectile Dysfunction commercial. The gorgeous mature couple are laughing and frolicking on the beach and it doesn’t matter that he hasn’t slipped her the high hard one since the Bush administration.

Fuck that. Smother him in his sleep and sport fuck the 25-year-old trainers at the gym. They get hard ons when someone opens a can of tuna.

5. Love Yourself. Be secure and radiate positive energy, smile every day.

Better yet, VERY SINGLE SECOND. Pop Xanax like Tic Tacs so you can resemble an escaped mental patient.

6.  Be devoted.

Focus your energy obsessively on him until he’s at the point where he fantasizes waterboarding you.

Blind devotion is creepy. The next thing you know you’ve given away all your worldly possessions, shaved your head and you’re dancing around Los Angeles International Airport playing your karatala with Hare Krishnas.

7. Like his friends.

Even if they’re imbeciles, like his best friend who tried to finger bang you in the kitchen during Super Bowl Sunday. And then peed on your floor.

8. Be a sex goddess.

Did they really tell you to fulfill all his fantasies? Do they know he’s into acrotomophilia? (sexual attraction to amputees) Are you gonna chop your legs off for this motherfucker? And never shoe shop again?

And you forget you chopped off your legs, and you wake up Friday morning, all, “Hey, it’s the weekend, I’m gonna go dancing!” and then you are like, “Ohh. That’s right. I can never dance again because I have no legs.

9.  Cook well. Or at least try.

I happen to love to cook. It relaxes me. But a lot of women DO NOT.

So, if he’s an asshole,  poison him slowly, over a month. Just put traces of cyanide in his food as he grows progressively weaker. Then one day, he keels over.

Bon appetit, jizztrumpet!

10. Love is in the details. Give him gifts, massage and pamper him.

I’m not gonna massage your hairy back, Sasquatch. If you’re nice I’ll give you a handjob – that counts as a massage in my book.

11. Appreciate him.

Yes, because it’s so nice of him to hold your hair back during his morning blow job.

12. Stroke his ego.

Because his narcissism has only partially destroyed you. Let’s feed that monster until your soul is crushed irreparably.

13. Make him feel like a man.

I have a better idea. Why don’t you just come fully formed as one already? How long do you get to be a boy? Isn’t there an expiration date on that shit?

You get to put your dick in my vagina. If that isn’t manly enough for you, then go build something. Or kill a deer.

14. Help him grow by being his partner, not his enemy. Help him fulfill his potential, maybe even his destiny.

Well, aren’t WE lofty. You neglect your dreams and ambitions and pour all your energy into someone who will exploit you.

This is straight out of the Ike Turner “How to Treat A Bitch handbook.

15. Have a life and a passion.

Not so that YOU can flourish. But to be a better girlfriend for HIM.

Hear that horrible creaking death rattle? That’s Betty Friedan rolling over in her grave.

16. Be better than all of his ex’s combined.

As if women aren’t competitive enough. But you’re the new and improved version. Which means you have to pay the price for every crazy bitch his dick ever fell into.

17. Give him space.

Sure, give him space, give him the whole galaxy. Just know that what he’s doing with that space is fucking your friends.

18. Have a pleasing personality.

Is it just me, or does this one just makes you want to bludgeon him to death with your own amputated leg? (see #8) How about if I stick you in a cage, cover you in birdseed and let a bunch of agitated birds peck the shit out of you? Does that please you?

19. Don’t take him for granted; don’t be lazy.

Never mind that his toenails are a deadly weapon and his inner ears are dotted with sexy blackheads. Or that he thinks a date is him belching to Netflix.

20. Work out regularly.

Guess what? This has everything to do with me wanting to be strong and nothing to do with looking good for you. Doesn’t this work both ways? I don’t appreciate having to lift your stomach with both hands to find your dick.

21. Be feminine.

How about I grab this girly feminine pink pistol I purchased and shoot you in the throat? I’m pretty sure that’s legal in the South.

