The SLUT MOM BLOG

March 7, 2014 — 186 Comments

The number ONE search term for my blog:

SLUT MOM.

 

Everyone has bizarre search terms for their blogs.

But why, every day, every week, is that always the NUMBER ONE search term?

SLUT MOM.

 

I wrote one post using those words – in which I defended a fellow bloggers‘ First Amendment right to use the words “slutty whore” to describe herself.

And now I’m forever defined as “slut mom.”

Although I object to this word as a misogynistic slur used to oppress me because I choose to do whatever I want with my pussy, I will take back that word to embrace my own unabashed sexuality.

And since this is the

SLUT MOM BLOG,

let’s explore this.

Can I be a slut AND a mom?

 

While I think a warm chocolate chip cookie straight from the oven washed down with a cold glass of milk is a somewhat sensual experience, I can assure you – to my son and his friends, it is not. It’s a refueling pit stop before they eagerly asking me to smell their Jar of Farts.

But, since this is the

SLUT MOM BLOG,

If you happen to date me, and eventually make it onto my list of VIPs (Very Important Penises), let’s go over some basics.

We’re all older now; mostly divorced; we’ve got kids. Everyone has hectic lives. We can’t do the pootie tang all weekend like 20-year-old college kids. The game has changed, and you need to change yours, too.

A few little suggestions.

 

DON’T LIE

I’m here for sex, not lies.

I’m not saying that we can’t care about each other.

I love making you feel good physically, I love making you feel good about yourself. There’s always something about the experience that I love, or I wouldn’t be here.

But if you’re going to start making a bunch of promises you can’t deliver on, then I’m going to invoke the Twitter rule because I just lose interest after 140 characters.

 

GET BUSY

I do not condone a “wham bam thank you ma’m” but I am paying an overpriced babysitter AND I probably have a shit-ton to do the next day. So if you’re not pulling my hair and saying nasty shit to me by the second hour, there’s not gonna be a third. Tick Tock.

 

TALK?

YES. As long as you don’t sound like a serial killer. Don’t tell me you’re going to “nail my stink tube.” I want you to call me your Dirty Cowgirl Slut (here is where it’s okay).

If you can’t dirty talk, then you need to moan, or yell, or something. I’m flying around up here like a fucked-out Tinkerbelle, and I need you to start clapping for me or I’m gonna DIE up here.

POSITIONS

 

Yes. All of them.

Just don’t jam it in and bangarang until you finish.

Speaking of which, if we’re doing it doggie, then:

 

VISUALS

I’m a little older than I was when I was dating before; I’ve pushed out a kid. When I was pregnant my legs blew up like the Hindenburg. And leg curls do not repair connective tissue. There’s only so much moonlight can camouflage, you know?

So if you’re behind me, help a girl out. Use your knees and do the old “nudge-nudge” to my right leg, and then my left leg, and widen my legs apart.

Bang! Smooth as hospital corners!

Actually you can add the POP! to the “nudge-nudge” and push my face down and my butt automatically comes up and DAMN! We got ourselves a Penthouse centerfold! THANK you!

 

ORGASM

No, it’s not okay if I don’t cum. I’m not that self-actualized. You’re a grown-ass man; you should have skillz by now!

Yes, you’ll know. A woman having a legit orgasm is like the price tag on a pair of Gucci stiletto heels. If you have to ask, back your ass out of the store, Bozo.

 

ORAL SEX

I enjoy giving blow jays, but it is a job to make sure that you get to feel like Christmas morning in my mouth.

So, you need to learn how to deliver a box lunch. Pussies are more confusing than penises. And every woman likes it differently. But here are a few starter ideas:

1. Don’t be skittish about it. Dig in like it’s Thanksgiving dinner.

2. Shave. I wouldn’t rub sandpaper on your taint while slurpin’ the gherkin.

3. No teeth during an Egg McMuff. If I have to explain that, then go back to masturbating.

4. The “St. Bernard lick” is okay for a warm up, but you’re going to have to vary things up a little. And don’t come at me with your tongue all pointy-like. No stalagmites up in this cave.

5. It’s a clitoris, not the Second Congo War, so don’t attack, okay, killer? Work up to that. You wouldn’t want me to stick the tip of your dick in a vacuum, would you?

6. Yeah, sure, do the alphabet on me, whatever, write your whole fucking blog down there.

7. Women over 30 are multiorgasmic. So be prepared to get a little Tongue Tendinitis. Pack a lunch; stay a while.

 

ROUGH SEX

What are we talking about here? Spanking? Handcuffs? This could be fun. Choking me to death? Not so much. Then again, I didn’t enjoy getting a salmon bone stuck in my esophagus and almost blacking out. But hey – no judgment. To each her own.

And please don’t rub on my vajizzle like you’re trying to get a stain out.

