I MURDERED a Dance Mom!

May 27, 2014 — 172 Comments


Not just ANY dance mom.

She was a “DefCon One, Maximum Readiness” Dance Mom.

(DefCon One is actually the highest level, NOT five as is commonly thought. I check these things here because in the wee hours of the night, I worry for our nation’s safety.)

You’re welcome.

This species can be identified by copious amounts of makeup, an overabundance of cleavage, high heels completely unsuitable for dashing around backstage, and clothes flashing enough bling to give you a cluster headache.

They’re the ones timing, in seconds, the amount of time their kid has dancing front row center.

And keep records of how much this is in comparison to the other dancers.



I WISH I was kidding about this


Little Dude studies Hip Hop dance.

I got tired of him “break his neck” dancing in my family room, so I suggested a class.

Out went basketball, in came dance.

I struggled with that a bit.

We have a basketball hoop in our driveway, and I ENJOYED the 12 inch height advantage playing hoops with him.


I don’t cut it as a dance mom. (Did I even have to write that?)

It’s not just that the typical dance mom is as annoying as a painful rectal itch.

I work; often, during the same hours he takes classes.

I can’t sit in the studio, glued to a monitor, salivating over his every move.

Even when I can, I don’t. I HAVE SHIT TO DO.

I have no interest in living vicariously through him.

It’s enough I’ve given him a permanent twitch I’m über invested in him academically.

I harbor no delusions that he’s going to MAKE it on Broadway.


I don’t even know these batshit-crazy whooty-whore Dance Moms.

Someone else drops him off. And when I pick him up, the last thing I want to do is make small talk with a Dance Mom.

It’s like interacting with an endless loop about finding good help, and how her bikini wax burned her beef curtains.

It’s not that I find them Loathsome and Soulless.

It’s that they ARE.

So, I wait in the car.



The recital was this past Saturday.

Before I describe THAT debacle, you need the proper context.

The school is run by 2 frazzled overwhelmed employees, and the only 3 other women in the county besides me who aren’t married to wealthy men.

Working to offset the exorbitant cost is slightly less painful than selling a kidney.


They men actually walk around in these shirts.

The men actually walk around in these shirts.


They’re so understaffed that every event – Picture Day. Dress Rehearsal. The Recital – is a giant cluster of FUCK.

Recital Day, we have to be at the theatre at 9 am. Yes, 9 in the AM because there are FORTY FIVE dance routines.

My kid blasted Avicii the whole 45 minute drive to the recital and I let him, even though on two hours of sleep my head was pounding and I was feeling stabby.


The dance school can’t just use a high school gymnasium. No, they rent out an 1800-seat theater.

NOTHING is too good for these little darlings.

NOTHING is too good for these little darlings.


YES. And it’s at least 3/4 full.


I get Little Dude checked in back stage.

Because I’m not really part of the clique, I’m always greeted with a “where the FUCK did this skinny bitch come from” look by the other moms.


I find my seat, which is with my Ex and his sister and her husband.

My Ex has that “restraining order” look in his eyes.

I start live tweeting the entire event, just to relieve my anxiety.


I’m sitting exactly 92 seconds when my bag mysteriously falls onto the floor, which is a superpower I have.

Making objects that appear firmly planted just plunge to the ground.

It over turns, dumping the contents everywhere, and knocking over my can of Red bull, which spills and gets my phone SOAKED.


I stuff all manner of wet objects back into my wet purse and the old dude sitting next to me graciously helps me.

I wipe my phone frantically on my shirt; it appears to be still working.

Thank God.


Now I get to sit through HOURS of watching other people’s kids dance.

This might not have been so excruciating if the elderly gentleman hadn’t decided that since he retrieved wet tampons from the floor for me, he is now my  BFF.

He was a Nudger. He kept nudging me whenever he found something entertaining.

I kinda would rather have a tire hung around my neck, filled with gasoline and set on fire than be continuously nudged by an Old Dude over other people’s kids.


It’s adorable when 5 2-year olds who HAVE NO EARTHLY CLUE what they’re doing get led onto an enormous stage in front of a trazillion strangers. 

3 of them started crying full throttle melt down.


I almost started crying like this out of sheer boredom.


I speak toddler. They were clearly saying:

“I want my mommy, this fucking tutu is scratchy, why I am being paraded out here like an organ grinder’s monkey, where is MOMMY, my vagina is itchy, okay that feels better now, what is UP with this goddamn tutu, MOMMY!”

And then one who was standing there dazed, like she just hotboxed some good weed, all of a sudden came to, and starting jerking her hands and feet in a frenzy.


I don’t think 2 year olds can have strokes, but that’s what it looked like.


I had to help Little Dude do his one costume change.

The boy’s dressing room is not the bedlam the girl’s is, so it went smoothly.

Besides the part where I held some strange boy’s head while he nerve- barfed into a garbage pail.


I headed back to my seat and remembered we were going out to lunch afterwards. (The Ex was lobbying for Hooters).

I’d left the house in a rush, and looked like a bushpig.

I wanted to get myself together a little.

So I darted into the girls dressing room to put on some lipgloss and comb my hair.

It was complete pandemonium.

The Dance Moms were flapping the fuck out.

I just needed to secure 4 square inches of mirror.

Before you could say ‘jazz hands,’ that DefCon One Dance Mom was giving me the stink eye.

“This is where Kerry is,” she said, self importantly.

She had an entire counter filled with giant tackleboxes holding dance recital accoutrement.

I smiled pleasantly.

“I just need this little spot for a minute.”

“But this is where KERRY is,” she repeated. Loudly. And – ominously.

“Look, lady – I’m sorry I don’t know Kerry, and worship her suitably, as befits her eventual illustrious contribution to the dance world.

But I need 4 square inches and I’m OUT.”


She turned purplish and barked at me,

“Well, I’m telling Joellen (the owner of the studio) about this!

“Really? Well, you could fill a ROOM with how much shit I don’t give, you cock mongling queefburger,” (I thought).



Okay. Not really. But I wanted to.


As the show progressed, I became increasingly more disturbed by the costumes, makeup and dance moves for the hip hop routines.

It’s safe to say, I’m no prude.