 

There was actually more advice, but I can’t continue. I need to do something less excruciating, so I’ll be giving myself a urethral catheter.

 

Do you have other suggestions on how to be the perfect girlfriend?
Does this article make you want to projectile vomit?
Talk to me. I’m listening. 

Join me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, so I can have friends without leaving the house. 

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197 responses to 21 Tips on How to Be a Perfect Girlfriend For Your Guy

  1. 

    Dichotomous paradigmatic hilarity.

    I know I know I’m a pompous ‘a’ But hey I’m only a bloke. A society of oneness. An average mess of meandering mediocrity. A has been biological functionary. Depleted, supplanted, discarded, recanted. An almost has been, but couldnt get round-to-it. Sh1t.

    Your words give me the thrills.

    And. Ive repetitive stress injuries from swiping down to the bottom of your comments. You should start charging for access

    ::laughing out loud for soo many reasons::

    Blinding, ear splitting brilliance Samara

  2. 

    Ohmyfuckinggahhhhd. Your responses may be the best ones in recorded history! I love you even more now, and I’m still laughing at “If that isn’t manly enough for you, then go build something. Or kill a deer.” Basically I want to cut and paste your entire post because that’s how much I laughed my ass off : ) You’re awesome!

  3. 

    You know, you fucking scare me, and that’s 99% honesty. The other 1% is benefit of the doubt. And if we ever meet, don’t cook for me any of your mercury meatloaf. I’ll pass, you poisoner jerk!

    This was pretty funny, Samurai. Fvv.

    • 

      Scary? MOI?
      I’m a pussy cat in real life.
      And I happen to adore men. (Too much).

      I love the nickname Samurai! All my favorite people have nicknames for me.
      Common decency prevents me from listing them here, but give me a coupla shots of tequila and all bets are off.

  4. 
    Things I Think. August 7, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    You know when you can smell the “moms basement” on a list. This shit reeks of weakness and heartbreak.

    “I’ll show you Alison, here’s a list of all the ways you should have *sniff* been a perfect woman for me *sniff*”

    Dickhead.

    • 

      Be still, my heart!
      You are on MY blog? I feel like a celebrity just walked in the room.

      Ohh, wait – are you Van the First? Hot damn, you’re funny. Now we get to be friends. I like funny. I will visit your blog as soon as I stop lying and telling you that.

  5. 

    21 tips that could easily be replaced by ‘only exist for your boyfriend’. Strange thing that ‘never have your period’ isn’t on the list though…

    • 

      Right? What is it about that that skeeves men out so much. Get a few women taking about their menstrual cycles and you’ll clear the room of men…

  6. 

    You had me from the beginning with, “Splashing your dick in the sink to get a blow jay does not count as hygiene.” Your responses to the “suggestions” were fab. 🙂

  7. 

    I was thinking two things when I was reading the original article:
    1) what does Jason have to offer to this perfect girlfriend, besides being able to count to 21?
    2) This feels like the list was supposed to end with something like, “and when your boyfriend leaves you for someone with bigger boobs, say ‘thank you, master’, teach his new girlfriend everything you know, and keep your evenings open in case he texts you on a late night drunk booty call for old times’ sake. Oh, and don’t forget to keep going to the gym and smelling nice.”

  8. 

    Every. Single. Time. You make me snort laugh!

  9. 

    I love you Samara and your tell it like it is style. I’ve read articles like that and they make me cringe. A 1950’s housewife I am not, not ever shall be. Spot on with your feedback now that’s the kind of list post I’m talking about. 😃

  10. 

    you are nuts, keep that shit up.

  11. 

    So, was the followup article “How To Be A Trophy Wife”? You had be just cracking up all through. Keep being a Hard Headed Woman!

  12. 

    Reblogged this on cabbagesandkings524 and commented:
    So funny it hurts

  13. 

    They get hardons when someone opens a can of tuna.

    You won the internets today.

  14. 

    I tried my best not to – in some desperate defence of my maleness – but I laughed all the way through that ruthless assault. And I too loved the ‘tuna’ reference.

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