 

ANAL

Well since we Crossed the Rubicon, let’s just continue our journey the back way, shall we?

I can’t speak for everyone. Yes I can. It’s my essay. Here are the rules.

1. You either get to have a huge penis OR anal. Sorry.

2. Unlike the vag, the butt hole is NOT a self lubricating organ. And SPIT is not a lube.

3. A woman needs to be incredibly turned on for this to work, like feverish fuckfest porno turned on.

4. The height of douchewafflery is to “accidentally” let it slip in there. It fucking hurts at first. Yes. It DOES. So no “oopsies.” And go slow, S

5. Nothing teaches you more about teamwork, persistence, and humility than doing the Milli Buttfilli. It should be a part of all high school sports training seasons.
It probably is.

6. Be prepared for sounds both of us never knew existed to be coming out of my mouth during butt sex.

7. It’s an exit. Not an entrance. Nothing so wrong ever felt so right. It’s Planet Bizarro sex, crazy hot and primal, and saved for special occasions. Or until they start manufacturing Methaqualone again.

 

At this point in my life, I’ve transcended societal misogyny. I feel empowered because I was lucky enough to be given a life to live and a body that functions perfectly.

The physical pleasure of sex, the freedom of it, connects two human beings in a way that lets them endure the pains and losses of being human.

So LIVE FREE!

 

So, can a woman be a slut AND a mom?

YES. Just not at the same time.

186 responses to The SLUT MOM BLOG

  1. 
    NotAPunkRocker March 7, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    I love you. Really. If I ever have sex again, I am going to make the guy sign that he agrees to the above terms.

    I think slut is one of those words that if someone calls themselves that, then who am I to argue? I’m not gonna judge either, so NBD. I don’t call myself that because it is relative to others’ experiences which I may or may not know. I prefer “non-committed, open-minded tart”.

    My number one search term was “letter to my son’s stepmother” or something similar since I had a post by that name. Now it’s…Tupac quotes.

    On one hand, cool! On the other hand, I only used one quote, once. What does it all mean?!

    • 

      I actually figured it out, with the help of my guy friend.

      It’s all the MILF porn! It’s really big now, so I guess everyone searches for “slutty moms.” They must be really disappointed when they get to my blog.

      “Non-committed, open-minded tart!” I love you right back, chica!

      I hope you have an awesome weekend!

  2. 

    “You need to learn how to deliver a box lunch.” “Pack a lunch; stay a while.”

    I asked Snarky Snatch to take a bow this afternoon. I’m going to have to ask you to do the same Samara. Carry on.

    Wicked banner by the way.

    • 

      Sean!! Sweetie!! *curtsies*

      Please forgive me for not visiting your blog. I’ve been laying low; had a terrible case of writer’s block.

      And now, unblocked. Ta Da!

      Chowderhead did the banner. He is AMAZING! He did quite a few bloggers banners. Really talented dude.

      talk soon, I hope,
      S

      • 

        No worries at all. And the bow was certainly deserved!

        I too have been struggling… so have resorted to stealing posts from other people or recycling my old ones. Tut tut.

        For sure. Catch up soon x

      • 

        Well, I have a perfectly wicked idea for your blog that we must discuss…

        and now I’m ready for anything. Obviously.

        xo

  3. 

    I can’t stop grinning. haha this was the most entertaining (and amazing, and truthful) thing I’ve read all day! I love you, Samara. Never, ever stop being you.

    *whew* and I thought I was brave with my orgasm poem. Not. You’re not brave until you talk about ass sex. LOL.

    I need to read this again…..

    • 

      ooooohh, an orgasm poem? I’ve been slinking around, stuck in my own way, for too long.

      I’ve been neglecting everyone. When did you post it?

      Another blogger told me to Write Free. Ain’t it the truth?

      • 

        it tis the TRUTH!

        I wrote it a week ago or so. Lexicon of Lust. Oh hell, here
        http://bethteliho.wordpress.com/2014/02/25/lexicon-of-lust/

        I’ve been digging myself out of a blogging hole all week. It’s so easy to get behind!

      • 

        Wait, I read that!!

        I remember that post.

        Yes, it’s so hard to keep up with all the reading I want to do. Especially now that you’ve introduced me to TWO new incredible lady bloggers – uh! I have so many blogs in my reader, it’s ridikilus!

      • 

        I spend endless hours going through my email and my reader. I could definitely justify it being a part-time job. I love every post I read (well, almost every one) but OMFG it would take up ALL my time if I let it! But….I love it so hard I could never change anything.

      • 

        Wouldn’t it be great if there were some kind of paid job that had to do with reading blogs..

        Beth! How does one become a WP Story Wrangler! Then you could just read blogs all day!

        Yippee!!

  4. 

