I can’t write anymore.
I have 12 drafts sitting here. Mocking me.
He commented on my first post:
“There’s a huge world between “black” and “white” (avoid the beige, the fucking Gap khaki beige),
so write truthfully what you’re feeling, wherever you are.
Make this blog at your image(S).
Keep this blog about the real you.”
But I’m afraid.
Can I say that?
I’m never good enough.
Is that what you all come here to read?
If I comment, she screams at me.
I haven’t washed my hair in a week.
I came here
After another blogger decimated me.
Destroyed my family.
Destroyed my child.
Out of the blue
reached into my life, took hold, played with me for a few days.
Threw me in the garbage.
Didn’t know I’d had a childhood in which nothing I ever did was good enough.
Didn’t know it was the first time in 20 years I’d written after a horrible fall from grace.
And I was broken.
Don’t go pushing yourself into my life and disappear.
Because I damn near died when it happened before.
“Sweet Samara, I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
So where ARE you?
I love my child so much I sometimes look at him and can’t breathe.
Just looking at his eyelashes against his cheek when he sleeps takes my breath away.
“Mama, you’re wearing the same clothes again today.
It’s like, the third day.”
I want him to be the person in his blog.
I want him to be the way he was when he first emailed me.
So. I go back.
Never finding what was never there in the first place.
“All writing is betrayal.”
Jen once wrote, “the more you want closure with someone, the less likely you are to get it.”
I’m sitting here waiting.
I can’t walk home with all this poster board and the mechanism I constructed to illustrate
Kepler’s Third Law of Planetary Motion.
The square of the orbital period of a body orbiting around a larger body is proportional to the cube of the semi-major axis of the body’s orbit, which is basically the body’s distance from the larger body.
Which made sense to me in the 6th grade, but I can’t even process that sentence.
And I can’t carry it all home
And the first place trophy.
You said you’d pick me up
You forgot the science fair was today.
Really loud, that one was,
cause it’s cold out.
“Here – here’s my world. Please handle with care. ”
He never even looked.
You said, in that considerate and polite way you have,
I’ll read and comment appropriately, if you’ll let me.
That would be good. That would be healing.
It never happened.
Just carefully constructed words
To hide a painful lack of interest.
“Mama, can we have dinner together, please?”
“Baby, I made a great dinner for us.”
“I meant – will you EAT. Not just sit there.
You’re doing that thing where you push the food around your plate.
but i can tell you’re not eating. Give me a break.”
So tired of recycling it.
I want the bliss I was put on earth for. That I’m certain we were put here for.
Not this recycled pain.
From 1974. 1979. 1994. 2013.
We were put here for something different.
I know because I wrote it in my comment section.
Three days of making it through 200 comments.
Yes, I know there are 40 more in my queue.
And when she wrote,
“I can’t take it anymore! Why are my child and I even HERE?”
I responded, “because YOU are worthy of love. You deserve bliss.”
So it must be true, since I wrote it. I must have believed it.
I’m right back where I started last fall.
There will be no one to pick me up this time.
No one to champion me on.
I can’t write.
My blog was on life support.
It’s unplugged now, and dying.
I put my son to sleep a while ago.
We cuddled for sads and glads.
He said, “mama, where ARE you?”
“I’m right here, baby.”
“no you’re not.”
I’m failing him.
Freshly Pressed. 209 new followers.
nothing to say.
I’m failing you.
I have an old grandfather clock in my foyer.
It was my uncle’s.
My cousins gave it to me when he died.
It’s really loud.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.