But I fail to see the connection between hip hop dance, and dressing up 12-year-old girls like Miami hookers.

Do they need to wear so much makeup they look like prostitots? Some of the “costumes” amounted to no more than glittery lingerie.

And in case the lack of clothing didn’t sexualize them enough, the only thing the  choreographed “moves” were missing was a stripper pole.

These 7 year olds have more on then the girls in the recital.

These 7 year olds look conservative compared to what I saw.


It got me to wondering if this is a contributing factor to the massive promiscuity among high schoolers in my area.

As I tweeted my distaste for these little girl’s attire and gyrations,

Gretchen tweeted another disturbing thought; that this was “a pedophile’s Disneyland.”


I don’t even want to think about that.


The bottom line:


It used to mean something. The lyrics and the beats spoke politically and relevantly of a generation that was lost, in a way that the lost generation could relate to.

It was taken over by white corporate America which released garbage that’s palatable to the white ear.

It became commercialized and watered down.

More easily digestible for white teenagers who wanted to feel cool.

Increasingly focused on materialism and posturing.

Granted, this had always inflected the genre but hadn’t totally defined it.

From there, it was only a pop-and-lock away from the suburban dance studios.


I know putting my kid in these classes makes ME a part of the problem.

I’ve let his joy in these classes eclipse any politics I have about the mainstreaming of hip hop music.


The truth is, once hip hop became a staple in suburban dance schools across America, it was no longer relevant.

Hip hop has become a reason to have 12 year old suburban girls grind onstage in stripper outfits. 

I’m so relieved I have a son.


Who, by the way,  rocked that shiz like frozen crazy!



Okay, I didn’t REALLY kill a dance mom. The only thing that has died is hip hop’s relevancy.


However, next year? I’m bringing Beth with me. She tweeted that she was right behind me with a shiv, if I needed back up.

And that’s friendship.


Do you have to deal with Dance Moms? Or overbearing parents in general?
Am I the only one who finds these hip hop routines/costumes disturbing?
Does anyone else check for nuclear safety? 
Talk to me.  I’m listening. 

172 responses to I MURDERED a Dance Mom!


    Thanks… for a good post… but mostly for clearing up that whole DefCon descending order of how terrified we should be… because I can never remember which way the count goes…


    My daughter is 5. We haven’t started the whole dance business yet, but I see it coming. Oh, I see it. And it terrifies me. My husband is just going to have to step up and handle this, cause I can’t deal with people like that. That poor, poor man. P.S. I’m glad you didn’t stab anyone, even if they did deserve the shit out of it.


      I ALMOST stabbed someone. Does that count?

      These women are as obnoxious as what you see on the horrible show, and then some. Who could deal with that?
      Not me!

      So good to see you, Steph! Hey – maybe your daughter will want to play hockey or something?

    NotAPunkRocker May 27, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    I had an issue with the t-ball moms, but luckily the kid didn’t want to keep up with sports. I avoided all parents when I could after that. I rather be viewed as antisocial than be part of their world.


      Why can’t the other moms just be normal? I’ve had trouble fitting in since my kid was in anything.

      Now, Dance Moms bring sucktitude to a whole new level. But are all sports moms insane? Is that a requirement?


    “Prostitots” — this hits the nail RIGHT on the head! That would make the Dance Moms “Pimparents”


      You are SO right with that.

      How can someone let their 7 year old dress and dance like that? When did everything change? I’m new-ish to the dance world. I had no idea how gross it had become.

      Hey, Jana- I’m so happy you stopped by to read, and comment. I really appreciate you doing so. xo

    Helena Hann-Basquiat May 27, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    I find the sexualization of children appalling — and I can’t figure out how everyone doesn’t feel the way you and I do about this. It’s a serious WTF moment — you are dead on about the whole Paedophile’s Disneyland thing.
    And I’ve never liked hip-hop (sorry — I have serious serious musical issues with the plagiarism that is called sampling) but I do know what you’re talking about when it comes to how it used to be political and now is just poser chic — more about bling and materialism, bitches and money — than it is about protesting poverty in the ghetto and inequality on the street.
    I know I sound old by saying this, but I was in line at McDonald’s the other day, and two girls were standing in front of me that MIGHT have been twelve, and were dressed sluttier than some stripper attire I’ve seen. No self-respecting adult woman would have left the house wearing what they were.
    I don’t get it.


      That’s the whole thing- at least adults are making a conscious choice to look cheap. As adults.

      But to do this to kids? It’s so bad. The picture I showed is actually from a video that landed on the news, because the girls were doing such suggestive moves, at 7, that it caught the attention of the media.

      I just think it makes it easier for them to go right into having sex in the 7th grade. They’re halfway there, right?

      Thanks for weighing in on this. I’m glad I’m not alone.

        Helena Hann-Basquiat May 27, 2014 at 2:27 pm

        Got dragged to a grade 7 talent show one time, and there were girls doing “dance routines” that were pretty much stripping routines. I’m talking humping the floor, shaking their ass, etc… If I were a dirty old man I’d have been jerking off to it.


        That’s exactly the point Gretchen made. I hadn’t even thought about that aspect of it.

        I guess it’s all part of a general moral decline. I mean, I was pretty wild. But not in 7th grade!


    The Little Prince may have to do dance eventually, because the Queen is a dancer (ballroom), but I still have a couple years before wading into that madness. And, if I can get him signed on by a football (soccer) club before then, I won’t have to worry about it at all.
    Some club in Holland just signed an 18 month old.
    The Little Prince just turned 14 months.
    I’ve got a lot of work to do in 4 months….


      I hate to tell you this, but one of my students played football AND was a competitive ballroom dancer. Both.

      Ooh, the Queen is a dancer! I love that!

      Competitive ballroom dance is one of the most expensive sports you can do. You’ll have to take out a second mortgage to pay for his costumes.

      An 18 month old signed for what? Finger painting with chocolate pudding?


        Yeah, dancing is good for learning balance and getting your feet to move quickly. Wasn’t that a movie? The Replacements, maybe? They all had to take some dance classes…

        Luckily, the Queen is also a skilled seamstress and can probably make any costumes he would need. At least, initially. She made most of the formals she wore to event dinners. And she made a pro-gown to wear during one of the events too.