    Well darn it! Like Sheena I am printing this out and making the man sign it! Wish I was as brave as you! My #1 search is comic heros! Ack, did one post on comic heros and I’m branded for life. Maybe I need to do a post on sex, of any kind. 😉
    I always did like the word ‘tart’……

    • 

      Hi, Jackie!
      I’m SO happy you’re here! I always see you around WordPress, and I’m glad you decided to stop by!

      As I told Sheena, the whole thing has to do with this explosion of MILF porn on the internet. Everyone must be looking for “slutty moms.”

      I like “tart” also. There are so many good words like that…

  5. 

    I don’t think I’ve experienced being a little turned on while laughing so hard. Loved this piece, Samara. I could feel the honesty and power of your writing voice start to finish. It also made me feel good to know the “triple crown” is considered an advanced move.

    Really well done 😉

  6. 

    Umm…pretty sure this isn’t going to help with the search terms.
    On the other hand, women who know what they want are hot.

    But that vacuum cleaner thing ids wrong. Just…wrong.

    • 

      Guap-
      Since I’m doing the time, I might as well do the crime, yes?
      It’s never going to stop!!

      I’m sorry about the vacuum cleaner. Ouchie.

  7. 

    Oh wow, Samara! Write free, sister. Slut Mom Blog or not. It’s not about being slutty, it’s about knowing what you want. Good practical advice here for everyone. I like what you said how sex “connects two human beings in a way that lets them endure the pains and losses of being human.” That’s very poetic. My top search….drum roll…boobs!! I did one post on boobs and look, it’s number one every week. It never fails. I have a feeling you’ll have a few different top search terms with this post. I think anything that has to do with sex will get you some hits. Gee, I wonder why. Love the banner!

    • 

      It’s all about MILF porn being so big on the internet these days…whatev.

      I figured why not have a little fun with it?

      Boobs? Really? Is that post archived???

      People who search from google for “slut moms” are not going to read my blog, they’re looking for pictures!

      xo,
      S

      • 

        Yeah, it’s archived. Just search for, you know, “boob.” Ha ha.

        Porn and the Internet are synonymous practically.

        xox and xxxx
        A

      • 

        I know, it’s so bizarre how that happened.

        We were all cyber chatting about it on Aussa’s facebook. She got Instagram, and then someone mentioned Tumblr. I know all about this stuff from working with teens.

        And Tumblr can get really, really pervy- which is scary. I have insomnia, and I posted the truth- which is that I’ll be looking for something very innocent, and find the MOST disturbing shit. On Tumblr. Or wherever.

        I must make sure my 10 year old cannot get into this stuff…

      • 

        My 11 year old already has…I saw it on the history on the iPad. Oh. I was so sad.What has he seen??? Innocence lost way too soon.

      • 

        Nooooooolll

        He saw porn? Already?
        Oh my God. My son is 10. I’ll die. He’s my baby…
        *throws herself dramatically on the bed*

        My son would probably LOVE it. Or else be traumatized.
        Or both.

      • 

        I think mine is traumatized…AND he doesn’t want to touch me. Oh gawd!!! No, what’s happened? I wonder what is going through his brain.

      • 

        Oh, nooooooo!

        I figure I have 2 more “cuddle” years left. If one of those gets cut short by some freakish porn accident, I will NOT be happy!

      • 

        Oh you will, you will!!

  8. 

    The whole “accidentally slipped it in” thing…. don’t get me started. I’m sorry, my elbow just accidentally made contact with your throat.

    • 

      OMG, I love to land a good punch in the throat!

      We have so much in common!!!

      Accidentally. Right. Revenge Butt Sex should be a thing. Can you imagine if I tagged my post with that? Holy shiz!

      • 

        Hahaha I actually have a post with very similar wording… that has yet to be posted. Because it has to do with work and I’m just not sure I’m even ready to reveal just how fucked up that place is.

      • 

        But you already have! It’s such a delicious mess of a nightmare! What would WordPress do without that hellish job of yours to keep us entertained?

        It almost makes me want to go back into Corporate America just to have horrible people to write about.

      • 

        They are there waiting for you. And this is the kind of story that’s like… beyond despicable. The ultimate toxicity amongst humans.

      • 

        Oh lord. I almost don’t know if I want to even read it.

        I hated working in corporate America. It’s hell on earth. It seriously is why I started my own business.

        Yikes. Now I have to read this story…

  9. 

    Fuckin’ BAM! You really know how to make an entrance don’tcha, Beautiful…welcome back.

    • 

      BOO-YAH!!!

      And that’s how I come out of Writer’s Block – with a little help from my friends.

      Mad love, my REDdog friend. Good to be back.

  10. 

    I haven’t written about sex on my blog (which is why I still get blow jobs from my husband), but someone managed to find my blog by searching for “black queen,glide ur ass on my face,wanna,sniff nd lick it for its d best food in d world”.