        That may be because we’d already taken out a second mortgage to pay for all her gowns before then…

        Seriously. The dad posted a video of his son dribbling a soccer ball through some cones to YouTube. It got some traction. Someone at the club saw it, and they signed the kid… I’m sure it is mostly a publicity stunt… but, hey, why not.


        Why not? Because isn’t it kind of ludicrous? Does the kid even know he’s playing a sport? Geez people push their kids early…

        I remember now that the Queen is a seamstress! It’s come up before! She’s really something, isn’t she? Multitalented. You won wife lotto!


        True. I didn’t even buy a ticket. Luckiest victory of my life. 😉

        Sport? That young? No… but, hopefully they are having fun.


    Those outfits, how is the designer not in jail for child porn?
    Thanks for giving me another reason not to feel bad for signing up my girls for Hooker Class.


      They’re actually more covered up than a lot of the girls at Little Dude’s show.

      Some of them were wearing like, glittery lingerie. Scary. I’m talking 10 year olds.

      I seem to have gotten very judgey in my old age!


    Wow! 😯

    Question… what’s a bushpig?

    I kind of wonder if these crazy people put too much pressure on their children, when most probably wanted to join dance because it seemed fun.

    Who in their right mind think that type of “costumes” are appropriate for children?!?!

    In my mind not only did you murder her, but you got away with it… even applause. You’re like the Vigilante of Dance, protecting children from crazy. You should have your own comic book. 🙂


      Ooh! Do you draw? I would LOVE my own comic book, and since you brought it up…

      A bushpig. I don’t know. I made it up. I make up a lot of words for my blog. I’ve never heard of whooty whore either, but it sounded funny. That’s how I roll.

      Those costumes. Ugh. I would freak if my daughter was in that.


        lol, I do draw, but not very well. I just do it for fun, lol. Any idea of what you would make your super hero outfit to be?


        Yes, I want to be a punk rock Mad Max style anti-hero! A rogue vigilante!

        If you draw that, I’ll do your laundry for a week!

        No I won’t. I don’t even like doing my own!


    I am so glad my studio wasn’t like this growing up. It was just an after school activity; a place for exercise. Yikes! I’d cut a bitch…


      I think there are probably some really normal dance studios for kids who just want to dance.
      But where I live, NOTHING is normal. This is just an extension of how messed up they are in every way. Ugh.

      Can I move in with you??


        Oh we def have some of these crazy ones! And of course you can! We’re super laid back down here… Or slow as other people like to say 🙂


        Slow sounds good. I need a few months of slow.

        Do you say y’all? I love that.


        Born and raised in SC. I even call one person y’all. 🙂


    Thank you for guarding the nation! I wondered who was going that….

    *sharpens shiv* Any time, Samara. You need help cutting a bitch…you know I’m there for you.

    Can’t EVEN deal with how little girls are dressed for these types of show. So. Gross. *shudder* It’s so very disturbing.

    I’m so happy you made it through that hellavuh day without a) homicide b) completely losing your shiz c) a broken phone


      I made it through cos you were right behind me, sister wife, with that sharpened shiv!

      Yes, yes – I guard the nation. You want me on that wall. You NEED me on that wall. hahahaha

      I think I may have asked the old dude for some raw rice, to dry out my phone. I was THAT panicked.


    Prostitots = amazing. 🙂


      It’s so satisfying when you come up with a word that’s so evocative.


        You had stuff shooting out of nearly every orifice with cock-mongling queefburger…you’re a funny bugga S


        FINALLY someone commented on that little beauty!

        I love making up bizarre names. It’s kind of my thing.

        Someone else liked “bushpig.” That’s a good one, too!


        Oh yeah, I meant to follow up on that one when you said you didn’t know what it meant. It’s an old Aussie slang term for ugly woman…but I very much doubt it would apply to you even at your unwashed bed-haired, chocolate-stained wife-beater and busted-elasticed tracky dacks worst. Class is class, no matter what.


        Awwww. That is so sweet.

        Trust me. I may be classy. But I can look like a fell from the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down.



        Haaaaaa! I bet, and then ugly becomes the new pretty…


    I am giving you a standing ovation on this! Every freaking thing about it is perfect. And “beef curtains”…now that’s just stellar. I don’t have a kid in dance, but I know exactly what you’re talking about. An awful lot, they are the moms at Mommy & Me, the local Moms Club, and even at swim classes at the Y. They drive me bonkers, and actually, just reading this was cleansing for me. It totally was. I stabbed vicariously. You’re so right about hip hop. I’d almost venture to say that it lost relevance as soon as it hit the Post cereal commercials on Saturday mornings and that insipid Yo Gabba Gabba. Loved.this.post!


      Yay! Elroy is here!

      I just knew you’d get this. It’s so hard being a mom in suburbia. The other moms SUCK. Let’s stab some together! It’ll be a bonding moment!

      Yeah, what the HELL happened to hip hop? There should be an international funeral for it.

      So glad you came to visit. I’ll be by your blog very soon!!!


    I have never understood the idea of making children look like sex objects. What the hell is that all about? And parents – don’t even get me started. Believe it or not it continues all the way to teenage years – the parents using the kids to compete on some whacky level. I volunteered when my tweens were playing organized hockey and, as the timekeeper, I have had games stopped and parents ejected, and in one case the whole team ejected, because the parents were cursing and swearing and threatening the opposing team and the refs. And, of course, the kids were absorbing all this and reactng the same way as the parents. Dear Mother of God. what the hell is all that about?


      Kids learn by example. You just proved that.

      American culture is too deeply invested in sports. It trickles all the way down into elementary school. Academics get sacrificed, and NO ONE is having fun. So what’s the point?

      I wish people would curse and swear over how little their kids are actually learning in school.


    My niece have been involved with dance since she was could walk, it is her passion. To support her, I would attend her yearly dance recitals. The sexualization of these young girls filled me with an uncomfortableness. It is easy to understand why the term “prostitot” was coined.


      So you know exactly what I’m talking about.

      I’m not sure I know what to attribute this to. I know the hypersexualized teen culture can be partly blamed on this.

      But where did the idea originate, that to dance hip hop, you need to dress up 7 year olds like rap video hoes

      I’d like to punch that person.

      Thanks for coming by, and being part of the conversation. I so appreciate that. xo,


        I think some of it has to do with projection. Older women who were never that attractive, physically fit, or musical now have the power to subject their own children, or an entire group of children from a dance company, to act our their own twisted fantasies.

        How is this not child abuse. A show like “Dance Moms” can document all of this, and somehow it’s not horrifying, it’s entertainment? It makes my skin crawl.

        Happy to be part of the conversation too. I know how valuable feedback can be, so thank you for the warm welcome. 🙂


        I never thought about it that way. You might really be on to something.

        And your’re right. It IS child abuse.

        Of course you get a warm welcome. I’m so grateful for readers. 🙂


    This makes me think of the ending of one of my fave movies, Little Miss Sunshine.
    Beauty pageants/dance recitals are downright frightening to me already and I’m nowhere near even having a kid. I’d like for them to be able to join dance if they want to, but Lord, at what cost?
    Is it wrong for me to hope and pray that my kids will be as terrible at dancing as their parents are, and will just share their gifts with the average living room, club and wedding reception to the awkward delight of those watching? 😉


      Or, if they love dance, possibly there are studios where they draw the line at slutty costumes?

      Of just have them study ballet and tap. It’s hip hop that seems to be the worst offender.

      You’re going to be a great mom! You got your mom cred and everything! xo #sisterwifey


        I could get down with tap! Still got my own tap shoes! The Von Tapp Family Dancers, wooooo!

        Woooo okay haha. I think my mom cred just went to the next level: being super embarrassingly weird without shame. =D


        Being super embarrassingly weird without shame is my JAM, baby girl!

        woo, hoo!!


    HA! Very funny — my fave part: “I kinda would rather have a tire hung around my neck, filled with gasoline and set on fire than be continuously nudged by an Old Dude over other people’s kids.”


      That’s an actual torture method!

      How do I know this? I KNOW things muahahaha!

      I’m so glad you stopped in to play on my blog! Yay!


        eeeeep! I saw that method used in the movie Savages, too. So awful. (btw, I decided long ago that’s how I wanted my life to be….living on an island, being regularly banged by two hotties who love me dearly.;)


    OMG I almost peed when I read this! I’ve been to the suburban dance-recital before (Steffi Nossen – even the name is hoity-toity) where the highlight, besides my niece’s heartfelt and talented performance, was that Vanessa Williams’ daughter was one of their students. My sister-in-law is SOOOooo not a dance-mom. She would love this post. 🙂


      So this post has a high urine:humor ratio, would you say?

      I can just see all the She-Devils fawning over Vanessa William’s daughter. As if it were any great accomplishment to be Vanessa William’s daughter.

      I’m SO glad you stopped in to say hi! It really made my day!


    As long as the Little Dude likes to dance and knows that he’s got to respect the girl dancers in the school no matter the whore costumes the stupid teachers make them wear, it sounds like a good educational experience for him to me, Samara.

    Torture for you, though, until the day he decides he’s had enough hip hop dance and begins to beat you in the driveway basketball one-on-ones instead because he’s grown 12 inches.


      He loves it! I wouldn’t dream of taking it away from him, no matter how the girls dress or the moms act. It’s really good exercise, it’s about teamwork, he gets experience on stage- it’s all around, a good thing.

      He’ll pick up basketball again. I personally love playing, so we’ll be back out there again. Hopefully before he’s grown those 12 inches!


    My daughter studied classical dance for 9 years. Although the school offered hip hop it (along with jazz and tap) it was never the main focus nor was it ever as racy as what you experienced. The Dance mom however is a universal phenomona, no matter how artisitcally oriented the studio. At her school, the moms whose kids were in the associated dance company ranked higher on the totem pole than those who kids did not. If you were in the unfortunate position of limiting the number of your childs classes to say 4 a week because you weren’t independently weathly, while little Alexandrina was taking 8, and when you had to wait a couple paychecks to buy new pointe shoes, you were rock bottom.
    My daughter loved it though so we did as much as we could for her.

    It was only the onset of high school and the demands of other performing arts programs that caused her to discontinue dance.

    AS mentioned, my daughter’s school was more geared to classical dance, but the granddaughter of a friend was in competitive dance/cheer at about the same time so I saw plenty of the hip-hop/prostitot phenomena as well. I was approached about enrolling my daughter (she was tiny and would have been a good flier, I was told). We decided to keep her safely in ballet. a decision I have never regretted.

    Thank you for the splendid article.


    Prostitots is genius. I think it needs to be added to Urban Dictionary. I can’t get past the fact that these parents (those Dad’s in the stupid tshirts, apparently) pay to have their daughters be sexualized. They pay ALOT of money for that…

    I will say, when my son played baseball, there was some element of this. Mostly from the dads. Take away the makeup and the slutty costumes and everything else is kind of the same. You can’t just play baseball anymore, you have to play year round ball. And everyone’s kid is the next A Rod. I even heard a Dad talking about his 10 year old’s college prospects. Seriously. $500 baseball bats and private hitting lessons with former pro players. It got insane. And the cliques. If your kid didn’t play travel ball they wouldn’t even speak to you. (My kid didn’t.) When my son said he wanted to take a break and try swimming I was sooo happy. ‘Cause swim parents are chill. They sit and read a book during a meet. Sometimes I’m so engrossed in my book or reading blogs 🙂 that I miss my kids’ race. Ooops. But it’s so much healthier and less toxic than the baseball stuff. Which sounds almost as bad as the Dance Moms.

    I laughed -so hard- reading this. And I absolutely check for nuclear safety. I live a few miles from a nuclear power plant. You can see the mushroom -I mean steam- cloud from my house. I spend nights stressed over a leak and I’m always checking the wildlife around us to check for third eyes and strange growths…


      Where you live sounds as crazy as where I live. $500 baseball bats? I had no idea. For kids? Kids, who don’t take care of anything? No. Way.

      The sad thing is, everybody’s kid is the next A-Rod. And their academics suffer because of it. Why should anybody (look who’s talking, ha!) be thinking of their 10 year old’s college prospects?