    Samara, I felt like I could have written this, but not as concise and entertaining as you did. Long live the Queen of Snark.

    And love love love the new banner.

    • 

      Nadia, that is the weirdest string of search terms ever!

      d best? Not even the whole word? Just the letter?

      Thank you for that loving acknowledgement to my royal ascendancy to the Alliance of the Damned! My blog alliance comrade, Chowderhead, actually designed the banner!

      I figure if I’m the “slut mom” blog, I’d might as well just own it!

      xo,
      S

  11. 

    Can’t wait to read Ned’s guest blog! 🙂 And I’m still laughing … great post! 🙂

  12. 

    I don’t even know if I can process this post without reading it like six more times. Painfully funny, Samara, you never disappoint.

    • 

      I included douchecanoe (which my phone now auto texts) just for YOU-

      And I threw in a “douchewaffle”-
      One can never have too many breakfast items.

      • 

        One can never have too many breakfast items… you know, most of the stuff you write is just so bloody quotable, I try to figure out how to work it into my everyday language. The day I insert “douchecanoe” or “douchewaffle” into a report by accident is going to be epic.

      • 

        Douchewaffle is not so difficult, but try using it as “douchewafflery” – THAT’s epic.

      • 

        You’re blowing my mind.

      • 

        In a good way, I hope?

        I was really blocked, dude. And then the dams burst forth.

        And next, I’m writing a children’s book review. Hahaha
        Who AM I?

      • 

        Always in a good way. Glad the dams got out of the way. Sometimes, you gotta burn the temple down.

        Yes, who are you exactly…

      • 

        Dude, I thought YOU could tell ME.

        Burn the temple? Or flash burn a Lexus? Cause that’s how we started…

      • 

        I can barely keep a handle on who I am, S. You, though, that would be a case study…

        In school, me and my buddies, when faced with anything that someone told us we had to do or in a certain way, would say that sometimes you just have to burn the temple down. Don’t know what is means. But feels good to say.

        The Lexus has it coming too.

      • 

        Oh, yeah – I TOTALLY understand the “burn the temple” vibe.

        You’re the blogger whose tagline is “Dream Hard, Rage Hard” – so, yeah. You’re a rebel. Whether you want to admit it or not.

        Let’s do that Lexus thing. Someday.

      • 

        I’ve been a rebel. Hope I still am. Smacked around by the corporate douchebags, it’s hard to tell at times. But really, I’m just a writer now. For better or worse.

      • 

        Corporate America is where they invented the phrase “Nice Guys Finish Last.” So I hated it. It CAN really take its toll.

        You’re a writer, for better, for BEST. No worse involved. As a matter of fact, now that I’m back and posting, I need to go read some blogs. Like yours.

      • 

        I’d rather you just write than read my stuff. Give us some more, Samara.

      • 

        Man, Trent – you saying that to me is like music to my ears.
        You just made my day.

  13. 

    Is it hard for you to combine the different elements of your life?

    The difficulty is in the presentation.

    What are some of the weird search terms that come up for your blog?

    I don’t know.

    I’m sorry. Really not wanting to be a downer, but

    • 

      Hey- thanks for being part of the conversation.

      I visited your blog and actually commented for once, instead of being so lazy and just reading. 😄

      • 

        That’s kind of you… I sincerely appreciate it.

        I actually rewrote the comment about a half dozen times… it just didn’t feel quite right at the time.

        I think, now, that I have something to add, that does feel right: 15 years with Cimmorene has taught me a lot. Early on, I felt like exploring a lot of kink, but vanilla feels just fine, now. Maybe it’s because I’m very grateful she has accommodated me a lot in spite of my chronic pain. Another is that finally, I’m much less self-conscious now compared to then. It seems ironic, because then me was skinnier compared to very fat me now.

      • 

        I was pretty vanilla in my married sex, eventually too.
        But it was still very good between us. After so many years, we knew each other well. To me, that’s the best kind of sex.

      • 

        Yep. Mutual understanding is pretty sexy.

  14. 

    Brilliant post, your writing floors me every time. The weird one I always get is ‘threesome with a dog”. Don’t get the wrong idea! I wrote about a threesome, then went on to talk about a separate time where I took my parents dog on a date – just to the park! But yeah, it comes up all the time there are a lot of people out there looking to have a threesome with a dog.

    • 

      Hey- thanks for stopping by!

      Okay, a threesome with a DOG? And my writing floors YOU? You win the Internet.

      A date with a dog (sans bestiality) sounds sweet.

      How did that go?

  15. 

    Do a post about unicorns pooping rainbows and that will be your number one… or number two… HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • 

      Art, I can write just about anything – but I don’t think I’m the unicorn/rainbow type. Even with the poop. But I could always try. Why, do people search out unicorns and rainbows?

      • 

        Ed Hotspur(t) taught me that trick… I do not know why people like it… but look in my ‘top posts and pages’ thing in the sidebar and the unicorn post… ‘Unicorns vomit rainbows in your dreams’ is always there.

      • 

        Okay, that’s just bizarre.

        I’m still a newbie here. I don’t understand this tagging thing. Like, I thought we were supposed to tag what the posts are actually about.

        I’m lost when it comes to this getting hits, and readers, and all that crap. I can’t even understand my stats page. All those blue columns? Hopeless.

        I need an assistant.

      • 

        Just ask… people like to help… but don’t ask me… I am a computer moron. Did you read my ‘tips for new bloggers’ post? I hate it when people tag unfunny stuff as humor. But tagging is good… do it with style.

      • 

        I love tagging! But I don’t do it to get blog hits, I do it to make myself laugh! Did you LOOK at these ridiculous tags?

        I’ll read your post. Because I AM still a “new blogger.” You’re not a computer moron! You can do all sorts of stuff! Pictures and everything!

      • 

        All the blog stuff I had help on…

      • 

        You mean, people have helped you put pictures up and stuff?

        I need an assistant. I’m telling you.

      • 

        I did figure out Photoshop by myself… not with the manual, but by playing around. But a lot of the stuff I do on the blog I got help with.

      • 

        Pfffftttt to manuals. Who can understand them?

        I need to learn Photoshop. I need to be able to AFFORD Photoshop.

        Who helped with your blog? Email me if you don’t want to put it in the comment section.

      • 

        I don’t want to turn my friends into blog tech support… but just ask people who have blogs you like how they did what they did.

      • 

        Oh, they were your friends? I didn’t know you had friends..

        I DEMAND to know!!

        Actually, I’ve had quite a bit of help, too. I’m hopeless. Why are some people just naturally so good with this stuff?

      • 

        Zoe from ‘behind the mask of abuse’ helps me…

      • 

        Art my love, I was KIDDING!

        Rara has helped me a great deal. I actually hired her company to do a whole blog redesign. And she’s taught me a lot.

        She’s a bona fide genius, that one is.

      • 

        oh… well how was I supposed to know that?

      • 

        Maybe because I use terms like “Milli Buttfilli” in my post!

        I just read that and laughed out loud! Is it okay to laugh at my own stuff, or am I insane?

      • 

        dude… I still read my old posts now and then because they crack me up so much.

      • 

        You GET me, you totally get me.

        We’re kindred spirits, we are. I’m so glad we’re in this crazy blog world together!

      • 

        Freaks of a feather…

  16. 

    Samara, I ‘ve been on a WordPress hiatus and I come back to find Slut Mom blog. excellent writing. It actually got me a bit randy with your list of requirements. It does seem as if you have many rules but you gotta have rules. I play by the rules pretty well. I enjoyed this one.

    • 

      Well, welcome back!

      I’m glad you enjoyed the writing – and randy? Does that mean you’re British?

      Thanks for reading, and for being part of the conversation. I really appreciate it.

  17. 

    You’re brave, brilliant and hilarious.

    This made me smile too many times to count.

  18. 

    At least you don’t have a problem expressing yourself or telling me where you come from.

    Seriously, I’m on marriage 2 and when I met my wife, there was a lot of this kind of blunt talk because who needs another black mark on their courtroom documents?

    I need to hang here more often

    • 

      Welcome! Have some chai tea – or a beer, whatever you’d like.

      One would hope I don’t have a problem, but of course, it’s always easier to write it than to say it – although, yes. After marriage one goes down, you learn to cut to the chase!

      Glad you made your way here!

  19. 

    Would you be offended if a man rubbed some edible lube on your coochie-pie before tucking in? I’ve heard they can improve the taste.

  20. 

    Every time I read you, I love you a little more. I’m amazed by how poetic this was along with the mix of slang, honesty and anal sex talk. 🙂 Seriously though, you had me laughing and nodding in agreement! Write free blog sister!

    • 

      Write free, blog sister!

      That should be our battle cry!!

      The slang just makes me laugh – I honestly do it to crack myself up – “milli buttfilli” hahahaha

  21. 

    There’s something about this post that makes me really want to be divorced. You are seriously lucky to be able to do what you want to with your pussy (and the rest of your body). I’m going to write more about this on my blog. BTW, we have a lot in common, but you are much snarkier. I’m taking notes…

    • 

      Oh, lord, do NOT want to be divorced! The one thing that really worked in my marriage was sex!

      We can be snarky together! It’s an Alliance thing, right?
      xo,
      S

  22. 

    Can a woman embrace being a “slut” or is this a misogynistic slur?

    I don’t want my two daughters to embrace being sluts. I can tell you that much. Now, I ask you, is that misogynistic of me or is it something more primal and biological that comes with being a father?