      So today I learned two more things about you. 1. You like the word “prostitots” and
      2. you live near a nuclear power plant. When I come to visit, am I going to leave with a third eyeball?

      I’m so glad you tweeted me what you did. It helped generate a blog post. I do not disappoint!


        I think where I live is just a tiny bit crazy, definitely not on the level of where you live (although we do call my neighborhood “Stepford”). And I do think of my 10 year old’s college prospects, but just because she’s crazy smart (we’re still trying to figure out where that came from!) and it’s fun to fantasize about Harvard or Yale or some other school that would have laughed at my SAT scores. Or maybe… maybe she can get a full ride to an Ivy League school and then go on to be an amazing writer (hmmmm… where have I heard that before?) She actually does love to write. She’s been talking about starting a blog, too – I would just have to set her up on a different blogging format. I don’t want her playing in my playground!

        And IF you come to visit, I promise you won’t leave with a third eye. Just don’t eat the fish from the river and don’t look too long at the frogs, they kind of glow. And IF you come to visit, we would have so much fun and live like Hemingway, drinking and writing… 😉


        OMG, that sounds amazing! Can we attend bullfights, too?

        My kid is 10 and has a blog. It’s an issue. They need a WP junior. I’ve discussed this with Amy Reese; her kid has a blog and we’ve talked about letting them follow each other. Still, I’m concerned.

        For what it’s worth, I also fantasize about my kid going to an Ivy League. So does he!


    I am not a dance mom, either. This post makes me really glad that my 8-year-old refused to put on the leotard, and therefore ended her ballet career before it began. On the other hand, if one of my boys wanted to dance, I would be happy to drop them off out front. 🙂 The whole skimpy outfit thing creeps me out so much, but in my experience, the kids do actually know what is and is not appropriate. They are as obsessed by it as we grownups are, at least where I live.


      Drop him off! A mom after my own heart!

      When you say, “they are as obsessed by it as we grownups,” do you mean, with the idea of looking in appropriate? The kids where I live grow up, FAST.


        The girls I know (in 2nd grade) still dress appropriately, but when they see another girl dressed in skimpy clothes, or when they hear any mention of Justin Bieber, they all shout “That’s inappropriate!” in unison. It’s hilarious!


        Oh, I LOVE THAT!!

        I bought my kid a Justin Bieber tee shirt. Instead of hitting him when he’s bad, I just send him to school in it and let the OTHER kids beat him.



        I don’t want all the girls to grow up to be goody-goodies either. Girls are so hard!!


    I know nothing of such things.

    My innocence is limited to the brilliance the film “Little Miss Sunshine” The final dance scene should be the definitive last word on such events

    Alan Arkin, Abigail Breslin, Greg Kinnear, Toni Collette & Paul Dano – Yes


      I know and love that film. For so many reasons.

      But that dance – no no no no no no! This is NOT how we want a little girl to dance at a talent show!


        Hummm I must remember the end incorrectly. I have it in my head as the scene that shows the hypocrisy and shallowness of the whole event.

        I don’t want any misunderstanding. What you describe, regarding the exploitation of children, is BAD rotten & not defendable.


        The end was very funny, and very life affirming. But her grandfather had choreographed a burlesque dance routine to the Rick James song, Super Freak. Very inappropriate!

        The magical part is when they try to remove the girl from the stage, and her whole family gets on stage with her, in solidarity. That’s what you’re probably remembering.

        Great little flick.


        Anyway. Great fun to have read your blogs. Many thanks. All the very best


        You sound like you’re going away.

        You’re not going anywhere, are you?


        In a manner of speaking, yes. Clouds gathering, outlook not so clear, might be quiet, but I’ll be here


    My daughter is taking ballet, and I’ve survived one dance recital, but thankfully it was nothing like this. The worst parental behavior I saw were parents SLIGHTLY nudging each other out of the way for better picture taking position.

    They also had some boys dancing, and they were freaking awesome.


      What is SLIGHTLY nudging? Are elbow involved? Sounds a little aggressive to me…

      If you live in a normal area, then I’m sure there are normal dance studios. Nothing is normal where I live.

      Little Dude WAS freaking awesome. And not just because he’s my kid. Well, probably because he’s my kid. Whatever. He had fun. And it’s over.

      Till next year…


    God! I have been there…right there in Dance Hell!! Nik took jazz for two years and I didn’t mind the lessons so much but the recitals….kill me now! The hair, the makeup, the crying, the sweating, the THREE HOURS I can never get back. All the parents (well, moms) had to volunteer as stage moms for one of the three shows (yes, we did THREE so make that NINE HOURS I can never get back) and it was literally my idea of hell. She was six, I think, and in three hours how many little six year old girls sitting and waiting for their turn on stage have to pee? Guess! A friggin’ lot, that’s how many. We switched it up after dance and took TaeKwanDo. No more dance. Ever.


      OMG, Dance Hell! It’s Dante’s Tenth Circle!

      You described the insanity perfectly. Just stress and disorganization and lots of full little bladders!

      Little Dude studies martial arts, too. That’s his main jam. He does black cat Kempo, which is like Tae Kwon Do.

      The main competition is next weekend. Wonder if I’ll get a blog post out of it? 🙂

    Aiming for Simplicity May 27, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    Samara, I’ve found that in Australia, shopping for kids clothes goes from adorable toddler to mini hooker at about size seven…. Does your seven year old REALLY need a tiny mini trimmed with fur? No, no & noooooo


      A tiny, fur trimmed mini? Are there matching fur trimmed fuck me pumps?

      I guess things are kinda the same everywhere. Thanks for stopping in and saying hi!

        Aiming for Simplicity May 27, 2014 at 7:18 pm

        Missed your sardonic wit and sarcasm… Glad to see you’ve still got it! Just knowing you live tweet these events is ALMOST enough to make me sign up for Twitter…


        Do it!

        The best part about live tweeting it was how annoyed it got my Ex. hahaha

        Aiming for Simplicity May 27, 2014 at 7:20 pm

        Oh that’s beautiful…


    I’m so glad my daughter has no rhythm.


    Yikes! Forget it. I’m NOT talking my child to a hip hop class. Never mind. I know what you speak of with the dance moms. I know! I’ve been there, but not with my child and me as the mom. I forgot all about this! Now I’m reconsidering. Help! You’re hysterically funny. That is all. xo


      It was probably not the fiendish hellscape it is now, when you were dancing. Things were still normal then.

      Haha I talked you right out of hip hop, huh? My kid loves it. See what we endure for these kids? They have no clue! xo


    My sister-in-law is a Dance Mom… She lives vicariously through her 3-year-old and it drives everyone else in our family INSANE (because that’s what she is — insane).

    Great post — hilarious!


      I have an INSANE sister-in-law, too! And she also drives everyone in the family insane!

      She’s not a dance mom. She’s an insane dog mom. She insists that we acknowledge her dogs as her non-biological children. She insists that my son call them his “cousins.”

      I should write about her…

      Thank you for stopping by and saying hey!


    Well, my baby sister is a dance mom, but nothing like you’ve described that I can tell. My niece is about 3-4 years old. From the vids Sis has sent me (and what she’s described), the dance recitals are really small and pretty chill. They’re probably on the stage of an LDS meetinghouse cultural hall room but I’m not certain (she lives pretty much smack dab in the middle of Utah). It’s pretty easy to pick her out– she has very dark hair in the midst of blondes/brunettes (her dad is of Peruvian/Italian background), with piercing green eyes. Sis is not obsessed that I know of; we’ve talked about how some dance studios can be very intense and obsessive, but I’m confident that Sis her daughter are having fun.


    it’s things like this that make me glad I never had kids lol


      It’s definitely a mixed blessing, Jackie.

      There are days when I wish I could just come home to a quiet house and a glass of wine.

      And then there are days where I couldn’t imagine my life without him.

      I think it depends on the moon…


        I think that’s true for anyone that is in our life full time whether they are kids, spouse, lover …..some days it’s good to be alone, but I wouldn’t want a constant dose of it, been there, it sometimes gets lonely…but a day here or there is nice


    I feel so damned fortunate to have only had one girl. She did go through the ballet classes thing AND loved it but her Mum is very NOT a dance Mum and her Dad fucking hates people who are complete fuckwits so much that his kids gave him permission to stay at home. What is it with these sperm donors and repositories who think it’s okay to turn their off-spring into whores on stage or monsters on the field? My dickhead tolerance threshold is so low these days that I would end up inside if I had to go to a baseball game or a dance recital…no disrespect to J for loving it, of course. p.s. if you stab just one, it sends a serious message to all the others…just sayin’.


      I heard from another commenter that the baseball thing has become unhinged as well. It’s the parents who are creating this monster, you’re right about that.

      Yes, a serious message indeed! Well, that’s why I’m dragging Beth’s ass with my next year. She’s got her shiv all sharpened!


        Oh yeah, my kids were playing T-ball (baseball for little kids) and wanted me to come and watch but I resisted mostly. One day I relented and, long story short, halfway through I’d had enough and as I stormed through the middle of a play making a beeline for some peanut bellowing obscenities at his 9 year old from the other side of the diamond. I was met midway by my Queen (who was scoring) by which time everything had stopped, including the noise, and everyone was looking at me…so I pointed at him drew my index finger across my own throat and wandered off…fuckin’ people! p.s. tell Beth to remember to make eye contact as you nick the bottom of the left ventricle…


        eye contact…left ventricle…index finger across the throat…

        Okay. I think I got it. I’m ready for the next recital.


        That’s it, just like Aria repeating the names of her enemies before she sleeps, you have to go through the motions in your mind so that your reflexes take over at the next confrontation with the cock-mongling, queer-burger of a prostitot at the makeup mirror


    Ha…..sat in the office at 3:41am…..rain is bouncing off the ground outside and I was starting to fall into that black mood, when I came across your post!

    Brightened up what was turning into a very dull night so thanks for that!

    I saw a documentary once on this dance mum thing, actually mistook it for a comedy!
    What happened to kids being kids and having fun! Commercialisation and adults invading the childhood world……crazy crazy!

    Well brightened up my night anyway!


      Wow! I’m so glad you found me, and that it gave you something to to brighten your night!

      Adults invading the childhood world is a great way to put it. Yes. The are. And they’re ruining it for everyone!

      Thank you for reading!

    yeseventhistoowillpass May 27, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    My Tashi used to ice skate.. You think Dance Moms are different try skate moms. They all think their little Michele Kwan is the next gold medal Olympic winner.



      I can just imagine. All that aggravation, PLUS the cold of an ice rink? No thanks.

      I’m so glad you stopped in. xoxo


    Those my-kid-is-more-important-than-your-kid moms are so freaking annoying. During recitals/school programs, I am at the last row cursing all high-heels wearing, cleavage showing, I-need-to-sit-infront moms. Pfft.


      Hey! Welcome to my blog!


      Okay, where were we?
      Oh. yeah. I just made the connection. These moms are the same ones who let their little daughters dress like prostitots. I suddenly understand…


    Oh, Samara. This is hilarious! I read some of your tweets throughout and was wondering what the heck was going on. Glad you survived all the horror, nudging & killing of monster moms! Ugh.

    I too had to endure a performance this past weekend that involved watching other people’s kids…for three hours. My daughter was on stage for one minute. The rest were OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS!!!! Nothing worse. 🙂


    All of these arguments about sexualized little girls are part of why mine is never going into dance. Well, that and she’s so ridiculously uncoordinated it would be an absolute waste of money. She and I have enough fun bouncing around the house pretending to dance that no classes are required. She did do Martial Arts for awhile and they have the psychotic parents there as well. Me? I had to stay because she was 2,3,4 years old..but I normally was working on homework, reading, or goofing off on my phone around watching her. I think I spoke with other parents…twice? My husband is much better at the play-nicely-with-others thing.

    That being said, when she was tiny we chucked all the baby mini skirts (YES OMG they make them that small) into the thrift store bin without even taking off the tags. Some of his family members, I swear. Now, at 7, she is into wearing skirts and dresses with shorts underneath (otherwise she can’t climb/tumble) and things like spaghetti straps, she told me very seriously, are only for home, not for school.