    • 

      By “slut” I mean a fully grown woman who has a healthy sexual appetite.

      That being said, Lord, I don’t want your daughters being sluts either! They’re much too young!

      I do hope when they grow up though, that they have good sex lives with their partners ( as hard as it will be for you to see them that way). And that they’re discriminating.

      Sex was one of the strongest positive aspects to my marriage.

      And yes, it’s totally natural as a father for you to NEVER see your daughters that way! The dads can never handle this stuff. You know that.

  23. 

    I like your “I might as well go all out!” attitude.

    I get a lot of “best porn” and “porn jokes” search engine hits on my blog, but I brought that on myself.

    • 

      Jimmy, that WAS my attitude! How on earth could you tell!!?

      I didn’t know there were porn jokes on your blog. Mmm, I might have to go and check that out. You’re a man of mystery…

  24. 

    Whew! This post was the closest I have come to actual sex in a while. I may need a cigarette.

    I think it’s fine if someone wants to call themselves a slut, but I don’t really believe in that as a concept. Also, I have a real issue with the idea of a woman being easy. As opposed to what? Difficult? Is that somehow better? If I want to have sex with someone I am incredibly easy (I want to get what I want) if I don’t want to have sex with someone I am impossible to get (the answer is no, stop wasting my time). Why is this so hard to understand? Oh right, women aren’t supposed to have libidos. I forgot.

    • 

      Hey you-
      I’m always so happy when you comment.

      “Slut” as used by OTHERS to label me, if a woman happens to enjoy sex, is an oppressive misogynistic put-down. I REJECT that.

      If you read my other post, I’ve reclaimed that word- kind of like the way certain races use the “N” word to celebrate themselves. And of course, even in their own culture its use is hotly debated.

      For me, it means I GET to have a libido. I’ll be discriminating, but I celebrate the fact that I’m alive, my lady parts are in working order, I do enjoy sex, and how FUCK that word and its misuse.

      Thank you for taking the time to read this, to comment, and for continuing your own journey. I’m with you.

  25. 

    I read the line “Cirque de Solei on your cock” out loud and the husband perked up like I was making an offering. Love, love, love your blog.

    • 

      Well, “Cirque de Soleil on your cock” IS definitely a male attention grabber!

      So HAPPY you’re here! Yay! Let the mutual blog love begin…

      Wish I didn’t have to go buy my kid new sneakers, or I’d just sit here and read your blog all day. But I AM going to post “21 things I hate irrationally”

      Why do their feet have to GROW all the time??? WHY???

  26. 

    Call me crazy if you want to, Samara. I don’t agree with the use of the word “slut” as powerful. Most people use it as a term to put down a woman who is obviously sexual or who is “enjoying herself” with whatever male comes along. Just by the list of things you put here, I’d say that’s not you. You’re not a slut, not to me, anyway. What word would I use instead? How do you like empowered, strong, capable or knows what she wants? All of those describe you. Beyond that, I thought your list of requirements was well thought out and easy to understand. Well done.

    • 

      I agree with you Cimmy, that many people use that term pejoratively as a way to describe a woman who sleeps around. It goes too far. Anyone who dresses provocatively gets labeled that, and it’s call “slut-shaming” and it’s got to stop.

      And this is why in my other post I reclaim that word and change it to a celebratory affirmation of a woman who enjoys sex.

      I reject the use of that word as a slur. And to take its power away, I’LL use it. If I feel like. About me. That’s my right and no one else’s, you feel me girl??!!

      Love ya!

      • 

        I feel you. I hope you’ll pardon me for not joining you in using the word, as it still makes me feel uncomfortable. However, I’m more than willing to support you in whatever use of the word you choose to make. You go, girl!

      • 

        Cimmy, you have a certain history that might make you feel uncomfortable with the word. Or other reasons why you just don’t like it. I’m cool with that.

        As long as we both agree that it is NOT to be used by people, particularly men, to shame women. I fucking reject that!

  27. 

    That bit about doing you a solid and kicking your legs apart? That should be the status quo – it makes us ALL breathe a little easier. P.S. I like you when you’re fiery and unapologetic.

    • 

      This is me, breaking out of writers block.
      I like me this way too.
      I like me soft and vulnerable as well. Thank goodness we can all Write Free!
      xo,
      S

  28. 

    Holy shit. This. Is. Intense. Duly noted! I read most of the comments, and I have to agree with Ned haha! I’m turned on and laughing at the same time hear. I’m impressed with the no-holds-barred approach here, and thanks for all the plugs and mentions too! I have to admit, I’m a little intimidated *sheepish grin* *twiddles thumbs*

    Rock on! And also, you have quite an army of followers here! Keep that shit up \m/

    • 

      Intimidated? How?
      Because I told so many people you designed the banner?
      Because I give you credit for “Write Free”?
      Wait, you don’t mean…sexually? That would be a total drag. I did NOT mean this to be intimidating. Not at all. Yikes. These are just words.