    I am hoping this continues into middle/high school. And that she isn’t like her mother, who escaped to her best friends house to change into more sleazy versions of outfits at age 15/16. We’ll see.

    Boys are so much easier, clothing wise. Although if mine doesn’t pull his damned pants up, I swear, I am going to yank them down right in the middle of a store someday. Drives me batshit crazy, but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of saying anything. What is it with saggy pants? And constant “adjustment”??? Does yours do that? I’ve started telling mine it isn’t going anywhere, kid, it’s been attached for 16.5 years. Cut that out and go wash your hands. Thought his girlfriend was going to die laughing last weekend when she heard that.

    😀 Embarrassing kids is so fun.


      Holy shit, I LOVE to embarrass my kid.

      I act goofy in public with the express purpose of embarrassing him. I tell him it’s payback for all those times he embarrassed ME in public.

      Mine’s 10, and his hand is CONSTANTLY on his weiner. I think he’s just figuring out stuff. I don’t want to freak him out. But I do tell him, “don’t touch when Mama’s in the room. It’s not nice!”

      The saggy pants is “jailhouse” style. These kids, they’d shit their saggy pants if they ever saw the inside of the kind of jail where people wear those pants for real.


        Penis hands. I’ve started saying that to him whenever I see it. My husband says it’s normal, its like adjusting your boobs. I was like, dude, I never adjust my boobs..they go in the bra and stay there. I mean..yeah, they’re soft and awesome, but I know they’re not going anywhere so I don’t have to touch and adjust constantly. I try not to over react to it with my kid, but overall it just squicks me out. At least wash your hands or something. Yuk.

        We told him about the jailhouse thing!! He totes doesn’t believe us. What an ass.

        Embarrassing kids is one of the funnest parts of having them.

        I’m glad you’re writing again, I’ve missed your posts! Did you ever get the email I sent you?


        Did you send me an email? Was this name on it? I got a few without names I recognized. Sometimes I don’t read those because I occasionally get hate mail (long story.)

        Penis hands! I like that better than “jazz hands!”


        it would’ve been my actual name 🙂


    OMG, it’s been way too long since I visited your blog, and what a treat to come and read this. I’m signing up for fuggin emails so that I don’t miss anything else.

    Oh dear Lawd…the dance mom. I have a daughter. What the fuck am I going to do? I will not let my daughter be a seven year old prostitot stripper. (Why do I even need to type that sentence? What is happening to the world?)

    And as far as Beth having your back, good choice. If you need back-up, you know how to find me.

    I’m white on the outside but not the inside. Can I still like hip hop?

    I don’t google nuclear safety, but I live on the edge.


      Giiirrrllll! I’m a black girl trapped inside a white girl’s body. Come play with me!

      You can like any old thing you want. I like hip hop. Stupid commercial white people hip hop. Like Jay Z. He’s one of the worst offenders. And Eminem. I can’t help myself.


      Whew. I feel better now that that’s out in the open.


        OMG – I lurve EMINEM! He speaks to me….

        Two trailer park girls go round the outside….


        Hasty invited me to see him at a music festival in August or September, and I just might. I believe it’s in Austin!

        Come with! We’ll stalk Eminen!

        (Meanwhile, over on your blog that one single guy is goading me into saying all kinds of shit! He started it!)


        I LOVE Austin! When???? I may drag Beth with me. It could be a mini SW reunion – or would it be a union since we’ve never united, I don’t know.

        And, the single guy is harmless…talks a great game, but he’s really just a sweetie on the inside. Truly…I adore him.


        I don’t find him threatening. I think he’s adorable.
        How single IS he? hahahaha


        Yes, he’s at ACL this summer. The hubs wanted to go but if I remember correctly we’re out of town. Or maybe it’s just that I f#cking hate concerts at large venues. Can’t remember…..(I have 2 Eminem albums on my “run list”, and I asked for his new album for valentine’s day. LOL LURVE)


        Oooh, that’s it! When is that???

        I hate large venues too, but it would be SO fun to be there with y’all (I’m practicing).


    God, you’re funny.

    Because “I was feeling stabby.” Haaaaaaaaaaaa.

    No lie. You’re the best word-maker-upper person I know. (Because I don’t know Doc Seuss). And because you’re awesome.

    Thanks for the laugh.


      Yes! I do LOVE making up words!

      But- I can’t take credit for “stabby.”

      However, “bushpig” “whooty whore” and “cock mongling queaf – something or other” (I need to go look)- that’s all me.

      I also thought I made up “prostitot” but apparently it was coined already.


        It still counts if it was an original idea that someone else just also happened to be smart enough to think up once upon a time!


        Thank you!

        I also didn’t make up the tire thing. That’s an actual form of extreme torture used in other countries.

        Reading such things is a hobby of mine. As is keeping our country safe from nuclear attack. I’m diverse like that.


        Oh yeah. Thanks for the education on DEFCON levels. That will come in handy next time things are exploding around me and I’m shitting myself.


        Dude, it won’t come to that! I’ll personally leave you a message in your comment section when we’re at DefCon Three, according to that website.

        Then you can just hunker down in your survival retreat. You ARE a prepper, aren’t you?




        Yep. Total prepper. If I only eat one can of food per day and only drink two bottles of water per day, AND don’t get mugged or murdered first… I can live for two weeks.

        So, I’ve got that going for me.


    Holy fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I once saw five minutes of a reality dance mom show. I wish I could get those five minutes back. I

    ‘m really disappointed that you didn’t murder the dance mom. The world would have been a safer place.


      If you can make it next year, Beth and I could use the backup.

      I’m always so happy when you stop by, Nadia! I hope you had an amazing birthday. xo


        I did! Thanks so much! My liver was decomposing on Sunday…

        I haven’t been able to get online much. So far behind on all my reading. I thought I’d start out with a favourite. xx


        Awww. Thank you! I’m also behind in my blog reading. I may never catch up!

        I had a crazy night out last December when I saw our girl Patti Smith live, and my liver STILL hasn’t forgiven me.


    Jeeezz H Christ!