      Great. Now I’m going to have to become a lesbian…

      • 

        Whoa whoa! Relax! That was a sarcastic comment – I thought this was a great post, and highly entertaining. Also, I really really appreciate the credits and the plugs. Don’t go to the other side of the fence on me either. Write another one first \m/

      • 

        I happen to LIKE the other side of the fence.

        I’ll be posting about that very shortly. Thanks to YOU, and your “write free” stuff.

        Hahahaha. There goes my chance at being a WordPress recommended “family blog”

      • 

        You’re welcome, I’m intrigued, and yes, kiss the fucking badge goodbye! haha

  29. 

    There are so many quotable lines in this that I lost count. Jeebus, you’re funny. And awesome. Your writing reads like a poetry slam. I can feel all the beats ;D

    • 

      Thank you! Wait- you know about me and poetry slamming, right? Or did you just say that off the cuff?

      This is what I meant about mommy blogging.
      Even in THIS, I talk about my son. Crazy.

  30. 

    You promised a bombshell. Yup. You did it, Samara, proud and confident and edgy as all hell. Tell it your way.

    • 

      Thanks, Mark!

      It was an explosion! It was actually what happens after I suffer from writer’s block!

      I have been remiss about visiting blogs. I’m getting a new post up and then will visit you soon.
      xo,
      S

      • 

        I was wondering why I hadn’t seen something from you lately so I went right to your page to see the big momma post from March at the top. Either I missed it on my Reader that day or my Reader choked on its explosiveness and kicked it out! Anyway, you sure know how to exit the state of writer’s block, my friend.

  31. 

    This is great! And women under 30 can have multiple orgasms too. I sometimes joke about making men sign a waiver before we have sex. But what I’d really like to do is have a pre and post coitus survey. I feel like that would be an interesting experiment.

    • 

      Now that WOULD be a great survey.
      Like pre:
      1. What are your expectations going into this? How many orgasms would you like?

      And post:
      1. How bad was that? Did you even HAVE an orgasm?

      hahahahaha. Men. Can’t live with them, can’t ….live with them.

  32. 

    I’m leaving a comment so the orange light will light up for you. 😉
    Otherwise, I’m not sure what else to say.
    But…
    Let me try.
    I adore your honesty and bravery to just write it out exactly how you feel it… you leave nothing to yourself… throw it out there and come what may.
    Plus, as you know, I just love the way you write.
    Big bloggy love, with no accidental slips…

    • 

      It’s hard to comment on this one, right?

      Yikes!

      This is what happens when Chowderhead urges me to “Write Free” – he’s a troublemaker \m/
      To the Alliance!
      And big bloggy love, to you with – wait, WTF! Matticus! You’re bad!

  33. 

    Sluts, moms and blogs all rule, so get over it, ya crazy broad!
    Great post, by the way.

  34. 

    Whoaa wildly lusciously licentious love it.

    “I am more tremulous than shaken reeds” — Sappho 😉

    Big smile on my face sister. Oh boy what strength and what power!

    XoX

    • 

      Yes, this was a bit way out there. I do cut loose on occasion.

      Something about that stupid Google search term gets on my last nerve! Everyone has the most bizarre search terms. I just wish mine varied a little more!

      • 

        Seriously I really enjoyed it. You shoud let rip regularly & rage against the machine.

        Don’t think my search terms are that bizarre. Probably very predictable thinking about it. But who’s worrying about me lol

  35. 

    I’m so happy RedDog turned me on to this blog! We have so much in common! Divorced, single Moms living in upscale neighborhoods trying to get a good lay every once in a while. Loved the post. Laughed my ass off.

    • 

      Oh, I’m so glad you liked it!! I had a blast writing it.
      If you can’t make fun of sex, what’s the point???

      You’re originally from Brooklyn? Still live there?

      • 

        Born, bred and still living in Brooklyn. Park Slope (though I wasn’t raised here.) I got the rent stabilized apartment in the divorce–and I a’int leavin’! Can’t beat the rent for the neighborhood. Where do you live? Are you a NYC girl too?

      • 

        Born in the Bronx, grew up on Staten Island, live most of my life in Manhattan.
        Moved to Jersey to have a family.
        Shoulda stayed in NY. Jersey sucks.
        But who can afford NY now?
        Good for you and your rent stabilized apartment!

      • 

        Raised in Park Slope, I meant. I grew up in Flatbush near brooklyn College.

  36. 

    Educational and funny; I learned and I laughed.

    Very well done.

    • 

      Okay. I only just followed you TWO SECONDS ago.

      How did this happen? I read a comment on my post by No Blog Intended, rushed to her blog, and she said you were her best blog friend, so I followed you.

      And here you ARE. Welcome!

      But this is such a weird way to meet you. Yikes! On one of my most graphic posts ever???? Couldn’t you have read about mental illness in my family, or stuff about my kid???

      It’s all good. I’m headed your way. And I’m going to search out all your craziest posts, and COMMENT BOMB YOU.

      hahahaha. Thank you for being so respectful in your comment. Many newcomers were not. You’re awesome.

      • 

        Ah, God bless NBI.

        Your subscription email came through and on a whim I clicked on it… the ‘Slut Mom’ entry in suggested posts piqued my interest a fair bit and the rest is history!

        You’re awesome and kinky.

      • 

        And who are you?

        I just went to your About page and I still have no clue.

        I stalked you on Facebook, as it suggested, but all there is a “like me” thingey – no friending.

        Harumph. Point me towards a few posts, please. I like links that help me get to know new friends.

        Nothing too kinky. Here in ‘Murica it’s early afternoon.

      • 

        Hmmm, I’m not too good at talking about myself but… I’m 35, currently single, work in IT, go to the gym three times a week, and right now I’m lamenting the inglorious exit of the England football team from the World Cup.

        I actually only started the blog when I realised I had a knack and a passion for writing satire/parody type humour, so I don’t ever post about myself on there. I’m also a self-published indie author so if I’m not working on my next story, then I’m darting around WordPress begging book bloggers to read and review my work!

        I don’t really use my personal Facebook account much and the link on my blog is for my author Facebook page (which I also don’t use all that much…).

        As a self-confessed WWII nut I tend to read a lot of non-fiction, which serves as research for when I write historical fiction. I moved onto books about female spies during WWII, which gave me ideas for a future story. This led me onto social history of life between the wars, which led me onto the Sufragettes, which led me onto reading up on feminism.

        On a website called Goodreads there’s often talk about the perils of authors writing daft female characters that don’t make any sense, so all of the above helps when I finally get round to writing a book with a female lead.

        Oddly enough writing is a very recent passion. For years I held a boyish fascination for technology which was why I got a job in IT. After swapping processors and graphics card for a keyboard and a word processor, I cling to the forlorn hope that one day my hobby will enable me to earn a crust at my leisure.

      • 

        Mikey, love –
        I feel like we just had a speed date.

        Now, there’s nothing wrong with that. It was really entertaining and I loved reading all that info.

        But I wanted some links to some posts that you love!

        It’s too hard for me to figure out which ones to read when I meet a new blogger. Sometimes, just clicking on the most recent ones is not at all representative of their work.

        But all these details are really interesting. You have good grammar, no spelling errors and a very clean cut gravatar. So I will consider us friends. And I’ll poke around on your blog and see what I come up with.

        xo,
        S
        P.S. I called you Mikey, but I can give you a different nickname. “Pancho” doesn’t fit. Do you have any suggestions?

      • 

        Mike or Mikey is fine with me as it’s what some people call me in real life.

        Reet, some blog posts I like:

        This is one of my first ones – http://wp.me/p1RBiE-2X
        Steve Jobs speaks from heaven – http://wp.me/p1RBiE-M7
        Prince William discussing who gets the royal placenta after his son was born – http://wp.me/p1RBiE-ZJ
        Justin Bieber’s diary – http://wp.me/p1RBiE-10I

        Actually, it’s quite weird looking back at older posts as the writing feels very… clunky… but going back and editing is jolly boring.

      • 

        Are you going to say things like “jolly boring” all the time?

        It’s adorable. I love when my English blogging friends do that.

        It’s almost 5 am here in the US and my brutal insomnia is finally waning. I’ll look at these later today. Mikey.

  37. 

    OHMYGOD. I know this is an old post, but I was looking around at older posts and found this one, clicked on it, and IMMEDIATELY upon seeing the photo, my 3-year-old says “THAT’S YOU, MOMMA!!” Well thanks, kid. Ugh.

  38. 

    Can I love every part of this post. Yes I can. I’m not sure which is my favorite part, the Milli Buttfilli, or the VIP, but I’m pretty sure that I want to be a slut dad if (god forbid) I ever lose my wife.

  39. 

    THAT IS AN AWESOME POST!!!!
    My top search item is pretty boring…
    vitaly rules google ☆*:.。.゚゚・*ヽ(^ᴗ^)丿*・゚゚.。.:*☆ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯(•ิ_•ิ)(ಠ益ಠ)(ಥ‿ಥ)(ʘ‿ʘ)ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ヽ(゚д゚)ノʕ•̫͡•ʔᶘ ᵒᴥᵒᶅ(=^. .^=)oo
    Yes, these characters are my top search term. LOL
    —DT | Here I Scribble

  40. 

    I love this so much…. and Very Important Penis list….. ❤ ❤

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