    That theatre looks like a suburban version of Carnegie Hall. Unbelievable!
    Don’t have any kids (even after four marriages), but I always wanted a daughter. I can say with utmost sincerity and conviction, if I did: She Would Never, Ever Be In a Beauty Pageant, or Dance Show like the one you describe here.

    Great Post! I laughed out loud many more times than once.


      Oh, I’m so glad you laughed.
      Now. How many beers had you had when you read it? Hahahaha

      4 marriages, no kids? I find that fascinating! Do you discuss this on your blog? Sort of, en masse? I’d love to read about a guy who was married 4 times.

      Are you currently divorced?
      Are you wealthy? hahahaha

    Kristi Campbell - findingninee May 29, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    I think you deserve a prize for the no stabbing thing. For realz. I can imagine the dance moms. While I don’t have to deal with them myself, the bitches at the playground are often bad enough. Throw in a little more competition, more makeup and some fake friends? UGHS.


      I say “for realz” too OMG I LOVE YOU!!

      Did that just get weird?

      I hate the bitches on the playground. Why are they so fixed up to push drooling toddlers on a freakin swing?

      I am so glad you came by to say hi! I love making new friends (especially ones who condone murder).


    I can’t even tell you how much I enjoyed reading this. My daughter did dance for two years and I purposely chose classes at a community center over a dance school hoping to escape some of this. While I don’t think I encountered any Def con One Dance Moms, there was still more stage momming going on than I cared to be around. So I was ecstatic when my daughter wanted to quit…and she did it just before the age where the costumes get all Fredericks of Hollywood.

    May the strength of angels be with you if you have to sit through another one of these recitals.


      I could have used that strength today at his karate tournament.

      Holy crap, I’m intense! I may not be a dance mom, but I’m definitely a karate mom!

      Thanks for reading! I’m really glad you stopped by. xo


    this was an equally entertaining on the twitter as it is here.

    I want to see a reality show of this with you starring.


      I LOVE when people call it “The Twitter.”

      Lance, my friend, I’m really second guessing the BlogHer thing. I saw pics from last year.

      Everyone’s in dresses and shit. It looked like an ad for Ann Taylor. I’ll be in frayed jean shorts, ankle boots and a tee shirt. Will they let me in?

      I’d borrow some girlie clothes from Aussa, but she’s 6’2, for chrissake.

      Will you promise to let me hang out with you and your wife the whole time, and not make me feel like a third wheel?


        that’s a silly question, of course….and my wife will be more popular than me so if you two end up hanging out, I’ll pout elsewhere

        I’ll be in jeans…trust me…punk rock forever

        wait, aussa’s 6’2″? good lord,I’m 5’8″


        I don’t know; she’s giant, is all. Maybe, 6″?

        Why will your wife be more popular than you? Are you unlikable? Tell me now, before I book a plane ticket.

        Several people have told me BlogHer is a real “cardigan and pearls” event, and from the pictures, I gotta tell you- it kinda looks that way.

        Jeez- I am gonna stick out like a sore thumb. I can dig up a dress, but it’ll be more “Mad Max” than
        “Ann Taylor.”


    If there was any doubt that you were my favorite blogger (which would place you high in the running for favorite person all together), it was erased when you employed a rectal itch comparison.

    As always, bravo.



      THANK YOU!!

      You’re the first person to acknowledge the “painful rectal itch,” Pancho!

      That’s also a pet name for my kid; PRI, for short.

      So happy I’m you’re fave blogger! I will now share cheese with you, as a snack, to commemorate this moment.


    I have dealt with LOTS of nutty helicopter parents who all think that their kid is the next (pick one) a) brain surgeon; b) rocket scientist; c) movie star; d) Survivor winner. None of them, but NONE of them realize that their kids are just regular kids, the vast majority of whom will go on to perfectly good, but perfectly ordinary, lives; that is if their obsessed parents will let them. Many of these kids are not only pressured to succeed, they are often disliked because of their poor attitudes and entitlement issues.

    Thanks for this really great/really humourous 🙂 post – unfortunately, the people who should see themselves in what you are saying will probably not.


      I am just about to hit “publish” on another post that discusses helicopter parents and entitlement issues!

      Did you read my mind? *Twilight Zone music*

      We really share the same views about these things. And you’re right- not one person actually commented “I am a dance mom!”

      I’m a “karate mom,” which I freely admit- in the next post!
      Thanks for reading. Always.


    Your tweets were hilarious. I hate people that try to live through their children. And that picture of that girl in a pink tutu looks disturbingly like a penis and balls. Or is that just me?


    The only thing not hilarious about this entire post is the prostitots! Serious issues with this, like you… and most of your other readers I’m sure (no time to read all the other comments, so I’ll just be redundant!). What the hell is wrong with our culture that this is ok? What was shocking in Little Miss Sunshine is now tame. How can the same mothers and fathers who allow their kids to dance around in those outfits, express outrage when young girls are molested? Ok… getting off my box and returning to the messy kitchen that awaits me. I know I’m late to this post… but 2 kids graduating (college and h.s) and bucket loads of other things, has me so behind on posts! Glad I caught up on this one.


      Oh, congrats on your two graduates! You must be such a proud mama!!!

      I’m so glad you took the time to weigh in here regardless of when.

      Yes, that whole issue of how they looked turned my initial idea of just ragging on dance moms to expressing serious concern. This cannot be a good thing. It is having some serious repercussions, I think. The teen culture is SO hypersexualized. This may not be the reason, but it certainly doesn’t help.

      I’m thrilled you’re reading these! ❤


    If I believed in that shit, I’d thank God every day that my daughter is the shyest person who has ever lived and would no more dance on stage with other 9 year olds than I would. “Prostitot” is LOL-funny and yet deeply disturbing at the same time. You are too funny.

Trackbacks and Pingbacks:

  1. STOP Raising Your Kids To Be PUSSIES! « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - June 3, 2014

    […] I may not be a dance mom, I am definitely a Karate […]

  2. I Still Have More Depraved Stories To Tell « A Buick in the Land of Lexus - June 26, 2014

    […] Never fear. I still have absolutely NO FILTER, and will continue to blog about dildoes, whorehouses and killing off annoying Dance Moms.  […]

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